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Articles Posted by John Semmens

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  • Pay Hike Needed to Boost Congress’ Morale [semi-satire]

    05/25/2015 10:35:57 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Several Democrats, including Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (Md), made the case for higher compensation this week citing “the low morale among those of us in the legislature who can only salivate at the sums being hauled in by ex-presidents and others for trifling amounts of work. As members of a body of 435 we won’t have the same name recognition. We won’t be invited to pontificate on sundry topics for piles of cash.” Rep. Alcee Hastings (D-Fla) seconded Hoyer’s remarks saying “we need to get a bigger piece of the pie now! We pass laws doling out billions to important...
  • Candidate Says “Everything Will Be Free When I’m President” [semi-satire]

    05/24/2015 6:34:46 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Self-described socialist and candidate for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders promised voters that “everything will be free when I’m president.” “In a country as rich as ours it is shameful that mere lack of money should block anyone from having all the good things of life,” Sanders said. “No one should be stigmatized by having to grovel to qualify for food stamps or be denied entry into college because they can’t afford it or don’t have good high school grades. Anyone who wants to eat should simply be permitted to take food from a grocery store...
  • Bush Defends Warrantless Government Surveillance [semi-satire]

    05/23/2015 1:09:18 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    While one GOP presidential candidate filibustered legislation extending the National Security Agency’s (NSA) authority to spy on Americans, another alleges that “there’s not a shred of evidence that this surveillance has violated anyone’s civil liberties.” GOP presidential candidate Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) spoke for 10 hours on the floor of the Senate contending that NSA’s warrantless violations of privacy are unconstitutional. “The Fourth Amendment was intended to protect us from unreasonable searches,” Rand argued. “It calls for government to obtain a warrant from a judge based on ‘probable cause.’ The gathering of massive amounts of private information without such warrants...
  • Failure to Disclose $26 Million in Bribes an "Oversight" Says CEO [semi-satire]

    05/23/2015 9:26:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Recent revelations that the Clinton Foundation neglected to report over $26 million in payments from major corporations, universities, foreign sources and other groups was characterized as "a mere oversight" by Foundation Chief Executive Officer Donna Shalala. "The Foundation has raised more than $2 billion dollars over the years its been in existence," Shalala pointed out. "The $26 million everyone is hyperventilating over is relative pocket change amounting to barely 1% of the total. It's on a par with a Congressman failing to report a free vacation from a lobbyist or a waiter forgetting to report all his tip income to...
  • Hillary Defends Benghazi Lies [semi-satire]

    05/23/2015 1:01:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Evidence that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was informed that the assault on the Benghazi Consulate and murder of Ambassador Stevens was a planned terrorist attack before she went public with the misleading cover story of a video protest gone bad failed to dislodge her from defending it. "Sure, we knew within hours of the Ambassador's death that the attack had been planned at least 10 days in advance, but for us to have publicly acknowledged this would have put the country into even greater danger," Clinton maintained. "Remember, this attack occurred just two months ahead of a presidential...
  • Bush Would Use Obama Immigration Order to Extort Legislation from Congress [semi-satire]

    05/20/2015 10:21:01 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Potential candidate for president and former Governor of Florida JEB Bush told FOX News’ Megyn Kelly that “unlike some other GOP presidential contenders, I would not move to immediately undo President Obama’s executive action granting special privileges to illegal immigrants. Instead, I would refuse to revoke it until Congress passed appropriate enabling legislation. In any case, the American voter can count on me to see that legalizing those in this country illegally will go forward with or without legislation.” Bush acknowledged the shaky legality of Obama’s executive action, but averred that “doing the right thing is more important than confining...
  • Senator Says NFL Priorities “Screwed Up” [semi-satire]

