Articles Posted by John Semmens

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  • Administration Expert Calls for Zero CO2 Emissions [satire]

    12/28/2014 8:00:27 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    White House Science Adviser John Holdren declared that “the global goal should be to strive for zero carbon dioxide emissions by the year 2100.” He also warned that “it won’t be easy.” One of the factors adding to the difficulty is that every living creature exhales CO2 as an essential function of being alive. The seemingly simple solution of exterminating every living thing is complicated by the emission of greenhouse gases—including CO 2—from decaying corpses. Despite these looming difficulties, Holdren says he is “optimistic that ways around these impediments will be devised before we get to 2100. If the exhalation...
  • Song Mocking Michael Brown Spurs Investigation [satire]

    12/27/2014 5:41:26 PM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    The disclosure that a song making fun of Michael Brown—the young man shot by Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson last August—was played at a party at an Elks Lodge in Glendale California has inspired the Los Angeles Police Department to open an investigation. “Michael Brown has become an icon of the Black Community,” LAPD information officer Jesus Santos asserted. “Many see him as a martyr who died defending the rights of their race. White people have no right to mock him. We need to find out who is behind this song and bring him or her to justice.” Santos speculated...
  • Rangel Decries "Dead Cops" Slander [satire]

    12/27/2014 8:17:15 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY) contended that claims that police brutality protesters chanted "we want dead cops" are "a slander against Black people." This is despite video and audio evidence that appears to verify the claim. "To my ears, these protesters are saying 'we want dread cops,'" Rangel maintained. "Some of us may not have the strongest skills with the English language or be very good with our elocution, but in my heart I can't believe that my people would call for bloodshed." In Rangel's view it makes more sense that the demonstrators were calling for "dread cops, because dreads are...
  • GOP to Become Party of "Yes" [satire]

    12/26/2014 10:59:44 PM PST · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Incoming Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) brushed off complaints from his Party's conservative wing that his recent actions on the Cromnibus Bill served mainly to enable President Obama's illegal amnesty and fund all of his ill-conceived initiatives—including Obamacare—that Republicans had pledged to oppose if they won the November elections. "Rather than get bogged down in fighting over every specific policy or program, we are going to rebrand the GOP as the Party of 'yes,'" McConnell said. "People don't like to hear the word 'no.' They prefer to get what they want. If we can communicate the message that Republicans...
  • Sessions Will Not Be Senate Budget Committee Chairman [satire]

    12/24/2014 9:55:20 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala) will not be the incoming chairman of the Senate Budget Committee. He has been pushed aside in favor of Sen. Mike Enzi (R-Wyo) despite having served as the top Republican on the committee for the past four years. “It came down to a simple question of who was acceptable to President Obama,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) said. “While Senator Sessions has served competently while our Party was in the minority, the President has made it clear that someone more agreeable must man this vital post going forward.” “The time for contesting the priorities of...
  • President’s Change in Cuban Policy Called “First Step” [satire]

    12/23/2014 8:28:15 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Congressman Charlie Rangel (D-NY) hailed President Obama’s move to reestablish diplomatic relations with Cuba as “inspired leadership that has made me proud to be an American.” “For too long a succession of white presidents has oppressed this small, racially diverse island nation,” Rangel contended. “It took a Black man to right this wrong.” Rangel said he hopes that “diplomatic recognition is the just the first step. We need to make reparations for the 50 years of suffering the US Government has imposed on the Cuban people.” The Congressman said he “would support legislation aimed at providing food, housing, and other...
  • University Students Sign Petition to Deport Citizens [satire]

    12/22/2014 9:30:24 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Two-thirds of the George Washington University students who were asked to sign a petition calling for Americans to be deported in order to make room for illegal immigrants to reside in the country did so. “The ones we’ve labeled as ‘illegal immigrants’ have just as much right to be here as anyone,” said political science major Adelle Pated. “I mean, as a nation of immigrants, the recent arrivals are probably more representative of what this country is all about than the people born here.” “Deporting anti-social segments of the citizenry to balance out the population flow makes ecological sense,” contended...
  • US Nuclear Disarmament 85% Accomplished [satire]

