Skip to comments.Most awful movies (in celebration of Hollywood's fourth declining revenue year in a row)
Posted on 09/28/2005 9:11:34 AM PDT by pabianice
Movie theater revenues are down 10% in the past three years because of home video technology and because movie quality has objectively continued to decline. We Freepers occasionally review a movie here for fun and to warn others not to waste their money.
So, for a change of pace, let's discuss really bad movies we've seen for one reason or another. I propose three classes of bad movie:
Class 1. A bad movie you sit through because of peer pressure
Class 2. A really bad movie you force yourself to watch because, darn it, you paid for it!
Class 3. Horrifyingly bad movies you simply leave, dragging yourself up the aisle with your arms because your legs have gone numb from shock.
Class 1: "The Incredible Lightness of Being" -- stupifyingly bad writing and performances, polished off by a plot involving a serial adulterer physician ruining the lives of all around him for his own sexual gratification won numerous awards in Europe
Class 2: "The Strawberry Statement" -- I still remember the poster: "The Vibes Were Good, but the Times Were Bad" -- horrifyingly bad performances around a story of beautiful, gentle hippies going to college in San Francisco and lovingly protesting the Vietnam War, only to have the experience ruined by Cylon-like police in riot gear gassing and clubbing them to death during a sit-in for peace; also includes some of the worst dehumanization of women ever portrayed on the screen
"Coming Home" -- what can you say about a movie with Jane Fonda that tells the tale of a maimed vet coming home from the Illegal Vietnam War on Terror to win the heart of a military officer's wife who realizes that her Marine husband is actually a monster (who's also lousy in bed, of course) and so leaves him for the maimed (but good in bed despite the loss of most of his appendages) and virtuous war-protesting vet; movie ends with Marine drowning self by walking into the ocean to atone for his evil acts of national defense
War of the Worlds (2005) This is one big mess of a movie; Aliens have already visited Earth in the distant past to leave their Tripods but then wait until we have atomic weapons and armies before they decide to come back and wipe us out; they arrive at nearly the speed of light in capsules that burrow underground and would be instantly vaporized by the impact; they need human blood to fertilize their Martian Kudzu (Soilent Red is People!); it never occurs to the Martians that they need to get flu shots before invading another planet; as the aliens sicken, they conveniently lower their shields so as to be suddenly defenseless against anti-tank rockets; the list is almost endless; the 1954 movie was far superior
"Getting Straight" -- yet another Vietnam vet comes home to attend college and is faced with a school faculty who are all repressed homosexuals and psychotics who determine to drive him out of college; he's saved by heroine who encourages him to Stiock it To the Man!; story ends with the vet kissing his male teacher on the mouth, creating a riot on campus, and then having sex with the heroine on the staircase as the riot and tear gas swill about them in a wonderful collage of color and self-congratulation -- ah!
Class 3: "The Happy Hooker" -- no plot, no production, no acting, but lots of frontal nudity and smashed beds
"Darling" -- critically acclaimed piece of crap about a beautiful, talented, rich woman with the IQ of an end table struggling to make her way in a world of rich men who throw themselves at her feet and take her to fabulous vacation spots
Special Category What Would Have Been Good Movies But Ruined by One Bad Scene: A Few Good Men Very entertaining story about good and evil in uniform ruined in the courtroom climax, when LTJG Caffee says to the colonel: Im a Navy officer, and you are under arrest, you son of a bitch! Those last five gratuitous words by a screenwriter clueless about the military instantly makes Caffee guilty of disrespect towards a superior officer (a court martial offense) and lower him to Jessups level
Wife and I rented this. After half an hour we shut it off. I lost my last shead of interest in Oscars after this B-flick won best picture.
I was just joking with a friend of mine that we must finally have the summer movie season. Usually in summer I'm at the theater every weekend, sometimes twice in one weekend. This year I went to see Fantastic Four (OK, about what I expected never having considered FF one of Marvel's more interesting titles) and then went to nothing until The Man (can't miss Eugene, funniest eyebrows in hollywood), then Corpse Bride (not as good as Nightmare but still impressive), Serenity will be this week and Wallace and Gromit next week. I finally got my July, just had to wait until September and October.
I thought the acting was mediocre (what is Helen Hunt's appeal anyway? Her best acting was when she threw herself out the window in a movie of the week). I also thought that it was merely a special effects sheep show. (Best "Men on Film" voice): HATED IT!
