Divorced Dads: Shattering the Myths

Men's News Daily ^ | July 22, 2002 | Roger F. Gay

[RogerFGay]

Divorced Dads: Shattering the Myths
Authors: Sanford L. Braver, Diane O'Connell (Contributor)
J. P. Tarcher, 1998
Hardcover, 288 pages Special Price: $17.47 U.S.
ISBN: 0-874-77862-X

---

Divorced Dads: Shattering the Myths

July 22, 2002
Roger F. Gay

---

Divorced Dads: Shattering the Myths is a book that should never have been written that everyone should read. Myth has guided domestic relations and welfare reform in the United States and elsewhere. That should never have happened. This book, which shatters some of the most prominent myths is an absolute "must read" for anyone with an interest in family law and welfare research and policy – which I conclude is just about everyone.

Divorced Dads: Shattering the Myths, first published in 1998, presents a compilation of research on divorced fathers by Arizona State University psychology professor Sanford Braver. Braver's was the largest federally supported study of divorced fathers in history. Since then many reviews have been written but I have observed that the myths are not yet completely dead. It must be that not everyone who should read Sanford Braver's book has done so.

Take for example, recent testimony before a child support guideline review panel in Indiana. (If you would like to see the entire internet broadcast of the hearing through RealOne media player, click here.)

A school teacher testified that she is going through divorce and "not receiving child support." She has a presentation in lesson form for the judicial panel, just like she would in class she says. It was complete with play money as a prop. "Some of you have received three dollars ... and some of you have only received two. The persons who have received three dollars represent the non-custodial parent ... Now the two dollars that the mother would have represents not only her income but also what is given to you for child support. That's all the money that you have. ... Your main expenses are food, clothing, and shelter and that does not include child care costs and those can be very great."

No wonder some people say that we need standardized school materials. The school teacher is teaching a myth. Some studies claim that women as a group make only two thirds as much as men. But that does not include child support (child care costs are typically added to basic child support), alimony, property division, tax benefits nor any other financial arrangements specifically related to divorce. Following divorce, women as a group are financially better off than men. Some women, especially those who remarry are far better off than the husbands and fathers they left behind.

One more time. Six major myths fell to actual research.

1. Deadbeat dads: Divorced fathers pay 90 percent of the child support they have been ordered to pay. Fully employed divorced fathers pay all that is due. In addition, they pay visitation expenses. [Depending on the extent of the research providing the result, fathers (all fathers including never married) pay 70-80 percent of what they have been ordered to pay. The low end – 70 percent – relies on recipient surveys that do not account for money that is paid but withheld as repayment for welfare, and possible bias. In all cases, the primary cause of non-payment is that the person ordered to pay is unable to pay.]
   
   
2. The No-Show Dad: The rate of contact between fathers and their children following divorce shows "paternal devotion and tenacity [that] is entirely at odds with the more popular image of the runaways, absentee, or disappearing dad."
   
   
3. Standards of Living: Women with children are, as a group, better off financially following divorce than men. That's right, it's not the other way around.
   
   
4. Terms of Divorce: Far from being docile, easily manipulated victims of a male dominated divorce system, women have always fared well in negotiations and settlements. Men are far more likely to be the biggest losers in the process.
   
   
5. Emotional Issues of Divorce: Women are happier after divorce than men. Given the results related to the other myths, this is likely to cause the least surprise. They have the children, they are better off financially, they drive better cars, their situation is less likely to interfere with new relationships and remarriage ....
   
   
6. Who leaves the marriage ... and why it matters: " ... women initiate the preponderance (63 - 75%) of modern divorces ..." It matters because it vindicates the finding that men do less well then women after divorce, because the blame heaped on men for divorce should be addressed, and because the myth serves to further unlevel the playing field of domestic relations law and politics on which fathers are already disadvantaged.
   
