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If Noah lived today.
Internet | 08/22/03 | unknown

Posted on 08/22/2003 10:40:24 AM PDT by aynfan

IF NOAH WERE ALIVE TODAY

It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: “In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.” In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. “Remember,” said the Lord, “You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year.” Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. “Noah.” He shouted, “Why isn’t the Ark completed?” “Lord please forgive me!” cried Noah. “I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won’t let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I’m building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft.” Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional. I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!” Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. “You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?” “No,” said the Lord sadly. “The government already has.”


TOPICS: Editorial; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: aclu; ark; biblical; fable; flood; irs; noah; noahsark; osha; youvegotmail

1 posted on 08/22/2003 10:40:25 AM PDT by aynfan
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To: aynfan
If Noah lived today...

...he'd be one very old coot.

2 posted on 08/22/2003 10:41:42 AM PDT by Wolfie
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To: aynfan
"Noah, how long can you tread water?"
3 posted on 08/22/2003 10:42:26 AM PDT by mhking
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To: aynfan
If Noah lived today... he'd have used paragraphs (wink)!
4 posted on 08/22/2003 10:43:47 AM PDT by alancarp (SItting Senators ought not cash in while under the public trust)
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To: Wolfie
[begin Dana Carvey grumpy old man voice]
"When I was young, we didn't have any land. We had to live on a great big boat that was loaded with animals. It smelled awful -- but we liked it!"
[/Dana Carvey grumpy old man voice]
5 posted on 08/22/2003 10:44:55 AM PDT by ClearCase_guy (France delenda est)
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To: aynfan
lol
6 posted on 08/22/2003 10:45:50 AM PDT by ibheath (Born-again and grateful to God for it.)
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To: aynfan
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard. I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the US Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.

"Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.

"The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly, "The government already has!"

7 posted on 08/22/2003 10:46:38 AM PDT by stainlessbanner
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To: mhking
"Noah, how long can you tread water?"

...RIGHT!

One of Cosby's all-time greatest routines.

8 posted on 08/22/2003 10:47:18 AM PDT by Constitutionalist Conservative (http://c-pol.com)
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Lessons Learned from Noah and the Ark


1. Don't miss the boat.
2. Try to remember that we're all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark, you know.
4. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
5. Don't listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.
6. Build your future on high ground.
7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8. Two heads are better than one.
9. Speed isn't always an advantage; after all, the snails were on board with the cheetahs.
10. When you're stressed, try floating awhile.
11. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic that was built by professionals.
12. Remember that woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than storms outside.
13. No matter what the difficulty, trust in the Almighty: There'll be a rainbow at the end of the storm.


9 posted on 08/22/2003 10:51:10 AM PDT by stainlessbanner
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To: aynfan
If Noah had lived.
10 posted on 08/22/2003 10:51:42 AM PDT by Egregious Philbin
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To: aynfan
If Noah lived today...

I figure he wouldn't be living in my neck of the woods. Here in the Mohawk Valley of New York State, it rains just about every other day at least 5 months of the year, and snows the other 7 months. I'm sure Noah's just about had it with arks and water.

11 posted on 08/22/2003 10:51:58 AM PDT by mass55th (i)
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To: aynfan
My eyes are gushing blood.
12 posted on 08/22/2003 10:52:35 AM PDT by Lazamataz (I am the extended middle finger in the fist of life.)
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To: aynfan
He would be building an 'Asbestos' ark...oh thats right
He would never get a permit to build any kind of ark let alone an asbestos one
13 posted on 08/22/2003 10:55:55 AM PDT by joesnuffy (Moderate Islam Is For Dilettantes)
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To: aynfan
That was a wonderful post! LOL.
14 posted on 08/22/2003 10:56:31 AM PDT by thatdewd
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To: mass55th
Mohawk Valley. Isn't that where they wear those funny haircuts ?
15 posted on 08/22/2003 10:59:22 AM PDT by Eric in the Ozarks
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To: aynfan
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign "Finkelstein, the Tailor." So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed but Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor." Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business!" "Would you
consider a partnership?"

"Certainly," replied Jesus, "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus, after all, I am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually-acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop.

Can you guess what it read?





Are you sure you want to know?






Here it comes...............................







Don't say you weren't warned.............







"LORD &TAYLOR"

16 posted on 08/22/2003 10:59:53 AM PDT by lilylangtree
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Comment #17 Removed by Moderator

To: aynfan
and two of every kind of living thing on the planet..

Only two? What about the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered animals?

18 posted on 08/22/2003 11:04:04 AM PDT by hang 'em (If you aren't having fun yet it's time to lower your standards)
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To: lilylangtree
That was an instant hit in the office! Thanks!
19 posted on 08/22/2003 11:06:32 AM PDT by Ol' Sox
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To: hang 'em
Only two? What about the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered animals?

Ouch! I think they evolved themselves to extinction without requring the flood.

Gum

20 posted on 08/22/2003 11:09:34 AM PDT by ChewedGum (Now where did I leave my tagline?)
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To: Ol' Sox
Your welcome. I couldn't lay my hands on any jokes re Noah so I did a substition.
21 posted on 08/22/2003 11:09:46 AM PDT by lilylangtree
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To: aynfan
There's an even funnier and more detailed version by Science Fiction author James P. Hogan, about what if God had to deal with the same bureaucracy we did.

Excerpt here

22 posted on 08/22/2003 11:31:00 AM PDT by Salgak (don't mind me: the orbital mind control lasers are making me write this. . .)
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To: aynfan
Don't know how to post a link, but here's one to a church that is actually building a modern-day Noah's Ark church!

http://www.godsark.org/index.html

23 posted on 08/22/2003 11:36:35 AM PDT by Mean Maryjean (http://www.godsark.org/index.html)
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To: lilylangtree
If Noah were alive today, he would CURSE the homosexuals for taking the very beautiful symbol God created and used (a rainbow) as a symbol of obedient love, God's promise, and the "All Clear", and making it their own pathetic symbol.

When the very Flood of old was brought about due to widespread, corrupt and disobedient human behavior, not limited to but including, that of the homosexual.

24 posted on 08/22/2003 12:03:45 PM PDT by AmericanInTokyo (We should have prioritized **NORTH KOREA**, not IRAQ. Can you spell 'mission creep'?)
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Comment #25 Removed by Moderator

To: aynfan
That Noah guy sounds like a real enviro-whacko! ;)
26 posted on 08/22/2003 12:48:49 PM PDT by Salman (Mickey Akbar)
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To: Eric in the Ozarks
"Mohawk Valley. Isn't that where they wear those funny haircuts ?"

UH, that would be Mullet Valley !!

27 posted on 08/22/2003 9:57:37 PM PDT by Ku Commando
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To: stainlessbanner
And God gave us the Rainbow as a sign to mankind that HE would NEVER destroy the earth by flood again.
28 posted on 08/22/2003 10:05:51 PM PDT by Ann Archy
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