I have no idea what church you go to so I don’t mean to sound presumptuous but the current North American conservative evangelic movement is in a bad way. It is rife with spiritual abuse. Churches are becoming hierarchal social clubs. Many christians are being damaged.
What you wrote about your wife, I could have written about mine 6 years ago. But here is the thing. What I finally found out was that she was right and I was wrong. She saw it before I did. We thought our church was characterized by love but it was not.
It was all hierarchy. How long had you been a member? What position did you hold? Who were your “friends”? This resulted in relationships being characterized by an overwhelming lack of love.
Just one example. My wife also complained that she had no friends. She would approach friendships with sincerity but was met by women seeking to establish a dominant position. This was mostly done by “ministering”. Every conversation was about how my wife was doing and what she needed to do to fix herself. It sounds so loving and helpful but, in reality, this was the way women established their place in the hierarchy. The higher ups ministered to those below. It’s sick.
There were so many dysfunctional dynamics like the one I describe above but none of it was spoken and it took a long time to figure out what was going on. We finally left that church and found a healthier church. However, it still had sprinklings of the problems and our experience resulted in us having a hard time trusting people. We are still working through it six years later.
My advice to you is from Ephesians 5:25. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church, giving yourself up for her.
Also, consider that your wife’s problems are a symptom of something that is wrong in the church. Listen to her. Look for examples of legalism or people worship. Do people rave about your pastor? Are there families in the church that are considered “royalty” because they are so godly? Do people leave the church and you never hear from them again?
I will pray for you and your wife.