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Articles Posted by John Semmens

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  • Mosque Weapon Seizure Called Discriminatory [semi-satire]

    02/12/2016 3:04:51 PM PST · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Feb 2016 | John Semmens
    Raids by French authorities have resulted in the confiscation of hundreds of war-grade weapons from numerous mosques throughout the country. The raids were inspired by the November 13th Islamic terrorist attack that killed 130 people in Paris. The raids were denounced as discriminatory by Imam Aliki Kilyu. "We would never see the government raiding churches and confiscating crucifixes," he complained. "By singling out the holy places of Muslims for their intrusions these kafirs have disrespected the beliefs of Islam." Kilyu rebuffed contentions that crucifixes and weapons cannot be compared. "Christians are the ones who believe in turning the other cheek....
  • Hillary Defends Huge Speaking Fees [semi-satire]

    02/09/2016 9:25:38 AM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Feb 2016 | John Semmens
    Under a constant barrage of criticism from Democratic presidential rival Sen. Bernie Sanders for her cozy relationship with Wall Street, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton contended that she was just being polite in accepting $200,000 per hour for speeches she gave at Wall Street's request. "Look, this is what they offered me," she explained. "Was I supposed to have bargained for lower rates? If I had, would Senator Sanders now be accusing me of favoritism toward those firms? Let's not forget, in some instances I got even bigger speaking fees from universities. How could I, in good conscience, take...
  • ISIS Recruits Assert "Combat Immunity" Defense [semi-satire]

    02/08/2016 11:07:16 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Feb 2016 | John Semmens
    Five Minnesota men currently facing charges of criminal conspiracy after being caught preparing to go to Syria to fight for the Islamic State are demanding that charges be dismissed. Moosli Krahp, attorney for the five, stipulated that "the Islamic State has engaged in acts the rest of the world holds to be atrocious. However, these terror tactics are forced upon them by the superior firepower of their enemies. The West and its puppet allies can strike from the air. Civilians may be killed, but are quickly labeled 'collateral damage.' Well, the beheadings, torture, and similar actions carried out by the...
  • DC to Pay Criminals to Refrain from Crime [semi=satire]

    02/07/2016 11:16:48 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Feb 2016 | John Semmens
    Washington, DC Councilman Kenyan McDuffie proposed and the City Council unanimously adopted a measure that will pay criminals to refrain from committing crimes. Under the plan, residents with a sufficiently impressive rap-sheet will be paid up to $9,000 in cash per year for each year they aren't convicted of a crime. "This is not some lame-brained scheme that any smart aleck can game," McDuffie boasted. "Only those who can document their criminal behavior will be eligible for the stipend. By paying the 'worst-of-the-worst' members of our community to cool it we will have a greater impact than if we put...
  • New Clinton Defense on Email Scandal: ‘Everybody Did It’ [semi-satire]

    02/06/2016 2:01:12 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Feb 2016 | John Semmens
    A recent discovery that former Secretaries of State Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice may have received a handful of classified emails on their private computers prompted Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton to claim she's been exonerated. "The vast right-wing conspiracy trying to derail my campaign has been rebutted by this new evidence," Hillary contended. "Singling me out when the use of private computers for transmitting classified government communications was standard practice reveals the baseless hypocrisy of their charges." Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif) says "Clinton's 'everybody did it' argument is a gross distortion of reality. It's akin to a notorious drunk...
  • Former President Carter Endorses Trump [semi-satire]

    02/06/2016 10:41:37 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Feb 2016 | John Semmens
    Former Democratic President Jimmy Carter says his favorite GOP candidate for president is Donald Trump. He explained the surprising endorsement by pointing out "Trump is completely malleable. I don't think he has any fixed positions. From my perspective this is more preferable than a far right wing ideologue like Ted Cruz." "Cruz would clearly be an enemy of the progressive policies Obama has implemented," Carter continued. "He'd try to undo them and would shut down the government if he felt it necessary to achieve his goals. With Trump I think we could be confident that wouldn't happen. Trump has been...
  • Obama Pitches Muslim TV Shows [semi-satire]

