We are dead in out sins, dead to the things of God. We don't want God. Don't want salvation. In fact we are at war with Him.
Allow me to refer you to the Westminster Confession of Faith:
Chapter IXThe Scriptural references are available at this site. I'm under the weather or I would have hyperlinked in the above them for you.
Of Free Will
I. God has endued the will of man with that natural liberty, that is neither forced, nor, by any absolute necessity of nature, determined good, or evil.
II. Man, in his state of innocency, had freedom, and power to will and to do that which was good and well pleasing to God; but yet, mutably, so that he might fall from it.
III. Man, by his fall into a state of sin, has wholly lost all ability of will to any spiritual good accompanying salvation: so as, a natural man, being altogether averse from that good, and dead in sin, is not able, by his own strength, to convert himself, or to prepare himself thereunto.
IV. When God converts a sinner, and translates him into the state of grace, He frees him from his natural bondage under sin; and, by His grace alone, enables him freely to will and to do that which is spiritually good; yet so, as that by reason of his remaining corruption, he does not perfectly, or only, will that which is good, but does also will that which is evil.
V. The will of man is made perfectly and immutably free to do good alone in the state of glory only.
Thanks. That passage from the Westminster Confession was helpful for understanding more your (and others’) faith.
Hope you feel better soon.
Feel better, GC.