Posted on 10/02/2005 7:48:26 AM PDT by nuconvert
Babies and restaurants are the Chernobyl of parenting
BY DAVE BARRY
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on July 30, 2000.)
If you're a new parent, there will come a time when either you or your spouse will say these words:
``Let's take the baby to a restaurant!''
Now, to a normal, sane person, this statement is absurd. It's like saying: ``Let's take a moose to the opera!''
But neither you nor your spouse will see anything inappropriate about the idea of taking your baby to a restaurant. This is because, as new parents, you are experiencing a magical period of wonder, joy and possibility that has made you really stupid. You are not alone: All new parents undergo a sharp drop in intelligence. It's nature's way of enabling them to form an emotional bond with a tiny human who relates with other humans exclusively by spitting up on them. Even very smart parents are affected, as we see from these two quotations:
Albert Einstein Shortly Before The Birth Of His Son: ``To know that what is impenetrable to us really exists, manifesting itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty, which our dull faculties can comprehend only in their most primitive forms -- this knowledge, this feeling, is at the center of true religiousness.''
Albert Einstein Shortly After The Birth Of His Son: ``Daddy's gonna EAT THESE WIDDLE TOES!''
After a month or so of bonding with their baby, the typical parents have the combined IQ of a charcoal briquette. This is when they decide it's OK to take the baby to a restaurant. I know what I'm talking about: My wife and I have a baby daughter, and we have repeatedly taken her to restaurants, even though by now experience should have taught us that it would be far more pleasant and relaxing for us to stay home and play tic-tac-toe on our foreheads with a soldering iron.
But we cannot help ourselves, and neither can you, if you're a new parent. That's why today I'm presenting these Helpful Tips For Dining Out With A Baby:
1. THE INSTANT YOU GET TO THE RESTAURANT, ASK FOR THE CHECK. You want to be able to pay and get out of there as quickly as possible when your baby screams, or decides -- as babies instinctively do, in restaurants -- to grunt out an impossibly large output, such that you experience a dreaded condition known to diaper scientists as Projectile Huggies Leakage (PHL). So it's best to pay your bill as you enter the restaurant, adding a little extra (say, $800) to compensate for the fact that after you're finished, your table may have to be burned. Some parents never actually enter the restaurant: They simply drive up to the front door, hurl money out the car window, then speed off, their baby wailing like an ambulance siren in the night.
2. REQUEST A TABLE IN A LOCATION THAT WILL NOT DISTURB OTHER DINERS. For example, if you want to eat at an elegant restaurant in New York City, you should try to get a table on the roof. Or, better still, at a Bob's Big Boy in Cleveland.
3. SELECT AN APPROPRIATE CUISINE. Of the wide variety of cuisines available today -- Italian, French, Chinese, Tiny Portions Of Meat With Some Kind Of Inedible Decorative Stuff Dribbled On The Plate In A Pattern As If It Were An Art Project Instead Of A Meal -- I would say that the best kind of cuisine, for the parent of a small baby, is a cuisine that you can eat with one hand. You, of course, need the other hand to keep putting things into your baby's mouth, so your baby can spit them out (a baby is not happy unless it is emitting something from somewhere). In fact, you may need both hands for this activity, so you might want to order an entree that you can eat with no hands, sporadically lunging your face down to your plate and snorking up food Labrador-retriever style. You will not have time to taste anything. Restaurant employees know this, and sometimes, for fun, they serve prank entrees to new parents, to see if they'll notice. A Boston restaurant recently got a new father, distracted by a small baby, to eat a whisk broom covered with melted cheese.
At least he ate something. Sometimes I spend the entire meal carrying my daughter around the restaurant, crossing paths with other nomadic parents carrying THEIR children around, each of us leaving a trail of drool. Our big night out! It may not sound like fun to you, but we parents of newborns are able to enjoy it because of our philosophy of life, which can be summed up by the immortal words penned by William Shakespeare shortly after the birth of his first child: ``Woogum woogum WOOGUM WOOGUM WOOGUM!''
Ping for wife
I remember reading somewhere that he retired. I have considered taking his place. In one way, I would be starting at a disadvantage since I too am from Miami - and he has already written about the only 2 or 3 funny things you could say about the city.
*chuckle* To each their own!
