Free Republic 3rd Quarter Fundraising Target: $88,000 Receipts & Pledges to-date: $7,685
8%  
Woo hoo!! And the first 8% is in!! Thank you all very much!!

Articles Posted by John Semmens

Brevity: Headers | « Text »
  • Obama Rebuffs Objections to Cuba Policy [semi-satire]

    07/05/2015 1:35:53 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 July 2015 | John Semmens
    Senator Ted Cruz’s objections that the Administration’s recent moves to recognize the communist regime in Cuba violate US law were rebuffed by President Obama. According to Title 22 of the US Code, the President must determine that Cuba has a democratically elected government in order to consider the restoration of diplomatic relations between our two countries. According to the President, “times have changed and our laws need to change with them. The effort to try to isolate Cuba is a relic of the Cold War that is, in my judgment, no longer pertinent or necessary. Rather than go through the...
  • EPA Mulling Rules against Fireworks, BBQs [semi-satire]

    07/04/2015 10:46:46 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Jul 2015 | John Semmens
    The American tradition of celebrating Independence Day with fireworks and barbeques may be living on borrowed time. The Environmental Protection Agency is working on new regulations that could put a serious dent in the festivities. Strict new standards for ozone could bar most fireworks displays and some backyard BBQs. EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy derided the idea that traditional modes of celebrating July 4th merited any special consideration. "Clean air is too important to play second-fiddle to abuses that result in needless pollution," McCarthy contended. "Given our modern technology there are surely more environmentally-friendly ways of celebrating this annual event." The...
  • Oregon Cancels Free Speech Rights of Christian Bakers [semi-satire]

    07/04/2015 12:55:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 Jul 2015 | John Semmens
    Oregon Labor Commissioner Brad Avakian finalized his order requiring Aaron and Melissa Klein, bakers who refused to make a cake for a same-sex wedding, to pay $135,000 in emotional damages to the couple they denied service. When the Kleins attempted to defend their religious objections in a radio interview, Avakian issued a "gag order" forbidding them from speaking publicly on the topic. Avakian dismissed the "freedom of speech" claim, insisting that "Oregon's statute outlaws refusals to serve customers based on their sexual orientation. For them to try to continue the argument after I have already ruled against them shows contempt...
  • Judge Blocks Ban on Dismemberment Abortions [semi-satire]

    06/29/2015 9:17:41 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 June 2015 | John Semmens
    In Kansas, Shawnee County District Court Judge Larry Hendricks issued an order blocking that state’s ban on abortions carried out by tearing the baby limb-from-limb while still in the womb. The Judge’s order came in response to a lawsuit filed by the New York-based Center for Reproductive Rights on behalf of Dr. Herbert Hodes and Dr. Traci Nauser—a father-daughter team of abortionists. “To allow this law to go into effect while the matter is being litigated would deprive the plaintiffs of their livelihood,” Hendricks said. “It would inflict irreparable harm and injury to their recognized right to ply their trade.”...
  • Court Rules that Disparate Outcomes Equal Discrimination [semi-satire]

    06/28/2015 11:27:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 June 2015 | John Semmens
    In a 5-4 decision, the US Supreme Court ruled that “victims of discrimination need not prove intent, disparate outcomes alone are evidence of illegal discrimination.” In a case where lending practices of banks were being contested, Justice Anthony Kennedy swept aside any need to show conscious intent to discriminate. “A bank may assert that ability to repay a loan is an objective criterion for making a loan, and so it would seem on the surface. But what if the ability to repay is unequally distributed along racial lines? That would mean that more whites than Blacks would receive loans. That’s...
  • IRS Destroys More Evidence [semi-satire]

