USO Canteen FReeper Style ~ Military Jokes ~ February 24 2003

68-69TonkinGulfYatchClub and FRiends of the Canteen

[petuniasevan]

Murphy's Law
The Army Weather Corollaries


Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT.

A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud.

The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the field wearing MOPP 4.

There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic.

There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory.

Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home.

Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter.

Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor--How do you think we got them so cheap?

The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it.

Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there.

The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night.

The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex.

If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder.

[petuniasevan]

Rules of the Rucksack

1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.
2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.
3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.
4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.


Phillip's Law:
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

Weatherwax's Postulate:
The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.

Least Credible Sentences:
1. The check is in the mail.
2. The trucks will be on the drop zone.
3. Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
4. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.

Brintnall's Second Law:
If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.

Pavlu's Rules for Economy in Decision Papers:
1. Refute the last established recommendation.
2. Add yours.
3. Pass the paper on.

Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.

Lackland's Laws:
1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anything.

Napier's Corollary
If all else fails hide.

Rune's Rule:
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

Law of Supply (also known as the Law of Gifts):
You get the most of what you need the least.

Hane's Law:
There is no limit to how bad things can get.

[petuniasevan]

Cammies

MARINES: Work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.

ARMY: Will wear it anytime, anywhere.

NAVY: Will not wear camouflage uniforms, they do not camouflage you on a ship. (Ship Captains will make every effort to attempt to explain this to sailors.)

AIR FORCE: Will defeat the purpose of camouflage uniforms by putting blue and silver chevrons and colorful squadron patches all over them.

[comwatch]

Sir... permission to come aboard, sir?

First order of business, requesting permission to redistribute the following on our website: PatriotWatch.com

Please Thank someone in the military for ensuring our Freedom.
Take a moment and Thank a Service Man or Woman.
Just Click on the graphic to SEND a message to someone in the military.

Second order of business, please let our serving military personnel know the nation will rally for them in March!

Rally Activities in a City Near You!
The D.C. Chapter says: "LET'S ROLL"

Thank you for the wonder job you're doing to support our troops.

The gang at PDN

[petuniasevan]

Oaths of enlistment:

U.S. AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise.

I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.

After completion of my -- snicker -- "basic training," I will be a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early everyday.

I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.

So help me God.

Signature: ___________________ Date: _________________  

---

  U.S. ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.

On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.

So help me God.

Signature:__________________ Date:_______________ U.S.  

---

  NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...Why not?"

I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop.

I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.

Signature:__________________ Date:_______________  

---

  U.S. MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, ________________ (state name here), swear...uhhhh...high-and-tight... grunt... cammies... ugh... Air Force women.... HOORAH!

So help me Corps.

Thumb Print:___________________ Date:______________

 

[petuniasevan]

Which Service Has the Smartest Enlisted Force?


There is no doubt at all that, of all the Services, the Air Force has the most intelligent enlisted people. This is not just opinion, it's provable fact:

Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, men."

Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a young Captain, Gives his Marines a Sharp Salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marines!"

Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the messroom.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!"

Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a fresh uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sir!"

[petuniasevan]

Air Force/Navy Boat Race


The Navy and the Air Force decided to have a canoe race on the Potomac river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Navy won by a mile.

Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering.

So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Navy again next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality Air Force Program," with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

The next year the Navy won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance, initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles and issued leather rowing jackets to the beleagered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.

[petuniasevan]

Tower Time


On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference:

If it is a commercial airline flight, it is 3 o'clock.

If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

[petuniasevan]

Pilots' Hell


A MAC pilot died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors. The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." "I'll be right back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, he peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.

Unable to imagine a worse fate, he cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see a pilot getting ready for a flight while crew chiefs dilligently put the final touches on a perfectly-maintained aircraft, even bringing him coffee and saluting him sharply as they presented the forms for his approval.

He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared. "Okay," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That's crew chiefs' hell."

[petuniasevan]

An F-16, after refueling behind a KC-135, was generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering tanker. The message for the KC-135 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be out done, the tanker pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The KC-135 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."

