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Articles Posted by John Semmens

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  • Reid Can’t Read [semi-satire]

    01/27/2015 9:19:52 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) acknowledged that injuries to his eye sustained in an exercise apparatus mishap last month prevent him from reading. Rather than being an impediment to his legislative performance, though, Reid insists that it will be an asset. “The premise that a lawmaker needs to read the words he is enacting into law is erroneous,” Reid asserted. “Attempting to read the 1000 page bills we are asked to act upon is time consuming and, ultimately, unnecessary. Even when I could read I couldn’t bring myself to wade through the 2000 pages of the Affordable Care Act....
  • President Issues Statement Commemorating 42nd Anniversary of Roe vs Wade [semi-satire]

    01/26/2015 8:56:30 AM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama hailed the 42nd anniversary of 1973’s Supreme Court decision legalizing abortion at any time for any reason throughout a woman’s pregnancy. “Since 1973 over 50 million unwanted births have been prevented,” Obama pointed out. “That’s 50 million mothers spared the toils and troubles of rearing children they did not want. That’s 50 million individuals spared the indignity of being an unwanted child.” The President also took this anniversary as an opportunity to call for “continued vigilance against those who would have us backtrack on this vital human right.” Two instances of “backtracking” as the President sees it are...
  • President Touts Expansion of Welfare State to Boost “Middle Class” [semi-satire]

    01/25/2015 9:21:57 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    In his 2015 State-of-the Union address, President Obama lamented the unfairness of a society where only the few do spectacularly well. He proposed to rectify this injustice by expanding government programs that would offer pittances to a broader number of people who comply with specified behaviors. One stark example was the President’s proposal to penalize individuals who set aside money for their own children’s education with higher taxes that would be used to partially fund community college for all. “Why should those who have the means to finance their own children’s college be permitted to do so when the children...
  • Bush/Romney Political Wedding Falls Through [semi-satire]

    01/24/2015 9:08:50 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Hopes that a political wedding between former governors Jeb Bush (R-Fla) and Mitt Romney (R-Mass)--both potential Republican contenders for the presidency—would sweep aside other rivals fell through this week. While both the Bush and Romney camps were loath to release many details, insiders say the chief sticking point was who would be on top. Romney spokesman Richard Butz laid the blame on what he termed "Bush dynastic aspirations. It was our feeling that Mitt ought to be the one at the top of the ticket. Our polling shows that a substantial number of voters wish they had voted for Mitt...
  • White House Outraged over Boehner Invitation to Netanyahu [semi-satire]

    01/23/2015 3:45:45 PM PST · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    The invitation House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) issued to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to address a joint session of Congress has the Obama Administration in a state of apoplexy. "The Speaker did not have President Obama's permission to issue such an invitation," complained Press Secretary Josh Earnest. "Prime Minister Netanyahu did not have the President's permission to accept the invitation. It's a major breach of protocol that undermines Executive Supremacy." House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) characterized Boehner's move as "a critical blunder. I wouldn't be surprised if the President were to use this as an excuse to disband...
  • Canned Goods to Provide Security at Alabama School [satire]

    01/21/2015 1:07:03 PM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Huntsville, Alabama’s W.F. Burns Middle School Principal Priscilla Holley sent a letter home with students asking the parents of each of them to equip their child with 8 ounces of canned goods that the student would use as a weapon against armed intruders. The idea is that the possibility of being hit by a can of beans would deter gunmen from harming the children. A key feature of this plan, according to Holley, is “the element of surprise. We believe that a barrage of cans thrown by our 12 and 13 year-old students would be a formidable response.” The Principal...
  • Houston Mayor Says Jury Trial Unnecessary [satire]

    01/20/2015 8:49:07 AM PST · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Critics of Houston Mayor Annise Parker’s new protections for transgenders (allowing them to use whichever restroom they desire regardless of their anatomy) saw their petitions aimed at getting Mayor’s policy on the ballot arbitrarily declared invalid. The Mayor now wants these critics to be judged by a “Special Master” for “attempting to overturn simple justice through improper utilization of the petition process.” Those accused of this made-up crime have demanded a jury trial, a demand for something that Parker calls “ludicrous and unnecessary.” “The role of a jury is to determine the facts of a case,” Parker lectured. “In this...
  • President Urges Sounder Business Practices for Small Businesses [satire]