    06/27/2015 4:09:06 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 June 2015 | John Semmens
    In what IRS officials are calling a one-in-a-million fluke, the precise emails subpoenaed by Congress in its investigation of IRS discrimination against the President’s political opponents were exactly the ones inadvertently erased by IRS employees. Lost are over 400 back-up tapes containing 24,000 emails to and from Lois Lerner—the IRS employee believed to have orchestrated the discriminatory treatment. Commissioner John Koskinen speculated that “our rather lengthy chain-of-command provided multiple opportunities for miscommunication somewhere along the line. It is not inconceivable that an instruction to ‘not erase’ may have been forwarded as ‘erase.’ The rest is, as we say, history. Nothing...
  • Crazed Gunman Sparks Anti-Confederate Groundswell [semi-satire]

    06/27/2015 9:45:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 27 June 2015 | John Semmens
    While Dylan Roof may have wanted to see his murder of nine members of a South Carolina church Bible studies session inspire a race war, the aftermath has taken a different turn. Photos of Roof holding a Confederate flag have led to calls for the removal of this “odious symbol of oppression” from American life. All over the South, Confederate flags are being taken down from state houses, public parks, and memorials. At the Gettysburg National Historic Park all Confederate symbols have been taken down. Park Director Thomas Jackson asserted that “for too long we’ve accorded the treasonous rabble that...
  • Supreme Court Rewrites Obamacare [semi-satire]

    06/26/2015 10:23:09 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Acknowledging that the original Affordable Care Act "was so poorly written as to be utterly infeasible in its implementation," Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts took "the liberty of rewriting it to correct its deficiencies." "If we were to confine ourselves to the plain language of the statute, subsidies would be available to only those states that established their own health care exchanges," Roberts wrote. "In hindsight, relying upon the statutory text would doom the plan because only a minority of states established the required exchanges. Rather than allow Congress' inability to accurately forecast state behavior to undermine this signature...
  • Leading Dems OK with Clinton Foundation Influence Peddling [semi-satire]

    06/23/2015 9:42:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Despite former Clinton administration official Robert Reich’s reservations about “the apparent impropriety of a husband of a potential future president accepting money from foreign governments and big corporations for ‘speeches’ that hardly seem worth listening to, much less paying for,” key Democrats think its okay. “Bringing money into America from a foreign government boosts our economy,” said Rep. Stephen Lynch (D-Mass). “If it’s trying to buy a policy that Hillary was going to follow anyway, well, that’s just ‘found money.’ And if it’s for a policy that Hillary doesn’t like, well, she can always welsh on the deal.” “People have...
  • Rise in Sexual Harassment Cases at State Department [semi-satire]

    06/22/2015 9:04:26 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2015 | John Semmens
    In 2014, under the leadership of John Kerry, 248 sexual harassment cases were filed at the US Department of State. This is considerably higher than the 88 cases filed in 2011 under the leadership of Hillary Clinton. Kerry attributed the bulge in complaints to “employees’ misunderstanding of new training protocols I’ve introduced. It is not a scandal.” According to the Secretary, the new protocols “involve intentionally stressful interactions carried out under my orders. If you’re going to work for the Department you must learn skills of diplomacy. Being diplomatic in circumstances where everyone behaves politely and appropriately is no challenge....
  • Study Shows Belgian Patients Euthanized without their Consent [semi-satire]

    06/21/2015 1:04:58 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Belgium passed its Euthanasia Act in 2002. A study published in this month’s Journal of Medical Ethics by Raphael Cohen-Almagor revealed that despite the law’s requirement that patients voluntarily give their consent to the procedure, many are euthanized without giving consent. The decision to euthanize was not discussed with the patient in nearly 80% of the cases of patients over 80 years old. Dr. Pierre Tueur estimated that “I have probably performed more than 300 of these procedures on patients incapable of giving informed consent. In cases where the patient is unconscious, demented, or unreasonably frightened of death, I feel...
  • Release of Illegal Alien Criminals Called "Humanitarian" [semi-satire]

