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I NEED YOUR BAD JOKES!
none ^ | now | me

Posted on 09/14/2002 9:01:38 PM PDT by Big Guy and Rusty 99

Hey All,

I need all the bad jokes you can think of . . . I am being forced to do 5 minutes or so standup on the radio show I work on. (She says she doesn't want me to do it anymore, but I have a feeling she'll spring it on me again.)I want to bomb badly. It's an Andy Kaufman thing.

Thanks,

BG & R 99


TOPICS: Heated Discussion
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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Minister, and a Jewish Rabbi and I are sitting in a Greek eatery. We all want a leg of lamb, but there's only one leg of lamb left. All the sudden this Buddist Monk disguised as a bush . . .

It only goes to show you that a leg of lamb is worth two in the bush.

(I stole this from The Dark Backward movie. Even I couldn't come up with a joke this bad.

1 posted on 09/14/2002 9:01:38 PM PDT by Big Guy and Rusty 99
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
Here's one: Bill Clinton.
2 posted on 09/14/2002 9:02:37 PM PDT by Conservative til I die
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Minister, and a Jewish Rabbi and I are sitting in a Greek eatery. We all want a leg of lamb, but there's only one leg of lamb left. All the sudden this Buddist Monk disguised as a bush and steals the leg of lamb. . .

It only goes to show you that a leg of lamb is worth two in the bush.

oops!

3 posted on 09/14/2002 9:03:28 PM PDT by Big Guy and Rusty 99
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To: Conservative til I die
one liners don't count.
4 posted on 09/14/2002 9:03:52 PM PDT by Big Guy and Rusty 99
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
You wouldn't believe how flat chested my girlfriend is. I told her the other night, "Honey, you've got the smallest breasts I've ever seen"

She said, "Get off my back"

5 posted on 09/14/2002 9:04:27 PM PDT by WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
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To: Conservative til I die
LOL~ and Janet Reno...
6 posted on 09/14/2002 9:04:35 PM PDT by Bad~Rodeo
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
What do you call an Afghan with a dog?
A vegetarian.
What do you call an Afghan with two dogs?
A rancher.
7 posted on 09/14/2002 9:05:22 PM PDT by gcruse
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
How about a variation from the film Caddyshack, representing the WASP viewpoint:
Judge Smails: Say, Fred, did you hear the one about the Jew, the Catholic, and the Colored Boy who went to heaven?
Bishop Pickering: (laughs out loud) Yeah, Judge, that's a doozy.
8 posted on 09/14/2002 9:05:52 PM PDT by Conservative til I die
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To: WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
LOL
9 posted on 09/14/2002 9:05:57 PM PDT by gcruse
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
So this seal walks into a club.
10 posted on 09/14/2002 9:06:46 PM PDT by Timesink
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To: Senator Pardek
I NEED YOUR BAD JOKES!

Hey, Pardek!....this should be right up your alley!

11 posted on 09/14/2002 9:07:18 PM PDT by hole_n_one
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
The parking situation in San Francisco is horrific, but I finally solved it. I went out and bought a parked car.
12 posted on 09/14/2002 9:07:25 PM PDT by gcruse
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
Whats the first thing on a bugs mind when it hits the windsheild ?

Its ass!

13 posted on 09/14/2002 9:07:30 PM PDT by ATOMIC_PUNK
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
A termite walks into a saloon and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
14 posted on 09/14/2002 9:07:34 PM PDT by Rocko
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To: WhyisaTexasgirlinPA
and you wonder why you're in PA...oy vey...LOL~
15 posted on 09/14/2002 9:07:54 PM PDT by Bad~Rodeo
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To: Conservative til I die
Here's another: Libertarians!
16 posted on 09/14/2002 9:08:04 PM PDT by A CA Guy
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
Bartender says...."What is this...a joke?"
17 posted on 09/14/2002 9:08:17 PM PDT by eddie willers
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
A woman walks into a bar carring a duck under her arm.
The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?"
The woman says, "This isn't a pig, it's a duck."
The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
18 posted on 09/14/2002 9:09:43 PM PDT by gcruse
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
I don't know if this is a really bad joke, but I know its a really stupid one:

Where do bees go to the potty? At the BP station. (Get it? BP. Bee pee. Tinkle, tinkle?)