   

Other reviews of Divorced Dads: Shattering the Myths were written by;

• Stephen Baskerville, Ph.D. Political Science
• Donna Laframboise, National Post
• Gerald L. Rowles, Ph.D. Psychology
• Cathy Young, The Detroit News

Copyright © 2002 Roger F. Gay

---

Roger F. Gay is a professional analyst and director of Project for the Improvement of Child Support Litigation Technology. He has also been an intensive political observer for many years culminating in a well-developed sense of honest cynicism. Other articles by Roger F. Gay can be found at Men's News Daily.

[RedBloodedAmerican]

Being with him was like being with a child who grew progressively younger

So is the opposite true? From his POV you were like his mother growing older?

I guess call me old fashioned. If my mate let horses out, failed to pack a suitcase, or repair a muffler, I would still be COMMITTED to them out of love, not selfishness.

[Slip18]

Coteblanche is the best ex-wife you could ever have! It's a long story. . .

[Mark17]

But she is still one of the most knowledgable female hockey fans I have ever known. She is a great lady.

[Kevin Curry]

Fully employed divorced fathers pay all that is due

I a personally aware of several that do not. I came across another one just last week.

[conservative cat]

Yes, women invariably get rich out of a divorce. And yes, the prisons are full of violent women. There are hardly any men who commit violence against women--it is extremely rare.

I agree with you 100%. There are bad women out there, but there are some really nasty men out there. I, unfortunately, have run into more than my share. Many of my female friends have run into them, too.

[Rebelbase]

FYI, I corraled 4 horses running loose down a country road all by myself a few years ago. Drove them with my car then cut them off and threw open a gate and shooed them inside.

A horse from the pasture that adjoined the corral area started a fight with one of these stranger horses, both were raring up and hitting the flimsey gate with their hooves... I grabbed a towel and slung it around my head yelling like a bashee to break that one up.

What a rush!....But, being a man, I must have screwed up somehow.

[jumpstartme]

I am also annoyed when people call blinkers blinders.

Let's face it, you're just annoyed. I agree, you need a hunk of string cheese with your whine.

[PFKEY]

Your story seems to be rare but no less beleivable. Cinci huh? Well, hello from your neighbor down in Lexington.

[Mark17]

What a MAN!

Sounds like you hooked up with a real winner. Where on earth did you find that dude? Not all men are like that.

[Mark17]

So how do you like those pictures I sent?

[Mark17]

The world would be destroyed if they were.

Well, I was going to say in my post that the human race would not survive, but I didn't say it. How could a guy who thinks like that, ever get a degree in chemical engineering? I know some genius guys like Einstein and Edison were a bit absent minded, and maybe they needed someone to tell them when to eat and sleep, but that guy? WOW.

[Mark17]

My ears are burning :-)

LOL, I was hoping you would not see that. :-) I know for a fact that my team will have a disastrous season. Oh well, maybe in the next century they might have a winner, but then again, maybe not.

[PFKEY]

I think a good deal of the trouble people have is not wating or choosing wisely when it comes to their soulmates.

Too often I've seen people get married to someone just because they are lonely or horney or some other bad reason.

Choose wisely!

That advise certainly wont help in all situation but should go a long way in many.

[jumpstartme]

I accept baseball, as do millions of others, that is, until the @ssholes go on strike. Then all bets are off. I like baseball, hot dogs, apple pies and 3 day kisses, not necessarily in that order.

But, only one gal gets my kisses. And, she aint't tasting bitters.

[Mark17]

Now, this post was addressed to Mark17, so we are going to have to be careful of our pronouns here, or we will really confuse people. I am the best ex-wife Cyber ever had, not Mark17 ..... for those who are interested ;-).

Yes, I have my own ex thank you. One is quite sufficient, but I am still working on some angles, and I think I am about decided on who, and you know what I am talking about.

[Mark17]

I can see that I wouldn't be a great lady, if I weren't a knowledgable hockey fan ;-). What choice do I have? I live five minutes away from where our professional hockey team plays LOL.

Ah, well, let me see if I can extricate myself from this one. You would still be a great lady even if you were not a hockey fan. I wish I lived that close to a NHL rink. I am 70 miles from the Shark tank, and 45 miles from Sacramento, where I will go see an exhibition game on Sept 30th. If you remember a few years ago when they were reqired to play neutral site games, I used to see quite a few NHL games in Sacramento.

