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I'm Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD Republican.
I like big cars, big cigars and naturally big racks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I don't care about appearing compassionate. I think playing with guns doesn't make you a killer. I believe its called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I think I'm better than the homeless. I am not the real Slim Shady, so I think that I’m gonna stay seated right here in this damn comfy chair. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe or a misogynist. I am not tolerant of others because they are different. I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez’s toilet gets, I’ll still want to see it.
I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you do it in English. I like my porn without silicon. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I want to know when MTV became such crap. I think getting a hummer is sex, and every man is entitled to at least one extremely sloppy one per month. I know what the definition of is is. I think Oprah's eyes are way too far apart. I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet. I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny. I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. I’ve never mourned a dead goldfish. I don’t want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package. I believe everyone has a right to pray to their God or gods, while I pray that the test results come back negative. I think the Clippers should play in the WNBA. My heroes are Abraham Lincoln, Orson Wells, Ronald Reagan and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I think creative violence makes movies more interesting and Iraqis more dead.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake, but I still think The Rock could kick my butt. I think global warming is junk science. I’ve never owned or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-f-up already. South Park still makes me laugh. I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them. I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a PlayStation. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Rev. Jessie Jackson preaches. I think explosions are cool. I don't care where Ellen puts her tongue. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running from them. I thought Spinal Tap was great, but Rob Reiner can still kiss my backside.
I worry about dying before I get even.
I’ve discovered that DVD is better than Laserdisc. I like the convenience of buying oranges while I'm waiting at a stop-light, and I'm pretty sure the Latina midget selling them to me is glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator packing carton outside Ensenada. I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through The Sixth Sense but enjoyed it anyway. I think turkey bacon sucks. I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police eventually pull out of the car are gonna be a gang-banging hommies or vatos. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a parent. I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please don’t pretend they are a political statement.
I want to know what the hell is going on when Geena Davis has a sitcom.
I like hard women, hard liquor and a hard bowel movement first thing in the morning. I believe you don’t have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room. I'll admit that the only movie that ever made me cry was Field of Dreams. I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. Sometimes I throw my soft drink can in the trash, even when the recycle bin is just a few more steps. Making love is fine, but sometimes I wanna get laid. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
Yes, I'm a bad Republican. And I vote... even if it rains.
Peace. I out.
You rock!
and a hard bowel movement first thing in the morning.
ouch...but very Republican of you
So what is a good democrat? Ha ha, trick question! (Then again maybe a democrat buried under 100 feet of dirt is good, because deep down they are O.K.)
This is great! I'm gonna bookmark this one. Perfect definition of a typical grass-roots conservative in the "new millenium".
First and foremost, you sound like a Libertarian .... my kind of folk! Second and lastly, get rid of your Democrat friend .... there is no government imposed quota system there.
I thought Spinal Tap was great, but Rob Reiner can still kiss my backside. hehe. Merc--nomination for a potw.
You and this are a real piece of work. Simply hilarious.
And what was the defiition of a "good" republican?
Welcome, boot ... Good start for a Saturday morning ... that I think I'll be able to get something done after a couple of weeks of lots o' things going wrong.
I nominate this essay for the Bronx Cheer for Liberalism Golden BWAHA Award. Minority Mike now has competition!
Oh, btw, could you post what your liberal friend wrote about a "good Republican"? Is it similar to the famous "good Indian" line?
So what is a good democrat?
That, sir, is an oxymoron.
Da Bad Republican man...LOL!!
How did you get the testosterone level to the point where you could write this?
(Rather suspects bootyist-monk listened to a Certain Denis Leary Song a couple of times for inspiration as well...hehehe!! Also, this is reminiscent of an old Steve Martin SNL monologue, "What I Believe".)
Funny stuff, monk!!
This is incredible!
This is a classic. Nicely done.
Nominated.
Here's a Good Democrat.
A Buddhist Fundraising Official USA Tea Scam Member.
I love it ...Outstanding...I'm am with you all the way!!!!
OK OK........I like it.
I not only like it, In my case it is true! This man needs his own TV show called "Politically Correct" and then lets see who gets the ratings.
Pretty good rant but did you really need to underline every single word? Looking forward to your next one.
I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through The Sixth Sense but enjoyed it anyway.
Thanks a lot! I guess I won't have to rent that movie now. :>) . I'm probably the only person in the country who hasn't seen it yet.
Pretty good rant but did you really need to underline every single word? Looking forward to your next one.
Your browser is playing tricks on you. My copy ain't underlined atall.
And it's an excellent rant.
I like big cars, big cigars and naturally big racks.
Me too. The biggest rack I ever got was a twelve-pointer here in Upper Michigan.
Oh, wait a minute....you were talking about deer hunting, weren't you?
WOW. The testosterone is just pouring out of this one. It's nice to hear from an authentic male that is honest about what he likes and doesn't like. None of that Alpha male(whatever that is) crap with botox, polished teeth and makeup.
Yup, we Republican women might get grossed out by some of your candidness, but we secretly think it is doggone sexy to have a man state what he stands for, believes in and doesn't say things just because that is what he thinks people want to hear. Thanks for the Saturday morning entertainment. See you at the polls, rain or shine!
CC
p.s. I have mourned the loss of a goldfish.
Pretty good, pretty good. It's got a few holes in it though.
Must be those pesky details called personal preferences.
TLI.
Did you ever read P.J. O'Rourke's Republican Party Reptile?
Real Male vs. "Alpha" Male
INSPIRED! Kudos! Mega kudos!
I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them. I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a PlayStation.
. . . And let me add: "Brother!"
Thanx for the props. Peace. I out.
Thanks. You should see me snap a bottle cap.
You asked for it...
How To Be A Good Republican * by Ann Richards
1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to
the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush,.. but yesterday's gasoline prices
are all Clinton's fault.
2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all
on their own.
3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security
checks on time.
4. You have to believe that someone like Michelle Pfeiffer can really walk
into an inner city classroom and accomplish miracles.
5. AIDS victims deserve their disease,... but smokers with lung cancer and
overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.
6. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.
7. You have to believe everything Rush Limbaugh says.
8. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel
industries can survive without immigrant labor.
9. You have to believe God hates homosexuality,.. but loves the death
penalty.
10. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in
America doesn't diminish your opportunities,... but you still won't vote for
Alan Keyes!
11. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.
12. You have to believe in prayer in schools,... as long as you don't pray to
Allah or Buddha.
13. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful
husbands.
14. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly
popular in the barrio.
15. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
16. You have to be against government interference in business,.. until your
oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke... and you
beg for a government bail out.
17. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your
hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
18. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police
protection, national defense, and building roads.
19. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history
and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a
$1,000 voucher.
20. You only wanted Elian Gonzalez to stay in this country in order to peeve
the President.--
Happy to be of service. Thanks to all. Peace. I out.
Good movie. If that's what you do, you have my respect, brother. Thanks.
This is definately Hall of Fame material!
I's sure like Susan Osterich to see this.
Thanks to all. I suggest we have a show called FreepTV. There's more than enough talent to go around on this site, and think of the tonic it would be to all of the shrill cranks currently on the tube. Peace. I out.
Sorry. Rent it anyway. It's good, even though Bruce Willis never uses an assault rifle.
Thanks to all. Peace. I out.
Did you ever read P.J. O'Rourke's Republican Party Reptile?
P.J. is a god. I've read everything he's ever written. Holiday's in Hell to Parliment of Whores. The stuff he does for Automobile Mag is pretty funny stuff too.
Thanks. My fantasy. I'd make Lieberman play Resident Evil and Fear Effect for an entire weekend while force feeding him a steady diet of fat baby-backs and Moosehead. Bet we'd get that wuss to see the error of his ways. Peace. I out.
I really enjoyed reading your essay...I especially liked how you isolated certain phrases--nice impact!!!
14. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.
Was Ma Richards talking about algore here, right?
W. speaks fluent Spanish.
Oh, nevermind, facts have no place in the liberal mind. What was I thinking?
5.56mm
LOL! Good post, dude. Got me howlin'!
"So what is a good democrat? Ha ha, trick question! (Then again maybe a democrat buried under 100 feet of dirt is good, because deep down they are O.K.)"
Yeah but in Chicago that STILL won't keep them from voting on election day! As the late Mayor Daley's Precinct Captain in my neighborhood was fond of saying "Vote early and often".
I wouldn't be exagerating when I say that this rant will likely be found, eventually, in someone's office engraved into a brass plaque. Great piece of work!
Thanks for your #24. I'm glad to know it was a browser trick. I hope it doesn't happen again because 100% underlining makes it a little difficult to read.
And you are right, it was an excellent rant.
How do I suscribe to your news letter?
Guess we're using the same browser, mines underlined too.
BTTT for a classic!
Thanks. Peace. I out.
Appreciate the props.
How do I suscribe to your news letter?
Hmmm... you're giving me an idea.
Your definition of "bad republican" is remarkably close to Libertarian!
Mark
I love this!
Here is one I heard from someone debating Robert Riech on the Tube.
" Gun control is how steady someone holds a rifle when aiming at a target" ....
You might want to add that to your rant. By the way please send this to Dennis Miller....
I've been both, and this piece describes a libertarian, not a Republican.
Just a minor correction.
--Boris
Run with it!
No disrespect, but I prefer to think of myself as a Republican. When I see a Libertarian in the house, the senate, a governership or with a realistic chance at the presidency, I'll give it a look. Otherwise, I'll stick with being a Republican, 'cause I want a realistic chance at winning. Peace. I out.
>>Buckeroo : First and foremost, you sound like a Libertarian .... my kind of folk
MarkL: Your definition of "bad republican" is remarkably close to Libertarian! <<
With all due respect to our Libertarian friends on FR, I fit 99% Bootyist-monk's profile, and we aren't libertarians, although we think our own party could get some balls and adapt a lot of your economic views. But when it comes to socity in general, look closer at what we're getting at:
>> " I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe or a misogynist."
The media rarely attacks LIBERTARIANS with scare phrases like these, although you guys do get unfairly portrayed as neo-hippes from time to time...
>> "I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you do it in English." <<
Never met a Libertarian fond of this. They believe any nations attempts to require people speak English are examples of big brother trying to control our thought process. They're not too big on "the feds" having strict border control, either.
>> My heroes are Abraham Lincoln, Orson Wells, Ronald Reagan and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman
Alot of libertarians views on Lincoln unfortunately mirror of those Pat Buchanan imaginary claims that Lincoln was a tyrantical madman. Libertarians tend to think Reagan started out good but "caved" for big Goverment. And female libertarians I meet often tuned in for Dr. Quinn. LOL
>> " I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. <<
While most libertarians I've meet are far from being angry at everything, they neverless are pretty darn 'disenfrachised' with the establish, which they're proud to admit. If they weren't disenfrachised, they wouldn't be libertarians. I, on the other hand, think Clinton is just a phase of temporary insanity america is going through, and just because someone is a two-party system, it doesn't automatically make them evil.
Bad Republicans like myself are closet libertarians when it comes to fiscal concerns and looking out for our wallet. But we're not about to end the "failed" war on drugs to tell gays they can go out and marry without the big bad goverment getting in the way. ;-)
Ain't no such thing as a bad Republican--some are just better than others!!
P.J?
On second read .... it can't be P.J. O'Rourke. He'd never use the word "cool" and there is no reference to alcohol. But - this is damn comparable. My highest compliment! Kudos!!!
I like hard women, hard liquor and a hard bowel movement
LOL. "Booze reference" dismissal officially removed!
Is it just me, or does this mean that a "Bad republican" is actually a libertarian?
Guess I won't see it now either. That makes two of us who haven't seen it Bill!
ROTFL...
I Love it!! *smirk*
"I like big cars, big cigars and naturally big racks."
Yeah, I don't like the implants either. They get too hard.;^)
Emphasis mine... The post office, the highway system and even schools could, perhaps, be run by corporations, but it's hard to imagine the advantage of competing networks of sewer pipes. When building a new home, you'd look up sewers in the Yellow Pages, call around to get the best estimate, and they'd come dig a hole to your toilet. And there are some projects that are cool -- like going to the moon -- but just too weird, expensive and long-term to undertake with personal funds. "Why I Believe What I Believe" Still consider this a blanket denial.
by P.J. O’Rourke
As published in Rolling Stone Magazine, July 13, 1995
Loved your photos of the two candidates, CC! A "man's man" and a goofnut. Hey, is it just me or did anyone else notice that Algore appeared with really dark eyebrows for a few days after the Dem. convention? Then he went back to his "natural" look. Spouse said definitely. Really, I think he helped himself to the Tippler's eyebrow pencil, but could be I'm wrong. What do y'all think?
. I think the Clippers should play in the WNBA. My heroes are Abraham Lincoln, Orson Wells, Ronald Reagan and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I think creative violence makes movies more interesting and Iraqis more dead.
You are a kick-booty essayist.
A bump for a Sunday morning funny.
A looking-through-my-bookmarks bump.
A Saturday Bump
"Ain't no such thing as a bad Republican--some are just better than others!!"
Well, except maybe Jim Jeffords. But that's only if you use the word "bad" to mean "incompetent."
Funny, I remember Ol' Ann doing NRA ads during her first goobernatorial campaign. I guess she too has a taste for waffles.
I have seen this little rant in its previous form. I have heard George Carlin said it, I have heard he has disavowed it. I still like it and it's many forms as this one.
However, I have trouble with this one line:
"I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running from them."
So if I'm a stupid, scared teenager, who panics and runs to keep from getting caught jaywalking, the police could shoot me? I would hope they use good judgement. I certainly wouldn't promote any such legislation allowing such a blanket police state tactic.
Very funny stuff.
Here in Milwaukee we used to have "Mr. Angry" on a local radio station. Mr. Angry's delivery style was up and running as I read.
Thanks. This thing took on a life of its own...
Sorry, you may have seen this somewhere else, but not until after I wrote it. Any doubts, please check here.
Not that I need the credit, just trying to set the facts straight.
Best,
Bootyist...
Or whipping around the internet credited to George Carlin. You are wise and perceptive, Man...
Best,
Bootyist
Thanks for clearing that up. Anyway you should feel proud that you started something like this. It definitely got legs and it's good.
My good man, you have created a monster.
Often imitated, never duplicated.
Thanks for the bump. Still find this whole thing hard to believe.
Best,
Bootyist