    02/05/2016 10:25:39 PM PST · by John Semmens · 26 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Feb 2016 | John Semmens
    Appalled by the over-representation of Muslims as terrorists in national security themed TV shows, President Obama called for broadcasters to air a more varied array of programs featuring Muslim characters. "One idea I came up with is a family comedy," the President said. "There's this daughter who refuses to marry the nephew her father has chosen for her. So, the father and nephew shoot her and dump the body in a river. But she comes back as a ghost or zombie and haunts them with a series of weekly pranks. In one episode the daughter disguises herself as salesperson in...
  • Judge Abortion Facilities Don't Need to Meet Health Requirements [semi-satire]

    02/02/2016 9:25:42 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Baton Rouge District Judge John deGravelles blocked a Louisiana law requiring that abortion facilities comply with state standards for health and safety, calling it unconstitutional. "The right to an abortion is a constitutional right decreed by the United States Supreme Court in 1973," de Gravelles ruled. "The state is not permitted to infringe on this right by adding conditions that could limit a woman's ability to abort her child." The Judge dispensed with the argument that the state has the power to set health and safety standards for medical treatments. "The contention that the lack of such standards endangers the...
  • Obama and Hillary Try Hand at Comedy [semi-satire]

    02/01/2016 12:02:13 PM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire | 31 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Perhaps looking toward a future outside of politics, both President Obama and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton tried out some comedy bits this week. The President made the first volley calling Hillary "wicked smart" and "warm and funny." Hillary countered with "anybody who know me knows you can't buy me." The host of the HBO talk show Real Time with Bill Maher, called the efforts of the two "deliciously absurd and surreal. I wish I had thought of these jokes myself."
  • Trump Snags First Congressional Endorsement [semi-satire]

    01/31/2016 8:52:18 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    While a slew of GOP presidential contenders ranging from Sen. Ted Cruz (Tex) to former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush have gotten endorsements from sitting members of Congress, Donald Trump had come up empty until this week when Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) gave him the nod. "When you look over who the Republicans are considering as their nominee its a sorry bunch," Reid observed. "None of them possess the visionary leadership exhibited over the last seven years by President Obama. However, one of them stands out as a man of perspicacity and guile. That man is Donald Trump. Not...
  • Swedish Authorities Unsure of How to Deal with Refugee Violence [semi-satire]

    01/30/2016 1:19:07 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    After a contingent of ten police officers were scared off from rescuing a ten-year-old rape victim from a refugee center, authorities professed themselves to be at a loss for what to do next. "The ardor with which the Muslim mob attacked the police seeking to remove the boy from the center has caused us to reexamine our premises," National Police Commissioner Dan Eliasson admitted. "To us, the idea of grown men sexually abusing this young boy is repugnant. But are we guilty of projecting our own values onto another culture?" "I am told that keeping such boys on hand for...
  • Sanders' Tax Hike to Cost 6 Million Jobs [semi-satire]

    01/30/2016 9:13:32 AM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    An analysis undertaken by the Tax Foundation estimates that the tax increases promised by Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) will cut economic growth by more than 9% and result in 6 million fewer full-time jobs. "Sanders' plan would significantly increase marginal tax rates on capital and labor income, which would result in a substantial reduction of the size of the U.S. economy in the long run," authors Alan Cole and Scott Greenberg asserted. Sanders' campaign manager Jeff Weaver pooh-poohed the report quoting economist John Maynard Keynes' observation that "in the long run we are all dead. At 74...
  • [SATIRE] DOJ to Investigate Oscars

    01/29/2016 7:52:59 PM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    The absence of blacks, gays, and transgenders from the ranks of those nominated for this year's Academy Awards has spurred outrage among cultural elites. Hollywood power couple Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith announced they will boycott the awards ceremony. Homosexual actor Ian McKellen groused that "we mustn't let the attention given to racism completely overshadow the homophobia plaguing the film industry." US Attorney General Loretta Lynch labeled "the lack of nominations for legally protected groups is disturbing. The claim that nominees are democratically determined by secret ballot does not exempt the Academy from affirmative action laws. Racially disparate outcomes...
  • Sanders Calls for Nationalized Health Care [semi-satire]