    01/19/2015 10:15:15 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    On Thursday, President Obama issued a Presidential Memorandum, directing all federal agencies to give federal workers six weeks of paid leave for parents with a new child. The President is expected to call for Congress to pass similar legislation compelling all American companies to offer the same six weeks of paid paternal leave. Small business owners are worried about the cost of this new entitlement. The President’s Council of Economic Advisers has estimated that the cost of this new perk for federal employees will run to $250 million per year. Press Secretary Josh Earnest downplayed these small business fears as...
  • President Calls for Government to Takeover Broad Band Service [satire]

    01/18/2015 10:29:36 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Lambasting what he termed “a confusing cacophony of competing private providers,” President Obama called for government “to step in and simplify everything by consolidating all broad band service under one umbrella.” “Right now, consumers face the continuous burden of choosing which plan to purchase,” the President pointed out. “There’s always a fear of choosing unwisely. If we eliminate this necessity to choose, consumers will be freed from this task. Instead of being faced with a difficult dilemma of what to do if their current provider is unsatisfactory, all consumers will be enrolled in a standard, uniform service. No one would...
  • Hebdo Attackers "Smeared" by Child Porn Revelations [satire]

    01/17/2015 8:22:51 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Radical imam Anjem Choudary characterized investigators' disclosure that Cherif Kouachi and Amedy Coulibaly—murderers of the Hebdo cartoonists—were frequent visitors to websites featuring child pornography as "a smear of their reputations." French detectives found five child porn photos on Coulibaly's laptop and 37 on Kouachi's PC. Kouachi's "favorites" folder included lurid pictures of young boys and girls involved in sexual acts with adults. "Just because Western culture declares relationships between adult men and pre-teens to be illicit doesn't make it so," Choudary complained. "The Prophet's (may peace be upon him) favorite wife married him when she was only six years old...
  • Obama Says Armed Response to Muslim Terrorism Wrong Approach [satire]

    01/16/2015 11:40:57 PM PST · by John Semmens · 32 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    While attempting not appear to condone the murder of the Hebdo staff and the Jewish hostages at a kosher supermarket in Paris last week, President Obama blamed France's failure to integrate Muslims into their society. "The fact is, Europe has done a poor job of making Muslim immigrants feel welcome," Obama said. "In country after country Muslims are isolated in ghetto-like conditions rather than dispersed among the general population like they are in the United States." The President dismissed contentions that the concentration of Muslims into enclaves was by choice. "The Muslim way of life has very specific requirements," Obama...
  • Ban on Fossil Fuels Needed to Save Planet [satire]

    01/13/2015 7:58:21 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    A study prepared by University College, London says severe restrictions on the use of fossil fuels are needed to prevent a forecast 2º centigrade increase in temperature over the next 100 years. Lead researcher Dr Christophe McGlade asserted that “decreasing the global consumption of fossil fuels is both essential and attainable. Humans can survive without these polluting commodities. In colder climates people can wear more layers of warmer clothing. We can drastically reduce the amount of combustion used to keep warm.” “In warmer climates people can let their own bodies’ sweat evaporation process keep them cool,” McGlade pointed out. “I...
  • New York City to Ban Styrofoam [satire]

    01/12/2015 8:27:48 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    New York Mayor Bill deBlasio brushed off recent troubles between the police and the community in order to focus on what he considers “a much bigger existential threat to our way of life.” That threat: the use of Styrofoam containers by restaurants to keep takeout orders hot or cold. “Styrofoam is one of the top two or three threats to the planet,” de Blasio argued. “I realize that it doesn’t grab headlines like cops killing minorities or being killed in return do, but it has a bigger footprint in the scheme of things over the long run.” The Mayor insisted...
  • Harvard Faculty Outraged by Obamacare [satire]

    01/11/2015 9:45:15 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Irate that deductibles on their post-Obamacare health insurance have soared to $250 per year, the Harvard faculty has vented its spleen at the Administration. Previously, faculty health insurance plans had no deductibles. Dr. Albie Derned, Associate Professor Philosophy, characterized the increase as “intolerable” and “a stab in the back. We have been 100% behind the President in his efforts to transform this country’s health care system. For us to be swept into plans we don’t like is poor payback for our loyalty.” The fact that deductibles for ordinary people under the Obamacare rules are typically twenty times as high did...
  • Muslim Terrorism Excused [satire]

