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SNL humors me with Donahue sketch last night

Posted on 11/17/2002 7:43:06 AM PST by Realm Weekly

Did anyone catch SNL last night? Not sure if this has been posted or not, but they ran a sketch with Darrell Hammond playing Phil Donahue, with Donahue hosting his show on MSNBC with the topic of "Is Liberalism Dead?" The basic consensus was that it was indeed. He had Michael Moorer (played by another SNL cast member) in which they joked that Moorer is dirty, fat and doesn't ever bathe. Main joke was Donahue's ratings (hilariously done). He brought up a screen that listed the bottom 3 in cable ratings, with Donahue's show getting second, only to Dr. Radling's Eye Surgery show, and before the Black Israelites Talk Hour.

Then Donahue brought on his other guests, Al Sharpton (played by Tracy Morgan who could have done more with the character) who when asked why Donahue is doing so poorly in the ratings, he answered "No one likes you." Next was Barbara Streisand (played by Maya Rudolph, and was shown in a blurred "dream" vision the entire time, lol!)

Then, Donahue broke for a commercial break, which went to a blank screen with "For advertising, please call MSNBC at 1-800-555-5555" LOL

Another break advertised Donahue's "road tour" where he was prancing around with a microphone in an empty studio with a few drifters inside.

Can't remember every detail of the skit, but it was very funny. I'm pleased to see SNL knock on that idiot and his awful show.

TOPICS: Political Humor/Cartoons; Your Opinion/Questions
KEYWORDS: donahue; liberalism; ratings; snl

1 posted on 11/17/2002 7:43:06 AM PST by Realm Weekly
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To: Realm Weekly
Boy, did he has Donahues mannerisms, and inflections down, or what?
2 posted on 11/17/2002 7:44:36 AM PST by Puppage
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To: Realm Weekly
Wish I saw it!
3 posted on 11/17/2002 7:45:18 AM PST by Aquinasfan
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To: Realm Weekly
It was good, I saw it and it was very insulting to that crowd I am sure.
4 posted on 11/17/2002 7:48:25 AM PST by A CA Guy
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To: Realm Weekly
I was ROFL...BTW, Michael Moorer is the boxer that George Foreman beat to become heavyweight champ a few years back...

Michael Moore is the big fat slob they skewered last night...
5 posted on 11/17/2002 7:50:08 AM PST by motzman
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To: Realm Weekly
It is not your imagination, for some reason, SNL has become wickedly funny. Left, right, center, nothing is sacred. I caught a show recently where they absolutely slammed Harry Belafonte, in a sketch imitating the show Tim Russert is on. As of right now, SNL is on my "show worth catching" list.
6 posted on 11/17/2002 7:53:04 AM PST by stylin_geek
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To: Realm Weekly
It's not posted yet but you can find the full transcript of the sketch here in a few days:

7 posted on 11/17/2002 7:53:15 AM PST by cebadams
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To: Realm Weekly
Didn't Leslie Nielson kind of poke fun at Donahue a few years back in one of the Naked Gun movies? I guess Phil's sort of crybaby liberalism doesn't sit too well with many, even with the Hollywood crowd.
8 posted on 11/17/2002 8:01:08 AM PST by Reaganwuzthebest
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To: motzman
>BTW, Michael Moorer is the boxer that George Foreman beat to become heavyweight champ a few years back...

Michael Moore is the big fat slob they skewered last night..<

Oops! My bad... it's early, and I haven't had my coffee yet.
9 posted on 11/17/2002 8:02:01 AM PST by Realm Weekly
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To: stylin_geek
Oops, it was a sketch parody of Chris Matthews and Hardball.

Chris Matthews.....Darrell Hammond John Ashcroft.....Sen. John McCain Rebecca DeWitt.....Rachel Dratch Harry Belefonte.....Tracy Morgan

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to "Hardball", I'm Chris Matthews! One quick program note: next week, the Hardball College Tour continues when we come to you live from Bob Jones University with Special Guest: Coolio! The topic that night's gonna be tax reform! But today, we're talking about homeland security! Al-Quaeda's chatter's is revving up again, people in Maryland have to wear a Kevlar vest every time they go to a gas station, and every town from Buffalo to Portland's sticky with terrorists! The only security the office of homeland security provides is the security of knowing I can't go outside without browning my pants! When I get scared, I shout! And when I shout, I get scared! Are we safer today than we were pre-9/11? Joining us today: Associate Director for the ACLU, Rebecca DeWitt!

Rebecca DeWitt: Hello, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Bor-ing! Also joining us: Attorney General of the United States, John Ashcroft!

John Ashcroft: [ somewhat gruff ] Thanks for having me, Chris.

Chris Matthews: I had to! I was afraid you'd arrest me and put me in a camp! And, finally: he made headlines last week when he called Colin Powell a sell-out, comparing him to a slave serving his master, Harry Belefonte! Harry, welcome!

Harry Belefonte: Welcome? Welcome? What are you, some kind of slave master?