19 posted on 09/14/2002 9:09:56 PM PDT by yankeedame
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
Found One..


20 posted on 09/14/2002 9:10:07 PM PDT by cmsgop
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
Okay. Two guys walk into a bar, and the third guy dicks.
21 posted on 09/14/2002 9:10:16 PM PDT by stands2reason
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
A-hem... that's

Two guys walk into a bar and the third guy ducks.

22 posted on 09/14/2002 9:11:53 PM PDT by stands2reason
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To: stands2reason
What?
23 posted on 09/14/2002 9:12:04 PM PDT by gcruse
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
Two cannibals are dining on a clown.
One turns to the other and says...
"This taste funny to you?"
24 posted on 09/14/2002 9:12:20 PM PDT by eddie willers
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
freeper humor
25 posted on 09/14/2002 9:12:51 PM PDT by glock rocks
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
Black woman gets her hair bleached blond and shows it to her friend.
"How do you like my hair, honey? You don't think it makes me look too Polish, do you?"

26 posted on 09/14/2002 9:14:10 PM PDT by gcruse
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To: ATOMIC_PUNK
No. It's, "What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind when he hits the windshield?"
27 posted on 09/14/2002 9:14:17 PM PDT by hoosierskypilot
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
Q: What does Bill Clinton do with his a$$hole every morning?

A: DRESSES HER UP & SENDS HER TO THE SENATE!

28 posted on 09/14/2002 9:14:46 PM PDT by martin_fierro
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
Here, these definately Suck...L~,

Q: WHY IS IT SO HARD TO CALL A ZOO?

A: BECAUSE THE LIONS ARE ALWAYS BUSY

Q: Why do brides wear white

A: So that they match the other kitchen appliances

Q: How many mice does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, but god knows how they got there!

Q: Why did the Mexican throw his wife off the cliff?

A: TEQUILA

Q: What's the difference between a used tire and 365 used condoms?

A: One's a Goodyear, and the other's a very good year.

Three men walk into a bar, the fourth one ducked!

Q-What's the difference between a porn flick and the spice girls?

A-The Porn has better music.

Q- How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb

A- Two, you just have to figure how to get them in there

Q- How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb

A- one a man'll screw anything

Q- What did the "Bra" say to the "Head?"

A- "You go on a head, and I will give these two a lift!"

Q. Did you ever smell Mothballs?

A. How do you get their little legs apart?

29 posted on 09/14/2002 9:15:42 PM PDT by Bad~Rodeo
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
Q: What is the most overused pick-up line in a gay bar?

A: "Please, allow me to push in your stool."
30 posted on 09/14/2002 9:15:48 PM PDT by Jeff Chandler
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To: yankeedame
Why do mice have such tiny balls?



Not many of them know how to dance.


The very first naughty joke I ever heard.
31 posted on 09/14/2002 9:15:54 PM PDT by Samwise
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
Cop pulls over a speeder.

"Hey, buddy. You know you can only go 55 miles an hour on this road."

"Don't worry, officer, I'm not going that far anyway."

32 posted on 09/14/2002 9:16:11 PM PDT by The Old Hoosier
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To: eddie willers

33 posted on 09/14/2002 9:16:39 PM PDT by hole_n_one
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To: eddie willers
LOL This one actually made me laugh...good one!
34 posted on 09/14/2002 9:16:40 PM PDT by Justice
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
See if this one's bad enough for you. Not just bad but long too.

Some guy was walking through the forest when he saw a big hole. He threw in a rock and couldn't hear it ever hit bottom. He looked around for something bigger and louder to throw. He found a rusty bucket and threw it in the hole. Still not a sound. No telling how deep the hole could be. He looked around some more and saw a picnic table.With much effort he pushed the table into the hole and cupped his hand by his ear to listen.

