Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

Dinner with an Anti-Hunter
Townhall.com ^ | December 5, 2011 | Humberto Fontova

Posted on 12/05/2011 2:06:53 PM PST by Kaslin

I’d just hung the deer by its neck on the swingset for skinning and butchering when..... "Oh Hum-BERTO! Puh-LEAZE!”

I looked over and it was our new neighbor Freddie, wailing from his patio door, his face a mask of horror and disgust. "Humberto! How COULD YOU? Why that’s AWFUL!”

Freddie moved here recently from San Francisco. People didn’t skin deer in their backyards there. Freddie used to open his back door, prance to the fence, and discuss the screen and stage with fellow wine sniffers. Now he opens his back door and finds an assassinated deer dangling with its tongue hanging out, and some guy in blood-spattered camo slashing at it with a skinning knife, between swigs from a sixteen-ounce Brewskie encased in crumpled bag.

I looked over after a hearty swig. "How could?” I belched. "How could I? It’s easy, Fred.” I wiped my bloody finger on my pants, held it aloft and curled it. "You do this,” then made trigger-pulling motions. "See Fred? See you easy? Bet even you could do it Freddie my boy. You’re good with your fingers aren’t ya? Aren’t...?”

"Oh! You... you...YOU!” —SLAM!

Good riddance. Then the door opens again and my wife, Shirley, storms out. "Haven’t I told you to do that SOMEPLACE ELSE? My GOODNESS! Can’t you... OH WHY BOTHER!” —SLAM!

Shirley’s always having coffee with Freddie. They get along famously. He’s a designer of some kind, designs Mardi Gras floats in fact. Always happens that way: straight women and gay men get along. Straight men and gay women.... well--I've never seen much of it.

But I was in no mood for sociological reflection. I was still giddy from the ego-buzz of a successful hunt.

Five hours later--sure enough-- there's Freddie's distinctive knock. I opened and he dangled a bottle of wine from hand. Freddie looked primed to rip into the braised backstrap of the deer he denounced me for assassinating. Shirley had--naturally--invited him over for dinner.

"Monica!” Freddie called to my daughter upstairs. "Dinner’s served. Hurry before it gets cold.” Monica was home from LSU for the holidays. They get along well. Freddie helped pick her prom dress, did her hair, suggested a restaurant—the whole bit.

"Like your meat warm, do ya Freddie?” I said while pouring a hefty glass from his Chateau- something- or-other.

"Sure,” he twinkled. "Doesn’t everyone?”

"Of course we do!” I said while raising the wineglass.

"Oh brother,” Shirley sighed. "He’s starting already... Monica! Hurry down honey. Show’s about to start.”

"We all like it warm, Freddie, because that’s what fresh meat tasted like before the discovery of fire. Warm, the temperature of the blood of a living mammal. That’s how our primeval ancestors ate it, Freddie, like all predators.”

"Oh Humberto PLEASE!” Shirley huffed. “Not now. Can’t you....!

"Carnivores, especially those lovable cuddly wolves your California buddies get so giddy over, start ingesting prey while it’s still alive, Fred!” I gulped again, emptying the glass. “They hamstring or disembowel the elk to bring it down. Then dig in while it’s still moaning and writhing in agony. Those big furry puppies daydream about that when Cindy Crawford, Darryl Hannah, and Kim Bassinger nuzzle with them for the cameras.”

"That’s awful.” Freddie sighed. "And must we really hear all this while...”

I emptied my second helping of wine then leaped from my chair towards the bookcase, just as Monica entered.

"OH NO!” She wailed while rolling her eyes ceiling-ward. “Not again, mom! He’s grabbing that STUPID book of his again!”

"Stupid book?” I wheeled around and shook the dog-eared copy of Jose Ortega y Gasset’s Meditations on Hunting. "A work of genius!” I yelled. "Ortega was the century’s most acute philosopher!”

"Yeah, right,” Monica huffed. "My philosophy professor says he was a reactionary.”

