Skip to comments.50 Reasons Lord of the Rings Sucks
Posted on 12/22/2002 9:05:26 PM PST by A.J.Armitage
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Nothing ripped off from Jar-Jar could look sane.
Melkor was a Vala (and not for long), not Valar, 'cuz there was only one Melkor.
Gandalf is one of the Istari, the five Maia selected by the Valar to sail from the Uttermost West to Middle-Earth to fight the scourge of Sauron, the second Dark Lord.
The number of the Istari was never settled on, or if it was, only lately. We can say with confidence that there were five chief Istari sent to the North-west of Middle-earth; as for lesser Istari, or chiefs in other regions, we don't really know. Tolkien did speculate that the Blue Wizards established their own magic traditions (Hereni Istarion?) in the East, which would allow us to have a great deal of lesser Istari, if we wanted them. The Istari were instructed not to fight Sauron, but rather to encourage the people of Endor to fight him. Oh, and it's not "five Maia," it's "five Maiar," cuz, well, there's five of 'em.
Gandalf is a Servant of the Secret Fire, and is not human, but immortal.
No, Gandalf was quite mortal. He died of physical injuries and his fea passed out of the world, just like any other adan. He was a durable chap, probably moreso than any Elf, but when it came down to it he received the Gift of Men.
I recommend a lawsuit.
No, but I agree with it.
Willow was the greatest epic ever. Right up there with the Illiad. The bones say it was ripped off!
Disagree. Gandalf was Maia, and was therefore immortal. Being immortal didn't preclude him from being killed however, as was also true of the elves.
Aw, those lovable characters...Dildo, Spam, Moxie and Pepsi. Legolam and Gimlet, and Arrowshirt son of Arrowroot. Who could forget?
Available from Amazon.com.
The fear of men, however, leave the world upon the death of their bodies. They cannot be rehoused within Arda without special permission from Eru. That's exactly what happened to Gandalf the Grey when he died, therefore he was mortal. The fact that he was sent back into Arda by Eru until his task was completed further suggests that, after the War of the Ring, Gandalf the White fully expected to die and leave Arda again. Makes the Valarin debates over which Maia gofer should be sent into Endor take on a rather macabre tone.
That was dang funny! So maybe we should get cracking on The Two Towers?
TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE TWO TOWERS SUCKS!!!
1. The Man of Steel
Didja notice? Gandalf "falls" off the bridge and flies through the air to grab his sword. Before he even hits the bottom, Gandalf has grabbed the firebeast and starts kicking his ass! Hey, Superman! Why didn't you do that while you had your sword and you were on the bridge?
2. How to Climb Mount Everest
Step 1. Fall with a firebeast until you reach the lake at the bottom of the mountain.
Step 2. Firebeasts hate water, so you can just bet he'll use his great wings of smoke and fire to carry you instantly to the top of the mountain! Make sure you are hanging on when he does this.
Step 3. Thank the firebeast for the lift. Then kick his ass some more!
3. I Am a Rock
Trying to avoid someone? Fall on the ground. Cover up with your coat. And think 'rock' like your life depended on it. Hell, if the people coming after you believe you're insane, it just might work!
4. Why Men Don't Ask for Directions
Nobody wants to ask a creep like Smeagol. Next thing you know, he's off to introduce you to some 'friends.' If you're lucky, you wake up with a pain in the neck and all your valuables taken.
5. No SuperCuts in Middle-Earth.
Wizards can create an army of thousands or return from the dead, but not one of 'em knows how to get a decent haircut. Everybody wears their hair as if they're in some trippy space-rock band. Hey, PJ! People stopped listening to Hawkwind twenty years ago!
6. Homage or theft? XXIII.
Grima Wormtounge is clearly based on that creepy alchemist, Professor Snape, in Harry Potter.
7. You Can't Change Human Nature
Elves are fey and have pointy ears. Dwarves are short and the butt of jokes. It's always been that way. Will always be that way. No wonder people generally hate this crap-- they already know what to expect.
8. Attack of the Clones
After creating an army 10,000 strong, the next obvious step is to march it 100 miles, nonstop, and to immediately attack an impregnable fortress where all the heroes will be waiting for you. While getting your face smashed on the walls...
9. Rear Guard? We Don't Need No Steenkin' Rear Guard
... Don't forget to have your collective ass kicked from the rear. Good thing Peter Jackson gave the baddies some brains!
10. Bakshi to the Future
When Ralph Bakshi released his meandering opus to the world in 1978, the good-guys had just won a big battle at Helm's Deep and were getting ready to carry the Ring into Mordor. In 2002, after $200 million and 6 hours of travelogue footage from the New Zealand Ministry of the Interior, Peter Jackson brings us to the same damn point in the story! Thanks, guy. Glad to see our time wasn't too badly wasted.
Beowulf is actually a Scandinavian legend. Beowulf was a Geat, from a tribe in southern Sweden. King Hrothgar was Danish.
The original poem was written in Old English, but it probably was an adaptation of an older oral legend that had nothing to do with England..
I can respect that. ;~D
Thanks for the ping, I think!
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