    06/20/2015 3:08:00 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration’s release of illegal immigrants who went on to commit more than 100 murders was defended on “humanitarian” grounds by ICE Director Sarah Saldana. “These individuals all faced prison in their home countries,” Saldana said. “These foreign prisons are not like our prisons. There’s no exercise equipment and no satellite TV. Sanitation and hygiene are of the lowest sort imaginable. Sending these people to those Hellholes would have been inhumane.” The inhumanity of the murders subsequently committed against Americans by the release of these foreign criminals was labeled “a tolerable risk” by the ICE Director. “Compared to the...
  • Trump Enters Presidential Race [semi-satire]

    06/20/2015 9:51:49 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 25 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 20 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Real estate baron and reality TV star Donald Trump threw his hat into the ring in the race for the 2016 GOP presidential nomination this week. In his announcement in front of a crowd—many of whom were paid $50 apiece to cheer him on—Trump pledged to secure government entitlements. “With the other Republicans in the race, you never know whether they might end up cutting or privatizing Social Security, Medicare, or Medicaid,” Trump alleged. “Right here and right now I’m promising that these programs will be fully funded for as long as there is money to pay for them.” Trump...
  • Disgraced NBC Anchorman Moves to MSNBC [semi-satire]

    06/19/2015 3:53:30 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Dismissed from his post at NBC's Nightly News for making up stories, Brian Williams has been reassigned to the company's floundering cable channel where he has vowed "to reclaim my reputation, one viewer at a time." Whether Williams will be able to accomplish was thrown into doubt by his stubborn insistence that his on-the-air fabrications "weren't intended to mislead people." "Fiction isn't inherently untrue," Williams observed. "Many novels and movies portray deeper truths via fictional characters and events. We don't deride Mark Twain or Steven Spielberg for making up stuff. While I don't claim to be as good at it...
  • Police Shut Down Kids’ Lemonade Stand [semi-satire]

    06/16/2015 3:28:10 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Police in Overton, Texas ordered two sisters, Zoey (aged 7) and Andria Green (aged 8) to “cease and desist” selling lemonade in their efforts to raise money to buy a Father’s Day gift for their dad. “Selling anything in Texas without a permit is illegal,” explained rousting officer Doug Stamper. “It doesn’t matter that neighborhood lemonade stands have been a time-honored way for kids to make a buck. Under the law, they need to buy a permit if they want to sell lemonade.” The cost of the required permit is $150. Few kids would have the funds to afford it....
  • Pennsylvania Teachers Attend Mosque [semi-satire]

    06/15/2015 10:24:05 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 June 2015 | John Semmens
    About 50 teachers and administrators of the Lebanon School District in Pennsylvania got paid time off to attend Islamic religious training. Teacher Lara Book called the day “amazing. Even though the rituals are different what came through loud and clear is that all religions want the same thing.” While the ACLU is normally “johnny-on-the-spot” to protest any show of religion in a public space, especially one where taxpayer resources may be unconstitutionally used to promulgate a faith, spokesman Betram Petty found no problem with this event. “The whole separation of church and state thing is a western way of thinking,”...
  • Boeing Innovation Increases Fliers’ Toilet Access [semi-satire]

    06/14/2015 6:14:20 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Concerned that the space allotted for on-board toilet facilities reduces the number of seats for passengers, the Boeing Corporation is converting all passenger seats on its 777-300ER into “potty chairs.” “Every additional passenger a plane can carry adds badly needed revenue to the airline’s bottom line,” said Boeing’s public relations specialist Anita Crapper. “We thought, if there were a way to convert the space set aside for restrooms into passenger seating it would permit airlines to earn thousands more per flight. By making every seat a ‘potty chair’ airlines can achieve that objective.” Ms. Crapper lauded this innovation as “far...
  • Congressman Introduces Automatic Voter Bill [semi-satire]

    06/14/2015 11:38:43 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Rep. David Cicilline (D-RI) has drafted legislation that he says “will greatly simplify the whole voting process in this country. Right now we have what is basically an ‘opt-in’ system. Those who want to vote have to take the initiative to register and make a periodic effort to cast a ballot. There is no question this reduces the number of ballots cast and lessens participation in our democratic process.” Under Cicilline’s bill, every voter would be automatically registered to vote on his or her 18th birthday. A notice would be sent supplying each newly registered voter with a postage-paid reply...
  • Homeland Security Searching for Leaker [semi-satire]

