Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

50 Reasons Lord of the Rings Sucks
Pointless Waste of Time ^

Posted on 12/22/2002 9:05:26 PM PST by A.J.Armitage

click here to read article


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-5051-100101-150151-200201-238 next last
To: paulklenk
Your reply was as funny as the original post!
51 posted on 12/22/2002 10:32:23 PM PST by motzman
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 50 | View Replies]

To: A.J.Armitage
That was great, thank you! I especially liked #36; I had noticed that previously myself.

Did you ever happen to come across Harvard Press' "Bored of the Rings?" It's a funny parody, probably not available now, but if you can get your hands on it, you'll probably enjoy it.
52 posted on 12/22/2002 10:33:36 PM PST by exDemMom
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: A.J.Armitage
The more I read your article, the more I think it's one of the least intelligent things I've read on FR [or anywhere else] in a long time. It's too stupid to be taken seriously as film criticism, but not clever enough to be taken as parody, and too lame in its observations to even merit reading it. What's the point?
53 posted on 12/22/2002 10:35:37 PM PST by paulklenk
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: sheltonmac
Damn.

It took twenty posts for someone to come up with the critical operative word.

IT'S SATIRE, PEOPLE!

54 posted on 12/22/2002 10:35:52 PM PST by Tennessee_Bob
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 21 | View Replies]

To: sheltonmac
You know, I purchased the widescreen version of the movie, and the image on my TV is still only 25 inches wide, the same as the full screen version. Was I ripped off?

My only DVD player is a drive on my computer. I have a 14 inch monitor. You want to know what watching widescreen movies is like at my house, when the danged movie picture is only 5 inches tall and 10 wide?

NO, you weren't ripped off.

55 posted on 12/22/2002 10:38:07 PM PST by exDemMom
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 23 | View Replies]

To: motzman
Many thanks to you and your brothers at the Nerdery. May your hit points always regenerate and your spells not reflect.
56 posted on 12/22/2002 10:38:33 PM PST by SandfleaCSC
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 51 | View Replies]

To: exDemMom
Harvard Press' "Bored of the Rings?"

Been looking for a copy; read it many years ago. some notable highlights:

Bromosel's (Boromir's) battle cry is "Esso Extra!"

The Balrog is The Ballhog. Rather then drums signaling his approach, the sound of "Thump...Thump...Thump...Swish" can be heard.

Tom Bombadil is Tim Benzedrine, drug-addict.

and so many more...if you can find a source, please ping me...I've been checking used bookstores with no luck.
57 posted on 12/22/2002 10:39:09 PM PST by motzman
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 52 | View Replies]

To: Tennessee_Bob
It's not clever enough for satire. So, if it's satire, it's lame satire, and therefore still a disappointment.
58 posted on 12/22/2002 10:39:45 PM PST by paulklenk
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 54 | View Replies]

To: SandfleaCSC
We never sleep, eat lembas, and use kingsfoil when injured.

And, naturally, have no girlfriends....
59 posted on 12/22/2002 10:40:51 PM PST by motzman
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 56 | View Replies]

To: SandfleaCSC
Elrond and Arwen weren't pure elves in the first place. I think, I could be wrong though.

No, you're right. Elrond's epithet in the books is "Half-Elven." His daughter is three-quarters elf.

-ccm

60 posted on 12/22/2002 10:43:03 PM PST by ccmay
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 41 | View Replies]

To: motzman
I do my best.
61 posted on 12/22/2002 10:50:15 PM PST by paulklenk
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 51 | View Replies]

To: jerod
These so called reasons, are obviously the rantings of person who would make Gollum look sane.

Nothing ripped off from Jar-Jar could look sane.

62 posted on 12/22/2002 10:52:13 PM PST by A.J.Armitage
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: Sabertooth
The "fire-beast thing" is a balrog, which is a fallen Maia, having followed Melkor, the rebel Valar into Evil.

Melkor was a Vala (and not for long), not Valar, 'cuz there was only one Melkor.