"Figures!" I howled while turning to Shirley. "See? See what we’re paying for?”

"She won a scholarship.” Shirley said in her best Alice Kramden. "Remember?”

"That’s not the point.” Then I turned to my multi-earinged (but mercifully, still untattooed) daughter..."Tell me Monica. What philosophers are they teaching you about up there? Joy Behar or Nancy Pelosi?”

"Lady Gaga, actually” she said smugly. ‘We’re discussing her lyrics.”

"Heaven help us!” I shrieked, then opened the book and read: "Man’s being consisted first of being a hunter.” I looked up with a Jack Nicholson-type leer. "Hear that folks. That’s not some editorialist at the NRA or Ducks Unlimited. That’s the man who wrote Revolt of the Masses—I don’t suppose they’ve assigned that for Philosophy class, huh, Monica?”

"No, Da-ad” she said with another eye-roll. "But in English they assigned Maya Angelou’s....”

"Silence! Before I puke! Now back to Ortega: If we imagine our species to have disappeared in the Paleolithic era the word man” would lack meaning. We would have to call him hunter.”

Then I pointed a white-knuckle fist inches from Freddie’s face. "And you.” Then I looked around the room with a lunatic leer, pointing. "And you... and you. You’re all killers! Every time you buy a hamburger you’re paying for the death of an animal, you’re putting a contract, a hit if you will, on a poor stupid cow. YES! It’s called the law of supply and demand—don’t suppose they’re teaching you anything about THAT up in college, huh, Monica?

"No, Da-ad, but we learned about Che Guevara and —”

"Figures!” I snarled. "Anyway folks, I make my own hits, like Mikey Corleone. Remember Michael Corleone, Freddie? Remember when he whacked Sollazo and Police Chief McCluskey in that restaurant, huh? BLAM! I slammed the table with my fist. Right through the neck! "

"WHATCHIT, you CLOD!” Shirley screeched. "You’re spilling the—!”

"Ooops!”

"And watch the lamp behind you! And the coffee table! And there goes the red wine all over the Damn RUG!”

"Ooops! Here, I’ll get the towel, nothing to it. Well, same with this deer we’re eating, folks. Poor sucker was enjoying his meal just like McCluskey, contentedly munching away on acorns. He hears my whistle...looks up – BLAM!” I slammed my fist into my palm inches from Freddie’s nose. Right through his white throat patch. Never knew what hit him.”

"Mom, tell Dad to shut up! Please!”

"We’re ALL killers!” I turned back to Freddie. "It’s encoded into your genes Freddie! Be true to your human heritage. Stalk the fields and forests, not public toilets!”

"HUMBERTO!” Shirley yelled as Freddie tried to leap to his feet. STOP IT! You’re...!”

"Yes! Freddie!” I seized him roughly by the shoulders. "I’m going tomorrow. Come with me and prey on deer and ducks, not boy scouts and altar boys!”

"Oh! OH! Shirley!" Freddie shook free and looked towards her for succor, nearing tears. "He’s IMPOSSIBLE!! This man is so MEAN! He’s simply IMPOSSIBLE!”

"More wine!” I snarled while holding out my glass.

"Get it yourself!” Monica glowered. "Mom? Don’t! You’re not his slave!”

"You!” I pointed at Monica. "You stay outta this, before I backhand ya!”

"Aahh-Ahhh!” Monica went apes**t. "Mom, did you hear that? Heard Dad? Ms. Rabinowitz, my Sociology professor says I can sue you for abuse! Dad, you’re such a… a… a… fascist!”

"Oh Monica, hush-up.” Shirley said. "You know he’s never laid a hand on you. He’s just showing off in front of Freddie.” Then she turned to me and yelled: "Humberto! You know Freddie doesn’t do those type of things! You apologize this minute! And after drinking all his wine. Now you apologize! I MEAN it!”

But Freddie had already run home in a teary huff.


