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Posted on 12/25/2001 5:09:52 PM PST by dighton

Since, once this paper is tossed aside, you will have to sit addle-brained among the yule detritus, struggling to compose thank-you letters, I thought I might kick-start you with a few inspirational examples from yesteryear . . .

Dear Uncle Fritz,
Thank you very much for the big round thing. I have not worked out how to play it yet because I cannot fit it under my chin and when I put it between my legs it pops out again. I have tried sitting at it, but it rolls away, and when I blow it, it just gets bigger without any notes coming out. The boy next door says you kick it, but he is a fool, he is nearly six and still can’t play the Toccata and Fugue. Maybe you pluck it.

Your devoted nephew,
Wolfgang Amadeus

Dear Mother,
Thank you for the slippers. They are good slippers. They have this thing the good slippers have, which is the woolly bobble on the top, and they have the fluffy stuff inside for when the cold comes down from the North.

But they also have this other thing which is not so good. It is the way it is with slippers, sometimes. It is where they are two sizes too big, and then what happens is, they fall off, and this is a bad thing. It is one of the worst things there is. If you are running with the bulls and one of your slippers comes off, it can happen that you will end up with a wound Down There. With the big bulls of Pamplona it is good to have afición, and it is good to have cojones, but it is even better to have slippers that do not fall off.

When it is no longer Christmas and the yellow lights are on again in the stores, I shall do the thing where you go in and exchange them for mittens.

It will not be easy, but it must be done. That is the way it is.

Your loving son,
Ernest

Dear Daddy,
Thank you for the teddy bear and the stuffed donkey and the furry piglet and the stripy tiger. They are great fun for playing Big Game Hunter! I have hanged the teddy bear, and drowned the donkey (it was ever such fun in the bath tonight), and shoved a pointed stick up the pig's bum and roasted him over the nursery fire, and skinned the tiger and threw his insides out of the window! I asked Santa for a meat cleaver, but he did not bring it, so you probably won't have to advertise for another nanny for a bit.

Yours truly,
Christopher Robin

Cher Vincent,
Thank you so much for the ear. It was a most thoughtful gift, and I know just how much it must have meant to you to break up the set.

Unfortunately, one of my other friends, an elegant gentleman from Béziers with several major retail outlets, was generous enough to send me a darling little poodle for Christmas; while I was decorating the tree, I carelessly left your ear in the bidet, and the dog got it.

How I wish things could have been otherwise; for example, if your ear had got the dog. But things do not always happen the way we want them to in this world, n'est-ce pas? By the way, I am afraid I will not be able to see you again. I have never done it with a monaural person, and do not wish to start now. But that is just silly me being squeamish -- I am sure you will find someone else.

Happy New Year!
Claudine Sauvignon

Dear Scott,
Thank for the gloves. Smart, if a bit thin.

Oates

My dear Messrs Shadbolt and Truelove,
Words cannot express my gratitude for your munificent gift! I purchase my unguents and purgative jellies from your unparagoned emporium for their own excellent sake, and not in expectation of such egregious reciprocity. I see from the accompanying note that you live in hope of the continuance of my custom in 1660; well, gentlemen, you may rest assured upon that score! The book is a veritable delight! I have long wanted a volume setting out the height of tides, phases of the moon, sedan rates, useful knots, foreign coinages, and so forth. That the bulk of the tome consists of blank pages is, I confess, something of a mystery to me, but I am certain that these will be put to good use, as pipe spills, ear reamers, laundry lists, or whatever.

Yours most gratefully,
Samuel Pepys

Copyright 2001 Times Newspapers Ltd.

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