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GI HUMOR - Army Slogans that didn't make it
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1. "Kill All That You Can Kill"
2. "Shower With Men"
3. "Knock Up Foreign Broads"
4. "All The Grits You Can Eat"
5. "Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler"
6. "Purple Hearts = Free Beers At Hooters"
7. "Whimsical And Human, Just Like M*A*S*H"
8. "Cubicles Are For Wusses"
9. "Napalm Means Serious BBQ"
10. "Over 1,000,000 Sheared, Beaten, And Worked Into A Sub-Human Fury!"(My favorite)
11. "Totally Beefcake and Proud of It"
12. "Beat Up Sailors"
13. "We Won't Screw Your Mind Up As Bad As The Marines Will"
14. "Kicking Nazi Tail Since 1942"
15. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Accessorize"
16. "Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!"
17. "Play Doom For Real"
18. "Sure Beats Lurnin'!"
19. "Because Terminators Are Real"
20. "Forget Nation-Building -- Let's Destroy One!"
I think these are hilarious, so time for a humor break.
"Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!"
"Because Terminators Are Real."
I like these two.
Yeah the "Risk your life...." one has too much truth in it to be really funny....
Bump
"We're queer and we're here....but we're quiet about it"
I always liked "Join the Army - The Judge Says So"
Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days
> 1. Well, aren't we just a ray of f*****g sunshine?
> 2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
> 3. Do I look like a f*****g people person?
> 4. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
(This is where I work)
> 6. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
> 7. You! Off my planet!!
> 8. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
> 9. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. (Brilliant)
> 10. Did the aliens forget to remove your an@l probe?
> 11. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
> 12. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
> 13. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
> 14. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
> 15. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
> 16. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
> 17. Earth is full, Go home.
I'm gonna try to turn this into an all-out humor thread...
Guys and Gals.....POST 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM!!
A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The co-ed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.
"Yale," she replied.
The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
"Bomber Bin Bubba's gone - everybody back in the water!"
How to speak about WOMEN and be POLITICALLY CORRECT...
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER. ROTFLMAO
--------------------------------------------------------------------
How to speak about MEN and be POLITICALLY CORRECT...
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
US Army: Our business is killing people
US Army: We have guns, we'll teach you how to use them
US Army: Get in touch with your inner barbarian.
LOL I have never seen that one before.
Found a few jokes for you guys if you're in the mood....:-)
Found a few jokes for you guys if you're in the mood.
Army: Travel to foreign lands, meet interesting new people, and kill them.
National guard: ... but only on weekends!
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day:
The first worm -- dead
Second worm -- dead
Third worm -- dead
Fourth worm -- alive
Lesson:
As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.
lovecraft since you told that about an Alabama Tider I've only got two words for you:
WAR EAGLE
"The few, the proud, the dingy"
ROTFLMAO.......Hey, I'm a TN Vol fan....Tiders are always fair game....:-)
Humor Bump
A friend of mine had a t-shirt back in the days of Ronaldus Magnus (Happy Birthday, Mr. President, we still love ya!).
It showed the Strategic Air Command emblem, complete with the scroll saying "Peace is Our Profession."
On the back, it said, "War is Just Our Hobby."
United States Air Force.
Protecting your skies.
Nine to five, Monday through Friday.
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father," says the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again.
"Well, no." says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet," the man replies. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew over a bit of forest near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
Silence filled the confessional until the Priest sighed and said, "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?"
Aww man, I'd give 50 bucks for a shirt like that...LMAO
When I joined we had to do the urine test and the Staff Sergeant monitoring us was singing
"Pee....all that you can peeee"
Thank you for a great laugh! These are the funniest things I've seen for a while...
Appreciated....I needed this as bad as anybody today...:-)
bump
Go Bayou Bengals!!! Jamma the Bamma! BBQ War Chickens!
A "Thanks for the bump" BUMP.
There's always the classic, "Let Us Win Your Hearts and Minds...or We'll Burn Your Damn Huts Down!"
sola gracia
How can you be some kind of coonass legen and not have a bunch of x's and q's in your name.
Bear Bryant, 1959 talking about Billy Cannon
sola gracia
How can you be some kind of coonass legend and not have a bunch of x's and q's in your name.
Bear Bryant, 1959 talking about Billy Cannon
With all these kick-ass additions, I should send these back to my Army buddy that originally sent it to me.
"K.P.: An Army of Wonder Bread"
Ahh, maybe not.
This young stud, new in town, strolls into the local bar, sits down and starts drinking. After a few brews, he's watching the TV behind the bar and the news comes on. The first story is about then president clintoon making some statement or other. Our young stud is definitely unimpressed with clintoon, and says, "That clinton is a real horse's a*s!" A big ol' boy from the other end of the bar gets up, walks over to the youngster and with just one swing, knocks our young stud off the bar stool and half-way down the aisle toward the restroom door.
The big guy then turns around without saying a word and saunters back to his seat and resumes drinking. Shaken but not deterred, our young stud does the same, except with a stagger rather than a saunter. A little later in the newscast, after a few more brews, hitlary comes on and says something and, again, our young man, obviously unimpressed by the smartest women in the world, says,"that woman is full of horse s**t!" From a yet to be determined location in our local bar, a guy larger than the first one, wearing a cowboy hat, appears behind our young stud and delivers a blow sufficient to take our youngster off his bar stool and almost ALL the way down the aisle to restroom door.
When he regains consciousness, our young stud, staggering not so much from his drinking as from two monster blows to his head, manages to crawl back up onto his bar stool and ask for another brew. When the bar tender delivers, the young stud says to him, "Gosh, I didn't know this was clinton country!" "It isn't," replied the bartender, "It's horse country!"
Sorry - I know this is an old one, but it's one of my favorites!
When I started recruiting in 1978 we had bumper stickers to pass out to the kids that said "Keep America Green, Join the Army" (I don't know enough html to make the word green).
Needless to say these didn't last long before the infamous "Be All You Can Be" blitz started.
OK, I'll try my hand at an old "shaggy dog" story:
A preacher came to the elders of his church and tendered his resignation. When pressed for an explanation, he would only say "Mother Green".
"Mother Green? Who's that? What do you mean?" the elders asked, but the preacher adamently refused to elaborate. The elders asked the preacher to stay until a replacement could be found, and he did so.