Well, I liked it, I spent lots of time in Prague around the time they filmed it, and it gave a good look at the Prague spring when the Soviets invaded.
Plus, a naked Juliet Binoche makes any movie that much better.
I gave up Hollywood a long time ago. My personal ethics do not allow for any class..particularly this one.
My Mom-in-Law wanted to see Hanoi Jane in (I think it was Monster in Law) I cant remember..she tried to make me feel guilty for not taking her "that was years ago" she said (about Jane) that "I should get over it".
I told her to "get over" thinking I'd cross my own ethical line just to amuse her
My husband took her..he promised to keep his eyes closed..
I thought "Wall Street" was good too. But he went downhill starting with "Talk Radio."
Agreed, Sid & Nancy was an excellent film!
I thought Constantine was the worst movie I've ever seen. I'm not brave, though - I don't even try to see movies where Hollywood tries to preach to me, so I've never seen "American Beauty" or it's ilk.
I like really stupid movies with good special effects. I do have to understand whats going on, though.
The best is when a movie gets really panned and you see it anyway, and find you like it.
And then there is the class of movie where all of the good parts of the film are featured in the trailer. Case in point, Men In Black.
I couldn't agree more! You could be a purple, three headed, lesbian, Marxist and I would still feel a kinship with you because of your reaction to this movie. It was the most gut wrenchingly awful piece of garbage I've ever seen in my life. It literally made me feel physically sick. And sadly, every time I see Haley Joel Osment in anything I can't shake the image of him as that little robot. It's like a virus. It ruins every other movie that he's in for me too!
Nice summation of a horrbile movie.
AI was Leonard-Pinth Garnell bad.
Nicholas Cage wasn't in Broken Arrow, but you have reminded me of a truly horrible film. It had Travolta and Cage (I think?) and was called "Face/Off" (I think?) where they change faces somehow. I've tried to forget it, so the details are very vague.
Aw cmon! Mars Attacks is incredibly funny...I'm series!
You haven't seen a bad movie if you have not experienced this gem!
Leonard, PT. 6: http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hv&id=1800088131&cf=info&intl=us
Class 2: "Planet of the Apes" from 4 years ago. I thought it was just terrible, but I stayed because I was really pregnant and it was the last movie I was going to see for quite sometime. The Matrix sequels were horrible but at least I saw them on cable.
Class 3: "Pet Semetary" not that it was bad but I am not a horror movie type of person and I left after the boy got hit by the truck. I just couldn't take it.
Let me also say that my husband is a very gifted movie goer. He is consistently able to fall asleep during the promos. We do not go to movies anymore. He did take our son to see Shrek 2 and Scooby Doo Doo 2. He will agree to take the kids to see those because they are short and he doesn't sleep through those (that I know of.)
WOTW is easily one of the 5 est films SS has ever made. Background story wasn't the point. Tension was.
Sid and Nancy was great, good acting, good directing by Alex Cox, but not a movie you want to see over and over. (Nancy screaming Siiiiiid! is grating!)
should be 'best'
I apologize. It was "Face/Off" that I was referring too.
Class II: Chariots of Fire and Room with a View. How either of these movies won AA's is a mystery to me. Also, anything by Woody Allen after Annie Hall.
Face Off was a blast! It was a fantasy directed with bravura by the same guy who did Broken Arrow (John Woo)
It was Christian Slater with Travolta, not Cage, who manages to be in cheesey movies a lot too. Howie Long was in it as well. Yes, I do have too much time on my hands.
Class 3: "I Heart Huckabees". Maybe I'm not existential enough, but it seemed to be 2 hours of long-winded, self-indulgent, faux-intellectual tripe.
Not Nick Cage -- Howie Long. And that alone should have warned you to stay away.
Movies misrepresented by their trailers: The village.
I, and several others, didn't go see it because we thought it was a horror flick.
I saw it a few weeks ago on DVD and really enjoyed it. It's much more a psychological suspense film and a beautiful movie, with lovely music and art direction.
Yeah, I had tension all right. Praying to God it would end soon. I mean how much sh*t can happen to one guy in one day.
How bout this category- "The Date Killer". This is a movie that is so bad, you feel guilty that your date paid 8.50 for you to see it, and what makes the situation "killer" is that they recommended something else but deferred to your "good" judgment. Three come to mind:
Eight Crazy Nights
Band of Brothers and Saving Private Ryan seem to indicate otherwise. If it's a good movie they will watch. I sure did.
