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Need advice regarding our 13-year-old daughter(vanity)
self | 9/14/02 | self

Posted on 09/13/2002 10:41:21 PM PDT by rudy45

I would appreciate insight into a situation we are facing.

Our 13-year-old (going on 21) daughter is the focus of attention of a 14-year-old boy. We are in the same church as the other family. Our daughter and the boy are in the same youth group.

This boy is giving our daughter more attention than we would like, via phone calls and instant messenger chats.

I'm concerned that telling our daughter to "back away" will simply make the boy seem more attractive. Therefore, I think our other option is to talk to the boy's parents, and ask them to talk to their son. I would think that approach is better than talking to the boy directly. What about talking to the youth group leader?

Or, how about reading "Guns and Ammo" in view of the boy (just kidding)

Please offer your insight and suggestions. Thanks.


TOPICS: Culture/Society
KEYWORDS: dating
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To: petuniasevan
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

I like that one... heh heh...
51 posted on 09/13/2002 11:47:40 PM PDT by Robert_Paulson2
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To: Camber-G
Disapproval and hostility often drive people together, just to prove something. That is not a good idea. However, if someone is disreputable, then laying down the law must be done.

Overall the best approach is constant adult supervision. It will actually benefit both of them. They can enjoy an innocent friendship without having to prove something by being intimate.

Our son had a girl who was a friend at that age. We took them to the mall and various places together. It was fun for all of us and innocent as well.

I know certain ethnic groups who practice adult supervision at all times, like the scene in the Godfather where half the village follows the couple down the road. I think this is a great idea. One person wrote in her book "Arnie the Darling Starling" that the parents sent a big dog on all dates. If the boy touched the daughter, the dog in the back seat growled a low gutteral growl. Any more action meant a very large mouth closing on the boy's arm. It was very effective.
52 posted on 09/13/2002 11:50:28 PM PDT by Chemnitz
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To: rudy45
Call the boy's family and tell them to pull in Bonzo. And if you're afraid of offending them, then forget it.
53 posted on 09/13/2002 11:50:30 PM PDT by xJones
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To: petuniasevan
(Rolls her eyes) "Oh, dad, that's SO OVER!"

That true .. LOL

54 posted on 09/13/2002 11:53:20 PM PDT by Mo1
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To: rudy45
His e-mail and IM comments consistently talk about how this s--ks and that s---ks.

sounds like some freepers I know...
55 posted on 09/13/2002 11:55:07 PM PDT by Robert_Paulson2
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To: petuniasevan
These rules make a lot of sense, except this one:

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.

The last thing any high-school-age kids should be doing is dating exclusively. No relationship at that age should be so serious that exclusivity is called for.

56 posted on 09/13/2002 11:59:04 PM PDT by Arthur McGowan
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To: rudy45
Or, how about reading "Guns and Ammo" in view of the boy (just kidding)

It worked on me when I was a teen boy smitten with a pretty girl. Her dad was an avid hunter and had a den wall full of animal heads mounted. The first time I met him, he said he had room for mine if any funny business went on.

Needless to say, he nipped it in the bud for me! :)

57 posted on 09/13/2002 11:59:54 PM PDT by toupsie
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Comment #58 Removed by Moderator

To: rudy45
Don't be so worried about it. Follow the normal rules for kids this age. No staying out late, he should not be in her room with the door closed, she should not be at his house unless his parents are home and all that.

My gosh, if the kid is in the same church group, what are you worried about. Let them live a little.

59 posted on 09/14/2002 12:23:44 AM PDT by BJungNan
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To: rudy45
Invite him to dinner every night, flatter him to the nth degree, insist on him spending lots of time chatting with YOU, chide your daughter if she doesn't praise him constantly as well, while acknowledging he does have some "small" problems (figure some out). She should be sick of him very soon. My parents did this. It worked.
60 posted on 09/14/2002 12:33:59 AM PDT by WaterDragon
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To: Robert_Paulson2
haha, I remember last year messing up on that one. I put my head in my (now)ex's lap. Yikes. Awful mistake! My mom cried! I didn't really think about it though but it was totally unwise. Even holding hands was a big no-no in front of my parents.
61 posted on 09/14/2002 12:35:14 AM PDT by JediGirl
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To: notpoliticallycorewrecked
re: There are 12 year old getting pregnant these days

I recall in '75 the scandal in the family (girlfriend's) when it was learned that a 12yr old girl and an 11yr old boy had produced a baby.

