I am so sorry for your loss...reading your words breaks my heart. Your father sounds like a wonderful man and of course your pain at loosing someone so dear is understandable. It’s ok to grieve...it’s ok to find yourself doing things or thinking things “out of the norm.” There is no “normal” right now, you are grieving which takes time. It is a process but in this process you will learn a lot about life and yourself that will amaze you and give you strength to walk it out, I was an orphan at 25. I knew I was an orphan so I find it interesting that you went to that place too. I was a adored only child who lost her mother and father within a year from each other...a marriage a year later and my 8 yr. old son, my only child a year later. At 30 years old I was wiped out...crying out to God, whoever He was to have Mercy. That was 40 years ago. I can now say I’ve had a wonderful life for you see I now know, very intimately, who God is...I now know why my 8 yr. old son was shot and killed, I now have wisdom and peace. Keep walking every day calling on God as your HEAVENLY FATHER. Jesus said He would never leave you or forsake you...you are not alone. As you share your grief and love with others you will grow stronger every day and your Father’s memories will become a warm blanket without any pain...it will happen.