Skip to comments.France's history of military failure
Posted on 02/12/2003 8:08:47 AM PST by CHICAGOFARMER
Americans swamp French Embassy 'It never stopped, it was crazy,' said diplomat after 1,000 calls
France's history of military failure ---------------------------------------------------------
The military history of France:
Gallic Wars Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War Tied.
War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession Lost. The war also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel song.
War in Indochina Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?" but, rather, "How long until France collapses?"
It is time for a good old flooding of emails and faxs and phone calls from WWII vetrans and extended families.
My Uncle who is still alive, landed at Normandy, fought to Berlin.
Ten thousand Americans are buried in France. They need to be returned home.
Who can help
Arguable, but probably an accurate statement. But, do you not think that they've been repaid by us many, many times over?
After all, many French noblemen gave their lives and service in our fight for Independence, and were it not for their support, we may never have prevailed against the King.
Granted. However, do you want to compare the number of French who've died on our soil to the number of Americans who've died on French soil?
Also, let's not forget; the French had an ulterior motive when they helped us out during the Revolutionary War. Did we have an ulterior motive when we bailed them out during WWI and WWII?
I am not suggesting that France is beyond reproach, or even that they have a leg to stand on in this conflict.
Quite the opposite, I am suggesting that our criticism of them would be better grounded in realpolitik than in histrionic appeals to what they "owe" us.
Absurd. And worse, these histrionics discredit our altogether reasonable and rational basis for expecting French support in the war on terror.
Perhaps. And it may be a good thing.
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