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For sale: a town called Bruce (MONTY PYTHON ALERT)
The Sunday Telegraph ^ | September 1, 2002 | Mark Chipperfield

Posted on 09/01/2002 2:57:28 PM PDT by MadIvan

A town called Bruce has come on the market in the Australian outback. For about £110,000, the lucky buyer will secure a fine Victorian railway station converted into a guest-house along with several miles of track, a derelict pub, a small cottage and panoramic views of the untamed South Australian countryside.

He or she will also acquire ownership of a place-name that, thanks to the comedy sketches of Monty Python, is inextricably associated with the Australian male.

With a resident population of just four people and three dogs, Bruce (200 miles north of Adelaide) is not exactly the hub of the universe - in fact, the town no longer appears on Australian road maps.

The town's English-born owner, Tony Gwynn-Jones, 75, known locally as the Baron of Bruce, says that, despite its isolation, the town offers plenty of distractions.

"You'd be surprised by the number of people who turn up here in their cars just to have their photo taken under the Bruce sign," he says. "Most of them seem to be married to someone called Bruce.

"We're in the centre of this vast open plain with the Flinders Ranges in the distance, so it's a bit like being on a ship in the middle of the ocean. Visitors have no choice but to unwind."

Robert Stephens, the estate agent handling the sale, says that the property has already stimulated enormous interest, both within Australia and internationally.

"It's not every week that you get to sell a railway station, an outback pub and a B & B all in the same parcel," he says. "Putting a price on the property was one of our biggest problems, but the response has been strong. We've already had interest from Sydney and from the United Kingdom."

Mr Stephens says that while the new owner would inherit considerable local goodwill, he or she could not expect to be called Baron or Baroness Bruce. "Tony has a unique sense of style," he said. "He's a very colourful character."

Mr Gwynn-Jones, originally from Malvern, Worcestershire, and his Australian wife, Maggie, first came to Bruce in 1984 and fell in love with the town.

"We thought it was such a shame it had fallen into disrepair," he says. "I made a pretty mad offer and before I knew what had happened I owned a railway station."

The couple have transformed the disused station into a stylish guest-house that has attracted visitors from all over the world, and restored some of its Victorian sandstone buildings.

In its 1870s heyday, Bruce served as a significant train link between Adelaide and Alice Springs. It boasted a memorial hall, Methodist Church, a school, a pub, railway station and a resident population of 100 farmers and rail workers.

How it acquired its distinctive name is not entirely clear. One theory is that it was named after an officer in the Grenadier Guards called Colonel Bruce.

Severe drought in the 1890s and a banking collapse spelt the end for many frontier towns in South Australia. The settlers simply walked off the land, abandoning their fine stone cottages to the elements.

"In those days, they believed that rain followed the plough," says Mr Gwynn-Jones. "It did rain for five years, then it stopped. It has hardly rained since."

Today, Bruce is best described as a living ghost town. Many of the buildings have disappeared, while the pub and memorial hall are boarded up. The last train trundled through in 1962.

The Baron of Bruce, as he walks down the deserted main street safe in the knowledge that he is more likely to encounter a kangaroo than a motor car, believes that the town is a little slice of heaven.

"There's no unemployment here, no violence, no social problems of any kind, really. Everyone gets along," he said. "With only four people I suppose you could say we're a close-knit community."

Mr Gwynn-Jones built a successful business career in Australia after arriving on an assisted passage from England. It is age, he says, not lack of enthusiasm, that has finally defeated him.

"I'm 76 next month, so it's time to hand over to someone younger. Am I going to miss the place? You bet."

The couple plan to spend the next phase of their retirement running a B & B in the Clare Valley, one of Australia's leading wine-growing districts.


TOPICS: Foreign Affairs; Front Page News; Miscellaneous; News/Current Events; United Kingdom
KEYWORDS: australia; bruce; fact; humour; montypython
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For those who need reminding what all this is about - "The Bruces Sketch" from Monty Python's Flying Circus:

Second Bruce: G'day, Bruce!

First Bruce: Oh, Hello Bruce!

Third Bruce: How are you Bruce?

First Bruce: A bit crook, Bruce.

Second Bruce: Where's Bruce?

First Bruce: He's not 'ere, Bruce.

Third Bruce: Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce.

First Bruce: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!

Second Bruce: That's a strange expression, Bruce.

First Bruce: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. 'It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty,' he said and she smiled quietly to herself.

Third Bruce: She's a good Sheila Bruce, and not at all stuck up.

Second Bruce: Here! Here's the boss-fellow now! - how are you Bruce?

(Enter fourth Bruce with English person, Michael)

Fourth Bruce: 'Ow are you, Bruce?

First Bruce: G'day Bruce!

Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

Second Bruce: Hello Bruce.

Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

Third Bruce: How are you, Bruce?

Fourth Bruce: G'day Bruce.

Fourth Bruce: Gentleman, I'd like to introduce a chap from Pommeyland who is joinin' us this year in the philosophy department at the University of Walamaloo.

Everybruce: G'day!

Michael: Hello.

Fourth Bruce: Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.

First Bruce: Is your name not Bruce?

Michael: No, it's Michael.

Second Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion.

Third Bruce: Mind if we call you 'Bruce' to keep it clear?

Fourth Bruce: Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer.

