Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.
GI HUMOR - Army Slogans that didn't make it
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
********************************************
1. "Kill All That You Can Kill"
2. "Shower With Men"
3. "Knock Up Foreign Broads"
4. "All The Grits You Can Eat"
5. "Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler"
6. "Purple Hearts = Free Beers At Hooters"
7. "Whimsical And Human, Just Like M*A*S*H"
8. "Cubicles Are For Wusses"
9. "Napalm Means Serious BBQ"
10. "Over 1,000,000 Sheared, Beaten, And Worked Into A Sub-Human Fury!"(My favorite)
11. "Totally Beefcake and Proud of It"
12. "Beat Up Sailors"
13. "We Won't Screw Your Mind Up As Bad As The Marines Will"
14. "Kicking Nazi Tail Since 1942"
15. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Accessorize"
16. "Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!"
17. "Play Doom For Real"
18. "Sure Beats Lurnin'!"
19. "Because Terminators Are Real"
20. "Forget Nation-Building -- Let's Destroy One!"
I think these are hilarious, so time for a humor break.
"Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!"
"Because Terminators Are Real."
I like these two.
Yeah the "Risk your life...." one has too much truth in it to be really funny....
Bump
"We're queer and we're here....but we're quiet about it"
I always liked "Join the Army - The Judge Says So"
Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days
> 1. Well, aren't we just a ray of f*****g sunshine?
> 2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
> 3. Do I look like a f*****g people person?
> 4. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
(This is where I work)
> 6. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
> 7. You! Off my planet!!
> 8. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
> 9. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. (Brilliant)
> 10. Did the aliens forget to remove your an@l probe?
> 11. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
> 12. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
> 13. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
> 14. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
> 15. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
> 16. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
> 17. Earth is full, Go home.
I'm gonna try to turn this into an all-out humor thread...
Guys and Gals.....POST 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM!!
A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The co-ed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.
"Yale," she replied.
The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
"Bomber Bin Bubba's gone - everybody back in the water!"
How to speak about WOMEN and be POLITICALLY CORRECT...
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER. ROTFLMAO
--------------------------------------------------------------------
How to speak about MEN and be POLITICALLY CORRECT...
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
US Army: Our business is killing people
US Army: We have guns, we'll teach you how to use them
US Army: Get in touch with your inner barbarian.
LOL I have never seen that one before.
Found a few jokes for you guys if you're in the mood....:-)
Found a few jokes for you guys if you're in the mood.
Army: Travel to foreign lands, meet interesting new people, and kill them.
National guard: ... but only on weekends!
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day:
The first worm -- dead
Second worm -- dead
Third worm -- dead
Fourth worm -- alive
Lesson:
As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.
lovecraft since you told that about an Alabama Tider I've only got two words for you:
WAR EAGLE
"The few, the proud, the dingy"
ROTFLMAO.......Hey, I'm a TN Vol fan....Tiders are always fair game....:-)
Humor Bump
A friend of mine had a t-shirt back in the days of Ronaldus Magnus (Happy Birthday, Mr. President, we still love ya!).
It showed the Strategic Air Command emblem, complete with the scroll saying "Peace is Our Profession."
On the back, it said, "War is Just Our Hobby."
United States Air Force.
Protecting your skies.
Nine to five, Monday through Friday.
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father," says the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again.
"Well, no." says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet," the man replies. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew over a bit of forest near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
Silence filled the confessional until the Priest sighed and said, "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?"
Aww man, I'd give 50 bucks for a shirt like that...LMAO
When I joined we had to do the urine test and the Staff Sergeant monitoring us was singing
"Pee....all that you can peeee"
Thank you for a great laugh! These are the funniest things I've seen for a while...
Appreciated....I needed this as bad as anybody today...:-)
bump
Go Bayou Bengals!!! Jamma the Bamma! BBQ War Chickens!
A "Thanks for the bump" BUMP.
There's always the classic, "Let Us Win Your Hearts and Minds...or We'll Burn Your Damn Huts Down!"
sola gracia
How can you be some kind of coonass legen and not have a bunch of x's and q's in your name.
Bear Bryant, 1959 talking about Billy Cannon
sola gracia
How can you be some kind of coonass legend and not have a bunch of x's and q's in your name.
Bear Bryant, 1959 talking about Billy Cannon
With all these kick-ass additions, I should send these back to my Army buddy that originally sent it to me.
"K.P.: An Army of Wonder Bread"
Ahh, maybe not.
