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  • MORFORD: Which Way To The Apocalypse?

    06/09/2006 7:46:33 AM PDT · by SmithL · 8 replies · 474+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 6/9/6 | Mark Morford
    When all the fanatical Christians disappear, will traffic finally improve? Wait, did I miss it? Did it happen three days ago, on 6-6-06, a.k.a. Tea Time with the Beast, a.k.a. the Great Day of Reckoning, a.k.a. the National Day of Slayer, all the world crashing down in a heap of hissing steam and belching smoke and balmy gusty breezes sometime around noon just after lunch but not before rush hour and hitting right around siesta? I might have been napping. Did the Apocalypse finally hit? Did the deep wish of roughly a half-billion zealous believers come to pass and were...
  • Bring on 6$ a Gallon Gas

    05/10/2006 7:56:48 PM PDT · by Tzimisce · 50 replies · 2,161+ views
    SFGate.com ^ | Mark Morford
    No wait, not six. To hell with that. Make it 10. Ten bucks a gallon, no matter what the going rate for a barrel of light sweet crude. That would so completely, violently, brilliantly do it. Revolutionize the country. Firebomb our pungent stasis. Change everything. Don't you agree? Here's what we could do: Give gas discounts to cab drivers (at least initially) and metro transit systems and low-income folks, those who have to drive their busted-up '78 Honda Civics to their jobs scrubbing restaurant toilets and flipping burgers and vacuuming the residual cocaine from the seat cushions of numb SUV...
  • MORFORD: Christian Virgins Are Overrated

    05/12/2006 5:59:51 AM PDT · by SmithL · 19 replies · 1,740+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 5/12/6 | Mark Morford
    Think sex and drugs destroy America? Try naive chastity. Oh, and "Purity Balls" There are these things. These unholy events called "Purity Balls" and you should probably fall to your knees right this minute and thank a merciful and lubricious and happily polyamorous God that you do not know what they are and that you have access right this minute to vast quantities of wine to deflect their nasty karmic arrows because, you know, oh my God. But hey, free country. Purity Balls. No, not some sort of newfangled spherical chastity device to be inserted using vacuum tubes and pulleys,...
  • MORFORD: Can You Still Hate Wal-Mart?

    05/24/2006 7:44:47 AM PDT · by SmithL · 26 replies · 1,087+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 5/24/6 | Mark Morford
    It's a shockingly eco-friendly plan from the world's most toxic retailer. Did hell just freeze over? Sometimes you just have to let the possibility breathe. Sometimes you just have to allow that something grand and good and healthy might actually be born from the bowels of the dank and ravenous megacorporate world, like flowers from a dung heap, like vodka from old potatoes, even if it comes right alongside the nastiest, most abusive federal environmental policy you will see in your lifetime. Take Wal-Mart, the most famously offensive, town-destroying, junk-purveying, labor-abusing, sweatshop-supporting, American-job-killing, soul-numbing, seizure-inducing, hope-curdling retailer in the known...
  • MORFORD: To The Drunk Who Smashed My Car Quite a wreck you made, didn't you?

    11/11/2005 9:31:11 AM PST · by BurbankKarl · 25 replies · 983+ views
    SF GATE ^ | 11/11/05 | Miss Morford
    Yes, I know you were drunk. Must've been. Either drunk or on serious meds and/or you just didn't give much of a damn about anything anyway because you're just one of those people, one of those types who comes lurching around the city like a chunk of numbed pain in your big-ass mid-'80s burgundy car with the white top and chrome bumpers -- an old Cadillac? Monte Carlo? -- early last Sunday morning to wreak casual havoc. Is that about right? Do you remember any of it? Here is what I'm guessing: probably not. Let me tell you what happened,...
  • MORFORD: God Does Not Want 16 Kids

    10/19/2005 7:48:41 AM PDT · by SmithL · 85 replies · 2,225+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 10/19/5 | Mark Morford
    Arkansas mom gives birth to a whole freakin' baseball team. How deeply should you cringe? Who are you to judge? Who are you to say that the more than slightly creepy 39-year-old woman from Arkansas who just gave birth to her 16th child yes that's right 16 kids and try not to cringe in phantom vaginal pain when you say it, who are you to say Michelle Duggar is not more than a little unhinged and sad and lost? And furthermore, who are you to suggest that her equally troubling husband -- whose name is, of course, Jim Bob...
  • MORFORD: What God Really Told Bush

    10/12/2005 7:56:21 AM PDT · by SmithL · 18 replies · 1,192+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 10/12/5 | Mark Morford
    Apparently, it wasn't just "invade Iraq and Afghanistan in my name." A special report: Scene: White House private residence, night, not long ago. President Bush present in his most favoritest guns 'n' bunnies PJs. Laura asleep, knocked out by a combination of too much Good Housekeeping and excessive hair-spray fumes. Suddenly, a burst of black smoke. A deep, resonant voice speaks: "Psst! George! God here, taking a break from supervising the well-being of eight billion troubled souls along with infinite galaxies of unimaginable vastness to speak with you directly one more time because, well, you're special, aren't you, George? Yes...
  • MORFORD: Love Still Rules San Francisco

    09/30/2005 7:51:22 AM PDT · by SmithL · 6 replies · 679+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 9/30/5 | Mark Morford
    Leather, techno, sex & war: more only-in-SF juice to make you proud. Take that, uptight neocons. It was the moment when we walked by a jam-packed S.F. City Hall and realized it was open to host a VIP techno dance party, while immediately outside its gilded doors upward of 50,000 revelers wandered and shimmied and flaunted their costumes and drank nasty Red Bull cocktails in the huge Civic Center plaza for the third annual Love Parade, everyone baring flesh and shaking their groove thangs to any one of 200 world-class (well, some of them) DJs spinning their wares on over...
  • MORFORD: Kneel Before The Meteorologist

    09/28/2005 7:53:00 AM PDT · by SmithL · 22 replies · 1,082+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 9/28/5 | Mark Morford
    At last, one scientist BushCo will definitely -- albeit resentfully -- listen to. Sometimes. So now we know. This is what it takes. This is how far the nation has to crumble and this is how many people have to die and this is how many tens of billions it has to cost and this is how far his dirt-low poll numbers have to fall before Bush will finally come out and say he agrees with one of those godforsaken gul-dang book-learned scientist types. You know the ones. Those informed and well-educated data-crunchers he normally despises like a kid hates...
  •   Gay football player talks about his life

    04/19/2005 1:27:46 PM PDT · by real saxophonist · 126 replies · 4,078+ views
    Greeley Tribune ^ | April 19, 2005 | Jesse Fanciulli
      Gay football player talks about his life Jesse Fanciulli April 19, 2005 Esera Tuaolo isn't the man you might expect. He weighs 310 pounds, and says he feels light as a feather. He spent nine years as a defensive lineman in the manly-man world of the National Football League. And he's gay. Tuaolo spent most of his life trying to be the man everyone expected: The man who laughed at fag jokes in the locker room and bedded women he met at bars. "I made sure my teammates saw me kissing women and going home with them," Tuaolo told...
  • Communism and human nature (Bolshie Mod sez, Arise ye kittens of the earth!)

    04/05/2005 10:50:57 AM PDT · by Sammy sam · 153 replies · 8,234+ views
    Many argue that communism will never be possible because of "human nature". The essence of this false argument is the belief that a communist society would consist of an all-powerful central government that would tell everybody what to do--and would therefore undermine the creative initiative of individuals and the search for happiness. • This argument is based on two false assumptions: (1) It assumes that a communist society will look like the former Soviet Union, or the current China, North Korea, etc (ie: corrupt police states with a feudal-style ruling class) (2) It assumes that people will only work in...
  • Why Want Bush Do Something about the cost of gas? (ZOT!!! He awaits orders from Juwish Modz.)

    03/23/2005 4:07:55 PM PST · by John Zell · 175 replies · 8,487+ views
    Gas costs so much. I cant afford it. Why want Bush do something? Don't say he can't. His daddy or his handlers could be on the phone in 2 minutes with the Rothchilds and by 1 week, oil prices would be under $20 and gas would be 1 dollar a gallon. You know it and I know it. Why want he? Do you know? Is there sombody we can call? Plaese advice.
  • ZOT! CIA CONROLS THE MEDIA VIOLATION OF THE FIRST AMENDENT RIGHT TO A FREE PRESS ALL 50 STATES

    03/10/2005 4:38:21 PM PST · by freepress3482 · 108 replies · 3,469+ views
    The Media CIA CONTROLED MEDIDA AND/OR MEDIA MANIPULATION IS A VIOLATION OF THE FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT TO A FREE PRESS CONCERNING ALL 50 STATES AND EVERY AMERICAN CITIZEN PLEASE REVIEW: http://government.rantnetwork.com/usgovcoverups (read website on "operation mockingbird") Journalism is a perfect cover for CIA agents. People talk freely to journalists, and few think suspiciously of a journalist aggressively searching for information. Journalists also have power, influence and clout. Not surprisingly, the CIA began a mission in the late 1940s to recruit American journalists on a wide scale, a mission it dubbed Operation MOCKINGBIRD. The agency wanted these journalists not only to...
  • YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! Stop Harrasment at the DU or we WILL strike back. (Tremble, tremble, ZOT!!!)

    01/17/2005 2:24:35 PM PST · by DUsoldier · 701 replies · 18,296+ views
    Author: a scary person.
    IF YOU DELETE MY SCREEN NAME THE WAR WILL BEGIN I AM THE AMBASSADOR...We will plague your message boards My Fellow Soldiers will strike back
  • Morford: America Loves Kinky Sex

    12/01/2004 6:07:56 AM PST · by presidio9 · 166 replies · 5,721+ views
    San Francisco Chronicle ^ | Wednesday, December 1, 2004 | Mark Morford
    Here's my suggestion: let them have it. Just do it. Let the sexually bitter and morally frantic conservative groups now dictating governmental policy and FCC agendas and paranoid media attitudes have their time, their brief cultural burp, their little speed bump on the great and beckoning highway that will still lead us all, inexorably, irreversibly, though often agonizingly, toward grinning open-thighed progress. Because here's the fabulous thing: no matter what these faux-Christian groups do, no matter how hard they oppress and protest and clamp down, this is a road that leads, despite all dour headlines and sour prognostications otherwise, toward...
  • Gay ex-Falcon comes out -- but is he famous enough to change anything?

    10/25/2002 8:33:55 AM PDT · by Lance Romance · 24 replies · 640+ views
    Atlanta Journal Constitution | 10-25-02 | Jay Croft
    Gay ex-Falcon comes out -- but is he famous enough to change anything? Bryant Gumbel let me down. For at least a week, Gumbel has been promoting his HBO show's "coming out" interview next Tuesday with a former NFL player. Speculation sprouted all over Internet chat rooms and even in the Minneapolis Star Tribune, where rumors had been whispered about a former Viking. Who would it be? Gay folks are always hoping celebrities will come out of the closet publicly. We get downright giddy about a glamorous, male athlete doing so because -- well, because it's never really happened before....