Gandalf is one of the Istari, the five Maia selected by the Valar to sail from the Uttermost West to Middle-Earth to fight the scourge of Sauron, the second Dark Lord.

The number of the Istari was never settled on, or if it was, only lately. We can say with confidence that there were five chief Istari sent to the North-west of Middle-earth; as for lesser Istari, or chiefs in other regions, we don't really know. Tolkien did speculate that the Blue Wizards established their own magic traditions (Hereni Istarion?) in the East, which would allow us to have a great deal of lesser Istari, if we wanted them. The Istari were instructed not to fight Sauron, but rather to encourage the people of Endor to fight him. Oh, and it's not "five Maia," it's "five Maiar," cuz, well, there's five of 'em.

Gandalf is a Servant of the Secret Fire, and is not human, but immortal.

No, Gandalf was quite mortal. He died of physical injuries and his fea passed out of the world, just like any other adan. He was a durable chap, probably moreso than any Elf, but when it came down to it he received the Gift of Men.

63 posted on 12/22/2002 10:54:13 PM PST by Caesar Soze
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 16 | View Replies]

To: sheltonmac
You know, I purchased the widescreen version of the movie, and the image on my TV is still only 25 inches wide, the same as the full screen version. Was I ripped off?

Yes.

I recommend a lawsuit.

64 posted on 12/22/2002 10:54:33 PM PST by A.J.Armitage
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 23 | View Replies]

To: RaceBannon
Did you write this?

No, but I agree with it.

Willow was the greatest epic ever. Right up there with the Illiad. The bones say it was ripped off!

65 posted on 12/22/2002 10:57:24 PM PST by A.J.Armitage
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 34 | View Replies]

To: motzman
It was recently reprinted; have you checked Amazon? Be sure to read Dr. Rich Drushel's Grey Havens and Appendix A parodies when you're done. I haven't read the original BotR, but "Mortgage the Enema and his fell bank Thangorodrim" had me rolling.
66 posted on 12/22/2002 10:59:17 PM PST by Caesar Soze
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 57 | View Replies]

To: Jael
[This won't be popular.]

Its not as good a satire as the original post. Work on it a little bit. A little more over the top and it could be funny.
67 posted on 12/22/2002 11:01:20 PM PST by Arkinsaw
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 15 | View Replies]

To: Caesar Soze
No, Gandalf was quite mortal. He died of physical injuries and his fea passed out of the world, just like any other adan. He was a durable chap, probably moreso than any Elf, but when it came down to it he received the Gift of Men.

Disagree. Gandalf was Maia, and was therefore immortal. Being immortal didn't preclude him from being killed however, as was also true of the elves.




68 posted on 12/22/2002 11:02:00 PM PST by Sabertooth
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 63 | View Replies]

To: motzman
I've been checking used bookstores with no luck.

Aw, those lovable characters...Dildo, Spam, Moxie and Pepsi. Legolam and Gimlet, and Arrowshirt son of Arrowroot. Who could forget?

Available from Amazon.com.

69 posted on 12/22/2002 11:04:24 PM PST by Hugin
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 57 | View Replies]

Comment #70 Removed by Moderator

To: A.J.Armitage
The author needs to get a life. But he/she must be too hip to enjoy a conventional film. Maybe if it was on 8mm with a scratchy soundtrack, then the author could've dug it without being accused of selling out by his black-clothed, birkenstock-wearing friends.
71 posted on 12/22/2002 11:09:32 PM PST by StockAyatollah
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Sabertooth
All fear in Arda were indestructible. Im/mortality is determined by what happens to that fea when it is unhoused. The Valar (and presumably the Maiar) were bound to Arda as a condition of their entrance; thus they are immortal. Elven fear are also bound to Arda. Both Ainur and Elves are capable of constructing or receiving from the powers of Arda new physical forms.