62 posted on 09/14/2002 12:56:43 AM PDT by I_dmc
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To: I_dmc
Yikes. One of my best friends in 6th grade lost her virginity when she was 11 to a 15 or 16 year old. She didn't end up pregnant, but it was quite a shock when she told me.
63 posted on 09/14/2002 1:07:34 AM PDT by JediGirl
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To: rb22982
That sounds like a very sensible solution.
64 posted on 09/14/2002 1:09:59 AM PDT by DBtoo
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To: notpoliticallycorewrecked
That is indeed a sad fact. But in reality they are in the minority.
65 posted on 09/14/2002 1:12:34 AM PDT by DBtoo
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To: JediGirl
Ouch!
66 posted on 09/14/2002 1:16:43 AM PDT by DBtoo
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To: rudy45
At the risk of being insulting, I must say that asking an online newsgroup - albeit an occasionally intelligent one - advice on how to deal with your daughters budding romantic life is, well, pathetic. This is a group of internet strangers that you have approached for something that is a profoundly poignant, not to mention private moment in your young daughters life. This is the strangest vanity post I've ever seen. Although you may trust our fellow FReepers due to their usually practical and logical views of world events, asking for this kind of advice in this forum is actually a bit disturbing. Good luck to you, and especially, to your daughter.

LanaTurnerOverdrive signed up on 2002-07-02
67 posted on 09/14/2002 1:38:30 AM PDT by LanaTurnerOverdrive
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To: Humidston; rudy45
Watch her like a hawk! And pray a lot too! Good luck and lots of prayers coming your way. Just remember, it's going to be this way for the next few years!

That just about sums it up .. and don't get caught because if she finds out that you don't trust her .. watch out!! .. PMS is not a good thing to deal with .. LOL

Oh and keep in good contact with other parents without your daughter finding out .. Took me years to figure out that little birdie that told my mother everything lived at the grocery story ..

My mom always finds out the best gossip when food shopping .. LOL

68 posted on 09/14/2002 1:39:10 AM PDT by Mo1
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To: LanaTurnerOverdrive
I'm inclined to agree. I'd be absolutely mortified if I found out one of my parents had done something like this and I'd very much dislike them for a very long time. I'd be too embarassed to ever talk to my parents and ask for advice for fear that the rest of the world would get to hear about it.
69 posted on 09/14/2002 1:58:49 AM PDT by JediGirl
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To: rudy45
If your daughter is infatuated with the wrong things, the problem is with her, and separating her from the boy will not end it. It's not her fault, though, it's part of being a teenager in this era. From the beginning of time, children were considered adults at or about this age. When food was a little harder to come by, children had to learn responsibility at an early age. As soon as they were able, they helped their family in whatever way they could. Responsibility was placed on them - if you don't work, if you don't contribute, our family will suffer. By the time they were 13 or 14, they were more mature than most 20-year-olds today. This is the way God made the world.
But in the last century or so, things have been very different. The increased weath and technology has allowed us to pamper our children into their late teens. There is this belief that children should have a carefree life. "Let them be kids while they have a chance," sounds great, but nothing is learned without having to face some adversity.

So here is what we have: When children are 13 or 14, their bodies begin to tell them they are adults, yet we have not prepared them to become adults. Can you begin now? Not likely. Once this change takes place, it can't be undone.

What is the best thing to do? The same thing you should do when anything is out of your control. Trust in God. Trust him to protect her. Trust him to lead her down the right path. You can control her actions, but you cannot change what's in her heart. God can. I'm not saying to give her complete freedom or neglect her welfare, but you don't want to clamp down on her. For one thing, the boy has more power over her than you do at the moment. For another, you would be, in a sense, proclaiming that you could take care of the situation better than God could. And He has a way of making things rough for those who trust themselves before they trust Him (I'm sure you have read the story of Jonah).

Pray. Trust in God, and, with faith, ask him to protect her and guide her. What better hands could you place her in? Be patient. God says he is longsuffering and we should be too.

I am proof of this. I was raised in a very strict, Christian home. During my teens, I became very rebellious. I was willing to try or do anything as long as it was anti-authority. This attitude lasted into my mid to late 20s. But eventually, I realized that my parents had raised me right. I realized that the values they had tried to give me were the values that would profit me most. Now that I look back, I realize that God never left me during all those nasty years. Why? Not because of anything I did, that's for sure. I would say it's because he received some very sincere prayers from my Mother and Father.

