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How Many Light Bulbs? (Work with me here.)
unknown, put probably a fundy

Posted on 01/08/2003 1:46:07 PM PST by Jael

Go to the body of the comment. I don't have time to code this. :-)


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Changing Light Bulbs

1. How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.

3. How many Arminians does it take to change a light bulb? All. They need everyone to make sure it stays on. One can never really be sure.

4. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? Change???

5. How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a bulb? No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and dark.

6. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

7. How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.

8. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

9. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? None. They always use candles.

10. How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb? One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

11. How many members of an established fundamental Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb? One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

12. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted-all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. "

13. How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? "What's a light bulb?"

14. How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb? Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.

15. How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? 109. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Subcommittee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee Executive of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which Hardware Store has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who, then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.

-Author unknown

1 posted on 01/08/2003 1:46:07 PM PST by Jael
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To: Jael; al_c; SoothingDave; PayNoAttentionManBehindCurtain; RnMomof7; Bobby777; Bob Z.; ksen; ...
Proverbs 15:15  ¶All the days of the afflicted are evil: but he that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast.


Much better than a moveable feast!!!
2 posted on 01/08/2003 1:53:58 PM PST by Jael (See? I DO have a sense of humor!!)
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To: Jael
The SBC I attend voted to get an interim light bulb until a the trustees could select a new light bulb. Now our interim light bulb is almost burned out!
3 posted on 01/08/2003 1:54:15 PM PST by Bat_Chemist (We fire pianists for working in bars...imagine!)
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To: Jael
How many Calvinists does it take to change a light Bulb?

Not an issue as we are predestined to walk in the light :>)

4 posted on 01/08/2003 1:56:32 PM PST by RnMomof7 (Jhn 8:36 If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.)
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To: Jael
this is something I've been wanting to post for some time. I just haven't found the right forum, until now....

The Struggle

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created He them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained five pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And then Satan created HMOs.

5 posted on 01/08/2003 1:59:10 PM PST by ponyespresso
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To: RnMomof7
That was good!!!
6 posted on 01/08/2003 2:05:14 PM PST by Jael (Habakkuk 2:14  For the earth shall be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the LORD)
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To: ponyespresso
Funny, funny funny!!!
7 posted on 01/08/2003 2:15:21 PM PST by bonfire
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To: Bat_Chemist
Sounds like the SBC!!
8 posted on 01/08/2003 2:16:07 PM PST by Jael (Luke 19:10  For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost.)
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To: ponyespresso
THat one i bet could be added on too!
9 posted on 01/08/2003 2:24:01 PM PST by Jael (Luke 19:10  For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost.)
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To: Jael
read later
10 posted on 01/08/2003 2:58:06 PM PST by LiteKeeper
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To: Jael
How many Preterist does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they changed it back in A D 70. :)

BigMack

11 posted on 01/08/2003 3:02:40 PM PST by PayNoAttentionManBehindCurtain
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To: Jael
How many Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows! We still use candles.
12 posted on 01/08/2003 3:03:23 PM PST by newberger
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To: Jael
How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. One to say the opening prayer, one to change the bulb, two to bring the refreshments, and one to say the closing prayer.
13 posted on 01/08/2003 3:06:42 PM PST by Luna
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To: newberger
Ummmm, I didn't read Jael's Catholic version.

Oops! Some Ortho's will not like me for duplicating a
Roman joke. I was going to answer:

Change?

But that's taken by Baptists. :-(

So I'll try again.

They say that there are two paths to change in Orthodoxy.
The fast route takes 400 years.

So the answer to "How many Orthodox does it take to change
a lightbulb is: "Ten, if you are in a hurry. One for each
of the ten generations you'll have to wait".

P.S. All lightbulb changers must be male.
14 posted on 01/08/2003 3:32:16 PM PST by newberger
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To: All
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and one not to change it.
15 posted on 01/08/2003 3:47:34 PM PST by cebadams
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To: All
How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb? You cannot change a light bulb. By nature, it will go out again.
16 posted on 01/08/2003 3:48:46 PM PST by cebadams
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To: All
How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But they are still in darkness.
17 posted on 01/08/2003 3:51:18 PM PST by cebadams
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To: cebadams
How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three, but they're really only one.
18 posted on 01/08/2003 3:57:28 PM PST by cebadams
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To: All
How many agnostics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Agnostics question whether light bulbs really exist.

19 posted on 01/08/2003 4:02:50 PM PST by cebadams
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To: Luna; Wrigley
***How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?***

Although the answer is posted on anti-LDS websites, Mormons can't discuss that answer publically since it is a part ot "sacred" (read... "secret") Temple ritual.
20 posted on 01/08/2003 4:43:12 PM PST by drstevej
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To: All
How many Pagans does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that light bulbs never burned out before those damned Christians came along.
21 posted on 01/08/2003 4:52:15 PM PST by cebadams
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To: newberger; Jael; FormerLib; RnMomof7
The way that really goes is like this:

How many Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?

