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Man Sues Himself For Making His Life Hell
Yahoo.com ^ | March 18, 2003

Posted on 03/18/2003 9:20:21 PM PST by Sweet_Sunflower29

BELTON, Tex. -- Randy Burcheon has filed a whopping $250,000 lawsuit against himself -- for making his life a living hell! "Mr. Burcheon suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder," explains Simon Eggert, Burcheon's attorney. "Five of his six personalities are kind, considerate people.

"But the sixth -- an unemployed, alcoholic bully known as Larry -- is constantly causing trouble and destroying anything good that happens in my client's life. This has been going on for more than 10 years, and it's time for it to stop."

According to Burcheon, Larry's dastardly deeds include:

>Sexually harassing his girlfriend. Yelling obscenities at Burcheon's supervisor during an important business meeting. Running up thousands of dollars in charges on Burcheon's credit card at area liquor stores and strip joints. Subscribing to dozens of disgusting German porno magazines. Writing threatening letters to the President, which resulted in an angry visit from the Secret Service. "Larry has ruined my life and he should pay for that," says Burcheon, a 35-year-old tax accountant.

"Enough is enough!"

However, Larry says the allegations against him are false, and he intends to vigorously defend himself in court.

In fact, he has even gone so far as to hire his own lawyer.

"Randy's lying through his teeth," says Larry.

"I never did any of those things he's accusing me of. Personally, I think he's dragging me to court simply because his girlfriend finds me more attractive than him. He's just plain jealous."

Experts say the suit is a legal first, and they are monitoring it very closely.

"To the best of my knowledge, no one has ever successfully sued himself in a court of law," notes a Dallas-based law scholar who asked not to be identified.

"If Randy Burcheon actually wins this thing, it could have far-reaching legal consequences. Pretty soon, people will be suing themselves over all sorts of silly things. It'll reduce the legal system to chaos."

Despite his client's detractors, Eggert believes they have a solid case. "The law is on our side," he says. "All five of Randy's good personalities have agreed to testify against Larry. We're going to win this hands down, I'm certain of it."

Burcheon is not a wealthy man, so if Randy wins the suit, the settlement would have to come from Larry's insurance policy. Nervous insurance agents are hoping the case gets thrown out of court.

One agent notes, "If it gets through the courts, this would be the first time in history a claim was paid out to a man who filed against himself."


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Government; Miscellaneous; News/Current Events; US: Texas
KEYWORDS:
An idiots idiot...
1 posted on 03/18/2003 9:20:21 PM PST by Sweet_Sunflower29
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
Perhaps two or more of his 5 good personalities would consent to signing themselves in for psychiatric treatments
2 posted on 03/18/2003 9:24:03 PM PST by Keith in Iowa (get the US out of the UN & the UN out of the US)
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
This sounds like a Weekly World News bulletin.
3 posted on 03/18/2003 9:24:39 PM PST by HHFi
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
This man should be fined for filing a frivolous lawsuit.
4 posted on 03/18/2003 9:25:13 PM PST by Paleo Conservative (Go Al Go!)
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
OK...this is a joke right? ROTFLMBO.
5 posted on 03/18/2003 9:25:40 PM PST by griffin
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
The Onion couldn't have written this better.
6 posted on 03/18/2003 9:26:26 PM PST by sd-joe
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To: HHFi
Yep. Clicked on the link and it's from the Weekly World News. Some of the finest comedy writing in America. I have a fellow comedy writer friend who sold them a story once. Amusing, but not real.
7 posted on 03/18/2003 9:26:31 PM PST by HHFi
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
"Randy's lying through his teeth," says Larry.

And evidently through your teeth, too, Larry.

8 posted on 03/18/2003 9:27:26 PM PST by jigsaw
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
If you believed that story from the Weekly World News...

... you may want to send me $20,000 to invest for you, 100% return guaranteed.

9 posted on 03/18/2003 9:27:39 PM PST by tictoc (100% for me, that is...)
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
Burcheon is not a wealthy man, so if Randy wins the suit, the settlement would have to come from Larry's insurance policy.

Easy money Larry or opportunistic Randy.

10 posted on 03/18/2003 9:27:40 PM PST by abner (www.usflagballoon.com.)
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To: savedbygrace
Saving this one for later.
11 posted on 03/18/2003 9:29:15 PM PST by savedbygrace
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
This one deserves a:

Just damn.

12 posted on 03/18/2003 9:29:20 PM PST by CheneyChick (Lock & Load)
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
Just think, if he wins, he's going to have to find six jobs in order to pay himself off.
13 posted on 03/18/2003 9:29:42 PM PST by SamAdams76 (California wine beats French wine in blind taste tests)
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
"If Randy Burcheon actually wins this thing, it could have far-reaching legal consequences. Pretty soon, people will be suing themselves over all sorts of silly things. It'll reduce the legal system to chaos."

Uh, the "legal system" has already collapsed. Justice has long since ended as a phenomenon.

We are left with a vast money machine transferring wealth from those who are honest to the lawyer industry.

14 posted on 03/18/2003 9:30:22 PM PST by friendly
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
Does he have to pay two attorneys?
15 posted on 03/18/2003 9:30:25 PM PST by paul51
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
"He who represents himself has a fool for a client -- and an even bigger fool for an attorney."

What of the man who sues himself? <|:)~
16 posted on 03/18/2003 9:31:16 PM PST by martin_fierro (FRUCK FANCE!)
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
I might be crazy, but just what if he sued himself and won.....and his insurance picked up the tab and awarded damages as compensation?

Honestly, you wouldn't believe the lawsuits in the court system - esp. small claims court.

17 posted on 03/18/2003 9:41:47 PM PST by stainlessbanner
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
The voices are telling me to sue!
18 posted on 03/18/2003 9:43:43 PM PST by stainlessbanner
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
Based on the title of the article, this case may be eligible for class action status here in CA!
19 posted on 03/18/2003 9:47:51 PM PST by ScottinSacto
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To: Paleo Conservative
Actually both lawyers should be sanctioned by the Bar.
20 posted on 03/18/2003 10:22:07 PM PST by airedale
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
Sounds like Larry is 'the weakest link'. ;-)
21 posted on 03/18/2003 10:27:54 PM PST by Anomaly in Illinois (Let the bombing begin in five minutes.......(never forget))
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
In fact, he has even gone so far as to hire his own lawyer

Doesn't he need two lawyers?

22 posted on 03/18/2003 10:43:48 PM PST by Mister Baredog ((They wanted to kill 50,000 of us on 9/11, we will never forget!))
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To: HHFi
They once published a story about a woman killed when she mistook a bunch of helium-filled inflatable dolls rising up in the air and the driver of the car carrying them -- who supposedly looked like Jesus (and was wearing a toga for a costume party) -- waving his arms around as they rose up away from him. Interestingly enough, that story was passed around as a "true story" on the Internet, even though it was an urban legend written by Elroy Willis (for the satirical "Evil Atheist Press", and he never tried to pass it off as truth; someone saw it in alt.atheism and didn't realise that it was a joke). Sadly, he never received any royalties, so they effectively plagarized his work.
23 posted on 03/18/2003 10:44:44 PM PST by Dimensio
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To: stainlessbanner
There was a true (or so I heard) story of a man who did actually try to sue himself for at least one million dollars for negligence. He said that because he couldn't afford it that the state should pay it to him.

He was laughed out of court, IIRC.
24 posted on 03/18/2003 10:47:29 PM PST by Dimensio
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To: tictoc
I saw that in Weekly World News last week. I once bought one of those mags and took it to work, its humor lasted for months.

The last issue had Saddam in a dress and gettin it on with beach boys. It's a collectors edition.
25 posted on 03/18/2003 10:52:40 PM PST by gortklattu
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To: Sweet_Sunflower29
First the Counter Clinton Library, now this. How come it`s always other people who come up with the greatest ideas of all time and not me!
26 posted on 03/18/2003 10:56:48 PM PST by metalboy
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