Study: American School Kids Dont Spell To Good (satire)

ridiculopathy ^ | Mark Arenz

[Sir Gawain]

Study: American School Kids Dont Spell To Good

WASHINGTON, D.C.- In a study by the National Center for Education Statistics, researchers concluded that children in the U.S. are being short-changed by the country's school system. The survey found that only one in three American fourth graders can read at or above grade level. That is hardly surprising given that only two out of three teachers can read at or above the fourth grade level according to a separate study.

"They spell real bad and there grammar isn't to good, eather," reads the NCES press release. "The educational situashun in this country is abyzmul. The level of akademics is appawling."

The most surprising result from the NCES study was that children who read eleven pages or more per day tested better for reading comprehension than those fourth graders who spent their time huffing gasoline.

While banning the sale of gasoline may sound like a great way to fix the nation's troubled schools, more substantial steps will be necessary to generate real results.

According to the National Education Association, the problem is a simple matter of teacher compensation. At a press conference on Thursday, NEA officials laid out their framework for a solution to America's education ills.

"This isn't a very complicated issue," said NEA President Bob Chase. "If they paid educators more, they would do a gooder job."

Case told reporters that teachers have an untapped wellspring of pedagogical skills that their current salary disallows them from using.

"Let me draw a metaphor to make my point more clearer. It's like cable TV. You can get more channel on the same wire; all you have to does is pay a bit more."

Chase went on to insist that the recent push for teacher accountability and competence testing was counter-productive, indicating that they may be prime factors in the recent slide in student performance.

"That's just too much pressure," said Chase. "It distracts teachers from placing the pressure and unrealistic expectations where they belong, on students."

In recent years, some school districts have had success by encouraging parents to become more involved in their school's day-to-day activities.

"What would we want to do that for?" asked California mother Mary Thompson. "I drop them off in the morning, and I pick them up in the afternoon. What more can they want from me?"

Some experts believe that local districts could benefit greatly if only parents volunteered a few hours each week at their child's school.

"I stay the hell away from that place," said Herb Mulloney of Hillsdale, Michigan. "It's dangerous there."

Clearly, today's schools must contend with pressures from all sides. Parents want schools that help their children achieve. Educators want students who are there to learn. Politicians and school board members need to see improved test scores in order to maintain current funding levels.

However, there may be a solution yet, a revolutionary concept called "social promotion." Sure, standardized tests are great for getting an accurate picture of school performance. But what if that picture is a grizzly one? Pushing students from grade to grade regardless of achievement may be just the way to make everyone in the complex education equation happy. Educators get a fresh batch of students every year. Parents and students get a sense of accomplishment without the nasty reminder of its inherent falseness. School officials get to keep the doors open for one more year.

A bill recently introduced on Capital Hill will bring the social promotion issue up for debate during the next session of Congress.

--Mark Arenz

[Sir Gawain]

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[Bigg Red]

The scary part is that it took me a second to realize that this is satire. The comment abhout stupid teachers is actually quite true.

[Billthedrill]

"They spell real bad and there grammar isn't to good, eather,"

This is obviously incorrect. It should read "there grammar ain't to good, eather."

[weikel]

This site is almost as good as the onion good find.

[Billy_bob_bob]

America's teachers: Better than babysitters. Maybe.

[FreeTally]

The sad thing is, this could easily be real!

[babylonian]

As long as graduates can say, "Y'awnt some fries with that?", everything will be OK.

[Maceman]

"If they paid educators more, they would do a gooder job."

In other wwords, they could be better right now than they currently are, but they're holding back because they want more money?

[Sir Gawain]

Apparently, moderators are changing satire titles for us now too. Thanks a million. The (satire) part was added by someone with nothing better to do.

[Cyber Liberty]

I'm thinking it's some looser who doesn't spel to good.

[Congressman Billybob]

In honor of stupidity like this, repeated all over the nation, be sure always to refer to the National "Edukashun" Association by its "korreck" name in describing the driving force of this insanity. In a burst of honesty, Albert Shanker (former President of the Amurican Federation of Teechurs), was asked whether he represented the students and he replied, "I will, when they start paying dues."

The swindle is simple: Keep the publick skools open. Keep paying the teechurs. They keep paying dues. The unions keep supporting the Democrats. The Democrats maintain the publick skools. And the beat goes on.

In the US today, edukashun means the dumb teeching the dumber to support the dumbest. There's gotta be a movie starring Jim Carrey in there somewhere.

Congressman Billybob

Click here for a story that is the polar opposite of the one above, "Home of the Rocket Boys."

[dead]

Apparently, moderators are changing satire titles for us now too.

Maybe we should chip in and buy the moderators a jigsaw puzzle or Search-a-word book.

Apparently they have waaaaaay to much time on their hands.

Have you been moved to “Chat” lately?

[Sir Gawain]

[Victoria Delsoul]

The survey found that only one in three American fourth graders can read at or above grade level. That is hardly surprising given that only two out of three teachers can read at or above the fourth grade level according to a separate study.

LOLOL!

[liberte]

Last day of Spelling Bee - 4 out of 12 finalists are homeschoolers

[driftless]

Bad spelling is creeping into all phases of American life. I viewed a local newspaper today that had three words misspelled in a headline. "Cadidates via for title in (beauty) pagent." Additionally it's nothing now to see misspelled words on tv graphics.

[Bigg Red]

Yikes! abhout = about

[cantfindagoodscreenname]

Murphy's law at work here, lol. Whenever one rants and raves about poor spelling or grammar, one will always make a spelling or grammar mistake. I probably did in this post, but I'm too tired to check.

Great article, huh? I'm going to show it to my children tomorrow. I know they'll love it!