As for the boy, at least he is in church and apparently in a Christian home. Believe me, you could do a lot worse. Don't let him be an outsider driving a wedge between you and your daughter. Make him a part of your family, even if it will only be temporary. Find out what makes him tick. He may only be talking that way to try to impress your daughter, and from what you have said, it seems to be working. He may not be a bad kid underneath. Or, like some have said, she may become sick of him very quickly.
70 posted on 09/14/2002 3:14:25 AM PDT by itzmygun
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To: rudy45
I don't mean to frighten you, but my 13 year old girlfriend became my wife 8 years later.
71 posted on 09/14/2002 3:22:57 AM PDT by Glenn
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To: rudy45
Or, how about reading "Guns and Ammo" in view of the boy

Your story reminds me much of my own 13-year-old boy. And reading "Guns and Ammo" would be a great way to get the job done - because he'd drop her and ask to borrow your magazine! *G*

72 posted on 09/14/2002 3:42:46 AM PDT by The Duke
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To: rudy45
Best wishes. Being a parent is difficult. We have two daughters of our own. I wish you well.
73 posted on 09/14/2002 4:47:00 AM PDT by calvin sun
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To: rudy45
Good luck Rudy. Seriously you have enough reason for concern, I would talk to the boy's parents. They are the best ones to deal with it.
74 posted on 09/14/2002 4:59:24 AM PDT by MomwithHope
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To: rudy45
Tell your daughter how much you LOVE the boy. Teenage rebellion will kick in and she'll dump him.
75 posted on 09/14/2002 6:04:31 AM PDT by Lunatic Fringe
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To: rudy45
Our 13-year-old (going on 21) daughter

Lucky you!

I've got a 36-year-old daughter going on 13.

76 posted on 09/14/2002 6:14:51 AM PDT by iconoclast
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To: rudy45
My daughter was 14 when she started receiving advances from a 17 yr old boy. This was fine wtith her but not with me.

Eventually I was forced to go to his home. On Christmas Eve morning I arrived very early with a baseball bat with a ribbon on it.

He was informed that any further contact would result in him needing that baseball bat handy at all times. I'm 6'4"315lbs. It worked like a charm.

77 posted on 09/14/2002 6:19:43 AM PDT by vikzilla
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To: MissAmericanPie
I have a simple solution- I told my 3 little angels they are not allowed to date until they are 35. (They all want to marry me anyway so I am not worried)
78 posted on 09/14/2002 6:19:48 AM PDT by Mr. K
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To: rudy45
But seriously, if your 13 year old daughter is talking to you openly about it- consider yourself lucky and make sure you dont do anything to discourage that. No unsupervised 'date's at 13....You didnt say whether the attention is unwanted or if your daughter is participating... to many unknowns in your post.

But tell her she is the most pecious thing in the world to you and make sure she believes it- that is your best hope
79 posted on 09/14/2002 6:27:32 AM PDT by Mr. K
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To: rudy45
Something that I read or heard once long ago has stuck with me:

As a parent, when you set boundaries for your children, you provide them with a ready-made "excuse" to behave appropriately: "Oh, I could never do THAT! My parents would kill me!"

Your daughter may well want to behave as you would wish her to, and by making clear what YOUR boundaries are, you help her do just that.
80 posted on 09/14/2002 6:30:13 AM PDT by sonjay
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To: itzmygun
As for the boy, at least he is in church and apparently in a Christian home.

I wouldn't assume that

I teach Teens in Sunday School. My next lesson is on Purity. Purity is a state of mind and it is not dependent on virginity alone. Purity means that kids understand the problems they face and decide on a path to approach those problems. For instance, don't dress like a whore. I realize there is little non-whore teen clothing but a teen who respects Purity will approach their clothing with a more discerning eye. Parents will approach their clothing with the same eye towards Purity. Of course, Purity is more than just clothing but you get the concept.

Parents should make sure their kids understand the concept of Purity and how it permeates their life.

81 posted on 09/14/2002 6:30:42 AM PDT by AppyPappy
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To: rudy45
whatever you want her to do, act the opposite way. I am not kidding. If you let her find out things on her own, you will fare better. If you forbid her to see him, etc, you will polarize her into doing just that, and set yourself up as the enemy, and cause resentment.
82 posted on 09/14/2002 6:34:23 AM PDT by galt-jw
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To: whenigettime
A restraining order could be used if necessary.

