"Hold muh beer 'n watch this!" PING....
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Posted on 02/16/2003 9:08:44 AM PST by kattracks
KANSAS CITY, Missouri, Feb 16, 2003 (AP WorldStream via COMTEX) -- France's reservations about joining the United States in war against Iraq inspired a string of jokes from U.S. Rep. Roy Blunt, the third-ranking Republican in the House of Representatives.
"Of course, we're faced with lots of policy challenges, responding to our opponents all around the world - the French," Blunt, the House majority whip, said before being interrupted by laughter at a Missouri Republican convention.
That was just a warmup.
"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried," Blunt quipped, drawing guffaws and applause.
The congressman kept rolling.
"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day - the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once."'
Blunt then attributed this line to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld: "Going to war without the French is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
He made the comments during a "town hall meeting" attended by state Republican leaders during the Missouri party's annual convention saluting Abraham Lincoln's birthday.
Led by France, most of the 15 nations of the U.N. Security Council have shied away from a showdown with Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. France has called for intensifying weapons inspections in Iraq and bolstering them with surveillance flights.
Blunt predicted that "at the end of the day ... the French, along with a host of nations - I think the number right now is about 30 - will be at the president's side when we do what we need to do."
By SCOTT CHARTON Associated Press Writer
What, they dress up like Germans and invade other countries? Or was that just a sex joke?
THEN it turned out, the pilot was American!
The military history of France:
Gallic Wars – Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War – Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars – Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion – France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War – France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution – Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War – Tied.
War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian War – Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession – Lost. The war also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution – In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution – Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars – Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War – Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I – Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II – Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel song.
War in Indochina – Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion – Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism – France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.
"Hold muh beer 'n watch this!" PING....
If you want on or off this list, please let me know!
Hmmmm
"Good evening ladies and germs. I just flew in from Washington, and, boy, are my arms tired. I have a few things to say about our friends, the French. May I be Blunt?"
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