    01/10/2015 6:00:41 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Armed Muslim terrorists slew a dozen unarmed members of the editorial staff of the satirical paper Charlie Hebdo in a raid on the paper's Paris office this week. Though the gunman proclaimed these murders as retribution for the paper's mockery of Islamic extremism, leading liberal luminaries have reassured everyone that the attack had nothing to do with "real" Islam. The New York Times dismissed a female survivor's recounting of being spared and advised to convert and obey the Quran as "unreliable testimony. Given the traumatic circumstances these witnesses couldn't be expected to clearly remember events." The NYT's editors contrasted "the...
  • President Suggests Free Community College for Everyone [satire]

    01/09/2015 9:21:21 PM PST · by John Semmens · 19 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Taking heed of the nation's lowest workforce participation rates since the 1970s, President Obama suggested a plan for government funding of community college for every high school student with a C average or better. "We have liberated more people from wage slavery than any prior administration," Obama boasted. "While this, in itself, is a remarkable achievement we shouldn't rest on our laurels. We need to go the next step." Why free community college would be the "next step" was explained by the President's assertion that "going to college is a great experience that no one should be denied just because...
  • Court Refuses to Reconsider Citizenship Lawsuit [satire]

    01/06/2015 8:51:07 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    A three-judge panel of the 10th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Denver tersely rejected a request from Arizona and Kansas that an earlier decision overturning those states’ proof of citizenship requirement for registering to vote be reconsidered. “The law that these states want to enforce directly contradicts the policy that President Obama decreed last November,” the panel ruled. “The President has mandated new rights for those illegally in the country. To allow states to dilute these rights by imposing their own requirements violates the presidential supremacy clause of the US Constitution.” if you missed any of this week's other...
  • Obama Gives Himself an A+ for Performance [satire]

    01/05/2015 8:19:59 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Despite characterizing himself as a “hard grader,” President Obama rated his performance for the recently concluded 2014 an “A+.” “My critics want to harp on their pet issues to claim my Administration was a failure, but let’s look at what I was able to accomplish,” he asserted. “Republicans are slapping each other on the back for taking more seats in Congress than their Party has had since 1928, but it was my agenda that Congress enacted with the Cromnibus bill in November,” the President boasted. “I broke new ground in how the country is governed by stepping in to enact...
  • Guv Wants Football Games to Start Later [satire]

    01/04/2015 8:21:46 AM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton (D) is pushing for a law that would ban football game kick-offs before noon. “The early start times are really unfair to the poor and minorities, many of whom are still in bed at that hour,” Dayton claimed. “These start times may be okay for people who are used to getting up early to go to work, but they are out of sync with other lifestyles.” Setting a time more accommodating to these “other lifestyles” is important because “watching TV is a much bigger part of the lives of those on public assistance. They shouldn’t be...
  • Reid Blames Koch Brothers for Injuries [satire]

    01/03/2015 12:07:36 PM PST · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Senator Harry Reid was injured when a home exercise apparatus he was using collapsed under him. The former Majority Leader suffered broken bones in his face and ribs. Though his injuries were described as "relatively minor," Reid's anger at the Koch brothers was not. "I don't know how they did it, but their insidious campaign of terror against this country's legitimate leaders must be stopped," Reid demanded. Doubtful that a judicial remedy could suffice due to lack of evidence, Reid vowed he would "call upon the President to utilize his newly asserted executive authority to ensure that justice is meted...
  • Obama Calls for Truce in Fight Against ISIL [satire]

    01/03/2015 7:44:18 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Citing reports that troops fighting for the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) may have come down with Ebola, US President Obama called for a halt in all military action against them. "For us to continue the fight while our opponent is ailing would violate a basic sense of fairness," the President maintained. "If there's one thing I think all Americans can agree on it's that we shouldn't kick a foe when he's down. True sportsmanship mandates that we at least pause our attacks until ISIL troops are restored to health." In a bid to help speed ISIL's...
  • NYC Mayor Blames Media for Disrupting Unity [satire]

