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Articles Posted by TheVitaminPress

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  • Obama Hopes Weiner Will Bounce Back

    07/04/2011 5:18:39 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 17 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 06/22/11 | Kip Hooker
    Hollywood- Taking a break from his usual hectic schedule of golfing, partying, going to concerts and taking vacations the President stopped off in Hollywood on Tuesday night long enough to make it by the DuMont Studios and check in with America’s favorite late night talk show host Dean Faux. Faux, host of the wildly popular late night program The Faux Late Show, took nearly half an hour interviewing President Buraq Obama before special musical guests Coldplay performed a tribute for the once popular Commander in Chief and announced plans to hold a series of concerts in support of the Libyan...
  • Pelosi Wants Weiner Probe

    06/11/2011 7:41:49 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 50 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 06/09/11 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- In a week that could hardly have used anymore bad news for New York Representative Anthony Weiner it would appear that such bad news has come. Today in Washington his, one time, greatest champion has come full semi-circle and decided to not only withdraw her support but to pursue an aggressive coarse of action in investigating what has come to be known, at least colloquially, as ‘Weinergate’. In an exclusive interview with The Vitamin Press former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi made it very clear that she is displeased with the situation going so far as to say...
  • Winning with Weiner

    06/09/2011 5:54:35 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 4 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 06/09/11 | Kip Hooker
    Washington DC- With the sort of week that the congressional representative from New York has had many in DC, and across the nation, have been quick to wash their hands of Weiner. Not so fast say those closest to the congressman. They remind us that although this man named Weiner might rub people the wrong way he has a long history of coming from behind for the win. As his close personal man friend Jon Stewart put it “You know I’m just gonna say it. Don’t touch Weiner. You know unless of course it is in the interest of health...
  • Android Lloyd Webber’s Review of the Movie “Fair Game” (Satire Alert)

    12/18/2010 3:23:46 PM PST · by TheVitaminPress · 1+ views | 12/18/2010 | Android Lloyd Webber
    air Game is a movie. It stars Yul Brenner and Ethel Merman. It was directed by Russ Meyer and is based on an original screenplay written by that kid from the television series “Different Strokes”. Not the one that ran for governor of California and died. The other kid. The red headed one that Mr. Drummond inherited after marrying a gol-digging mail order bride from Canada. He was only in four episodes. Fair Game is the true story of Valerie Plame. Plame was an administrative assistant working out of the Beverly Hills branch of the CIA. Plame also had this...
  • Children of the African Continent to Santa Claus: “All we want for Christmas is some DDT”

    12/17/2010 6:26:20 PM PST · by TheVitaminPress · 42 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 12/17/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Africa- All across the mother continent this month there has been a hush. A deep reverence. And finally a heartfelt, but quite plea. From the mouths of babes and this land’s most diminutive inhabitants have come the whispers, the pronouncement, the improbable imploring pleas. They have lifted up with one voice. Given utterance with one hope. And laid their request with one intention. That for Christmas this year – when the jolly old man in red is bringing new Wii’s and bicycles and easy bake ovens to good little children the world over- they would as well be remembered. That...
  • TSA Patdown of Barney Frank Revealed “nothing significant”

    12/03/2010 7:28:13 PM PST · by TheVitaminPress · 24 replies · 1+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 12/03/10 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- Looking to ease some concerns over the TSA’s new interrogation methods Congressman Barney Frank has offered up his talents in sorting things out. The 52 term representative from Massachusetts has sworn not to give up until he has determined if these proceedings are -in fact- a violation of Fourth Amendment rights or merely a necessary step in protecting us from rogue printer cartridges and other assortments of nefarious office supplies. To this end Frank has traveled to dozens of cities and subjected himself to hundreds of the pat downs. According to Frank these investigations of his crotch have “turned...
  • John Stewart Announces the formation of “Friends Against Speech Crime In Society Today”

    11/02/2010 6:25:12 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 41 replies · 1+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 11/02/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Washington - Capitalizing on the quasi-success of his recent Restoring Sanitation Rally in the capital city part-time funny man (and partial human being) John Stewart has expressed interest in creating a political action group which -he hopes- will restore decorum to the public discourse. Citing an ever increasing tension between the right and left in this country Stewart feels that, now more than ever, people of conscience must commit to the worthy cause of restoring restrictions on what free men and women are allowed to say. In keeping with this hypothesis Stewart -this morning- announced the formation of Friends Against...
  • White House to Kids: All Your Candy Belongs to Us