    12/21/2014 8:13:29 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    The State Department’s Under-Secretary for Arms Control and International Security, Rose Gottemoeller, proudly bragged to a Brookings Institution gathering that “our progress toward total nuclear disarmament is now 85% of the way there. If we can maintain the pace, our last nuclear device will be moth-balled before President Obama completes his term.” Gottemoeller asserted that “it is our fervent hope that our example will inspire others to follow suit” and maintained that “a nuclear-free world will be a safer world.” Whether either of these aspirations would bear out is unknown. Prior to the dawn of the nuclear age less potent...
  • Sony Gives Sharpton Say So on Future Movie Releases [satire]

    12/20/2014 1:32:01 PM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    In an effort to undo some of the damage from the release of embarrassing internal emails by hackers angry over the movie "The Interview," Sony executive Amy Pascal agreed to let race expert Al Sharpton have the final say on any future movies the firm makes. Although not a party to the hacking, per se, Sharpton castigated Sony for "it's extreme racial bias in the way this controversial film was made. Blacks were excluded from all the major roles. I don't buy the idea that a movie about a Korean dictator isn't a good fit for Black actors. If Jamie...
  • Homeland Security Advises Bigger, Stronger Fence [satire]

    12/20/2014 7:13:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Citing the “dire threat” posed by uninvited intruders, the US Department of Homeland Security is recommending a substantial investment in improved fencing for the White House. “As it stands right now, hostile elements can easily breach the meager barrier that the current fence around the White House presents,” Secretary Jeh Johnson complained. “This is as grave a threat to our nation and its government as could exist. We must take steps to seal off the ease of ingress as a matter of national security.” Administration critics juxtaposed Johnson’s alarm over the inadequacy of the White House fence with his more...
  • Judge Says President's Executive Action on Immigration Unconstitutional [satire]

    12/19/2014 3:49:54 PM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Judge Arthur Schwab of the Western District of Pennsylvania ruled that portions of President Obama's unilateral action on illegal immigrants violate the US Constitution's separation of powers. “The alleged grounds of prosecutorial discretion are inadequate to support the totality of what he has tried to do,” Schwab said. “He can decline to prosecute these lawbreakers. That is the limit of his discretion. He does not have the authority to issue them identity papers that would make them eligible for employment or government benefits that existing law prohibits.” Democratic U.S. Senators Dick Durbin (Ill) and Richard Blumenthal (Conn) contend that Schwab...
  • Venezuelan President Calls American Oil Fracking “Act of Aggression” [satire]

    12/18/2014 9:28:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    With his country’s economy on the ropes due to declining oil prices, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro blamed the United States oil fracking industry. “It is an act of aggression against my country and a crime against humanity,” Maduro maintained. “Venezuela needs high oil prices to support our programs to feed our people. These frackers are destroying our ability to feed ourselves.” While most economists see falling fuel prices as beneficial for the vast majority of consumers, Maduro complained that “most of the beneficiaries are rich, white Americans. Saving them money at our cost is a direct attack on my government’s...
  • Congressman Demands Investigation of FDIC “Choke Point” Policy [satire]

    12/17/2014 9:38:51 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Rep. Blaine Luetkemeyer (R-Mo) is demanding an investigation of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation’s “Operation Choke Point” practices. Under these practices, the FDIC pressured banks to freeze or close accounts of businesses that the US Department of Justice designated as “anti-social enterprises.” Among the businesses targeted by DOJ are firearms sellers, coin dealers, and pharmaceutical sales. Martin Gruenberg, chairman of the FDIC, admitted that “while these businesses are not illegal, per se, the president has made it very clear that they are outside the boundary of the type of businesses he thinks we ought to have in our society. There...
  • Ferguson Rioters Object to Time Magazine Decision [satire]

    12/16/2014 3:46:20 PM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Time magazine’s editors’ selection of the Ebola fighters as the recipients of the publication’s annual “person of the year” designation greatly riled some of the leaders of the Ferguson, Missouri riots. “It’s just another case demonstrating that Black lives don’t matter,” complained arsonist Monte Burns. “An innocent Black man was shot down on our streets. Now a white magazine is trying to sweep that under the rug by pushing a story about some germs.” “The Ebola fighters haven’t done anything to help right the social injustices that plague America,” insisted Ferguson looter Robbie Moore. “We’re taking direct action to redistribute...
  • Illegal Immigrant Sues Border Patrol [satire]