    01/26/2016 10:14:56 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Riding on the crest of poll numbers showing a surge for his presidential bid, Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) upped the ante vs. rival former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton by calling for a nationalization of health care. "Obamacare is a confusing mess of broken promises," Sanders asserted. "We need to replace it with a fully socialized system where all medical payments and decisions are made by the federal government." Under Sanders' proposal everyone would be covered with a zero deductible and zero co-pay plan. "No one should have to skimp on medical treatment merely because they'd have to pay out...
  • National Review Booted from Debate for Anti-Trump Editorial [semi-satire]

    01/25/2016 10:56:57 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    The Republican National Committee has uninvited the editors of National Review from participating in the GOP presidential candidate debate scheduled for February 25 in Houston, citing the magazine's stance against Donald Trump as "disqualifying bias," RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said. "It is my responsibility to protect all of our candidates from the baleful effects of media bias." The Chairman attempted to distinguish NR's "bias" from that of the liberal media personalities who regularly moderate GOP debates. "While everyone knows that media moderators are biased against Republicans, the bias is not explicitly overt," Priebus pointed out. "The sneers, the loaded questions,...
  • Muslim Refugee Rampages and European Mental Confusion Continue [semi-satire]

    01/24/2016 8:48:27 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    In France, Muslim migrants burned down the refugee shelters that the French government spent 20 million euros to build for them. The humanitarian gesture of providing migrants with proper beds, showers, electricity and heating was spurned by ungrateful refugees as "far below the accommodations kafirs are obliged to provide us," according to an immigrant from Africa. "The so-called housing is dormitories. We demand private apartments with big-screen TVs, wifi, and all the normal standards enjoyed by the dhimmis." In Saxony, Germany, Muslim immigrants showed their dissatisfaction with government efforts to accommodate them by masturbating into a jacuzzi and defecating into...
  • Prof Debunks Idea that Right-Wingers a Bigger Threat [semi-satire]

    01/23/2016 3:45:52 PM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Professor Andrew Holt of Florida State College at Jacksonville has challenged the Obama Administration's contention that right-wing extremists pose a greater threat than Islamic terrorists. "If we look at all the casualties resulting from terrorist attacks over the last 15 years, the number of people killed by jihadis outnumber those killed by right-wingers by more than 60 to one," Holt said. Department of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson brushed off the professor's analysis as "a simplistic body count. Merely adding up the number killed assumes an unwarranted equivalence among those affected. All the victims of Islamic terrorists in the United States...
  • GOP Establishment Warms to Trump [semi-satire]

    01/23/2016 9:30:36 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    GOP presidential front runner Donald Trump boasted to rally attendees in Las Vegas' South Point Resort and Casino that "the Republican establishment is coming over to our side. They hate Ted Cruz so much that they're throwing their support to me." While there hasn't yet been an explicit endorsement from key establishment figures, Trump maintained that "it seems pretty clear that Sen. Dole and Sen. McConnell prefer me to Cruz. They recognize that I'm the guy who can reach across the aisle and make a deal with Pelosi (D-Calif) and Reid (D-Nev). Cruz has been the guy blocking consensus between...
  • UN to Consider Emergency Aid to Islamic State [semi-satire]

    01/22/2016 10:36:48 PM PST · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    A report that the Islamic State has been forced to cut the pay of its fighters in Iraq and Syria has sparked interest in a possible aid package for the beleaguered infant state. "It's a simple matter of fairness," UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon observed. "With both Russia and the United States taking military action against them the Islamic State is in deadly peril. Maintaining the necessary fanaticism for those it sends into battle absent adequate financial rewards may be too big of an obstacle for them to overcome. It may be appropriate for us to provide some funding to...
  • Obama Blames Economic Stagnation on Republicans Behaving Selfishly [semi-satire]

