Molests Your Poodle

Free Republic original content | 5/24/2012 | By Lazamataz

[Lazamataz]

My Native-American name, from now on, is "Molests Your Poodle." You see, I have recently discovered that I am American Indian -- Cherokee, to be precise.

How did I come to know that I had this wonderful new heritage? Simple: I read Ben Quigly's article about Elizabeth Warren (who is running for the Senate in Massachusetts), in which he defends her claim to be of Cherokee heritage.

Ben produces no evidence that Ms. Warren actually does have Cherokee blood in her veins. In fact, he seems to concede she has none. However, he states that in some metaphysical way, that we are all Cherokee. So, since we are all included in that group, her claim to be Cherokee was in no way intended to be a ruse. It was never intended to gain her political favor and perks in acadamia and other venues, prior to her run for office. It was merely that she intuitively understood that every single person alive is an American Indian.... metaphysically, if not in fact.

Does this not perfectly capture the rationale of the common liberal? If the facts go against you, claim that your case is sound anyways and wave your arms wildly, conjuring images of 'spirits' or 'code words' or 'dog whistles' or 'institutional racism'.

When the facts show that George Zimmerman was viciously attacked by Trayvon Martin, ignore this evidence, press on with the case, and talk about 'institutional racism'.

When the facts show that Obama is a none-too-closeted America-despising Socialist, ignore the evidence and speak of 'dog whistle racism' and 'code words'.

And when your candidate for Senate in Massachusetts has been shown to be an outright liar about her heritage, so that she may receive perks and career enhancements reserved for people actually of that heritage, ignore the facts and preach that it "is not so much a lie as it is the acculturation of personal and regional American myth."

Facts are unimportant to a true-believing liberal. Rationality the first discarded of the luggage they carry.

So, in honor of this absolutely bizarre twisting of reality to conform to a liberal need to adhere to a lie, I would like to honor Ben Quigley with his Native American name: "Lap Poodle of Liberals".

And I am to be known as "Molests Your Poodle".

[Red Badger]

Sorry, that name has been taken...........

[Lazamataz]

The Official Lazamataz Sometimes-Funny, Sometimes-Disturbing Ping List

94 Satisfied Customers!™

[Red Badger]

Please add me!............

[Vaquero]

[autumnraine]

I can sum up this entire article in one sentence.

“Fake, but accurate.”

[Lazamataz]

I am absolutely prolific these days. Hope you like this latest one. :)

[samtheman]

Free Republic original content

I like it. Better than "vanity".

[PzLdr]

I figured your Native name would be “He Hits It”.

[bigbob]

We need these threads every so often...

[liberalh8ter]

I am 1/411 Apache. My name is Princess Wannaskinallliberals. Nice to meet ya.

[Lazamataz]

"Free Republic original content" -- I like it. Better than "vanity".

Actually, there are differences these days. There's a category meant for Free Republic editorial and news work, called FreeperEd in the tags portion of a new post.

It's meant for decent quality editorial work. We are all hoping that FR can eventually become a source of original content in news reporting and/or editorial work that will match such places as Red State or Fox News or any of the myriad of other sites.

It's an initiative, hopefully to quality. Vanities will still be out there, but hopefully only good work will stay in FreeperEd.

[exit82]

My Cherokee name means:

“Democrats are the enemies of freedom”

Still a satisfied customer.

[Lazamataz]

Please add me!...........

95 Satisfied Customers!™

[Navy Patriot]

Laz, you dog!

[humblegunner]

hopefully only good work will stay in FreeperEd.

Material lacking in quality will be moved to a different category.. "SpecialEd".

[Lazamataz]

Material lacking in quality will be moved to a different category.. "SpecialEd".

LOL! Nice!

[hummingbird]

Is there really a “The Official Lazamataz Sometimes-Funny, Sometimes-Disturbing” Ping List? If so, I'd like to join unless the fees are too high.

Your ability to disturbingly “bring it” is exquisite and admirable.

[Responsibility2nd]

Watch out Laz

 

 

 

 

They're on to you.

[momtothree]

I never thought that we ALL could be Cherokees. Hmmm.... I do like soft leather bedroom slippers. Sort of like moccasins?

