"The most controversial thriller of the year turns out to be about as exciting as watching your parents play Sudoku." -- Washington Post.
"In the opening scene of The Da Vinci Code, an old man is gutshot by Paul Bettany, who has been covered in pancake makeup. The film then cuts to a lecture delivered by Tom Hanks as Robert Langdon, a Harvard professor of religious symbology, who is in France presenting what appears to be a version of the What is This Picture feature from Jack and Jill magazine (you know, the one where a super close-up of a weird shiny black object is revealed to be a button). As this lecture goes on the old man is dying offscreen, but not before he runs around the Louvre leaving anagrammatic messages written in the invisible ink pen he keeps on hand for any such occasion, as well as rehanging a giant framed painting he took off the wall while being chased by Bettany. Everything that follows in The Da Vinci Code is ludicrous, but nothing ever manages to top the image of this old man, bleeding profusely from his stomach, picking up and rehanging a huge painting.." -- CHUD
"Bad enough to offend even an atheist" -- Chuck O'Leary
"It's sad to admit it, but those who would have the movie banned might have actually have done the ticket-buyers a favor." -- Rebecca Murray
"Catholic writer Mark Shea tells an anecdote about a college bull session among students at Central Washington University over The Da Vinci Code. Even if its just fiction, a student opined, its still interesting to think about. To which another student replied: Your mothers a whore. And then, to the first students stunned incredulity, he added, And even if thats just fiction, its still interesting to think about." -- Decent Films Guide
"Paint dries faster, and leaves you feeling less violated"
"Howard's relentlessly gloomy tone leaves viewers sleeping on the edge of their seats" -- Dan Lynbarger
And I couldn't find this one again to source it, but it was a beaut which I must paraphrase: "If a movie can't even make a self-flaggelating assassin albino monk fun...?"
"You know a movie's a dud when even its self-flagellating albino killer monk isn't any fun. "
-- John Beifuss, COMMERCIAL APPEAL (MEMPHIS, TN)
"Retarded, ridiculous and crushingly dull."
-- Devin Faraci, CHUD
"For people who insist that the movie is never as good as the book, your case just got stronger."
-- Matt Pais, METROMIX.COM
" "That it is risible and dim-witted doesn't make it less disgusting."
-- Steven D. Greydanus, DECENT FILMS GUIDE