Skip to comments.How Many Light Bulbs? (Work with me here.)
Posted on 01/08/2003 1:46:07 PM PST by Jael
Go to the body of the comment. I don't have time to code this. :-)
1. How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.
3. How many Arminians does it take to change a light bulb? All. They need everyone to make sure it stays on. One can never really be sure.
4. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? Change???
5. How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a bulb? No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and dark.
6. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
7. How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.
8. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.
9. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? None. They always use candles.
10. How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb? One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
11. How many members of an established fundamental Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb? One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.
12. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted-all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. "
13. How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? "What's a light bulb?"
14. How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb? Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.
15. How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? 109. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Subcommittee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee Executive of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which Hardware Store has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who, then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
Not an issue as we are predestined to walk in the light :>)
In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created He them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained five pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And then Satan created HMOs.
None, they changed it back in A D 70. :)
How many Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
[this answer works best when gasped in a heavy and horrified Slavic, Greek or Russian accent] Change?
Amen! sister Amen! Preach it!!
10. Say to him that God doesn't have a sense of humor because He already knows all the punchlines.
9. Ask him how God can delight in anything, seeing that He's already been there and done that.
8. Tell him that God is limited because only man can know the experience of surprise.
7. Suggest that there is no Trinity because The Holy Spirit can be resisted while the Father is sovereign.
6. Argue that missionaries are, by their definition, unbelievers.
5. Agree with them that it IS the will of God that any should be lost.
4. Depict God as bored, because he not only has already read the book, he probably wrote it Himself.
3. Affirm that there is no dualism in man - that he is the same in flesh, soul, and spirit.
2. Argue that God is bound by time since He started His creation "in the beginning."
1. Suggest that Jesus probably put his pants on one leg at a time.
Four. Because if the Pope doesn't let them change the light bulb, all light itself will die.
How many Feeneyites does it take to change a light bulb?
None; all you need is a light bulb change of desire.
How many sedevacantists does it take to change a light bulb?
What bulb? There hasn't been one since 1958.
I liked this one, Mack.
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there were seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."
How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. He holds the lightbulb up and the lightbulb actually physically becomes light itself. This is called transillumination and it's completely Biblical!
Who cares? We'll be gone before the light goes out anyway (which by the way could happen at any moment)!
How many evangelicals does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to change, two to hold the ladder, and one to bring the green bean casserole.
How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Sixteen. One to change and his fifteen wives to be by his side, all of course members of the Church of Thomas Edison of Latter-Day Electricians.
working on more...
A: 30. One to change the bulb & 29 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb.
Q: How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb in a synagogue?
A: CHANGE? You vant we should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!!!
Q: How many Messianic "jews" does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They will borrow their neighbor's old bulb, rename it "yeshuvalit" and try to convince everyone else that it's really a new bulb.
Q: How many Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it must have The Rebbe's supervision.
A. None. "Don't worry about your mother. You go have a good time. I'll just sit here in the dark, again. Alone."
Might have been one of these:
Contrary to what Jael said, it takes just one. And the Calvinist does it to the glory of God.
I realize that this isn't especially funny, but neither is the idolatrous mess Jael is in.
Chill out little buddy, I didn't write that, someone else did. But it was funny.
What mess am I in?
Arminianism is the Lie of Eden masquerading as the gospel.
Beware of this. Also, beware of shaping your faith as a potentially hollow anti-Romanism.
That being said, I maintain that you ought to go back and face the music of all the arguments which OP offered. He was correct. You had no Scripturally objective answers to any of them. You just griped and called him a heretic.
(Now, why do you suppose that is? Are you a Romanist at heart after all? [grin])
You don't know enough to understand what an Arminian is, I'm afraid.
And GET OVER THE INFANT BAPTIZING!!!!!! It's no good!
Now, you please watch my lips. I am a Baptist, not a Presbyterian. (You don't pay attention very well, do you?)
And your OP friend stoped answering when I refuted all of his posting which was bastardizing Scripture.
I read your exchange with OP. You refuted nothing he said. As I recall, you just threw a few irrelevant "proof-text" ideas and some confused allegations at him. You did this to avoid directly addressing what he was really saying.
You need to relax and notice what OP was saying. You need to notice that his theology of conversion of the sovereignty of God is correct--and that you ought to be quiet and learn.
Now, go play somewhere else and get a life. Or I will be forced to post to you over and over again "Whosoever Believeth" until you start believing God.
OP and I both believe the "Whosoever will" passages. John 3:16 happens to be one of my favorite verses for reasons which you would not be inclined to understand. Your problem at this point is that you don't know how precious the free offer of the gospel is to a Calvinist. This is because you don't understand the theology contained in God's Word very well. You just think you do.
That's why you are stuck right where you are.