Skip to comments.That Terrible 'Ted' Movie
Posted on 07/06/2012 5:45:32 AM PDT by Kaslin
Seth MacFarlane, whose $100 million contract with Fox makes him the highest paid TV writer in history, is now trying to take over the cineplex, with the same old shtick. You could pluck his oeuvre out of the summer movie-preview articles without any difficulty. His was the one where the teddy bear comes to life and becomes a profane slacker who practically lives inside a bong and hires hookers in groups.
The movie's title is "Ted." It won its opening weekend with a $54 million gross at the box office. Clearly, MacFarlane's fans cannot consume enough of his pop-culture sewage.
"Ted" is a fitting metaphor for MacFarlane himself. He is the magical creation everyone in Hollywood seems to find as cute as a furry stuffed animal. He's made his fortune by putting the crudest, most offensive utterances in the mouths of babies, dogs and completely idiotic man-children. Hollywood is never having to grow up.
So the idea that this movie would center on a real man-boy named John Bennett who must grow up seems odd. Why grow up? Perpetual adolescence clearly has worked for some people. Here again, MacFarlane is Ted, holding back the real slackers by keeping them in a state of mental pimple-popping for his own personal gain.
This is the plot: As a boy, Bennett has no friends, so on Christmas night he wishes on a shooting star that his teddy bear could really talk to him and be his best friend -- and then it happens. But it's supposedly much funnier when the movie fast forwards 27 years, and Bennett and his teddy bear are pot-smoking losers who watch too much television.
Now as one of Hollywood's most vicious atheists, it would seem like quite a sellout for MacFarlane to make a movie with a "magic wishes" plot centering on Christmas night, no less. This movie pounds away with the usual and very tired Whack-a-Mole jokes about sex, drugs and bodily functions, presumably because it can't really plot its way out of a paper bag. Even the wish-upon-a-star thing is as old as "Pinocchio."
Ask the film critics. A.O. Scott of The New York Times believes some overgrown spoiled brat in Tinseltown is phoning it in. "The sin of 'Ted' is not that it is offensive but that it is boring, lazy and wildly unoriginal. If Triumph the Insult Comic Dog ever got a hold of Ted, there would be nothing left but a pile of fluff and a few scraps of fur."
That's our cultural elite for you. There's nothing wrong with being offensive, but there's something dreadfully wrong with being boring and unoriginal.
Scott isn't done bashing our boob-tube anti-hero. "The feature film is not a hospitable form for Mr. MacFarlane. He has no particular visual knack, little interest in storytelling and nothing better to do with his naughty bear besides stuff him into a soft, sentimental comedy that seems almost proud of its lack of wit or conviction."
Now wait a minute. Did he actually write that the "Family Guy" flatulence-joke specialist made a "soft, sentimental comedy"? Try and locate that concept within this cow pie of vulgarity.
When Ted is forced to take a job at a supermarket -- don't try to make any sense of it -- he comes on to a sleazy fellow employee by not only doing pelvic thrusts, but also by spraying himself in the face with hand lotion -- a porny orgasm shot on a teddy bear. That should cause Scott to rethink that "soft comedy" bit.
But the film ends on a thoroughly sappy note. Ted gets ripped in half, and then comes back to life after being sewn back together and more wishing on a shooting star. It's the kind of "My Little Pony" ending that MacFarlane would eagerly mock with both ink barrels if someone else made this kind of movie ending.
A few weeks back, MacFarlane appeared with his real-life, bong-hit buddy Bill Maher and praised the integrity of Sen. Al Franken: "He's still -- he's a human being and you don't get a sense that he's sold out to the machine."
Anyone who's seen the ending of "Ted" would wonder if MacFarlane's become so addicted to the money that he's completely sold out to the "happy ending" Hollywood machine. How can someone so supremely cynical go so sentimental that NPR's Bob Mondello would actually say he made a "date movie"?