    05/19/2015 10:36:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 May 2015 | John Semmens
    The announcement that the New England Patriots and Quarterback Tom Brady would be penalized for cheating drove Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) into a frenzy. “I find it stunning that the NFL cares more about how much air is in a football than it cares about a racist franchise name,” Reid raved. “No one need have known about the under-inflated balls. Covertly tipping the scales is simply business-as-usual. By going public with this scandal the NFL has ‘shot itself in the foot,’ and to what end?” “The much more serious offense is the refusal of the Washington team to...
  • Obama Calls for Change in How the Media Reports [semi-satire]

    05/18/2015 9:36:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Citing the “especially grievous slant that FOX gives to the news,” President Obama called for “better policing of the public airways to prevent this intellectual pollution.” “When I see how FOX is constantly undermining what I am trying to do for America by pointing out every flaw and defect of my policies I feel sorry for America,” the President said. “How can our people be joyful if their TVs are parading so-called failures in front of them in their own living rooms?” “The abuse of freedom of the press and freedom of speech for the purpose of destroying faith in...
  • Dean Claims Jesus More Leftist than Democratic Party [semi-satire]

    05/17/2015 10:01:23 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2015 | John Semmens
    This week, former Vermont Governor Howard Dean claimed that “Jesus was more to the left than the Democratic Party. Look, Jesus threw the money changers out of the temple. We Democrats are content to merely tax and regulate them.” “If you listen closely to Jesus’ words about rendering unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, it seems clear that all the money properly belongs to the government,” Dean maintained. “Democrats haven’t gone that far. We still permit people to keep some of the money they earn.” “You know, Jesus didn’t work a steady job,” Dean observed. “While he was traipsing about the...
  • Global Warming Activists Demand Media Stop Calling Unbelievers “Skeptics” [semi-satire]

    05/16/2015 9:50:23 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2015 | John Semmens
    The Citizen Engagement Laboratory (CEL) wants news outlets to stop using the term “skeptics” for those who question the global climate change meme. Instead, those who fail to adhere to the accepted view are to be universally referred to as “deniers.” CEL Director Ronald Deibert complained that “using the word ‘skeptic’ makes opposition to our theory of global climate change sound reasonable. It implies that their assertion that evidence is needed to prove that mankind is the source of climate change deserves a hearing. It implies that the science of global warming is not settled, that differing interpretations of the...
  • Feds Warn Lenders Not to Deny Loans to Welfare Recipients [semi-satire]

    05/15/2015 6:45:33 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2015 | John Semmens
    The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB) warned financial institutions that they could be prosecuted if they deny home loans to persons subsisting on welfare benefits. CFPB Director Richard Cordray asserted that "placing ability to repay ahead of need is contrary to federal regulations. Just because a person cannot support himself or herself doesn't mean he or she should be excluded from the benefits of home ownership. Every person has an inalienable right to own a home. Lenders have a moral obligation to help people achieve this right." "For banks to argue that the risks of default and foreclosure should preclude...
  • ACLU Calls Surveillance of Baltimore Riots an “Invasion of Privacy” [semi-satire]

    05/12/2015 10:20:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Srmi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 May 2015 | John Semmens
    The American Civil Liberties Union demanded an end to the use of government drone aircraft to “spy” on those looting and burning buildings in Baltimore. “Persons walking the streets should not be faced with such an intrusive violation of their privacy,” declared ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty. “Officials need to present a ‘probable cause’ case to observe a specific individual suspected of a specific crime. They have no authority for a general surveillance of an entire city.” Petty also questioned whether the looting and burning would even qualify as crimes, per se. “The title to the property being removed from the...
  • White House Against GOP Attempts to Restrict How Iran Spends Released Funds [semi-satire]

    05/11/2015 2:56:44 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-New/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 May 2015 | John Semmens
    A component of the forthcoming agreement between the US and Iran on nuclear weapons development is the US release of Iranian funds that have been frozen in US banks. GOP critics of the agreement fear that these funds will be used to aid terrorist attacks in the Middle East and elsewhere. Press Secretary Josh Earnest mocked these fears as “paranoid delusions. It would make no sense for the Iranians to besmirch the rapport our two countries have worked so hard to achieve by ‘stabbing us in the back’ with such a duplicitous response to our generosity.” Earnest cited “the historic...
  • Educational Standards Demanding Hard Work Called Discriminatory[semi-satire]