The fear of men, however, leave the world upon the death of their bodies. They cannot be rehoused within Arda without special permission from Eru. That's exactly what happened to Gandalf the Grey when he died, therefore he was mortal. The fact that he was sent back into Arda by Eru until his task was completed further suggests that, after the War of the Ring, Gandalf the White fully expected to die and leave Arda again. Makes the Valarin debates over which Maia gofer should be sent into Endor take on a rather macabre tone.

72 posted on 12/22/2002 11:23:37 PM PST by Caesar Soze
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 68 | View Replies]

To: Chemnitz
I love Tokien and this review was hilariously funny. Very cranky and some great insights. I love it when people spot movie errors. The opinions are fun to read too.

That was dang funny! So maybe we should get cracking on The Two Towers?

TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE TWO TOWERS SUCKS!!!

1. The Man of Steel

Didja notice? Gandalf "falls" off the bridge and flies through the air to grab his sword. Before he even hits the bottom, Gandalf has grabbed the firebeast and starts kicking his ass! Hey, Superman! Why didn't you do that while you had your sword and you were on the bridge?

2. How to Climb Mount Everest

Step 1. Fall with a firebeast until you reach the lake at the bottom of the mountain.
Step 2. Firebeasts hate water, so you can just bet he'll use his great wings of smoke and fire to carry you instantly to the top of the mountain! Make sure you are hanging on when he does this.
Step 3. Thank the firebeast for the lift. Then kick his ass some more!

3. I Am a Rock

Trying to avoid someone? Fall on the ground. Cover up with your coat. And think 'rock' like your life depended on it. Hell, if the people coming after you believe you're insane, it just might work!

4. Why Men Don't Ask for Directions

Nobody wants to ask a creep like Smeagol. Next thing you know, he's off to introduce you to some 'friends.' If you're lucky, you wake up with a pain in the neck and all your valuables taken.

5. No SuperCuts in Middle-Earth.

Wizards can create an army of thousands or return from the dead, but not one of 'em knows how to get a decent haircut. Everybody wears their hair as if they're in some trippy space-rock band. Hey, PJ! People stopped listening to Hawkwind twenty years ago!

6. Homage or theft? XXIII.

Grima Wormtounge is clearly based on that creepy alchemist, Professor Snape, in Harry Potter.

7. You Can't Change Human Nature

Elves are fey and have pointy ears. Dwarves are short and the butt of jokes. It's always been that way. Will always be that way. No wonder people generally hate this crap-- they already know what to expect.

8. Attack of the Clones

After creating an army 10,000 strong, the next obvious step is to march it 100 miles, nonstop, and to immediately attack an impregnable fortress where all the heroes will be waiting for you. While getting your face smashed on the walls...

9. Rear Guard? We Don't Need No Steenkin' Rear Guard

... Don't forget to have your collective ass kicked from the rear. Good thing Peter Jackson gave the baddies some brains!

10. Bakshi to the Future

When Ralph Bakshi released his meandering opus to the world in 1978, the good-guys had just won a big battle at Helm's Deep and were getting ready to carry the Ring into Mordor. In 2002, after $200 million and 6 hours of travelogue footage from the New Zealand Ministry of the Interior, Peter Jackson brings us to the same damn point in the story! Thanks, guy. Glad to see our time wasn't too badly wasted.

73 posted on 12/22/2002 11:26:16 PM PST by BradyLS
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 37 | View Replies]

To: Tennessee_Bob; maquiladora; ecurbh; HairOfTheDog; 2Jedismom
The replies taking this article seriously are quite amusing. Especially the critical responses AFTER they realize they've been had.
74 posted on 12/22/2002 11:26:39 PM PST by JameRetief
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 54 | View Replies]

To: MarkL
with the Norman conquest of England, "their own" mythology was lost, with the exception of Beowulf.

Beowulf is actually a Scandinavian legend. Beowulf was a Geat, from a tribe in southern Sweden. King Hrothgar was Danish.

The original poem was written in Old English, but it probably was an adaptation of an older oral legend that had nothing to do with England..