The new preacher arrived, and asked the departing pastor why he was giving up his flock. "Mother Green" he said, and once again refused to elaborate.
The new preacher took over, and on one particular Sunday morning, things were going swimmingly. The collection plate was full, the choir was singing on key, and he was in fine voice, raining fire and brimstone on his mesmerized audience. Suddenly, the back doors of the church were flung open, and in strutted, no, flounced a woman, built like the proverbial brick outhouse. She sported a short-short miniskirt, and displayed cleavage nearly to her naval. She sinuously slithered to the front of the church, sat in the front pew, and threw her leg over the armrest. She wore no underwear.
The preacher looked, looked again, and turning to a tenor in the choir, asked, "Is that Mother Green?"
"I don't think so, pastor," said the tenor. "I think it's just the way the sun is hitting it through the stained-glass window."
Snort
Oh man, that's a good one...LOL
My favorite were,
"Hurry up! Biscuit Kitchen closes in an hour!", and
"The choppers are 20 minutes out!"
"Keep America Green, Join the Army"
Like this?
Are you retired, or do you still recruit? If so, I'd be posting these things all over the place....LOL
The brass wouldn't like it, but I'd bet you'd improve your numbers.
These are great! Here are several more:
Not the sharpest crayon in the box (similar to yours)
Two French fries short of a Happy Meal
He/she's two quarts low
Easy, I grew up in New Orleans of ScotIrish ancestry. But I love those Tigers. I live in Minnesota now.
Billy Cannon was one of the great ones. So was the Bear. I have an autographed copy of his book, Bear.
Hope you guys don't get the "death penalty" with your recruiting violations.
No confusion. Those were great....keep 'em coming.
Pssst - I hope Fulmer is able to steer clear of all this too...ESPN would love to see us fall....Bad blood between the Vols and ESPN.
"Enlist! It's Safe Without the Soviets."
Or maybe:
"SCUDCATCHERS"
How bout:
Welcome to the Army:
Where men are men, and so are the women.
Another football one. Now that the season is over the seniors on the Nebraska Cornhuskers are debating whether to go pro or . . . . con
Jerry, yep, that's what I meant, except only the word green was actually...you know..green.
Lovecraft, yep, retired in 94. I recruited in Cookeville for 6 years, are you in that part of the country? I have relatives in Clinton (argh) and Knoxville, working at UT. Fulmer won't have any problems, he's straight up a good coach.
Sola, I have a copy of the book, but not autographed, it would never be published today, too much honesty in it. BTW, I'm only an Alabama fan when they are NOT playing Auburn. My inlaws up here in Indiana are LSeaux fans. They used to listen on Saturday nights back before ESPN. I went to a game in Baton Rouge when I was at beautiful Camp Swampy, biggest party I've ever seen, 75,000 drunks.
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,974.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked in the box under the bed. However, today the temptation was to much and I gave in. But now I need to know, Why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought of a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but thought to herself, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess three times is not that bad considering the number of years we have been together..." They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered. "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
Well not only do you have family in Knoxville, you also got a friend....that's where I live. LOL
I just caught this on that other thread....I thought about flagging ya to post it over here. Great minds must think alike....hehe
A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next to the bed on the floor. He doesn't believe his dog is dead, so he takes him to the vet, and the vet says, ''I'm sorry, but your dog is dead.'' The man doesn't believe him and says, ''I want a second opinion.''.
The doctor goes into the back and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog and bites it and says to the vet, ''Meeoowrr.'' The vet says again, ''I'm sorry, sir, your dog is dead.'' The man says, ''No, I want another opinion.''
So the doctor brings out a Laborador Retriever and he jumps all over the dead dog and tugs at it and barks at it and says to the vet, ''Rrrrr.'' The vet says, ''I'm sorry, sir, but your dog is dead. that will be 500 dollars.''
''$500 to tell me my dog is dead?'' asks the man. ''Well,'' the vet replies, ''I'm 100 dollars, the cat scan was $300 and the lab test was $200''.
I saw a T shirt showing a BUFF (B-52 Bomber) with a mushroom cloud behind it in the distance. The caption was "It's Miller time."
As a result of Senate-proposed force reductions and budget cuts, the U.S. Marine Corps has developed a program to reduce the number of personnel. This program is under test phase and will take affect 1 January 2001.
Under this new program, older Marine personnel will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger Marines who represent the future of the Corps. Therefore, this program will phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year. This initial phase of the program will be known as the Serviceman Late-Aged Program (SLAP).
Marines who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the Corps. SLAPPED Marines can request a review of their personnel records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is
called the Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers (SCREW).
All personnel who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with their chain of command with final authority at the Wing or Division level. This is called the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT).
Under the terms of the new policy, a Marine may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the Marine Corps deems appropriate.
If a Marine follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-Sum Assistance Payment), unless he/she
already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any Marine who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the Corps. The Corps wants to
assure the younger Marines who remain on board that the service will continue its policy of training through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
The Corps takes pride in the amount of SHIT our Marines receive.
We have given our people more SHIT than any other service.
If any Marine feels they do not receive enough SHIT at their current duty station, see your immediate supervisor. YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIFICALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.
It was late at night as the Pope, who had just departed this world, was approaching the gates of heaven. There was no one around, but there was a small shack just prior to the gates with a light on. The Pope stepped into the shack and startled a young man half-asleep sitting at a small steel gray desk.
“Excuse me” said the Pope, “but I’m supposed to check in here with St. Peter, but there is no one at the gate.”
“Yea, Yea” said the young man, “where are your orders?”
“I don’t have any orders,” said the Pope.
“Well, its too late to check in tonight anyhow” said the young man. “Just go around to the back of this building, find a rack and dump your trash in a locker. St. Peter will be here in the morning and you can check in then.”
The Pope grabs his stuff and walks around the building only to find a W.W. II style open bay barracks. The racks are stacked three high and the only open one is all the way at the end of the building and it’s on top. He drags his stuff to the end of the building but there is no locker for him. He takes a deep breath, thinks about it for a minute and decides that this is just one final test. He crawls up into his rack and falls asleep. Suddenly he is awakened by a loud commotion outside the barracks. As he walks outside he sees a huge crowd of angels cheering and clapping as a gold convertible limousine approaches. As it draws nearer the Pope sees a guy in flight suit and Marine leather flight jacket in the back seat with a beautiful angel on each arm, a beer in his hand and he is smoking one of the biggest cigars the Pope has ever seen.