    01/18/2016 2:40:59 PM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Rather than consider the possibility that the sluggish performance of the economy during his presidency may have something to do with his policies, President Obama blamed everything on "the GOP's selfish unwillingness to accept the will of the people and support my agenda." It is difficult to grasp the President's logic, though, since Congress, both before and after the GOP had the majority, has essentially acquiesced in every one of the President's budget requests and has failed to block any of the Administration's regulatory initiatives or executive actions. "The GOP leadership in Congress may have funded the programs, but they...
  • Pelosi Justifies $150 Billion Payout to Iran [semi-satire]

    01/18/2016 10:38:43 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) acknowledged that "Iran may do bad things with the $150 billion that will be released to them as part of the deal negotiated by the Obama Administration. "Will they fund terrorist cells?" Pelosi asked. "Undoubtedly, but these terrorists will only kill thousands. A nuclear weapon could kill millions. Under this premise, paying billions that would enable terrorists to kill thousands seems a worthwhile trade off." "Sometimes you've got to make a deal with the devil," she added. "For example, look at the deal Chamberlain made with Hitler in 1938. A small sliver of land...
  • Sanders Refuses to Explain How He will Pay for All the Free Stuff He's Promising [semi-satire]

    01/17/2016 9:28:55 AM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Socialist candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders refused to answer any questions about how his Administration will pay for the plethora of taxpayer-subsidized loot he is promising to voters, saying that "it would spoil the surprise." "Does anyone demand that Santa Claus lay out a budget for all the gifts he gives?" Sanders wanted to know. "On one level, it would be rude to look a gift horse in the mouth. From a more practical standpoint, if I tip my hand ahead of time the people I'm going to ask to bear the expense may try to...
  • Planned Parenthood Sues Anti-Abortion Group [semi-satire]

    01/16/2016 3:09:07 PM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Planned Parenthood (PP) has filed suit against the Center for Medical Progress (CMP) alleging that "CMP has callously and covertly exposed us to suspicion and ridicule by airing private negotiations for the illegal sale of body parts salvaged from terminated fetuses." The suit alleged irreparable harm including "loss of taxpayer funding of abortions in some states, a decline in donations from benefactors horrified by the videos' portrayal of dismembered fetuses, insensitive Planned Parenthood officials and their rampant enthusiasm for turning unwanted human waste into useful items like expensive cars and bonuses for Planned Parenthood personnel." Congresswoman Diane Black (R-Tenn) labeled...
  • Gov't Hails Gains in Able-Bodied Adults on Food Stamps [semi-satire]

    01/16/2016 1:23:34 PM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Since President Obama took office the number of able-bodied-without-dependents who are receiving government food subsidies has soared by 370%. This increase in participation by persons who in another era would have been expected to fend for themselves was hailed as "great progress on the President's goal of transforming America," by Secretary of Health and Human Services Sylvia Burwell. "Relieved of the burden of feeding themselves, these individuals are free to pursue goals higher on Maslow's hierarchy of needs." One of the favorite "higher goals" of this segment of the population is smoking. Fully 50% of the subsidized beneficiaries are smokers...
  • Obama Rejects Idea that Women Should Arm Themselves [semi-satire]

    01/16/2016 9:37:25 AM PST · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    When a rape victim queried President Obama at his recent town hall meeting to promote his latest set of executive actions impeding acquisition of firearms by law-abiding citizens he rejected her notion that having a gun for her own protection was her best option. "I'm sorry you were raped," the President told Kimberly Corban, "but fortunately you weren't killed. Most rape victims are not killed. If we allow you to have a weapon, though, the risk of someone getting killed jumps up to an unacceptable level. You acknowledge that your assailant was unarmed. You both came away from the encounter...
  • NY Dems Demand Conservatives Leave State [semi-satire]