A restraining order against an innocent 14 year old boy for the crime of (very common) puppy love? Ridiculous. ...And it sounds to me like this isn't a one way street --- the girl is probably just as infatuated with the boy as he is with her. As long as both sets of parents talk to their kids extensively about the dangers of sex at this age, and make damn sure it doesn't happen, I don't see a problem with their relationship.

83 posted on 09/14/2002 6:39:48 AM PDT by Mr. Mojo
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To: Humidston
Invite him around the family. Size him up. Do something your daughter (and the family) really enjoy so she'll notice if he's bored or doesn't fit in. She'll really be grossed out if he "disses" what she loves to do.

this presupposes you have a good relationship with your daughter, and that the boy
lives indoors and actually has a "family" et cetera... which the child in this instance seems to...

LOL... this is such fun... follow with me (welcome to my nightmare)...

okay, some suggest talking to the boy's parents... like they know what their son (hey, he's just being a boy) is doing...
or further, like he's going to understand what the heck his folks are saying about what
you, the girl's parents said about what the girl and the boy were.... AAAAAAGGGHhhh. ya with me, so far?

okay, so now you find that this is no time to finally develop a loving one on one relationship with your daughter.

you don't have one? sorry, i've got no help for ya.

if you do, however, the answer is at the start of this post, in italics. it involves no coercion, no bravo sierra...
it's just right. kudos, humidston, from an honorary mean mommy.

84 posted on 09/14/2002 7:11:54 AM PDT by glock rocks
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To: rudy45
I am in the same position but after talking with the family and having the young man over to my house on many occasions I have great respect for both the family and the fella. Both families are concerned with protecting their innocence and the kids are having a ball. I decided instead of saying she cannot see him it had to be at my house and with groups or else they would have snuck around. After 2 months things are great!!
85 posted on 09/14/2002 7:22:56 AM PDT by Mfkmmof4
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To: rudy45
I wouldn't get too upset, unless he has some obvious character flaws.. Make the rules. No dating, she only sees him at school and church. She can't talk on the phone till her homework is finished and then for a certain length of time and no phone calls during dinner or family time. Make the rules and stick to them. She will think you're the meanest dad in the world but that's okay. You're the dad.

My son went through this with his 13 year old daughter last year and it about drove him nuts. I think it is something about Dad's and their little girls. Her 'romance' lasted about 3 months.

86 posted on 09/14/2002 7:28:35 AM PDT by Texas Mom
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To: Lunatic Fringe
Tell your daughter how much you LOVE the boy. Teenage rebellion will kick in and she'll dump him.

LOL! That is so true and for the sons as well.( I had two teenage boys at the same time.)

Believe me, the boys parents worry too and are concerned about the young love thing.

87 posted on 09/14/2002 7:35:30 AM PDT by Texas Mom
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To: rudy45
Get her a copy of the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", by Josh Harris and then read through it with her. I'll tell you up front that this book is written from a Christian perspective (since I don't know you personally I wouldn't want you to get mad if you bought and didn't care for that kind of perspective).

Also, try to remember that you are her parents, and she is therefore subject to your rules (which is so unpopular with todays teens), and if the instant messages, etc., keep coming after you've asked for them to stop, then unplug the computer. If she absolutely "needs" to go online for some school work, have her do it in a room where you are present.

I teach the teen Sunday School group at our church and we are going to be discussing some of these very issues in the near future and I will be using material from that book. I feel I'm getting a lot of good prep for my own kids since they are still a few years away from being teens. Good luck. You can do it!
88 posted on 09/14/2002 7:50:25 AM PDT by Pablo64
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To: rudy45
Just read your post again and realized that you probably won't be offended by Josh Harris' book. I must still be half asleep this morning!!
89 posted on 09/14/2002 7:52:39 AM PDT by Pablo64
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To: rudy45
My husband and I faced the same problem over the summer with our 14 year old daughter and the boy who lives directly across the street. She's the baby in the family and her daddy didn't like some adolescent ogling her one little bit! The boy's parents joined us in chaperoning their activities and never, EVER allowing the kids to be together alone. Both families included the other kid in family outings, backyard barbeques, activities, etc. They were allowed to watch movies in the den in the evenings with someone else always in the room. My husband cultivated the young man and spent lots of time talking man to man. The boy's Mom took our daughter shopping, etc.