    12/30/2014 8:39:30 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    New York Major Bill de Blasio lashed out at the media for disrupting the City’s unity. “While I have been working diligently to convey an image of solidarity between myself and those protesting against police brutality, the media have introduced divergent perspectives that now threaten what I’ve sought to achieve.” The “divergent perspective” seems to be the idea that murdering police officers is an illegitimate method of protest against perceived racial inequities in law enforcement. “Police knowingly undertake jobs that are inherently risky,” de Blasio said. “Still, when all the numbers are tabulated, the police suffer fewer casualties than they...
  • FDA to Announce Ban on Sprinkles [satire]

    12/29/2014 8:50:50 AM PST · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Though the amount of trans fats in the sprinkles that are used to adorn donuts and ice cream cones is extremely low, the Food and Drug Administration is determined to eliminate these items from the food chain. “There is no good reason why anyone should consume these non-nutritional pollutants in our food supply,” said FDA nutrition expert Harley Sain. “The donuts and ice cream cones where sprinkles are usually found are bad enough on their own without this worthless addition.” Sain admitted that “if it were totally up to me, we’d be banning the donuts and ice cream, too. No...
  • Administration Expert Calls for Zero CO2 Emissions [satire]

    12/28/2014 8:00:27 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    White House Science Adviser John Holdren declared that “the global goal should be to strive for zero carbon dioxide emissions by the year 2100.” He also warned that “it won’t be easy.” One of the factors adding to the difficulty is that every living creature exhales CO2 as an essential function of being alive. The seemingly simple solution of exterminating every living thing is complicated by the emission of greenhouse gases—including CO 2—from decaying corpses. Despite these looming difficulties, Holdren says he is “optimistic that ways around these impediments will be devised before we get to 2100. If the exhalation...
  • Song Mocking Michael Brown Spurs Investigation [satire]

    12/27/2014 5:41:26 PM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    The disclosure that a song making fun of Michael Brown—the young man shot by Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson last August—was played at a party at an Elks Lodge in Glendale California has inspired the Los Angeles Police Department to open an investigation. “Michael Brown has become an icon of the Black Community,” LAPD information officer Jesus Santos asserted. “Many see him as a martyr who died defending the rights of their race. White people have no right to mock him. We need to find out who is behind this song and bring him or her to justice.” Santos speculated...
  • Rangel Decries "Dead Cops" Slander [satire]

    12/27/2014 8:17:15 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY) contended that claims that police brutality protesters chanted "we want dead cops" are "a slander against Black people." This is despite video and audio evidence that appears to verify the claim. "To my ears, these protesters are saying 'we want dread cops,'" Rangel maintained. "Some of us may not have the strongest skills with the English language or be very good with our elocution, but in my heart I can't believe that my people would call for bloodshed." In Rangel's view it makes more sense that the demonstrators were calling for "dread cops, because dreads are...
  • GOP to Become Party of "Yes" [satire]

    12/26/2014 10:59:44 PM PST · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Incoming Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) brushed off complaints from his Party's conservative wing that his recent actions on the Cromnibus Bill served mainly to enable President Obama's illegal amnesty and fund all of his ill-conceived initiatives—including Obamacare—that Republicans had pledged to oppose if they won the November elections. "Rather than get bogged down in fighting over every specific policy or program, we are going to rebrand the GOP as the Party of 'yes,'" McConnell said. "People don't like to hear the word 'no.' They prefer to get what they want. If we can communicate the message that Republicans...
  • Sessions Will Not Be Senate Budget Committee Chairman [satire]

    12/24/2014 9:55:20 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala) will not be the incoming chairman of the Senate Budget Committee. He has been pushed aside in favor of Sen. Mike Enzi (R-Wyo) despite having served as the top Republican on the committee for the past four years. “It came down to a simple question of who was acceptable to President Obama,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) said. “While Senator Sessions has served competently while our Party was in the minority, the President has made it clear that someone more agreeable must man this vital post going forward.” “The time for contesting the priorities of...
  • President’s Change in Cuban Policy Called “First Step” [satire]

    12/23/2014 8:28:15 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Congressman Charlie Rangel (D-NY) hailed President Obama’s move to reestablish diplomatic relations with Cuba as “inspired leadership that has made me proud to be an American.” “For too long a succession of white presidents has oppressed this small, racially diverse island nation,” Rangel contended. “It took a Black man to right this wrong.” Rangel said he hopes that “diplomatic recognition is the just the first step. We need to make reparations for the 50 years of suffering the US Government has imposed on the Cuban people.” The Congressman said he “would support legislation aimed at providing food, housing, and other...
  • University Students Sign Petition to Deport Citizens [satire]