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Editorial
KEYWORDS:

1 posted on 12/05/2011 2:06:55 PM PST by Kaslin
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | View Replies]

To: Kaslin

Is that real?


2 posted on 12/05/2011 2:11:25 PM PST by Politics4US
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin

Humberto can come over for dinner to my house any time.


3 posted on 12/05/2011 2:13:56 PM PST by tet68 ( " We would not die in that man's company, that fears his fellowship to die with us...." Henry V.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin

When I have dinner with anti’s they tell me how good the food is.

Then stop eating when I tell them what furry forest critter it was before it became meat.

I don’t worrry not many anti’s come to dinner.


4 posted on 12/05/2011 2:14:35 PM PST by riverrunner
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin
At least I have the decency to kill my food before I eat it.

The lettuce in that salad is writhing in pain.

5 posted on 12/05/2011 2:15:30 PM PST by Carry_Okie (There are people in power who belong in jail.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin
Ms. Rabinowitz, my Sociology professor says I can sue you for abuse!

enjoy paying for college yourself after a comment like that, kid.
6 posted on 12/05/2011 2:17:57 PM PST by absolootezer0 (2x divorced tattooed pierced harley hatin meghan mccain luvin' REAL beer drinkin' smoker ..what?)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin

Like Ted Nugent says, “Kill it and grill it.”


7 posted on 12/05/2011 2:18:10 PM PST by From The Deer Stand
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin

Kick ass!


8 posted on 12/05/2011 2:21:04 PM PST by X-spurt
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin

If I’m not mistaken, I’ve had three kids with Humberto.


9 posted on 12/05/2011 2:21:21 PM PST by MeganC (No way in Hell am I voting for Mitt Romney. Not now, not ever. Deal with it.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin

Such crap. We know all that beef in the market is manufactured, not butchered./s/
It hurts me to have to mark this wit a /sarc/ tag, but judging from our public education system, it is highly unlikely that most of them would know where their food comes from.


10 posted on 12/05/2011 2:21:29 PM PST by Steamburg (The contents of your wallet is the only language Politicians understand.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: humblegunner; Eaker

“People didn’t skin deer in their backyards there.”

Yeah, really.

If ya got a vinyl floor, the kitchen makes more a lot more sense ‘cuz ya ain’t gotta walk so far to the freezer.


11 posted on 12/05/2011 2:21:46 PM PST by Salamander (I'm Wounded, Old And Treacherous.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin

Whe a classmate asked my Daughter why she hunted and ate deer meat, she answered “Because it tastes good”.

She said that if God didn’t want us eating deer, He wouldn’t have made them out of meat.


12 posted on 12/05/2011 2:22:31 PM PST by Dan(9698)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin

I am anti-hunting.

There is no way in heck i am going to go out in the cold and track down a deer in the middle of freezing cold and bad weather.

I am anti-hunting on a personal level.

I love to eat deer hunted by other people! :)

I love people hunting critters.

I am just not going to do it myself.


13 posted on 12/05/2011 2:24:53 PM PST by GraceG
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Steamburg

My dad was a prison guard for over 30 years.

One day one of the inmates made some stupid remark and my dad asked him where he thought meat “came from”.

Guy says “the supermarket”.

Dad asked him where the meat came from before it got to the supermarket.

Guys says “A warehouse.”

Dad gave up in disgust and walked away.

So, there you have it.

All food comes from The Miraculous Warehouse.


14 posted on 12/05/2011 2:26:28 PM PST by Salamander (I'm Wounded, Old And Treacherous.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 10 | View Replies]

To: GraceG

My wife taught our daughter how to hunt.


15 posted on 12/05/2011 2:26:51 PM PST by Dan(9698)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 13 | View Replies]

To: riverrunner

I prepared venison BBQ one time to take to a potluck dinner. One old fellow was enjoying it immensely & taking second helpings as he ask what it was. When we told him it was venison, that was it.....the remaining portion on his plate was not eaten. Ha! Another time the step father was enjoying our meal until he found out it was venison, at least there was more left for the rest of us.


