Posted on 02/09/2003 7:07:07 AM PST by Big Guy and Rusty 99
"Former President Clinton went to London to see Chelsea and meet her new boyfriend. I guess the boyfriend told Clinton he thought of him as a role model. Clinton said, 'That's it — you are not dating my daughter!'" —Jay Leno
"Former President Bill Clinton will not be hosting a talk-show here at NBC. I believe this marks the first time that Clinton has ever turned down a desk job." —Jay Leno
"In California, 50 women protested the im pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president." —Jay Leno
"Independent counsel Robert Ray released his final report and he concluded that President Clinton lied about Monica Lewinsky. That was $70 million well spent." —Jay Leno
"Are you excited about this cloning thing? That company CloneAid, which has been doing all this research, made an announcement that they have been able to clone a Bill Clinton Jr. from a blue dress." —David Letterman
"Last night in Canada, Bill Clinton told a Jewish group that if Iraq attacks the Middle East, he would personally pick-up a rifle and fight for Israel. The only place he won't fight, is if it's anywhere near Southeast Asia. ... Would you want Clinton fighting with you? We already know his aim is terrible." —Jay Leno
"Producers of the game show 'Hollywood Squares' said that they have asked former President Bill Clinton to be the center square on the show, and Clinton is considering it. How humbling is that? The same week that Jimmy Carter gets the Nobel Peace Prize, you are asked to be the center square!" —Jay Leno
"President Clinton was in Manhattan a couple of days ago and he's driving down the street and he stops his car and goes up to a doorman at an apartment building and he asks the guy if he can use the restroom. One day you're the leader of the free world and the next day a guy named Pedro won't let you use the bathroom. ... Later that day Clinton stopped a couple and asked them if he could use his wife." —David Letterman
"In today's New York Post a man who went to Oxford with former President Clinton claims that at the time both he and Clinton dated a woman who turned out to be a radical lesbian. After hearing this, President Clinton said, 'Yeah, but only one of us married her.'" —Conan O'Brien
"Here's a nice thing. You remember President Clinton, he had the heavy-set girl thing. He had a dog Buddy, who sadly died a couple of months ago. Well, President Clinton has gotten himself a new dog. You know, I think it's changing his life, kind of brightening him up. He's teaching the dog to sit up, to beg, to roll-over, you know, just like he did with the interns." —David Letterman
"The big news from the celebrity boxing match was that Tonya Harding knocked Paula Jones down in their fight. Yeah, afterwards, President Clinton said 'Finally, someone got Paula Jones to go down.'" —Conan O'Brien
"You may think you have a stressful job, but since she's been a Senator, Hillary Clinton, they say, put on 30 pounds. In fact, she has gotten so heavy that today Bill hit on her." —David Letterman
"President Clinton may be getting his own TV show on NBC. He could be the first president to ever be both impeached and cancelled. They're going to pay the guy $50 million. And that's not all. If I know Clinton, he's going to be getting a little something extra under the table." —David Letterman
"Bill Clinton may get his own talk show on CBS. It will be strange once again to hear 'So who is on Clinton tonight?'" —Craig Kilborn
"Clinton wants to be a talk show host. I think he'd be a great talk show host. ... His would be the only one where the couch folds out. I'm just glad Clinton wasn't offered a game show. The last thing I want to see is Clinton yelling at women 'Come on down.'" —Jay Leno
"Bill Clinton's spokesperson confirmed that he has had talks with NBC about doing his own daytime talk show. He'd have to do daytime, because you can't do late-night without doing Clinton jokes." —Jay Leno
"Yesterday President Bush was at Mt. Rushmore. Don't confuse this with former President Clinton who was just in a rush to mount more." —Jay Leno
"Bill Clinton was busy over the weekend at a casino where he was playing saxophone. It's hard to believe, isn't it, that since this guy has left office he's actually become less classy." —David Letterman
"Playing saxophone at the grand opening of the Mohegan Sun Casino was Bill Clinton — or, as the Indians call him, 'Dancing with Cows.'" —Craig Kilborn