Chris Matthews: Aw, Belefonte! Crazy, right off the bat! I love it! Attorney General, we're gonna start with you! How do we make this country feel safe again?

John Ashcroft: Chris. Security starts with vigilence. As Americans, we will never truly be free. Until each and every one of us is afraid of being throw in a jail. But thanks to the Tips program, we've been able to detain tens of thousands of potential American terrorists for months at a time, for little or no reason. Just like the Founding Fathers dreamed!

Chris Matthews: Rebecca DeWitt, what Ashcroft just said was pretty crazy - can you beat it?!

Rebecca DeWitt: Chris, we're living in a police state. Most of the people detained under Mr. Ashcroft's orders haven't been charged with a crime or given access to legal counsel. The Taliban prisoners at Guantanamo Bay are being denied their basic human rights. They can't practice their religion, they're not allowed access to their weapons, they can't even confer with their terrorist leader! It's appalling!

Chris Matthews: Wow! An impressive display of insanity!

Harry Belefonte, keep this crazy train rolling!

Harry Belefonte: Chris, I'm gonna say something that a lot of people are afraid to say: Osama bin Laden is a Uncle Tom!

Chris Matthews: [ shaking his head with wonder ] Good God! I can't even figure out who that's offensive to! Mr. Ashcroft, what plans does the Justice Department have to make our country safer?

John Ashcroft: We’ve got some real great stuff in the works. There's one plan that would make the Arab language, or anything that sounds like it, illegal. In addition, we've gone back into ten years of old files to traxk down terrorist sleeper agents! Foremost amongst them: Shaquille O'Neal.

Chris Matthews: [ chuckling ] Shaquille O'Neal! Are you serious!

John Ashcroft: Yes! We learned that he was in a Middle Eastern-flavored movie, entitled "Kazaam!" I watched this film last week, and from what I can gather, it is some kind of terrorist training video!

Chris Matthews: How about it, Rebecca DeWitt? Should we be throwing genie-portrayed basketball players in jail?

Rebecca DeWitt: Chris, every society needs police. But who will police the police? My idea: terrorists! Give the terorists guns and badges, and the ability to arrest law enforcement and military personnel. That way, there are checks and balances.

Chris Matthews: Dear Lord. Belefonte! Hit me with a quick one!

Harry Belefonte: The war in Iraq is in a minstrel show!

Chris Matthews: Fantastic! Another!

Harry Belefonte: Winston Churchill was a house Negro!

Chris Matthews: One more time!

Harry Belefonte: Poodles are the black man of the dog world!

Chris Matthews: Whoa-oa! [ laughs uproariously ] I'm never gonna get tired of this! Final thoughts, Mr. Ashcroft! Whom in this country can truly be safe?

John Ashcroft: Every American citizen. Every man, woman and child has a bar code tattooed on their neck, and a chip in their head that responds to this remote control! [ holds up remote control ]

Chris Matthews: Jiminy Christmas! Rebecca DeWitt!

Rebecca DeWitt: Chris, if you bake one cake, it doesn't make you a baker; if you paint one painting, it doesn't make you a painter; but if you blow up one embassy, it automatically makes you a terrorist! [ laughing ] It's hypocritical!

Chris Matthews: That just might be the dumbest thing I ever heard! Harry Belefonte! don't let me down!

Harry Belefonte: Pokemon is a slave trader; Pikachu is a slave master!

Chris Matthews: [ singing ] "Craz-o. Cra-a-az-o. Belafonte is a crazy mofo!" [ laughs ] Join us tomorrow, when Shaquille O'Neal joins us live via satelite from a prison at Guantanamo Bay! I'm Chris Matthews! Dabba da "Hahbah"!

10 posted on 11/17/2002 8:03:09 AM PST by stylin_geek
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To: Realm Weekly
They also talked about how that Moore didn't bathe frequently and made him out to be totally out of the mainstream of America.
11 posted on 11/17/2002 8:09:41 AM PST by GraniteStateConservative
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To: stylin_geek
Well, thanks for the info. I watch almost no television, and I have watched this show about 3 times in the past year. I have found SNL's political humor to be clever but definitely skewed to the left. Perhaps I will give it a second chance.
12 posted on 11/17/2002 8:16:53 AM PST by Bigg Red
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To: Realm Weekly
The Donahue skit was pretty funny. The Crossfire bit is one of the best.

"Let's keep this crazy train rolling!"
13 posted on 11/17/2002 8:25:41 AM PST by Milwaukee_Guy
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To: Realm Weekly
Anyone see the Mad TV Viagra bit last night?

Mad TV can be very funny but they are getting almost uncomfortably randy.

