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Articles Posted by John Semmens

Brevity: Headers | « Text »
  • Government Steals More than Burglars [semi-satire]

    11/25/2015 10:21:26 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    Data for 2014—the latest year available—indicates that burglars absconded with $3.9 billion worth of victims’ property. At the same time, “civil forfeiture” made off with $4.5 billion worth. The civil forfeiture statute was initially sold as a tool for coping with organized crime. It has morphed into crime wave in which police seize cash from individuals on the slimmest of pretexts and dare the owner to try to get it back through cumbersome and costly procedures. A favored tactic is to assert that any cash that a person may be carrying was obtained via criminal activity. As proof, police cite...
  • California Governor Hails Transformation of State’s Economy [semi-satire]

    11/24/2015 10:30:03 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire | 22 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    A report indicating that 9,000 businesses have relocated headquarters and other operating units outside of California in the last seven years was hailed by Governor Jerry Brown (D) as "encouraging news." According to the report prepared by Joseph Vranich, a site selection consultant and president of Irvine, California-based Spectrum Location Solutions, the exiting companies experienced cost-savings of 20-35%. "Some will try to characterize this as a loss for the state, but I don't see it that way," Brown said. "Wage-slavery is one the greatest infringements on personal freedom in our time. By inducing 9,000 exploiters to leave we are reducing...
  • Sanders Explains Democratic Socialism [semi-satire]

    11/23/2015 9:34:29 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    Contender for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) made an effort to define democratic socialism in a speech to Georgetown University students this week. "Unlike the socialism imposed by Lenin or Mao, democratic socialism allows voters to select who will rule over them," Sanders said. "With the backing of the electorate, these rulers will redress the inequities stemming from inequalities that are no fault of the individual." Sanders asserted "the notion that a person's hard work might entitle him to a disproportionate share of the world's wealth is just plain wrong. A person's ability to work hard is...
  • Every Child Has Potential, Says Planned Parenthood [semi-satire]

    11/22/2015 10:10:49 AM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    During last weekend's Democratic debate, Planned Parenthood tweeted that "every child deserves the opportunity to live up to their God given potential." The tweet was intended to support presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, who has been a stalwart backer of the organization. Inasmuch as Planned Parenthood has accounted for the termination of the lives of tens of millions of children since 1973's Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court decision, many found the tweet ironic. "Not so," insisted President Cecile Richards. "When you look at the home environments that would have awaited the vast majority of those aborted it should be clear that...
  • Paris Terror Attack Spurs Call for Gun Control [semi-satire]

    11/21/2015 9:05:27 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    Despite the fact that France has some of the strictest gun-control laws in the world, the massacre of over 100 people in Paris by gun and bomb wielding Islamic terrorists has inspired Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill) to call for more stringent gun-control regulations in America. “I don’t mean to belittle the grief felt by so many after the tragic events in Paris, but I shudder to think how much worse it would have been if the victims had been armed,” Schakowsky said. “Bullets could have been coming from every direction. Police would have been confused over who were the perpetrators.”...
  • Reid and Obama Vow to Block Bill on Refugee Vetting [semi-satire]

    11/20/2015 3:14:49 PM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) and President Obama vowed they would block a House-passed measure to increase scrutiny of refugees from Syria and Iraq. Concern that terrorists might be hiding among those seeking to escape the war zone led to a veto-proof 289-137 bipartisan majority favoring the bill. Under the bill, the Department of Homeland Security, FBI and director of National Intelligence would have to certify a refugee posed no security threat before he or she could be admitted into the United States. "Only a tiny minority of the Syrians who come to this country are likely to be...
  • Police Dept Nixes Fitness Tests [semi-satire]

    11/17/2015 9:45:24 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    Yielding to a protest by 12 obese female officers, the Colorado Springs Police Department has agreed to discontinue the required annual fitness tests it had been mandating for all personnel. Chief of Police Peter Carey defended the move as "prudent. Granted, an over-weight, out-of-shape officer might have a hard time chasing down and subduing a suspect, but realistically, that activity consumes a relatively minor share of each officer's duties. A law enforcement officer typically spends far more time filling out paperwork,than he or she does apprehending criminals." "If we tried to fight this thing we'd be tied up in court...
  • Swedish Court Rules Medical Personnel Have No Right to Opt out of Abortions [semi-satire]

    11/16/2015 11:16:01 AM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    While acknowledging that the law requiring medical practitioners to conduct abortions may violate the moral objections of some individuals, a Swedish court ruled that "a citizen's legal obligation to obey the law takes precedence over a private right of conscience." The case arose when nurse Ellinor Grimmark sought to be excused from assisting in abortion procedures. "I did not seek to impose my will upon the patients seeking these procedures," Grimmark said. "I only sought to avoid complicity in this crime against the human rights of the little children." Judge Lief Niflheim was not entirely unsympathetic to Grimmark's position, but...
  • Trump Deportation Plan Blasted as “Voter Suppression” Ploy [semi-satire]

    11/15/2015 11:46:55 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    Democratic presidential front runner Hillary Clinton blasted GOP front runner Donald Trump’s plan to deport those in the country illegally as “another absurd Republican attempt to suppress Democratic votes. If these immigrants weren’t the kind going on welfare, if they were self-supporting owners of businesses or skilled workers—in other words, likely Republican voters—he’d be singing a different tune.” “Deporting people is inhumane and un-American,” Clinton contended. “We have no practical experience with such a large and complicated operation. We do have a wealth of experience, however, with providing, food and shelter for the tens of millions who cannot provide for...
  • MSNBC Talking Head Questions GOP Presidential Candidates' Ethnicity [semi-satire]

    11/14/2015 9:00:31 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    MSNBC's Hard Ball host Chris Matthews questioned whether GOP presidential contenders Sen. Ted Cruz (Tx) and Sen. Marco Rubio (Fla) are entitled to consider themselves Hispanic. "From what I can tell, neither of them fits the mold of a true Hispanic," Matthews argued. "Their skin isn't all that dark. They're both opponents of social justice. They both insist that people ought to strive to be self-sufficient. Isn't that some sort of Calvinist concept? They both seem to be pretty white to me." "And then there's Ben Carson," Matthews went on. "Can we really be sure he's black? When I hear...
  • [Satire] University Students Rally for Tyranny

    11/13/2015 8:19:58 PM PST · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    The protests at the University of Missouri that resulted in the ouster of President Tim Wolfe and Chancellor R. Bowen Loftin have reinvigorated student movements against freedom of speech across the nation. Brenda Smith-Lezama, vice president of the Missouri Students Association, took pride in the rising groundswell of support for censorship saying "it's about time the youth of this nation take a stand against the verbal pollution that hides behind the First Amendment. Social justice shouldn't be thwarted by slavish devotion to the out-dated idea that everyone has the right to speak his mind regardless of the consequences." Smith-Lezama hailed...
  • Candidate Seeks to Regain Senate Seat with Promise of Higher Taxes [semi-satire]

    11/10/2015 8:43:57 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    Convinced that Americans are grossly under taxed, former Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold is on a crusade to regain the seat he lost to current Republican Senator Ron Johnson in 2010. "The evidence is overwhelming," Feingold asserted. "Americans are suffering from a surfeit of income that they are squandering on purchases that are detrimental to their well-being. They are over-eating and over-drinking. They are living in single-family homes when they should be living in high-density apartments. They are driving cars when they should be riding public transit. The list of obnoxious and self-indulgent expenditures is lengthy and nauseating." Feingold touted his...
  • Brown Defends Asking State Experts to Report on His Land [semi-satire]

    11/09/2015 10:30:42 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    California Governor Jerry Brown insisted that “there’s nothing wrong with what I did.” What he did was ask employees of the California Division of Oil, Gas and Geothermal Resources—a state agency—to tell him whether there is oil on his private property. “I didn’t ask for any special treatment,” Brown asserted. “I did what any citizen of the state might have done.” “Well, I suppose that any citizen could’ve asked for the same thing,” an employee said in an “off-the-record” interview. “But we wouldn’t have prepared that citizen a 51 page report. When the Governor ‘asks’ you hop to if you...
  • DOJ Abolishes Term: "Juvenile Delinquent" [semi-satire]

    11/08/2015 11:19:48 AM PST · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    US Attorney General Loretta Lynch has decreed that the Department of Justice will no longer use the term "juvenile delinquent" to describe youthful lawbreakers. The new term to be used is "justice involved youth." "Juvenile delinquent has too negative a connotation," Lynch said. "Both words are demeaning. The word 'juvenile' is frequently used to convey an impression of immaturity. To call someone juvenile is, by itself, insulting. Similarly, the word 'delinquent' is judgmental. It communicates a message of wrongful behavior." "The new terminology is more positive sounding," she continued. "A justice involved youth does not stigmatize an individual. It just...
  • Billionaire Says Socialism Needed to Stem Climate Disaster [semi-satire]

    11/07/2015 4:13:36 PM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    Microsoft multi-billionaire Bill Gates averred that freedom and democracy will need to be sacrificed if we are to avert climate disaster. "Left to their own devices, common people don’t see the need for action to prevent global warming," Gates lamented. "They are too prone to place having a job, food on the table, and a comfortable home ahead of working against global warming." Gates advised "a top down imposition of socialism to overcome individual resistance to the measures deemed essential for taming runaway climate change. Only socialism can stifle prosperity sufficiently to achieve the reductions in human activities that contribute...
  • Hillary Boasts ‘I Am Unstoppable’ [semi-satire]

    11/07/2015 1:17:34 PM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    In an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel’s late night talk show, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton proclaimed her election next year as "inevitable. Nominally, Bernie Sanders is still in the race, but since he virtually endorsed me at the debate I think he's seen the writing on the wall and will soon follow Webb and Chafee to the exit." She was even more dismissive of the Republican candidates calling them "an assortment of nuts oblivious to what it takes to govern. If we are to believe the polls, GOP voters are rejecting the one candidate who has a successful record of governing...
  • PLO Assails Cruz Hearing on Terrorism [semi-satire]

    11/06/2015 2:32:37 PM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    The Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO) took issue with how Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) handled a hearing on Middle East terrorism. The hearing entitled, "Justice Forsaken: How the Federal Government Fails the American Victims of Iranian and Palestinian Terrorism," featured witnesses describing attacks by Palestinian suicide bombers against innocent victims. PLO spokesman Haikil Juze complained that "these hearings are one-sided and biased. Contrary to the propaganda spouted by Cruz and his witnesses, Jews are not innocent. The Quran makes that clear. It is every Muslim's sacred duty to strike down these minions of Satan wherever, whenever, and however they can." Juze...
  • NYC to Ban Smoking in Public Housing [semi-satire]

    11/04/2015 9:32:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    A new ordinance sponsored by New York City Councilman Donovan Richards (D-Queens) would bar tenants of government-subsidized housing from smoking in their apartments. The rule would apply to an estimated 178,000 units controlled by the City's Housing Authority. Richards maintained that "as hard as it may be on some of the tenants, the measure is for their own good. The fact that a person lives in subsidized housing is a pretty good indication of a basic lack of competence to make good decisions," he said. "Inability to support yourself imposes this burden on someone else. Whenever that someone else is...
  • Alabama “Teacher of the Year” Unqualified [semi-satire]

    11/03/2015 9:42:54 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    2014-2015 Alabama Teacher of the Year and 2015 National Teacher of the Year finalist Ann Marie Corgill was judged “unqualified” to teach in Birmingham’s schools due to lack of specified state credentials. Corgill holds National Board Certification to teach children ages 7-12 and has been teaching in grades 1-6 for 21 years. Kennita Allen, an education administrator with the Alabama Department of Education insisted that “neither demonstrated success in the classroom nor a national certification can substitute for the required state-issued certificate. Regulations are regulations. They cannot be waived for anyone no matter how competent they may have shown themselves...
  • Senators Question IRS Spying [semi-satire]

    11/02/2015 10:00:07 AM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) and ranking member Patrick Leahy (D-Vt) sent a letter to Treasury Secretary Jacob Lew demanding to know why the IRS is using secret cellphone tracking systems to spy on Americans. “This warrant-less eavesdropping appears to be a blatant invasion of privacy,” Grassley complained. “It’s precisely the kind of overbearing intrusiveness that our Constitution sought to prevent.” IRS Commissioner John Koskinen admitted the spying, but justified it as “necessary. We can’t allow a claim of privacy to deter us from gathering evidence against persons harboring anti-government animus or attempting to deny us access to...
  • Sanders Vows End to Islamophobia [semi-satire]

    11/01/2015 10:23:47 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    Presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) told voters that he will “bring an end to the Islamophobia that has stained our country. Americans’ fear of terrorism is excessive. Muslims in this country aren’t massacring people. There is no cause for anyone to be apprehensive or mistrustful toward them. Suppressing such irrational fears will be a major emphasis in my administration.” The possibility that fear of Muslim immigrants might be warranted escaped Sanders’ purview. For example, since opening its borders to a surge of Muslim immigration, Sweden has experienced a 1400% increase in rapes and now ranks second in the world...
  • Obama to Order Troops to Syria [semi-satire]

    10/31/2015 10:29:08 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    Despite concrete promises to never send ground troops into Syria, President Obama announced that a contingent of Special Forces would be sent to the war-torn country. Press Secretary Josh Earnest attempted to maintain that "the President didn't break a promise. Unforeseen circumstances have altered the realities upon which the initial ban on boots-on-the-ground was decreed. First of all, there is a new player in the game—Russia. Its intervention in Syria changes everything. Our careful plan to degrade terrorist forces is endangered by Russia's unbridled intention to destroy them. This could upset the balance of power in the region." "Second, the...
  • French Mathematicians Question Global Climate Hysteria [semi-satire]

    10/31/2015 12:21:53 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 Nov 2015 | John Semmens
    A recent report authored by a team of mathematicians from the Société de Calcul Mathématique SA challenged what it concluded is "a costly and pointless crusade against a naturally variable climate. The forces driving change are huge and beyond human control. The contribution to climate change that can be traced to human activity is tiny. The measures touted to combat climate change would be both expensive and ineffectual." Global climate expert Al Gore denounced the report as "detrimental to our efforts to unite humanity in this crucial battle to save the planet. I'm not a math whiz, but I know...
  • Kerry Urges Israelis to �Take the High Road� [semi-satire]

    10/27/2015 10:49:12 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    US Secretary of State John Kerry implored Israeli civilians to refrain from shooting knife-wielding Palestinian assassins. I know from an individual perspective the temptation to save ones own life by deploying superior firepower is hard to resist, but the bigger picture needs to be considered, Kerry argued. The whole world was sympathetic when the suffering of the Jews under the Nazis was revealed after World War II, the Secretary said. Their status as unadulterated victims won them virtually universal respect and empathy. The Jews in Israel are endangering that universal respect and empathy by outgunning their attackers. Kerry maintained that...
  • Democrats Block Vote on "Kate's Law" [semi-satire]

    10/26/2015 11:20:32 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    Senate Democrats filibustered a vote on a law that would have increased penalties for dangerous illegal immigrants. The measure nick-named "Kate's law" after Kate Steinlea murder victim of a violent illegal immigrantwas torpedoed when a cloture vote failed to garner the necessary 60 votes. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) condemned the Democrats "for choosing to stand with convicted felons like the murderer of Kate Steinle rather than with the American people." Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) characterized the measure as "profoundly undemocratic. The victims of crimes committed by those in the country illegally are a tiny minority that is vastly...
  • Pelosi Claims Pope Sides with Democrats [semi-satire]

    10/25/2015 7:58:53 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) denounced renewed GOP efforts to defund Planned Parenthood and claimed to have Pope Francis on her side. Pope Francis urged that political leaders shun dogmatic rigidity and make pragmatic compromises for the good of the whole, Pelosi contended. The compromise she suggested the Pope would support would be to allow women to preserve their health by accessing the services of organizations like Planned Parenthood and to pursue the Catholic reverence for innocent life by sustaining those who cannot support themselves. If you pay attention to what Jesus actually said, youll find numerous mention of...
  • Sanders Says Despotism May Be Fair Trade-off for Free Health Care [semi-satire]

    10/24/2015 8:33:03 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    The discovery of a 1985 video in which Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) praised the progressive policies of Cuban dictator Fidel Castro failed to dent the candidate for the Democratic presidential nominations enthusiasm for socialism. The right wing in this country likes to emphasize the bad side of the Castro regimethe suppression of dissent, the imprisonment and execution of counterrevolutionariesbut they totally ignore the benefits it provided for the common people. Chief among these benefits, according to Sanders, is universal free health care. Unlike the complex and discriminatory system we have here in the United States, the Cuban system gives the...
  • Clinton Blames Stevens for Own Death [semi-satire]

    10/23/2015 3:29:35 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 28 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    In testimony before the House Committee on Benghazi former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton laid the blame for the Benghazi debacle squarely on slain Ambassador Christopher Stevens. "He was the person on-the-ground in Libya, I was thousands of miles away," she pointed out. "He should have taken better care of his own safety." Clinton brushed off evidence of several emails from Stevens expressing concerns about inadequate security for diplomatic personnel in Libya, alleging that "I never saw any of those 600 emails" and that "Ambassador Stevens didn't even have my private email address, which, I think, shows a lack of...
  • Obama Rebuffs FBI over Clinton Emails [semi-satire]

    10/20/2015 10:03:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obamas dismissal of security concerns about former Secretary of State Hillary Clintons unsecured personal email has rankled the FBI. For the President to flatly say that these unsecured emails posed no security problem is a judgment rendered in the absence of facts, complained an FBI official requesting anonymity. Clearly, the matter merits an investigation as to whether any damage might have been done. Irked that an agency under the Executive branch would contradict him, Obama reminded everyone that I am the nations chief enforcer of the law. If I dont think there is anything to prosecute on an issue...
  • New DOJ Unit to Focus on Eradicating �Anti-Government Views� [semi-satire]

    10/19/2015 8:25:45 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    This week the US Department of Justice announced the formation of a new enforcement unit to combat domestic terrorism. According to Assistant Attorney General John Carlin, the focus of this new agency will be the eradication of anti-government views, racism, bigotry and anarchy, and other despicable beliefs. While the media has been sensationalizing the so-called threat from Islamic terrorists, it is the Administrations view that domestic right-wing political groups pose a much more insidious danger, Carlin contended. With the publics attention diverted to distant shores, home-grown opponents of our government have been free to work on their evil plans undisturbed....
  • Germany Struggles to Make Immigrants Feel Welcome [semi-satire]

    10/18/2015 10:21:44 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    Germany is taking some extraordinary steps to try to accommodate an estimated 1.5 million Muslim immigrants that will enter the country this year. In a number of locations German students have been assigned to perform domestic choresincluding doing laundry, preparing meals and cleaning up after the immigrants. These tasks have been made more arduous and risky by the obnoxious behavior of some of the beneficiaries, which includes throwing their trash out the windows of the apartments provided for them and raping the females entering the premises to clean. Inhabitants of small towns being inundated by swarms of migrants have been...
  • US State Dept Slams Israel�s Disproportionate Response to Palestinian Attacks [semi-satire]

    10/17/2015 10:00:18 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    Palestinian terrorists have launched a series of knife-wielding assassins upon innocent Israeli citizens. So far eight Jews have been killed and more injured. A few of the assassins have been shot for their efforts. State Department spokesman John Kirby criticized the shootings, calling them disproportionate responses that can only escalate the terror. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) called Kirbys remarks idiotic and unacceptable and demanded that Secretary John Kerry disavow Kirbys comments. The fact that some of the intended victims of these ambushes had the foresight to arm themselves ahead of time and were prepared to defend themselves against unprovoked attacks...
  • Dem Candidates Promise New Freedom [semi-satire]

    10/16/2015 9:40:23 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    This week's debate among Democrats vying for their Party's presidential nomination inspired a bidding war as to which of them could promise more "free stuff" to voters. Sen Bernie Sanders (Vt) vowed to eliminate the need for money. "Too many people are barred from having what they want by the fact that they lack the money to purchase it," Sanders lamented. "Billionaires like Donald Trump never have to face such deprivation. Why should poorer Americans be denied the same rights? When I'm president all merchandise will be free." Rival candidate Hillary Clinton averred that "while I agree with Senator Sanders...
  • Candidates Call for More Regulation of Wall Street [semi-satire]

    10/13/2015 9:54:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    In a bid to outflank her socialist rival contender for the Democratic presidential nomination, Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called for more stringent government regulation of big businesses. Under her proposed policy, the federal government would order firms that were too large and too risky to be managed effectively to reorganize, downsize, or break apart. That the federal government, which has not been managed effectively for many decades would possess the necessary expertise to assess the effectiveness of diverse business operations might seem dubious. Nevertheless, Clinton maintained that the government has the right and the...
  • Discovery of Error Sparks Demand for Censorship [semi-satire]

    10/12/2015 10:17:16 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 20 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    An Australian electrical engineer named Dr David Evans discovered a mathematical error in the model used to predict global warming that exaggerated the impact of carbon dioxide 10-fold. Basically, the effects of CO2 on climate are far lower than has been assumed. While most reasonable people would find this reassuring, Philippe Sands QC, an international law specialist and Professor of Law at University College London, did not. Alleging that the publicity given to Dr. Evans finding could seriously undermine efforts to mitigate climate change, Sands argued for the suppression of contradictory evidence and arguments that might thwart action. In theory,...
  • Dems Demand Apology to Planned Parenthood [semi-satire]

    10/11/2015 10:51:25 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    Reps. Chris Van Hollen (D-Md), Rosa DeLauro (D-Conn), and Louise Slaughter (D-NY) issued a letter demanding that House Republicans apologize to Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards for their shameful treatment of her during the committees hearing investigating the organization last week. The letter characterized the questioning of Ms. Richards four hours of pure torture and contended that it is as clear a violation of the Constitutions prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment that we have ever witnessed. The injustice of it all was egregious. Terminating pregnancies is not a crime. Selling recovered tissue is not a crime. Yet, Ms, Richards...
  • Obama to Use Executive Authority to Enact Gun Control [semi-satire]

    10/10/2015 9:58:53 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    Administration insiders are hinting that President Obama has become impatient with Congressional inaction on gun control legislation in the wake of a rash of mass murder shootings and will bypass that body and enact new controls based on his own authority. The gist of his decree is said to require dealers who sell more than 50 guns a year to obtain a license from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives and do extensive background checks on persons who want to purchase weapons from them. Though he declined to specifically acknowledge the rumor, Press Secretary Josh Earnest attempted to...
  • Christian Refugees to Be Deported [semi-satire]

    10/09/2015 4:22:54 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration has decided that Christian refugees from areas occupied by the Islamic State will be deported back to the war zone. Meanwhile, tens of thousands of Muslims fleeing the region will be given transportation to America and allowed to stay. While not denying that these Christians are likely to face great peril, US Secretary of State John Kerry justified the policy, calling it "consistent with the President's vision for the region. The religious composition of both the Middle East and the United States is unbalanced. In the Middle East Christians are in short supply, while in the United...
  • Planned Parenthood Denies Possibility of Abortion Survivors [semi-satire]

    10/05/2015 11:26:02 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    Planned Parenthoods chief executive officer Cecile Richards told Congressional investigators that she had never heard of such a thing as an abortion survivor, calling the concept totally nonsensical. When a woman comes to us to terminate her pregnancy it would be a gross dereliction of duty if we were to permit a fetus to survive the procedure, she said. We take every conceivable precaution to ensure that this doesnt happen. One precaution that Richards touted as fool proof was the harvesting of organs from the fetus. Once the fetus has been dismembered and the organs extracted there is no chance...
  • U.S. to Close Last Uranium Plant [semi-satire]

    10/04/2015 5:00:31 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration has ordered the last remaining uranium processing facility in the United States to be closed. The final day of operations for the American Centrifuge project in Piketon, Ohio was September 30th. Rep. Brad Wenstrup (R-Ohio) was aghast. This is beyond belief, he asserted. While this administration is green-lighting uranium enrichment in Iran and legitimizing 6,000 Iranian centrifuges, theyre shutting down our only domestic production facility here in America. Secretary of State John Kerry belittled Wenstrups concern. There are uranium processing facilities in Russia, France, the United Kingdom, Germany, and Holland, Kerry said. If we need any we...
  • NYC Honors Rosenburgs [semi-satire]

    10/04/2015 10:31:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    The New York City Council took the occasion of the 100th anniversary of the birth of Ethel Rosenburg to honor her and her husband Julius for demonstrating great bravery. The Rosenburgs were executed for treason in 1953 after they were convicted of passing atom bomb secrets to the Soviet Union. Councilman Daniel Dromm (D-Queens) averred that it took a lot of courage for the Rosenburgs to buck the anti-communist hysteria that was sweeping the nation during the post war period. From a parochial perspective, sharing the atom bomb appears traitorous. But from a more ecumenical standpoint it can be seen...
  • Kerry, Power Join Muslim Boycott of Netanyahu's UN Speech [semi-satire]

    10/03/2015 9:08:04 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    U.S. Secretary of State Kerry and the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Samantha Power joined representatives of Muslim nations who walked out on Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's speech. In his speech Netanyahu chastised the UN for its continued silence in the face of Iran's repeated threat to wipe Israel off the map. The Secretary characterized his actions as "simple common sense once you look at the numbers. Israel itself has about six million Jews. Worldwide there are maybe another six million. On the other hand, there are over a billion Muslims. Siding with the larger contingent is both...
  • ACLU Sues Catholic Hospitals [semi-satire]

    10/03/2015 10:51:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    Catholic hospitals refusal to perform birth control services that run counter to the Churchs beliefs came under fire from the American Civil Liberties Union this week as it launched a lawsuit aimed at compelling these institutions to comply with federal policy on this subject. Were taking a stand today to fight for pregnant women who are denied potentially life-saving care because doctors are forced to follow religious directives rather than best medical practices, Brooke Tucker, an ACLU attorney, said. That the Catholic Church considers abortion and sterilization intrinsically evil must not be allowed to grant them an exemption from abiding...
  • Consensus for War with Russia Building [semi-satire]

    10/02/2015 3:03:50 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Oct 2015 | John Semmens
    Russian intervention against opponents of the Assad government in Syria appears to have sparked a rising tide of bipartisan support for US countermeasures. Initially, Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina called for the US to resist the Russian initiative by force if necessary. Determined not to be outflanked, Democratic presidential contender, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton echoed Fiorina by urging President Obama to establish a "no fly zone" over the rebel positions in order "to protect our investment in the anti-Assad rebels." Sen. John McCain (R-Az) reminded everyone that "I'm the only one who has met with these rebels. Though...
  • School District Bans Tag [semi-satire]

    09/29/2015 8:45:10 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    The Mercer Island School District in the State of Washington has barred students from playing the game of tag on school grounds or within eyesight of school personnel. Communications director Macy Grade described the ban as an essential step to ensure the physical and emotional safety of all students. In the game of tag, one child is designated as it until he or she can tag/touch another child and pass along the it status. Grade characterized the game as potentially devastating to childrens self-esteem. First of all, the person who is it is isolated and stigmatized. Second, all the other...
  • Free Stuff Gaffe Said to Doom Bushs Candidacy [semi-satire]

    09/28/2015 9:41:28 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    Republican presidential candidate former Florida Governor Jeb Bush faced a firestorm of criticism from the welfare lobby for asserting that his message of opportunity would win more Black votes than Democrats promises of more free stuff. Democratic presidential race front runner former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton gloated over what she maintained effectively ends his run for the nations top job. Bushs pledge to preserve peoples opportunity to work their way up the ladder offers them nothing they couldnt get on their own. What we offer is something in addition to what people can earn for themselves. Democrats are the...
  • Boehner Resignation Unleashes Cascade of Caterwauling [semi-satire]

    09/27/2015 9:53:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    House Speaker John Boehners (R-Ohio) announcement that he is resigning from Congress effective October 30th was followed by a torrent of tears in Washington. Leading the sob fest, of course, was Boehner himself who lamented that the blood, sweat, and tears Ive shed for this country have gone unappreciated for too long. As if to contradict Boehners lament, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) praised Boehners cooperative approach to getting things done, and expressed the hope that a similarly motivated and compliant successor can be found. A glum Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest called the resignation a serious setback for...
  • [Satire] Afghan Sex Slaves "Internal Matter," Says Administration

    09/25/2015 5:34:29 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    Reports that US military personnel in Afghanistan have been ordered to ignore Afghan troops' "bachi bazi"the ritual kidnapping, imprisonment and rape of child sex slaves was defended by the Obama Administration as "a necessary compromise in the war on terror." "The practice of holding and abusing under-aged boys as sex slaves is an ancient tradition in Afghanistan," US Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter observed. "It is not our place to interfere." The Secretary drew a parallel with this country's alliance with the Soviet Union during World War II. "The Soviet Union was an oppressive tyranny run by a paranoid psychopath,"...
  • Ex-Gov Gets Lifetime Pension for Four Months of Work [semi-satire]

    09/23/2015 11:56:47 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey (D) was awarded a lifetime pension after only four months on the job as an attorney for Hudson County. County spokesman James Kennelly sought to abate outrage from taxpayers and other county employees who must put in years of work to qualify for much smaller pensions. Governor McGreevey brought a unique experience an intense commitment to the job, Kennelly argued. His four months on the job is worth far more than decades put in by any other county employee. So, I dont think there are any grounds for complaints. Although he was unable...
  • Muslim Migrants Demand End to Oktoberfest [semi-satire]

    09/22/2015 4:49:18 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Sep 2015 | John Semmens
    Muslim immigrants living in Germany are petitioning the government for a ban on the annual Oktoberfest. The 16-day festival held in Bavaria is viewed as anti-Muslim since one of its main activities is drinking beer. Were not against the Christians drinking alcohol in private, petitioner Iham Faakhir. But these public displays are an insult to our faith. Faakhir portrayed his petition as an act of restraint. For now we are abiding by the western political practice of peacefully asserting our demand. But the kafirs should not try our patience. Sharia law gives us the right to impose morality by force...