The Pope turns to young man who checked him in and asked, “Who is that guy?”
“A Marine pilot” the young man replied.
The Pope says, “ I don’t get it. I worked hard all of my life to do God’s work on earth. As a young man I studied hard at the seminary, as a priest I labored long and hard to tend my flock and provide guidance when they strayed. I struggled as a bishop to serve the church and as Pope I was able to attract more followers of the faith. Yet, when I reach heaven, St. Peter isn’t here to greet me, I have to carry my own bags, I get stuck in the top rack of an open bay barracks and I don’t even have a locker for my bags!”
The young man looks at the Pope and says “Look, we get a Pope every 20-30 years, but this guy is the first Marine pilot who has ever actually made it to heaven!”
A small-town preacher was riding his bicycle home from church, when he spotted a small boy sitting dejectedly on top of a push lawnmower, in front of a tall, overgrown lawn.
"What's the matter, son?" asked the preacher.
"Aw, it's just that it's gonna take me all summer mowing lawns to earn enough to buy a bicycle", said the boy. "All my friends have bikes already!"
The preacher thinks for a minute, then tells the boy, "You know, the church really needs a new lawn mower. If you really want a bike that badly, I'd trade you this almost-new bike for your mower. Would that make you happy?"
"Heck yes", beamed the boy, "you got yourself a deal, mister!".
The preacher hands over his bike to the little boy, and takes a look at his new mower. He pulls on the starter rope, then pulls again and again, and nothing happens.
"Oh, you hafta cuss at it real loud to get it to start", says the boy. "Ain't no other way."
"Son," said the preacher, "I'm a man of the cloth. I don't cuss or swear. I've long ago forgotten that kind of language."
"Well," said the little boy, "you just keep on yankin' that rope for awhile, and it'll come back to ya."
My favorite is "Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler"
OK I'll bite.
Old Lyle, was a fifty year old Texas truck driver, who had never ever been with a woman.
So, on his 50th birthday, he shows up at a truckstop that also has a whorehouse upstairs.
After a few beers, all his buddies chip in for a birthday present, and lead him upstairs.
The Madam greets him "Congratulations Lyle, you are about to experience the time of your life!"
Well, old Lyle, kinda shyly says "Mam, I never done this before, so's I ain't too good at this here."
"Lyle, don't worry, were here to please, so would you like an 'around the world', or 'a humpty dumpty', or a '69'? Lyle what is it that you would like?"
"Mam, like I said, I don't know much of anything about this stuff, so I don't know; jes gimmee one of them '69' things."
So Lyle goes off to door #4 and meets Mitzi, and they get setup for one of them '69' things.
Well, Mitzi had just had a bowl of the "house chili" from downstairs, and it wasn't reacting quite right. So, while involved in one of them '69' things she starts squirming from the gas pain, but can't hold it any longer, and lets forth with a blast of awful gas.
Old Lyle's head snaps back,"whew, Oh man!". But, it's been feelin pretty good now, so's he goes back into that '69 thing.
Shortly, Mitzi gets another gas attack, and trys to hold it back, but it finally gets away from her, and once again blasts this horrendous gas.
Lyle snaps his head back, and pushes Mitzi off the top of him.
" A'm sorry Mam, that was feelin good, but I jes can't take another 67 of them things!!!"
I saw a T shirt showing a BUFF (B-52 Bomber) with a mushroom cloud behind it in the distance. The caption was "It's Miller time."
I saw one that had a pic of an FB-111, with a mushroom cloud and the caption: Warsaw Pact central heating.
whoops-font off.
fixed?
LOL! These are funny. Thanks.
The one I have heard a lot is....
"Kill them all and let God sort them out."
Hooo-WAH!!!
Oh man you gotta stop, I got tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.
ROFLOL! Those are really good. I just emailed your posts to hubby on base. Thanks!
Upon taking his monastic vows, Brother Anthony is dispatched to a remote monastary where he hoped to spend the rest of his life in his chosen order. Upon arriving at the monastary, Anthony is received by the Abbott and given an overview of the monastary's day to day operations. The Abbott also informs Anthony, that despite the vow of silence, special dispensation is granted every five years, permitting the brothers to speak two words.
Anthony quickly falls into the monastic lifestyle and seems to enjoy an austere, ascetic life of toil and prayer. After completing his first five years, he is called to the Abbott, and is told that he may speak his two words...
"Cold food!" Anthony informs the Abbott, and returns to his labors and meditations.
Five more winters pass in complete silence, and again, Anthony is summoned to the Abbott, and granted two more words..."Bed hard," Anthony states, and departs the Abbott's office.
Anthony's life of poverty, chastity, and silence continue with little consequence, until, at the end of 15 years he is brought once again to the Abbott, and granted two words..."Want quit!" Anthony declares. "That's fine with me," states the Abbott, "You've done nothing but bitch since you came here!"
At your service Madam - and if you're not a madam, my apoligies to the male who calls himself "Snow Bunny"...:-)
A golden oldie from WWII, by a cartoonist whose name presently escapes me...
Willie and Joe are in a foxhole, somewhere in France. Sitting directly atop their foxhole is a German Tiger Tank. Willie, acting as a forward observer, is on the field phone to his artillery battery.
"Abel Fox, this is Abel Fox Five. We got a target for ya, but ya gotta be patient."
Thanks for the good one - bump!!
A wealthy man was about to pass away. He had always heard that you couldn't take it with you, but he wanted to try. He had all of his vast holdings converted into gold bars. Sure enough, he soon died. The mortician was honest enough to put all the gold into the coffin with the dear departed. When he got to the pearly gates he said proudly to St. Peter: "See, I did take it with me."
St. Peter said: "you brought pavement?"
ROTFL ! I love this one, I have to send it to some friends that have horses !
Thanks so much.....LOL
How can you guys forget this Gulf War favorite?