[this answer works best when gasped in a heavy and horrified Slavic, Greek or Russian accent] Change?

22 posted on 01/08/2003 4:52:42 PM PST by Chancellor Palpatine (Yes, I'm a statist neocon RINO imperialist. Do you gotta problem with that?)
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To: Chancellor Palpatine
I meant Slavic, Greek or Arabic accent.....
23 posted on 01/08/2003 4:53:34 PM PST by Chancellor Palpatine (Yes, I'm a statist neocon RINO imperialist. Do you gotta problem with that?)
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To: All
How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you want it changed into?
24 posted on 01/08/2003 4:55:03 PM PST by cebadams
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To: All
How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!
25 posted on 01/08/2003 5:13:55 PM PST by cebadams
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To: RnMomof7
Not an issue as we are predestined to walk in the light :>)

Amen! sister Amen! Preach it!!

26 posted on 01/08/2003 5:30:00 PM PST by sola gracia
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To: All
How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.



How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look for Salman Rushdie in the dark.


How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty about having to call the cleaning lady.



How many zionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four - one to stay home and try to convinve someone else to do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in and another to proclaim that the whole Jewish nation stands behind their actions.




How many scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but if you want a cleared bulb it'll take years and years and set you back a quarter million bucks.




How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
27 posted on 01/08/2003 5:45:54 PM PST by cebadams
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To: Chancellor Palpatine
LOL I get it
28 posted on 01/08/2003 5:49:11 PM PST by RnMomof7 (Jhn 8:36 If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.)
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To: drstevej
LOL. Very nice.
29 posted on 01/08/2003 5:56:29 PM PST by Wrigley (GoCubsGo)
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To: All
What do you get when you cross a Unitarian Universalist with a Jehovah's Witness?

The answer: someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
30 posted on 01/08/2003 6:07:52 PM PST by cebadams
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To: Polycarp; pseudo-justin; saradippity; Aquinasfan; Catholicguy

Top 10 Ways to Irritate a Calvinist



10. Say to him that God doesn't have a sense of humor because He already knows all the punchlines.

9. Ask him how God can delight in anything, seeing that He's already been there and done that.

8. Tell him that God is limited because only man can know the experience of surprise.

7. Suggest that there is no Trinity because The Holy Spirit can be resisted while the Father is sovereign.

6. Argue that missionaries are, by their definition, unbelievers.

5. Agree with them that it IS the will of God that any should be lost.

4. Depict God as bored, because he not only has already read the book, he probably wrote it Himself.

3. Affirm that there is no dualism in man - that he is the same in flesh, soul, and spirit.

2. Argue that God is bound by time since He started His creation "in the beginning."

1. Suggest that Jesus probably put his pants on one leg at a time.



31 posted on 01/08/2003 6:34:20 PM PST by cebadams
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To: Polycarp; Catholicguy
How many Lefebvrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. Because if the Pope doesn't let them change the light bulb, all light itself will die.

How many Feeneyites does it take to change a light bulb?

None; all you need is a light bulb change of desire.

How many sedevacantists does it take to change a light bulb?

What bulb? There hasn't been one since 1958.

32 posted on 01/08/2003 6:46:22 PM PST by Loyalist (Not appearing at a Yuk Yuk's near you!)
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To: PayNoAttentionManBehindCurtain
How many Preterist does it take to change a light bulb? None, they changed it back in A D 70. :)

I liked this one, Mack.

33 posted on 01/08/2003 6:51:29 PM PST by the808bass
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To: the808bass
This is dedicated to you all you bumper-sticker Christians.

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there were seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

~Author Unknown~

34 posted on 01/08/2003 6:59:26 PM PST by the808bass
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To: Luna
What about one to wash the temple underwear garments?
35 posted on 01/08/2003 7:18:49 PM PST by Jael (Howyd!!!)
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To: PayNoAttentionManBehindCurtain
Number 11, VERY good!!!
36 posted on 01/08/2003 7:27:36 PM PST by Jael
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To: newberger
That was funny!
37 posted on 01/08/2003 7:28:12 PM PST by Jael
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To: cebadams
You are pretty good at this!!
38 posted on 01/08/2003 7:29:24 PM PST by Jael
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To: Jael; RnMomof7; nobdysfool; the_doc; EthanNorth
There was a similar thread last year sometime with many of these jokes. I wish I could find that thread...there were some good ones. My contribution:

How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. He holds the lightbulb up and the lightbulb actually physically becomes light itself. This is called transillumination and it's completely Biblical!

39 posted on 01/08/2003 7:38:28 PM PST by Frumanchu
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To: Jael; RnMomof7; nobdysfool; the_doc; EthanNorth
How many pre-tribbers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who cares? We'll be gone before the light goes out anyway (which by the way could happen at any moment)!