    12/15/2014 8:46:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Illegal immigrant Jose Manuel Marino-Najera has filed suit against the US Border Patrol for dog bite injuries he sustained during his arrest. Marino-Najera was among a group of immigrants smuggling marijuana across the border. He is alleging that his human rights were violated. “Those border guards disobeyed their own President Obama,” Marino-Najera declared. “He says I have a right to go where I want. They should have given me food and water, not sicced their dogs on me.” Marino-Najera’s lawyer Susan Horschidt claims that “the trauma my client experienced has given him nightmares that have ruined his life. No amount...
  • [Satire] NY Governor Orders Insurers to Cover Sex Reassignment Surgery

    12/14/2014 8:22:45 AM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    New York’s Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) decreed that insurers operating in his state must cover sex reassignment surgery. Up to now insurance has typically not covered this on the grounds that it is elective rather than the result of an unforeseen illness or injury. “The whole idea behind insurance is that it allows the buyer to protect himself against events that he cannot control,” said industry spokesman Barbara Arian. “No one opts to come down with a life-threatening disease or to be maimed in an accident. We can insure against these events because we and the insured both aim to...
  • Cromnibus Puts Taxpayers on Hook for Bank Losses [satire]

    12/13/2014 9:37:16 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    The House-passed $1.1 trillion Continuing Resolution contains a clause that exposes taxpayers to a potential $300 trillion liability for bank losses in derivatives trading. The rider to the CR was the “brain child” of Citigroup. The rider is opposed by both tea party Republicans and left wing Democrats, but is strongly supported by House GOP leadership and President Obama. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), charged that “this maneuver puts the lie to the contention that the GOP is the Party of small government. This is a big government pay off to Wall Street financiers. I’m enormously disappointed that the...
  • Obama Boasts that Successor Won't Be Able to Undo Amnesty [satire]

    12/12/2014 3:19:09 PM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama taunted opponents of his executive action on illegal immigrants, boasting that "it's permanent. No one will be able to unravel it. I'm not just granting them immunity from prosecution for illegally residing in the United States. I'm giving them ID documents, work permits, and Social Security numbers. They'll have the paperwork making them indistinguishable from American citizens. They'll be working and living in our neighborhoods. Their kids will be going to your kids' schools. They'll be voting in our elections. Any efforts to reverse the rights I've bestowed will be punished at the polls." "Rather than embark on...
  • Scrutiny of Planned Parenthood’s Billings to Medicaid Decried [satire]

    12/10/2014 8:58:12 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Fear is building that Wisconsin’s Department of Health Office of Inspector General (OIG) investigation of Planned Parenthood’s over billing of the state’s Medicaid program for services rendered may endanger the financial health of the organization. For example, Planned Parenthood has been billing the state twice the allowable amount for the abortifacient contraceptive Yaz. Beth Hartung, president of the Wisconsin Family Planning and Reproductive Health Association, called the financial reimbursement rules “unreasonable. The mark-ups we attach to these drugs is what helps subsidize services that the state program doesn’t cover.” One of those uncovered programs is surgical abortions. “Squeezing the profit...
  • Jeb Bush Outlines Bizarre Strategy for Prospective 2016 Presidential Race [satire]

    12/09/2014 9:11:34 AM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush (R) is reputed to be weighing his options for a possible bid for the presidency in the 2016 election. His statements, thus far, however raise serious questions regarding his grasp of the process. At issue is his avowed plan to win the general election by losing the primaries. In Bush’s view, the GOP primaries have been co-opted by the Party’s conservative base. The problem with this is that “the conservative base preaches a message of individual liberty that is at odds with the communitarian future I envision for America and the world,” Bush said. “The...
  • Missouri Guv Explains Absence of National Guard at Ferguson Riots [satire]

    12/08/2014 8:16:17 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Governor Jay Nixon (D) explained why, despite pleas from Lieutenant Governor Peter Kinder and Ferguson Mayor James Knowles, the state’s National Guard troops weren’t immediately dispatched to quell the riots. “I couldn’t risk National Guard troops shooting people like they did at Kent State in 1970,” Nixon offered. “Then the blood would be on my hands and Neil Young would write a song about me…me. It’s bad enough that I already share an unfortunate surname with former President Nixon. I didn’t want to replicate his actions.” The Governor characterized the contention that troops might have lessened the damage as “pure...
  • Opponents of Amnesty Oppose Human Rights [satire]

    12/07/2014 8:47:31 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson characterized congressional opponents of amnesty for illegal immigrants as “enemies of human rights.” “The constant questions about how the president’s deferred deportation program helps Americans exposes the selfishness and inhumanity of his critics,” Johnson asserted. “Since when is everything we do supposed to benefit Americans? After all, Americans are a tiny portion of humanity. Why should their interests be permitted to override the well-being of the other 96 percent?” “A case could be made that 4 percent of the world population consuming 20 percent of world output is unfair,” Johnson observed. “Since it is...
  • Consumers to Blame for Obamacare's Failures [satire]

    12/06/2014 8:39:31 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Former Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius attempted to defend the Affordable Care Act health insurance scheme she helped establish by blaming consumers for its shortcomings. "A lot of Americans have no idea what insurance is about," Sebelius said. "It's a complicated product that few are competent to purchase. In hindsight, our biggest mistake was probably trying to incorporate a modicum of individual choice into the system." "If we had just set up a single-payer government-run health insurance regime a lot of the complaints that riled the general public could have been avoided," she continued. "All of the...
  • Obama Takes the Fifth [satire]

    12/05/2014 1:52:19 PM PST · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration defied a court order to turn over documents the IRS illegally shared with the White House in its political vendetta against 2500 conservative organizations. Secretary of the Treasury Jacob Lew, Obama’s former White House Chief of Staff, maintains that “for us to be compelled to testify against ourselves would violate the the Constitution's Fifth Amendment. And if there's one thing that this Administration will defend to the last it is the inviolability of the Constitution.” The specific clause the Secretary is referring to is the one barring the government from compelling an individual in a criminal case...
  • Dems Rebuff GOP Criticism of Illinois [satire]

    12/01/2014 9:37:42 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    The Republican Party’s efforts to cite Illinois as a dire example of what happens when Democrats run a state was strongly contested by that state’s leading Democrats. Republicans say that the fact that there are more people on welfare in the state than are working is a sign of poor government policies. Governor Pat Quinn characterized this argument as “misleading. The fact that a prosperous minority is able to support the majority is a triumph of democracy. The ‘haves’ caring for the ‘have nots’ is the implementation of a moral ideal that lies at the core of every major religion.”...
  • Schumer Says Enacting Obamacare Was a Mistake [satire]

    11/30/2014 9:28:51 AM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) stirred up an intra-Party squabble by asserting that 2010’s passage of the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare, was a mistake. “At best, the number of prospective beneficiaries was small,” Schumer pointed out. “And, as it turned out, was vastly outnumbered by those hurt by the legislation. The deceptions required to ensure the bill’s passage were easily pierced as Americans found out they could not keep their doctors or health plans they liked and that the cost of their insurance was going to be higher. There was no way the Democratic Party could escape blame.”...
  • Ferguson Riots Dwarfed by 1965’s Watts Riots [satire]

    11/29/2014 9:10:01 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    Jealous of all the media attention being given to the riots in Ferguson Missouri, Los Angeles City Councilman Bernard Parks has introduced a resolution calling for a celebration of the 50th anniversary of the Watts Riots. “From all the hoopla attached to the recent events in Ferguson you’d think that this riot is the most significant Black uprising against white oppression in recent memory, but you’d be wrong,” Parks said. “Back in 1965 the Black Community devastated Watts causing 34 deaths, 1,032 injuries, and over $40 million in property damage. Over 3,000 people were arrested. What went down in Ferguson...
  • Obama Contends He Has Shown Restraint on Immigration [satire]

    11/28/2014 4:41:37 PM PST · by John Semmens · 18 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama characterized GOP critics of his Executive Order granting new rights to illegal immigrants as "excessively whiny. I've been really quite restrained compared to what I could have done." To help illustrate his self-imposed mercy, the President reminded his critics that "President Lincoln was far harsher with his critics than I have been. Hundreds of men were summarily arrested and their property confiscated for their criticism of his actions to suppress the secessionist movement. I have, as yet, done nothing of a similar nature, though my advisers tell me I'd be within my rights to do so." "Neither have...
  • Why Is Teaching Anal Sex in the Chicago Public School Curriculum? [satire]

    11/26/2014 7:16:06 AM PST · by John Semmens · 27 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    Parents of students attending Chicago’s Andrew Jackson Language Academy were shocked to discover that 5th graders are slated to study “the pleasures of anal sex.” Chicago Public Schools spokesman Bill McCaffrey characterized the parents’ reactions as “excessively dramatic” and “not well thought out. It’s our job to help prepare our students for life in the real world. Teaching them the skills needed for safe sex is at least as critical a part of our job as teaching them how to read.” “Sex is a topic of universal interest to students,” McCaffrey asserted. “What we teach them about this topic will...
  • DOE Says AP Classes Must Be Racially Balanced [satire]

    11/25/2014 9:46:02 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    The South Orange-Maplewood School District in New Jersey was told by the US Department of Education that the racial imbalance in its Advance Placement (AP) courses was discriminatory because minorities are under represented among the students enrolled in these classes. AP courses are intended for college-bound graduates and typically entail heavier workloads and more difficult assignments. US Secretary of Education Arne Duncan brushed aside arguments relying on student interest and ability as “insufficient to overcome the goal of racial equality. For the school to say that minorities are over represented on the school’s athletic teams and that somehow counterbalances their...
  • Sharpton Disputes Tax Bill [satire]

    11/24/2014 8:42:51 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    The IRS claim that Rev. Al Sharpton owes more than $4 million in back taxes was challenged by the Reverend. “My share of the reparations the US Government owes for slavery has not been taken into account,” Sharpton argued. “The humiliation, the suffering, the oppression, and murder of African-Americans that has disgraced this country for over 400 years is a debt that can never be fully repaid.” “Instead of harassing me, the government should be making a good-faith effort to try to make payments on this unpayable debt,” Sharpton suggested. “Then, after 400 years we can reassess to see how...
  • Tired of Hearing about Gruber [satire]

    11/23/2014 9:34:04 AM PST · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    The American people are “tired of hearing about Gruber,” according to White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. Video tapes of MIT Professor Jonathan Gruber, a key architect of the Affordable Care Act (also known as Obamacare), have been doing major damage to the Administration’s credibility over the past two weeks. In the videos, Gruber is repeatedly shown describing voters as stupid and gloating about how Democrats used this stupidity to deceptively enact the ACA. Earnest warned the media to drop the issue “because, frankly, the President is tired of hearing about it. These tapes and the alleged deceptions they portray...
  • President Cites “Higher Authority” for Immigration Executive Order [satire]

    11/22/2014 8:11:29 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    In the face of nearly two dozen videos of him saying he lacked legal authority to unilaterally enact immigration reform, President Obama went ahead and did so, citing a “higher authority.” “As President of the United States, I felt myself hemmed in by the limitations placed on the office by the US Constitution,” Obama admitted. “As a human being, though, I could not bear the continuing injustice inflicted on the people who have entered this country illegally.” “My dilemma was how to reconcile the guidelines of an aging framework for a nation's government and the call of my conscience,” Obama...
  • President's Usurpation of Legislative Authority Hailed by Democrats [satire]

    11/21/2014 3:20:48 PM PST · by John Semmens · 18 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama's decision to enact immigration reform legislation that Congress has refused to enact inspired some lavish praise from fellow Democrats. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called it "a courageous first step. President Obama's determination to take a politically unpopular position so soon after voters elected a Republican dominated Congress stakes out new ground in the battle for control over the government and policy." "It's important that we build upon the President's innovation and transform our nation from the archaic plan of trying to extract policy from a fragmented legislative body, where no one has a mandate for governing,...
  • Obama Says FCC Needs to Control Internet [satire]

    11/18/2014 9:37:48 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama is urging the Federal Communications Commission to exert more control over the Internet. “As it stands now, the whole web environment is chaotic and anarchic,” Obama observed. “Anyone can pretty much do whatever he wants. There is no perceived obligation to serve society’s broader needs.” For the time being, Obama disavowed his authority “to command this independent agency to extend its power over this medium. I am patiently waiting for them to do what they should. However, my patience is not infinite. I will act unilaterally if it becomes necessary that I do so to implement the change...
  • Former Veep Calls for “National Policy on Food” [satire]

    11/17/2014 9:27:33 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    Now that global warming has been tamed by record breaking cold spells across the nation, former Vice-President Al Gore is looking for new worlds to conquer. That new world appears to be the establishment of a “national policy on food.” “Under current rules, what a person eats is largely left up to each person to decide,” Gore pointed out. “Judging from the rates of obesity, it seems clear that the idea that letting individuals choose what to eat is not working. It is way past time that experts in the field of nutrition be given the authority to determine healthier...
  • [satire] Pelosi Claims Voters Distracted by Irrelevancies

    11/16/2014 8:35:30 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) adamantly denied that the trouncing her Democratic Party took at the polls last week constitutes a mandate for a different direction for government. “The problem is that our Party’s underlying message was drowned out by incessant GOP hammering on irrelevant crises and scandals,” she contended. “All the stories about ISIS beheadings, Ebola outbreaks, the flood of immigrants, IRS abuses, NSA spying, government waste and corruption masked the critical point that the Democratic Party is the Party of free stuff. Voters inundated by fears that their lives might be in danger, that their government might...
  • Gruber Apologizes for “Indelicate Phrasing” [satire]

    11/15/2014 9:47:50 AM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire | 14 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    MIT professor Jonathan Gruber, the boastful architect of Obamacare, apologized for what he termed “my indelicate phrasing in defense of the Affordable Care Act. I should never have publicly called American voters ‘stupid.’ I sincerely regret that I have been caught on tape using this kind of language.” “However, this does not mean that the underlying concept behind this legislation was incorrect,” Gruber insisted. “The fact of the matter is that the average American isn’t fit to decide whether he needs health insurance or to choose a plan that is adequate for the collective well-being of society. Individuals left to...
  • Democrats Disagree over Executive Order for Amnesty [satire]

    11/14/2014 3:42:12 PM PST · by John Semmens · 23 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    Outgoing Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) is crosswise with President Obama over the proper sequence of events regarding amnesty for illegal immigrants. “I have implored the President to forestall taking any executive action to legalize these undocumented residents until after we get Republican cooperation on next year's budget,” Reid said. “My advice has been to get the money first. Then he can do whatever he wants on amnesty. There'd be no way the GOP could stop him.” Reid complained that “all my sensible arguments seem to be falling on deaf ears. The President says he doesn't need Congress to...
  • City Seizes Art Studio [satire]

    11/11/2014 8:29:47 AM PST · by John Semmens · 65 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    The Philadelphia Redevelopment Authority (PRA) has received court approval of its seizure of the art studio of James Dupree. It plans to bulldoze it and sell the land to a private grocery chain. Despite renovating a dilapidated warehouse and converting it into an attractive and bustling center for artistic expression, Dupree’s property rights are being sacrificed to the PRA’s vision of what the City needs. “It’s a question of whether the rights of the collective community should take precedence over the rights of a single individual,” PRA Executive Director Ed Covington explained. “Far more people will eat the food sold...
  • IRS Admits It Didn’t Really Look for Lois Lerner’s “Lost” Emails [satire]

    11/10/2014 9:05:39 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    IRS Commissioner John Koskinen admitted that it didn’t exercise much effort to track down emails cited in an investigation of IRS abuses involving harassment of conservative political organizations. “Look, we were between a rock and a hard place,” Koskinen contended. “On the one hand, we have Congress and the Courts demanding we produce these documents. On the other hand, some very powerful and dangerous people were very determined that these documents never be found.” “If we defy Congress and the Courts the worst case scenario is we get held in contempt,” Koskinen pointed out. “It’s embarrassing. We look like crooks...
  • Landrieu off to Bad Start in Louisiana Runoff Election [satire]

    11/09/2014 8:13:25 AM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Incumbent Senator Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) got off to a bad start in her desperate bid to hold onto her seat. In an attempt to characterize her Republican opponent Bill Cassidy as “unreliable” and “undependable,” Landrieu demanded to know what he had done to help the state recover from 2005’s Hurricane Katrina. Cassidy, an MD, responded that he had been working to provide medical aid to refugees of the storm. With help from friends and neighbors he and his physicians’ group set up an emergency treatment center in an abandoned K-Mart. Landrieu shruugged this off as “small potatoes. While my opponent...
  • President Ready to Use Executive Action for Amnesty [satire]

    11/08/2014 5:52:12 PM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Though he did leave open the option of signing an amnesty bill passed by Congress, President Obama vowed to “go it alone if they don’t give me what I want.” New York politicians Senator Charles Schmer (D) and New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) endorsed using a Presidential Executive Order to accomplish immigration reform. “Even if a GOP controlled Congress were to pass an immigration reform bill it is bound to be cluttered with unessential, un-American add-ons like enhanced border security, deportation of criminals and the like,” Schumer warned. “These types of restrictions tarnish America as a beacon...
  • Satire: Congresswoman Proposes Barack Obama Sperm Bank

    11/08/2014 9:54:00 AM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex) says she will introduce legislation that would establish a federally funded Barack Obama sperm bank in the upcoming "lame duck" session of Congress. She says she got the idea from a similar proposal to establish a Vladimir Putin sperm bank in Russia. "We can't afford to fall behind in what could turn out to be a critical competition to propagate the seed of the nation's best and brightest," Lee argued. "Granted, it would be decades before the offspring of President Obama's banked sperm could be expected to make a strategic difference, but if we fail...
  • Satire: Elected Black Republicans Called "Traitors to Their Race"

    11/07/2014 7:15:04 PM PST · by John Semmens · 33 replies
    Satire ^ | 7 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) neglected to include Rep. Mia Love (R-Utah) and Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) n its post-election congratulations to African-Americans who won their races. Cornell William Brooks, President and CEO of the NAACP, characterized the election of the Black conservatives as "more of a setback than an advancement for people of color. These two have bought the right wing propaganda that individual achievement, hard work, and honesty are the way a person gets ahead in this world. Unfortunately, every individually successful Black person dilutes our case for slavery reparations." Brooks predicted that...
  • [Satire] Philadelphia Cracks Down on UberX

    11/03/2014 8:56:21 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Lee Rudakewich’s car was impounded and held for $1,000 ransom by the Philadelphia Parking Authority. His crime: offering to drive a willing customer to his chosen destination. Vince Fenerty, the Philadelphia Parking Authority’s Director, rejected the argument that the provided transportation occurring between consenting adults was no business of the City government. “In this city it is not sufficient that private individuals are satisfied with a transaction of this sort,” Fenerty said. “How a person uses his own car is within the purview of our authority. We do not approve of these unregulated uses.” Fenerty contended that “the privilege of...
  • (Satire) Kerry May Be on Way Out at State

    11/03/2014 5:40:46 AM PST · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    Senator Richard Blumenthal (D-CT) hints that Secretary of State John Kerry may be ousted sometime after the November elections are over. “At best, his performance at this job has been underwhelming,” Blumenthal asserted. “Many of his public statements evince a poor and almost dimwitted perception of the issues. He has grievously embarrassed both himself and President Obama.” Anonymous White House officials complain that “Kerry is out of sync with the Administration. It’s not so much a case of being wrong about the President’s policies as it is too openly expressing them. On issue after issue Kerry’s candor is repeatedly disclosing...
  • Satire: Top Democrat Says Republicans Scarier than Ebola, ISIS

    11/02/2014 2:50:29 PM PST · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Satire ^ | 1 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    Democratic National Committee Woman, Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla), agreed with CNN host Candy Crowley that Republicans are scarier than either the deadly Ebola virus or the ISIS terrorist army. “Bad as Ebola and ISIS, or ISIL as the President calls it, may be they have the saving grace of representing a nondiscriminatory threat to all Americans,” Wasserman-Schultz contended. “The depredations of the GOP are exclusively targeted against Democratic candidates and Democratic constituencies. If Republicans are successful in selling their message to the voters it will exclusively be Democrats who are turned out of office. It will be exclusively Democratic clienteles...
  • Satire: DOJ Declines to Investigate Emerging Evidence of Vote Fraud

    11/02/2014 8:19:30 AM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Satire ^ | 1 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    Recent reports of non-citizens voting, multiple voter registrations in different states for the same person, ballots cast by dead voters, and voting machines that flip votes from Republicans to Democrats are unworthy of further investigation, says US Attorney General Eric Holder. “First of all, there could be very good reasons why all of these alleged violations are bogus,” Holder declared. “For example, the notion that non-citizens shouldn’t be allowed to vote is, arguably, a human rights violation. Non-citizens are impacted by government policies. Why shouldn’t they have the right to participate in the selection of those who will make and...
  • Satire: Administration Bureaucrat Says Canceled Health Insurance an “Invitation”

    11/01/2014 8:51:35 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    As more and more people are bounced out of health insurance plans they liked, Health and Human Services Regional Director Joanne Grossie insisted on calling the cancellations “invitations to obtain better plans.” “A lot of times people will lapse into being satisfied with an inferior product or service out of pure inertia,” Grossie maintained. “By outlawing substandard policies the Affordable Care Act forces people to upgrade to better plans.” Grossie rejected the idea that a person might genuinely prefer a so-called substandard policy. “A single man might think he has no need to pay for coverage of gynecological services, maternity...