    01/15/2016 10:09:35 PM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    While at odds over whether the State or the City should get to expropriate citizens' wealth, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) and New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) both agree that "there is no place in the state for 'conservative extremists.'" The extreme views deemed by Cuomo to be "not who New Yorkers are," include "opposition to abortion, refusal to accept gay marriage as the law of the land, and an anachronistic attachment to the notion that access to guns for self-defense can be tolerated in today's world." "These extreme views go beyond the bounds of civil...
  • Sanders’ Campaigns Diverted Funds to Personal Use [semi-satire]

    01/11/2016 10:43:10 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    According to an investigation by the Washington Free Beacon, Democratic presidential candidate Sen Bernie Sanders's spouse Jane O'Meara Sanders, and stepdaughter, Carina Driscoll, both drew sizable salaries from Sanders's House campaigns between 2000 and 2004. Presidential campaign Press Secretary, Symone Sanders denied there was any scandal in how prior campaign donations have been deployed. "All of this money was freely given to him by his supporters," she pointed out. "Obviously, they could afford it." Ms. Sanders also argued that "it proves that Bernie is the 'family values' candidate. A man who takes care of his own family as well as...
  • Tearful Obama Enacts More Gun Controls [semi-satire]

    01/10/2016 1:13:51 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Determined not to let an uncooperative Congress impede necessary gun controls, a teary President Obama announced a new round of executive legislation aimed at reducing gun violence. While his actions lack Constitutional or statutory authority, the President claimed to be "taking the moral high ground" and alleged that "90% of Americans agree with me." The gist of the President's initiative is to "gum up the works as much as possible in order to make the acquisition of a gun a lengthy, tedious, and frustrating undertaking. Even if all we accomplish is to prevent one person from obtaining a firearm that...
  • Hillary Campaign Calls Classification Rules "Dumb" [semi-satire]

    01/09/2016 3:07:41 PM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    A revelation from the latest batch of emails from former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's unsecured private server indicating that she explicitly instructed a subordinate to bypass classification regulations was brushed off as "a phony scandal" by her campaign. Campaign Manager Robbie Mook admitted that "by all appearances this would seem a violation of the rules. However, if we closely examine the circumstances we can see in this instance, following the rules would've been just dumb." "Look, the issue was the transmission of the 'talking points' for Secretary Clinton to use in promulgating the false cover story blaming the video...
  • Congress' Repeal of Obamacare and Defunding of Planned Parenthood "Un-Christian" [semi-satire]

    01/09/2016 9:04:13 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Rep. Steve Cohen (D-Tenn) denounced the passage of a bill that would repeal the Affordable Care Act and defund Planned Parenthood as "profoundly un-Christian." "The objection that the President's health care legislation is too costly and too coercive rejects the message Jesus tried to impart to his followers," Cohen maintained. "First of all, money is issued by the government. As such, aren't Christians instructed to render this money to the government if called upon to do so? Jesus didn't say it would be okay to resist taxes because they might be excessive or involuntary." "Second, even if we were to...
  • German Government Flummoxed by Muslim New Year's Eve Assaults [semi-satire]

    01/08/2016 10:16:31 PM PST · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    On New Year's Eve, gangs of Muslims immigrants accosted, groped, assaulted, robbed, and raped women in Berlin, Cologne, Hamburg, Stuttgart, and Dusseldorf, Germany. Local police were unwilling or unable to come to the aid of victims, complaining that "there were too many offenders for us to contend with. They were throwing rocks and bottles at us. It was just too dangerous for us to get involved." Cologne Mayor Henriette Reker saw her city's police's inability to intervene as "a blessing in disguise. What we really have here is a clash of cultures. In the Muslim community only prostitutes and immoral...
  • Dems Craft Bill Criminalizing Anti-Muslim Speech [semi-satire]

    01/05/2016 10:05:06 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Rep. Donald Beyer (D-VA), along with 82 co-sponsors from the Democratic Party, introduced House Resolution 569. This legislation makes hateful rhetoric towards Muslims a crime in the United States. Beyer contends that "this legislation is needed to head-off the abuse of this beleaguered minority before it becomes entrenched." Religion-based hate crimes against Jews in the United States are five times as common as hate crimes against Muslims. Still, Beyer defended singling out crimes against Muslims for greater attention contending that "it's too late for us to try to undo centuries of anti-Semitism, especially if doing so would further inflame Muslims...
  • Obama Administration Sets New Record for Executive Action [semi-satire]

