The College Theme Paper

e-mail ^ | 9/24/2002 | Unknown

[moneyrunner]

THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca -last name deleted, and Jim - last name deleted.

STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. ------------------------------------------------------

(second paragraph by Jim) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17", he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. ----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed hurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her."Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. ---------------------------------------------------------

(Jim) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" ----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. ----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels." ----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca) Ass hole. ----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim) Bitch. ----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca) Wanker. ----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim) slut. ---------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca) Get f*cked. ----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim) Eat shit. --------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca) F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!! ----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim) Go drink some tea - whore. *********************************************

(Teacher) A+ - I really liked this one

[Billy_bob_bob]

And they all lived happily ever after.

[TheBigB]

Damn, I TOLD Becky this friggin' thing would get out eventually, but NOOOO... the airheaded bimbo wouldn't LISTEN to me...

[patton]

LOL. The teacher comment cost me a keyboard.

[Billthedrill]

Lousy story. We never did find out what happened to the Anu'udrian mother ship...

[SouthernFreebird]

LOL....me and my ex whispered those sweet nothings also.

[Sonny M]

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read on free Republic, god I wish we had more humor on here.

[Constantine XIII]

Bump!

Off hand, I would guess that "Jim" would be great Freeper material ;0)

[moneyrunner]

We could take it from where they left off.

[weikel]

Damnit Jim should be a real science fiction author. That stuff really speaks to me especially about the peaceniks...

[weikel]

And a great science fiction writer. Sounds like a pissed off Heinlein.

[weikel]

Think you would enjoy Jim's writing.

[weikel]

My only fear is that some jerk will go running crying to the mods about the language.

[BlueLancer]

Stand back, weikel ... I'm calling in the clans ...

Hey, guys, you don't want to miss this one ....!

[js1138]

Brings back fond memories of Calvin and Hobbes.

[Texaggie79]

Ping

[Hatteras]

I had six people wander over to my office to find out what was so funny. This is a riot!

[weikel]

Think you might like this too wardaddy and texgal.

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

Oh God this is hilarious! Thanks so much for thinking of me........I think, you wanker..........lol

[Hemingway's Ghost]

Rebecca's not only a typical broad but a typical limp-wristed navel gazing Democrat as well.

[NeoCaveman]

ROTFLMAO......thanks for the ping.

[weikel]

LOL

[weikel]

Don't suppose you could email .8086 assembly code for a virtual oscilloscope meant to compile in TASM before 4 O'Clock could you?

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

Consider it done my friend.........'cause you know a housewife has all that info just right here at her fingertips............lol

[weikel]

Well... it has to be able to load a new file without exiting the program and you have to be able to adjust the display parameters Grrrr what the hell was I thinking when I became an EE major?

[ZinGirl]

CD...you need a chuckle?

too funny....

[weikel]

I should have gone to Babson it was right near my house and majored in business.

[maxwell]

Oh God this is hilarious! Thanks so much for thinking of me........I think, you wanker..........lol

--------------------------

(Max) Then the autoionizing flagmutic transducimater kicked in, and First MasterGeek initialized the Helmholtz resonator. "Dalembershian squared, minus epsilon jay," he said into the voice-activated channeltron. A jolt of electropathetic force hit him as a megawatt xenon arc zapped through his flagellated cortoid. He became the anti-wanker.

[Chancellor Palpatine]

Bumped and kept

[jjm2111]

Very good, BTT

[P7M13]

ROFL

My kind of an assignment. May try that in class....lol

which way to the unemployment line?

t

[SERE_DOC]

During an English class the teacher assigned a comparison contrast paper with the caveat of no dogs vs. cats papers, so I said to myself ooh a challenge! so I did mine titled

“Ode to Fido”
a comparison of dogs vs. cats as an alternate food source.
the Chaplin from 2nd AAV Bn. thought it was well written and proved my point, the teacher thought I was in need of serious psychiatric help,

but I did get a “B” on the paper.

[Billthedrill]

BtD: Laurie arose in a smoking pile of desolation, her city having become reduced to cinders in the blast of the lithium fusion bomb. "Am I the only one left alive?" she wondered as she sifted throught the ruins of her chic, chintz-decorated apartment whose earth-tone carpet had become distastefully littered with the remains of the vanity that used to contain her collection of china figurines. A desolate cry escaped her bruised lips as she cradled a singed, fur-covered lump of feline flesh that emitted a feeble "mew" while stinking like a recently abandoned abattoir. "Oh, Poopsie," she crooned, "there's still time to attend the peace rally. Let me get you some tuna..."

[COB1]

Oh, man!
I'll have to recover to reply!
I'm laughing too damn hard to be coherent!

[general_re]

Brings back fond memories of Calvin and Hobbes.

:^)

[Constitution Day]

Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Oh my God! I love it!

