Posted on 09/03/2009 7:18:53 AM PDT by big black dog
If there is one thing a person could say about me with conviction and absolute certainty, it is that I am a firm believer in the idea of Kentucky Fried Chicken. I have supported the poultry peddler through a number of harrowing assaults on its integrity and claims that belie the tastiness of its products. When the so-called “blog-o-sphere” was buzzing with rumors of KFC labs overflowing with genetically modified, beakless chickens, I was the lone island of rational thought in a raging sea of insanity.
I have faced the scorn of friends and the disappointment of loved ones for my insistence that KFC’s infamous Famous Bowl – an oily orgy of mashed potatoes, gravy, cheese and fried chicken – is a step forward in the culinary world. More than once, I have had to leave a conversation when the topic turned to the Colonel’s creations, biting my tongue to keep from lambasting strangers for their dismissal of the Variety Big Box Meal as “more food than any human should consume in one sitting.” As inexpensive as a bucket of Original Recipe may be, I have had to pay dearly for my allegiance.
It is true that I have never actually eaten Kentucky Fried Chicken – I prefer Bojangles – but I endorse its spirit wholeheartedly. It makes perfect sense that an amalgam of seven herbs and spices would turn ordinary, bland chicken into something deliciously Kentucky-fried. Indeed, it is the combination of seven different influences and cultures that makes the United States the savory melting pot of the world instead of a tasteless crock of gruel like England. Colonel Sanders was the bearded embodiment of hope, change, unity and flaky biscuits. Were he an actual colonel and not just an honorary one – he technically only reached the rank of private while in the United States Army – I would follow him blindfolded into the greasy trenches of war.
As much as I have invested in the fowl eatery, however, I fear our relationship may be at an end. I have recently learned that in select markets, KFC is offering something called the Double Down Sandwich, a bacon and cheese sandwich that uses two pieces of fried chicken instead of bread. Yes, you read correctly: A bacon and cheese sandwich that uses fried chicken instead of bread.
My anger and disappointment does not stem from the fact that this new offering flaunts all contemporary sandwich conventions or because it is another nail in the coffin of the Healthy American Lifestyle. (That coffin was buried long ago under an avalanche of Double Stuf Oreos and Baconnaise). No, the real source of my furious consternation is the fact that I came up with the idea first.
I was at home enjoying an otherwise delicious bacon and cheese sandwich while watching Man v. Food when a peculiar feeling washed over me. After the throbbing in my left arm subsided and my vision returned, I looked down at the half-eaten sandwich floating in my carafe of Mountain Dew and wondered if perhaps there wasn’t a way to take my creation to a higher, even tastier plateau. I immediately began experimenting with every ingredient I had in the kitchen. First, I wrapped the cheese and bacon up in more bacon, but the mess created by its consumption was cause for alarm. Trials with ice cream and peanut butter ended similarly. Undaunted, I pressed on with taco shells, Belgian waffles and a variety of obscure deli meats, but something was still missing. Four hours and a dozen grease-fires later, I had my answer.
Fried chicken offered enough tensile strength to support even the heaviest of cheeses while still remaining juicy and tender. The fried breading offered enough friction to offset the incredible slickness caused by combining fried chicken, bacon and melted cheese into one handheld snack. The first bite was like tasting a unicorn boiled in sunshine.
The odds of two people conceiving of such a thing independently must be astronomical, so I can only assume that the scientists working in the Kentucky Fried Labs stole my idea. The only real difference between the two is that KFC’s version is slathered in “Colonel’s Sauce,” but I have a feeling that it is just a mixture of mayonnaise and mustard. Unfortunately, after finishing what I was calling the Heart Breaker Sandwich, I blacked out. When I awoke days later, news of KFC’s Double Down Sandwich was already splashed across the Internet, so I have no tangible evidence to prove my theory.
In order to keep my culinary inventions from being pinched in the future, I would like to share some of my ideas so I have documentation that I did indeed think of them first. For example, I have combined eggs, sausage and two tiny pancakes interspersed with little syrup pockets into one breakfast sandwich called a Von Skillet. Next, I have taken a hot dog, inserted a wooden skewer into it long-ways, covered it in a light corn batter and fried it to perfection. I call it a Maize Hound. Finally, I have combined shredded cabbage, carrots, vinegar, vegetable oil and mayonnaise – or Baconnaise – in a bowl for a refreshing summer salad. I’m not positive about the name yet, but I think Cole Slaw has a certain ring to it.
I am unsure whether or not I am able to forgive Colonel Sanders for taking what is most likely the only constructive thing I will ever contribute to society. He has Kentucky fried my dreams and is selling them for a limited time in Rhode Island and parts of Nebraska. My only hope is that the Double Down Sandwich ends up killing someone through asphyxiation or pure caloric force. Only then, when there is blood on the Colonel’s greasy hands, will he know the pain I now feel.
‘The first bite was like tasting a unicorn boiled in sunshine’
Oh, that’s a good one - I’m stealin it!!!!
(and yeah - GRILLED chicken at KFC??? um...no.......)
It's essentially a poor man's "Chicken Cordon Bleu."
I love me some KFC.
The chicken’s pretty good, but I’m happy just eating biscuits and slaw...
A good value is the evil Wal-Mart SuperCenter deli that sells a decent 8 piece fried chicken for $5.99....by evil I mean cheap and delicious...
I think the cole slaw is the same at Long John Silver’s, maybe one other franchise place. I also love their cole slaw and original recipe chicken.
Culver's fried chicken blows the doors off of KFC.
I guess ya'll have never had Popeye's Fried Chicken. Try the original and work your way up to the spicy.
You can’t boil without liquid.
FAIL.
Yes, their cole slaw is great!
“No, the real source of my furious consternation is the fact that I came up with the idea first.”
Happens to me all of the time. Remember “Suds and Duds?” Laundromat and beer in one place. I came up with that while deployed to many far reaches of the earth.
That is just one example, I could go on for a while, but I am getting paid right now to do other things.
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