    05/10/2015 10:27:13 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 May 2015 | John Semmens
    California’s Pacific Educational Group (PEG) denounced educational standards that require students to study and work hard in order to graduate as “discrimination against Black students.” PEG co-chair Kenneth K. Knowlton asserted that “Blacks are less likely to respond to fundamental ideas like working hard to achieve success, or being on time for school or work. The notion that such attitudes ought to be instilled in every student is a racist endeavor that seeks to submerge this vital subculture.” “What’s more, the contention that hard work is a key to success is belied by reality,” Knowlton maintained. “A significant segment of...
  • State Department Declines to Pursue Influence Peddling Allegations [semi-satire]

    05/09/2015 11:06:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Suspicion that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton may have been involved in questionable financial transactions between foreign governments and the Clinton Foundation was brushed aside as a "matter of no interest" by Department spokesman Jeff Rathke. "Secretary Clinton has assured us that there were no improprieties," Rathke said. "We 'd have to have some concrete proof before we 'd undertake any moves that could impugn her integrity. Now that her private server has been erased it doesn't look like there could ever be any concrete proof." "Personally, I find it hard to believe that a woman who has dedicated...
  • Black Panther Leaders Say More White People Need to Get Hurt [semi-satire]

    05/09/2015 1:02:42 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 20 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Spokesmen for the New Black Panther Party called for actions designed to "put the hurt on white people" as a means for "addressing centuries of oppression of Black folks." Former national chairman of the New Black Panther Party and current national president of Black Lawyers for Justice, Malik Zulu Shabazz, urged Baltimore rioters to "strike back in self-defense against the police. The Mayor invited the victims of oppression to take revenge and reparations against the society that has harmed them. Those who stand in the way have no one to blame but themselves if they get hurt." New Black Panther...
  • President Censors Film Coverage of Outing [semi-satire]

    05/05/2015 12:47:43 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 May 2015 | John Semmens
    President Barack Obama’s surprise visit to the Teaism Cafe near the White House inspired Time Magazine reporter Zeke Miller to video tape the event. However, the president didn’t want to be taped and ordered Miller to put away his camera. Miller meekly complied. Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained that “certainly, as the most powerful man on the planet, President Obama has the right to decide which of his activities will or won’t be recorded. He is under no obligation to permit random observations and disclosures of his activities if it doesn’t please him to do so.” A disappointed Miller rued...
  • Filmmaker Demands Police Be Disarmed [semi-satire]

    05/04/2015 12:06:25 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Documentary filmmaker Michael Moore issued a statement demanding that police officers in America be barred from carrying firearms and that all imprisoned African Americans be released. Moore says he sees this "as a long term balancing of the scales. For hundreds of years in this country Blacks were enslaved and at the mercy of white overlords. Cosmic justice cries out for a reversal of this tyranny of white over Black. Let's see how the white man fares under racial oppression." The looting of white-owned businesses in Baltimore was characterized by Moore as "long overdue reparations for slavery" and the random...
  • Baltimore Mayor Apologizes for Calling Rioters "Thugs" [semi-satire]

    05/03/2015 3:33:45 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake, whose infamous order to police to "give protestors space to destroy," sheepishly apologized to residents who participated in looting stores, burning buildings, and assaulting passersby for using the term "thugs" to describe their behavior. "My use of the word 'thugs' implied that these people were engaged in criminal acts," she said. "I have since been informed that stealing toilet paper, trashing the businesses of owners who had nothing to do with the death of Mr. Gray, and beating up white people foolish enough to venture into the streets were acts of righteous rage." The Mayor maintained...
  • Hillary Calls for Restoring Faith in Government [semi-satire]