I am proud to say that my three kids, ages 4, 2 and 11 months, are very well behaved. Diners have stopped and complimented us on many occassions. Shameless bragging, :)
:~ )
Never experienced this kind of problem myself. We used to call our girl "Porta-Baby"- we could take her anywhere.
In a two parent family, if the kid causes a fuss, one parent takes the kid outside until they calm down. End of problem.
I have also seen children literally running amok in a resturant, causing havoc and destruction, while their parents pretended never to have seen these children before.
One couple actually had to be told that if they couldn't control their children they would be 'asked to leave.'
And this was at a family resturant, not "Chez Snooty" !
>>Well the certainly have lost the art of raising respectful kids. We never had a problem with our kids.
Sometimes it's the luck of the draw. When my youngest was around 4 years old, an in-law said to me, "She's so good, it's almost creepy." I still don't know what I did to make her so good, but she has the manners of a duchess. Maybe because I'm old, and learned how to behave in the hat-and-glove era, I unconsciously imparted the culture that was standard before my generation went berserk and coarsened everything we touched. Or maybe it's because she's homeschooled and never spent much time with other primates. Or, if it's genetic...it's not genetic enough! :0)
"Are you familiar at all with Dave Barry?"
No -so I took the time to peruse some of his stuff -lots of titters ala Mad magazine -surprised he won a pulitzer but so did duranty.
But the following quote of his supports my contention above. This is not right wing satire ala PJ O'Rourke.
"On the cultural front, the mayor of San Francisco attempts to legalize same-sex marriage, which outrages those who believe that marriage is a sacred institution that should be entered into only by heterosexual people, such as Britney Spears and Mike Tyson."
Baby sitters are for wimps.
And when in public... Don't force the kid to eat his beans, unless you want to act as birth control for the rest of the room. ;~D
"Sometimes it's the luck of the draw."
Youre too modest - it was the manner in which your family has raised children.
And this was not an anomoly 30 or 40 years ago - it was the norm prior to the rise of relativist mass culture.
When I was young my family went to nice restaurants frequently. We sat quietly at the table. Today it is assumed that children can't sit quietly and behave.
Thanks for posting. Just last night, hubby was saying how he will never, ever, ever take our one-year-old out to eat again. She is unlike the rest of our children. She eats and eats and eats. There's no time for feeding ourselves. It's all about feeding IT. (IT being her stomach and separate from HER.) Baby squeals an awful, loud, shrill sound that turns heads. Then people see her, and they smile and snicker. She's pretty. She's shy. But she is so LOUD. And she smiles at just the right moments. Hubby can't stand to disturb other diners. He has trained all of our children very well to respect other diners. But #8 is not interested in her daddy's lessons on how to eat in public. So, I expect we'll stay home for meals for a while. Until #8 no longer throws her food when she's had enough. Or squeals when she sees something on Daddy's plate that she wants.
As a proud first time parent of a now 4 month old boy I found a lot of truth in that article. Espeically the "babies are not happy unless something is emitting from somewhere" line. Never has a truer line been written.
He has a baby now. Duh!
No...actually they're for parents who understand junior's antics aren't as cute to everyone else in the world. *chuckle*
LoL
Sounds like you have your hands full! Sounds like she does too!
He's on hiatus.
http://msnbc.msn.com/id/6890983/
I was wondering if I could get some FR opinion on something related to this article.... it's small children in church. I go to a rather small church with several families with children under 5. Some of the kids are well-behaved and sweet. Others, however, walk around the church during the sermon. Talk loudly to their parents. Bang toys on the pews. Stamp their feet.... I don't mind babies making cooing and baby sounds. I don't mind when kids act out as long as the parents step in immediately and take them out or shush them. The ones that drive me nuts have parents who let them "do their thing" just as if they were in their playroom or backyard. I end up leaving church feeling angry and annoyed and I get nearly nothing out of the worship. I feel so guilty about my anger.... any advice? Just so you know, we do provide a nursery and our minister has asked parents to use it. There's also a notation on the front of the bulletin to please respect those who come for quiet reflection and prayer... nothing seems to get through to these parents. The minister is reluctant to do anything further since our congregation is small and we need all the members we can get. My question is, am I being too selfish in thinking I should find another church?
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