[maxwell]

BtD: Laurie arose in a smoking pile of desolation, her city having become reduced to cinders in the blast of the lithium fusion bomb. "Am I the only one left alive?" she wondered as she sifted throught the ruins of her chic, chintz-decorated apartment whose earth-tone carpet had become distastefully littered with the remains of the vanity that used to contain her collection of china figurines. A desolate cry escaped her bruised lips as she cradled a singed, fur-covered lump of feline flesh that emitted a feeble "mew" while stinking like a recently abandoned abattoir. "Oh, Poopsie," she crooned, "there's still time to attend the peace rally. Let me get you some tuna..."

--------------------------

Max: Suddenly Poopsie EXPLODED IN LAURIE'S ARMS! First MasterGeek guffawed as he clenched the remote chemisorpter vernier. "How I love the smell of puppy blood in the morning," he said as the irictic dilation activated transmogrifier positioned for another integrated focus. "I mean kitten blood." The chick b!tched and moaned but First MasterGeek explained to her that Poopsie had been ectodermally implanted with a nonresonant Hartree-Fock ultrareceiver and that he had actually saved her life, whereupon she flung herself at him and cried "Oh First MasterGeek, I am your love-slave forever!"

[Billthedrill]

BtD: Suddenly First MasterGeek broke down in tears. "Oh, Laurie," he sobbed, "I'm so tired of wandering the galaxy, oppressing native peoples, destroying beautiful autochthonous cultures in the interest of this insane imperial hegemony. Let's settle down in a commune and follow our bliss together."
Laurie picked bits of feline goo from the cashmere sweater she'd chosen that morning to pick out the color of her eye shadow. "Oh Geek," she whispered, "let's give all this up and embrace our inner children. Now that you're a truly committed vegetarian we can enroll you as a Peace Studies major at the community college, or at least where it used to be. There's just this one little operation I want you to have first..."
"Anything for you, my darling," he moaned as she ran her fingers through his tousled hair, "I'll give it all up, the massacres, the planetary destruction, the enslavement of entire populations. All I want is to sit in a circle and drum my love for you..."

[LaBradford22]

Thanks for a good laugh. Hilarious. Already sent it out to my email forward list. That's one of the better pieces of political humor I've seen in quite some time...

[wardaddy]

Thia kind of stuff reminds me of an argument I had several years ago with an arty 35 year old feminist mommy at a dinner party here in Nashville. She is essentially letting her pliable husband and hired help raise her two young children while she flits about the country being an artist. She made the declaration that in the 50s, most American housewives were either alcoholics or addicted to Librium.

You had to be there.

[Argh]

What a hoot!

[Slip18]

Thanks moneyrunner, this is hysterical.

[Teacher317]

bumping a keeper.

[Slip18]

Hiya, Arghie! Would you like some chamomile tea? I have this absolutely gorgeous tea set. You'll adore the fine china with the little lillies of the valley rising up from the bottom of the cup to the top.

Do you take sugar or cream? Or are you one of those lemon persons?

Come here, Arghie, let me wipe the cream off your chin. Now, you're supposed to hold out your pinky finger when you drink this delightful tea.

[maxwell]

WTF??? MasterGeek doesn't friggin' CRY! What kind of treescrewin' dreck IS this!

Suddenly First MasterGeek realized that Laurie had poisoned him with an alphahydroxisymbiotic neurodepresser, and by force of sheer will, he autoreversed the weakening effect. He cast the b!tch aside, feeling his external nanocontrol grid surge with latent power. He knew what he had to do: Subjugate and Destroy. His mission was clear. He got on his Harley Davidson FXSTD Softail Deuce with silver trim, leather seat and badass tank paint job, slung his multi-channel deneuralizer over his shoulder, and disappeared over the horizon in a cloud of dust and ashes.

[Argh]

HEY! I never get "cream on my chin", what do I look like, Sean Hannity? Sheesh! I was allowed in the Boy Scouts, y'know!

I've never tried chamomile tea, actually... And your tea set DOES sound lovely...

[Slip18]

LOL!

IMHO, I think laughter right now is the best medicine.

[Constantine XIII]

He, he, one would hope that we Freepers could take a little political incorrectness. At least I'm only being bigoted toward a minority that doesn't exist yet! :O)

Many pardons for the muffed punctuation; I was mad at the time.

Cheers,

c13

[Constantine XIII]

er, my bad, I made that last reply thinking of another thread!

[Billthedrill]

You miserable chauvinist! Can't you see MasterGeek is getting in touch with his feminine side?

BtD: Laurie watched the lace doilies flapping on the seat of MasterGeek's Intergalactic Harley as her love sped off into history. She sighed, pulling together the torn remnants of her bodice [note to self: check to see if you can wear a cashmere sweater over a bodice] as she recalled the tempestuous evening before and their mad, impulsive love-making under the shattered eaves of the neighborhood co-op. Alas, theirs was a star-crossed love, but she would always remember his beautiful grey eyes reflecting the flames issuing from the weapons dump the people had set afire when they had finally rejected the harshness of war and embraced the benevolent rule of their Anu'udrian masters. Now that he'd had the operation and testosterone would no longer be a problem, he'd return...she just knew he would.