IMO, WWII was the biggest single event that ever occurred.
Class 3: My Life As A House
Class 2 (almost became Class 3): Batman & Robin
Well it was faithful to the novel in that respect. It had one masterly set piece after another. Cruise sucked though. the opening scene of him operating vertical crane elicited titters from the audience.
Broken Arrow and Face/Off were both awful, IMHO, even though I like much of John Woo's other work. I didn't walk out of Broken Arrow, however, like I did for Face/Off.
Class 1: Igby Goes Down - Rehashed pointless crap about hateful dissafeected rich d-bags.
This Year: Red Hot Ballroom. Documentary about inner city NY kids in a dance competion - SNORE. IMHO, the thing is rigged for the hispanic students.
Class 2: The Village - I used to like Shamalan, now he just comes off as a redundant headcase.
This Year: WOTW, I guess. i was seriously let down by this piece of crap. i was hoping for Minority Report and I got AI.
Class 3: XXX State of the Union - Sequel with Ice Cube, one of the worst most degenerate movies I have ever seen. it was so shamelessly overly targeted to inner city blacks that I almost went on welfare after i saw it on my plane.
Worst movie ever.
Because of all the hype around this movie-Directed by Clint Eastwood and starring Oscar-winning Hillary Swank- I sat through the whole thing. But it didn't take long, in fact the first words spoken by Clint Eastwood, and I knew that he was trying too much. The gym was too run down; Morgan Freeman was too virtuous; Swank was too eager; and the plot was too coincidental. Throw in the unreconciled plot device of Clint's long lost daughter, and it was simply dreadful the longer it went on. However the cinematography was gorgeous. Anyway, the ending didn't really disappoint me that much because the whole set up was so outlandish.
I hated BA but Face off was funny. It was supposed to be funny. Both actors (who I can generally do without) were having a lot of fun.
I just got it on DVD.
"Where'd you get all this beef, Meg?"
"Didja see my cows out front?"
In the past few years, I have not finished watching only a couple of movies due to their stupefying awfulness (both on tape): Ian McKellan's "Richard III," and "Reds," with Warren Beatty. I love Ian most of the time, but he was actually boring as mean ol' Richard, and the director seemed to have confused Shakespeare with some slasher flick. Finally left my husband to finish it. "Reds" came in a set of two tapes and it was so boring that tape two never came out of the box.
Re WOTW, both it and "Alexander" have a special category for me: awful movies that have one good scene in them that make you wish the director had gone that way instead. WOTW scene: at the beginning of the movie when pavement is spontaneously ripping up and buildings are starting to fall -- good exciting scene that made me hope for more from the rest of the movie. (Add to that movie's list of stupid impossibilities: when the teenage boy manages to find his way back to grandma's house, after delibertately breaking away from dad and heading straight into the carnage. WTF? Does anyone believe he could not only have survived but got to grandma's BEFORE dad?) Good scene in "Alexander": When Philip takes the teenage Alexander down into the caves to show him the ancient, sacred cave paintings. Something very true and mysterious and just plain cool in that scene. But the rest of the movie just could not lumber past the awful spectacle of Alex's exploded-haystack hair.
Was the Village the one where a blind girl was sent out into the woods to get help from a monster that was created to keep the people in line?
Class 1. Spiderman
Class 2. What Dreams May Come (Stupid treacle starring Robin Williams. If I think about it, I'll vomit from the sappiness. Also the last Robin Williams movie I'll ever watch.)
Class 3. Tomb Raider 2. I'm sorry, I still ache for Angelina, but there's only so much predictable crap one man can stand.
Why pay to see a WWII movie when the History Channel has shows about it all the time?
The Blair Witch Project - a thoroughly uninteresting home movie from an unfunded epileptic film school drop-out.
LOL! None of the above...but I'm with you completely! He was pretty good in Second Hand Lions, but just couldn't shake the image of him as the robot!
And I never liked Jude Law before...and after this movie, I get nauseated just looking at him!
I liked Salvador as well. Even Jim Belushi put in a decent supporting performance. Woods plays a typically arrogant liberal journalist who treats every woman he encounters like sh-t.
my fav vietnam vet comes home movie: Deathdream, aka "Dead of Night" I'll give ya a hint: the special effects were done by Tom Savini.
I agree but I found it somewhat amusing though. The director, David O Russel (three kings) is a pseudo-intellectual boob, from what I know about him, though it seemed Wahlberg's character's neurosis was O Russel fun of himself.