[samtheman]

Good point. And your piece (as always) is well-written.

[Lazamataz]

96 Satisfied Customers!™

[Lady Lucky]

Several months ago I made the decision to self-identify as a minority. It’s been so much fun, I may add a second minority.

[HiTech RedNeck]

so laz did you ever join the facebook political group Knuckle Dragging Conservative yet? it’s lonely in there!

[P.O.E.]

"Your Native American Name Is: Ahanu Howahkah"

"Your name means: Laughing One of the Mysterious Voice "

First of all the many online quizzes I've taken over the years that actually got it right.

[Eaker]

Material lacking in quality will be moved to a different category.. "SpecialEd".

A little input from the boy names Sioux.

[shibumi]

Poodle Bites, Poodle Chewses (Not a speck of cereal!)

[ImJustAnotherOkie]

A Cherokee boy asked his father.

“Father, how did I get my name”

The father replied “Cherokee men name their sons after the first thing we see when they are born”

“Why do you ask? Two Dogs %ucking”.

[momtothree]

“... many online quizzes...”

That was fun. My name is Olathe Yepe... means Beautiful Snow Woman. I kinda like it!!

[Lazamataz]

Wow, I took the quiz. I am .. no joke... Hitite Yapyip, meaning Molests Your Poodle.

How cool was that.

[ZirconEncrustedTweezers]

Nothin’ but the best for my dog!

[Daffynition]

Not enuf details. What form should these screeds take?

[verga]

Please Add me to your ping list.

The web site said My name was: Your Native American Name Is: Wynono Howahkah

Your name means: Firstborn One of the Mysterious Voice

But I prefer "Runs with Beer"

[RightGeek]

LOL

[Lazamataz]

97 Satisfied Customers!™

[twister881]

Ward Churchill, another faux Indian, is called “Walking Eagle” by the tribe he claims...it's because he's so full of sh*t he can't fly.

[MrEdd]

Man, I never even had a chance to say that first.
Stop taking all the good lines.

[nodumbblonde]

I’ve polled the two standard poodles in my house and the response was unanimous:

“He tries to hit it and we take his face off.”

And then they resumed napping.

[andy58-in-nh]

Well, it is a dog-eat-dog world, after all.

Unless you're Barack Obama, that is. Heh. I heard his Indian name is "Dances With Moonbats", or maybe that was Liz Warren.

[momtothree]

You’re a hoot, Laz!! Thank you for making me laugh today!!

[MissMagnolia]

Thanks for the link - I did it and almost fell off my chair laughing.

We are having a war on squirrels around here - trapping & relocating them away from the birdfeeders. We caught 3 yesterday & have one in the trap right now.

Anyway, I took the ‘quiz’ and got my Native American Name: Nina Salai ...... which means “Strong Squirrel”!! :-)

[Red Badger]

I have ‘signed in’ to many different websites and blog posting sites, even FR when I first started, and have received that message when prompted to choose a screen name..............

[no-to-illegals]

Let me play with your poodle ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJKi_yWxLy4 ... Laz, Responsibility2nd was right ... on to you.

[P.O.E.]

Pretty darn metaphysical, if you ask me.

[Donkey Odious]

Thanks for the laugh of the day.
You have given new meaning to the phrase “screwed the pooch”!

[ctdonath2]

“My Native-American name, from now on, is ‘Molests Your Poodle.’”

And your son’s Native-American name is “Condom Made In China”.

[wxgesr]

beat me to it.....

I knew some guys in TX that formed a triathalon team, they used the Spanish translation as their team name. Loved it.

[glock rocks]

Dawg, please put me on your ping list.

[blueunicorn6]

I was invited to take part in an indian dance ceremony. I put on my loin cloth and started to dance around the fire. There’s a lot of twirling in indian dancing. After the dance, the chief called me over.

“We are now going to give you your official indian name. It is CHEE-CHOOK-A-MAWAY.”

I was honored.

“What does that mean?” I asked him.

“It roughly translates out to ‘WHITE MOON WITH A CRACK’”

I’d forgot to wear my buckskin breeches.

[xp38]

I have no native blood in me so I feel deprived but I would gladly join the Laz tribe since it sounds like the coolest tribal name.