[petuniasevan]

Hotel Al-Kharj

(sung to the tune of "Hotel California")



On a dark desert flightline, hot dust in my hair
Warm smell of the sewage rising up through the air
Out ahead in the distance, I saw a camel in sight
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim, I had a long, long flight
There he stood in the doorway, with a towel on his head
I was thinking to myself: this could be heaven, but it would be hell
Then he lit up a hooka, and started puffing away
I heard voices down the corridor, thought I heard them say:

Welcome to the Hotel Al-Kharj
What a bad surprise, for your appetite

Our hosts wear long white dresses, they got the Mercedes Benz
They got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, and they hold hands
How they chop in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat
some chopped just a little, some chopped to minced meat
And still those voices are calling from loud speakers
Wake you up in the middle of the night, just to hear them pray:

Welcome to the Hotel Al-Kharj
Any time of year, you're TDY here

There are no curtains in the showers
No potable water on ice
We are all just prisoners here, of Exxon's delight
So I called up my Captain, please bring me some wine. He said
"They won't allow that spirit here until the end of all time"
And in the Mirage chow hall, we gathered for the feast
We stab it with our plastic knives but we just can't cut the beef
Last thing I remember, I was running for my plane
I had to find the freedom bird to take me home again
Relax, said the First Shirt, we have orders to receive,
You can out-process any time you like, but you can never leave

[petuniasevan]

Life in Thule



A military transport carrying important supplies across "the pond" lands at Thule Air Station in Greenland for refueling. The flight engineer, while doing his walk-around check, notices that the station's crew chief, an A1C, is smoking a cigarette on the flight line while the "honey truck" empties the plane's commode.

"Airman! what the hell do you think you're doing? You're going to be in so much trouble when I'm through with you!"

Hearing this, the crew chief fell to the ground laughing

"What's so funny?" demanded the FE.

The airman replied, "I live on a glacier where it's winter 12 months out of the year, I make less than minimum wage, and I'm unloading s#*t from an airplane. What do you think you can do to me?"

[petuniasevan]

High Flight

Federal Aviation Administration Supplement 1:

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,

Flight crews must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before aircraft taxi or flight is attempted.

And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;

During periods of severe sky dancing, the FASTEN SEATBELT sign must remain constantly illuminated.

Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth

Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling. Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.

Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things

Pilots flying through sun-split clouds must comply with all applicable visual and instrument flight rules.

You have not dreamed of --

Do not perform these hundred things in front of Federal Aviation Administration inspectors.

Wheeled and soared and swung

Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be accomplished simultaneously except by pilots in the flight simulator or in their own aircraft on their own time.

High in the sunlit silence.

Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.

Hov'ring there

"Hov'ring there" will constitute a highly reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.

I've chased the shouting wind along and flung

Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local FSS. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported by pilots.

My eager craft through footless halls of air.

Be forewarned that pilot craft-flinging is a leading cause of passenger airsickness.

Up, up the long delirious, burning blue

Should any crewmember or passenger experience delirium while in the burning blue, submit an irregularity report upon flight termination.

I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,

Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to provide separation from commercial jet routes.

Where never lark, or even eagle flew;

Aircraft engine ingestion of, or imact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the FAA and the appropriate aircraft maintenance activity.

And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,

Air Traffic Control (ATC) must issue all special clearances for treading the high untresspassed sanctity of space.

Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

FAA regulations state that no one may sacrifice aircraft cabin pressure to open aircraft windows or doors while in flight, even to touch a diety.

[petuniasevan]

Been to Frankfurt Before?


The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot, they not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird)

Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgen, taxi to your gate."

The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?!"

Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German patience): "Speedbird, have you never been to Frankfurt before?!"

Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't stop."

[petuniasevan]

The Chain of Command



ADMIRAL/GENERAL
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God.

CAPTAIN/COLONEL
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if it is calm, and talks to God.

COMMANDER/LT COLONEL
Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks to God if a special chit is approved.

LT COMMANDER/MAJOR
Barely clears quonset huts, loses tugs-of-war with a locomotive, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occasionally addressed by God.

LIEUTENANT/CAPTAIN
Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can fire a handgun without inflicting self-injury, can doggie paddle, and talks to animals.

LTJG/1LT
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed, and talks to himself.

ENSIGN/2LT
Falls over door sills when trying to enter buildings, says, "Look at the Choo Choo.", wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself.

CPO/SNCO
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and chews them, and freezes water with a single glance. He is God!

[MeekOneGOP]

Mornin', everybody !! Happy Monday !

It's 30 degrees as I post this. "B-r-r-r-r !" Ya'll have a GREAT day !

Have a cup while you FReep !

For those who prefer hot chocolate.....

[snippy_about_it]

Thank you folks at PDN! Welcome to the Canteen.

[snippy_about_it]

These are funny. I have an idea your jokes posted will be the hit of the day. Thank you for your service and support of the Canteen.

[bkwells]

Good morning fellow FReepers and Canteener's (is that a word?)

Busy, Busy out here. I saw a bunch of those SEAL Mark V boats (tomkow had pics of them the other day) operating very near us yesterday. I didn't get any pics myself though :(

Kathy: You have FReepmail and glad to hear you are feeling better!

Yes, snippy, you can believe the weather forecasters... at least most of the time :)

What's up with Maine??? I used to be stationed there.... If I ever caught wind that a teacher was doing that to my kid, she/he would have to talk with my good friend Mr. Ruger!

Great news on the Support out TROOPS rallies! That's such a good sight to see!

Did everyone get a chance to see the slide show that snippy and HiJinx was able to post? It's HERE if you didn't get chance yet. It's really awesome! Thanks HiJinx for making this available! OK, now for some funnies:

MARINES, GOTTA LOVE EM'

I thought you'd get a kick out of this letter received by the parents of an American Marine.........read to the end.

Dear Dad, A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp Bondsteel (Bosnia): A French army officer walked up to me in the PX, and told me he thought we (Americans) were a bunch of cowboys and were going to provoke a war in Iraq. He said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be able to count on the support of France.

I told him that it didn't surprise me. Since we had come to France's rescue in World War I, World War II, Vietnam, and the Cold War, their ingratitude and jealousy was due to surface at some point in the near future anyway.

I also told him that is why France is a third-rate military power with a socialist economy and a bunch of schmucks for soldiers. I additionally told him that America, being a nation of deeds and action, not words, would do whatever it had to do, and France's support was only for show anyway. Just like in ALL NATO exercises, the US would shoulder 85% of the burden, as evidenced by the fact that this French officer was shopping in the American PX, and not the other way around.

He began to get belligerent at that point, and I told him if he would like to, I would meet him outside in front of the Burger King and whip his ass in front of the entire Multi-National Brigade East, thus demonstrating that even the smallest American had more fight in them than the average Frenchman.

He called me a barbarian cowboy and walked away in a huff.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Tell Mom I love her,

Your loving daughter,

Mary Beth Johnson
Lt.Col., USMC

***************

An Irish Toast (PG-13) John O'Reilly hoisted his beer down at the pub and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me lovely wife!"

This, of course won him top prize for best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, "Mary I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, and what was your toast?"

John, somewhat stretching the truth, said "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church besides me wife." Oh, that's very nice, John," Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly, and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."

She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself, you know he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

************** GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in. . .what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me. . .they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

*************

Here's a few on the more serious side:

A young soldier was in his bunkhouse all alone one Sunday morning over in Afghanistan. It was quiet that day, the guns and the mortars, and land mines for some reason hadn't made a noise. The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the holiest day of the week.

As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk. Just then an army sergeant camein and said,

"Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?" The soldier replied, "I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord."

The sergeant said, "Looks like you're going to play cards. " The soldier said, "No sir, you see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country, I've decided to talk to the Lord by studying this deck of cards."

The sergeant asked in disbelief, "How will you do that?"

You see the Ace, Sergeant, it reminds that there is only one God.
The Two represents the two parts of the Bible,
Old and New Testaments. The Three represents the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
The Four stands for the Four Apostles: Mathew, Mark Luke, and John.
The Five is for the five virgins that were ten but only five of them were glorified.
The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth.
The Seven is for the day God rested after working the six days.
The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives, in which God saved the eight people from the flood that destroyed the earth for the first time.
The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy. He cleansed ten but nine never thanked Him.
The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone.
The Jack is a reminder of Satan. One of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell.
The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary.
The King stands for Jesus, for he is the King of all kings.
When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.
There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week, 52 weeks in a year.
The four suits represents the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.
Each suit has thirteen cards, there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.
So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for."
The sergeant just stood there and after a minute, with tears in his eyes and pain in his heart, he said, "Soldier, can I borrow that deck of cards?"

**************** Last one

"DO NOT FORGET"

I sat in a movie theater watching "Schindler's List," asked myself, "Why didn't the Jews fight back?"

Now I know why.

I sat in a movie theater, watching "Pearl Harbor" and asked myself, "Why weren't we prepared?"

Now I know why.

Civilized people cannot fathom, much less predict, the actions of evil people.

On September 11, dozens of capable airplane passengers allowed themselves to be overpowered by a handful of poorly armed terrorists because they did not comprehend the depth of hatred that motivated their captors.

On September 11, thousands of innocent people were murdered because too many Americans naively reject the reality that some nations are dedicated to the dominance of others. Many political pundits, pacifists and media personnel want us to forget the carnage. They say we must focus on the bravery of the rescuers and ignore the cowardice of the killers. They implore us to understand the motivation of the perpetrators. Major television stations have announced they will assist the healing process by not replaying devastating footage of the planes crashing into the Twin Towers.

I will not be manipulated.

I will not pretend to understand.

I will not forget.

I will not forget the liberal media who abused freedom of the press to kick our country when it was vulnerable and hurting.

I will not forget that CBS anchor Dan Rather preceded President Bush's address to the nation with the snide remark, "No matter how you feel about him, he is still our president."

I will not forget that ABC TV anchor Peter Jennings (A Canadian believe it or not!) questioned President Bush's motives for not returning immediately to Washington, DC and commented, "We're all pretty skeptical and cynical about Washington."

And I will not forget that ABC's Mark Halperin warned if reporters weren't informed of every little detail of this war, they aren't "likely -- nor should they be expected -- to show deference."

I will not isolate myself from my fellow Americans by pretending an attack on the USS Cole in Yemen was not an attack on the United States of America.

I will not forget the Clinton administration equipped Islamic terrorists and their supporters with the world's most sophisticated telecommunications equipment and encryption technology, thereby compromising America's ability to trace terrorist radio, cell phone, land lines, faxes and modem communications.

I will not be appeased with pointless, quick retaliatory strikes like those perfected by the previous administration.

I will not be comforted by "feel-good, do nothing" regulations like the silly "Have your bags been under your control?" question at the airport.

I will not be influenced by so called,"antiwar demonstrators" who exploit the right of expression to chant anti-American obscenities.

I will not forget the moral victory handed the North Vietnamese by American war protesters who reviled and spat upon the returning Soldiers, Airmen, Sailors and Marines.

I will not be softened by the wishful thinking of pacifists who chose reassurance over reality.

I will embrace the wise words of Prime Minister Tony Blair who told Labor Party conference, "They have no moral inhibition on the slaughter of the innocent. If they could have murdered not 7,000 but 70,000, does anyone doubt they would have done so and rejoiced in it?

There is no compromise possible with such people, no meeting of minds, no point of understanding with such terror. Just a choice: defeat it or be defeated by it. And defeat it we must!"

I will force myself to:

-hear the weeping
-feel the helplessness
-imagine the terror
-sense the panic
-smell the burning flesh
- experience the loss
- remember the hatred.

I sat in a movie theater, watching "Private Ryan" and asked myself, "Where did they find the courage?"

Now I know.

We have no choice. Living without liberty is not living.

-- Ed Evans, MGySgt., USMC (Ret.)
Not as lean, Not as mean, But still a Marine. Keep this going until every living American has read it and memorized it so we don't make the same mistake again.

[southerngrit]

Morning to All.

I promise I'm going to read this entire thread and may actually be able to contribute for a change...just as soon as I can keep my eyelids open.