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50 Reasons Lord of the Rings Sucks
Pointless Waste of Time ^

Posted on 12/22/2002 9:05:26 PM PST by A.J.Armitage

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To: A.J.Armitage
Hmmmm....guess I'm glad I didn't read the books first. I LOVED IT--will go see it again, too!
101 posted on 12/23/2002 6:08:51 AM PST by RooRoobird14
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To: A.J.Armitage
Go-Go Gadget Arrow Sprouter.

Legolas shoots arrow after arrow at his enemies, and yet the number of arrows in his quiver never decreases. I guess elves have glands on their back that secrete arrows.

Congratulations! I was drinking tea and I aspirated while laughing!

Great satire! You missed the fact that Gandalf caught his sword on the way down. Of course, as any physicist knows, a sword has a higher terminal velocity than a human, or Maia--he should have never caught it.

But that was a nice fix for the problem that Gandalf never dropped it in the book. I wondered in TFOTR how PJ was going to fix that, since I knew Gandalf used the sword (Glamdring, the Foe Hammer--as any Hobbit reader knows) to defeat the Balrog.

I was also disturbed the Balrog did not fly, either in the book or in the movie. The only explanation was that there was not enough room for its wings to unfurl. That also explains why the two did not squish at the bottom.

For those who didn't read the book, Gandalf and the Balrog fought from the subterranean lake to the tallest peak by climbing the Endless Stair. PJ alluded to that by having the faint sounds of their battle on the sound track while the camera panned up the mountain. Naturally, no one noticed that, on this thread.

102 posted on 12/23/2002 6:11:45 AM PST by Forgiven_Sinner
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To: A.J.Armitage
# 19. Good question.

# 38. Very good question.

:^)

103 posted on 12/23/2002 6:13:28 AM PST by Argh
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To: A.J.Armitage
Some of these replies are funnier than the "review"! Thanks for the laugh.
104 posted on 12/23/2002 6:14:20 AM PST by shezza
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To: motzman
Basically, wood elves are usually blond while the Rivendell elves were darker haired.

Pretty much, yep. It's why I'm not blonde again yet.
105 posted on 12/23/2002 6:15:01 AM PST by Xenalyte
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To: A.J.Armitage
Finally someone posted an anti-LOTR rant that makes sense.

Not like all those nit-picky rants focusing on trivium from people who feel they have to attack what other people love.

Thanks, and Shalom.

106 posted on 12/23/2002 6:25:05 AM PST by ArGee
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To: Vic3O3; cavtrooper21
Great Satire. Read through the whole post, it only gets better!

Semper Fi
107 posted on 12/23/2002 6:26:10 AM PST by dd5339
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To: Hugin
Aw, those lovable characters...Dildo, Spam, Moxie and Pepsi. Legolam and Gimlet, and Arrowshirt son of Arrowroot. Who could forget?

Ahhh Bored of the Rings - a true Classic

I sit in the corner and pick my nose
And think of dirty things
Like Deviant Dwarves that suck there toes
And Elves that drub their dings
-- Ancient Hobbitt ditty sung by Dildo Bugger to his nephew Frito Lay

108 posted on 12/23/2002 6:27:06 AM PST by commish
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To: ksen
Ping!
109 posted on 12/23/2002 6:31:14 AM PST by malakhi
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To: paulklenk
I thought it was a very humurous, tongue-in-cheek article. Others here thought the same.

Of course, lacking your superior intellect (and overt superiority in general), we are often amused by the sublime. What fools we must be!

110 posted on 12/23/2002 6:41:33 AM PST by Ignatz
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To: Cagey
LOL....
111 posted on 12/23/2002 6:42:16 AM PST by Sungirl
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To: A.J.Armitage
They were two different people, Aragorn and Boromir. This writer is a complete nimrod.
112 posted on 12/23/2002 6:45:05 AM PST by Junior
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To: A.J.Armitage
#38 Liv Tyler's immortal elf volunteers to give up her eternal life for a single romance with a human man. Could any man really be that well endowed? I find it unlikely.