    06/13/2015 3:14:02 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Last week’s news that the TSA failed to detect 95% of the weapons smuggled onto airlines in its security test has focused the Department on ways to tighten up security. Readers will be forgiven for mistakenly assuming that the tightening efforts will be on ways to interdict more smuggled weapons. In fact, the main concern, as Secretary Jeh Johnson sees it, “is finding the person who leaked these confidential test results to the media.” “The sad truth is that there is no way we can intercept more than a tiny fraction of actions hostile toward our air transportation system,” Johnson...
  • HUD Eager to Put More Public Housing into Suburban Neighborhoods [semi-satire]

    06/13/2015 11:15:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 June 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration’s Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) is working on new regulations that would tie federal aid to the placement of low-income public housing within white suburbs. HUD Secretary Julian Castro explained that “ensuring diversity in every community is a key goal of this Administration. People on welfare shouldn’t be denied the right to live in nice communities just because there is no affordable housing available. Likewise, racists shouldn’t be allowed to insulate themselves from having neighbors of color merely by moving into areas with expensive housing.” A possible fringe benefit for whites under this initiative, according...
  • Angry Obama Vows Vengeance against Trade Bill Opponents [semi-satire]

    06/12/2015 7:14:02 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Alternating between tears and venom, a stunned President Obama ranted against members of his own Party, calling them "faithless turncoats" and alleging that "they are destroying my credibility with foreign nations," after the House of Representatives voted 302 to 126 against the Trade Adjustment Assistance Act--a provision deemed crucial to the fate of his "fast track" trade legislation. The vote came after a rare personal appearance of President Obama to lobby for the legislation. Erstwhile political ally, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), led Democratic opposition to the President's wishes. She remained unfazed by the President's threat "to make life...
  • President Gives TSA “Vote of Confidence” [semi-satire]

    06/09/2015 10:21:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Recent field tests indicating that the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) failed to detect smuggled weapons 96% of the time did not deter President Obama from expressing his “continued confidence in the job they are doing protecting our aviation network.” Press Secretary Josh Earnest contrasted the dismal test results with “the absence of any recent real world attacks,” saying that “I’d put more weight on what hasn’t happened than on what might’ve happened. Some are saying that we’ve just been lucky that no terrorists have tried to hijack an airline. But as baseball great Dizzy Dean once said ‘maybe it’s better...
  • New AG Seeks to Federalize All Elections [semi-satire]

    06/08/2015 3:12:42 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Contending that “it is shameful that we allow each state to determine its own qualifications for voters,” Attorney General Loretta Lynch has proposed new rules that would concentrate all authority over elections under the jurisdiction of her US Department of Justice. “I know that the Constitution gave states the right to run their own elections, but it also gave Congress the right to alter state regulations if it so chooses,” Lynch pointed out. Lynch said she is “especially aggrieved that states get to determine who is and isn’t mentally competent to cast a ballot. By what right does any state...
  • New Candidate for President Vows to Complete Metric Conversion [semi-satire]

    06/08/2015 10:22:25 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 June 2015 | John Semmens
    This week, former Rhode Island Senator and Governor Lincoln Chafee announced he is seeking the Democratic nomination for president in the 2016 election. A key factor in his decision to enter the race is “to bring the much-needed conversion of weights and measurements in this country into line with the metric system.” “The United States is seriously out of step with the rest of the world,” Chafee contended. “When everyone else is using meters and liters it is sheer arrogance for us to be using yards and gallons. It’s like we saying ‘we’re too good to lower ourselves to your...
  • Congresswoman Touts Mandatory Gun Insurance [semi-satire]

    06/07/2015 11:26:41 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Rep. Carolyn Maloney (D-NY) has introduced the Firearm Risk Protection Act—a bill she says will “make gun violence prohibitively expensive.” The gist of Maloney’s legislation is to require that every gun owner purchase liability insurance covering any injuries or fatalities resulting from the use of their weapons. “My bill would boost the cost of owning a gun by thousands of dollars a year,” the Congresswoman boasted. “This should price firearms out of reach for most people. No longer would owning a gun be a one-time purchase. There’d be continuing annual fees to be paid. The number of persons owning guns...
  • Carter Slams White Feelings of Superiority [semi-satire]

    06/06/2015 6:39:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Former President Jimmy Carter denounced white feelings of superiority as "racist residue" during an interview with the American Association of Retired Persons.(AARP). "Whites who use statistics indicating that Blacks are disproportionately involved in crime or on welfare are making judgments that neglect to consider valid cultural differences," the former President said. "The notion that earning a living is more respectable than subsisting on government benefits is pure prejudice. Logically, accepting welfare rather than submitting to wage-slavery makes perfect sense. Failure to credit Blacks who have made this logical decision reflects poorly on whites." "As for the higher Black participation in...
  • Senator Wants RICO Prosecution of "Climate Change Deniers" [semi-satire]

    06/05/2015 5:32:39 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Arguing that "the threat of global climate change is the greatest crisis we have ever faced," Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-Conn) has called for the Department of Justice (DOJ) to employ the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act against those who dispute the threat. "Can we really afford to engage in debate when the world is literally melting right before our eyes?" Whitehouse wanted to know. "Those who try to insert feigned skepticism as a barrier to action are worse than jihadi terrorists. They are shills for the corrupt industries that profiteer off Americans' selfish addictions to comfort and mobility....
  • Ferguson Rioters Demand Backpay [semi-satire]

    06/02/2015 12:13:15 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Hundreds of individuals who came from across the country to participate in the riots in Ferguson, Missouri after a police officer shot cigar thief Michael Brown during a physical altercation, are complaining that they are owed backpay by Missourians Organizing for Reform and Empowerment (MORE). “We were promised $5,000 a person per month for keeping that town in the news,” complained Ward Burns, one of 500 protesters bussed in from Boston, Chicago, Columbus, Detroit, Houston, Los Angeles, Nashville, Portland, Tucson, Washington, D.C., Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and other cities. “We need to get paid.” MORE is funded by left-wing billionaire George...
  • Documents Reveal State Dept Aided Rise of ISIS [semi-satire]

    06/01/2015 8:33:03 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 May 2015 | John Semmens
    The latest batch of declassified emails from former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s private server indicate that weapons used by ISIS to conquer half of Syria and Iraq were covertly supplied by the US. It appears that Ambassador Christopher Stevens was intimately involved in smuggling armaments from captured Libyan stockpiles to anti-Assad forces in Syria. Current Secretary of State John Kerry defended the arms transfers as “based on the best intelligence we had at the time. We knew Assad was a brutal dictator who needed to be deposed. We thought relying on anti-government elements in Syria could do the job...
  • IRS Defiant on Data Breach [semi-satire]

    05/31/2015 9:43:02 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 May 2015 | John Semmens
    This week’s revelation that hackers stole the identities of 100,000 taxpayers from the IRS was characterized as “small potatoes” by Commissioner John Koskinen. “There are over 120 million individuals who pay federal income taxes. The 100,000 who will be victimized by this data breach represent less than one-tenth of one-percent of the total.” Koskinen went on to boast that “we stop nearly 50% of the breaches we know about before any individual’s information can be used to defraud the government”–an effectiveness ratio that he contended “far outshines your typical performance for any other federal agency.” The Commissioner lamented that “while...
  • Court Strikes Down Idaho Abortion Limitation [semi-satire]