"Yesterday was Earth Day, and President Bush planted some seeds. See, that's the difference between Bush and Clinton. Clinton was a much bigger environmentalist. He didn't just plant his seeds one day, he planted them every day." —Jay Leno
"President Clinton wants to buy a condo here in Manhattan. I'm thinking, just pray to God he doesn't buy the place above you. In the middle of the night, you could hear that 200-pound intern drop to her knees." —David Letterman
"Former President Clinton's dog, Buddy, got run over recently. Very sad. Hillary said today she feels terrible, because she was aiming at Bill." —Jay Leno
"More evidence that the ice shelf down there on the South Pole is breaking up after 50 million years. The Clintons are staying together, but the ice shelf is breaking up. Go figure that out." —David Letterman
"Over the weekend President Clinton's dog Buddy died. It is a heartbreaking thing because Buddy was a great dog. Buddy could rollover, Buddy would beg. Buddy could catch things in his mouth — wait a minute — I'm sorry. I am thinking of Monica." —David Letterman
"Chelsea Clinton has been spotted all over town recently at New York's hottest single bars. When asked about it, Chelsea said 'hey, I'm just trying to spend a little quality time with my Dad'" —Conan O'Brien
"This Paula Jones woman is unbelievable. She says yes to posing nude in Playboy. She says yes to boxing Tonya Harding. The only thing too sleazy for her is President Clinton." —Jay Leno
"Bush announced he's pulled out of the 1978 Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty. ... I think this is the biggest thing a president has pulled out of since Monica" —David Letterman
"Ari Fleischer apologized this week for statements that implied that Bill Clinton's failed peace plan was to blame for the current Mid East violence. What is wrong with these Republicans? Let's go over the Clinton administration again. He did this [shows picture of Monica Lewinsky]. He didn't do this [the word 'violence' appears]. He did this [shows picture of Monica Lewinsky]. He didn't do this [shows the 'Enron' symbol]. He did this [shows picture of Monica Lewinsky]. He didn't do this [shows a chart of the Dow Jones going down]. He did this [shows picture of Monica Lewinsky]. He didn't do this [show picture of Hillary Clinton]" —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update
"In Little Rock, Arkansas, they began ground breaking for the Bill Clinton presidential library ... as I understand, Clinton is staining the wood himself." —Jay Leno
"In Washington, it turns out there are still traces of anthrax in the Senate office building. Wouldn't it be ironic if, after all these years of living with Bill, Hillary winds up catching something from the Senate." —Jay Leno
"The Northern Alliance have been going from cave to cave looking for bin Laden. They found one of his old hideouts, and what they found inside was fascinating. It was full of boxes of macaroni and extra-large sized underpants. Coincidentally, it's the same thing George Bush found when he moved into the Oval Office" —David Letterman
"President Bush says human cloning is morally wrong. Surprisingly, this is one area where both he and former President Clinton actually agree. In fact, Clinton said today that he believes humans should be created the old-fashioned way, liquored up in a cheap motel." —Jay Leno
"According to the White House information center, the former president of Afghanistan was castrated by the Taliban. They castrated the leader of the country. You thought Clinton was worried about being impeached?" —Jay Leno
"President Bush has authorized the drop of 15,000-pound bombs on Afghanistan. I believe that is the heaviest ordered drop by a president since ... well, Monica." —David Letterman
"According to Marie Claire magazine, the United States is the most sexually active country in the world. It's nice to see all the work Clinton did in the '90s finally paying off. Who said there is no legacy there?" —Jay Leno
"They say New Yorkers are coping by having much, much more sex. Talk about luck. Bill Clinton moved here just in time" —David Letterman
"Bin Laden was once targeted by President Clinton. President Clinton wanted to kill him but couldn't get him. Of course not, we all know what kind of aim Clinton has." —Jay Leno
"It turns out now that Bill Clinton ... he had tape recorders working in the Oval Office. This could get pretty good. They apparently were voice activated, just like his fly. These tapes are available to everybody. There's 80 in the Clinton audiotape collection. And if you buy all 80, he'll throw his sex video, 'Too Hot for the Starr Report.' ... The tape recorder was equipped with forward, reverse and pause, just like his interns. ... The people that have listened to them say you can't really hear anything because of the sound of Monica's head thumping on the desk." —David Letterman