#25 The Elves, clearly the most advanced and wise species, are also clearly gay.

I guess this guy should proof read his own list. Liv Tylers character is clearly one frustrated woman.

113 posted on 12/23/2002 6:51:40 AM PST by BobinIL
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To: A.J.Armitage
Millions of copies of the LOTR DVD have thick black bars at the bottom and top of the screen throughout the film. Didn't anyone catch this? You know what happens at the end, in the extreme foreground and extreme upper sky? Neither do I. Bush league, guys.

Umm... Pardon me for pointing this out, but that's a thing called "letterbox format." Serious cinephiles know what it is, and why it exists.

114 posted on 12/23/2002 7:04:04 AM PST by Oberon
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To: Ciexyz
Why then is Liv Tyler dark-haired?

Because she's the illegitimate result of her elvish mother's years spent as an Aerosmith groupie?

115 posted on 12/23/2002 7:07:58 AM PST by Oberon
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To: A.J.Armitage
Give me one reason that story couldn't have been told without all the fighting.

Anyone who could complain about the novelization of the movie and this is obviously doing his arguing for reasons other than what he's stated. This reminds me of some reviewer saying that the "gentle medievalist" Tolkien would probably have been shocked at the level of violence in the Helm's Deep battle scene. Another person who hasn't read the book. There was actually very little graphic violence in the Helm's Deep battle scene. There was a lot of motion and implied violence, but when the occasional head was struck off, there was no slow-motion spouting of arterial gore. I thought the depiction of mayhem was very restrained and never became gratuitous.

If you should complain about anything, it should be that the palantir were too tiny or that Gollum's outfit was absurd. Either he wore nothing or he wore scavanged clothing for protection against the weather. No one would believe that a creature whose only goals were possessing his Precious and killing those who had taken it from him would have any sense of genital modesty. An outfit of tattered rags would have been more believable than a skimpy, yet undestructable, loin cloth. But then it may have been much more difficult to convincingly digitally animate many folds and tatters of clothing than a smooth surface. And though Smeagol's movement was pretty good, it looked as though he and the Hobbits were interacting with the gravity of two different planets.

As far as racism is concerned. Ha ha ha ha ha. Since the orcs are not human their darkness has nothing to do with race. I suppose you could say that Darkness was associated with Evil and Light with Good, but, if anything, that's a pretty universal archetype (though in China white is a symbol of death). At the same time throughout the world's folklore there have been descriptions of the seemingly beautiful which is evil and of the apparently ugly which is good (such as the description of the Messiah in Isaiah).
116 posted on 12/23/2002 7:08:30 AM PST by aruanan
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To: A.J.Armitage
Though the 50 reasons is a pretty good satire on debunkers.
117 posted on 12/23/2002 7:09:56 AM PST by aruanan
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To: A.J.Armitage
Millions of copies of the LOTR DVD have thick black bars at the bottom and top of the screen throughout the film.

Ha ha ha. Good one. I wonder for those reading the thread what the average number of seconds was before they realized the satiric nature of the 50 reasons. Thanks.
118 posted on 12/23/2002 7:13:00 AM PST by aruanan
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To: Wrigley; drstevej
Just wait till the Hobbit's Hole crowd sees this.

You rang? ;^)

119 posted on 12/23/2002 7:26:21 AM PST by ksen
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To: angelo
Thanks for the ping angelo. This is very funny. ;^)
120 posted on 12/23/2002 7:29:04 AM PST by ksen
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To: Jael
Not to mention all that pipe-smoking turned me into a hopeless addict- until I discovered (a) the high price of a good pipe and (b) Longbottom leaf is terribly hard to come about. I'm still suing Peter Jackson, the Tolkien Estate, and the Shire Council of Commerce for emotional damage.
121 posted on 12/23/2002 7:30:39 AM PST by Cleburne
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To: A.J.Armitage
If you watch closely during the Inn scene, Frodo and his crew are shown getting stabbed by the Ring Wraiths. Then, five seconds later, they are fine again. Note to the director: try proofreading your movie before you release it to the public.