    05/30/2015 10:41:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 May 2015 | John Semmens
    An Idaho statute banning abortions after the fetus reaches 20 weeks of age was struck down by the US 9th Circuit Court of Appeals as “an undue burden on a parent’s ability to get an abortion.” “The assertion that 20 weeks is the age at which the fetus is capable of feeling pain cannot be permitted to outweigh the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade decision that a woman’s access to abortion is a fundamental right that cannot be abridged by state action,” wrote Judge Harry Pregerson for the three-judge panel hearing the case. “First of all, a fetus is not...
  • More than 20% of Americans Receive Welfare [semi-satire]

    05/30/2015 1:32:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 May 2015 | John Semmens
    According to the latest Census Bureau data, 21.3% of those living in America are receiving welfare benefits. This includes more than 41% of Blacks, more than 36% of Hispanics, more than 17% of Asians and more than 13% of whites. Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell called it "a good start on the President's transformative agenda. Ideally, all output would be put into a common pot and doled out to individuals and families based on need. The notion that a person should be self-supporting is archaic. In another generation it will be completely replaced by an appreciation for the...
  • Kerry Calls for Stricter Government Regulation of Internet [semi-satire]

    05/26/2015 10:58:45 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    In a speech in South Korea US Secretary of State John Kerry called for government to play a bigger role in what goes on the Internet. Kerry advised that “we take a lesson from what’s going on in North Korea. Sure, there are a lot of things wrong with the way Kim is governing his country, but that doesn’t mean everything he’s doing is a mistake.” “A key positive in Kim’s policies is the government’s larger role in filtering what the citizens of North Korea can see and hear from the Internet,” the Secretary maintained. “Antisocial content that could undermine...
  • Pay Hike Needed to Boost Congress’ Morale [semi-satire]

    05/25/2015 10:35:57 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Several Democrats, including Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (Md), made the case for higher compensation this week citing “the low morale among those of us in the legislature who can only salivate at the sums being hauled in by ex-presidents and others for trifling amounts of work. As members of a body of 435 we won’t have the same name recognition. We won’t be invited to pontificate on sundry topics for piles of cash.” Rep. Alcee Hastings (D-Fla) seconded Hoyer’s remarks saying “we need to get a bigger piece of the pie now! We pass laws doling out billions to important...
  • Candidate Says “Everything Will Be Free When I’m President” [semi-satire]

    05/24/2015 6:34:46 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Self-described socialist and candidate for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders promised voters that “everything will be free when I’m president.” “In a country as rich as ours it is shameful that mere lack of money should block anyone from having all the good things of life,” Sanders said. “No one should be stigmatized by having to grovel to qualify for food stamps or be denied entry into college because they can’t afford it or don’t have good high school grades. Anyone who wants to eat should simply be permitted to take food from a grocery store...
  • Bush Defends Warrantless Government Surveillance [semi-satire]

    05/23/2015 1:09:18 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    While one GOP presidential candidate filibustered legislation extending the National Security Agency’s (NSA) authority to spy on Americans, another alleges that “there’s not a shred of evidence that this surveillance has violated anyone’s civil liberties.” GOP presidential candidate Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) spoke for 10 hours on the floor of the Senate contending that NSA’s warrantless violations of privacy are unconstitutional. “The Fourth Amendment was intended to protect us from unreasonable searches,” Rand argued. “It calls for government to obtain a warrant from a judge based on ‘probable cause.’ The gathering of massive amounts of private information without such warrants...
  • Failure to Disclose $26 Million in Bribes an "Oversight" Says CEO [semi-satire]

    05/23/2015 9:26:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Recent revelations that the Clinton Foundation neglected to report over $26 million in payments from major corporations, universities, foreign sources and other groups was characterized as "a mere oversight" by Foundation Chief Executive Officer Donna Shalala. "The Foundation has raised more than $2 billion dollars over the years its been in existence," Shalala pointed out. "The $26 million everyone is hyperventilating over is relative pocket change amounting to barely 1% of the total. It's on a par with a Congressman failing to report a free vacation from a lobbyist or a waiter forgetting to report all his tip income to...
  • Hillary Defends Benghazi Lies [semi-satire]