"Clinton and Dole are joining forces to raise $100 million in scholarship money for the families of the victims. But you know who also deserves a pat on the back, Elizabeth Dole. Her husband is on Viagra and he's gone on the road with Bill Clinton — that is one trusting woman." —Jay Leno
"Even former political rivals like Bill Clinton and Bob Dole are working together to help New York. They say they want to show people that they could put their differences aside for a common goal. And those two really are different when you think about it. I mean there's Bob Dole who always talks in the third person and Bill Clinton who always denies there's a third person." —Jay Leno
"Bad news for Bill Clinton. He's been disbarred. So now it seems the only time he can argue a case is in front of his wife." —David Letterman
"Talking about Bill Clinton, yesterday the Supreme Court disbarred him, but he's not worried about that, because he's just going to pardon himself." —David Letterman
"It's a tough time to do humor, but it's not the only tough time. There have been other tough stretches in comedy. Remember a couple of years ago when President Clinton stopped dating for a couple of weeks?" —Jay Leno
"President Bush's approval rating is ninety percent. That is huge. Do you realize that is higher than the approval rating Bill Clinton has in his own family?" —Jay Leno
"In an effort to help get the airline industry back on track, Ex-President Bill Clinton announced he would fly commercial airlines four times this week. Of course, it's Clinton, you don't know if he's trying to be patriotic, or if he just likes getting patted down." —Jay Leno
"Yesterday, Hillary Clinton criticized a neighbor in Chappaqua because the neighbor's son threw a party for his high school football team and had a stripper put on a nude sex show. President Clinton criticized the parents too, but only because he wasn't invited." —Conan O'Brien
"I would have liked being president forever." —Bill Clinton, talking in Brazil, where he purchased a bikini and sarongs
"I'm glad our president is in perfect health, but it is not the same excitement as when Clinton would go in a physical. With Clinton, it would always be like 5 or 6 urologists there, you never know what strange disease he picked up. 'We need more penicillin! We need back up!' —Jay Leno
"President Clinton once told me I'm the luckiest politician in the world because I can say anything and get away with it." —Gov. Jesse Ventura, on the Tonight Show
"Yeah, but he can do anything and get away with it." —Jay Leno
"As you probably heard, Bill Clinton's brother Roger Clinton got probation the other day on a restless driving charge. One condition of the probation: he cannot associate with any criminal elements. So there pretty much goes the Clinton family reunion right there." —Jay Leno
"Did you hear about Hillary Clinton's brother? It's not Hugh, it's Tony. Apparently he's got a vacation house somewhere in Pennsylvania and he gets beat up because he is having sex with somebody's fiance. I keep thinking, Clinton is a lucky guy. It's hard to find a brother in law who has the same interests you do" —David Letterman
"Senator Hillary Clinton's brother Tony Rodham was beaten up by a guy who caught him having sex with his girlfriend. Where does that happen? Does that happen anywhere you don't have wheels on your house? ... Today Bill Clinton said he was shocked. He said he didn't know anybody on Hillary's side of the family even had sex." —Jay Leno
"Bill Clinton is in Rio de Janeiro. Did you see the picture on the TV? He was in shorts on the beach. God bless this guy, he's not out building homes for the homeless — he's getting around like he won the Powerball! Just what Rio de Janeiro needs — another fat American looking at topless chicks." —David Letterman
"According to the kitchen staff at the White House, President Bush ends most of his meals by eating a dessert of Oreo cookies. Interesting, he eats Oreo cookies for dessert. Yeah, apparently he got the idea from President Clinton, who would end each meal by having a threesome with two black women." —Conan O'Brien
"This outfit needs a presidential pardon" —comment accompanying a photograph of Denise Rich in People magazine's "Worst Dressed" feature.