    01/04/2016 12:54:35 PM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    As 2015 drew to a close, the Obama Administration reached new highs in the number of regulations issued by the Executive branch. For the year, over 81,000 pages of new rules made their way into the Federal Register. This marked the third time in seven years—also a record—that the Administration added more than 80,000 pages of new regs. While those concerned with the Constitution's separation of powers voiced some discomfort with this tide of legislation through executive fiat, Congress, for the most part did little to try to thwart it. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell excused his chamber's inaction saying...
  • NYC Adopts Draconian Penalty for Offending Transgenders [semi-satire]

    01/04/2016 8:48:13 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    In an effort to discipline its inhabitants into respecting transgender preferences, the New York City Commission on Human Rights updated the City's discrimination rules to incorporate a $250,000 fine for failure to use an individual's desired gender-based pronoun when addressing that person either orally or in writing. The new rule is more complex than simply using cues from the way a person is dressed to guess whether to refer to that person as "he" or "she." A whole panoply of possible pronouns is covered by the ordinance. These include he/him/his, she/her/hers, as well as others such as they/them/theirs and ze/hir....
  • Turkey's President Sees Nazi Germany as Model for His Country [semi-satire]

    01/03/2016 7:58:20 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Turkey's President Recep Tayyip Erdogan says he hopes to revamp his country's constitution to establish a presidential unitary state like the one used in Germany from 1933 to 1945—the period when Adolf Hitler ruled and led the country into a disastrous attempt to conquer Europe. Erdogan blamed the ill-advised decisions of Hitler for World War II, not the constitutional framework constructed by the Nazis. "Placing all power in the hands of a single man avoids the inherent inefficiencies of parliamentary government," Erdogan argued. "The clashing personalities of a multi-membered governing body like parliament impede expeditious action. Indecisive and lengthy debates...
  • Jackson, Mississippi Councilman Urges Constituents to Attack Police [semi-satire]

    01/02/2016 11:16:21 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Kenneth Stokes, a councilman in the City of Jackson, Mississippi's Third Ward, urged residents to "violently oppose police intrusion into our neighborhood." Stokes was especially concerned with police pursuit of suspects fleeing from crime scenes in nearby white neighborhoods. "Brothers who have successfully fled to Black neighborhoods should be protected against police brutality by the righteous defense of our turf," Stokes asserted. "We need to take heed of how Muslim communities in cities in Europe have defended their turf from the intrusion of infidel police. We need to end the knee-jerk submission to white standards and values and uphold our...
  • Hillary Doubles Down on Benghazi Lies [semi-satire]

    01/02/2016 8:04:53 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Despite substantial evidence to the contrary, former Secretary of State and current contender for the Democratic Party's presidential nomination Hillary Clinton insists that she is the one telling the truth about the terrorist attack that killed four Americans in Benghazi in 2012. In an interview with the editorial board of New Hampshire's Conway Daily Sun this week she rebuffed the evidence and blandly maintained that "I am the one telling the truth. Those who find the mutually corroborated stories being told by the grieving relatives of those killed in the attack persuasive are letting their hearts overrule their heads. These...
  • European Governments Perplexed on How to Deal with Refugee Crime Wave [semi-satire]

    01/01/2016 8:44:49 PM PST · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    A surge in crimes committed by Muslim refugees in Germany and elsewhere has European governments perplexed over how to cope. Thanks to Muslim immigration, Sweden is now the western world's leader in rape. Similar surges in sexual assault, beatings and thefts by recent immigrants in other countries have sparked widespread fear among indigenous inhabitants. German Minister of Information Hansel Verbrecher described his government's dilemma as "a clash of cultural values. As Muslims see it, an uncovered woman is a sinner, at best. If she is also an unbeliever, the Quran says it is just for a Muslim to rape or...
  • ACLU, NAACP Decry Court Decision on Abortion [semi-satire]