16 posted on 12/05/2011 2:27:31 PM PST by GrannyK
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 4 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin

Humberto, can you spare one of those hindquarters? Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm!!!


17 posted on 12/05/2011 2:28:34 PM PST by Georgia Girl 2 (The only purpose of a pistol is to fight your way back to the rifle you should never have dropped.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: GraceG
There is no way in heck i am going to go out in the cold and track down a deer in the middle of freezing cold and bad weather.

But that is part of the fun. Dressing so you are warm and comfortable no matter the weather.

Sitting quietly in the woods all week during deer camp is much better mental therapy than spending thousands on some moron therapist who will insist all your problems are because daddy didn't buy you that red Matchbox when you were 6.

18 posted on 12/05/2011 2:31:43 PM PST by Drill Thrawl (The patient is too far gone to save.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 13 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin
You’re all killers!

Yep. Its true. All of it is true. If we we weren't killers we would be extinct because of the wolves and such.

19 posted on 12/05/2011 2:36:03 PM PST by oyez
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin
ROFLOL!!!.........

Now THAT was funny!!!

20 posted on 12/05/2011 2:42:33 PM PST by Osage Orange (HE HATE ME)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: From The Deer Stand

My taxidermist says...”You snuff um, I stuff um”


21 posted on 12/05/2011 2:44:41 PM PST by Osage Orange (HE HATE ME)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 7 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin

22 posted on 12/05/2011 2:46:11 PM PST by eCSMaster (Democrats: the Party of NO!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

Humberto discusses hunting on the Barry Farber show:

Pt 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DH3AsZwzAUA

Pt 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YmVo1W0qCg

Pt 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rH-SafEAsFA


23 posted on 12/05/2011 2:46:30 PM PST by Politics4US
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 19 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin

Great piece by Fontova, much truth in it. LOL!


24 posted on 12/05/2011 2:48:25 PM PST by jazusamo (The real minimum wage is zero: Thomas Sowell)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: MeganC
ROFLOL!!

I like you...!!

25 posted on 12/05/2011 2:51:43 PM PST by Osage Orange (HE HATE ME)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 9 | View Replies]

To: GraceG

It’s 72 here in Florida and deer season right now. ;)


26 posted on 12/05/2011 2:55:17 PM PST by CONSERVE
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 13 | View Replies]

To: oyez

I recently traded my blaze winter jumper for the hindquarters and shoulders. I had no clue what to do with it. Guy handed me a hefty bag and said have at it. It was frozen solid. So I let it defrost a while then started hacking it apart.

Wife comes in and sees me going at this frozen mess and screams. Tells me to get it out of the house. So after a couple of hours, I have all these baggies filled with venison.

So I start looking at venison recipes. I created this marinade with worchestershire and brown sugar. In goes the meat. A day later on the grill. “Taste” I told the kids. “Holy crap dad, that’s great. What is it?” I told them.

I now have to find a venison guy.


27 posted on 12/05/2011 2:55:37 PM PST by EQAndyBuzz (To fix government, we need a rocket scientist. Oh, wait we have one!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 19 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin
Jose Ortega y Gasset’s Meditations on Hunting. "A work of genius!” I yelled. "Ortega was the century’s most acute philosopher!”

It is indeed a marvelous tome.


28 posted on 12/05/2011 3:04:52 PM PST by ctdonath2 ($1 meals: http://abuckaplate.blogspot.com/)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin
"Lady Gaga, actually” she said smugly. ‘We’re discussing her lyrics.”

Lady Gaga takes her name from the '80s Queen song Radio Gaga.

The song is about bad radio. The original name was Radio Ca Ca.

29 posted on 12/05/2011 3:13:09 PM PST by Tribune7 (Perry or Santorum)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: EQAndyBuzz

#1 daughter lives in Tennessee. About a mile from her house, at the entrance to their subdivision, is a house. In the front yard is a tree with one branch cut back and stripped of bark. It’s just the right height for dressing out a deer or pulling an engine. Daughter and family call i8t the “redneck house.” I regard it as a totally practical arrangement.


