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THE TOUGHEST DECISION: SHOULD MY LOVED ONE BE PLACED IN AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?
SW ^

Posted on 03/01/2002 1:39:39 PM PST by Sir Gawain

THE TOUGHEST DECISION: SHOULD MY LOVED ONE
BE PLACED IN AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?

For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one — a parent, a spouse, perhaps a sibling — is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But you have questions. So many questions. We at Silicon Pines want to help.

WHAT EXACTLY IS AN "ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY"?

Sometimes referred to as "Homes for the Technologically Infirm," "Technical Invalid Care Centres," or "Homes for the Technically Challenged," Assisted Computing Facilities, (ACFs), are modeled on assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle even the most common, everyday multitasks. Most fully accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are oases of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves.

For more on Silicon Pines, we hope you'll take the time to Click Here.

WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF?

Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on those friends and family members who must explain it to them. But unless the loved one is suffering from a truly debilitative affliction, such as Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely personal. You must ask yourself, "How frustrated am I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to open an email attachment?" "How much of my time should be taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard drive memory?" "How many times can I bear to hear my dad say, 'Hey, can I replace the motherboard with a fatherboard? Ha ha ha!'"

To make things easier, we have prepared a list of Warning Signs which we encourage you to return to often or, if you can't figure out how to bookmark, print out.

Also, please take a moment to read "I'm Glad I'm in Here! — A Resident's Story."

MUST IT BE FAMILY, OR CAN I PLACE ANYONE IN AN ACF?

Several corporations have sought permission to have certain employees, or at times entire sales departments, committed to ACFs. At present, however, individuals can be committed only by direct family, or self-internment. The reason is simple: there are not nearly enough ACFs in the world to accommodate all the technologically challenged. For example, there are currently 860,000 beds available in ACFs, but there are 29 million AOL users.

HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?

ACF rents range from free* up to $12,500 per month. The disparity is currently a point of contention in the ACF industry. Many residents are covered through government programs such as Compucaid or Compucare, but reimbursement rates are low and only cover a portion of the fees. Exacerbating the situation are the HMOs (Helpdesk Maintenance Organizations), which often deny coverage, forcing residents to pay out of pocket or turn to expensive private techcare insurers such as BlueCache/BlueScreen.

Offsetting the costs are technology companies themselves, many of which subsidize ACFs. Firms such as Microsoft, Dell, Qualcomm, and America Online will pay up to 100 percent of a resident's monthly bill, but there is a catch. ISPs, for instance, require residents to sign service contracts lasting a year or more. Microsoft, meanwhile, prohibits the installation of any competitive software, while Priceline requires that residents buy shares of its stock, which seems onerous but saves residents on lavatory tissue.

HOW OLD MUST I BE TO HAVE SOMEONE COMMITTED?

Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to legally commit a family member. However, the now famous British court case Frazier vs. Frazier and Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their parents. In that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of Leicester had his 37-year-old parents committed to an ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet Frazier were a "danger to themselves and the community." According to court records, Bradley told his parents about the ILoveYou virus and warned them not to click attachments, then the next day his parents received an ILoveYou email and clicked on the attachment because, they explained, "it came from someone we know."

WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN AN ACF?

First, make sure it's a genuine Assisted Computing Facility, and not an Assisted Living Facility. To tell the difference, observe the residents. If they look rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements, this is probably assisted living. On the other hand, if they vary in age and say things like, "I'm supposed to figure that out? I'm not Bill goddamned Gates you know!", this is probably assisted computing.

Also, at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full, independent lives, and should be allowed the use of many technology devices, including telephones, electric toothbrushes, and alarm clocks. However, only a facility's Licensed Techcare Professionals (LTPs) should perform computational or technological tasks such as installing programs or saving email attachments. And LTPs should NEVER answer residents' questions because studies have shown that answering user questions inevitably makes things worse. Instead, residents should simply have things done for them, relieving them of the pressure to "learn" or "improve."

CAN A RESIDENT EVER GET OUT?

No.

OK, THIS SOUNDS PROMISING. HOW CAN I LEARN MORE?

For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information on Silicon Pines and the ACF lifestyle, which can be found by clicking one of the links in the navigation bars found at both the top and bottom of this page. But whatever you decide, keep in mind that due to demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists. WebTV subscribers alone will take years to absorb.



TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS:

1 posted on 03/01/2002 1:39:39 PM PST by Sir Gawain
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To: Sir Gawain
Great !!!!
2 posted on 03/01/2002 1:42:06 PM PST by JMJJR
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To: Sir Gawain
Just save some money and buy them a Mac...
3 posted on 03/01/2002 1:42:49 PM PST by Cool_V
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To: Sir Gawain
Hmm...I have 1800 users...lessee...$12,500 a month...(sound of calculator keys clicking furiously)...yep. I could save the shareholders a couple mil a month in support calls, frustration, wasted paper, and spam engendered from stupid purchases at cheesy websites. Wonder what the bonus would be...haveta bounce that against the cost of .45 ammo and the aggravation of hunting them down like dogs, one at a time...(sound of more calculator keys clicking furiously)...
4 posted on 03/01/2002 1:45:26 PM PST by Billthedrill
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To: truthshallsetyoufree
I hear they allow visitors....
5 posted on 03/01/2002 1:52:08 PM PST by anniegetyourgun
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To: Sir Gawain
My father-in-law should be in one. He was a Vice-President at AeroJet too. Can't replace the wipers on his car.
6 posted on 03/01/2002 1:53:01 PM PST by farmfriend
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To: Sir Gawain
I'm disappointed. I that this was going to be a facility for those of us that were addicted to the computer.