    12/21/2015 9:15:12 AM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 Dec 2015 | John Semmens
    The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals decision upholding an Arizona law banning abortions performed because of the sex or race of the baby was assailed by spokesmen for the law's opponents as "a backward step toward slavery and oppression." NCAAP spokesperson Shakeel Infante maintained that "forcing an African-American woman to bear a baby she doesn't want negates the promise of freedom we are striving to implement in this country. Motherhood has burdens. Forcing those burdens on an unwilling woman is slavery, pure and simple." ACLU spokesperson Alexa Kolbi-Molinas agreed and added that "not only does this ruling enslave Black women,...
  • UN Officials Aghast at Unwarranted Reaction to Muslim Violence [semi-satire]

    12/20/2015 9:36:30 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 Dec 2015 | John Semmens
    The UN's Adama Dieng, special adviser on the prevention of genocide, and Jennifer Welsh, special adviser on the responsibility to protect civilians warned against the unwarranted reactions of non-Muslims to recent terror attacks in Paris and San Bernardino, California. "Every religion has its own idiosyncratic beliefs and behaviors," Dieng pointed out. "What may seem bizarre, incomprehensible and inexcusable to one faith may be the epitome of devout observance to another. For Muslims it is important to show ones faith by taking up arms against unbelievers. For Christians, Jews, Buddhists, or whatever, to object evinces a shameful intolerance." Welsh concurred and...
  • Bergdahl to Face Court-Martial [semi-satire]

    12/19/2015 1:01:25 PM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 Dec 2015 | John Semmens
    This week, the US Army announced that Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl will stand trial on charges of desertion and "misbehaving before the enemy." Bergdahl was returned to the US in exchange for the release of five terrorists in 2014. Bergdahl spent five years with the Taliban after leaving his military post in Afghanistan in 2009. At the time of the exchange, President Obama welcomed Bergdahl home saying that he had "served with honor and distinction." Press Secretary Josh Earnest denied that the Army's decision to court-martial him invalidated the President's earlier praise of the man, saying that "in our country a...
  • Obama Admin Defends Gitmo Releases [semi-satire]

    12/19/2015 10:16:36 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 Dec 2015 | John Semmens
    Reports that nearly all of the terrorists the Obama Administration has released have rejoined the jihad against the West left the Administration unfazed. In fact, that only 191 of 196 of the individuals released have joined the ranks of ISIS, al-Qaeda, Hezbollah and the like was touted as "relatively successful." "I've always believed that it is better to let 100 guilty men go free than to imprison one innocent man," said Defense Secretary Ashton Carter. "If we're keeping score here, we see that we only let 191 guilty men go free in order to free five innocent men. So, it...
  • Sanders Campaign Breach Called "Most Serious Threat Ever" [semi-satire]

    12/18/2015 2:41:20 PM PST · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 Dec 2015 | John Semmens
    Due to a temporary lapse of a "firewall" in the Democratic National Committee's (DNC) database, the Sanders campaign was able to access confidential information on the Clinton campaign. Discovery of the breach has led the DNC to block further access by the Sanders campaign. While blocking Sanders' people from accessing data on registered Democratic voters is regarded as a serious setback to the Senator's chance of winning the Party's presidential nomination, the Clinton campaign is not satisfied the penalty is severe enough. "Sanders' covert spying into the strategy of Secretary Clinton's campaign is the most serious threat ever to this...
  • Hillary Campaign Denounces Benghazi “Smear” [semi-satire]

    12/14/2015 1:10:06 PM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2015 | John Semmens
    In a recent interview on ABC TV, Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton denied that she ever told the mourning family members of the four Americans murdered in Benghazi in 2012 that she blamed a video for their deaths. Unfortunately, those family members unanimously tell a different story. Tyrone Woods' father remembered Clinton promising that "the filmmaker who was responsible for the death of your son will be arrested and punished." Sean Smith's mother and uncle said Clinton told them the same thing. Glen Doherty's sister was especially offended by what she characterized as "a gratuitous falsehood. The video story was...
  • State Department Defends Refugee Vetting Survey Instrument [semi-satire]