"The $10 million Clinton is getting for his book beats the old record of $8.5 million paid to the Pope. How do you think this makes the Pope feel? The man dedicates his life to the 10 Commandments, he gets 8.5. Clinton breaks every one of them, he gets 10." —Jay Leno
"Just like Clinton, the book will come with a jacket and no pants." —Jay Leno
"Former President Bill Clinton has over $10 million in his pockets. $10 million! Has there ever been a better time to be a Hooters waitress?" —Jay Leno
"Clinton has been mulling over titles for his memoirs but publishers have already told him he can't use the 'Ass Menagerie.' ... Editors are reportedly hoping for 1000 pages, but Clinton wants it considerably shorter so it hurts less when Hillary throws it at him." —Craig Kilborn
"Today the publisher of Bill Clinton's book said the last draft does include Clinton's description of all his infidelities. Yes, look for it in bookstores in the hernia section." —Craig Kilborn
"Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything." —Jay Leno
"I will give you an idea of how hot it was the other day. It was so hot, to cool off President Clinton actually got in bed with Hillary." —David Letterman
"Clinton said he feels safe in Harlem. It's the only place in the state Hillary is scared to look for him after dark." —Craig Kilborn
"(Hillary Clinton) is way too polarizing a figure to ever (be elected president). But I like her husband. I think this kid has a gleam in his eye, this Bill Clinton. I think we show up at his house two years from now naked with a box of cigars and go, 'You know what, stick them wherever you want, just come back.'" —Jon Stewart, in an interview with Larry King
"Clinton now is our neighbor. He moved back into the city and his new offices are on the Upper East Side, way, way up there and they are conveniently located between a Wendy's and a Hooters. When he moved into his new offices, the first thing he did was hang up his certificate of impeachment. ... No move ever goes smoothly. Today Clinton's brand new desk arrived. He had to send it back, apparently not enough head room." —David Letterman
"The House has approved drilling for oil in the Alaska wilderness. Say what you will about Clinton, but he was only interested in drilling in the Oval Office." —David Letterman
"While he was in Spain, Bush got a call from Bill Clinton. Clinton said, 'Hey, can you pick me up some Spanish fly while you're down there?'" —Jay Leno
"The other day while playing golf in England President Clinton met a couple getting married and posed for pictures with them. Not only that but he offered to help consummate the marriage." —Conan O'Brien
"Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven't spoken to each other since George W. Bush's inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven't spoken since Richard Nixon's inauguration." —Conan O'Brien
"Here is the basic difference between the Bush family and the Clinton family. When Bill Clinton said it was time for a cold one, he meant Hillary." —Jay Leno
"Clinton's new office has everything, it's got the state-of-the-art equipment, the well- paid staff, the tight security. Now all he needs is, well, an actual job. ... He has been in the office a few days and he is still trying to figure out the new office phone system. Earlier today, he accidentally took a call from Hillary." —David Letterman
"Today lawyers for Monica Lewinsky said that Monica Lewinsky wants the government to return her stained blue dress. Apparently she is under the illusion that she can still fit in it. ... They said on the news tonight the dress could be worth up to $500,000 to a collector. Collector? Who collects that? Now I was thinking, Clinton gets what, $100,000 for an hour speech? He's in the wrong business. What's it take, two minutes to stain a dress? That's $500,000 right there." —Jay Leno
"Bush went to Wisconsin, to a Harley Davidson factory and rode a motorcycle. It's the biggest thing a president has ridden since ... I just can't bring myself to throw that joke away." —David Letterman
"Former President Clinton was hit by an egg thrown by a protestor as he was walking down the street in Poland. His reflexes were so quick, he was able to fertilize it like that." —Jay Leno
"Former President Bill Clinton is being paid $10 million to write his life story. There is no exact figure yet because there is no exact story." —Jay Leno
"President Clinton has lost 20 pounds since he was in office. That's pretty good, 20 pounds. He said he knew he was overweight and needed to go on a diet because on the last trip he took, he couldn't get into the lavatory with a flight attendant." —David Letterman
"Former President Clinton was walking to an event in Poland, walking down the street, waving to people, when a raw egg was thrown by a protester and hit him. Well, that's depressing, isn't it? One day, you're President of the United States, the Secret Service has to take a bullet for you. The minute you leave office, they won't even take an egg for you. ... Luckily, Clinton is an expert at getting out stains, so it's not a problem there." —Jay Leno
"How many of you remember President Clinton? He was the fun one. ... An 18-year-old high school student wrote him a letter asking him to deliver the commencement address at the high school. Well, it actually wasn't just a letter, it was a couple of polaroids that went along with it." —David Letterman
"According to a recent report, Americans spend more money on pornography than we do on political campaigns. Last year we spent $11 billion on pornography and only $1.2 billion on politics. That was the great thing with Bill Clinton, with him you got both." —Jay Leno
"There is a rumor in Britain that President Clinton is going to be knighted by Queen Elizabeth. Which is really odd, because usually women are on their knees in front of him." —Conan O'Brien
