Hillary and Terry McAuliffe, proud owners of a new Chappaqua residence.
A FRIEND who lives in Chappaqua called in a panic about his new neighbors.
Jeff, who relocated from the Upper East Side with his wife and two young daughters last year, lives on a shady street a couple of short blocks from what will most likely be the Clinton's post-White House home.
I expected that Jeff, a pragmatic lawyer, would rail about the possibility of increased traffic or a negative impact on his property value. But he had a far more personal - and pressing - concern:
How would the presence of the priapic ex-president affect his marriage?
"Clinton's already proven he likes big-breasted dark-haired women," he told me, only half-joking.
"I don't want that guy prowling around the neighborhood and hitting on my wife!"
I suggested that Jeff and Chappaqua husbands like him - who commute to the city while their spouses care for the kids - lobby for legislation requiring they be informed when serial adulterers like Clinton move into their area.
"You can call it Monica's Law," I said.
It was admittedly a tasteless joke. But when the president's aimless ex-girlfriend suddenly resurfaces as a cutesy-handbag designer and relocates to Greenwich Village, just a Metro North ride away from her former lover and his wife - cheap humor seems the order of the day.
In fact, the first couple's real-estate search - which reportedly ended with their $1.7-million offer for the Dutch Colonial at 15 Old House Lane - seemed slapstick from the beginning. Bankers and mortgage brokers (including my own) dissected the presidential finances on national TV, while the New York Senate candidate dragged her husband, daughter and even her aging mother all over Westchester County - playing the suburban wife she thinks some voters would like her to be.
Meanwhile, beaming Bill - who presumably added value at each stop by turning on faucets, flushing toilets and performing other guy duties - worked the adoring crowds outside, shaking hands and cracking jokes about becoming the "first neighbor."
But for some Chappaqua residents, the impending arrival of the First Couple is no laughing matter.
Cars are already slowing down along Route 117 as curious tourists and natives search for the Clintons' future abode. Rumors have already started circulating that a large fence may be built at the end of their street.
"What if you don't want to live in a gated community?" lamented one woman.
The excitement and cachet of living in a presidential neighborhood -which some hope will translate into higher home prices - quickly wears off when you consider the possible security risks.
Jeff's wife fears that restless Bill, who will have a lot of free time on his hands, could become a frequent visitor to the local shopping district.
"What if there's an assassination attempt while I'm getting coffee at Starbucks?" she asked.
Her husband wonders if the president will try to make friends by hanging out at the new Banana Republic for women. A divorced buddy of Jeff's who lives very close to Old House Lane complains about the invasion of privacy. He fears that his own dating adventures could be caught on camera by the hordes of media that will cover Bill's new life, at least at the beginning. (Jeff points out that this single man could benefit from his proximity to post-presidential groupies.)
And then there are Chappaqua cynics who
believe the house-buying episode was a charade
and that the Clintons don't plan to spend any time
in their town anyway. A source who toured their
five-bedroom place - and rejected it for her own
family - reports that the four bathrooms were
small, and that the kitchen was so cramped you'd
have to go out for dinner. But maybe that's perfect
for the peripatetic Clintons, a couple who have
spent their political lives relying on the kindness of
generous strangers - and have never before
actually owned a house.
Well Pam, there goes the neighborhood.
That's nothing. Bill turned 4 inches into $90,000.
you're giving him too much credit.
I noticed a new personal ad appearing in the online Chappaqua local newspaper: Looking for Action
Here is how Hillary's house appeared in the Real Estate classifieds. Click on the cartoon panel to see more Hillary comix.
Thanx!
Does anyone know if the sex offender notices have been distributed?
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