[RogerFGay]

To All: I buried my wife 3 years ago, I miss her as much today as I did right after she died, to those of you who are bitching about who has it harder I say to you get off of your pitty pots.

We're sorry about your loss. Why don't you get off your pitty pot?

[RogerFGay]

Sorry, can't find any. RogerFGay had an argument with you, where it looked like he was trying to claim something specific through statistics, or maybe that you were lying because your life disagreed with the statistics, or something. Truth is, I'm not sure what he was getting at, but it seemed a poor argument. But I wouldn't say it showed hatred so much as poor debate (or writing) skills. And it was certainly the worst I've seen on this thread.

Well, now I have two mischaracterizations of my comments to contend with. It was probably a poor debate because it wasn't a debate. I stated a simple fact. Statistically, women are better off following divorce than men.

[RogerFGay]

I a personally aware of several that do not. I came across another one just last week.

Have the results of your study been published yet?

[MeekOneGOP]

LOL! Actually it took me a minute too. But when I read aloud the punchline
"Obscene clone falls", well that made the sun shine, lol.

[MeekOneGOP]

DOH!

That reminds me, I lifted this little thing yesterday. You can use it too, if ya want.

[RedBloodedAmerican]

Grieving is not the same as self-pity. It isn't, not by a long shot.

[RogerFGay]

Grieving is not the same as self-pity. It isn't, not by a long shot.

So now that you've got everything and everybody pre-labeled, you're obviously trapped. There's no way for you to enter the reality-based discussion.

[RedBloodedAmerican]

Werent you labeling them?

[RogerFGay]

No, I was responding to a guy who was labeling them.

[RedBloodedAmerican]

Well then my apologies. It seemed that someone who stated they missed their wife of 3 years deceased was being accused of "pity" party or so. My comment was that it would appear ot be more grieving than self pity, and an online forum is not the place to make the easiest discernment of which it is, but I would give the benefit of the doubt on widowhood being grievous, not self-pity. Thanks.

[RogerFGay]

Well then my apologies. It seemed that someone who stated they missed their wife of 3 years deceased was being accused of "pity" party or so. My comment was that it would appear ot be more grieving than self pity, and an online forum is not the place to make the easiest discernment of which it is, but I would give the benefit of the doubt on widowhood being grievous, not self-pity. Thanks.

OK then. I said we were all sorry about his loss. As for his labeling of people who are discussing issues here, he just didn't get it right. Sure there are emotions involved, and I'm sure that divorced men grieve over the loss of their children to divorce just as children grieve over the loss of a parent to divorce. There are of course differences. Divorced fathers are in a situation something like watching their children die every day -- I mean, their children are in fact still alive and obviously if some changes are made they would be reunited with their children. At the same time, they're fighting massive government fraud and corruption. The government is waging war against them as part of the game to get away with it. Nothing about their situation suggests that it's appropriate to just get over it.

[eaglebeak]

At the same time, they're fighting massive government fraud and corruption. The government is waging war against them as part of the game to get away with it. Nothing about their situation suggests that it's appropriate to just get over it

Then maybe it's time those divorced dads who feel this way take on some hard core personal responsibility from the outset to change things. They don't have to sit on the sidelines and "watch their children die every day" and look to the government. Sheesh.

[RogerFGay]

Then maybe it's time those divorced dads who feel this way take on some hard core personal responsibility from the outset to change things. They don't have to sit on the sidelines and "watch their children die every day" and look to the government. Sheesh.

I'm constantly amazed by the snide comments from arm chair quarterbacks, especially the illogic of most of them. They're fighting massive government corruption against a government that is waging war against them. The transformation to "they don't have to sit on the sidelines and look to government" must bewilder logicians the world over.

[eaglebeak]

The transformation to "they don't have to sit on the sidelines and look to government" must bewilder logicians the world over.

You don't have to be a logician to figure it out.

[RogerFGay]

You don't have to be a logician to figure it out.

Why don't you explain what you mean?