I'm not a prude, but the competition between SNL, Mad TV and cable has really raised the level of adult content on these kind of shows.
14 posted on 11/17/2002 8:29:49 AM PST by Milwaukee_Guy
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To: stylin_geek
Chris Matthews: Welcome back to "Hardball", I'm Chris Matthews. Fighting rages on in the middle East, Yassar Arafat has locked himself in his paic room, Prime Minister Sharon has a boner for bulldozers, and the hottest-selling Spring accessory in the West Bank is a fishing vest that ticks! These people are nuts! They're Looney Tunes! They say the want peace, they keep blowing things up, and bush's solution is to head for Crawford, Texas and play with cows! Should the U.S. intervene, or should they let the whole middle East turn into an episode of "Battlebots"! Joining me today, House Majority Leader Dick Armey!

Dick Armey: Nice to be here, Chris. The thing that strikes me is -

Chris Matthews: Whoa! The hell do you think you're doing! It's not the Dick Armey Fun-Time Chat Hour? It's Hardball, zip it! Also joining us, former Democrat pollster Pat Caddell!

Pat Caddell: [ mumbly ] Hello, Chris. Can I say something right off the bat?

Chris Matthews: I don't know, can you?

Pat Caddell: Okay, may I?

Chris Matthews: No, you may not! Ha! It's an oldie but a goodie, but it's still funny! Finally, an old friend of ours, he moved over to CNN, but we love having him back here! Always great to have him on the show, former Clinton advisor Paul Begalia!

Paul Begalia: Thaks, Chris! It's very nice of you to have me here -

Chris Matthews: Shut your muppet mouth, Begalia! You shut your mouth, or I swear to God, I'll come over there and beat you so hard your dog will be retarded!

Paul Begalia: Now, Chris, do we have to start things off so negatively?

Chris Matthews: I'm sorry, Begalia, it's a force of habit! What's the solution to this mess in the Middle East! We're gonna start with representative Penis Navy!

[ SUPER on Dick Armey: "Penis Navy" ]

Dick Armey: [ stunned ] It's Dick Armey, Chris, you know that.

Chris Matthews: Whatever! Just talk!

Dick Armey: The Palestinians and Israelis have lost their moral center. We need to remind the Arab and Jewish worlds of what's really important - the Bible anf Jesus Christ.

Paul Begalia: Chris, that is ludicrous!

Chris Matthews: Jimmy Neutron, you got a comment!

Paul Begalia: Call me crazy -

Chris Matthews: Okay, you're a bonehead!

Paul Begalia: I said call me crazy..

Chris Matthews: I know, but I think you're a bonehead!

Paul Begalia: Hey. Anyway, I don't think studying the New Testement is gonna solve this problem. It's exactly that kind of cultural misunderstading that has led to all this trouble.

Chris Matthews: It may be true, Begalia, but take a look at this!

[ show doctored photo of Paul Begalia in compromising position with ]

Paul Begalia: Hey, that's not real! Where did you get that?!

Chris Matthews: [ laughing ] That's the Adobe Photoshop! I also have one of Bobo Fett's head on my body, it's awesome! Pat Caddell, news polls say that the U.S. supports Israel's right to protect itself, but we also want them to back out of the West Bank! Do you and your irregular beard have a solution that'll please everyone!

Pat Caddell: Chris, they can't divide up the West Bank, why don't they award joint custody? Israel gets it on weekdays, Palestinians get it on weekends. Of course, Palenstinians will probably let the West Bank stay up late and eat junk food, so that the West Bank will think Palenstine is cooler. That's the way it worked when my parents split up.

Chris Matthews: Why don't you zip it, you bearded freak! Tell that stuff to your shrink, not to the fifty people who watch this show! It's time to take an e-mail question! Cam Vincent of Philadelphia writes: "Dear Chris, please stop shouting. I had the TV on mute, but you're still so loud you woke up my kid." Cry me a river, Cam! I'll stop shouting when I wanna stop shouting! And I don't ever wanna stop shouting! The question remains: Should the U.S. intervene or what! Weiner Air Force!

Dick Armey: [ outraged ] It's Dick Armey! It's Dick Armey! Chris, we have to get tough with the Arab world. We have to institute more prayer in their schools. We have to get them saying the Pledge of Allegiance every morning. And if that doesn't work, we simply take over the West Bank and name it America II. We can use it for storage.

Chris Matthews: What about that, Pat Caddell! Should we conquer the West Bank and turn it into a huge garage!

Pat Caddell: Chris, these recent polls show that the U.S. people support Israel, but want them to back out. And they support U.S. intervention, but oppose U.S. loss of life. So what they want is a terminally indestructable American cyborgs to patrol an Israel that can do whatever it wants, and an independent Palestine without anyone affecting anyone else.

Chris Matthews: [ sighs ] The people have spoken, and they're morons! Time for final thoughts. Vagina Coast Guard!

Dick Armey: Come on! It's Dick Armey! Look! Chris, there's only one thing I know about this whole situation - once America II is up and running, we can start getting people psyched for America III: The korean Adventure!

Chris Matthews: Paul Begalia, you weird little garden gnome! Do you have anything left to say!