    05/23/2015 1:01:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Evidence that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was informed that the assault on the Benghazi Consulate and murder of Ambassador Stevens was a planned terrorist attack before she went public with the misleading cover story of a video protest gone bad failed to dislodge her from defending it. "Sure, we knew within hours of the Ambassador's death that the attack had been planned at least 10 days in advance, but for us to have publicly acknowledged this would have put the country into even greater danger," Clinton maintained. "Remember, this attack occurred just two months ahead of a presidential...
  • Bush Would Use Obama Immigration Order to Extort Legislation from Congress [semi-satire]

    05/20/2015 10:21:01 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Potential candidate for president and former Governor of Florida JEB Bush told FOX News’ Megyn Kelly that “unlike some other GOP presidential contenders, I would not move to immediately undo President Obama’s executive action granting special privileges to illegal immigrants. Instead, I would refuse to revoke it until Congress passed appropriate enabling legislation. In any case, the American voter can count on me to see that legalizing those in this country illegally will go forward with or without legislation.” Bush acknowledged the shaky legality of Obama’s executive action, but averred that “doing the right thing is more important than confining...
  • Senator Says NFL Priorities “Screwed Up” [semi-satire]

    05/19/2015 10:36:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 May 2015 | John Semmens
    The announcement that the New England Patriots and Quarterback Tom Brady would be penalized for cheating drove Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) into a frenzy. “I find it stunning that the NFL cares more about how much air is in a football than it cares about a racist franchise name,” Reid raved. “No one need have known about the under-inflated balls. Covertly tipping the scales is simply business-as-usual. By going public with this scandal the NFL has ‘shot itself in the foot,’ and to what end?” “The much more serious offense is the refusal of the Washington team to...
  • Obama Calls for Change in How the Media Reports [semi-satire]

    05/18/2015 9:36:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Citing the “especially grievous slant that FOX gives to the news,” President Obama called for “better policing of the public airways to prevent this intellectual pollution.” “When I see how FOX is constantly undermining what I am trying to do for America by pointing out every flaw and defect of my policies I feel sorry for America,” the President said. “How can our people be joyful if their TVs are parading so-called failures in front of them in their own living rooms?” “The abuse of freedom of the press and freedom of speech for the purpose of destroying faith in...
  • Dean Claims Jesus More Leftist than Democratic Party [semi-satire]

    05/17/2015 10:01:23 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2015 | John Semmens
    This week, former Vermont Governor Howard Dean claimed that “Jesus was more to the left than the Democratic Party. Look, Jesus threw the money changers out of the temple. We Democrats are content to merely tax and regulate them.” “If you listen closely to Jesus’ words about rendering unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, it seems clear that all the money properly belongs to the government,” Dean maintained. “Democrats haven’t gone that far. We still permit people to keep some of the money they earn.” “You know, Jesus didn’t work a steady job,” Dean observed. “While he was traipsing about the...
  • Global Warming Activists Demand Media Stop Calling Unbelievers “Skeptics” [semi-satire]

    05/16/2015 9:50:23 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2015 | John Semmens
    The Citizen Engagement Laboratory (CEL) wants news outlets to stop using the term “skeptics” for those who question the global climate change meme. Instead, those who fail to adhere to the accepted view are to be universally referred to as “deniers.” CEL Director Ronald Deibert complained that “using the word ‘skeptic’ makes opposition to our theory of global climate change sound reasonable. It implies that their assertion that evidence is needed to prove that mankind is the source of climate change deserves a hearing. It implies that the science of global warming is not settled, that differing interpretations of the...
  • Feds Warn Lenders Not to Deny Loans to Welfare Recipients [semi-satire]

    05/15/2015 6:45:33 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2015 | John Semmens
    The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB) warned financial institutions that they could be prosecuted if they deny home loans to persons subsisting on welfare benefits. CFPB Director Richard Cordray asserted that "placing ability to repay ahead of need is contrary to federal regulations. Just because a person cannot support himself or herself doesn't mean he or she should be excluded from the benefits of home ownership. Every person has an inalienable right to own a home. Lenders have a moral obligation to help people achieve this right." "For banks to argue that the risks of default and foreclosure should preclude...
  • ACLU Calls Surveillance of Baltimore Riots an “Invasion of Privacy” [semi-satire]