-ccm

75 posted on 12/22/2002 11:32:51 PM PST by ccmay
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 22 | View Replies]

To: Jael
It's fantasy.

I have not seen the movie and don't really plan to (well, I am considering asking a friend to go since I know she likes the Lord of the Rings, but she probably has already seen it). By the way, she is a strong Reformed Christian with her head on straight....she is not coming into some cult or something by watching a fantasy.

This nonsense reminds me of the whole anti-Harry Potter crusade.

76 posted on 12/22/2002 11:42:44 PM PST by rwfromkansas
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 15 | View Replies]

To: Jael
BTW, I grew up reading fiction books about warlocks, witches, and magic. I am doing just fine and have not converted to Wicca. In fact, I am a staunch Christian with some theonomic tendencies. In my world (assuming everyone COVENANTED TO TO THIS.....I WOULD NOT FORCE IT ON THEM)....there would be strict laws and one of the laws would be that witches would be executed as Scripture teaches. Anyway.

Just because a book talks about magic does not make it an object of Satan.
77 posted on 12/22/2002 11:46:10 PM PST by rwfromkansas
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 15 | View Replies]

To: Jael
Jael, you were hanging out with "real live witches" on internet boards last time we talked... I don't think it is Tolkien fans that are fascinated with the occult. I think it is Jael.

78 posted on 12/23/2002 12:07:33 AM PST by HairOfTheDog
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 15 | View Replies]

To: BradyLS
I've given the Two Towers version it's own thread here:

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/chat/811134/posts
79 posted on 12/23/2002 12:09:20 AM PST by BradyLS
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 73 | View Replies]

To: Sabertooth
Yes, I know way too much.

I can respect that. ;~D

Thanks for the ping, I think!

80 posted on 12/23/2002 12:09:48 AM PST by HairOfTheDog
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 16 | View Replies]

To: sweetliberty; ecurbh
Only a small one. Has ecurbh been pinged?
81 posted on 12/23/2002 12:10:43 AM PST by HairOfTheDog
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 19 | View Replies]

To: motzman
Okay...

1. A long time ago, Elves move to middle earth from a place called Valar. In Valar, things never die. Middle Earth is dangerous, filled with things that make sauron look like the punk next door. Elves decide to try and fix things.

Later, there existed a man and an elf, they fall in love and have two children: Elrond and Elros. Elrond decides to follow the elven path and live for just about forever. Elros decides to become follow the man's path (with the elve's blessing and a lifespan short in elven terms but many times the lifespan of regular guys). Elros moves to Numenor, an island between Valar and Middle Earth. The only catch is they can never set foot on Valar. A descendant of Elros does, and the whole island of Numenor sinks. Elros's descendants move back to middle earth and assume the power over the its peoples that the true elves didn't want.

Enventually Elros's descandants begin breeding with 'lesser' people and the "blood of numenor" declines. Eventually, we get to Aragorn, who yes is Elrond's great times about thirty grand nephew.

On Elrond's side, he decides to marry this elf called, well I don't remember, but the elf's parents are Galadriel and Celeborn ( that's right the lothlorien pair). So Arwen is grandchild of the Galadriel and child of Elrond. And Elrond is Galadriel's son-in-law.

Get it?

By the way, this is the daughter Jean, not the dad Robert.

82 posted on 12/23/2002 12:13:56 AM PST by Robert A. Cook, PE
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 46 | View Replies]

To: A.J.Armitage
No movie should be over two hours long.

