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LOS ANGELES (Voter.com, Aug. 13) -- Welcome, delegates, to the Democratic Party National Convention. There’s a pudgy guy from Arkansas down here at security -- talks a lot, has a pissed- off-looking wife. They say they were invited. I wouldn’t let them in if I were you.
Clinton’s planning the only presidential library in America with a complete set of Sharon Stone videos available for lending. Gore needs to get some distance from this. Al went to a lot of trouble to find a Democratic running mate who had denounced Bill Clinton’s behavior loud and clear. I believe the choice was down to Joseph Lieberman and a city councilman from Dubuque.
But Senator Lieberman is a great pick -- ethical, decent, universally respected. There has been some foolish speculation that his orthodox religious observance of the Sabbath might hinder his ability to perform the many crucial duties of the American Vice-presidency such as going around the White House turning lights off after weekend dinner parties. Doubtless a work-around can be arranged. And Secretary of State Madeline Albright has already sent out memos asking foreign dignitaries not to die after sundown on Fridays.
Also, Senator Lieberman shows the diversity of the
Democratic Party. Although I suggest that you Democrats in Los Angeles do not
try to out-diverse the Republicans in Philadelphia. They had Li’l Kim and Elian
Gonzalez’s dad address their convention. Plus the GOP paid the network cameramen
to find the eleven people of color among the Republican delegates every time
there was a cutaway to the convention floor.
Never mind that Democrats,
actually are diverse -- Ed Koch and Jesse Jackson, Tipper Gore and Oliver Stone,
soccer moms and Dick Morris. You’re the Cat/Canary Love Association, Dogs and
Mailmen United. Those of us who aren’t Democrats are astonished. How do you
folks hold this thing together? Is it strict adherence to principle on the
issues? For instance, in Earth in the Balance, Al Gore advocates higher gasoline
prices. Happy yet, Al? Or is it just that everyone hates middle-aged white men
with little whales on their golf pants? Maybe organized labor is the unifying
force. Oh-oh, I just heard that Al and Joe had their flights to L.A. booked on
United. We’re trying to get through to them now on the Verizon cell phone.
Well, you can always let Shirley McLaine give the acceptance speech. She
says she’s been Vice President of the United States several times already --most
recently as Schuyler Colfax, 1868-1872. And that’s the wonderful thing about
holding your convention in Los Angeles. Hollywood celebrity support is just the
thing to give the Democratic Party the intellectual clarity and moral gravitas
that it needs to win in November. How’s Robert Downey, Jr., doing in jail?
Maybe the Hollywood types can get Al Gore to loosen up a little bit –
that being the other thing you need to win this election. My suggestion is to
have one of the White House interns flash Al a glimpse of her SAT scores.
By the way, is Al really that smart? He acts smart, but he acts smart
the way the captain of the football team acts when he’s given the lead role in
the high school production of The Nutty Professor. However, don’t worry about
this. Even though the GOP is, historically, the Dumb Party, it’s possible to
over-do the smart thing. If I may say two words to you: Michael Dukaukis.
Anyway, this is a really proud moment for the Democratic Party. Here we
are in the middle of the greatest financial boom in American history. And this
boom never would have happened without the Democratic Party which has made eight
years of economic growth possible by keeping people like Janet Reno, Donna
Shalala, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore out of the private sector where they could
have done real damage. Yes, trust-busting Bill Gates caused ripples on Wall
Street, but compare that to where the NASDAQ would be if Robert Reich were
running Microsoft.
And, although I’m not a Democrat myself, I want you
to know how glad I am that you Democrats have been in the Oval Office for the
past two terms. What if the American people had voted for George Bush and then
Bob Dole? We might have bombed Belgrade. We might have sent U.S. troops on
pointless forays into Haiti, Bosnia, and Kosovo. There’d be no healthcare
reform. The nation’s welfare system would have been torn asunder. And we’d
probably have some sort of half-baked WTO, NAFTA-style free trade policy.
So, please, have a swell time at the fancy movie mogul parties. And
don’t worry that, while you were gone, your Republican bosses outsourced your
jobs to overseas providers. Don’t think of yourselves as fired. Just think of
yourselves as needing to report to work next Monday in Bombay.
By the way, is Al really that smart? He acts smart, but he acts smart the way the captain of the football team acts when he’s given the lead role in the high school production of The Nutty Professor.
Oh. Oh, that is so good. My next life, I wanna be P.J. O'Rourke, or maybe just cohabit with him or something.
All the witty commentators are conservative - so are all the good-looking blonde analysts.
I couldn't agree more. What a writing style this man has. I wish I could speak with the same eloquence as P.J. and Rush!
Thanks Pokey.
Here we are in the middle of the greatest financial boom in American history. And this boom never would have happened without the Democratic Party which has made eight years of economic growth possible by keeping people like Janet Reno, Donna Shalala, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore out of the private sector where they could have done real damage.
My personal favorite.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.
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