    12/22/2014 9:30:24 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Two-thirds of the George Washington University students who were asked to sign a petition calling for Americans to be deported in order to make room for illegal immigrants to reside in the country did so. “The ones we’ve labeled as ‘illegal immigrants’ have just as much right to be here as anyone,” said political science major Adelle Pated. “I mean, as a nation of immigrants, the recent arrivals are probably more representative of what this country is all about than the people born here.” “Deporting anti-social segments of the citizenry to balance out the population flow makes ecological sense,” contended...
  • US Nuclear Disarmament 85% Accomplished [satire]

    12/21/2014 8:13:29 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    The State Department’s Under-Secretary for Arms Control and International Security, Rose Gottemoeller, proudly bragged to a Brookings Institution gathering that “our progress toward total nuclear disarmament is now 85% of the way there. If we can maintain the pace, our last nuclear device will be moth-balled before President Obama completes his term.” Gottemoeller asserted that “it is our fervent hope that our example will inspire others to follow suit” and maintained that “a nuclear-free world will be a safer world.” Whether either of these aspirations would bear out is unknown. Prior to the dawn of the nuclear age less potent...
  • Sony Gives Sharpton Say So on Future Movie Releases [satire]

    12/20/2014 1:32:01 PM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    In an effort to undo some of the damage from the release of embarrassing internal emails by hackers angry over the movie "The Interview," Sony executive Amy Pascal agreed to let race expert Al Sharpton have the final say on any future movies the firm makes. Although not a party to the hacking, per se, Sharpton castigated Sony for "it's extreme racial bias in the way this controversial film was made. Blacks were excluded from all the major roles. I don't buy the idea that a movie about a Korean dictator isn't a good fit for Black actors. If Jamie...
  • Homeland Security Advises Bigger, Stronger Fence [satire]

    12/20/2014 7:13:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Citing the “dire threat” posed by uninvited intruders, the US Department of Homeland Security is recommending a substantial investment in improved fencing for the White House. “As it stands right now, hostile elements can easily breach the meager barrier that the current fence around the White House presents,” Secretary Jeh Johnson complained. “This is as grave a threat to our nation and its government as could exist. We must take steps to seal off the ease of ingress as a matter of national security.” Administration critics juxtaposed Johnson’s alarm over the inadequacy of the White House fence with his more...
  • Judge Says President's Executive Action on Immigration Unconstitutional [satire]

    12/19/2014 3:49:54 PM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Judge Arthur Schwab of the Western District of Pennsylvania ruled that portions of President Obama's unilateral action on illegal immigrants violate the US Constitution's separation of powers. “The alleged grounds of prosecutorial discretion are inadequate to support the totality of what he has tried to do,” Schwab said. “He can decline to prosecute these lawbreakers. That is the limit of his discretion. He does not have the authority to issue them identity papers that would make them eligible for employment or government benefits that existing law prohibits.” Democratic U.S. Senators Dick Durbin (Ill) and Richard Blumenthal (Conn) contend that Schwab...
  • Venezuelan President Calls American Oil Fracking “Act of Aggression” [satire]

    12/18/2014 9:28:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    With his country’s economy on the ropes due to declining oil prices, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro blamed the United States oil fracking industry. “It is an act of aggression against my country and a crime against humanity,” Maduro maintained. “Venezuela needs high oil prices to support our programs to feed our people. These frackers are destroying our ability to feed ourselves.” While most economists see falling fuel prices as beneficial for the vast majority of consumers, Maduro complained that “most of the beneficiaries are rich, white Americans. Saving them money at our cost is a direct attack on my government’s...
  • Congressman Demands Investigation of FDIC “Choke Point” Policy [satire]

    12/17/2014 9:38:51 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Rep. Blaine Luetkemeyer (R-Mo) is demanding an investigation of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation’s “Operation Choke Point” practices. Under these practices, the FDIC pressured banks to freeze or close accounts of businesses that the US Department of Justice designated as “anti-social enterprises.” Among the businesses targeted by DOJ are firearms sellers, coin dealers, and pharmaceutical sales. Martin Gruenberg, chairman of the FDIC, admitted that “while these businesses are not illegal, per se, the president has made it very clear that they are outside the boundary of the type of businesses he thinks we ought to have in our society. There...
  • Ferguson Rioters Object to Time Magazine Decision [satire]

