Posted on 09/01/2002 8:23:02 AM PDT by genefromjersey
Editors' Note : Our original Correspondent,Mullah Achmed, whose advice column, "ACHMED SEZ ", was followed daily by millions of the Faithful, was transported-quite suddenly- into Paradise, when the ( Ptoo ! ) Infidel Crusaders dropped one of their (Satanic) "Smart Bombs" into the Mullah's blessed vicinity-( Death to the Infidel Dogs ! )
We,the (Holy !) Mullah's devoted servants,have decided,(Allah willing )to try to respond to some of the Mullah's still-unanswered mail,so that his blessed Legacy may continue.
Sheik X of Oman writes : Dearly beloved of Allah: My sons,who are in their early teens, have begun to pester about going into town with me, on those occasions when it is my sacred duty to inspect the "fleshpots" for signs of corruption and immorality. This would be a grave inconvenience, and I am considering having them beheaded for their impertinence. Have you ( O Beloved of Allah ! ) any advice ??
Dear Sheik X:
It is written in the Sharias thusly:
The Prophet ( May his name be praised ! )
Says: "Treat your young sons gently-
Should they wish to go to town,
Let them trot behind your Bentley. "
Only in Amerika ( Yea and Verily ! )
Land of Satanic opp-or-tunity ( o, yea ! )
Can a poor Jihadist get a visa fast
And strike out with impunity !
Only in Amerika ( Strike with all you might and main ! )
Where Unbelievers wander free ( Wonderous targets here !)
Can you wed a truly ugly Douglass girl (My, yes ! )
And teach her all that she can be...
It is ( Alas ! ) with great regret
I send this tale of woe:
A packet sent to Achmed's Mail
Dealt us a cru-el blow !
I still have here the wrapper
Addressed in cursive hand :
To: MULLAH ACHMED'S FOLLOWERS
From: The Female Taliban .
O, when I brought the packet in
They were happy as could be:
Singing: ONLY IN AMERIKA
And laughing: " Tee-hee-hee ! "
They greeted me as usual:
One of them did roar:
"Get thy filthy butt outside !"
And kicked me out the door.
As I stumbled cross the yard
There came a dreadful sound :
A hot and fearsome shockwave
That tossed me round and round !
When all the dust was settled
I stood there quite alone !
I must return your letters, stamped:
ADDRESSEE WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN !
I have discovered that I am exhibiting Christian tendencies. I am thinking about 'coming out' to my parents this ramadahn. Is this a good idea?
I don't know if this helps but they will be celebrating ramadahn at the Ramadainn.
The infidel women at the strip bar I frequent
have begun to laugh at me when I demand that they dance
the dance of harlots on my table for free.
Is it okay to pay these filthy naked ladies of the night
for something I already deserve?
Neeba Wash Hemselv
You have already won 20 million dollars
if your name has been pre-selected
in the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!!!
My (our) husband is tired of Hummus and Falafel night after night! The thirteen of us have put our heads - er - veils together and cannot find new and enticing dishes for chick peas! Can you help me (us)? Our beloved Master will have me (us) stoned to death if I (we) do not come up with something new!
Signed,
Fatima Abdul al-Azziz al-Sheik Fazwad (Wife #5)
I, the lowly Porter, was the sole survivor of a vicious bomb attack by a group of Infidel Satanic Jinn, who call themselves the Female Taliban ( or some such ), and whose presence is much to be dreaded !
I have to keep moving from tent to tent, lest they discover me, and for this reason , and the potential of inadvertent "hogging" (Forgive my intemperate phraseology , Oh Prophet ! ) of some ( doubtless Satanic ) phenomenon of the Jinn called " Bandwith ", I must limit my (incredibly uninformed ) replies. ( Please convey this to all. )
"Coming Out" on Ramadan
is apt to be unwise
Fasting Faithful might just poke
Sharp objects in your eyes !
Though I am but a lowly scut
One thing seems rather clear :
Dancing women can be bought,
But the price is often dear !
They think they're Entertainers
With "booty" made of gold
But half of them are "druggies",
And the rest are worn and old !
Treat them all like ladies grand :
Let each wench think she's a star;
That way, they'll all die happy
When you detonate the bar !!!
Shoo-Fly Pie
And Apple Pan Dowdy
Makes your eyes light up
And your tummy say :"Howdy !"
(Shoo-Fly Pie - the lyric continues ;
I never get enough of that wonderful stuff !)
Ladies, use your big brown eyes
I'm sure you"ll find six cups of flies !
Pour them in the Apple Pan
Or an empty ration can.
Stir them with a donkey pizzle
Heat it up, and make it sizzle
Add sour milk ( just let it drizzle )
Round and round the cauldron go
In some poisoned entrails throw
For seasoning, a cup of ticks.
(Serves six. )
I am like a maggot that crawls through camel dung. I don't deserve to be alive before i met you I was totally lost. There has been a terrible sand storm that has destroyed my pictures of my perilous journey. I will try for the last time to post this picture of your humble servant (me al-Achmed) leaving the homeland for evil satinic America. All praise to Allah and to the all knowing Mullah Achmed.
al-Achmed
al-Achmed
Do not concern yourself with the drug addictions of the exotic dancers of America for they support the Afghanistan herion trade. The money you so wickedly spend on their suggestive gyrations does get put to good use in the muslim homeland.
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