If you have an IQ over 5 you could figure out that the good guys switched rooms to hide from the bad guys.

This is a funny rant.

122 posted on 12/23/2002 7:39:12 AM PST by finnman69
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To: A.J.Armitage
I "got it" on the 3rd one & laughed all the way through.
123 posted on 12/23/2002 7:48:27 AM PST by nina0113
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To: Robert A. Cook, PE
Two subtle for sum hear too muse.

.... and there in is the pity of it!

124 posted on 12/23/2002 8:04:47 AM PST by HoustonCurmudgeon
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To: Jael
I speak as a devoted fan of LOR. I do not dismiss your analysis as improper. A few comments in defense of LOR
1. If the same scrutiny was applied to Alice in Wonderland and other children's novels, they would be anathemized.
2. I've always looked to Tolkien and Lewis for imagination not theology. God's Word never changes.
3. I can find dozens of areas where LOR reinforces my christian belief. It prepares a pagan mind to accept the only real truth. The Bible.
4. Didn't the apostle Paul begain and address to the Romans using the Unknown God as a starting place.
5. anything done to excess can have deleterious results to the soul.
I would like to contine this dialogue. .later
125 posted on 12/23/2002 8:05:47 AM PST by 2nd Amendment
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To: commish
Hi Tim Benzadrine!
Hash Boo Valvoline!
126 posted on 12/23/2002 8:05:48 AM PST by Forgiven_Sinner
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To: Ciexyz
Why then is Liv Tyler dark-haired?

She's just too pretty to be blond.

127 posted on 12/23/2002 8:07:34 AM PST by HoustonCurmudgeon
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To: A.J.Armitage
"...have thick black bars at the bottom and top of the screen throughout the film. Didn't anyone catch this..."

What a moron...

128 posted on 12/23/2002 8:12:36 AM PST by Coto
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To: Wrigley
Just wait till the Hobbit's Hole crowd sees this.

The Hobbit Hole crowd "gets it"! HA!

129 posted on 12/23/2002 8:13:36 AM PST by HairOfTheDog
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To: Forgiven_Sinner
You missed the fact that Gandalf caught his sword on the way down. Of course, as any physicist knows, a sword has a higher terminal velocity than a human, or Maia--he should have never caught it.

Terminal velocity is different for wizards plunging to their deaths.

Besides, how did Saruman make Gandalf's staff fall up into his hand in FOTR? Or make Gandalf fall up to the ceiling of Orthanc and land on the roof in the same movie? But then, why couldn't he make Gandalf fall back up to the roof from his eagle-mount during his escape?

Clearly, Middle-Earthian physics are different. Probably magic.




130 posted on 12/23/2002 8:17:49 AM PST by Sabertooth
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To: Sabertooth
Focusing on the believability of catching up the the sword, when we are talking about a fight between a Wizard and a Balrog made of smoke and fire, means the rest of the effects must have been rather believable!
131 posted on 12/23/2002 8:51:47 AM PST by HairOfTheDog
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To: A.J.Armitage
None of my reading on evolutionary biology reveals a single reason why a particular race of humans would develop unflammable facial hair

Gandalf isn't human.

132 posted on 12/23/2002 9:27:18 AM PST by My2Cents
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To: A.J.Armitage
the movie we were forced to watch

Funny...Where we live, attendance at the movie showing was voluntary.

133 posted on 12/23/2002 9:29:37 AM PST by My2Cents
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To: A.J.Armitage
Percentage of protagonists in Fellowship who are white: 100. Meanwhile the black antagonists and their black crow spies and their black glass seeing ball inhabit their black towers and perform black magic. Gosh, I wonder if there's some symbolism there?