This young stud, new in town, strolls into the local bar, sits down and starts drinking. After a few brews, he's watching the TV behind the bar and the news comes on. The first story is about then president clintoon making some statement or other. Our young stud is definitely unimpressed with clintoon, and says, "That clinton is a real horse's a*s!" A big ol' boy from the other end of the bar gets up, walks over to the youngster and with just one swing, knocks our young stud off the bar stool and half-way down the aisle toward the restroom door.
The big guy then turns around without saying a word and saunters back to his seat and resumes drinking. Shaken but not deterred, our young stud does the same, except with a stagger rather than a saunter. A little later in the newscast, after a few more brews, hitlary comes on and says something and, again, our young man, obviously unimpressed by the smartest women in the world, says,"that woman is full of horse s**t!" From a yet to be determined location in our local bar, a guy larger than the first one, wearing a cowboy hat, appears behind our young stud and delivers a blow sufficient to take our youngster off his bar stool and almost ALL the way down the aisle to restroom door.
When he regains consciousness, our young stud, staggering not so much from his drinking as from two monster blows to his head, manages to crawl back up onto his bar stool and ask for another brew. When the bar tender delivers, the young stud says to him, "Gosh, I didn't know this was clinton country!" "It isn't," replied the bartender, "It's horse country!"
Sorry - I know this is an old one, but it's one of my favorites!
When I started recruiting in 1978 we had bumper stickers to pass out to the kids that said "Keep America Green, Join the Army" (I don't know enough html to make the word green).
Needless to say these didn't last long before the infamous "Be All You Can Be" blitz started.
OK, I'll try my hand at an old "shaggy dog" story:
A preacher came to the elders of his church and tendered his resignation. When pressed for an explanation, he would only say "Mother Green".
"Mother Green? Who's that? What do you mean?" the elders asked, but the preacher adamently refused to elaborate. The elders asked the preacher to stay until a replacement could be found, and he did so.
The new preacher arrived, and asked the departing pastor why he was giving up his flock. "Mother Green" he said, and once again refused to elaborate.
The new preacher took over, and on one particular Sunday morning, things were going swimmingly. The collection plate was full, the choir was singing on key, and he was in fine voice, raining fire and brimstone on his mesmerized audience. Suddenly, the back doors of the church were flung open, and in strutted, no, flounced a woman, built like the proverbial brick outhouse. She sported a short-short miniskirt, and displayed cleavage nearly to her naval. She sinuously slithered to the front of the church, sat in the front pew, and threw her leg over the armrest. She wore no underwear.
The preacher looked, looked again, and turning to a tenor in the choir, asked, "Is that Mother Green?"
"I don't think so, pastor," said the tenor. "I think it's just the way the sun is hitting it through the stained-glass window."
Snort
Oh man, that's a good one...LOL
My favorite were,
"Hurry up! Biscuit Kitchen closes in an hour!", and
"The choppers are 20 minutes out!"
"Keep America Green, Join the Army"
Like this?
Are you retired, or do you still recruit? If so, I'd be posting these things all over the place....LOL
The brass wouldn't like it, but I'd bet you'd improve your numbers.
These are great! Here are several more:
Not the sharpest crayon in the box (similar to yours)
Two French fries short of a Happy Meal
He/she's two quarts low
Easy, I grew up in New Orleans of ScotIrish ancestry. But I love those Tigers. I live in Minnesota now.
Billy Cannon was one of the great ones. So was the Bear. I have an autographed copy of his book, Bear.
Hope you guys don't get the "death penalty" with your recruiting violations.
No confusion. Those were great....keep 'em coming.
Pssst - I hope Fulmer is able to steer clear of all this too...ESPN would love to see us fall....Bad blood between the Vols and ESPN.
"Enlist! It's Safe Without the Soviets."
Or maybe:
"SCUDCATCHERS"
How bout:
Welcome to the Army:
Where men are men, and so are the women.
Another football one. Now that the season is over the seniors on the Nebraska Cornhuskers are debating whether to go pro or . . . . con
Jerry, yep, that's what I meant, except only the word green was actually...you know..green.
Lovecraft, yep, retired in 94. I recruited in Cookeville for 6 years, are you in that part of the country? I have relatives in Clinton (argh) and Knoxville, working at UT. Fulmer won't have any problems, he's straight up a good coach.
Sola, I have a copy of the book, but not autographed, it would never be published today, too much honesty in it. BTW, I'm only an Alabama fan when they are NOT playing Auburn. My inlaws up here in Indiana are LSeaux fans. They used to listen on Saturday nights back before ESPN. I went to a game in Baton Rouge when I was at beautiful Camp Swampy, biggest party I've ever seen, 75,000 drunks.
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,974.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked in the box under the bed. However, today the temptation was to much and I gave in. But now I need to know, Why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought of a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but thought to herself, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess three times is not that bad considering the number of years we have been together..." They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered. "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
Well not only do you have family in Knoxville, you also got a friend....that's where I live. LOL
I just caught this on that other thread....I thought about flagging ya to post it over here. Great minds must think alike....hehe
A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next to the bed on the floor. He doesn't believe his dog is dead, so he takes him to the vet, and the vet says, ''I'm sorry, but your dog is dead.'' The man doesn't believe him and says, ''I want a second opinion.''.
The doctor goes into the back and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog and bites it and says to the vet, ''Meeoowrr.'' The vet says again, ''I'm sorry, sir, your dog is dead.'' The man says, ''No, I want another opinion.''
So the doctor brings out a Laborador Retriever and he jumps all over the dead dog and tugs at it and barks at it and says to the vet, ''Rrrrr.'' The vet says, ''I'm sorry, sir, but your dog is dead. that will be 500 dollars.''
''$500 to tell me my dog is dead?'' asks the man. ''Well,'' the vet replies, ''I'm 100 dollars, the cat scan was $300 and the lab test was $200''.
I saw a T shirt showing a BUFF (B-52 Bomber) with a mushroom cloud behind it in the distance. The caption was "It's Miller time."
As a result of Senate-proposed force reductions and budget cuts, the U.S. Marine Corps has developed a program to reduce the number of personnel. This program is under test phase and will take affect 1 January 2001.
Under this new program, older Marine personnel will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger Marines who represent the future of the Corps. Therefore, this program will phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year. This initial phase of the program will be known as the Serviceman Late-Aged Program (SLAP).
Marines who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the Corps. SLAPPED Marines can request a review of their personnel records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is
called the Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers (SCREW).
All personnel who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with their chain of command with final authority at the Wing or Division level. This is called the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT).
Under the terms of the new policy, a Marine may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the Marine Corps deems appropriate.
If a Marine follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-Sum Assistance Payment), unless he/she
already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any Marine who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the Corps. The Corps wants to
assure the younger Marines who remain on board that the service will continue its policy of training through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
The Corps takes pride in the amount of SHIT our Marines receive.
We have given our people more SHIT than any other service.
If any Marine feels they do not receive enough SHIT at their current duty station, see your immediate supervisor. YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIFICALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.
It was late at night as the Pope, who had just departed this world, was approaching the gates of heaven. There was no one around, but there was a small shack just prior to the gates with a light on. The Pope stepped into the shack and startled a young man half-asleep sitting at a small steel gray desk.
“Excuse me” said the Pope, “but I’m supposed to check in here with St. Peter, but there is no one at the gate.”
“Yea, Yea” said the young man, “where are your orders?”
“I don’t have any orders,” said the Pope.
“Well, its too late to check in tonight anyhow” said the young man. “Just go around to the back of this building, find a rack and dump your trash in a locker. St. Peter will be here in the morning and you can check in then.”
The Pope grabs his stuff and walks around the building only to find a W.W. II style open bay barracks. The racks are stacked three high and the only open one is all the way at the end of the building and it’s on top. He drags his stuff to the end of the building but there is no locker for him. He takes a deep breath, thinks about it for a minute and decides that this is just one final test. He crawls up into his rack and falls asleep. Suddenly he is awakened by a loud commotion outside the barracks. As he walks outside he sees a huge crowd of angels cheering and clapping as a gold convertible limousine approaches. As it draws nearer the Pope sees a guy in flight suit and Marine leather flight jacket in the back seat with a beautiful angel on each arm, a beer in his hand and he is smoking one of the biggest cigars the Pope has ever seen.
The Pope turns to young man who checked him in and asked, “Who is that guy?”
“A Marine pilot” the young man replied.
The Pope says, “ I don’t get it. I worked hard all of my life to do God’s work on earth. As a young man I studied hard at the seminary, as a priest I labored long and hard to tend my flock and provide guidance when they strayed. I struggled as a bishop to serve the church and as Pope I was able to attract more followers of the faith. Yet, when I reach heaven, St. Peter isn’t here to greet me, I have to carry my own bags, I get stuck in the top rack of an open bay barracks and I don’t even have a locker for my bags!”
The young man looks at the Pope and says “Look, we get a Pope every 20-30 years, but this guy is the first Marine pilot who has ever actually made it to heaven!”
A small-town preacher was riding his bicycle home from church, when he spotted a small boy sitting dejectedly on top of a push lawnmower, in front of a tall, overgrown lawn.
"What's the matter, son?" asked the preacher.
"Aw, it's just that it's gonna take me all summer mowing lawns to earn enough to buy a bicycle", said the boy. "All my friends have bikes already!"
The preacher thinks for a minute, then tells the boy, "You know, the church really needs a new lawn mower. If you really want a bike that badly, I'd trade you this almost-new bike for your mower. Would that make you happy?"
"Heck yes", beamed the boy, "you got yourself a deal, mister!".
The preacher hands over his bike to the little boy, and takes a look at his new mower. He pulls on the starter rope, then pulls again and again, and nothing happens.
"Oh, you hafta cuss at it real loud to get it to start", says the boy. "Ain't no other way."
"Son," said the preacher, "I'm a man of the cloth. I don't cuss or swear. I've long ago forgotten that kind of language."
"Well," said the little boy, "you just keep on yankin' that rope for awhile, and it'll come back to ya."
My favorite is "Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler"
OK I'll bite.
Old Lyle, was a fifty year old Texas truck driver, who had never ever been with a woman.
So, on his 50th birthday, he shows up at a truckstop that also has a whorehouse upstairs.
After a few beers, all his buddies chip in for a birthday present, and lead him upstairs.
The Madam greets him "Congratulations Lyle, you are about to experience the time of your life!"
Well, old Lyle, kinda shyly says "Mam, I never done this before, so's I ain't too good at this here."
"Lyle, don't worry, were here to please, so would you like an 'around the world', or 'a humpty dumpty', or a '69'? Lyle what is it that you would like?"
"Mam, like I said, I don't know much of anything about this stuff, so I don't know; jes gimmee one of them '69' things."
So Lyle goes off to door #4 and meets Mitzi, and they get setup for one of them '69' things.
Well, Mitzi had just had a bowl of the "house chili" from downstairs, and it wasn't reacting quite right. So, while involved in one of them '69' things she starts squirming from the gas pain, but can't hold it any longer, and lets forth with a blast of awful gas.
Old Lyle's head snaps back,"whew, Oh man!". But, it's been feelin pretty good now, so's he goes back into that '69 thing.
Shortly, Mitzi gets another gas attack, and trys to hold it back, but it finally gets away from her, and once again blasts this horrendous gas.
Lyle snaps his head back, and pushes Mitzi off the top of him.
" A'm sorry Mam, that was feelin good, but I jes can't take another 67 of them things!!!"
I saw a T shirt showing a BUFF (B-52 Bomber) with a mushroom cloud behind it in the distance. The caption was "It's Miller time."
I saw one that had a pic of an FB-111, with a mushroom cloud and the caption: Warsaw Pact central heating.
whoops-font off.
fixed?
LOL! These are funny. Thanks.
The one I have heard a lot is....
"Kill them all and let God sort them out."
Hooo-WAH!!!
Oh man you gotta stop, I got tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.
ROFLOL! Those are really good. I just emailed your posts to hubby on base. Thanks!
Upon taking his monastic vows, Brother Anthony is dispatched to a remote monastary where he hoped to spend the rest of his life in his chosen order. Upon arriving at the monastary, Anthony is received by the Abbott and given an overview of the monastary's day to day operations. The Abbott also informs Anthony, that despite the vow of silence, special dispensation is granted every five years, permitting the brothers to speak two words.
Anthony quickly falls into the monastic lifestyle and seems to enjoy an austere, ascetic life of toil and prayer. After completing his first five years, he is called to the Abbott, and is told that he may speak his two words...
"Cold food!" Anthony informs the Abbott, and returns to his labors and meditations.
Five more winters pass in complete silence, and again, Anthony is summoned to the Abbott, and granted two more words..."Bed hard," Anthony states, and departs the Abbott's office.
Anthony's life of poverty, chastity, and silence continue with little consequence, until, at the end of 15 years he is brought once again to the Abbott, and granted two words..."Want quit!" Anthony declares. "That's fine with me," states the Abbott, "You've done nothing but bitch since you came here!"
At your service Madam - and if you're not a madam, my apoligies to the male who calls himself "Snow Bunny"...:-)
A golden oldie from WWII, by a cartoonist whose name presently escapes me...
Willie and Joe are in a foxhole, somewhere in France. Sitting directly atop their foxhole is a German Tiger Tank. Willie, acting as a forward observer, is on the field phone to his artillery battery.
"Abel Fox, this is Abel Fox Five. We got a target for ya, but ya gotta be patient."
Thanks for the good one - bump!!
A wealthy man was about to pass away. He had always heard that you couldn't take it with you, but he wanted to try. He had all of his vast holdings converted into gold bars. Sure enough, he soon died. The mortician was honest enough to put all the gold into the coffin with the dear departed. When he got to the pearly gates he said proudly to St. Peter: "See, I did take it with me."
St. Peter said: "you brought pavement?"
ROTFL ! I love