    05/12/2015 10:20:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Srmi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 May 2015 | John Semmens
    The American Civil Liberties Union demanded an end to the use of government drone aircraft to “spy” on those looting and burning buildings in Baltimore. “Persons walking the streets should not be faced with such an intrusive violation of their privacy,” declared ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty. “Officials need to present a ‘probable cause’ case to observe a specific individual suspected of a specific crime. They have no authority for a general surveillance of an entire city.” Petty also questioned whether the looting and burning would even qualify as crimes, per se. “The title to the property being removed from the...
  • White House Against GOP Attempts to Restrict How Iran Spends Released Funds [semi-satire]

    05/11/2015 2:56:44 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-New/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 May 2015 | John Semmens
    A component of the forthcoming agreement between the US and Iran on nuclear weapons development is the US release of Iranian funds that have been frozen in US banks. GOP critics of the agreement fear that these funds will be used to aid terrorist attacks in the Middle East and elsewhere. Press Secretary Josh Earnest mocked these fears as “paranoid delusions. It would make no sense for the Iranians to besmirch the rapport our two countries have worked so hard to achieve by ‘stabbing us in the back’ with such a duplicitous response to our generosity.” Earnest cited “the historic...
  • Educational Standards Demanding Hard Work Called Discriminatory[semi-satire]

    05/10/2015 10:27:13 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 May 2015 | John Semmens
    California’s Pacific Educational Group (PEG) denounced educational standards that require students to study and work hard in order to graduate as “discrimination against Black students.” PEG co-chair Kenneth K. Knowlton asserted that “Blacks are less likely to respond to fundamental ideas like working hard to achieve success, or being on time for school or work. The notion that such attitudes ought to be instilled in every student is a racist endeavor that seeks to submerge this vital subculture.” “What’s more, the contention that hard work is a key to success is belied by reality,” Knowlton maintained. “A significant segment of...
  • State Department Declines to Pursue Influence Peddling Allegations [semi-satire]

    05/09/2015 11:06:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Suspicion that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton may have been involved in questionable financial transactions between foreign governments and the Clinton Foundation was brushed aside as a "matter of no interest" by Department spokesman Jeff Rathke. "Secretary Clinton has assured us that there were no improprieties," Rathke said. "We 'd have to have some concrete proof before we 'd undertake any moves that could impugn her integrity. Now that her private server has been erased it doesn't look like there could ever be any concrete proof." "Personally, I find it hard to believe that a woman who has dedicated...
  • Black Panther Leaders Say More White People Need to Get Hurt [semi-satire]

    05/09/2015 1:02:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 20 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Spokesmen for the New Black Panther Party called for actions designed to "put the hurt on white people" as a means for "addressing centuries of oppression of Black folks." Former national chairman of the New Black Panther Party and current national president of Black Lawyers for Justice, Malik Zulu Shabazz, urged Baltimore rioters to "strike back in self-defense against the police. The Mayor invited the victims of oppression to take revenge and reparations against the society that has harmed them. Those who stand in the way have no one to blame but themselves if they get hurt." New Black Panther...
  • President Censors Film Coverage of Outing [semi-satire]

    05/05/2015 12:47:43 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 May 2015 | John Semmens
    President Barack Obama’s surprise visit to the Teaism Cafe near the White House inspired Time Magazine reporter Zeke Miller to video tape the event. However, the president didn’t want to be taped and ordered Miller to put away his camera. Miller meekly complied. Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained that “certainly, as the most powerful man on the planet, President Obama has the right to decide which of his activities will or won’t be recorded. He is under no obligation to permit random observations and disclosures of his activities if it doesn’t please him to do so.” A disappointed Miller rued...