How many evangelicals does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four. One to change, two to hold the ladder, and one to bring the green bean casserole.

How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Sixteen. One to change and his fifteen wives to be by his side, all of course members of the Church of Thomas Edison of Latter-Day Electricians.

working on more...

40 posted on 01/08/2003 7:48:53 PM PST by Frumanchu
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To: PayNoAttentionManBehindCurtain
Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 30. One to change the bulb & 29 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb.


Q: How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb in a synagogue?

A: CHANGE? You vant we should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!!!


Q: How many Messianic "jews" does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. They will borrow their neighbor's old bulb, rename it "yeshuvalit" and try to convince everyone else that it's really a new bulb.


Q: How many Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, but it must have The Rebbe's supervision.

41 posted on 01/08/2003 8:07:30 PM PST by malakhi
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To: PayNoAttentionManBehindCurtain
Q. How many people does it take to change a light bulb for one Jewish mother?

A. None. "Don't worry about your mother. You go have a good time. I'll just sit here in the dark, again. Alone."

42 posted on 01/08/2003 8:11:09 PM PST by malakhi
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To: Frumanchu
There was a similar thread last year sometime with many of these jokes. I wish I could find that thread...there were some good ones.

Might have been one of these:

How Many Church People Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

How many choir members does it take to change a light bulb?

43 posted on 01/08/2003 8:13:45 PM PST by Larry Lucido
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To: Frumanchu
And don't forget this classic:

How Many FReepers Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? (A little rant )

44 posted on 01/08/2003 8:15:44 PM PST by Larry Lucido
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To: Frumanchu; Jael; RnMomof7
How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?

Contrary to what Jael said, it takes just one. And the Calvinist does it to the glory of God.

I realize that this isn't especially funny, but neither is the idolatrous mess Jael is in.

45 posted on 01/08/2003 10:05:04 PM PST by the_doc
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To: the_doc
but neither is the idolatrous mess Jael is in.

Chill out little buddy, I didn't write that, someone else did. But it was funny.

What mess am I in?

46 posted on 01/08/2003 10:13:21 PM PST by Jael
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To: Jael; RnMomof7; OrthodoxPresbyterian
What mess am I in?

Arminianism is the Lie of Eden masquerading as the gospel.

Beware of this. Also, beware of shaping your faith as a potentially hollow anti-Romanism.

That being said, I maintain that you ought to go back and face the music of all the arguments which OP offered. He was correct. You had no Scripturally objective answers to any of them. You just griped and called him a heretic.

(Now, why do you suppose that is? Are you a Romanist at heart after all? [grin])

47 posted on 01/08/2003 10:21:23 PM PST by the_doc
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To: the_doc
Watch my lips. I am not Arminian. And your OP friend stoped answering when I refuted all of his posting which was bastardizing Scripture.

Now, go play somewhere else and get a life. Or I will be forced to post to you over and over again "Whosoever Believeth" until you start believing God.

And GET OVER THE INFANT BAPTIZING!!!!!! It's no good!

I have one, eternal in Jesus. Amen!
48 posted on 01/08/2003 10:33:00 PM PST by Jael
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To: Jael; OrthodoxPresbyterian; RnMomof7
Watch my lips. I am not Arminian.

You don't know enough to understand what an Arminian is, I'm afraid.

And GET OVER THE INFANT BAPTIZING!!!!!! It's no good!

Now, you please watch my lips. I am a Baptist, not a Presbyterian. (You don't pay attention very well, do you?)

And your OP friend stoped answering when I refuted all of his posting which was bastardizing Scripture.

I read your exchange with OP. You refuted nothing he said. As I recall, you just threw a few irrelevant "proof-text" ideas and some confused allegations at him. You did this to avoid directly addressing what he was really saying.

You need to relax and notice what OP was saying. You need to notice that his theology of conversion of the sovereignty of God is correct--and that you ought to be quiet and learn.

Now, go play somewhere else and get a life. Or I will be forced to post to you over and over again "Whosoever Believeth" until you start believing God.

OP and I both believe the "Whosoever will" passages. John 3:16 happens to be one of my favorite verses for reasons which you would not be inclined to understand. Your problem at this point is that you don't know how precious the free offer of the gospel is to a Calvinist. This is because you don't understand the theology contained in God's Word very well. You just think you do.

That's why you are stuck right where you are.

49 posted on 01/08/2003 10:59:52 PM PST by the_doc
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To: the_doc
Arminius and I have nothing in common. Despite all of the Calvinist men followers effors, no one is able to make me something I am not, which is Arminian. But, since you seem to like knocking yourself out, keep saying I am Arminian over and over again. It won't change the fact that I am not, but it will probably comfort you greatly.

Now, when you or your little friend op figure out what things like "spiritual things" are, and other passages of Scripture which speak to the saved man (not the unsaved) come back and saddle up again.

Until then, hasta la vista little buddy.
50 posted on 01/08/2003 11:24:15 PM PST by Jael
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