30 posted on 12/05/2011 3:34:37 PM PST by JayVee (Joseph)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 27 | View Replies]

To: Tribune7

That is very appropriate considering every one of her songs sounds like a bad imitation of a better artist from the 80’s


31 posted on 12/05/2011 3:36:57 PM PST by RightOnTheBorder
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 29 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin

We are all vegetarians.

Animals are simply a storage battery for vegetables, so they don’t spoil. Some larger batteries eat the smaller ones, admittedly, but this is more efficient organization and storage for vegetables than many small batteries...

I personally love the smell of cooking vegetable storage batteries with Montreal Seasoning...


32 posted on 12/05/2011 4:11:49 PM PST by aMorePerfectUnion (You know, 99.99999965% of the lawyers give all of them a bad name)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin
A true sportsman shows respect for the animal. I always enjoyed the opening scene in the 1992 movie of James Fenimore Cooper's "The last of the Mohicans", where after killing an elk the Indian hunters pause for a moment of prayer giving respect for the animal they had just taken. "We're sorry to kill you, Brother. We do honor to your courage and speed, your strength." Click here to view
33 posted on 12/05/2011 4:14:51 PM PST by vortigern
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin

My family always uses the swingset for hanging them. Strong crossbar at the perfect height, with nothing but lawn below to mess up.


34 posted on 12/05/2011 4:40:25 PM PST by Hebrews 11:6 (Do you REALLY believe that (1) God is, and (2) God is good?)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: EQAndyBuzz
Venison; the other red meat.

Locally, I've noticed over the years as deer hunting has grown more and more popular so has the deer population grown.

35 posted on 12/05/2011 5:47:23 PM PST by oyez
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 27 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin

LMAO!!!!! I LOVE it! Coming from a hunting family.....this is close to my heart. ;-)


36 posted on 12/05/2011 6:59:35 PM PST by RushIsMyTeddyBear (A MUST WATCH: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=KeOLurcQaqI)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: GraceG

You don’t need to freeze, or tromp through bad weather.

When I was twelvish, Mom & our hostess were cleaning up the kitchen, as Dad, my older brothers, and I; and her husband and son, all hit the woods.

When we got back for lunch, the buck they shot in the pasture, while they were sitting and talking on the back porch, was hanging in the barn.


37 posted on 12/05/2011 11:51:45 PM PST by ApplegateRanch (Si, se puede: uno inmigrante ilegale a la vez! Mi corazón sangra como un nabo*. *turnip)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 13 | View Replies]

To: aMorePerfectUnion

Actually we are all solar powered.

You can’t get more “green” than that...


38 posted on 12/06/2011 3:26:40 AM PST by DB
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 32 | View Replies]

To: aMorePerfectUnion

Actually we are all solar powered.

You can’t get more “green” than that...


39 posted on 12/06/2011 3:27:00 AM PST by DB
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 32 | View Replies]

To: Osage Orange

Nope, Chuck Testa!


40 posted on 12/06/2011 10:59:23 AM PST by Slings and Arrows (You can't have Ingsoc without an Emmanuel Goldstein.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 21 | View Replies]

To: Slings and Arrows
Well, I dunno who said it first. But the card in my wallet say's exactly that....and it's not C. Testa.

FWIW-

41 posted on 12/06/2011 6:58:00 PM PST by Osage Orange (HE HATE ME)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 40 | View Replies]

To: Kaslin

Humberto Fontova rocks!


42 posted on 12/06/2011 7:03:33 PM PST by Grizzled Bear (No More RINOS!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Osage Orange

I was referencing a meme:

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/nope-chuck-testa


43 posted on 12/06/2011 9:07:39 PM PST by Slings and Arrows (You can't have Ingsoc without an Emmanuel Goldstein.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 41 | View Replies]

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson