Skip to comments.Don't You Dare Open a Door for Me!
Posted on 12/14/2012 5:29:50 AM PST by Kaslin
Chivalry is back in the news. The always-alert Charles Murray of the American Enterprise Institute draws our attention to an item in the Psychology of Women Quarterly. A new study on what the authors are pleased to call "benevolent sexism" (which, as Murray translates, seems to mean gentlemanly behavior) found that both women and men are happier when men behave like gentlemen.
This being a sociological publication, though, the findings are not written in English, but rather in academic argot. It's full of sentences like this: "A structural equation model revealed that benevolent sexism was positively associated with diffuse system justification within a sample of 274 college women and 111 college men."
If you spend more than $100,000 on an undergraduate and graduate education in women's studies, you can learn to be this impenetrable, too.
The authors of the study were quick to warn readers about what they'd discovered. "Our findings reinforce the dangerous nature of benevolent sexism and emphasize the need for interventions to reduce its prevalence." Right. Though it seems to increase the life satisfaction of both sexes, it must still be eradicated.
When feminists set out to remake the sexes back in the 1970s, they seemed to choose all the wrong traits to emulate and/or eliminate. Women were encouraged to match the promiscuity, aggressiveness, and irresponsibility of men. In other words, women were to model themselves on the worst men. Meanwhile, the best traits of traditional men -- specifically their most chivalrous and protective impulses -- were to be maligned, mocked, and resented.
Still dancing on Mitt Romney's political grave, feminist writer Gina Barreca told the Washington Post's Gene Weingarten that Romney would be a "terrible, terrible date." (Leave it to a feminist who wants women to be taken seriously to evaluate a presidential candidate as a potential date.) Why? Because he'd be chivalrous. "Chivalry is the opposite of good manners. It's infantilizing. It's contempt masquerading as politeness. The chivalrous guy is establishing roles; he is the protector, you are Limoges. Your job is to let him be masterful. In my experience, when you are standing on a pedestal, there's not much room to move around. That's by design."
Emily Esfahani Smith isn't buying the chivalry as disguised power grab line. Writing in the Atlantic, she notes (as Rich Lowry has highlighted) the contrast between the Titanic and the Costa Concordia -- two sinkings 100 years apart. Three quarters of the women on the Titanic survived, while three quarters of the men died. In 1912, men would have been ashamed of themselves if they failed to protect women -- even at the cost of their lives. Was that just "contempt masquerading as politeness"? On the Costa Concordia, early in 2012, men shoved women aside to get into the lifeboats. Oh well, at least the women had more room to move around than on that darn pedestal.
Smith reminds us that chivalry arose in response to the violence and barbarism of the Middle Ages. "It cautioned men to temper their aggression, deploying it only in appropriate circumstances -- like to protect the physically weak and defenseless members of society." Obviously many men failed to fulfill the ideal. We've always had boorish behavior. But wasn't it preferable to label boorish behavior as such, rather than celebrate it as a victory for sexual equality?
The chivalric code persists to this day, despite the best efforts of the feminists. When a shooter opened fire at an Aurora, Colo. movie theater, no fewer than three young men protected their girlfriends from bullets with their own bodies -- and died in the process.
Smith includes an anecdote that sums up the case for chivalry. Samuel Proctor, pastor of Harlem's Abyssinian Baptist Church, tipped his hat to a lady. She was offended and demanded, "What is that supposed to mean?"
He replied: "Madame, by tipping my hat I was telling you several things. That I would not harm you in any way. That if someone came into this elevator and threatened you, I would defend you. That if you fell ill, I would tend to you and if necessary carry you to safety. I was telling you that even though I am a man and physically stronger than you, I will treat you with both respect and solicitude. But frankly, Madame, it would have taken too much time to tell you all of that; so, instead, I just tipped my hat."
"You lookin' at me?"
But one reaps what one sows with their behavior.
And I do not consider feminism, which is a form of leftism. to be an ideology that believes in polite behavior. Quite the contrary. They have made their gains largely by being hostile, impolite, and demeaning.
But men, once again, are supposed to smile when we are being kicked in the teeth and we are supposed to say, “Thank ma’amsir, may I have another?”
I’ve had enough women sneer at my gentlemanly behavior that I am now hesitant to be gentlemanly to anyone. If I take that chance and someone is rude, they get a very nasty response, far nastier than they would ever have expected. I like that look of shock on their faces. They need to know that politeness begets politeness and rudeness begets rudeness. Middle class men have been the scapegoat and the punching bag long enough.
But the short of the story is that, once again, feminists, which are a form of leftist, want the absolute best of everything and they want everyone to be nice to them and praise them while they are destroying others.
“When a shooter opened fire at an Aurora, Colo. movie theater, no fewer than three young men protected their girlfriends from bullets with their own bodies — and died in the process.”
There’s still hope for our culture. You see signs in many places.
“your desire will be for your husband [his role], but he will rule over you”
She is trying so hard to capture all the qualities of men that she claims to loathe, and yet, she succeeds in only looking like a weakling and a pathetic attempt at ‘tough.’
I'm not particularly polite anymore, either. Such gestures must now be earned, not tendered gratis.
When my wife and I were first married, we followed civilized practices. When we went to the car, I opened her door and held it open until she was safely seated. When we arrived at our destination, I got out, went around to her side, opened the door and held it until she got out and then closed it.
During the 80’s and early 90’s, she was frequently castigated by females about our “quaint” way of doing things (the words were actually more harsh). Eventually we modified our routine so that I only open the door for her going to the car, but she gets out by herself. This seemed to cut down on the wisecracks by the she(male) faction.
A while back we had two cars in the shop at the same time so I had to pick her up from work. I opened the car door for her as a normal person would. The next day she was nearly mobbed by women she worked with, most of them in their 20’s and 30’s. The most plentiful comment was to the effect of: “your husband opens the door for you when you go someplace - golly where do you find guys like that anymore, does he have any younger brothers.” That's the second time she had received comments like that.
I think the younger generation of women may be starting to realize that equality does not mean identicality. There are fundamental differences between men and women, both physically and emotionally. There ought to be societal differences as well.
As a life long practicing heterosexual, I would not want it any other way!
I open doors for LADIES....and if older,anyone. Say good morning to strangers,(if in the right neighborhood), will ask anyone who can’t reach something in the supermarket if they need help, and say “yes ma’am” and “yes sir” to most who are waiting on me. It started when I was 10 or so, it’s a habit.
“...that I am now hesitant to be gentlemanly to anyone.”
I experienced November 6, 2012. My gentlemanly-ness got tossed on the “GFY” pile for good.
Strangers get NOTHING from me. An Obama-supporting looking woman with a kid? Open your own f*cking door. Some as*hole in a Prius that wants my parking spot? I shut my directional off and let them pass by. Patience at the grocery store when some jerk-off can’t scan their items at the self check out? Now I say: “People are waiting!” and swear. “What the f**k” has become very popular for me to say.
I’m done. Elections have consequences. As soon as I’d crawl on my ass-cheeks over broken glass to avoid asking a lib for help, don’t ask me for anything either.
I like it when people are helpful to one another and don’t care if it’s a man being helpful to a woman. Kindness trumps ideology.
But there are people who are so eager to “help” you that they yank the door right out of your hand when you are coming out toward them, or push it from behind when they are coming in after you and you are still holding on to it.
I love the way the doormen suddenly start opening doors for you on December 1. A few years ago one of them so surprised me by yanking the door toward him that I fell down.
Do I sound too grumpy? I’m not really. I am very much in the Christmas spirit. It seems alive and healthy this year, with everyone happier, and friendlier, than they usually are.
I’m 32 and recently married. My wife, while we were dating, was constantly barraged by women asking her, “Where did you find him?” I open the door for her when we go to the car. I hold doors for her. I always walk with her so that I’m protecting her (i.e. nearest to traffic on a sidewalk), and when we’re in a restaurant, I always face the restaurant to be aware of who is coming and going and I can react if danger comes in.
It’s funny, because so many reasons have been given for the opposite of all of these behaviors: “opening the car door for her could mean she could be in the car if you’re carjacked; you couldn’t pull her away from danger if you were walking near the traffic; your eyes can wander and look at the other women in the restaurant. How rude!”
I also wear a hat when I’m out and carry a sidearm. People eschew the traditional values of our fathers from a mere 50 years ago, yet things worked so much better and were so much more pleasant than they are now. I deliberately sought out women who treasured my traditional/classic upbringing, and I married the one who appreciated it the most.
A few years ago, I was passing through an office building’s glass front door and held it open for the young woman immediately behind me. It’s just the way I was raised, I guess. She was outraged and told me that she was insulted that I would do such a thing. So, I looked her directly in the eye and slowly, deliberately, shut the door in her face.
most of the mannerisms associated with the way men should treat women are rooted in the practical.
It’s not just that women are/or were too weak to open the door, it’s just that they were historically nearly constantly pregnant or holding a small child making simple things like opening a door nearly impossible.
Birth control changed many things.
We have a 10 year old son in fifth grade—second year Webelo in the Scouts and altar server to boot. He has always been a gentleman. One of the most common comments we receive from his teachers is that he is so polite and treats the girls in his class with respect. As a result, he is well-liked by the young ladies at school.
He is always opening doors for me (or his sisters, ages 14 and 8) when we are out somewhere. It’s not something we told him to do. It’s just something that he has learned from observing the way his dad treats me (and other women like his mom or sister).
You were taught correctly by your parents and probably teachers
I always hold a door open for women.
The vast majority say “Thank you” and continue on their way.
But, I do not have enough fingers and toes to count the number of times some rudeass beotch says, “ I can do that myself” or the more rude “ What the hell are you doing?”..
I used to get a little angry...
Now, I just slam the door back into their faces...
I totally agree and have become the exact same way.
If I think they’re a leftist, I want to make their day miserable.
“Another a$$hole who voted for the communist in the White House,” is one of my favorites. And, yes, I say it loud enough that they hear me and have no misunderstanding what they say.
Bravo for you!!! Nice!!!
Hey, we gotta do what we gotta do, right?
They don’t care, why should we? I don’t anymore.
I find that it helps to look them straight in the eye just before you hold the door.
Give them the look that says, “I’m being polite, the way I was raised. I expect a thank you, but I’ll be fine if you weren’t raised that way. But if you are rude, don’t think I’m going to apologize. I’m going to rip you a new a$$hole and I’m going to enjoy doing it.”
This is funny.
This very morning at work I was walking out to the lobby area. We have large, heavy doors (locked from the lobby) into our office area.
Two men were in front of me going out as well, and a man (Bob) was incoming. He held the door open for all 3 of us.
The 2 guys ahead of me made a big fuss (joking) says “Thanks Bob for holding the door!”
Bob just smirked and said “I was holding the door for the lady behind you”....
I try to go through life looking for people to help. I also know however that being old and female, it works better if I go first out of the elevator or through the door. Someone has to go first and age before beauty and ladies first both being social conventions I go first. Now if there is someone with a cane or walker no matter what the gender or age, he/she goes first. Oh, and I also have trained myself to always walk to the right. I’m left handed and I had to work at this and now I notice that a great many people go to the left (in a hall or narrow space). What’s with that?
“But men, once again, are supposed to smile when we are being kicked in the teeth and we are supposed to say, Thank maamsir, may I have another?”
Only white, Christian men are supposed to smile. For the others, white, Judeo/Christian society is responsible for their plight in life.
I’m so sick of their smug, “I am extremely intelligent and so I always vote for the socialist” smiles that I just look for the opportunity to ruin their day.
Another favorite is when I see them on the road with an Obammie the Commie bumper sticker to pass by scratching my cheek with my middle finger, the same way Obammie the Commie did (isn’t he so hip, he saw that Seinfeld episode). And I do it long enough for them to know I know what I’m doing.
Having said that, I think I've been glared at once for holding a door for a 'lady'.
I live on the third floor of our building, and none of us here, men or women, have a problem holding a door for anyone, moving furniture or whatever.
I spend a lot of time on a bicycle, and occasionally someone holds the door for me when I get home. Whoever it is, I say thanks.
Looks like a slightly younger version of Mac’s mom on “Sunny in PHI”.
“Womens studies”. Huh. Is that where they learn how to wash dishes, iron and mop the floor?
The feminists are easy to spot; don’t bother being polite to them. The rest of us you can spot - we smile and are polite, and when you open doors for us, we let you know with a nice ‘thank you.’
I have noticed more and more men opening doors and being chivalrous in other ways; I think it is a sign that feminism is waning, even here in CA, and not a moment too soon. What a disgusting, man-hating way of acting.
I even got whistled at the other day; I thot it was very sweet. Made me laugh.
Those Marxists are ‘always winter, never Christmas’ in oh, so many ways.
It’s alright sweetie - I open the door for my dog as well but he doesn’t bite me when I do it!
The “scratch with the middle finger” move! YES!!!
I also do the “wiping something from my eyebrow with the middle finger” move.
F*** them and their smugness.
Not me. I enjoy being a girl!
My expectations for my own manners are not affected by what others do. My parents never accepted, “But look what he did!!!” as an excuse for not meeting their standards, and neither do I.
If other adults behave inappropriately, I consider that simply being that person is its own punishment.
A pilot I flew with years ago told me of opening a door for a woman when he was about 9 or 10. She angrily spewed, “Don’t you open the door for me because I am a lady!”
To which he replied, “I’m not. I’m opening it because I am a gentleman.”
I have opened doors for ladies and the elderly as long as I can remember and I won’t stop. I raised all my sons to do the same. I also always offer to assist ladies with anything heavy etc...
I have never been castigated for doing such but probably because I live in the south. Even then I would simply reply, “your welcome and move on” that IMO would do more to anger them but you have to remember as a Christian and gentleman example your are also being watched by others.
We have to wait a couple of minutes for my Son to get into Walmart half the time because he will open the door for his mother and and I. He will stand there until everyone in eyesight is in the building. (He is 11, and a boyscout)
I believe that a LARGE majority of the people in the world are decent folks (even some of the misguided ones that vote dem). The small minority of buttheads out there are the ones that make life harder on the rest of us.
I did the same exact thing a few weeks ago at a convenience store. She went and complained to the store manager that I was rude and slammed the door in her face.
When I explained to him, exactly what happened, he told her that he thought I was owed an apology. She went into a screaming tirade! He then threw her out of the store for upsetting his other customers.
Exactly, I grew up in a family of mostly boys, I open doors for men if I am in the position to do it and I gladly accept a man, a woman, or a child opening a door for me.
That image tell us where the old hags come from...they don’t start old.
Ordinarily, I would agree.
But there is more at stake here than societal manners.
The leftists are “fundamentally transforming” this country into a Soviet-style state.
I will not be friendly or polite to tyrants. I will not make it easy for them. I will not make their lives comfortable. I will not make their days happy and joyful as they are ruining my life and my country.
They are the ones, not us, that declared “war” with the “culture war.” Eff them. And Eff smiling while they kick my teeth in. I won’t be sucker-punched and walk away smiling in order not to create a scene.
But they’re not happy and joyful when you are polite and kind. They are upset, as you observed. It’s like praying for an atheist, right in front of him ... it’s infuriating to him, while I have done the right thing.
My wife and I do the same, hold the door for someone who is following close behind. Taught son and daughter to do the same.
My daughter got in front of an elderly man and opened the door for him. He thanked her politley and went into the store. I saw tears in his eyes and a smile on his face.
In my opinion, life is too hard to waste a moment’s thought on making “statements” with general social interaction. Just do the right thing and move on. Other people’s response is Not My Problem.
FP—love your story.
See if the manager still has the store video of that encounter. It would look great on Youtube.
It was training and it is a habit with me as well.
But now I see those same 1960’s radicals who said, “Don’t trust anyone over 30” with their gray hair and leftist bumper stickers all over their Subaru’s and Prius’s who, now that they are old and gray, want to be treated with respect, want to have their wise counsel govern our lives.
They are still 1960’s radical leftists. They wanted power and control back then. They wanted it as they went through their careers. And now they want it now that they are the ‘older generation.’
Well, I 1960’s radicals turn my stomach.
And I enjoy flipping off gray-haired men and women driving down the road with leftist bumper stickers all over their cars.
I do it to honor Dennis Hopper (who came to abandon his early, radical ways), just as he did in Easy Rider. When I do it, I think, “Eff you, tyrant.”
My son opens doors for me, at stores sometimes he ends up holding the door for the many who follow. I stand and wait, and when there is a break he joins me. The thing that really stands out is how many young men do not know that it is their responsibiltiy to take over the door holding for their companions.
Women, I’m really sorry you’re not men, but I sure hope someday you learn to deal with it.
Years ago when my 16-year-old was about 8 or 9, we made a very rare trip to the mall. On the way in, I turned around to see why he wasn’t at my side and saw that he was holding the door for a group of teenagers that included about 5 girls and 5 boys.
The girls squealed with delight at the cute little boy holding the door for them when one of them swatted the teenage boy next to her, saying, “How come YOU never hold the door for me?”
That said, I’ve taught my boys to say this if they ever encounter a “Why are you doing THAT?”-type of feminazi:
“Ma’am, I am not holding the door for you because you are a lady, I am holding it for you because I am a gentleman.”
That usually shuts ‘em up.