"Great Britain is considering knighting former President Bill Clinton. And that's not all, because he committed adultery, cheated and had a bunch of loser relatives who never had a job in their lives, he's also being made an honorary member of the royal family." —Jay Leno
"Former President Clinton has been hanging out in a bar in Chappaqua, New York. Apparently he was there like every night last week. And apparently whenever President Clinton goes there, he asks for the usual and the waitress gives him a restraining order." —Conan O'Brien
"According to ABC News, Bill Clinton often sneaks back to Washington to be with Hillary. I guess he doesn't want his girlfriends finding out that he is seeing his wife." —Jay Leno
"Former President Bill Clinton is in India right now and he is doing everything you do when you go to India. They put a turban on him and they had Bill Clinton riding an Elephant. It's the biggest thing he's ridden since — well." —David Letterman
"I know about the Salem Witch Trials; I could sort of identify with those witches." —Former President Bill Clinton, speaking at Salem State College
"All content submitted for use on the Clinton Presidential Center becomes property of the Center and cannot be returned ... We will not accept materials of a prurient quality." —Submission guidelines for Clinton's Web site
"Bill Clinton, they now are saying has got nothing to do. So every night he goes to a bar there in Chappaqua and Clinton says that he really enjoys spending time in the bar because the more he drinks, every woman starts to look like Paula Jones." —David Letterman
"It's tax time and former President Clinton is reporting he made over $2 million last year, and that's not including what he got under the table." —Craig Kilborn
"A judge in Little Rock, Arkansas, has thrown out Arkansas' anti-sodomy law. Finally, some good news for Bill Clinton: he can go home! He doesn't have to hide out in New York anymore." —Jay Leno
"He was a great President from the neck up." —New York Public Advocate/NYC Mayoral candidate Mark Green, on Bill Clinton
"Bill Clinton is back flying commercial. And this trip to Europe did not go well. Here is what happened, about 3 hours into the flight during the meal service, his intern kept hitting her head on the tray table." —David Letterman
This comes courtesy of The Hotline:
Shot: "Clinton's only steady companions in Chappaqua are his dog, Buddy, and a former White House valet who has helped him learn modern skills he never needed to master before: getting cash from an ATM, operating his PalmPilot, even putting a phone call on hold" (Chicago Sun-Times, 3/19/01).
Chaser: "While the President was on the telephone, according to Ms. Lewinsky, 'he unzipped his pants and exposed himself,' and she performed oral sex" (The Starr Report, 3/98).
"James Carville — one of those guys you always see on CNN, which is of course now the Clinton News Network, he said he didn't worry about Bill Clinton because Bill is the Comeback Kid. Here is my question; How can you make a comeback when you won't go away?" —Jay Leno
"Wes Craven was actually asked to shoot a film that documented Bill Clinton's last day in office. That's a true story, yeah. Yeah, apparently Craven wanted to call the film, 'I Know Who You Did Last Summer'" —Conan O'Brien
"President Clinton has got an office a couple of blocks from here. It's a great location, right between a Wendy's and a Hooters. ... It's a fabulous building, over on 57th Street — Hump Tower. ... He's on the 56th floor of this office building. What a view! He can see the East river. He can see Central Park. He can see the Hudson River. He can see Hillary coming." —David Letterman
"President Clinton is here in New York City. He's on the 56th floor of an office building in Midtown Manhattan. He took the whole floor. And the great thing is, he can furnish it with stuff he stole from the White House. And he brought his own doorman with him — I guess you can do that as a former President — Al Gore." —David Letterman
"They also said that they found pornographic material on the White House fax. It turns out that was just Clinton sending out resumes." —Jay Leno
"Former President Clinton, now that he's out of office he has to make his money like all the rest of us. Public speaking, that is what he does. ... This week kicks off the big public speaking tour, and he's down there in Florida and I'm thinking to myself, 'Finally, this could turn the tide for Al Gore. Finally!' ... Actually he's down there doing two speeches and judging a wet T-shirt contest." —David Letterman
"He's got a scandalous past and he's talking about how much he's going to love being the (Senate) spouse's club. Do you think that makes the male senators feel good? Do you think Sen. Orrin Hatch right now is sleeping easy? Do you think Lieberman doesn't think Clinton is going to be sidling on up to Hadassah in the Senate club: 'Can I buy you a Manishevitz?' Believe me, they're nervous." —Jon Stewart, on Bill Clinton
"Boy, you can tell Bill Clinton really hates being out of the spotlight. He spent two hours today waving behind the glass at the Today show." —Jay Leno
What red alert are you talking about? Our current fruit is orange.
Bush has brought the country back to a normal road, where the filth and corruption of Willie and his sleazes have been forgotten. In fact, we have become more conservative in such a short time that many of the jokes, hell, headlines of the late '90s would be too off color for today. The dems who lied to cover Willie's lies will always act to impeach the next Republican President that they can. Starr's brilliant record of Willie's filth and these wonderful jokes will help defend against these weasels and their ongoing criminality.
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