Sheesh!

134 posted on 12/23/2002 9:30:01 AM PST by Liberal Classic
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To: A.J.Armitage
The incident with the flock of evil magical spying crows serving the All-Seeing Eye...

The crows were spies of Saruman, not Sauron.

From some of the points, the list is meant as humor...but it's not very funny.

135 posted on 12/23/2002 9:34:13 AM PST by My2Cents
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To: A.J.Armitage
Lighten up! It's a fantasy, which pretty much gives the producers license to do anything they want including a Pepsi commercial. Thanks for ruining it for everyone.
136 posted on 12/23/2002 9:37:52 AM PST by Rockitz
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To: MarkL
It seemed that every other european country had it's own mythos, but with the Norman conquest of England, "their own" mythology was lost, with the exception of Beowulf.

LOTR has always seemed to me very similar to the old German epic, Nibelungenlied ("Song of the Nibelungs") which was also the basis for the series of operas by Wagner.

137 posted on 12/23/2002 9:40:27 AM PST by Alouette
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To: A.J.Armitage
ROFL....Funny.

Almost as funny are the ones who took it seriously, nitpicked at it, and then when they figured out they'd been had - they say 'oh...it wasn't that funny - that's why I missed it'. BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

'Also, rings do not turn you invisible.'

138 posted on 12/23/2002 9:44:37 AM PST by RabidBartender
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To: Cleburne
Actually, I feel so strongly about not being involved in the occult, that I would never read the books. :-)
So you lost me with the pipe stuff.;-)
139 posted on 12/23/2002 9:47:09 AM PST by Jael
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To: 2nd Amendment
Hi! Thanks for writing! I appreciate the time you took!

You said "1. If the same scrutiny was applied to Alice in Wonderland and other children's novels, they would be anathemized."

Can we start there?

Personally, I think many childrens books are really no good. We may view them as harmless fun, but are they? Don't they prepare you for that next bigger step?

My parents always read to me. But we read a lot of biography. We did read Peter Pan, but that is about the only "fairy fiction" I remember.

I do remember "Goodbye Mr. Chips" and "Little Women" very fondly, among others.

But those books dealt with real people facing things that could really happen, in that they did not take place in some kind of fantasy world with occult images.

My parents predisposed me to read great books, not just fairy tale fiction. So when I was older, I was not looking for books that flirted with the occult. It was a great thing!!!

I also never got involved in watching Soap Operas, or lots of other type fiction melodramas. I think my life has been the better for it, all things considered. :-)
140 posted on 12/23/2002 9:54:24 AM PST by Jael
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To: HairOfTheDog
Hey! Bad form! I wasn't hanging out with them at all!!! I posted on a religion forum that they invaded!!!!

I don't post there any longer, it's just way to wicked. Not only are they witches and such like, they are WAY liberal.

You know I never said anything positive about witchcraft, in fact, the opposite.
141 posted on 12/23/2002 9:57:32 AM PST by Jael
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To: rwfromkansas
Actually, Scripture of the New Covenant does not teach executing witches. It teaches that they should be born again, just like everyone, and repent. If they don't, just like everyone else who doesn't, God will be forced to send them to Hell, because that is his promise, and He can not lie.

That having been said, as a Christian, I know that God tells me to have no fellowship with any works of darkness. So I will not.

Ephesians 5:11  And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.

He says to reprove them.

I certainly would not look for entertainment in anything that glorifies witchcraft.

God also tells us that when witches were converted, and other workers of darkness, they burned the items of the occult.

Acts 19:17  And this was known to all the Jews and Greeks also dwelling at Ephesus; and fear fell on them all, and the name of the Lord Jesus was magnified.

