 |
THE OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY |
In response to growing concerns about Terrorism, The Office of Homeland Security is now releasing a Terror Advisory Map, providing daily terror forecasts throughout the nation. Be sure to check the color-coded attack conditions in your region to assess your vulnerabilities.
|
Green |
Blue |
Yellow |
Orange |
Red |
|
Low: We're not saying it couldn't happen... |
Guarded: You should probably know where the emergency exits are. |
Elevated: Are there any projects that you'd like to get done? Preferably in the next 2-3 days? |
High: Call your mother. Tell her you love her. |
Severe: Panic. Curse God and die. |
|
Forecast legend:
|
Ask the experts How does a hail of bullets form? The bullets themselves are actually formed by a sort of manufactured condensation here on the ground. When molten ores are smelted, they often cool naturally into bullet-shaped masses. These "bullets" are then gathered and sold to gangs, international military organizations, and sporting enthusiasts who truly appreciate nature's beauty. Then, when an updraft of at least two fevered egos collide, the love in men's hearts freezes. This super-condensed love creates a vacuum. As nature abhors a vacuum, the bullets fly into the air en masse, thus filling the void in the form of hail. More online: asktom@whitehouse.gov |
Bomb
Rogue Blimp 
Anthrax
Random gunplay
White Supremacist Militias
Disgruntled bearded Harvard-educated anarchist sending mail-bomb manifestos
Shoe Bombs
Mariah Carey Today's 13-city Terrorist Threat Index (AQI)
| ATLANTA | BOISE | CHICAGO | FAIRBANKS | JENNA ELFMAN'S HOUSE |
| A large Muslim community combined with the presence of CNN and Coca Cola headquarters make for a high chance of Jihad. | A front of militia activity sweeping through the state provides a high chance of domestically-based disturbances. | Winds may be made considerably stronger with nuclear assist. Chance of gusts up to 10,000 miles an hour. Possible Highs in the mid-millions. Lows in the 40's in the evening. | Possibility of winter darkness continuing into summer due to constantly burning oil wells. Chance of low-lying toxic fog burning off by mid-2003. | Al Qaeda hates her. And rightfully so. |
| LAS VEGAS | LOS ANGELES | MIAMI | NEWARK |
NEW YORK |
| Travelers are advised to play the percentages and stay home. Odds of suicide bomber - 3:2, dirty nuke - 7:2, Bioterror - 5:3, Jet plane into faux Egyptian pyramid - 7:1; Parlay card pays double. | The threat of nuclear annihilation remains high, especially given the prevailing westerly winds from the Port of Long Beach. Hollywood studios are advised to double-check cars. I wouldn't necessarily want floor seats to a Lakers game. | Low chance of international terror. High chance of knife fights and pickpockets. | Low. Interviews with Camp X-Ray detainees reveal that most Al Qaeda members believe that someone has already attacked Newark. | 20% chance of landmark destruction today. Travelers over the Brooklyn Bridge are advised to check that their car-seat cushions can be used as flotation devices. A cloud of anxiety will continue to linger over the region for the foreseeable future. |
| SALT LAKE CITY | SAN FRANCISCO | WASHINGTON, D.C. | ||
|
Low chance of international terror. High chance of knife fights and pickpockets. |
Though threats to suspension bridges have proved to be unfounded, Bay-area residents are still advised not to bend over. | Mostly healthy, with some outbreaks of Marburg Ebola possible by late afternoon, followed by mass die-off of 90% of nation. |
I hate Illinois Nazis.