Paul Begalia: Chris, I agreed -

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: - to come back -

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: - on this show -

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: - and you've been nothing -

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: - but hostile - Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begalia: - ever since I got here -

Chris Matthews: Yeah, shut up, you're done! If they made a bobble-headed doll out of you, they'd have to make your head smaller! When we come back, I'm gonna call that e-mail guy's kid on the phone and i'm gonna shout at him! You're watching "Hardball"!

15 posted on 11/17/2002 8:34:26 AM PST by Ragin1
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To: Ragin1
Bill O'Reilly: Hello, everybody, I'm Bill O'Reilly, thank you for watching The Factor. Our top story tonight: Was bankrupt energy giant Enron responsible for the power shortage last year that rocked California? My next guest says no, it was the "environmentalists". He's Thomas Woodward, an attorney with the American Enterprise Institute. Mr. Woodward, thanks for coming on The Factor.

Thomas Woodward: My pleasure, Bill.

Bill O'Reilly: Now, uh, Mr. Woodward, in your article, you say that environmentalists simply refuse to acknowledge California's growing need for electricity.

Thomas Woodward: That's right.

Bill O'Reilly: You also say that California has more people than any other state. I say New York State has more people - tell me where I'm wrong!

Thomas Woodward: [ confused ] Um.. well.. Bill.. actually, California is the most populous state.

Bill O'Reilly: I don't know, Counselor. I live in New York, and I walk down the streets every day, and there's people everywhere! You can't move! You know what I mean? Last week, I was in California, went to the beach in Malibu. Nobody! Practically empty. So, for my money, New York's got more people. Probably New Jersey, too.

Thomas Woodward: Well, Bill, your own experience nonwithstanding, each of the last four censuses has clearly shown -

Bill O'Reilly: Sorry, Counselor, not buying it! Not buying it!

Thomas Woodward: Bill, I swear to you, California is our largest state!

Bill O'Reilly: Look, Mr. Woodward, you've got your opinion, I've got mine. We're not gonna settle this tonight.

Thomas Woodward: Actually, we could setlle this tonight! Do you have an almanac?

Bill O'Reilly: Sorry, Counselor, nice try. But I'll give you the last word.

Thomas Woodward: Is there someone else here I could talk to?

Bill O'Reilly: Thanks for coming on The Factor.

Next up on The Factor, our Unresolved Problem segment. Once again, the ongoing saga of San Francisco Giants slugger, Barry Bonds. As you know, Mr. Bonds has repeatedly claimed that, during the 2001 baseball season, he hit 73 home runs. We here at The Factor very much doubt this. We even invited him on the show to argue his case, but he keeps ducking us! Mr. Bonds, by your continued refusal to appear on The Factor and take the heat, you have proven that you're not only a liar, but a coward as well. And even if you had hit 73 home runs, it's still a far cry from the 755 Hank Aaron hit in 1974. And that's tonight's Unresolved Problems.

Now, in our Back of the Book segment: Is human activity really changing Earth's atmosphere? Our next guest thinks so. She's Susan van Etten, Professor of Environmental Sciences at Tulane University. Miss van Etten, thanks for coming on The Factor.

Susan van Etten: Thank you, Bill.

Bill O'Reilly: Now, when you say greenhouse gasses, what are we talking about here.

Susan van Etten: Well, principally, Bill, carbon dioxide or CO2 -

Bill O'Reilly: Hold it, hold it, Professor! CO2?

Susan van Etten: Yes. Bill, you see, as the result of most industrial processes, carbon combines with oxygen.

Bill O'Reilly: Oh, sorry, Professor, not buying it. I know that's a byline, but I'm just not buying it. You've got carbon, you've got oxygen. And my gut tells me, when push comes to shove, oxygen is just not gonna combine with a carbon. I don't care what you do to the carbon!

Susan van Etten: Well.. Bill.. under intense heat, carbon does -

Bill O'Reilly: Sorry, Professor, I just don't buy it! But let's move on. You say in your piece that greenhouse gasses have been found on the top of Mount Everest.

Susan van Etten: That's correct.

Bill O'Reilly: You also say that Mount Everest is the world's tallest mountain peak. I say the world's tallest peak is Space Mountain - tell me where I'm wrong!

Susan van Etten: [ stunned ] Space Mountain?

Bill O'Reilly: Space Mountain! In the Pocano Mountain Range, part of Joshua Tree National Park in Alaska? Where am I wrong?

Susan van Etten: Okay.. um.. first of all, Space Mountain is not a mountain. I beleive it's a roller coaster. Also, the Pocano Mountains are in Pennsylvania, and are not part of any national park, least of all Joshua Tree National Park, which has mountains. And it's in California, not Alaska.

Bill O'Reilly: Hey, have you ever been to Alaska, Professor?

Susan van Etten: Bill, I was just explaining -

Bill O'Reilly: I'm sorry, Professor! I asked you a simple question: Have you ever been to Alaska?

Susan van Etten: [ meekly ] No.

Bill O'Reilly: Well, I appreciate you're coming on The Factor. And I'll give you the last word.