    12/16/2014 3:46:20 PM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Time magazine’s editors’ selection of the Ebola fighters as the recipients of the publication’s annual “person of the year” designation greatly riled some of the leaders of the Ferguson, Missouri riots. “It’s just another case demonstrating that Black lives don’t matter,” complained arsonist Monte Burns. “An innocent Black man was shot down on our streets. Now a white magazine is trying to sweep that under the rug by pushing a story about some germs.” “The Ebola fighters haven’t done anything to help right the social injustices that plague America,” insisted Ferguson looter Robbie Moore. “We’re taking direct action to redistribute...
  • Illegal Immigrant Sues Border Patrol [satire]

    12/15/2014 8:46:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Illegal immigrant Jose Manuel Marino-Najera has filed suit against the US Border Patrol for dog bite injuries he sustained during his arrest. Marino-Najera was among a group of immigrants smuggling marijuana across the border. He is alleging that his human rights were violated. “Those border guards disobeyed their own President Obama,” Marino-Najera declared. “He says I have a right to go where I want. They should have given me food and water, not sicced their dogs on me.” Marino-Najera’s lawyer Susan Horschidt claims that “the trauma my client experienced has given him nightmares that have ruined his life. No amount...
  • [Satire] NY Governor Orders Insurers to Cover Sex Reassignment Surgery

    12/14/2014 8:22:45 AM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    New York’s Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) decreed that insurers operating in his state must cover sex reassignment surgery. Up to now insurance has typically not covered this on the grounds that it is elective rather than the result of an unforeseen illness or injury. “The whole idea behind insurance is that it allows the buyer to protect himself against events that he cannot control,” said industry spokesman Barbara Arian. “No one opts to come down with a life-threatening disease or to be maimed in an accident. We can insure against these events because we and the insured both aim to...
  • Cromnibus Puts Taxpayers on Hook for Bank Losses [satire]

    12/13/2014 9:37:16 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    The House-passed $1.1 trillion Continuing Resolution contains a clause that exposes taxpayers to a potential $300 trillion liability for bank losses in derivatives trading. The rider to the CR was the “brain child” of Citigroup. The rider is opposed by both tea party Republicans and left wing Democrats, but is strongly supported by House GOP leadership and President Obama. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), charged that “this maneuver puts the lie to the contention that the GOP is the Party of small government. This is a big government pay off to Wall Street financiers. I’m enormously disappointed that the...
  • Obama Boasts that Successor Won't Be Able to Undo Amnesty [satire]

    12/12/2014 3:19:09 PM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama taunted opponents of his executive action on illegal immigrants, boasting that "it's permanent. No one will be able to unravel it. I'm not just granting them immunity from prosecution for illegally residing in the United States. I'm giving them ID documents, work permits, and Social Security numbers. They'll have the paperwork making them indistinguishable from American citizens. They'll be working and living in our neighborhoods. Their kids will be going to your kids' schools. They'll be voting in our elections. Any efforts to reverse the rights I've bestowed will be punished at the polls." "Rather than embark on...
  • Scrutiny of Planned Parenthood’s Billings to Medicaid Decried [satire]

    12/10/2014 8:58:12 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Fear is building that Wisconsin’s Department of Health Office of Inspector General (OIG) investigation of Planned Parenthood’s over billing of the state’s Medicaid program for services rendered may endanger the financial health of the organization. For example, Planned Parenthood has been billing the state twice the allowable amount for the abortifacient contraceptive Yaz. Beth Hartung, president of the Wisconsin Family Planning and Reproductive Health Association, called the financial reimbursement rules “unreasonable. The mark-ups we attach to these drugs is what helps subsidize services that the state program doesn’t cover.” One of those uncovered programs is surgical abortions. “Squeezing the profit...
  • Jeb Bush Outlines Bizarre Strategy for Prospective 2016 Presidential Race [satire]

    12/09/2014 9:11:34 AM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush (R) is reputed to be weighing his options for a possible bid for the presidency in the 2016 election. His statements, thus far, however raise serious questions regarding his grasp of the process. At issue is his avowed plan to win the general election by losing the primaries. In Bush’s view, the GOP primaries have been co-opted by the Party’s conservative base. The problem with this is that “the conservative base preaches a message of individual liberty that is at odds with the communitarian future I envision for America and the world,” Bush said. “The...
  • Missouri Guv Explains Absence of National Guard at Ferguson Riots [satire]