    10/31/2010 4:26:03 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 5 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 10/31/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- Citing extreme executive privilege during a time of national economic crisis President Buraq Obama has issued a sovereign decree implementing a new federal code that will, for the first time ever, regulate the centuries old fall tradition of “trick or treating”. This proclamation will -among other things- form a blue ribbon regulatory commission to oversee the uniform application of several new rules concerning the holiday pastime. Duties, responsibilities and powers held by this agency are still largely unknown. What has been revealed in documents intended for public dissemination indicate that trick or treating this year will be compulsory for...
  • Administration Confirms, Middle Class Will be Expected to Pay for Tax Hikes on the Rich

    09/21/2010 6:14:57 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 2 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 091710 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- “This is a time for hard choices. This is an age in which the tough decisions must be made.” With those words White House Press Secretary opened today’s presser. Barry Gibbs continued. “Now a lot of those guys out there on the other side are going to tell you that we just can’t afford tax hikes on the rich right now. They will tell you that the middle class just can’t afford the jobs or patronage that will be lost. They will tell you that the middle class just can’t afford the further downturn in the economy that such...
  • White House: Obama obviously not a Muslim, Muslim’s don’t like pork

    08/23/2010 8:45:13 AM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 23 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 08/21/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- Responding to a shocking new poll, in which it was revealed that nearly 25 percent of Americans believe President Buraq Hussein Mohammed Ayatollah Obama is a closet Muslim, White House Press Secretary Barry Gibbs advised the Washington Press Corpse-men, “Look guys it is pretty obvious Obama is not a Muslim . . . we all know that Muslim’s don’t like pork.” As it became clear to Gibbs that his statement had failed to sway cumulative opinion within the room the beleaguered administration mouthpiece attempted a different tact. “Besides remember that book was sworn in on at the second ceremony...
  • Mr. Orszag goes to Hollywood

    08/21/2010 5:19:36 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 6 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 08/20/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- After a highly successful term as director of the official Office of Management and Budget famous economist -and part time human being- Peter Dick Orszag has announced that he will be vacating the position by the end of the month. Industry insiders and associated policy wonks are divided over their analysis of this news. Many are privately expressing their fear that all the impressive gains the economy has made over the last 18 months will disappear with the departure of Orszag. As noted economist and commentator Oliver Wendall Homeless explained it to The Vitamin Press: “These are tough times...
  • Under New Health Insurance Rules Blue Cross Blue Shield Forced to Change Name

    08/04/2010 10:55:12 AM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 28 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 08/01/2010 | Kip Hooker
    The law of unintended consequences has struck again as mega health insurance provider Blue Cross Blue Shield was informed today by government lawyers that they will have to change the name of their company if they wish to remain in compliance with the new health care reform legislation. This decision is based largely on a recent landmark lawsuit against the United States in which the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals agreed that plaintiff -famous atheist and part time human being- Michael Newdow’s civil rights had been violated by Blue Cross Blue Shield’s use of Christian imagery in their company name...
  • Mississippi Ordered to Remove Barrier Islands

    07/03/2010 10:29:25 AM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 25 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 07/02/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Gulfport, MS- After the conclusion of a seventy four day study on the relationship between the ecological devastation deodorant-wearing-transvestites can cause to the natural habitat of arctic penguins in regard to the mating habits of hairless chupacabra’s attending university in Syracuse New York it has been determined that states like Louisiana will not be allowed to build sand berms to protect their shores from an ocean of black death that has been -and continues to be- washing up and into their homes. Furthermore all states boasting natural barrier islands will have 30 days to remove such structures so as to...
  • Coast Residents Disguise Themselves as Palestinians in Attempt to Gain White House Recognition