First Bruce: Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!!

Everybruce: Amen!

Fourth Bruce: Crack the tubes! (Sound of cans opening) Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to the philosophy faculty.

Second Bruce: I'd like to welcome the pommey bastard to God's own Earth, and remind him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-beaks here.

Everybruce: Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!

Fourth Bruce: Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Haegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism, and is also in charge of the sheep dip.

Third Bruce: What's New-Bruce going to teach?

Fourth Bruce: New-Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbes, Sutcliffe, Bradman, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett, and Bernaud.

Second Bruce: Those are all cricketers!

Fourth Bruce: Aww, spit!

Third Bruce: Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce!

Everybruce: Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you amen!

Fourth Bruce: Another tube! (Sound of cans opening) Any questions?

Second Bruce: New-Bruce, are you a Poofta?

Fourth Bruce: Are you a Poofta?

Michael: No!

Fourth Bruce: No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: Rule One!

Everybruce: No Pooftas!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching...... Rule Three?

Everybruce: No Pooftas!!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking..... Rule Five,

Everybruce: No Pooftas!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Six, there is NO ... Rule Six!... Rule Seven,

Everybruce: No Pooftas!!

Fourth Bruce: Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.

First Bruce: This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.

Everybruce: Amen!

First Bruce: Right, let's get some Sheilas.

Regards, Ivan

1 posted on 09/01/2002 2:57:28 PM PDT by MadIvan
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To: Dog; Desdemona; texasbluebell; Amelia; nopardons; general_re; dighton; alisasny; Cacique; alfa6; ...
Bump!
2 posted on 09/01/2002 2:58:45 PM PDT by MadIvan
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To: MadIvan; Poohbah
Rule Six bump.
3 posted on 09/01/2002 3:00:25 PM PDT by dighton
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To: dighton
Rule Six bump.

But there is NO Rule Six. ;)

Regards, Ivan

4 posted on 09/01/2002 3:06:39 PM PDT by MadIvan
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To: MadIvan
Even if I did have that kinda money, I wouldn't buy Bruce...
5 posted on 09/01/2002 3:06:44 PM PDT by Libloather
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To: MadIvan
,,, I like traffic lights. I like traffic lights. I like traffic lights, especially when they're red.

Do ya get wafers with it?

6 posted on 09/01/2002 3:07:44 PM PDT by shaggy eel
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To: Libloather
Even if I did have that kinda money, I wouldn't buy Bruce...

Don't blame you. It probably is hot enough to boil a monkey's bum there. ;)

Regards, Ivan

7 posted on 09/01/2002 3:08:24 PM PDT by MadIvan
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To: shaggy eel
Do ya get wafers with it?

It's a bloody seabird, of course you don't get bloody wafers with it.

Albatross!

Regards, Ivan

8 posted on 09/01/2002 3:09:11 PM PDT by MadIvan
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To: MadIvan
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel,

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.

Plato, they say, could stick it away--
Half a crate of whisky every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram,

And René Descartes was a drunken fart.
'I drink, therefore I am.'

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed

9 posted on 09/01/2002 3:14:54 PM PDT by Snake65
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To: Snake65
Full words and music at Full Songs Sounds
10 posted on 09/01/2002 3:17:39 PM PDT by Snake65
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To: MadIvan
Four people??

Oh well.. if I buy the place, do I get to tax them?

11 posted on 09/01/2002 3:23:24 PM PDT by Cachelot
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To: shaggy eel
To get to Bruce, you go to the first traffic light and turn green.
12 posted on 09/01/2002 3:30:05 PM PDT by tet68
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To: Cachelot
Hot..Humid..dust storms and lots of flies....as one who knows
13 posted on 09/01/2002 3:31:28 PM PDT by spokeshave
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To: tet68
,,, ha! Clever.
14 posted on 09/01/2002 3:31:42 PM PDT by shaggy eel
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To: spokeshave
Hot..Humid..dust storms and lots of flies....as one who knows

,,, summer's worse though.

15 posted on 09/01/2002 3:33:44 PM PDT by shaggy eel
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To: spokeshave
And no guns....

Long gone are the days of roo shooting with EXWD .303 Lee Enfields....

16 posted on 09/01/2002 3:33:49 PM PDT by spokeshave
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To: Libloather
I'd buy it, and change the name to "Sheila".
17 posted on 09/01/2002 3:36:24 PM PDT by Illbay
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To: MadIvan
Thanks for posting that, MadIvan. It was beyond LOL and actually ROFL.

Just an aside, however, I've never quite understood why the name "Bruce" in the US is a sort of code-word for gay (while the Australian Bruces are worrying about "pooftas"). In fact, I lived in San Francisco for a number of years and I must say I met a rather disproportionate number of gay men actually named Bruce.

Okay, Bruces out there, let's hear it! BTW, Bruces, no offense meant - it's just odd how a name gets one connotation in one culture, and a completely different one in another.
18 posted on 09/01/2002 3:49:15 PM PDT by livius
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To: MadIvan
[PICTURE]
19 posted on 09/01/2002 3:51:41 PM PDT by Jonah Hex
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To: MadIvan
But there is NO Rule Six.

Exactly.

20 posted on 09/01/2002 3:58:42 PM PDT by Vast Buffalo Wing Conspiracy
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