Susan van Etten: Uh..

[ time's up ]

Bill O'Reilly: And now for a look at our Viewer Mail, about a story on overcrowding in kindergarten classrooms.

Janet Miller of Park City, Utah writes: "Bill, normally I'm a fan of 'The Factor's' hard hitting style, but your interview with the five-year old girl about class size was a little too rough. Telling her she was 'out of her mind' was simply uncalled for."

Janet, here at The Factor, we pull no punches, When you come on the show, you gotta know that.

Ed Gekas, Emhurst, Illinois: "Bill, your tough, incisive questions had that five year old girl squirming. The bottom line is, you had the facts. She didn't."

And finally, Paul Jemino of Islip, New York writes: "Bill, even though the girl hurt her case by crying, she was right, and you were wrong. Albany, not New York City, is the capital of New York State."

Well, Paul, I thank you for watching. But I still say New York City is the state capital. We'll just have to agree to disagree.

And finally, our Most Ridiculous Item of the Day: This week, Congress voted $1.2 million of your tax dollars to the University of Iowa to study breast cancer! Come on! Don't study it, guys. Cure it! Ridiculous! [ laughs ] Well, that's all the time we have for The Factor. As always, we thank you for watching. I'm Bill O'Reilly. Good night.
16 posted on 11/17/2002 8:59:05 AM PST by Bogey780
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To: Realm Weekly
What's "Saturday Night Live?"
17 posted on 11/17/2002 9:00:20 AM PST by mhking
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To: Realm Weekly
Sounds priceless! Sorry I missed it. Would have loved to see Donahue prancing and Babs in her perpetual dreamstate!
18 posted on 11/17/2002 9:03:54 AM PST by Lilly
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To: stylin_geek
re: post #10

19 posted on 11/17/2002 9:13:07 AM PST by Lilly
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To: Realm Weekly
Yes, i saw it and was pleasantly surprised at the way they knocked even Michael Moore, that pompass know-nothing.

By the way, that wasn't a "dream sequence" of B.S. That is the filmy cinematography used to shoot aging actresses to obscure their wrinkles.

20 posted on 11/17/2002 10:38:04 AM PST by happygrl
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To: Bogey780
Good one! Here is one more:

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to "Hardball". I'm Chris Matthews. A nuclear submarine slices through a Japanese fishing boat like cream corn trough a goose. Bush orders allied planes to give Baghdad a beat-down. I'm gonna tell you what, no one gives a flying frig! 'Cause when you get right down to it, the Clinton scandal machine keeps running along, next stop, Harlem, and it wouldn't matter if Bush did a line of coke along the Loch Ness monster's ass! We'd all still be talking about what Clinton thought of "The Wedding Planner". Morons, you're all morons! With me today, the current belle of the post-Clinton epoch, Denise Rich.

Denise Rich: Hello, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Also joining us from Washington, former Clinton advisor Paul Begala.

Paul Begala: Thanks for having me...

Chris Matthews: Zip it, Begala! It's not Equal Time, it's Hardball! Miss Rich, we're gonna start with you. Did you and your husband, Marc Rich, pay off the Clintons in exchange for a presidential pardon or what?

Denise Rich: Chris, as I have stated, I invoke my Fifth Amendment rights concerning all questions on this matter.

Chris Matthews: Come on, lady! Fifth Amendment? That's just rich people talk for "I'm guilty". It's not gonna fool anyone here at "Hardball".

Denise Rich: Chris, the only things we have given to the Clintons are love and support, a saxophone, and millions of dollars. Is that a big deal?

Chris Matthews: Paul Begala, what about it? Denise Rich insists she didn't break the rules, but more importantly, shouldn't someone who wears that much makeup be a better liar?

Paul Begala: Absolutely, Chris. There's no story here.

Chris Matthews: Yeah.

Paul Begala: The Bush administration...

Chris Matthews: Yeah.

Paul Begala: simply substituting an...

Chris Matthews: Yeah.

Paul Begala: ..anti-Clinton witch hunt...

Chris Matthews: Yeah.

Paul Begala: ...for their actual agenda.

Chris Matthews: Blah, blah, blah, you're done! You're boring and you look like a fetus! Joining us now from Pennsylvania is Senator Arlen Specter. Senator, you recently suggested impeaching President Clinton; isn't that a little extreme?

Arlen Specter: I didn't say we should impeach Mr. Clinton. The Constitution gives us a number of options: We could impeach him, he could be censored - uh, censured, or according to Article Three, we could also tie his hands behind his back and have Roger Clemens fire a fastball at his face.

Chris Matthews: Paul Begala, what about it, should the U.S. government hire major leaguers to whip baseballs at the ex-president? And please, phrase your answer in the form of a shout.

Paul Begala: President Clinton has done nothing wrong, and I fail to see why...

Chris Matthews: (makes snoring noises) Specter, wake up! Shouldn't Clinton's punishment fit his crime?

Arlen Specter: Uh, again, at this point, I merely want to our investigate legal options. For instancee, under the Articles of Confederation, we may have the authority to take President Clinton to a deserted island and hunt him for sport. If he survives, he's acquitted. If we bag him, we get to cook him in a large pot and eat him. Now. I'm not saying we're going to do this. I'm just saying, Strom Thurmond has an island.

Chris Matthews: Denise Rich, the next question's for you: exactly how much money does it cost to look that cheap?

Denise Rich: Once again, I invoke my Fifth Amendment rights.

Chris Matthews: Paul Begala, you chesire cat-faced cretin, should Clinton be hunted like a dog on Strom Thurmond's island or what?

Paul Begala: Chris, you really don't expect me to answer that.

Chris Matthews: You're a virgin, aren't you, Begala? Come on.

Paul Begala: That's really none of your business.

Arlen Specter: Can I say something here, Chris? Scottish common law says that we have the option to shrink President Clinton to the size of a field mouse and then force him to fight spiders for our amusement. Are we going to do this? Probably. All I'm saying, Strom Thurmond has a shrinking ray.

Chris Matthews: Ho-ho! Now we're playing some freakin' Hardball! I wanna thank my guests. Denise Rich, anything left to say?

Denise Rich: I must invoke my Fifth Amendment...

Chris Matthews: Boo! Senator Specter, good luck eating the President.

Arlen Specter: Or shrinking him, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Okay, right. Paul Begala, once again, I tore you a new one. Let's check the scoreboard: Matthews 17, Begala 2! Stick around, I'm going outside to shout at cars! You're watching "Hardball"!

Thanks to Mike S. for this transcript!

21 posted on 11/17/2002 10:55:40 AM PST by Ragin1
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To: CapandBall
LOL - love the transcripts in this thread
22 posted on 11/17/2002 11:21:13 AM PST by m1911
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To: Ragin1
LMAO! 'Denise Rich-How much does it cost to look that cheap' (She takes the Fifth)
23 posted on 11/17/2002 11:28:03 AM PST by ewing
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To: Realm Weekly
FNC played a clip from SNL's news skit. The anchor woman said, "Tom Daschle criticized President Bush for failing to capture Osama Bin Laden. Some people think that Daschle is just jealous because the democrats came in behind Al Qaeda in the mid-term elections."


24 posted on 11/17/2002 11:48:06 AM PST by alnick
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To: stylin_geek
Thanks for posting that. That is absolutely hilarious.
25 posted on 11/17/2002 11:53:20 AM PST by alnick
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To: alnick
I remember that. I was cracking up.
26 posted on 11/17/2002 2:36:29 PM PST by Bogey780
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To: Bogey780
27 posted on 11/17/2002 3:02:01 PM PST by f.Christian
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To: Puppage
The SNL skit was hilarious, and absolutely skewered the lefties who were parodied. Barbara Streisand, Donahue, Moore, and Sharpton all took big-time hits. There was even some line in there about America rejecting progressives.

SNL is pretty uneven, but their political stuff has always been great. Their reprise of the Bush/Gore debates made fun of both candidates pretty evenly, but were very funny. "Strategery" still cracks me up.

28 posted on 11/17/2002 4:59:45 PM PST by XJarhead
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To: Realm Weekly
A rare moment when SNL didn't take any real pot shots at a conservative. What was great about the skit was this: it was true in that no one cares about Donahue anymore. His show is floudering big time.
29 posted on 11/17/2002 6:30:25 PM PST by Recovering_Democrat
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To: Realm Weekly
Saw it and it was funny...

I particularly enjoyed the scene where Donahue, as is his trademark move, trots up the cascading steps with his mic in anticipation of asking questions of his packed audience. In this case his "audience" was one single loser -- every other seat was empty -- LOL!

30 posted on 11/17/2002 6:40:27 PM PST by F16Fighter
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Comment #31 Removed by Moderator

To: Conservative Dr.Pepper Drinker
yeah i second that, where can they be found or at least any more transcripts???
32 posted on 11/17/2002 11:46:52 PM PST by MatthewViti
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To: XJarhead

LOL, I use it all the time.

33 posted on 11/18/2002 5:11:13 AM PST by Puppage
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To: Realm Weekly
Good stuff. SNL still gets a good skit on every now and then.
34 posted on 11/18/2002 6:00:16 AM PST by oyez
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To: oyez
Anyone remember the Helen Madden skit as the "joyologist?" What about the skit when Linda Tripp called Monica from the New Jersey Turnpike, LMAO!!! Those were the best, and soo many more... =)
35 posted on 11/18/2002 9:32:16 AM PST by MatthewViti
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To: Ragin1
Gail Gleeson: Oh, boy! Hi! Hi, and welcome to "Pretty Living". I'm Gail Gleeson!

Andrea Powers: And I'm Andrea Powers! We've got a fantastic show for you today!

Gail Gleeson: Oh, do we ever! We have fun, beauty and loads of fashion!

Andrea Powers: Speaking of fashion, you look great!