"I'd fly 10,000 miles to smoke a camel"
...or for my fellow Marines
"U.ncle S.ams M.arching C.lowns"
"U. S.igned the M.other-effing C.ontract"
USMC-Airwing "When it positively, absolutely needs to be destroyed over-night"
I've gotta remember that one for my dad....
BRAVO!!!
ha ha ha ha ! heh heh ! And to think this is closer to the truth then even a joke. Yikes ! LOL ! Good one though.
I like "Nuke em till they glow, shoot em in the dark, and use the bodies to light the perimeter" better.
Sounds like me hondo. LSU first, SEC second. I will always pull for an SEC team whenever they're not playing LSU. Living in Big Ten country makes you long for those steamy Louisiana Saturday nights in Death Valley. (without the drunks of course)
LOL! I love this one. I can't wait to send it to some Marines I know. LOL Thanks so much!
US Army: Get in touch with your inner barbarian.
Hey! That's MINE!!
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is Air Force, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
The Joint Military Medical Command Slogan ( Army and Air Force):
" Be all you can be" ( Army ) + " "Aim High" (Air Force )
Became
"BE AS HIGH AS YOU CAN BE"
Agreed - you gotta pull for the Conference...even if it is those bastids from Fla.
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
"Whimsical And Human, Just Like M*A*S*H" and "Play Doom For Real" are my favorites.
Now, if they could just make the Army like Diablo II...
Uncle Sam's Misguided Children ...
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."
LOL ! I a girl so you did good on the guess.
More please....I have yet to let the entire office hear me laughing like a madman in my office....
another Gulf favorite:
FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.
They were both just getting finished with their shaves - the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put mess on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like."
Yes, thanks for the other version.
One from the backwoods...
A young MBA begins working for a large firm in NYC and discovers his CEO is an avid big game hunter, with an office bedecked by stuffed moose-heads, Elk-racks, and the like. In an effort to curry favor with his new boss, the MBA, who'd never so much as spent a day in the woods, decides to undertake hunting. Equipping himself with the best Weatherby, L.L. Beane, and Cabela's had to offer, he books an Elk hunt with a reputable and prestigiuos outfitter in Montana.
Upon his arrival, he is paired with a leathery-faced guide, Slim, who discusses with him the finer points of elk-hunting and they begin to plan their hunt. Before they can set out, however, a massive blizzard hits and they party is snowed in at their lodge. The snow continues to fall for several days. With no end in sight, the MBA starts to get a case of cabin fever and insists on setting out for the hunt. Slim advises against it, knowing what the bitter cold can do. "Well," states the petulent businessman," I guess I'll just go and get an elk for myself."
"Awright," says Slim, "But jes' remember, if ya' get lost out there, find yourself a fallen tree, clear it off, lay your rifle across the top of the tree, and drape your body 'cross it perpin-dicular like."
"And that will keep me warm?" queries the MBA.
"Nope," says Slim, "but it'll sure make your carcass a lot easier to pack out on horseback come Spring thaw!"
************************************
Dude, you must have a hunert of 'em..... You ever make it Knoxville - I'm buying you a beer.
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, a platoon sergeant walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a PFC monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $1000."
The platoon sergeant paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can fire expert with small arms, score 300 on the APFT, and perform Drill & Ceremony and Small Unit Tactics with no mistakes, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's an NCO monkey; it can instruct BRM, CTT, PT, D&C and SUT, and even do some paperwork. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually SEEN it do ANYTHING, but it says it's a Colonel."
You got the coveted 100th post....I'm bookmarking this thread for posterity.
"When it positively, absolutely needs to be destroyed overnight - U.S. Marines"
I'm a Dudette -- would you still buy me a beer?
U.S. ARMY really means:
[U]ncle [S]am [A]in't [R]leased [M]e [Y]et
Q. How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q. What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q. What's the difference between a fighter pilot and jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
You're a dudette???!!! Firstly, I apologize...the mud-puppy threw me. :-)
Secondly, of course I'll buy you a beer, anytime, anyplace.
Thirdly, with a sense of humor like that, I think I'm in love. But odds are you have Hubby puppy, so do you have a sister? LOL
"Join the Air Force - Fly the plane your father flew" -
Refers to ageing B-52's.
What are Helicopters called in the Air-Force? WhirlyBirds.
What are Helicopters called in the Army? Slicks.
What are Helicopters called in the Navy? Choppers.
What are Helicopters called in the Marines? Point to the sky and go OOH! OOH!.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work
on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be
.. how??)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's
*just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. (!!!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on the bottom of the box)-->
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
(I love it: food to piss you off.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating. (Are
you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't
that save more time???) (Who's body??)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of industrial accidents if we just
kept those 5 year olds off the fork lifts!)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (Or pets or spouses?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to outer space or underground)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Hmmmm, now I'm curious)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (no comment)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (what is going on here?)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(as if you try to stop *anything* with your genitals--
clearly my favorite of the list)
On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Way to destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
affirmative to the Hubby....
Mudpuppy was a nickname some of us female Marines picked up in the field one week as we were sitting in the mud looking like drowned rats in uniform....back in the day there were Devil Dogs and we were Mud Puppies (and we didn't think it was a bad thing)...
I do have a single "baby" sister, tho. She's a cop.
Oh man, girls with guns....I'm in heaven! You and yours can expect a round on me anytime....it's been such a pleasure meeting you. I don't think I've laughed this hard in weeks.
Doc that is a killer graphic....Hoo-WAH!
For the computer types:
From your "sister service" [N]ever [A]gain [V]olunter [Y]ourself. HM retired after 21 years (half with the Marines) DD
Yep, even "visor boy" deserves some support.
"An Army Major walked into a bathroom in dire need of a urinal. Occupying the urinal next to him was a young Marine Corporal. Finishing first however, the Major walked to the sink a began washing his hands. The Corporal however, finished his business and headed for the door. 'You know, in the Army... we teach our soldiers to wash up when we are done using the toilet', barked the Major. "Yes Sir!' replied the spit and polish Marine. 'Sir, In the Marines they teach us not to piss on our hands.'
BUMP. Some good laughs here.
Briefing to new enlisted due to the huge moral boost.< /sarcasm>
The good news is, you all get to wear the black beret.
The bad news is, you are all going to Ranger school.
That would be what I call "poetic justice".
