This is the actual first-person account of a U.S. Forest Service employee who was a passenger in a Hiller 12E helicopter when the collective control linkage became disconnected at the rotor hub and the aircraft started an uncontrollable climb. The passenger climbed out of the airborne helo, managed to reconnect the linkage using the awl of a Leatherman Tool, and held the makeshift repair in place until the chopper could land safety. Incredible but true!
Not funny, but pretty amazing.
Actual gripes and responses I saw over the years:
"IFF does not work."
"System normally does not work with switch in O-F-F position."
"Static on radio at altitude."
"Could not duplicate on ground."
"Dead bugs on windshield."
"Live bugs on order from supply."
"Aircraft made unusual noise in (deleted) G turn at 540 KIAS."
"Sound traced to partial failure of main wing spar due to extreme over-G condition. Thank God the engineers at MacAir knew some pilot would be crazy enough to try this."
I swear I had a Navy pilot on a United flight into Charleston West Virginia. The only thing missing was the arresting wires.
Aviation Definitions
180-Degree Turn - A sometimes difficult maneuver to perform; the degree of difficulty is usually determined by the size of the pilot's ego.
A & P Rating - Enables you to fly grocery supplies.
Aero - That portion of the atmosphere that lies over Great Britain.
Aerodrome - British word for airport. Exactly what you'd expect from a country that gives its airplanes names like Gypsy Moth, Slingsby Dart, and Fairey Battle Bomber.
Aileron - A hinged control surface on the wing that scares the hell out of airline passengers when it moves.
Airfoils - Swords used for dueling in flight. Often used to settle disputes between crew members and passengers.
Airplane - The infernal machine invented by two bicycle mechanics from Dayton, Ohio and perfected on the sands of the Outer Banks of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Precursor of the Frisbee.
Airspeed -
1. The speed of an airplane through the air.
2. True airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots. Deduct 25% when listening to an Air Force Pilot. 3. Measured in furlongs-per-fortnight in student aircraft.
Air Traffic Control Center - A drafty, ill-kept, barn-like structure in which people congregate for dubious reasons.
Alternate Airport - The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel to proceed to if necessary.
Bail Out - Dipping the water out of the cabin after a heavy rainstorm.
Barrel Roll - Unloading the beer for a hangar party.
Caging the Gyro - Not too difficult with domestic species.
Carburetor Ice - Phrase used when reporting a forced landing caused by running out of fuel.
Cessna 310 - More than the sum of two Cessna 150's.
Chart -
1. Large piece of paper, useful for protecting cockpit surfaces from
food and beverage stains. 2. An aeronautical map that provides
interesting patterns for the manufacturers of children's curtains.
Chock -
1. Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Mexican pilots.
2. Piece of wood the line boy slips in front of wheel while pilot is not looking.
Cockpit -
1. A confined space in which two chickens fight each other, especially when they can't find the airport in a rainstorm.
2. Area in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he is.
Collision - Unplanned contact between one aircraft and another. As a rule, collisions that result in the creation of several smaller and less airworthy aircraft from the original two are thought to be the most serious.
De-icer - De person dat puts de ice on de wing.
Dive - Pilots' lounge or airport café.
Engine Failure - A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
Exceptional Flying Ability - Has equal number of takeoffs and landings.
Fast - Describes the speed of any high-performance aircraft. Lower-performance and training aircraft are described as "half-fast."
Final Approach -
1. Many a seasoned pilot's last landing.
2. Many a student pilot's first landing.
Flashlight - Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing dead batteries.
Flight Instructor - Individual of dubious reputation, paid vast sums of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubt on the coordination, intelligence, and ancestry of student pilots.
Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.
Glider - Formerly "airplane," prior to running out of fuel.
Gross Weight -
1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S").
2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries.
Hangar - Home for anything that flies, mostly birds.
Heated Air Mass - Usually found near hangar, flight lounge, airport cafe, or attractive, non-flying members of the opposite sex.
Jet-assisted Takeoff - A rapid-takeoff procedure used by a general aviation pilot who suddenly finds himself taking off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747.
Junkers 52 - A collection of elderly airplanes that even the FAA can't make airworthy.
Lazy 8 -
1. Well-known fly-in resort ranch.
2. The airport operator, his four mechanics, and three lineboys.
Log - A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.
Motor - A word used by Englishmen and student pilots when referring to an aircraft engine. (also see "Aerodrome")
Navigation - The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to point B while actually trying to get to point C.
Occupied - An airline term for lavatory.
Oshkosh - A town in Wisconsin that is the site of the annual Experimental Aircraft Association fly-in. It is believed to have been named after the sound that most experimental aircraft engines make.
Pilot - A poor, misguided soul who talks about women when he's flying and flying when he's with a woman.
Pitch - The story you give your wife about needing an airplane to use in your business.
Radar - An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called "blips," from one side of the screen to the other without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest collisions wins.
Roger - The most popular name in radio.
S-turn - Course flown by student pilot from point A to point B.
Short-field Takeoff - A takeoff from any field less than 10,000 feet long.
Split S - What happens to the pants of overweight pilots (also see "Gross Weight").
Trim Tab -
1. A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot.
2. Popular diet beverage for fat pilots (also see "Gross Weight").
Useful Load - Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, without regard to cargo weight.
Wilco - Roger's brother, the nerd.
Wing strut - Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed by student pilots upon getting out of low-winged trainers following first flight performed without instructor yelling at them. Usually results in instructor yelling at them.