Just then the weirdest thing happened. A donkey came charging at him, jumped in the hole and that was that.

The guy was still stunned 15 minutes later when a farmer came by and asked him a question. "Partner, have you seen my donkey anywhere?" Mr., I tell you it was the damndest thing I'd ever seen. This donkey came charging out of the woods and jumped right into that big hole over there. The farmer looked and said, "nah, couldn't have been my donkey, he was tied to a picnic table."

35 posted on 09/14/2002 9:17:16 PM PDT by Beernoser
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
We understand. Just remember, a hand in the bush is worth two birds,..uh, something like that........
36 posted on 09/14/2002 9:17:19 PM PDT by billhilly
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Minister, and a Jewish Rabbi are playing poker one night. The game gets busted (Houston Police, after long planning). The three perps are brought before a magistrate.

The Magistate asks the Priest, "Were you gambling?"

The Priest replies (after crossing himself to get to the other side), "No, Your Honor, I was not."

The Magistate turns to the Baptist minister and asks, "Were you gambling?"

The minister mumbles something along the lines of "Forgive me, Lord" and says, "No, Your Honor, I was not."

So the Magistrate askes the Rabbi, "Well, then. Were you gambling?"

To which the Rabbi replies, "With whom?"
37 posted on 09/14/2002 9:17:20 PM PDT by Doctor Stochastic
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
Polar Bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Gin and................................ tonic, please"

The Barkeep says, "Why the big pause?"

The polar bear replies, "I don't know. My Dad had 'em, too."

38 posted on 09/14/2002 9:19:03 PM PDT by KS Flyover
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To: Jeff Chandler
That's Sick...ROFLMAO~
39 posted on 09/14/2002 9:19:44 PM PDT by Bad~Rodeo
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
Why do mice have such small balls?

Because very few of them can dance.
40 posted on 09/14/2002 9:20:03 PM PDT by Jeff Chandler
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To: gcruse
I used to have a helicopter, but I didn't have a place to park it, so, I just tied a rope to it and left the motor running.
41 posted on 09/14/2002 9:20:13 PM PDT by billhilly
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
a man walks into a bar and say ouch.

why did he say ouch?

because he walked into the bar.

42 posted on 09/14/2002 9:20:45 PM PDT by Big Guy and Rusty 99
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To: Jeff Chandler
Oops, too slow.
43 posted on 09/14/2002 9:20:47 PM PDT by Jeff Chandler
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen.

What do you call a Japanese girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Irene.

What do you call a Mexican girl with no legs?
Consuelo.

What does a girl from South Philly put behind her ears to make herself look sexy?
Her heels.

What has four arms, four legs, and eleven teeth?
Two girls from Kensington.

How do you stop a Kennedy from drinking?
Slam the toilet seat on his head.

44 posted on 09/14/2002 9:21:26 PM PDT by Lancey Howard
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To: KS Flyover
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww . . .
45 posted on 09/14/2002 9:21:29 PM PDT by Big Guy and Rusty 99
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
I have a bad limerick.

There once was a lady from the Azores,
Who's body was covered with syphilis sores.
The dogs in the street
Adored the green meat
That hung through the holes in her drawers.
46 posted on 09/14/2002 9:21:49 PM PDT by Hillarys Gate Cult
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
You said you wanted "bad" jokes...



How do gay men fake orgasm?


Spit on each others backs...
47 posted on 09/14/2002 9:21:55 PM PDT by DB
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
I haven't read any other posts on this thread and I think I can safely say that's about as bad as it gets.
48 posted on 09/14/2002 9:22:17 PM PDT by Tribune7
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
OK, it makes a little more sense now. But it's still pretty bad.
49 posted on 09/14/2002 9:23:00 PM PDT by Tribune7
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To: Lancey Howard
what do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, they're not going to come anyway.

What you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell

50 posted on 09/14/2002 9:23:10 PM PDT by Big Guy and Rusty 99
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