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Scientology’s top ten tips for having kids?
Cult News ^ | 03-31-06 | Rick Ross

Posted on 04/01/2006 8:55:07 AM PST by Central Scrutiniser

03.31.06 Scientology’s top ten tips for having kids?

Posted in Scientology at 8:12 pm by Rick Ross | Link

Maybe in Los Angeles and perhaps this week, the blessed event will occur.


TomKat 'silent birth' coming

TomKat 'silent birth' coming Katie Holmes, the apparent Scientology version of the “Virgin Mary,” will give birth.

“Silent birth” that is.

This Scientology practice requires Ms. Holmes to shut up and squeeze without any painkillers.

She may listen to some “mellow music” coming from an MP3 player given to her as a gift from her sweetie Tom Cruise reports China Daily.

The following could be considered Scientology’s founder L. Ron Hubbard’s top ten tips on “silent birth” and having kids, or for Scientologists probably more like Hubbard’s “Ten Commandments,” based upon a report filed by The Guardian.

1. You must stay silent because this avoids those pesky “engrams,’ impressions formed in the brain because of “physical pain or painful” experiences.

Katie might wonder, “Doesn’t my pain matter, won’t that make some “engrams”?

Answer: “Shut up and push, hubby will likely get you a discount to clear them, but make sure that’s in the prenup.”

2. “A woman who is pregnant should be given every consideration by a society which has any feeling for its future generations.”

Except for an epidural.

3. “Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and the child. And the maintaining of silence does not mean a volley of sh’s.”

How about little cussing?

Can Katie curse and offer “a volley” of “sh-t that hurts”?

4. “Women, you have a right and a reason to demand good treatment.”

Except for an epidural.

5. “The womb is wet, uncomfortable and unprotected.”

Who gave Hubbard that inside information?

7. ”Calm and harmonious atmosphere” for the child.

Ok that means Scientology’s “Top Gun” should try to make his third marriage last, without another divorce.

8. “Say nothing around a sick child or an injured child. Smile, appear calm, but say nothing.”

No problem for a long time professional actor, though for first time mom Katie Holmes it could be difficult.

However, with all that Scientology training she has seemingly perfected some kind of Hubbard smile.

9. “If she [the child] falls, she should be helped - but silently.”

Does that mean Katie, which child, this could get confusing for Mr. Cruise?

10. “No drooling sympathy.”

No problem for a middle-aged actor, the drooling will start later, and a young wife can help clean it up.

By the way Hubbard offered a few prophetic tips on prenatal care too. And here are a few gems of his wisdom.

Did you know that when a child bounces on a pregnant woman’s lap, her unborn child gets an engram?

Watch out Tom that may include childish couch jumping.

South Park creators could indirectly cause 'engrams'

South Park creators could indirectly cause 'engrams' And “anyone who is emotional around a pregnant woman is communicating that emotion straight to the child.”

Perhaps Scientology’s “Top Gun” should have eased up on Today Show host Matt Lauer, stopped threatening nasty lawsuits and avoided any conflict with South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

If the husband uses language during sex, “every word is going to be engramic.”

Maybe that’s no problem for someone supposedly “trapped in the closet“?

TOPICS: Philosophy
KEYWORDS: cientology; cult; sillytology
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To: Doc Savage

Never noticed. But I'm sure it comes from lying for 9 months about her "love" for Tom Cruise. No, this girl wants to be the next Nicole Kidman. Sold her soul. If the side of her face is frozen, it's because of those prolonged fake smiles.

21 posted on 04/01/2006 10:48:01 AM PST by The Westerner
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To: Mears
From here.

APPARENTLY Tom Cruise is insisting on absolute silence when partner Katie Holmes gives birth to their child any day soon.

According to his beliefs as a Scientologist, it is distressing and traumatic for a baby to hear the screams of its mother during childbirth. Right-oh, Tom, of course it is.

He has even had posters put up around their home with messages like: "Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable."

It must be catching, because when I told my wife about his theory she made some slow and easily understandable hand gestures.



22 posted on 04/01/2006 11:01:48 AM PST by Ladysmith ((NRA, SAS) I say let the prisoners pick the fruits: Rep. Dana Rohrabacher, CA, on illegal immig.)
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To: Rabid Dog
Ron H. had some sperm saved and Katie Holmes was implanted with it. That's why Tom is so happy. You heard it here first! If that baby has red hair you know I"m right.

And the $cientlogists missed the oppurtinuty to slip Baby Elron out unnoticed in the 10 years Tom was married to Nicole Kidman?

23 posted on 04/01/2006 4:15:14 PM PST by Oztrich Boy (Conscience: the inner voice which warns us that someone may be watching. - H L Mencken)
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To: Oztrich Boy

She wouldn't consent to being artificially inseminated.

(I shared my theory with my son. He asked me what kind of tin foil I thought was the best. I told him the heavy duty stuff from Costco.)

24 posted on 04/01/2006 11:17:13 PM PST by Rabid Dog
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