Bottom line - after 3-4 months, both decided they needed more time with other friends. In this instance, we got lucky - no feud with the neighbors and two kids who are still good friends, though over the puppy love phase.

My advice to you would be to watch the situation very closely. Young girls thrive on drama - if you overreact, she will, also. You run the risk of making the drama the main theme, not her feelings for this young man. Limit the amount of time she is allowed to spend with the guy. Enforce curfews. Keep your eyes and ears open. Most likely, she'll get bored. Right now, she is probably flattered by the attention.

I wish you the best of luck.
90 posted on 09/14/2002 8:03:18 AM PDT by southerngrit
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To: rudy45
I like this approach rather than cleaning guns or showing him your gun collection.

Tell him how much she means to you and that you'll forever do ANYTHING to protect her. Then simply look into his eyes with a cold blank stare (helps to point your cigarette right between his eyes, even if you're not a smoker) and say "I ain't got no problem going BACK to prison".
91 posted on 09/14/2002 8:10:23 AM PDT by BigDaddyTX
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To: rudy45
I've raised two boys and two girls. They have pissed me off on countless ocassions. But I trust their judgement. She knows what makes sense and what doesn't.
92 posted on 09/14/2002 8:43:58 AM PDT by Movemout
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To: rudy45
We are blessed (!?!?) with seven daughters, oldest of them now 24. I have deliberately cleaned my 9mm H&K at the kitchen table when EACH of them brought home a new boyfriend. You would be amazed at the looks I get. Of course the girls (all of whom know how to shoot) view the boys' response as a test...Happy to report that I have not used the H&K for other than punching holes in paper to date.

As to the 'attention:' my first reaction is to let it continue. All kids that age are generally quite innocent, despite what you may have heard, and unless you have good reason to believe that the boy is pushing the envelope beyond 'hi, who are you, I am XXX' (and I mean WAY beyond that,) the 'relationship' will probably evaporate within one year.

As to the inevitable "He wants to take me to the movie," you obviously determine that the movie is OK--Bambi, for example, and then slyly arrange that one of your OTHER children will accompany them. Makes almost NO difference how old the sibling is. It will suffice to have one there.

Hate to say it, but she's growing up. Let her.
93 posted on 09/14/2002 8:48:53 AM PDT by ninenot
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To: Pablo64
See post 38.
94 posted on 09/14/2002 8:49:11 AM PDT by notpoliticallycorewrecked
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To: petuniasevan
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

*LOL*...that one is great! :-)

95 posted on 09/14/2002 8:52:45 AM PDT by Happygal
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To: rudy45
this s--ks and that s---ks.

In my experience this term is used almost exclusively with the meaning that "this is awful." I would be VERY surprised if they thought of the Clintonian meaning, or even KNEW about it....

96 posted on 09/14/2002 8:59:12 AM PDT by ninenot
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To: Arthur McGowan
Father, I think there is some irony in the rule. "When finished with you is a sly way of saying 'my daughter comes first and you are merely a Kleenex she pulled out of the box.'

Haven't seen you on the site for a while. Hope things are going well.

97 posted on 09/14/2002 9:07:37 AM PDT by ninenot
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To: rudy45
His e-mail and IM comments consistently talk about how this s--ks and that s---ks. We believe his attitude is being adopted by our daughter.

And you're saying he is a bad influence because of...that? The worst he's done that you know of is to say something sucks? Compared to most of my peers I remember from when I was 13, that's nothing!
98 posted on 09/14/2002 9:18:23 AM PDT by mn12
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To: Jack-A-Roe; rudy45
The restraining order.... only IF necessary.. big emphasis on IF.

Certainly what needs to be occuring (sp) is a great relationship between mom and dad and their daughter. I can't say exactly what I will do when faced with a similar situation except that I hope and pray our children will come to us about another's advances. Dating till 35 (as mentioned by someone on this thread) is a great idea!
99 posted on 09/14/2002 10:32:44 AM PDT by whenigettime
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To: vikzilla
I would have called the police on you. You're a real man for going to a 17 year old's house and threatening him with a baseball bat.
100 posted on 09/14/2002 10:38:13 AM PDT by JediGirl
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