Posted on 09/20/2002 8:21:53 AM PDT by Grig
News item: Bail hearing told that members of suspected Buffalo cell of al-Qaeda were frequent visitors to Canadian casinos and one even spent $89,000 at Casino Niagara.
Date: Sept. 19, 2002
To: All Staff (Global List)
From: Ali in Accounting
Guys, this is getting a smidge embarrassing. It's bad enough we're losing the war, now we have an accounting scandal on our hands. This isn't Tyco. This isn't Enron. We're not WorldCom. This is al-Qaeda. I know morale is down since the cutbacks, but a little discipline please.
When we said we wanted you to make a killing in North America, we didn't mean at the keno table. And it's not enough to put a note on your expenses saying you're "exposing the internal contradictions of the capitalist dialectic." That's Marxism, guys. We're fanatics. Whole different ballgame. Apples and oranges.
Going over some of your expense accounts, I'm a little shocked at how far we've let things slip. Mo in Jakarta, I'm talking to you: You can't be invoicing for "72 doe-eyed virgins." That's for after you go to heaven, not before. It's not complicated. It's called afterlife for a reason, Mo.
And no more playing the markets with company money. Yes, I admit that back in the day we did promote Sahim after he shorted Nortel before the crash. But now I see guys putting our hard-stolen cash on money-centre banks -- anyone remember that old rule against charging interest? -- and, it pains me to say this, armsmakers. You have any idea what Lockheed is doing with that money, guys? Two words: Ka-boom.
So it's time to bring in a few rules. And it's time for everyone to reread the manual (you should find it filed under Q; not K, Q.)
No more stocks, no more junk bonds, no more pet-food income trusts, no more shorting. It's "al-Qaeda cell," not "al-Qaeda: Sell! Sell! Sell!"
Keep this up and we'll have the SEC on our tails. Pictures of our main guys taking the Fifth before Congress: How embarrassing would that be? Don't forget, it's the accountants that got Capone.
I mean, these are Arabic numerals we're talking about. Think about it. They're on our side. So show a little respect.
Now, it's true, head office does share part of the blame, we admit it. This all started back when Atta kept expensing us for his monthly Nasty Pills and we kept forking out. Lemme tell ya, we sure don't miss that guy here at HQ. Surly bugger. The whole plot almost fell apart because no one wanted to sit next to him on the plane. "Mohammed, you taking a window seat? Hey, I think I'll take one too. In cargo."
But remember the focusing seminars we had at the Amman Hilton in the third quarter of '99? Anyone remember what the consultant said? Focus! Think scourge. Think holy terror. Don't think, I'm gonna play the slots for eight hours straight and pee my pants in Niagara Falls and hope nobody notices. That's not the image we're trying to project here.
If our leader knew what was going on, he'd be rolling over in his cave.
Sincerely,
Ali
Looks like a typo at the end, it should be grave, not cave.
Laugh out loud bump.
Financial analyst Mike "Mad Dog" Tawkin, editor of the influential "Tawkin Stocks" newsletter, held a news conference at his office in Harvey's Kosher Delicatessen on West 69th.
"Market direction? Ever since al-Qaeda introduced their 'Flying Jihad' product line--man, my Daddy told me what happened to Ford after they rolled out the Edsel, that was a major whoopsie, but al-Qaeda managed to do even worse--I've been bearish on the fundamentalists. I bought in on that British stock, SAS, and on our own Delta and NavySEAL stocks, and made a killing. With the new JDAM contract, business is booming at Boeing/Rockwell.
"In the longer term, I'm looking at a major decline in oil once Uncle Sugar completes his hostile takeover of Iraq and Iran and puts the squeeze on the Saudis. Once that happens, look for a serious bull market--and remember, folks, when you mess with the bull, you get the horns. Now getouttahere, I gotta finish my lunch."
2 Word answer: Legal prostitution.
I thought the main reason was to launder large sums of cash, with the subordinate reasons mentioned above.
Think about it from the perspective of an American leader of Al-Qaeda. You're committed to the cause of bringing down America. $100,000 has been transferred to you. Now you could use that 100 grand to recruit, train, and do something nasty.
But hey, it's Friday night and you're tired. Who's really going to notice if you lose a few hundred bucks at the casino or on prostitutes? You haven't heard from any really high commander in Afghanistan in months, and you figure the higher-ups are dead anyway. Are they really going to be able to check on every penny from halfway around the world? And hey, for $99,700, you can do as successful a terrorist operation as you can for $100,000. Besides, this Friday night fun is a one-time only thing.
Then the next Friday rolls around. No one caught you last time, and last Friday was the most fun you had in a long time. Okay, one more time, but this is it.
You wake up Saturday morning. You spent a little more than you planned last night. You have a message from Afghanistan, but it's brief and formal. They have bigger things to worry about than you, such as the increasing death toll and the bombs that come from nowhere on their caves.
You spend all of Saturday reading the Koran, feeling guilty. You pledge not to raid the money again, but then next Friday rolls around. This time, you'll just go out for one prostitute and one round at the casinos. You swear you'll pay back the money later. Until the end of the evening, when you realize you'll never be able to pay back that much.
By such frailties of human nature do terrorist networks fall apart.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.