They could even have a Free Republic day room. Well, maybe that wouldn't work after all. We would all be fighting for which thread to look at, and who got to post their comments first.

7 posted on 03/01/2002 1:54:55 PM PST by notpoliticallycorewrecked
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To: Billthedrill
I wonder if this facility will accept anonymous submissions. If so, send 'em a phone book. ;)
8 posted on 03/01/2002 1:55:54 PM PST by MetalMorph
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To: Sir Gawain

9 posted on 03/01/2002 1:56:11 PM PST by Texaggie79
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To: Sir Gawain
"After sending someone an email, you phone to tell that someone that you've sent them an email."

LOL. We have someone in our office that does that.

This same person tried to page my office when I was on the phone one day. Since I was on the phone, he left a message on my voice mail. When I got off the phone, he buzzed me and asked if I had listened to his voice mail. I said "no", and he asked if I would listen to it and get back with him on it. I dialed up my voice mail, thinking he had posed a question for me to answer. Instead, his voice mail said "Steve, I have a question. Will you buzz me when you get this?"

10 posted on 03/01/2002 2:02:18 PM PST by Freemyland
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To: Lizzy W
Too Funny.
11 posted on 03/01/2002 2:04:51 PM PST by diotima
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To: Sir Gawain
I think I'll check myself into this place, it may be the only hope I have.
12 posted on 03/01/2002 2:11:43 PM PST by Ditter
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To: Sir Gawain
ROTFL BUMP!
How soon can I enroll my wife?
13 posted on 03/01/2002 2:12:01 PM PST by SAMWolf
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To: Whoever
See what fate Billie saved you from?
14 posted on 03/01/2002 2:13:12 PM PST by SAMWolf
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Comment #15 Removed by Moderator

To: diotima
ROFLMAO. Can I check my entire family in? I've often imagined myself spending purgatory as a tech support employee.
16 posted on 03/01/2002 2:20:57 PM PST by Lizzy W
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To: Sir Gawain
This is a keeper!
17 posted on 03/01/2002 2:46:07 PM PST by stanz
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To: Sir Gawain
How funny!! I am going to see about getting my Dad in. He has had several computers since the early 80's or thereabouts, starting with a Tandy 1000 SL/2. He now owns a fairly powerful machine.
He is all the time calling (in a different state, no less) and asking the same old questions..."If I want to save a picture someone sent...", or "How do I change the background on the...". You get the idea.
18 posted on 03/01/2002 2:55:12 PM PST by scan58
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To: Sir Gawain
Number 4 of the ten signs:

4.You keep forgetting which side of the mouse you use to "right-click."

I set up my mouse for left-handed operation. My daughter just goes with it. The wife? It just doesn't compute (pun intended) when I say 'right-click' to open that screen (with the left button).

19 posted on 03/01/2002 3:37:48 PM PST by pa_dweller
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To: Sir Gawain
I couldn't find a phone number - my mother and a sister need to be committed. Actually this sounds like a good idea - why is this satire?
20 posted on 03/01/2002 3:46:42 PM PST by JenB
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To: Sir Gawain
This sounds like the perfect place for me!!
21 posted on 03/01/2002 3:48:30 PM PST by OldFriend
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To: Sir Gawain
This sounds like the perfect place for me!!
22 posted on 03/01/2002 3:49:19 PM PST by OldFriend
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To: Sir Gawain
Oh this is good. Very good.

Silicon Pines.
Ha ha ha ha ha...Ain't that a lu lu!?

23 posted on 03/01/2002 3:56:44 PM PST by Bloody Sam Roberts
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To: LoanPalm;Argh;xsmommy;hobbes1;christine11;RikaStrom;slip18; one_particular_harbour...
ping. :)
24 posted on 03/01/2002 4:00:55 PM PST by TxBec
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Comment #25 Removed by Moderator

To: Sir Gawain
Do you live on Satire Wire or something? Duuude! I'm starting to get worried about you. Next thing, you're gonna have John Huang in here pinging the entire known universe....

Did I mention...."BWAAAHAAA!!!??"

26 posted on 03/01/2002 4:30:45 PM PST by Cyber Liberty
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To: TxBec
Thanks!
27 posted on 03/01/2002 4:31:09 PM PST by Cyber Liberty
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To: TxBec
Oh, thanks for the ping, Tx. Now Cyber will have me committed to this place. Although, it doesn't sound too bad.

I just learned this today, and I'm not taking it off Control V. LOL!

28 posted on 03/01/2002 4:54:47 PM PST by Slip18
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To: Slip18
Yay! Another animated gif site (thanks, slip)..this one is cute


29 posted on 03/02/2002 12:13:48 AM PST by TxBec
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