If lawers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, does'nt it follow that electricians can be delighted; musicians denoted; cowboys deranged; models deposed; tree surgeons debarked; and dry cleaners depressed?
--Virginia Ostman--
Damn, I thought that was Carlin who said that....LOL
If lawers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, does'nt it follow that electricians can be delighted; musicians denoted; cowboys deranged; models deposed; tree surgeons debarked; and dry cleaners depressed?
Would the XPOTUS be delayed?
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the country he was searching for one.
A year passed, and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is impressive!"
The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate his skills. The Chinese Samurai also opened match box, and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! went his sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground in 4 small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is really VERY impressive!"
The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked: "After all of that, why is the gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiled. "Well," he replied, "circumcision is not meant to kill
Would the XPOTUS be delayed?
Very nice! Hopefully, someday he will be detained.
A man went to visit his 90-year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says,
"Grandfather, are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you, those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."
Later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, Grandfather's dog, who was lying on the floor, started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way!"
How's the load time? Should we start another thread?
At least DESPISED....
This LSU grad walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he likes jokes. "Sure," he says.
The bartender replies, "Here's a funny one for you. What has four legs, four arms, and [performs oral sex on males]"? The befuddled coonass replies, "I don't know."
"You and your brother."
LSU guy is stunned. "That's not funny at all." "Sure it is," says the bartender. "I'll tell you who WILL think it's funny. See those two big guys at the end of the bar?" "Yeah," says the boy from Baton Rouge. "They'll laugh their asses off at that joke. Just give it a try on them."
LSU guy walks to the end of the bar and interrupts the two galoots. "'Scuse me. What has four legs, four arms, and [performs oral sex on males]"?
The two big dudes are stumped. "I don't know. What?"
"Me and my brother."
WAR EAGLE
"SEE THE WORLD.
MEET NEW AND INTERESTING PEOPLE...
AND KILL THEM."
A young boy and his family were waiting out a long lay-over at a busy airport. The boy noticed a spit and polish Marine in his dress uniform. The youngster walked over to the Marine, and overwhelmed by the impressive figure, expressed his admiration, "Wow!!!" was about all the kid could utter, as he stood staring at the Marine. The Marine felt a sense of pride at the kid's admiration, and grabbing his snow white saucer cap with the highly polished bill, said, "Here kid, why don't you try this on..."
The youngster donned the cap, and although it was too big for his head, began to cockily strut up and down the concourse at the airport, wearing it. The kid strayed into a men's room where he saw a Ranger standing at the urinal. Decked out with his black beret, blue infantry cord, CIB, combat patch, and stack of ribbons and badges. The kid walked up to the Ranger, and as just with the Marine, was overtaken by admiration..."Wow!!!!" marveled the youth.
"Blow me, kid," stated the mannerless Ranger.
"Oh no sir, it's not like that," said the kid, "I just borrowed the hat!"
Priceless!
Heard this one today.
Two homosexual men want a baby. They masturbate into a cup and their sperm is used to impregnate a woman friend. Nine months later, they are admiring their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying except for theirs.
"Our baby is the quietest baby in here," one "guy" said.
The nurse responded, "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his @$$."
Bump for the afternoon crowd - this really turned out to be one funny thread.....
Followed by:
Byte my Baud!
U S M C
With all due respect of course.
PS there are worse things you can get out of USMC, except one can never get ARMY out of USMC
Army right? I can tell with all the gedunk....be careful around puddles!
bttt
Re: #9: As a former resident of Alabama and totally in spite of myself, that one truly made me LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
pssst over here......check it out.....
Your post #86: OUTSTANDING!
In that same vein:
The Army was told to secure a building. They went in, all guns blazing, virtually razed the place, and made it compleely free of any enemy ability to continue fighting.
The Marines were told to secure a building. They went in, room to room, eliminated any opposition and took up occupancy, posting a perimeter guard.
The Navy was told to secure a building, so they went in, closed and locked all the safes, locked all the office doors, locked all exits and entrances and went home for the night.
The Air Force was told to secure a building, so they went out and obtained a three year lease with an option to buy.
BTT
*** WARNING! BAWDY ALERT! ***
The young Marine approached the crusty old Gunny and asked him about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
"Well, Private, it's a story of history and tradition. First, we give them a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a First Lieutenant represents value, but less malleable. When they make Captain, they're twice as valuable so we give them two silver bars.
"As a Colonel, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an General, you're obviously a star. Does that answer your question?"
"Yeah, but what about Majors and Lieutenant Colonels?"
"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."
U.ncle S.ams M.isguided C.hildren
With a handle like that, I'm sure you'll enjoy this Roguish bit of calypso music...
"Come Mister Taliban, tally me banana-clip on my AK-47."
I dunno what you think, but the meter needs work...
All us hill billies hate them thar kinduv jokes-they makes ower ribs ache frum rollin roun th' flow laffin at um. We takes pride in the fack thet weuns is the only ones lef thet it is politick krect ta laff at tho, so hep yo sef.
Two generals, one from the Army, and one from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Marine general about whose soldiers were the bravest.
To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder,' and then jump off!"
"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.
The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.
"Bravery, nothing," snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!!" replies the private.
"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."
"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"
They look to the Marine. "Private," he says.
"YES SIR!!"
"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma,' put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."
The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!"
The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"
It works for me.
Nice to see someone with a good taste in reading material!
OATHS of ENLISTMENT
In the interest of jointness:
All persons, upon entering the Military Service and upon reenlistment are
required to take the Oath of Enlistment.
At one time the Oath of Enlistmentwas the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function.
Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chief's of Staff :
********************************************************************
US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the
UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army,
because the Marines frighten me and I am afraid of water over waist deep.
I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others
more dedicated than me who take their job seriously.
I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend
our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise.
I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even
though I believe myself to be above that.
I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I
know
I'm not really in the Military and I find it amusing to annoy the other
services.
I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all
times, be sure to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of "Basic Training" (snicker here) I will be a lean,
mean,
donut-eating, lazy-boysitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne
Ranger.
I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to
clean
the knife before stabbing the next person in the back.
I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look
good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.
I consent to never being promoted (EVER) and understand that all those
whom
I
made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow.
So Help Me God ...
____________________ ____________________
Signature Date
*********************************************************************
US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED
STATES
ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air
Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me
because I can't swim.
I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots
because
I
can't figure out how to use blousing straps.
I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.
I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because
my
Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will
see
is a Court Martial for sexual harassment.
I will take all the credit that the Marines did and brag about the
so-called
training we do when deep down we know that it is really a joke.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service,
and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my Sexual ... er ... I mean "Basic Training" I will
attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less
than
I did when I left.
On my first trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around like I am cool
and
propose to my 9th grade sweetheart.
I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave
me for a better looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times
I will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting
absolutely
nothing accomplished.
I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and
leave every day at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY."
I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me
get
a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my
friends
from high school.
I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college,
but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.
So Help Me God ...
____________________ __________________
Signature Date
*********************************************************************
US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my
life
to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without
actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too
"corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army,
and because I thought "Hey, I like to swim ... why not"
I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my
name
stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own.
I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer
and
for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter.
I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English
speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk,
scuttlebutt, scuttle and head"
when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall
and
toilet."
I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and
insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different
from
the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am
buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930
hours.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand
up
in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop.
I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per
fiscal year.
I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to
the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues."
So Help Me Neptune ...
_______________________ _______________________
Signature Date
*********************************************************************
US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, (have someone recite your name for you), swear ... uhhhh ... high-and-tight ... grunt ... cammies ... M16 ... ugh ... Air Force ... and women ... OOORAH ...
So Help Me CORPS ...
_____________________ _________________
Thumb Print and X Date
_____________________ _________________ Witness
Signature Date
President Clinton dies and goes to hell. The Devil tells him, "You are now condemned to eternal punishment, but you can pick what it is."
So Clinton follows him into a room. Inside is Newt on a rack. He decides that looks pretty rough, so he follows the Devil into a second room. In there, Rush is being dipped into a big vat of water, being let up every 2 minutes for a gasp of air before being submerged again.
In the third room, Ken Starr is hanging from his thumbs on the wall, and Monica Lewinsky is performing oral sex on him.
Clinton doesn't like the hanging by the thumbs, but decides he can take that for eternity. He tells the Devil this will be his eternal punishment. Then the Devil says, "OK, Monica, you can go now. Your replacement is here!"
How can you guys forget this Gulf War favorite?
"I'd fly 10,000 miles to smoke a camel"
They were selling those T-shirts at the shops on Magsaysay in Olongapo the first time I was there in November of 1980.
Just remember Never Again Volunteer Yourself
Thanks for the humor break!
To much, ROTFLMAO!
This Air Wing Humor is KILLING me!!!!
USMC MOS 7242, Swing with the Wing!!
"...any Marine who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the Corps."
Can't stop laughing!!! Printing this for friends who are Marines...
Murphys Law Of Combat Operations
Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready & when you're not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
Weather ain't neutral.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.
If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.
Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.
Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?
The General went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions - age, height, weight and then he asked when was the last time the General had sex.
"Oh", he mused, "It was 1955."
"Isn't that a long time to go without sex?" the doctor asked.
"I don't think so. According to your clock, it's only 2113."
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
In my Air Force days, the third item was always the navigator.
Been there, done that, got a T-shirt and a medal.
yep.
Another list:
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. 11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. 15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 16. Don't squat with your spurs on. 17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people. 19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 21. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 24. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 25. Duct tape is like 'the force'. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. 28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 29. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
You're killing me! - I'm going to get fired for LMAO so loud.
i love it!
what's the thinnest book on earth?
the USMC book of TACTICS.
Try: One tree short of a hammock!
ARMY---Ain't Ready for Marines, Yet
Regards
alfa6 ;>}
There is no truth to the rumors that helicopters can fly. Yhe vibrateso badly that the earth repels them.
Regards
alfa6 ;>}
There is no truth to the rumors that helicopters can fly. The vibrate so badly that the earth repels them.
Regards
alfa6 ;>}
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandpa. I don't want to die screaming like his passengers.
There is no truth to the rumors that helicopters can fly. The vibrate so badly that the earth repels them.
Helicopters don't actually fly, they beat the air into submission.
Has anybody mentioned, "Don't leave your buddies behind"?
I had a t-shirt in the Mid 80's. It had a picture of a nuclear sub with a mushroom cloud in the background.
Caption was: 24 empty tubes, a mushroom cloud, Now it's Miller time!"
Q: So what do you call a solider with an IQ of 120
A: Division
Friday night BUMP
Sweetheart, you are one righteous W.M.!!
Hey, logos.
This isn't GI humor, but it's Kentucky humor I thought you'd appreciate.
from a health care worker:
.... I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Hey, isn't it true the Marines are just a department of the Navy?
Yeah, the MEN'S department!!
Brand new to this board, but I thought I would join in the fun. Since the two types of jokes are southern and military humor, I figured I would give examples of each.
1: Southern- A certain East Tennessee lady who had come into a large sum of money was invited to attend a large political dinner in Washington DC. In an attempt to be friendly she turned to the well to do northern woman seated next to her and asked, "So, where are you from?" Well the northern woman hearing the prounounced southern accent turned up her nose and replied in her most haughty tone, "I am from somewhere where we don't end our sentences in prepositions!" The southern lady thought for a second and rephrased her original question, "Ok. Where are you from BITCH?"
2: Military- Two grunts were sharing a foxhole after eating some rancid army chow. The first private let loose with a long thundering release of gas. The second private calmly turns to the first and says "Captain who?"
(Aside to lovecraft- If you are from Knoxville I am about 40 miles east of you. Good to find a neighbor here.)
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.
“Never better.”
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time” said the Marine.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
Your Friday Humor break:
One day, four young Marine warriors turn up outside the pearly gates. St Peter explained that before they could pass they must answer one simple question.
Up walked the first guy. St Peter asked, "What's 2+2?" The 1st warrior answers: "3" "NO" said St Peter, "5" "NO" said St Peter "4" "Yes; in you go."
Up comes the second warrior. St Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"
He answered, "The square route of 16."
Very impressed St Peter allows him past.
Up comes the third warrior. St Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?"
"It's greater than 2."
"Yes"
"But less than 6" "Yes" "It's greater than 3" "Yes" "But less than 5" "Yes"
"It's 4" "Well done, in you go"
Up comes the fourth warrior. St Peter asked him, "What's 2+2?" "5, Ooo-Rahhhhh!!!" and with no pause he barges past St Peter and in through the pearly gates.
Observing all this, an angel asked St Peter, "What was all that about?"
St Peter answered, "It's perfectly obvious: there must be a war on earth, and those four men were all officers who have been killed." "How can you tell?" inquires the angel.
"The first guy was a engineer, dumb as seaweed and crude as mud, but he
kept hammering away until he got through."
"The second guy was an aviator, who gave me more information than I really required."
"The third guy was an artilleryman, who was uncomfortable with any firm answer, but was bracketing to zero in on the correct answer."
"But what about the fourth guy?" inquired the angel.
"He got it wrong, and then tore through the gates anyway."
Ahh" said St Peter, "That was the infantry - dumber than dirt, but you've gotta just love 'em."
Other Army Slogans
"If I'd feenished Hi Scool, ide be in the Air Force"
"The Army-An Institution that Clinton Never Polluted"
"Why send a fighter in to do what 5,000 grunts can do?"
A warrant officer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The warrant officer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the warrant officer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The warrant officer said, "Look I'm an warrant officer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Bookmarked for future reference.
Haven't laughed so hard since the hogs ate my little brother.
ROFLMAO!
Thanks again for the flag. I wonder how many humor threads get to 200 posts?
Not a slogan but a joke I liked:
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a Pan American 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!" The big 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing. But I didn't stop then."
Sh*t: Through the eyes of the Military
*An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is sh*t!"
*A Marine stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good sh*t!"
*A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great sh*t."
*An Airborne Ranger, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this sh*t."
*The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of sh*t is this?"
_..._
._._.
Ruck
The enlisted Army grunts go out and the fight the battle...
The Air Force enlisted fokes payed attention in High School and earned the right to send their officers off to fight the battle.
The Differential Theory of Special Operations Forces
(Snake Model)
Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operation (AO):
* Paratrooper: Kills the snake.
* Armor: Runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.
* Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty . . . Ouch! Hey, that's not a kitty cat."
* Infantry (alt): "Ugh! Me see snake. Me like snake. Ouch! Me no like snake."
* Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Couldn't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called "The Snake"
* Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.
* Ranger (alt): Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.
* SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.
* Corps Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive TOT with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants are awarded Silver Stars. (Cooks, Mechanics, Legal Clerks etc.)
* Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost
* Combat Controller: Guides the snake elsewhere.
* Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.
* Special Forces: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.
_..._
._._.
Ruck
Those are pretty damn funny....good one ruck.
Your Family Might Be Hooah If...
~Your newborn must attend Rip within the first 30 days of life...
~Your wife's two favorite shades of lipstick are light green and loam...
~Your children clear housing before going to college...
~You require your mechanic to replace the sandbags in you floorboard as part of a routine tune-up...
~Your station wagon is equipped with blackout lights...
~Your kids volunteer to pull air guard on the school bus...
~Your kids call their mother "Household 6."
~You give the command "Fix bayonets" at Thanksgiving Dinner...
~Your kids show their meal cards at the kitchen door, except the oldest, who is on seperate rations...
~You make your daughter sign out on Prom Night...
~You refer to your spouse affectionately as "the wifely unit."
~Your wife conducts an AAR hotwash after sex...
~Your son fails the third grade but tells everyone he was a "phase three recycle."
~Your kids get an LES for their allowance...
~You threaten to punish your spouse for having dinner too late by reducing her to "Wife First Class."
~Your kids recite their ABC's phonetically...
~Your wife left you and you held a "Change of Command" ceramony...
~Your dog's name is "Ranger."
~Your son's name is "Ranger."
~All your possessions are military issue...
~Your kids fashion silly putty to look like Claymores and put them at the perimeter of the backyard...
~your newborn's first words were "all OK Jumpmaster."
~your newborn's first lullabyes were Airborne running cadences.
_..._
._._.
Ruck
Yep, those DIVERSITY CLASSES will do that to you... Just kidding, LOL...
I only wish you guys had had better looking stewardesses on those 130s and 141s...
_..._
._._.
Ruck
I wish that we had better seats. We always sat on crew nets when I was aboard (many times). I was in the Air Force in tactical units. One type was a Combat Communications group, while the other was a Tactical Arcontrol Squadron.
I was definitley not very familiar with an office setting, or my blue uniform. I have spent a total of 2 years in GP Medium tents. We deployed with the Army Patriot battery units and Airbrne units. We provided certain telecomm and radar services to them. Obviously, this could bring us considerably close to the front, so we were an armed unit, trained for survivability and battle.
"I only wish you guys had had better looking stewardesses on those 130s and 141s..."
During my first trip overseas (Okinawa) in the mid 70's, as a young Marine, the aircraft was a DC "8" stretch and packed to the rafters with Marines. Well as they were going through the safety checks and introduction of the flight crew they got to the attendant in the section I was in and her name was Marylyn Chambers the whole aircraft came to a "pregnant pause" and you here from the back "FAR OUT MAN!" then the troops all busted up laughing. It was a long 17 hours to Japan.
This is the Georgia version. Fell free to make substitutions of your choice.
Q: Why do all the pine trees in Georgia lean slightly to the west?
A: 'Cause Auburn sucks!
Another Georgia Version:
Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of Alabama?
A: I-20 East
Okay, now I'm jealous. We always got the mustached crew chief with unshaved legs who drops the tailgate in mid-flight and says "You guys get off here.", and YOU guys got Marylyn Chambers. Why didn't I ever rate one of THOSE flights?
P.S. Did you get to find out if that was her REAL name???
_..._
._._.
Ruck
The 5 Scariest Things in the Army!
1. A Private saying, "I learned this in basic training..."
2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."
4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. And a Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $%!#..."
_..._
._._.
Ruck
it was!
Why didn't I ever rate one of THOSE flights?
Too many reasons to list here you pervert.
...but a talking frog, now that's cool."
LOL
This will be forewarded to my favorite Marine! who happens also to be a software project "engineer"(I still don't know what that is.)
My vote for a bumper sticker #15. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
Well thank you Mr. Puller. Coming from a Marine, I take that as quite a compliment. And to have it come from someone with the high perversion standard that you have achieved, I am deeply honored. ;-)
(BTW, This does NOT mean we are going to start taking warm, meaningful showers together. ;-) )
_..._
._._.
Ruck
Let's see if this fits in the window now:
Another list:
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
16. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
25. Duct tape is like 'the force'. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
5. And a Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $%!#..."
AHHHH the memorys of a young sailor straight out of boot
Picture a beutiful woman a wallet full of money and a motorcycle sailor purchases motorcycle finds a beutiful woman on a beach dinning, dancing,romancing and a good night [wink]
Sailor wakes to the sound of motorcycle spinning away wallet and pants gone to make a long story short
woman caught warrant officers daughter
Sailor goes to warrant officers house to pick up bike and is happy until he says MAY I TRY sailor says yes by all means warrant officer mounts bike and utters the immortal words [watch this %^@#] and proceeds to try and attempt a wheely warrant officer lands on arse and breaks ankle motorcycle runs into warrant officers car nicely crunching passenger door bike scratched and dinged [ keep in mind bike is less than 36 hours old ]
Needless to say i helped warrant officer to house promptly said my goodbyes and got out before any more trouble reared its head and out of all this i never did get my pants back !!!!
I miss that bike
A C-141 was preparing for departure from Thule Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, but the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the Aircraft Commander berated the Airman for his lack of speed and threatened him with punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I am stationed in Thule, Greenland, and I am pumping shit out of airplanes. Just what are you planning to do to punish me?"
My cousin had a similar shirt, only it showed a B-1 bomber. The front showed the mushroom cloud with the words "We rock Moscow" on the back were the words "It's Miller time!"
Just what are you planning to do to punish me?
Shave his head, send him to Okinawa, and take away his birthday?
Kind of reminds me of the fellow who got a job out at Reagan National Airport. His duties included driving the "honey wagon" truck up next to the big birds and hooking up the hose to the lavatory dump.
Problem was that each time he made the connection there was always a little seepage that seemed to get on his clothes. By the time he got home each day he was pretty ripe.
Having just about enough of the daily aroma, his wife finally blew up with, "Why don't you go out and get a decent job that doesn't make you stink"?
Sad and dejected, his only reply, "What, and get out of Aviation"?
Note to all: I did not wrtite these! Hubby sent them to me, LOL.
Subject: "You Might Be a Jarhead If..."
1. You've ever used the term "Oohrah" in any
context other than sarcasm.
2. Your dream home is base housing.
3. You've ever rolled pennies to buy beer on a
weeknight.
4. You've ever sold blood to buy beer.
5. You've ever financed a tattoo.
6. You met your wife at a strip joint.
7. You and your roommate share the same woman.
8. Your kid has a high & tight.
9. You still have your full basic issue.
10. Your boot polish doesn't come out of a
bottle.
11. Your cammies have more starch than your
potatoes.
12. You refer to McDonald's food as "chow."
13. You've ever bought your girlfriend a "bag
nasty."
14. You've ever read your 'Battle Skills'
book for fun.
15. You still know all your General Orders.
16. You refer to E-2s as "My PFC," or "Young
Devil Dog."
17. You call your friends "Devil Dog."
18. Your #1 credit reference is DPP.
19. You think your military training is seriously
worth college credit.
20. Your picture is outside the Career Planner's
office.
21. You have whitewalls on your head, but
not your car.
22. You don't drink on duty section.
23. You have a star on your good cookie.(OR
EVEN HAVE ONE!)
24. You consider going to the Roadhouse a
night on the town.
25. You think that officers fly planes because
they are too stupid to work on them.
Want more? Let me know, LOL.
NEW THREAD PLEASE!!!!
Bill Mauldin
You'r right! Thank you. [I could really learn to hate "senior moments"...]
Hey, me too. Try Google Advanced Search on "Joe and Willy", cartoon, WW-II.
"Samurai"
These samurai jokes are always funny. The following is a bit different.
Seems the mayor of New York City is planning the Memorial Day parade and (after reading a few samurai jokes one supposes) decides to get entries from the various military services. He places ads in the service journals for a contest on who can make the best entry for the celebrations using a samurai sword and three bees.
Well, the navy entrant come in, picks up the sword and whack, whack, whack, three modified (not genetically) bees. The mayor looks closely, and sees the bees are using their wings to send out semaphore signals. One is sending "Remember the Maine", the other a "v" for victory, and the last "Go Navy".
Well, that seemed pretty impressive, but the next guy up is from the air force. He picks up the sword and whack, whack, whack. The bees are now flying in formation, doing acrobatics and such. The mayor thinks that's pretty good, and asks "what do they do for an encore". The air force guy says, "oops, I forgot" and whack, whack, whack, some more changes. All of a sudden there's a boom and a crash of breaking glass. "What the H*ll was that" exclaims the mayor? The air force guy says "I just modified them to fly supersonic".
Now muttering under his breath about broken windows, thankful that the parade will at least be outside, he welcomes in the next contestant. He's amazed to see a doddering old man, dressed in Confederate gray, supported by two guys who are pretty old themselves and who are introduced as the soldier's grandsons. The mayor's thinking this guy must be over a hundred (try 160, his grasp of history before Mickey Mantle and Joe Dimaggio is pretty hazy). He tells the soldier to be careful with the sword. The soldier says, "stand back, sonny", and whips out his own calvary sword. His eyes flash, his movements seem electrically charged, the mayor has never seen such a transformation. Whack, whack whack.
The mayor looks carefully at the bees. One is waving a Confederate battle flag, the next is playing "Dixie" with his wings, but he can't figure what the last one is doing. So he asks.
"Oh that", says the rebel, "he's just mooning Jesse Jackson".
One more bump - just for today.
Bump for later...
220 Posted on 10/11/2001 21:25:58 PDT by mrsmith
Willie and Joe are in a foxhole, somewhere in France. Sitting directly atop their foxhole is a German Tiger Tank. Willie, acting as a forward observer, is on the field phone to his artillery battery. "Abel Fox, this is Abel Fox Five. We got a target for ya, but ya gotta be patient."
Bill Mauldin is who I believe you are referencing.
221 Posted on 11/09/2001 18:32:54 PST by Looking4Truth
Satellite is not in geosynchronous orbit.
222 Posted on 11/09/2001 21:39:02 PST by falfa
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