18  And many that believed came, and confessed, and shewed their deeds.

19  Many of them also which used curious arts brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver.

20  So mightily grew the word of God and prevailed.

142 posted on 12/23/2002 10:05:06 AM PST by Jael
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To: Robert A. Cook, PE
On Elrond's side, he decides to marry this elf called, well I don't remember


Celebrian.
143 posted on 12/23/2002 10:12:13 AM PST by motzman
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To: Jael
You may not have said anything positive, but you have studied them, and they certainly hold your fascination more than they fascinate me. And I have read Lord of the Rings... So much for your window to the occult.

I think our ability to imagine things wonderful and beautiful is one of God's greatest gifts.

If you would let your imagination develop above a child's level, you would see that for all the fantasy outer shell in Lord of the Rings, the story is, at its heart, about very human nature, human struggles, and human bravery, even when there is little hope of success.

You have not read Lord of the Rings, so don't condemn it as occult. It is silly to throw around accusations like that in the company of people who know better, and harmful to do it around those who don't.

Was Peter Pan, at its heart, about magic? - Or was it a human story about motherless little boys, and their desire to be loved?
144 posted on 12/23/2002 10:12:42 AM PST by HairOfTheDog
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To: HairOfTheDog
You are wrong. I have never been fascinated with anything wicked like witchcraft. Whether they were on a forum I was already posting on when they showed up, or in a LOTR books. Neither holds any fascination for me.

The Bible is my standard.

Ephesians 5:11  And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.

I reproved them. They hated me for it. But that is ok. God said they would.

Matthew 5:11  Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.

About Peter Pan. It's a book written by a pedophile. Of course when I was 5 and my mother read it out loud to me at night, one chapter at a time, I liked the story, although parts of it were disconcerting.

But I don't like it now. I know what kind of evil mind thought that up, a boy that never grows up. And I know why Barrie thought that up. It is disgusting to me now. Same with ALice in Wonderland, although I was never allowed to read that and never wanted to.

Say, I don't have an argument with you personally. But please do not slander me on this board and imply that I have something to do with witches. That makes me want to vomit.
145 posted on 12/23/2002 10:24:33 AM PST by Jael
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To: Jael
Again, you must find something ugly in everything, and I am sorry about that. I am off the hook where LoTR is concerned. it is not a "work of darkness" but a work of great hope. You will never know, perhaps, and that is a shame for you.

Good Day Jael.
146 posted on 12/23/2002 10:30:32 AM PST by HairOfTheDog
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To: HairOfTheDog
I do find pedophiles to be very ugly. I find the fact that the star of the Lord of the Rings tears out pages in a Bible (that address his sodomy) to be very ugly.

Sin is a very ugly thing.

James 1:15  Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.

16  Do not err, my beloved brethren.

17  Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.

18  Of his own will begat he us with the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.
147 posted on 12/23/2002 10:38:16 AM PST by Jael
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To: Jael
Of course pedophiles are ugly. But I have never heard that accusation about the author before, and I would rather not hear it again.

The one actor you speak of was but one of thousands who made this film, and he didn't write the story. Nor did he write the film. He acted.

Your message is not one of the Joy and Glory of God, but rather of a rather weak and suspicious heart. I am sorry. I don't share that with you. I see glory everywhere where you see only demons.

Good day. I need a shower.
148 posted on 12/23/2002 10:57:06 AM PST by HairOfTheDog
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To: HairOfTheDog
I just want to be clear for all concerned... Jael has made an allegation that the author of Peter Pan was a pedophile, not Tolkien, or anyone related to Lord of the Rings. Ick. Enough of this thread.
149 posted on 12/23/2002 11:05:36 AM PST by HairOfTheDog
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To: HairOfTheDog
You don't have to be negative. You don't have to slam people personally because they disagree with YOUR opinion. You don't have to lie about them like you did me. If that is the kind of person that LOTR produces, praise God I never involved myself in it.



The word of God is my final authority. I make no apologies for that. :-)
150 posted on 12/23/2002 12:51:39 PM PST by Jael
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