    12/08/2014 8:16:17 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Governor Jay Nixon (D) explained why, despite pleas from Lieutenant Governor Peter Kinder and Ferguson Mayor James Knowles, the state’s National Guard troops weren’t immediately dispatched to quell the riots. “I couldn’t risk National Guard troops shooting people like they did at Kent State in 1970,” Nixon offered. “Then the blood would be on my hands and Neil Young would write a song about me…me. It’s bad enough that I already share an unfortunate surname with former President Nixon. I didn’t want to replicate his actions.” The Governor characterized the contention that troops might have lessened the damage as “pure...
  • Opponents of Amnesty Oppose Human Rights [satire]

    12/07/2014 8:47:31 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson characterized congressional opponents of amnesty for illegal immigrants as “enemies of human rights.” “The constant questions about how the president’s deferred deportation program helps Americans exposes the selfishness and inhumanity of his critics,” Johnson asserted. “Since when is everything we do supposed to benefit Americans? After all, Americans are a tiny portion of humanity. Why should their interests be permitted to override the well-being of the other 96 percent?” “A case could be made that 4 percent of the world population consuming 20 percent of world output is unfair,” Johnson observed. “Since it is...
  • Consumers to Blame for Obamacare's Failures [satire]

    12/06/2014 8:39:31 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Former Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius attempted to defend the Affordable Care Act health insurance scheme she helped establish by blaming consumers for its shortcomings. "A lot of Americans have no idea what insurance is about," Sebelius said. "It's a complicated product that few are competent to purchase. In hindsight, our biggest mistake was probably trying to incorporate a modicum of individual choice into the system." "If we had just set up a single-payer government-run health insurance regime a lot of the complaints that riled the general public could have been avoided," she continued. "All of the...
  • Obama Takes the Fifth [satire]

    12/05/2014 1:52:19 PM PST · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration defied a court order to turn over documents the IRS illegally shared with the White House in its political vendetta against 2500 conservative organizations. Secretary of the Treasury Jacob Lew, Obama’s former White House Chief of Staff, maintains that “for us to be compelled to testify against ourselves would violate the the Constitution's Fifth Amendment. And if there's one thing that this Administration will defend to the last it is the inviolability of the Constitution.” The specific clause the Secretary is referring to is the one barring the government from compelling an individual in a criminal case...
  • Dems Rebuff GOP Criticism of Illinois [satire]

    12/01/2014 9:37:42 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    The Republican Party’s efforts to cite Illinois as a dire example of what happens when Democrats run a state was strongly contested by that state’s leading Democrats. Republicans say that the fact that there are more people on welfare in the state than are working is a sign of poor government policies. Governor Pat Quinn characterized this argument as “misleading. The fact that a prosperous minority is able to support the majority is a triumph of democracy. The ‘haves’ caring for the ‘have nots’ is the implementation of a moral ideal that lies at the core of every major religion.”...
  • Schumer Says Enacting Obamacare Was a Mistake [satire]

    11/30/2014 9:28:51 AM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) stirred up an intra-Party squabble by asserting that 2010’s passage of the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare, was a mistake. “At best, the number of prospective beneficiaries was small,” Schumer pointed out. “And, as it turned out, was vastly outnumbered by those hurt by the legislation. The deceptions required to ensure the bill’s passage were easily pierced as Americans found out they could not keep their doctors or health plans they liked and that the cost of their insurance was going to be higher. There was no way the Democratic Party could escape blame.”...
  • Ferguson Riots Dwarfed by 1965’s Watts Riots [satire]

    11/29/2014 9:10:01 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    Jealous of all the media attention being given to the riots in Ferguson Missouri, Los Angeles City Councilman Bernard Parks has introduced a resolution calling for a celebration of the 50th anniversary of the Watts Riots. “From all the hoopla attached to the recent events in Ferguson you’d think that this riot is the most significant Black uprising against white oppression in recent memory, but you’d be wrong,” Parks said. “Back in 1965 the Black Community devastated Watts causing 34 deaths, 1,032 injuries, and over $40 million in property damage. Over 3,000 people were arrested. What went down in Ferguson...