    05/03/2015 10:51:44 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Former Secretary of State and current candidate for president Hillary Clinton bemoaned "the erosion of people's faith in government" and alleged that "it undermines the ability of those of us who are trying to lead." Clinton brushed aside widely perceived impressions that government has done a bad job by pointing out the early history of Christianity's failures. "Jesus' performance compares quite unfavorably with what modern government has been able to deliver," she said. "His people—the Christians—faced centuries of persecution. They were crucified. They were torn apart and devoured by wild animals for the amusement of spectators in the arenas of...
  • Jeb Bush Contends He Is "a Latino Trapped Inside an Anglo Body" [semi-satire]

    05/02/2015 4:57:28 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 33 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2015 | John Semmens
    In a speech in Puerto Rico, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush (R) told the audience that "I am a Latino trapped inside an Anglo body." Bush lamented that "there is no ethnic reassignment protocol like there is gender reassignment therapy for a woman trapped inside a man's body. Nevertheless, I feel as if I am an illegal immigrant and want to do what I can to secure the rights of all my compatriots to enjoy the fruits of US citizenship." if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at... http://www.gopbriefingroom.com/index.php/topic,169629.0.html
  • Justice Suggests Allowing Gay Marriage May Not Go Far Enough SATIRE

    05/02/2015 9:24:31 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Ian Reisner, one of the two gay hoteliers who invited presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz (R-Tex) to speak at a private party, has, after threats from the gay lobby to destroy his business, apologized for his "insensitivity." "I had mistakenly believed that my sexual orientation was not the sum total of who I am," Reisner said. "I had delusions that I could entertain other beliefs about politics that had nothing to do with gay rights. But I have been told that listening to Senator Cruz is akin to listening to Satan. It cannot be permitted. It can only lead me...
  • Kerry Wishes US Had Its Own Ayatollah [semi-satire]

    05/01/2015 10:58:29 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Admitting that he's feeling some frustration over possible Congressional interference with the agreement with Iran that he's been working on for most of this year, Secretary of State John Kerry avowed that "it would be a lot easier if we had our own Ayatollah—someone whose say so was the final word." "It's an uneven playing field," Kerry complained. "Iran's supreme leader can just issue an edict and everyone in the Iranian government has to go along. President Obama doesn't have this luxury. He can issue an edict, but still has to put up with the possibility that Congress will tamper...
  • Cleveland City Council: Gun Control Needed Whether It Works or Not [semi-satire]

    04/29/2015 10:47:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Cleveland City Council President Kevin Kelley (D) urged fellow council members to pass a sweeping gun-control ordinance despite doubts that it would be effective or enforceable. “Will this measure stop gun violence?” Kelley asked. “Probably not, but it is important that we pass it as a reflection of our values.” A key provision of the new ordinance is that it prohibits carrying a concealed deadly weapon or handgun, unless the person is a police officer or a bonafide criminal. Kelley conceded that “this provision might seem paradoxical, but we feel it greatly simplifies and clarifies the situation. If you are...
  • SATIRE

    04/28/2015 9:10:18 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Contending that modern automobiles contain computer programs that entail trade secrets and are too complex to be touched by do-it-yourself car buffs, the General Motors Corporation is urging the government to make unauthorized auto repair illegal. It won’t take an Act of Congress to accomplish this objective. A mere reinterpretation of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) would do the trick. GM spokesman Lee Hunsacker asserted that “letting just anyone look under the hood is archaic in our day and age. What if they mess something up? The victims of any subsequent crashes will sue us. We are the deep-pocket...
  • ACLU Says Catholic Organizations Must Be Compelled to Fund Abortions [semi-satire]

    04/27/2015 9:59:32 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 26 April 2015 | John Semmens
    The American Civil Liberties Union has filed suit demanding that religious organizations be compelled to provide abortions and contraception to illegal immigrants. “Whether to bear a child or not is a woman’s right under our laws,” said ACLU staff attorney Brigitte Amiri. “No religious organization has the authority to infringe on this right. For Catholic aid organizations to refuse to pay for birth control and abortions is an infringement. Forcing a woman to bear an unwanted child is, as President Obama has said, cruel and unusual punishment. It is unconstitutional and cannot be allowed.” “Rules derived from a mythical being...
  • SATIRE

    04/26/2015 9:31:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-New/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 April 2015 | John Semmens
    IRS Commissioner John Koskinen acknowledged that the number of employees assigned to assist taxpayers understand and file tax returns for 2014 was “less than it could’ve been.” Statistics bear out his assessment. It is estimated than less than half of those who phoned the IRS to ask for help actually got through. And of those who did many waited on hold for more than 30 minutes before speaking to an IRS agent. Koskinen defended the shortage of taxpayer help, saying that “we had higher priorities. For one, we had to implement the penalty enforcement phase of the Affordable Care Act....
  • Kerry Blasts Government's Critics for Undermining Prosperity [semi-satire]

    04/25/2015 10:02:00 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Speaking Tuesday at the 45th Annual Washington Conference of the Council of the Americas, Secretary of State John Kerry blamed the Obama Administration's critics for undermining the country's economy. "Countries are far more likely to advance economically and socially when citizens have faith in their governments and are able to rely on them for justice and equal treatment under the law," Kerry maintained. "Yet, day-after-day President Obama faces a raft of criticism of his policies from the likes of Senator Cruz, Governor Walker, and others. These criticisms are destroying people's faith in the government." Kerry cited a recent Pew Research...
  • SATIRE House Speaker Pleads for Hillary to Turn Over Computer Server SATIRE

    04/25/2015 12:54:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    GOP Briefing Room Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 April 2015 | John Semmens
    A new slew of allegations has emerged implying that the Clinton Foundation may have accepted bribes in exchange for Hillary to use her Secretary of State status to influence government policy. An example of possible influence peddling was her support for Russia's acquisition of a major stake in American uranium mining. "It looks like she violated the law, and the idea that she was going to use her own server and do official business on it goes against every transparency issue that the President likes to tout," House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) observed. "She should turn that server and all...
  • Judge Rules Cops May Seize Your Home to Use as a Fort SATIRE

    04/21/2015 8:51:35 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 21 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 April 2015 | John Semmens
    When a neighbor was engaged in a domestic dispute, Henderson, Nevada police demanded that Anthony Mitchell allow them to use his home as a fort and command center in order to gain a tactical advantage in their efforts to cope with the situation. Mitchell refused, but police battered down his door, pepper sprayed him, and put him in jail for the duration. Mitchell sued contending that this home invasion by the police violated his constitutional rights under both the Third and Fourth Amendments to the US Constitution. Federal district court Judge Andrew Gordon dismissed Mitchell’s Fourth Amendment argument, saying that...
  • Administration Remains Undaunted by Obamacare [semi-satire]

    04/20/2015 9:16:44 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 April 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration remained undaunted by yet another court ruling against its attempts to compel religious groups to fund abortion coverage in their health insurance plans. Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito issued an order preventing the Obama Administration from forcing religious groups in Pennsylvania to pay for abortion-causing drugs mandated by the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). The Supreme Court had previously blocked HHS from imposing similar mandates on the Little Sisters of the Poor, Hobby Lobby, Wheaton College, and the University of Notre Dame. That the Administration would repeatedly attempt this type of coercion caused Lori Windham,...
  • Hillary Blames Rich for Ruining America [semi-satire]

    04/19/2015 10:18:36 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 April 2015 | John Semmens
    In her bid to portray herself as the champion of the average American, millionaire presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is lambasting the wealthiest 1% for the impoverishment of the other 99%. It is, she says, “outrageous that the CEO of a major corporation makes 300 times the annual salary of its lowest paid employee.” Clinton’s argument is ironic since her hourly rate for public speaking is 16,000 times the $15 hourly rate that she says ought to be the legal minimum wage. If CEOs are overpaid, former Secretary of State Clinton would appear to be obscenely overpaid. According to Mrs. Clinton,...
  • Bipartisan Plea for Lynch Confirmation [semi-satire]

    04/18/2015 9:14:03 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 April 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama's nominee for Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, received a vote of support from both media star Al Sharpton and former Florida Governor Jeb Bush this week. Her confirmation has been held up by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) in protest over Obama's executive grant of amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants. Sharpton labeled McConnell's actions "racist. Keeping a Black woman from rising up to take her rightful place is a continuation of the hundreds of years of oppression of African Americans in this country. They let a white woman hold this job when Bill Clinton was president. For...
  • President Says ISIS Camp in Mexico Vindicates His Amnesty Policy [semi-satire]

    04/18/2015 1:29:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-New/Semi-Satire ^ | 18 April 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama says that evidence that the Islamic State has opened a training camp in Mexico, just a few miles from El Paso on the Texas border, vindicates his decision to grant expedited amnesty to illegal immigrants from Latin America. "We've all seen the atrocities these terrorists are capable of," the President observed. "Who can blame Mexicans for fleeing? To deny these refugees sanctuary would be inhumane. To deport them would be cruel and unusual punishment. To delay their integration into our society merely on the grounds that Congress has failed to enact the necessary legislation would be barbaric." Obama...
  • White House “Gender Neutral” Restroom “Not Good Enough” [semi-satire]

    04/14/2015 10:01:03 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 April 2015 | John Semmens
    The Obama administration’s efforts to earn gratitude from the gay lobby by adding a “gender neutral” restroom to the White House came up short. Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender spokesperson Irma Crank called the move “not good enough. Every bathroom in every home in America is ‘gender neutral.’ Many businesses already have ‘family restrooms’ that can be used by either gender. The Administration’s attempt to curry favor with such a lame and wishy-washy measure is an insult. Frankly, we expected more from this President.” The “more” expected by Crank “is the right of any person to use any facility—men’s room, ladies room—based on their...
  • Administration Brushes Off Russian Hackers [semi-satire]

    04/13/2015 9:53:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Evidence that Russian computer hackers penetrated security at the White House and State Department was brushed aside by National Security Council spokesman Mark Stroh. “Since the Administration has no hostile designs on Russia we don’t consider their gaining access to confidential correspondence at the State Department or White House a threat to our security,” Stroh maintained. “In a way, this could be a good thing. They will see that we bear them no ill will. That could open up new avenues for better relations between our two countries.” “It would be far more worrisome if our correspondence had been illicitly...
  • President Chastises “Less than Loving” Christians [semi-satire]

    04/12/2015 10:26:50 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 April 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama took the occasion of Easter Sunday to chastise Christians for being “less than loving.” “Over the past few months alone we’ve seen so-called Christians refuse to take photographs and bake cakes for gay weddings,” the President lamented. “This directly contradict’s Jesus’ admonition to ‘judge not lest ye be judged.’” Obama rejected the idea that Christians might have legitimate religious objections to social policies with which they disagree. “Jesus bade his followers to turn the other cheek if they are offended,” he reminded. “Jesus allowed himself to be crucified rather than fight back against those who wronged him. Shouldn’t...
  • Iranian Ayatollah Calls Obama “Lying Devil” [semi-satire]

    04/11/2015 9:07:49 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Ayatollah Khamenei, Iran’s supreme leader, characterized US President Barack Obama’s statements about the agreement negotiated between the two countries as “deceptive” and evidence of “devilish” intentions. “Obama’s assertion that Iran has agreed to ramp down its pursuit of nuclear weapons in exchange for a phasing out of economic sanctions is a lie,” Khamenei said. “What we have agreed to is this. First, all sanctions must be immediately ended. Once this happens we agree to refrain from engaging in any nuclear attacks until, in our judgment, circumstances for a favorable outcome warrant it. Most likely, circumstances won’t be favorable for at...
  • Work Requirement Pares Maine Food Stamp Recipients [semi-satire]

    04/10/2015 7:41:47 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Enforcement of a work requirement by Republican Governor Paul LePage's administration has led to 9,000 former recipients being declared ineligible to receive food stamps. Under the work requirement, able-bodied food stamp recipients were asked to put in 20 hours of work per week or 24 hours of volunteer services per month. State Rep. Scott Hamann (D-South Portland) called the work requirement "inhumane" and compared it to "indentured servitude." "The Governor is taking the state out of the mainstream," Hamann argued. "Other states have sought an exemption from the work requirement, but LePage is charting a course that sends a message...
  • Rising Sales of US Constitution Put Department of Homeland Security on Alert [semi-satire]

    04/07/2015 8:56:26 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 April 2015 | John Semmens
    A surge of book sales that pushed the US Constitution into the top ten best seller list of the Conservative Book Club has caused federal officials to put the Department of Homeland Security on "full alert." "This is just the type of abnormal behavior that should trigger a high state of vigilance," Secretary Jeh Johnson declared. "We expect a few loud-mouthed right-wing politicians to repeatedly harp on whether some action taken by the government is constitutional. But we can't afford to overlook tens of thousands of ordinary citizens reading such seditious literature." "Outside of some historical interest, we can see...
  • IRS Chief Scoffs at Idea Agency Could Be Abolished [semi-satire]

    04/06/2015 11:44:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 April 2015 | John Semmens
    IRS commissioner John Koskinen laughed at the idea that Congress could abolish the IRS. "The Tea Party types may have wet dreams over the prospect of eliminating the IRS, but it's not going to happen," Koskinen gibed. "Too many congressmen on both sides of the aisle want the funds our agency extracts from taxpayers. One of the big attractions to holding office is the ability to dole out money to favored constituents. Hampering the IRS in any way would put a kink in that pipeline." "The main gripe average people have with our agency is the complexity of the tax...
  • Actor Says Clinton Vouches for Accuracy of TV Show SATIRE

    04/05/2015 9:39:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 April 2015 | John Semmens
    Kevin Spacey, star of the critically acclaimed Netflix series "House of Cards," told reporters that former President Bill Clinton confirmed that "99% of what you've shown in the series is essentially true." In the show, Spacey plays Frank Underwood, an ambitious sociopath who manipulates and murders his way to higher office. In the first season he started out as the Democratic Whip in the House of Representatives. By the end of season three he is the President of the United States with a body-count of three on his covert resume. Spacey said that "my good friend Bill boasted that he'd...
  • Judge Orders State to Cut Inmate’s Balls Off [semi-satire]

    04/04/2015 9:57:10 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 April 2015 | John Semmens
    US District Judge Jon Tigar ordered California’s Corrections Department to surgically remove a prisoner’s testicles. The $100,000 surgery would be performed on convicted murderer Jeffrey Bryan Norsworthy—enabling Michelle-Lael Norsworthy to emerge from 51 years of incarceration within the wrong body. The surgery is expected to be the first step in Norsworthy’s eventual release from Mule Creek State Prison in Ione. “For too long this unfortunate woman has been trapped within the body of a monster,” Tigar said. “She was forced to watch helplessly while Jeffrey murdered a person whose name no one can remember. Making Michelle endure the life sentence...
  • Kerry Disputes Comparisons Between Iran Deal and 1938 Munich Agreement [semi-satire]

    04/04/2015 12:18:55 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 19 replies
    Semi-New/Semi-Satire ^ | 4 April 2015 | John Semmens
    US Secretary of State John Kerry bristled under comparisons of the recently announced deal with Iran to 1938's agreement between Britain's Neville Chamberlain and Germany's Adolf Hitler over the Sudetenland. Though Chamberlain proclaimed the agreement as assuring "peace for our time," World War II erupted only a year later. "There are just too many differences to make the comparison apt," Kerry claimed. "Hitler threatened to invade Czechoslovakia if his demands weren't met. Iran isn't threatening to invade anyone. Hitler had already invaded Austria. Iran hasn't invaded anyone. Iranian troops in Iraq are there by invitation to fight against ISIL." "There's...
  • President Says Critics Overreacting to Iran’s “Death to America” Rhetoric [semi-satire]

    04/02/2015 9:25:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    President Obama insists that Iran’s “death to America” rhetoric is nothing to get worked up about. “First of all, it’s just a slogan—like Burger King’s ‘have it your way,'” Obama argued. “It doesn’t really mean anything.” “Second, it’s not all that negative,” the President continued. “In Islam’s theology, death is the gateway to paradise. For the devout Muslim, hastening the entry into paradise is much to be desired. Granted, unbelievers face eternal torment, but that could easily be remedied by submitting to Allah’s will. So, it is only Americans’ refusal to heed Mohammed’s message that casts an unpleasant pall over...
  • Congressman Faces Backlash over Cruz Comments satire

    04/01/2015 9:51:19 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 14 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    After calling newly announced GOP presidential candidate Sen. Ted Cruz a “big mouth” and a “failure,” Rep Peter King (R-NY) was shocked to receive feedback in-kind from Cruz supporters. “People have been phoning my office belittling my accomplishments and asserting that I am all talk,” King complained. “This is disrespectful. No member of Government should have to put up with such abuse.” King rebutted assertions that his inelegant way of expressing his disagreement with Sen. Cruz may have invited equally inelegant retorts. “I am a member of Congress, the Constitution explicitly protects my right to speak on any matter without...
  • Clinton Wipes Server, Cites Right Against Self-Incrimination [semi-satire]

    03/31/2015 9:10:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    In what her backers are calling the “perfect checkmate” move, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has sought to blunt all further inquiries into her activities while at the Department of State by completely reformatting the server used for her email correspondence while she was in office. “Those who are trying to prove that I’m guilty of violating the law will have to do it without access to documents formerly on my own private server,” Clinton announced. “They may grouse that since I used this server for all my official correspondence as Secretary of State that I had no right...
  • Mayor Suggests that Chicago Airports Be Renamed [semi-satire]

    03/30/2015 8:42:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    In an unexpectedly difficult reelection campaign, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel sought to rally support by promising to rename the City’s two airports in honor of President and Michelle Obama. The two airports are currently named in honor of World War II Navy pilot Edward “Butch” O’Hare and the 1942 Battle of Midway—an upset US victory over Japan that many historians view as the turning point of the war in the Pacific. “I don’t mean to denigrate these earlier historic events, but they pale in significance to the impact that President Obama has had on this country,” Emanuel explained. “O’Hare was...
  • UN Human Rights Official Says Islamic State More Open to Diversity than West SATIRE

    03/29/2015 10:47:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    UN human rights chief Zeid Raad al-Hussein told the Security Council that “the Islamic State is more accepting of ethnic diversity than the western governments that are making war on them.” “Islam is open to persons of every race, color, or ethnicity,” Zeid pointed out. “It doesn’t matter if a person is black or white. As long as he accepts Allah as his master he can be a full member of the umma. This stands in contrast to a long history in which western governments have oppressed and even enslaved persons because of the color of their skin.” In support...
  • Bergdahl Didn't Desert, Lawyer Says [semi-satire]

    03/28/2015 8:55:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 March 2015 | John Semmens
    While the Army has decided to charge Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl with desertion and "misbehaving before the enemy," his lawyer, Eugene Fidell, contends that Bergdahl never intended to desert. "Sgt Bergdahl had serious concerns about the lack of discipline in his unit," Fidell contended. "Rather than engaging in idle griping, he took the initiative to try to resolve the problem by conducting an independent inspection of the standards and practices of the Taliban. It was his hope that what he learned could help reform the way US troops behaved while in the field." "His plan was thwarted when the Taliban refused...