Old Jews Telling Jokes

Jewish World Review ^ | May 27 2009 | Richard Z Chesnoff

[devolve]

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Tell you what I’m gonna do

You wanna blue suit?

Irving — Turn on the blue light

[potlatch]

[devolve]

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Sorry Captain Shapiro.....

[potlatch]

I have no idea what you are talking about, lol. I’m lost.

[devolve]

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I’m not paranoid if a car is really following me!

[rmlew]

It’s not passive aggressive, except in imagined tone. Rather this is a Yiddishism.

[gonzo]

Now I gotta find that old album: "It doesn't hurt to be Jewish", and put it up on the ethernet.

It's on a 7" reel-to-reel someplace in this mess ............ FRegards

[devolve]

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Hey potlatch!

Gonzo is here

And allegedly working on Gonzomobile-789

!!!

[Polarik]

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, “There is no self.” So, maybe we’re off the hook.

Rodney Dangerfield had the best "Love thy neighbor" joke ever:

"The Bible says that I should Love thy neighbor as thyself. So, what am I supposed to do now? Spank their monkey, too?

[Titan Magroyne]

Dang, that’s funny typed out right there! Which just means that what turned me off of the show was the whiny delivery of most of the main characters. The only one I liked was Kramer.

And hey - we know what happened to HIS standup career, LOL!

[Judith Anne]

Wonderful! Thank you!

[Lady Jag]

Seriously? A jewish aunt and Buddhist uncle? Wow, did you write that joke, then?

How would your uncle have responded if your aunt told him this story? --

Who/What is That?

A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He was told that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase.  At Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous Customs officer who glared at him and snarled "Open the case!"

Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meagre belongings and pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin. "What is that"
snarled the customs officer.

"What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?', You should ask 'Who is that?'. That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm  taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind."

"I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"

A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was confronted by an Israeli customs officer. "Shalom, Welcome to Israel. Open the case!"

Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer came upon the bust. "What is that" said the customs officer.

"What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?', You should ask 'Who is that?'. That is that bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me for most of my life. I want to spit on it every day for the rest of my life."

"I always knew that you Russian Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"

At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got round to unpacking watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes and
then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table. "Who is that?" asked his nephew.

"Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. "You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?', You should ask 'What is that?'. That is five kilos of gold"

[potlatch]

Lol, the 789 is a car I’d love to have!

[devolve]

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I’ll bet you would!

[potlatch]

Yes. I looked at the picture of it again.
Can’t find any threads I’m interested in.

[devolve]

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Lemme find a thread

[potlatch]

Please do!!

[devolve]

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I can’t even find a needle tonight!

[potlatch]

You got lost in the haystack!!

[The Spirit Of Allegiance]

From my completely non-observant Jewish brother-in-law:

A waitress walks up to two elderly Jewish ladies and asks:

“Was anything OK?”

---

And now in an effort to do something--anything--to salvage vital US/Israeli relations, here is a Music Appreciation Moment.

Oy, It's So Humid (YouTube video)
(From 2 Live Jews album, As Kosher as They Wanna Be. The name of the group and the album were spoofs of 2 Live Crew's 1989 hit As Nasty as They Wanna Be. This parody video is family-safe.)




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