Violence prompts closer look at plight of divorced fathers

The Star-Ledger ^ | November 25, 2002 | DAVID CRARY

[RogerFGay]

One divorced father committed suicide on the steps of San Diego's courthouse, while another set his car afire outside Alaska's child support office. Others, in an all-too-common scenario, killed their ex-wives, their children, then themselves.

Men who snap in such violent ways have few defenders. Yet fathers' rights groups, joined by a few academic experts, see a common denominator in these recent bursts of rage, and ask whether America's family court system could be partly at fault by deepening the despair of many divorced men.

[Hermann the Cherusker]

Maybe the problem is really rampant and far too-easy divorce.

[MissMillie]

Not knowing the details of these cases, it's hard to understand what it is that is leading these men to violence.

Interestingly enough, a very small percentage of women and children who are owed child support actually receive (on a regular basis) all that is owed to them, yet we don't ususually see women acting this violently.

When my child support check arrived last week, it was shy by $363.72. The agency in charge of finding out why I received < 10% of the court order says it will take them 15 to 30 days to contact the absent parent's employer for details. (That's 15 to 30 days to make one phone call!)

I'm sure no one would argue that this gives me license to go shooting anyone.

[EternalVigilance]

I was the very first person to hold each of my children when they were born---and was blessed to form strong, unbreakable bonds with each of them.

The lowest point in my life was when my wife of 20 years walked out on me. I could have lived without her...the marriage was pretty well shot by that time...but losing the daily fellowship of my kids just about did me in...I was devastated.

So, the actions of these men are of course indefensible...but having been in their shoes, I can tell you that for me they are understandable...losing your kids is hell on earth for a parent who loves them with all of his heart.

People always can relate to the fact that the mother-child bond is so strong, and of course it is...but the father-child bond is treated as a second-rate relationship. That's wrong.

[wideawake]

Ssshhh . . . don't scare anybody. Just repeat to yourself "divorce, contraception and abortion are good for society" over and over again.

[Intimidator]

bump

[Freedom2specul8]

I've heard cases in which the child support was just so incredibly high! $300 - $500 a month for each child... That's way too much for some dad's to pay. For those good fathers who try to do this..it would be nice if "Mom" would be nice and actually let the dad pay an amount that won't "Hurt" him. Would it be too much to let the average dad pay $150 a month per child, provide health/life insurance and visit regularly... Maybe help with some of the clothes ..ie summer and school clothes.. (of course the richer, the higher the amount...)

[phasma proeliator]

"the father-child bond is treated as a second-rate relationship. That's wrong. "

I couldn't agree more!

[Chancellor Palpatine]

Roger the Swede is at it again.

My guess is that he is waiting for his rent boy to arrive while he types up this dreck.

[Mariner]

Child support that runs OVER $3000/mo IS the problem.

[thepitts]

it's hard to understand what it is that is leading these men to violence.

It would be, for the custodial parent.

[Cultural Jihad]

I'm sure no one would argue that this gives me license to go shooting anyone.

Bingo. Roger the Swede likes to tout these sorts of stories since people are all victims of society and have no free will or responsibility for their own actions, blah, blah, blah.

[SunnySide]

"...but the father-child bond is treated as a second-rate relationship. That's wrong."

Now men know how women have been treated since the beginning, as second-rate humans. Which is WRONG too!

[thepitts]

The agency in charge of finding out why I received < 10% of the court order says it will take them 15 to 30 days to contact the absent parent's employer for details. (That's 15 to 30 days to make one phone call!)

And you fully expect the government to solve your problems IMMEDIATELY?

[SCalGal]

Roger the Swede likes to tout these sorts of stories since people are all victims of society and have no free will or responsibility for their own actions, blah, blah, blah.

I thought he just hated women.

[HamiltonJay]

Or maybe these guys wound up divorced because they were violent nutballs?

I am not saying they were, and I agree that courts are stacked now a days against men, more often than not.

I cannot imagine the pain it would be to be seperated from my children.

I do know what it was like to be a child of a broken home, and I can tell you this much... while nothing is certain in this world, I make damned sure that my family is number one at all times in my life. Neither me nor my wife has any intention of it becoming any other way.

However if it should ever become some other way, I can guarantee you this much, no matter how much pain I would feel, I would never do something as selfish as killing my own kids just so my wife can't have them! Those are not the acts of a loving caring father, those are the acts of a selfish narcisistic pathetic excuse for a human being. It is no wonder people like that wind up divorced, if they are that selfish there is no way they could ever have been a good decent and caring father and husband.

[calenel]

There is no excuse for the violence or carnage, and the likely fact that the father had cracked means that they were just another of the victims.

That being said, I can understand the rage at the injustices frequently imposed on the fathers. I'm sure that the blame for failed marriages can be pretty evenly distributed between the spouses and that it is very seldom just one spouse's fault, and this post is NOT about whose fault it is.

When there are children involved in a divorce, the resulting arrangements are almost always the same. What happens in virtually every case and in every state is the assumption of culpability of the father. He is male, therefore he is wrong. The children are awarded like a prize to the mother, and the father is obligated to pay her a salary. Now, the mother may very well be the most suitable parent for those children, but even if she is not she is almost certain to be awarded custody. Furthermore, the father certainly has an obligation to support his children, but very often he is financially crippled by excessive mandatory statuatory burdens on his income, far beyond what it would actually cost to support the children in question.

I know of cases where people have had to pay child support for children that weren't even theirs simply because they happened to be married to the woman who bore them while a divorce was being litigated (the infidelity being the cause of the divorce).

I know of cases where the mother received custody of the kids in spite of being certifiably insane.

I know of cases where the mother has disappeared with the children and, because of the peculiar arrangements in the state in question, the father was not able to get any information from the state in order to track his children down, even though he still had to make (indirect) child support payments.

I know of cases where the children have been abused and neglected over and over by the mother or her flavor-of-the-week consort and the court will do nothing in defense of the children.

Certainly, many of the fathers are not good guys. But that becomes irrelevant since they are virtually never awarded custody. I know of cases where the father abandons a perfectly good job to reduce his own income to hurt the mother (and incidentally the children but that isn't his goal, just a side effect).

So, there are bad-guys on both sides, but the anti-male lobby has insured that fathers suffer the majority of it.

[HamiltonJay]

Now men know how women have been treated since the beginning, as second-rate humans.

There is so much inately wrong with this statement that I am not even going to begin to pick it apart... product of feminist brainwashing over historical accuracy.

[Saundra Duffy]

Oh, my God! My son could write a chapter in this book. You would not believe the crap he has had to endure. At one point, he was paying $1,400 A MONTH to court-appointed COUNSELORS. Counselors!!! He has been victimized and I'm not kidding. My heart goes out to these fathers. The court system is corrupt, inept and evil. God help us all.

[Ches]

"it would be nice if "Mom" would be nice and actually let the dad pay an amount that won't "Hurt" him."

That would be nice but the courts seem to think that the amount of support paid is their decision; Mom and Dad's wishes have nothing to do with it. As long as we have a system that rewards "Mom" for walking out the door and taking her kids with her, "Dad" is going to be hurt.