    12/14/2015 8:30:08 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2015 | John Semmens
    State Department spokesman John Kirby ridiculed Congressional attempts to "interfere with the President's immigration policies as unhelpful and unnecessary." Kirby specifically chided efforts to restrict Administration plans to transport refugees from Syria to the United States if they can't be properly vetted. "We already have a vigorous screening process in place," Kirby asserted. "Before any refugee is admitted he must first answer questions designed to detect potential terrorists--questions like 'Are you a member or representative of a terrorist organization?' And ' Do you seek to engage in terrorist activities while in the United States?' A yes answer to any one...
  • Administration Admits CO2 Cuts Futile [semi-satire]

    12/13/2015 7:49:15 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2015 | John Semmens
    This week at the United Nations Paris summit on climate-change, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry admitted that "even if every western nation reduced its carbon emissions to zero—a clearly impossible accomplishment—global CO2 will continue to rise." The reason is that the growing emissions from the less-developed nations will easily overwhelm whatever the West does. Still, Kerry pressed for western nations to make the commitment "because it would be a noble gesture. By sacrificing our prosperity we make reparation for the centuries of exploitation and oppression we have inflicted on our victims. Ideally, this sacrifice would earn us gratitude, but...
  • Administration Defends Initial Moves Following San Bernardino Terrorist Attack [satire]

    12/12/2015 7:59:54 AM PST · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2015 | John Semmens
    December 2's murder of 14 and wounding of 21 at an office holiday party by Syed Rizwan Farook and his wife Tashfeen Malik in San Bernardino, California was immediately recognized as terrorism by the FBI. Nonetheless, orders from the White House forbade the investigators from publicly acknowledging this. Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest defended this suppression of critical information "as part of the President's broader strategic goals. Tragic as the event may have been for those involved, their interests cannot be allowed to supersede these goals." Among the broader strategic goals Earnest mentioned "was the necessity of insulating the Administration...
  • Colorado ACLU Honcho Says Trump Supporters Should Be Shot [semi-satire]

    12/12/2015 12:01:43 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2015 | John Semmens
    In a post to his public page on Facebook, Loring Wirbel, a board member of the Colorado ACLU and co-chair of the Colorado Springs chapter, justified shooting anyone who supports the idea that Donald Trump should be elected president. "Not too long ago Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush was asked if he would be willing to travel back in time and kill Hitler in his crib," Wirbel recalled. "Gov. Bush quite sensibly said yes. Well, Donald Trump is our era's Hitler and we wouldn't have to travel back in time to take the action necessary to prevent him from ushering...
  • IRS Demands Charities Collect Social Security #s from Donors [semi-satire]

    12/07/2015 11:10:55 AM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 Dec 2015 | John Semmens
    Contending that its ability to adequately monitor, measure and police tax-deductible donations is greatly hampered by insufficient data, the IRS is demanding that all organizations receiving such donations obtain donors' Social Security numbers and forward this information to the IRS. "It's bad enough that the law allows a person to reduce the amount of tax he pays to us by deducting charitable contributions," Commissioner John Koskinen lamented. "What's worse is that the task of verifying the amount and legitimacy of these donations is tedious and time-consuming. Having all donors' Social Security numbers supplied by the receiving organization would substantially ease...
  • Obama Climate Comment Runs Overtime [semi-satire]

    12/06/2015 9:22:43 AM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 Dec 2015 | John Semmens
    Each participant in this past week's COP21 climate conference in Paris was allocated three minutes to make his point. President Obama blew through numerous cues that his time was up on his way to a 14-minute bloviation. Press Secretary Josh Earnest rejected contentions that Obama was rude and disrespectful toward his fellow 140 heads-of-state. "We have the most important person alive today offering his unique views on the most important topic in human history and people want to chide him for running a few minutes over? I think the guy who kept interrupting him with his incessant buzzing on the...