Gail Gleeson: Thank you! And you look great!

Andrea Powers: Thank you!

[ they laugh inanely ]

Gail Gleeson: Oh, boy!

Andrea Powers: Taking a compliment is really hard!

Gail Gleeson: Tell me about it!

Andrea Powers: Ever since I've been married, I can't take a compliment. Not that my husband gives me any.

Gail Gleeson: [ the mood ruined ] Right. [ pause ] What do we have today?

Andrea Powers: Oh, se have such a fun show planned for you today!

Gail Gleeson: Oh, you said it! Dr. Moeny is gonna show us how to organize our tax receipts, and that is gonna be fantastic!

Andrea Powers: But right now, it's time to meet our first guest, who happens to be an absolute delight.

Gail Gleeson: She sure is. In fact, she's a licensed joyologist.

Andrea Powers: That's right. She's one of our favorite guests.

Gail Gleeson: And she has just released her new book, called "Dressing For Joy".

Andrea Powers: Please help us welcome Helen Madden!

Gail Gleeson: Helen Madden!

[ Helen comes running and bouncing onto the set, kissing Gail and Andrea before sitting down ]

Helen Madden: Pretty Lady 1, Pretty Lady 2!

Gail Gleeson: Helen, you are having one heck of a year! How are you enjoying all of your success?

Helen Madden: [ raises her legs high in the air ] Oh, I love it! Iloveit, Iloveit, Iloveit, Iloveit!! I love it! I love it, I love ti, I love it!

Gail Gleeson: You really enjoy what you do!

Helen Madden: I love it!

Gail Gleeson: [ laughing ] Terrific! Terrific!

Helen Madden: I have to tell you - uh, as you know, I'm a joyologist. And it takes a lot of time and energy to stay joy-focused, and to teach others how to stay joy-focused. And I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I happen to be really, really, really, really, really good at it! I'm good at it! I'm really good at it!

Gail Gleeson: Oh, boy!

Andrea Powers: You know, it must feel really great to be good at something. [ fuming ] I wish I was really good at something.

[ the moment passes ]

Gail Gleeson: Now, Helen, how exactly did you move from joyologist to fashion expert?

Helen Madden: Excellent question, to the lady in the blue.

Gail Gleeson: Thank you!

Helen Madden: Uh.. I do a lot of public speaking. And at one recent speaking engagement, this young gal came up to me after my speech, and she said to me, "Helen Madden, I love all the things you had to say." And she put her little hands on her hip, and she said, "But let me ask you this - how in the heck did you put together that cute outfit?"

Gail Gleeson: Ohhhh.. neat.. neat.

Andrea Powers: Helen, in your book you talk about fashion as a reflection of the inner self. Now, what does mean in terms of your wardrobe?

Helen Madden: A little Helen Madden secret - I love belts. [ twists herself around her chair ] I love 'em! I love 'em, I love 'em, I love 'em, I lvoe 'em! I'm a belt lady. I love belts, number one; vests, number two.

Gail Gleeson: Oohhh.. vests. Vests. Okay. Hey, I've got a great question. How does fashion affect your relationships?

Helen Madden: I recently started dating a gentleman who I'm very fond of.. uh.. Helen is a little bit on love! If you will! Okay! This gentlemen loves.. hats. He loves hats. So when I go out with him, I like to wear a classy hat, or a cap, or a little show biz chapeau, if you will

Gail Gleeson: How neat!

Helen Madden: Or a cowboy hat, a big cowboy hat. I like to make my man smile. I love it! I love it, I love it, I love it!

Andrea Powers: So get yourself a hat, ladies.

Gail Gleeson: Apparently, men love hats! [ giggles with delight ]

Andrea Powers: [ sullen ] Helen, I don't like myself very much, so often I go out without a winter coat so people can see my pretty dress.

Gail Gleeson: [ annoyed ] Okay, that's enough. [ changes subject ] Okay, evening wear?

Andrea Powers: Right, right. How do you go from daytime to nighttime? Do you change earrings, or shoes..?

Helen Madden: Well, I have to tell you, I'm not a 9-to-5 kind of lady, as you can probably see for yourself. And what I do is, me and Tres, my man, like to go out African rhythm dancing sometimes at night, get a little crazy. And what I like to do when I do that, is I wear a leopard unitard with a coat dress, or a sweatercoat with a hood and a belt. Okay? Because I like to let my body move the way it was meant to move, you know? I really like to get up and be womanly. I like to shake, to shake, to shake!

Gail Gleeson: Oh, neat!

[ Helen demonstrates her dance moves, as Gail and Andrea join in ]

Gail Gleeson: Stay tuned, we'll be right back with Dr. Money!

[ fade out ]

[ dissolve to the SNL Band, Lenny Pickett leading the band on saxophone ]

[ suddenly, Kenneth Starr enters, taps Lenny's shoulder and cuts the band off ]

Kenneth Starr: I'm Kenneth Starr, I'm the Independent Counsel, and I'm serving you with this subpeona.

Lenny Pickett: [ flustered ] Uh.. can I finish this song first?

Kenneth Starr: No. Guys? [ motions for some federal agents to haul Lenny away ] Everyone, just carry on.

[ fade out ]
36 posted on 11/18/2002 9:33:08 AM PST by MatthewViti
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To: Ragin1
[ SUPER: "Ritz Carlton Hotel, January 13th, 1998, Pentagon City, VA" ]

[ open on Linda Tripp seated at table, as Monica Lewinsky approaches ]

Linda Tripp: Monica! Monica Lewinsky! [ they hug, Linda's fake flower/hidden microphone on her lapel emitting a high pitch ]

Monica Lewinsky: Ow!

Linda Tripp: You look nice.

Monica Lewinsky: Oh, thank you! [ removes jacket ] It's my lucky dress! [ they sit ]

Waiter: What can I get you two lovely ladies to drink?

Monica Lewinsky: [ looking ] I'll have a Bartyle's & James.

Linda Tripp: I'll have a Bloody Mary and two Double A batteries. [ Waiter walks away - Linda cocks her head to speak into her fake flower ] So.. former White House intern Monica Lewinsky! Hmm.. I enjoyed talking to you last night about your numerous sexual trysts with President Bill Clinton.

Monica Lewinsky: Oh, I'm really sorry about that. I really talked your ear off, huh? All those names, and dates, blah blah blah..

Linda Tripp: Well, actually, I was hoping we could talk about all that stuff again - but slowly, and a little bit louder.

Monica Lewinsky: You know, Linda, you have been such an amazing friend to me, and all I do is talk about myself. I want to hear what's going on with you! Do you still want to get liposuction on your jowls?

Linda Tripp: [ covers her flower, emitting a high pitch ] Let's talk about something else. Tell me what Vernon Jordan said to you.

Monica Lewinsky: Oh, my God! Okay, remember I told you that Vernon and I were talking? And he was giving me advice, and stuff?

Linda Tripp: Yes, yes. Go on. What did Vernon Jordan say?

Monica Lewinsky: He thinks you should get liposuction, too.

Linda Tripp: [ covers her flower ] Anything else?

Monica Lewinsky: [ whispering ] He also said.. he doesn't think that I should tell anybody about how Bill and I used to.. [ jumps ] Ow! Did you just kick me?!

[ Vernon Jordan pokes his head up from under the table ]

Linda Tripp: Vernon Jordan!

Vernon Jordan: Hello, Miss Tripp. [ to Monica ] Hello, you unidentified young lady. [ winks ] I was just searching for my contact lenses down here. [ in Monica's ear ] Listen.. ixnay on the ellitio-fay. Or there'll be no job at evlon-Ray. Enjoy your meal! [ stands and walks away ]

Linda Tripp: Damn, those Democrats and their secret languages!

[ Waiter returns with the drinks ]

Waiter: Here's your Bloody Mary.. and here's your Bartyles & James.

Monica Lewinsky: Thanks. I love BJs!

[ Waiter walks away ]

Linda Tripp: Now, Monica, tell me about the sexual liasions you have with Preisdent Clinton at the White House.

Monica Lewinsky: Well.. okay. Last time I saw Bill was, like, right after Thanksgiving. He had this private screening of that movie "Titanic". God, it was wild. That thing was so big and so long. I couldn't believe it took two full hours for it to go down! It really surprised me when it bent in the middle..

[ camera pans right to reveal Bob Dole sitting at a table in the rear. He turns to face the camera. ]

Bob Dole: [ shakes head ] Bob Dole would never let the American presidency sink to this level. You know it, Bob Dole knows it.. the American people should have known it!

[ camera pans back to Monica and Linda ]

Linda Tripp: ..Alright, enough about the movie. Did you have sexual relations with President Clinton?

Monica Lewinsky: We already talked about that, Linda - the night that you told me that you boned that guy from the Promise Keepers in the bathroom fo the Smithsonian! Did he ever call you back?

Linda Tripp: [ covers flower, high pitch ] Enough about me! Did Clinton ask you to lie?

Monica Lewinsky: Well.. I'm not supposed to say.

Linda Tripp: That's it! [ grabs Monica, pulls her up to the flower ] You tell this flower what you did! That you're a dirty, dirty girl, and you had dirty, dirty sex with a dirty, dirty President!

Monica Lewinsky: No-o!

Linda Tripp: Say it! Or I'll knock that dirty smile off your face! Say it!

Monica Lewinsky: Okay, okay! [ turns to the camera ] "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"
37 posted on 11/18/2002 9:35:37 AM PST by MatthewViti
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To: MatthewViti
All you have to do is ask on FR and some one will pull it out.

Speaking of SNL they are about the only show that gets a skit on these days. Nobody could roll the skits like Carol Bernnet and Friends, so few have tried ever since her series ended.

38 posted on 11/18/2002 10:45:57 AM PST by oyez
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