    06/29/2010 7:22:08 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 7 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 06/29/10 | Kip Hooker
    Orange Beach, Ala- After seventy-some days of being ignored by the Obama Administration several residents of the Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and Florida Gulf Coast’s have taken to some very desperate measures in an effort to bring their plight to the attention of the White House and -hopefully- secure some much needed help in avoiding the destruction of their homes livelihood and way of life. Among some of the more extreme of these measures has been a group of person’s along those states who have started disguising themselves as Palestinians in an effort to gain not only the attention of the...
  • President Visits Coast after Unfortunate Mix-up between the words “Gulf” and “Golf”

    06/14/2010 6:32:47 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 25 replies · 599+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 06/13/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Burris, La- Due to an embarrassing mix up today President of the United States Buraq Obama was forced to spend 15 minutes viewing the devastation that a several month old oil spill has wreaked upon the Gulf of Mexico and the several states whose coastlines buttress with that famed body of water. The confusion lay in a memo charting out the President’s itinerary for this week and a typo contained therein that had accidentally substituted the word “gulf” for the word “golf”. And so instead of being spirited away to another vacation where the President had intended to drop the...
  • BP Announces ‘Operation Suck’

    06/02/2010 5:54:47 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 41 replies · 706+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 06/02/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Biloxi, MS- Fisherman, charter boat captains and those dependent on the marine industries for their economic survival received a bit of good news this morning. Executives for BP announced that plans for “Operation Suck” had been finalized and over the next few days its implementation will put thousands of presently furloughed sea workers -along the Louisiana and Mississippi Coast’s- back to work. The plan, as explained to The Vitamin Press by other BP officials, is to place these workers onto hundreds of C-130’s (provided by by the local Keester Air Force Base) and fly them over the oil spill. From...
  • Prominent Environmentalist Calls the Prius “A racist hate machine of imperialist oppression”

    04/09/2010 7:37:20 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 33 replies · 829+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 04/09/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Berkley, CA- In an unexpected change of position today charter member, and chief spokesperson, for the environmental action group People Establishing Nature In Society Sage Pinebrush has gone from embracing the Toyota Prius as a “marvel of socially conscience engineering destined to be the last best hope for a world on the brink of utter environmental holocaust,” to denouncing it as a hoax and a “sham cooked up by greedy corporate auto manufacturers willing to prey on the good will and the humanity of those intellectually impressive and likewise enlightened persons seeking to save a world through their superior lifestyles...
  • Mitt Romney in Serious Condition After Tragic Tanning Pill Overdose

    04/02/2010 6:19:29 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 21 replies · 1,234+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 04/02/2010 | Kip Hooker
    A worried nation can breathe a collective sigh of relief this morning as doctors for former Minnesota governor, and once and future presidential candidate, Mitt Romney have downgraded the photogenic politician’s condition from critical to merely serious. Romney (who has been a patient at the Pershing General Medical Center for three days now after having been found despondent in a ball-pit at a local Chucky Cheese where he was -according to eyewitness accounts- sharing a romantic evening with an unidentified teen pop star whose initials are J.B.) is said to be in good spirits and looking forward to fully regaining...
  • Pelosi: Congress Could Pass Health Care Reform with an “Assumed” Vote

    03/20/2010 4:45:34 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 4 replies · 919+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 03/19/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- Touting a “compromise for the ages” an act of “bravery and genius sure to establish this congress as histories most admired and revered” Speaker of the House Nasty Pelosi has laid forth a mechanism by which, she contends, Whealthsnare Reform may be passed without violating the will of the American people or engaging in the “pedantically procedural and quaintly antiquated obligation of having to find enough yes votes” for its passage. Speaking exclusively with The Vitamin Press Pelosi expounded upon the theme, “Look I get it … 70 percent of the people in this country don’t want us to...
  • Kucinich to White House: You’re Always After Me Lucky Charms!

    03/18/2010 3:50:40 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 17 replies · 340+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 03/17/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- In a stunning reversal of position Congressman Dennis Kucinich has changed his stance on the so-called health care reform bill and pledged his support for the measure if -and when- it comes to the floor of the House for a vote. Given Kucinich’s longstanding criticisms and general avarice for the legislation many are wondering what the impetus for this sudden about face could be. Some have posited that the Ohio representative could not resist the famous Buraq Obama charm. Some have guessed that his vote has been bought for hundreds of millions of dollars as was done with Senators...