But then, MacFarlane always tries to moonwalk his way out of his cultural oil spill by washing off a contaminated bird or two. It's sad that so many so-called smart people let him get away with this sleazy song and dance. It's sadder still that anyone would endorse it with his or her cinema dollars.
Must we ruin every dang movie? It was a funny movie that I enjoyed. Everything does not have to be some conspiracy theory. It was a simple very funny movie. Kids did NOT go just for info. Wife and I had a pleasant time going to dinner and a movie for a change. If you don’t like it, don’t go....simple as that.
Lighten up Brent, it was a funny movie.
I’m as red-blooded a Conservative as anyone, but MacFarlane is an entertainer, pure and simple. I don’t watch him Maher, I don’t care for his politics one whit, but some of his stuff, esp. his commentary on pop culture, is downright funny.
Family Guy is vulgar. Cleveland Show is vulgar. American Dad is vulgar. I would expect that Ted will be vulgar, but like all the other primetime Fox cartoons, I’ll likely see this movie at some point in the future. From the people who I know who feel the same about MacFarlane as I do, they say this movie is a laugh-a-minute.
Again, I’m not saying MacFarlane is right to espouse atheism, but to deny him his right to make this “cultural garbage” is to deny him the same 1st Amendment rights that any of us are entitled to. People will pay to see this movie, and he will continue to make Family Guy and others. Denigrate him all you want, MacFarlane isn’t going anywhere.
My kids won’t even know this movie exists, but I defend MacFarlane’s right to make it. Bozell needs to lighten up.
FG was great till the perv moralizing became the main plot. Same with American Dad. The Cleveland B show? Who cares?
Faux should have cancelled Cleveland and got Futurama back. They snoozed they loosed. Now they have 3 identical SMcF toons. Blah.
As far as movies. No way no how will I financially support murder lust and perversion! Just because they call it entertainment, doesn't mean it is!
On the flip side though, the author does us all a big service by letting us know that the movie is another piece of vulgar crap not worth our dollars to see.
If you don’t like the review, or even think you may like this sort of movie, then go see the movie. No one is forcing you to stay away, but some of us prefer not to subject ourselves to that sort of thing and it’s good to know what the movie is about before having to suffer through it.
Let me just add that I try not to do business with atheists or democrats or any other anti-American types. So for me it’s good to know who’s behind the movies.
Support garbage and garbage will continue to be made. I just saw Madea’s Witness Protection and loved it. Tyler Perry supports Obama but he is a very funny guy. A person’s politics are of no concern to me. If a person wants to make vulgar, anti-Christian movies, that is their right. I protest by not spending my money to see them.
Here’s the movie I’m waiting for this summer.
Obama 2016 http://youtu.be/vtv6XUT-hno
I would argue your point with you, John, insomuch as you’d have to be a complete dolt to go see this movie based on the previews alone if you’re not immune to the sort of “vulgar crap” that this movie peddles.
Hollywood is PROUD about the schlock that they put out, and movie previews often show “highlights” from movies that should be enough of an avoidance indicator to a discriminate moviegoer. If you find the jokes and material in the commercials offensive, then you wouldn’t go see the movie. I don’t need Brent Bozell to reaffirm it.
Just my $0.02.
I saw the movie and don’t remember any reference to religion at all. You say the movie is about anti-christian but you didn’t see the movie.....I don’t get your logic.
I think our culture has gone very far downhill. We benefit from moral, insightful literature, plays, discussions. Crappy TV shows and crappy movies do not help our society; they hurt our society. The prevalence of irony within our culture is debilitating because it encourages the idea that nothing really matters, it's all good, and who the heck cares anyway??
People who care about government corruption, government tyranny, financial system shenanigans, and welfare parasites, should also be concerned about the state of our artistic culture. Social Conservatism is inextricably linked with Fiscal Conservatism. Really bad movies are not harmless. They contribute to social breakdown. And the breakdown of society costs you in multiple ways.
Yes it was funny. A couple bits of trivia:
>>the Christmas Eve scene shows his bedspread has pictures of the space shuttle on it. This is Dec of 85. Remember what happened a month later? Maybe I’m reading more into it than I should, but maybe this shows a loss of innocence...picture the kids who loved the idea of space travel only to be crushed at the Challenger disaster. Though Jon does keep childhood foolishness/immaturity into adulthood. But can he change?
An Indian is shown and Ted thinks she’s a Muslim. “Thanks for 9/11!,” he tells her. Reminder...had MacFarlane not overslept one Sept. morning in 2001, he would have boarded a Boston-L.A. jet that was flown into the WTC...thought of that. Yeah he’s a big lib but I thought movie was funny.
Also he got Rush to appear on Family Guy and remember the story posted after Breitbart’s death where he entertained Andrew’s son over the phone with 10 min worth of FG voices...something Andrew’s son will long remember as he thinks of his dad..(this after Seth did NOT savage Breitbart on a talk show)
The scene where Ted is stitched up again—and sounds retarded or something, then says, ahh just kidding—he’s fine—got a bellylaugh from me
An R movie, not for kids but for the kid still in us old farts. I could have done without the dump on the floor though, yuck. And for all the sexual jokes, very little T&A. Ted’s accent was right on and pretty funny in its own right. Don’t we all wish we could get promoted for insulting the boss? Not to mention getting the girl back for at least trying.
Exactly. Ted is cleaning up at the box office...
Yes. btw two girls, maybe late teens or early 20s, got turned away for not having ID. I’m 50, no ID check needed...also a Bostonian so was used to the wicked pissah accents.
Brent Bozell might just be the squarest person to ever walk the Earth.
I actually make a mental note to try to see or read everything he attacks.
I have no idea if the movie is anti-Christian, only that it was made by an atheist.
There’s an article above this which asks, “Is It Too Late To Save America?”
I think the answer is found right here.
You are so right. I love watching old TV shows on MeTV and it amazes me how far our culture has fallen since those shows were on.
Don’t get down on Bozell- he is reviewing it- not declaring that thg government should have stopped him from making it
MacFarland has one of those twisted pathetic lives that makes money and a living off of being vulgar and stupid, kind of like Jerry Springer or Howard Stern.
I just wonder if at the end of their days they will think back to what disgusting filth they accomplished in life and live the remainder of their existance in mortal fear of the warm place that is certainly going to come next for a life so wasted.
Did you like “There’s Something About Mary” or “American Pie”?
the summary essentially describes a bunch of unlikable characters lost in pot smoking, cocain use and deviant behavior.
it is not even worth watching on free tv.
Ted’s hilarious, yeah it might drag a little in the third act as Seth seems to be trying to prove he can do something other than fart jokes, but the fart jokes are awesome. And there’s nothing wrong with a sentimental ending once in a while, it is after all a movie about wishes coming true, kind of sentimental to start with.
There are still movies made without the sewage. Bella; The Ultimate Gift; and many others.
Amazing how they don't have the obligatory sex scenes or profanity.
McFarlane hasn’t done anything honestly funny in ages... Family Guy jumped the shark long ago, Cleveland was never funny and neither was American Dad...
Ted looks like a red box special.
Tired and hack kneed schtick, his has become.
WhileI admit I love movies like Ted and Team America, it was refreshing totake my kid to see "Snow White and the Huntsman". Snow White saying the Lords Prayer, the fightfor freedom against an evil dictator, sacrifice, and the only sex was a simple kiss on the lips. Every conservative should take their kids to see that movie.
I’ll admit that FG has become pretty stale as of late. We DVR the shows, but more often than not, we stop and delete it about halfway through.
Cleveland has its moments, but yes, I’m actually shocked that it’s still on the air.
American Dad is actually quite funny in a very dark way. There have been some episodes that forced me to change the channel, but I think they’ve got a winner with Roger and Klaus, at a minimum. Give me a show with Brian, Stewie, Klaus, and Roger, and we might have something.
Someone earlier in the thread mentioned Futurama, a Groening (Simpsons) show, and I will say that I am immensely amused by the new Futurama eps on Comedy Central. Why Fox canceled Futurama is completely beyond my comprehension. They need to dump some of the crap on Sunday’s Animation Domination and fit Futurama back in there with a full staff. Groening would do well to have a backup when the Simpsons take a bow and the curtain closes on that 20 year animation experiment.
I thought the idea of a magical Teddy Bear growing up and hanging around was inspired, but the trailers left me cold. A good idea wasted as just another Adam Sandler clone.
The guys at South Park had it right. Seth can tell a joke but not a coherent story.
He is the Henny Youngman of his generation.
Seth McFarlane is an unbelievably talented freaking genius.
It may be kind of stupid, but I was turned off by Ted having the Peter Griffin voice. It’s such a well-known voice that it immediately pulled me out of the movie (trailer). Maybe it’s not that bad once you’re in the theater.
My daughter and boyfriend went to see this and loved it! Both are good conservative freshman in college, state champion tennis players, “A to B” students in engineering and laughed so much it hurt. I trust their opinion and they said it was a harmless, funny movie.
Not every movie is good guys shooting bad guys. Are we supposed to boycott the movie? Hold a candlelight vigil outside the theatre and pray for the people coming out?
Still, "Ted" elicited out loud laughs from me which few movies ever do.
I don't get why so many are down on Bosell for this review. Why do so many think that Bozell is saying McFarlane should not have had a right to make it? And in the same breath, they seem to be alleging that Bozell should not have been allowed to write the review?
All I got from the review is that Ted appears to be the steaming pile I assumed it would be. I almost never go to new movies anymore. I prefer old movies made by people who are now dead.
“Bozell needs to lighten up.”
Doesn’t he have the as much right to criticize cultural rot as Hollywood has to make it?
I think so.
It’s amazing that people will defend the right to pour sewage like this out, but attack anybody who dares criticize it.
What a twisted view of free speech.
>>Why do so many think that Bozell is saying McFarlane should not have had a right to make it? And in the same breath, they seem to be alleging that Bozell should not have been allowed to write the review?<<
Comedy is certainly subjective.
I put the categories into Laurel and Hardy or The Three Stooges.
Being a Laurel and Hardy type, the humor of, say, McFarland or the Farrelly Brothers leaves me stoned faced.
I couldn't fine a single laugh in Dumb and Dumber.
Seth McF is a vile scumbag just as despicable as Bill Maher.
Why would I want to contribute to Obama and the dims through this guy? I try not to do business with communists every day and I also do not associate with them in everyday life.
Because, as you can see from the replies on this very thread, people are so desensitized that they can actually relax to vulgarity.
OK, I admit..I saw Ted and loved it. Crude but very funny.
And I am still a Conservative
Oh, and the “thanks for 9/11” line had me in stitches. For a liberal, MacFarlane has no problem with being not politically correct
It should be noted that, the same people who run the allegedly “conservative” Fox News, are the same ones paying MacFarlane 100 million for his services
I usually avoid films that are patently offensive...but Ted was just too funny.
Why would I want to contribute to Obama and the dims through this guy?
You don’t....the beauty of living in a free country. I actually like that button of McCain/Palin....very nice looking.
It’s disturbing to me that conservative people see no issues with movies
Oh well. I find it more disturbing that supposed conservatives are accepting Romney as the Republican nominee but you know what that is life. Which situation is worse for our country? Ted or liberal Romney???? It will be 100 percent Liberal Romney.
Someone who supports the sewer of movies that Hollyjunk dumps into the mainstream, yet is a top-10 supposedly more-conservative-than-thou glass chewer here on FR, and goes so far as to suggest that a the portrayal morally-decrepit teddy bear, mouthed by a virulent militant atheist, is a better thing for our country than a successful MBA/JD married 43 years to the same woman ... I find that ... amusing.
You need to check your compass.