Bite your tongue -Blues Brothers (Original) 2hours :59 minutes

83 posted on 12/23/2002 4:18:55 AM PST by Revelation 911
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: A.J.Armitage
Did anyone mention that it was WAY TOO LONG???
84 posted on 12/23/2002 5:01:03 AM PST by Sungirl
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: titanmike
Here spinning your Tarantino mantra as well? Give it a rest. Tarantino is passe.
85 posted on 12/23/2002 5:06:24 AM PST by Miss Marple
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 7 | View Replies]

To: ccmay
Thanks for the clarification. I have trouble keeping the Roman and Greek mythos straight! lol

Mark
86 posted on 12/23/2002 5:07:59 AM PST by MarkL
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 75 | View Replies]

To: JameRetief
Yeah - no kidding. Myself, I'm glad I've got a life.
87 posted on 12/23/2002 5:08:18 AM PST by Tennessee_Bob
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 74 | View Replies]

To: 2Jedismom; Alkhin; Anitius Severinus Boethius; AUsome Joy; austinTparty; Bear_in_RoseBear; ...

Ring Ping!!

88 posted on 12/23/2002 5:08:21 AM PST by ecurbh
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 74 | View Replies]

To: Tennessee_Bob
Shhhh...its fun to watch people earn their Geek Wings.
89 posted on 12/23/2002 5:13:31 AM PST by Wolfie
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 54 | View Replies]

To: A.J.Armitage
This thread's replies are proof of something I've suspected for some time now : Hardly anyone on FR is actually reading the articles posted here any more. They're just reading the first paragraph or so, scanning the rest briefly, and banging out a response based on that cursory scan.
90 posted on 12/23/2002 5:21:06 AM PST by kaylar
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: A.J.Armitage
"12. Return of the Living Dead.

If you watch closely during the Inn scene, Frodo and his crew are shown getting stabbed by the Ring Wraiths. Then, five seconds later, they are fine again. Note to the director: try proofreading your movie before you release it to the public."


Are you sure that's correct? I thought the scene showed the Wraiths stabbing pillows. Frodo & friends had anticipated that the Wraiths would attack, and left their room, leaving their pillows under the covers so that the Wraiths would think they were still there.

Maybe I'm missing the sarcasm! :-)


91 posted on 12/23/2002 5:35:09 AM PST by puroresu
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]


92 posted on 12/23/2002 5:39:44 AM PST by KneelBeforeZod
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 50 | View Replies]

To: drstevej
Ping

Just wait till the Hobbit's Hole crowd sees this.
93 posted on 12/23/2002 5:43:59 AM PST by Wrigley
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Deb
ping
94 posted on 12/23/2002 5:44:57 AM PST by AppyPappy
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: jerod
Oh, come on. This is a work of satire if there ever was a one ; )

J
95 posted on 12/23/2002 5:51:31 AM PST by jedwardtremlett
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: Pistias
Loved the books, loved the movie(s).

Is the movie a word-for-word retelling of the books? Of course not. Is the movie the best rendering of the books into film? Absolutely! And probably will remain so for our lifetime, at least.

Are you an elitist, picayune little piss-ant if minor deviations or omissions from the books cause you to pan the film? Yes.

96 posted on 12/23/2002 5:56:54 AM PST by Ignatz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 9 | View Replies]

To: A.J.Armitage
My favorite:

Quality Control at New Line.

Millions of copies of the LOTR DVD have thick black bars at the bottom and top of the screen throughout the film. Didn't anyone catch this? You know what happens at the end, in the extreme foreground and extreme upper sky? Neither do I. Bush league, guys.

There's an ongoing, very entertaining flame war in the alt.video.dvd Usenet newsgroup about the differences and comparative advantages of widescreen and pan-and-scan formats.

Very entertaining post - thank you.

97 posted on 12/23/2002 5:58:41 AM PST by strela
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Sungirl; BibChr
Did anyone mention that it was WAY TOO LONG???

Not to mention you look like Sinead O'Connor as a result of viewing this film.

98 posted on 12/23/2002 6:03:40 AM PST by Cagey
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 84 | View Replies]

To: Ladyhawke
LOTR PING
99 posted on 12/23/2002 6:04:14 AM PST by sheltonmac
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: A.J.Armitage
Hilarious, AJ!

Be alert, though, some here won't "get" it.

100 posted on 12/23/2002 6:07:33 AM PST by Ignatz
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-5051-100101-150151-200201-238 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson