Articles Posted by TheVitaminPress

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  • Obama Hopes Weiner Will Bounce Back

    07/04/2011 5:18:39 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 17 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 06/22/11 | Kip Hooker
    Hollywood- Taking a break from his usual hectic schedule of golfing, partying, going to concerts and taking vacations the President stopped off in Hollywood on Tuesday night long enough to make it by the DuMont Studios and check in with America’s favorite late night talk show host Dean Faux. Faux, host of the wildly popular late night program The Faux Late Show, took nearly half an hour interviewing President Buraq Obama before special musical guests Coldplay performed a tribute for the once popular Commander in Chief and announced plans to hold a series of concerts in support of the Libyan...
  • Pelosi Wants Weiner Probe

    06/11/2011 7:41:49 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 50 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 06/09/11 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- In a week that could hardly have used anymore bad news for New York Representative Anthony Weiner it would appear that such bad news has come. Today in Washington his, one time, greatest champion has come full semi-circle and decided to not only withdraw her support but to pursue an aggressive coarse of action in investigating what has come to be known, at least colloquially, as ‘Weinergate’. In an exclusive interview with The Vitamin Press former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi made it very clear that she is displeased with the situation going so far as to say...
  • Winning with Weiner

    06/09/2011 5:54:35 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 4 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 06/09/11 | Kip Hooker
    Washington DC- With the sort of week that the congressional representative from New York has had many in DC, and across the nation, have been quick to wash their hands of Weiner. Not so fast say those closest to the congressman. They remind us that although this man named Weiner might rub people the wrong way he has a long history of coming from behind for the win. As his close personal man friend Jon Stewart put it “You know I’m just gonna say it. Don’t touch Weiner. You know unless of course it is in the interest of health...
  • Android Lloyd Webber’s Review of the Movie “Fair Game” (Satire Alert)

    12/18/2010 3:23:46 PM PST · by TheVitaminPress · 1+ views | 12/18/2010 | Android Lloyd Webber
    air Game is a movie. It stars Yul Brenner and Ethel Merman. It was directed by Russ Meyer and is based on an original screenplay written by that kid from the television series “Different Strokes”. Not the one that ran for governor of California and died. The other kid. The red headed one that Mr. Drummond inherited after marrying a gol-digging mail order bride from Canada. He was only in four episodes. Fair Game is the true story of Valerie Plame. Plame was an administrative assistant working out of the Beverly Hills branch of the CIA. Plame also had this...
  • Children of the African Continent to Santa Claus: “All we want for Christmas is some DDT”

    12/17/2010 6:26:20 PM PST · by TheVitaminPress · 42 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 12/17/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Africa- All across the mother continent this month there has been a hush. A deep reverence. And finally a heartfelt, but quite plea. From the mouths of babes and this land’s most diminutive inhabitants have come the whispers, the pronouncement, the improbable imploring pleas. They have lifted up with one voice. Given utterance with one hope. And laid their request with one intention. That for Christmas this year – when the jolly old man in red is bringing new Wii’s and bicycles and easy bake ovens to good little children the world over- they would as well be remembered. That...
  • TSA Patdown of Barney Frank Revealed “nothing significant”

    12/03/2010 7:28:13 PM PST · by TheVitaminPress · 24 replies · 1+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 12/03/10 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- Looking to ease some concerns over the TSA’s new interrogation methods Congressman Barney Frank has offered up his talents in sorting things out. The 52 term representative from Massachusetts has sworn not to give up until he has determined if these proceedings are -in fact- a violation of Fourth Amendment rights or merely a necessary step in protecting us from rogue printer cartridges and other assortments of nefarious office supplies. To this end Frank has traveled to dozens of cities and subjected himself to hundreds of the pat downs. According to Frank these investigations of his crotch have “turned...
  • John Stewart Announces the formation of “Friends Against Speech Crime In Society Today”

    11/02/2010 6:25:12 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 41 replies · 1+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 11/02/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Washington - Capitalizing on the quasi-success of his recent Restoring Sanitation Rally in the capital city part-time funny man (and partial human being) John Stewart has expressed interest in creating a political action group which -he hopes- will restore decorum to the public discourse. Citing an ever increasing tension between the right and left in this country Stewart feels that, now more than ever, people of conscience must commit to the worthy cause of restoring restrictions on what free men and women are allowed to say. In keeping with this hypothesis Stewart -this morning- announced the formation of Friends Against...
  • White House to Kids: All Your Candy Belongs to Us

    10/31/2010 4:26:03 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 5 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 10/31/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- Citing extreme executive privilege during a time of national economic crisis President Buraq Obama has issued a sovereign decree implementing a new federal code that will, for the first time ever, regulate the centuries old fall tradition of “trick or treating”. This proclamation will -among other things- form a blue ribbon regulatory commission to oversee the uniform application of several new rules concerning the holiday pastime. Duties, responsibilities and powers held by this agency are still largely unknown. What has been revealed in documents intended for public dissemination indicate that trick or treating this year will be compulsory for...
  • Administration Confirms, Middle Class Will be Expected to Pay for Tax Hikes on the Rich

    09/21/2010 6:14:57 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 2 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 091710 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- “This is a time for hard choices. This is an age in which the tough decisions must be made.” With those words White House Press Secretary opened today’s presser. Barry Gibbs continued. “Now a lot of those guys out there on the other side are going to tell you that we just can’t afford tax hikes on the rich right now. They will tell you that the middle class just can’t afford the jobs or patronage that will be lost. They will tell you that the middle class just can’t afford the further downturn in the economy that such...
  • White House: Obama obviously not a Muslim, Muslim’s don’t like pork

    08/23/2010 8:45:13 AM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 23 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 08/21/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- Responding to a shocking new poll, in which it was revealed that nearly 25 percent of Americans believe President Buraq Hussein Mohammed Ayatollah Obama is a closet Muslim, White House Press Secretary Barry Gibbs advised the Washington Press Corpse-men, “Look guys it is pretty obvious Obama is not a Muslim . . . we all know that Muslim’s don’t like pork.” As it became clear to Gibbs that his statement had failed to sway cumulative opinion within the room the beleaguered administration mouthpiece attempted a different tact. “Besides remember that book was sworn in on at the second ceremony...
  • Mr. Orszag goes to Hollywood

    08/21/2010 5:19:36 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 6 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 08/20/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- After a highly successful term as director of the official Office of Management and Budget famous economist -and part time human being- Peter Dick Orszag has announced that he will be vacating the position by the end of the month. Industry insiders and associated policy wonks are divided over their analysis of this news. Many are privately expressing their fear that all the impressive gains the economy has made over the last 18 months will disappear with the departure of Orszag. As noted economist and commentator Oliver Wendall Homeless explained it to The Vitamin Press: “These are tough times...
  • Under New Health Insurance Rules Blue Cross Blue Shield Forced to Change Name

    08/04/2010 10:55:12 AM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 28 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 08/01/2010 | Kip Hooker
    The law of unintended consequences has struck again as mega health insurance provider Blue Cross Blue Shield was informed today by government lawyers that they will have to change the name of their company if they wish to remain in compliance with the new health care reform legislation. This decision is based largely on a recent landmark lawsuit against the United States in which the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals agreed that plaintiff -famous atheist and part time human being- Michael Newdow’s civil rights had been violated by Blue Cross Blue Shield’s use of Christian imagery in their company name...
  • Mississippi Ordered to Remove Barrier Islands

    07/03/2010 10:29:25 AM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 25 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 07/02/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Gulfport, MS- After the conclusion of a seventy four day study on the relationship between the ecological devastation deodorant-wearing-transvestites can cause to the natural habitat of arctic penguins in regard to the mating habits of hairless chupacabra’s attending university in Syracuse New York it has been determined that states like Louisiana will not be allowed to build sand berms to protect their shores from an ocean of black death that has been -and continues to be- washing up and into their homes. Furthermore all states boasting natural barrier islands will have 30 days to remove such structures so as to...
  • Coast Residents Disguise Themselves as Palestinians in Attempt to Gain White House Recognition

    06/29/2010 7:22:08 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 7 replies
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 06/29/10 | Kip Hooker
    Orange Beach, Ala- After seventy-some days of being ignored by the Obama Administration several residents of the Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and Florida Gulf Coast’s have taken to some very desperate measures in an effort to bring their plight to the attention of the White House and -hopefully- secure some much needed help in avoiding the destruction of their homes livelihood and way of life. Among some of the more extreme of these measures has been a group of person’s along those states who have started disguising themselves as Palestinians in an effort to gain not only the attention of the...
  • President Visits Coast after Unfortunate Mix-up between the words “Gulf” and “Golf”

    06/14/2010 6:32:47 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 25 replies · 599+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 06/13/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Burris, La- Due to an embarrassing mix up today President of the United States Buraq Obama was forced to spend 15 minutes viewing the devastation that a several month old oil spill has wreaked upon the Gulf of Mexico and the several states whose coastlines buttress with that famed body of water. The confusion lay in a memo charting out the President’s itinerary for this week and a typo contained therein that had accidentally substituted the word “gulf” for the word “golf”. And so instead of being spirited away to another vacation where the President had intended to drop the...
  • BP Announces ‘Operation Suck’

    06/02/2010 5:54:47 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 41 replies · 706+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 06/02/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Biloxi, MS- Fisherman, charter boat captains and those dependent on the marine industries for their economic survival received a bit of good news this morning. Executives for BP announced that plans for “Operation Suck” had been finalized and over the next few days its implementation will put thousands of presently furloughed sea workers -along the Louisiana and Mississippi Coast’s- back to work. The plan, as explained to The Vitamin Press by other BP officials, is to place these workers onto hundreds of C-130’s (provided by by the local Keester Air Force Base) and fly them over the oil spill. From...
  • Prominent Environmentalist Calls the Prius “A racist hate machine of imperialist oppression”

    04/09/2010 7:37:20 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 33 replies · 829+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 04/09/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Berkley, CA- In an unexpected change of position today charter member, and chief spokesperson, for the environmental action group People Establishing Nature In Society Sage Pinebrush has gone from embracing the Toyota Prius as a “marvel of socially conscience engineering destined to be the last best hope for a world on the brink of utter environmental holocaust,” to denouncing it as a hoax and a “sham cooked up by greedy corporate auto manufacturers willing to prey on the good will and the humanity of those intellectually impressive and likewise enlightened persons seeking to save a world through their superior lifestyles...
  • Mitt Romney in Serious Condition After Tragic Tanning Pill Overdose

    04/02/2010 6:19:29 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 21 replies · 1,234+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 04/02/2010 | Kip Hooker
    A worried nation can breathe a collective sigh of relief this morning as doctors for former Minnesota governor, and once and future presidential candidate, Mitt Romney have downgraded the photogenic politician’s condition from critical to merely serious. Romney (who has been a patient at the Pershing General Medical Center for three days now after having been found despondent in a ball-pit at a local Chucky Cheese where he was -according to eyewitness accounts- sharing a romantic evening with an unidentified teen pop star whose initials are J.B.) is said to be in good spirits and looking forward to fully regaining...
  • Pelosi: Congress Could Pass Health Care Reform with an “Assumed” Vote

    03/20/2010 4:45:34 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 4 replies · 919+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 03/19/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- Touting a “compromise for the ages” an act of “bravery and genius sure to establish this congress as histories most admired and revered” Speaker of the House Nasty Pelosi has laid forth a mechanism by which, she contends, Whealthsnare Reform may be passed without violating the will of the American people or engaging in the “pedantically procedural and quaintly antiquated obligation of having to find enough yes votes” for its passage. Speaking exclusively with The Vitamin Press Pelosi expounded upon the theme, “Look I get it … 70 percent of the people in this country don’t want us to...
  • Kucinich to White House: You’re Always After Me Lucky Charms!

    03/18/2010 3:50:40 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 17 replies · 340+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 03/17/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- In a stunning reversal of position Congressman Dennis Kucinich has changed his stance on the so-called health care reform bill and pledged his support for the measure if -and when- it comes to the floor of the House for a vote. Given Kucinich’s longstanding criticisms and general avarice for the legislation many are wondering what the impetus for this sudden about face could be. Some have posited that the Ohio representative could not resist the famous Buraq Obama charm. Some have guessed that his vote has been bought for hundreds of millions of dollars as was done with Senators...
  • Pelosi: Health Care Debate Has Created 4 Million New Jobs, In Marketing

    03/10/2010 10:02:13 AM PST · by TheVitaminPress · 26 replies · 454+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 03/10/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- Partial Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has announced that the health care debate has been an unparalleled boon to the economy and, as of this date, created over four million jobs for out of work Americans. Critics of the Speaker, and her most recent claims, have pointed out that each of these jobs were created in the marketing industry and expressly for the purpose of convincing the seventy percent of Americans who are strongly opposed to the so called health care reform, or at least in its two current incarnations, that they are stupid and so is democracy....
  • Experts Warn: JPK III May Not Be Worthy of Kennedy Legacy

    02/28/2010 6:56:22 PM PST · by TheVitaminPress · 66 replies · 1,067+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 02/28/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Massachusetts- For the last twenty four hours rumors have been pervading the internet and blogoshphere that Joseph P. Kennedy III, Grandson of RFK and namesake of the Kennedy scion, is seriously considering a run for congress. The response to this possibility has been largely positive but there are those out there who are not convinced that the young man from Boston has what it takes to live up to the hollowed and universally respected Kennedy name. “I’m just not convinced that this young man from Boston has what it takes to live up to the hollowed and universally respected Kennedy...
  • Michael Moore to Portray Meghan McCain in Upcoming Biopic

    02/12/2010 4:11:00 PM PST · by TheVitaminPress · 21 replies · 464+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 02/12/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Hollywood- After languishing away for years in development purgatory it appears that Hollywood might finally be moving forward with its long awaited biopic of celebrated politico “it girl” Meghan McCain. Announcements were made today that a new director has been added to the project. In addition producers have confirmed that famed documentary film maker, and world-renowned auteur, Michael Moore will be portraying the platinum Pandora of poli/pocket-sci when she makes her transition from mere cellulite to the more fabulous celluloid. Troubles have plagued the project since Warner Brothers bought the property in October of 1984. Many industry insiders have questioned...
  • Teleprompter 2.0 Released, Now with Pronunciation Guide

    02/10/2010 10:46:06 AM PST · by TheVitaminPress · 32 replies · 979+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 02/10/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- White House Press Secretary Barry Gibbs advised the Washington Press Corps, this morning, that the Teleprompter was recovering nicely and would be resuming its role as President of the United States by early tomorrow. There had been much concern over the health and mental status of the Teleprompter over the last few months as many -that is to say many in the alternative press- had began to notice that the Teleprompter was directing Official Teleprompter Spokesperson (OTS) Buraq Obama to mispronounce words such as orion (oar-ee-on), corps man (corpse man) and most recently highly offend a delegation of dignitaries...
  • Nelson to Resign from Senate, Pursue Career in Acting

    01/14/2010 6:30:27 PM PST · by TheVitaminPress · 8 replies · 1,165+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 01/06/2010 | Kip Hooker
    Nebraska- Ben Nelson returned to Nebraska earlier this week to announce his imminent resignation from the position he has held, as the states Junior Senator, since 2001. Though the news came as a shock to very few of his constituents Nelson declined to acknowledge the rampant speculation that this decision was largely in response to the politician’s plummeting popularity since voting “yes” on the Health Care Reform Bill in exchange for 100 million dollars. Nelson did inform those in attendance -at the hastily arranged press conference- that he was quitting primarily because he “wanted to spend more time” with his...
  • Al Gore: Anthropogenic Global Warming is Now Increasing Temperatures on the Sun

    01/01/2010 7:49:12 PM PST · by TheVitaminPress · 30 replies · 2,021+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 12/16/2009 | Kip Hooker
    New York- “We all know that the planet has a fever. But now it turns out that it is far worse than we could ever have imagined. This fever is contagious. It has traversed the great darkness of space. It has traveled the unfathomable distance of 450 miles to settle on the surface of sun. It has now infected earth’s nearest neighbor. And if we don’t do something about it within ten years all of the sun’s solar ice caps will have melted and she will no longer be able to sustain the myriads of plant and animal lives that...
  • Al Gore: Tipper and I were the Inspiration for “New Moon”

    11/25/2009 5:51:55 PM PST · by TheVitaminPress · 13 replies · 974+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 11/25/2009 | Kip Hooker
    Nashville, Tn- Former Vice President, and partial human being, Albert Gore Junior recently came forward with the somewhat spurious claim that the novel New Moon -and by extension the blockbuster movie using the afore mentioned title as its source material- is based largely on the romantic exploits of himself and wife Tipper. According to the recently divulged Gore narrative he was, for a brief time in college, a Vampire. “It was a phase I was going through. Like the time I invented the Internet. You know just one of those things that happen in college when your trying to discover...
  • Lindsey Graham: I Won’t Let the Republican Party be Hijacked by the Constitution

    11/11/2009 7:14:06 PM PST · by TheVitaminPress · 31 replies · 1,235+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 11/11/2009 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- With a recent reading of prepared statements before the Washington DC chapter of the Friends of Bill Owens fanclub South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham made a few things perfectly clear. Among these things were that “Thomas Jefferson is not the head of the Republican Party” and he “won’t stand idly by and let the party that Rockerfeller built get hijacked by the Constitution.” Graham also went on to say “You know that election we had recently, you know that one in upstate New York, that shows we’ve got to build this into a big tent party. But I think...
  • Michael Moore Mistakenly Agrees to Be on “Biggest Loser” Reality Show

    11/05/2009 5:54:18 PM PST · by TheVitaminPress · 24 replies · 884+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 10/05/2009 | Walt Jameson
    Controversial filmmaker and author Michael Moore was recently asked to be on the next season of NBC’s The Biggest Loser series. Moore immediately accepted, NBC sent him contracts to lock in his appearance, and Moore signed and returned them by express mail the very next day. However, Moore, who claims he was previously unfamiliar with the show’s concept, has dispatched his legal team to negotiate his release from the contracts with NBC. Moore’s sources revealed to him months ago his nomination for the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. Being positive he would win the famous award, Moore had already planned to...
  • White House to Kids: All Your Candies are Belong to Us!

    10/31/2009 7:55:08 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 3 replies · 448+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 10/31/2009 | Kip Hooker
    Washington- Citing extreme executive privilege during a time of national economic crisis President Boraq Obama has issued a sovereign decree implementing a new federal code that will, for the first time ever, regulate the centuries old fall tradition of “trick or treating”. This proclamation, currently being designated as the “2009 Candy Recovery and Reallocation Emergency Act”, will -among other things- form a new regulatory commission to oversee the uniform application of several new rules concerning the holiday pastime. Duties, responsibilities and powers held by this agency are still largely unknown but it is thought that the aggregate of changes it...
  • Lindsay Graham Undergoes Personality Transplant, Survives

    10/30/2009 6:30:08 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 6 replies · 657+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 10/29/2009 | Kip Hooker
    Charlston, SC- Doctors in South Carolina are reporting that all has gone well with Lindsay Graham’s recent surgery and that the long time Democrat Senator is resting comfortably and expected to make a full recovery. Graham, who early yesterday morning became the second person to undergo a complete personality transplant and the first individual to survive the procedure, is also reported to be in good spirits and eager to find out what it is like to make friends. Graham is well known for his work in the Senate. What is less well known is the fact that he suffered from...
  • James Carville Upset Over “Illegal Alien” Costume

    10/20/2009 5:50:50 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 37 replies · 1,808+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 10/20/2009 | Kip Hooker
    James Carville is leading a charge for retail locations in the United States to ban a controversial Halloween costume. The costume depicts an “illegal alien” carrying a super-sized green card in his hand while wearing an orange prison jumpsuit with the words “illegal alien” stenciled across the front. According to Carville the garb is “insensitive and offensive” to “hardworking humanoid life-forms just because they happen to be from another planet.” Carville also advised The Vitamin Press that this issue is extremely important to him because “both of my parents came from Uranus.” E.T., head of the Society Humanely Integrating Alien...
  • Community Leaders Oppose Sharpton’s Bid to Buy Kosher Deli

    10/14/2009 6:21:14 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 10 replies · 661+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 10/14/2009 | Kip Hooker
    Uvula, New York- Jewish community elders are rallying against The Reverend Al Sharpton’s bid to buy the Baer Market Deli on the corner of S.Exchange Street and Broad in beautiful old-town Uvula. Citing a litany of divisive remarks, attributable to the bellicose malcontent, local civic leaders are afraid that Sharpton’s “virulent history of blatant antisemitism” will be irrevocably incompatible with their long held tradition of being Semites. In addition to Sharpton’s clear antipathy towards those he has termed “diamond merchants” and “bloodsuckers”, there are also concerns that Sharpton will irrevocably damage the spirit of the 150 year old delicatessen with...
  • The Slightly More All Powerful Labor Usions

    10/13/2009 7:33:38 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 16 replies · 264+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 10/13/2009 | Kip Hooker
    It is well known throughout the public school houses and roadside massage parlors of this great America that within any business, or grossly similar entity, there will be found a conflict between ownership and labor. This conflict mostly arises from a divergence of goals. Labor wants a just and fair compensation for a just and fair effort. Ownership just wants to eat their children. Given these irreconcilable dissimilarities there is not much wonder involved when labor withstands the demands of the all powerful owners by turning to the slightly more all powerful labor unions. Labor unions are not really all...
  • Erlich Wins Nobel Prize for “Population Bomb” Theory

    10/08/2009 3:59:31 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 9 replies · 802+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 10/07/2009 | Kip Hooker
    Oslo, Norway- An American, Paul Erlich of The Stanford Butterfly Collector’s Club, was awarded the 2009 Nobel prize for his book positing the inevitability of a “population bomb” in his book of the same name. Written in 1968 the epic scientific tome portends of a future in which population growth will far exceed the planets capacity to provide for resources enough to sustain humanity. The book further predicted that the resultant rampant famine and boredom would lead to the starvation of trillions of people during the 1970’s and the end of all humanity no later than the spring of 1985....
  • President Sues Brazil Over Illegal Use of Phrase “Yes We Can”

    10/02/2009 6:09:15 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 29 replies · 1,599+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 10/02/2009 | The Vitamin
    Washington- Lawyers for President Obama have issued papers to the government of Brazil demanding that all representatives of that tiny island nation refrain from any further use of the phrase “yes we can”. A firestorm erupted yesterday when Brazilian President Frank “Ponch” Poncherelli co-opted the popular phrase for his countries bid to host the 2016 Fall Olympics. According to lawyers for Obama these actions were not only inappropriate and indecent but also illegal as the famous Chicagoan copyrighted the phrase (along with the words hope and change) early in 2008. Legal expert Craven Moorehead explained it this way. “Pursuant to...
  • Sneak Attack On Hawaii

    09/30/2009 6:21:56 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 10 replies · 1,353+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 06/09/2009 | The Vitamin Press
    Honolulu- Reports are coming in from Hawaii that a missile launched from parts unknown, possibly North Korea, has landed on the Island of Honolulu and destroyed a room in the states official Department of Records building. The missile used an advanced stealth technology rendering it absolutely invisible to radar and all other forms of early detection or warning. Not even Peter Schiff could have seen this one coming. The missile strike marks the first time that American soil has been struck by a foreign military since December 7, 1941 when Japan attacked a US Naval port at Pearl Harbor and...
  • McCain, Romney, Huckabee Join Forces; Start a Band

    09/27/2009 6:14:48 AM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 7 replies · 723+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 09/20/2009 | The Vitamin Press
    Muscle Shoals, Alabama- The Vitamin Press has just learned that three former presidential hopefuls -John Sinister McCain, Mittens “Mad Cow Romney” and Mike Huckabee- have placed their former ambitions behind them and united together for the greater purpose of healing the world with the psychedelic burn of their sweet sweet rock and roll music. This experiment in harmonic synergistic fusion, the power of believing in the beauty of your dreams and the unstoppable uniting force of their positive rock melodies has coalesced around these three musical troubadours and forged a sum that greatly exceeds the size of their parts. Alone...
  • White House: Economy is Racist (Sarc Alert)

    09/25/2009 9:11:24 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 3 replies · 427+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 09/21/2009 | The Vitamin Press
    Is institutional racism working to the detriment of the Obama administration? It’s a question that has been bubbling just beneath the surface of polite political discourse for months now. It is a question that was suddenly cast into the fore when, earlier this week, it became widely known that a sinister – and racist – employee of a D.C. Burger King conspired to ruin President Obama’s lunch by serving him a junior double whopper dressed with two pickles instead of the customary three… and then refused to allow him to substitute certified organic Tuscan kale for the onion rings included...
  • Breaking News: The World May Not Have Ended

    09/19/2009 8:06:26 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 32 replies · 1,757+ views
    The Vitamin Press | 06/30/09 | The Vitamin Press
    Nowhere- Every school kid knows that the world ended on June, 30 1908 at 7:14 am – or did it? According to a controversial new theory developed and championed by Dr. Erich Von Freemason of Universe University, the world may not have ended, and may, in fact, still be in existence today. Though virtually the entire scientific community scoffs at the notion as absurd, baseless, and without merit, many are latching onto this movement and its growing popularity amongst the mainstream is hard to deny. Dr. Baltimore, M.D. (also of Universe University) sees this trend as troubling. He explained to...
  • Russia Sends Advanced Nuclear Subs to U.S. East Coast for Technology Scouting Mission

    09/18/2009 5:34:26 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 12 replies · 838+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 08/05/2009 | The Vitamin Press
    The Russian military has dispatched two of its most advanced nuclear submarines to the Atlantic Ocean, just off the east coast of the United States. While this move may seem confrontational and mysterious, The Vitamin Press has learned specific details regarding the subs’ Top Secret mission. Russian intelligence has been actively monitoring all transmissions and media originating from the United States for years. Recently, many in the Russian intelligence community have been investigating transmissions from the United States regarding a submarine only 30.5 cm (1 ft) in length at a cost of less than 160 rubles (aprox. $5 U.S.). Russian...
  • Experts Decry the Lack of “Profesional Protesters” at Town Hall Meetings

    09/14/2009 7:18:51 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 14 replies · 927+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 09/14/2009 | The Vitamin Press
    United States of America- All across the nation yesterday town hall meetings were bombarded with protesters wishing to express their displeasure with the presidents agenda for health care reform as well as his general disdain of individual liberty and property. Without the benefit of an audience with the head of the executive branch most of this anger was directed against local congressman. Despite this effort, however, many experts wonder how effective these demonstrations will be. This substantial query, it must be noted here, is in hard deference to the quality of these protesters. Many experts in the field are skeptical...
  • Congress to Reinstate Draft in Effort to Bring About Health Care Reform

    09/13/2009 5:28:49 AM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 12 replies · 1,115+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 08/04/2009 | The Vitamin Press
    Washington- The road to comprehensive health care reform may be clearing up again after weeks of doubt, wrangling and obstructions had threatened the likelihood of its passing through committee and onto the floor of the House of Representatives for a full vote by that body. Moments ago members of the Committee on Homefront Imperialism emerged from seclusion with an announcement that The Healthfare Reform Act of 2009 had passed through and would be the first item of business taken up after the House returned from its summer recess. At the center of the debate impeding this bill, while in committee,...
  • Congress to Add “Flexible” Amendment to Constitution

    09/11/2009 8:52:27 PM PDT · by TheVitaminPress · 21 replies · 1,385+ views
    The Vitamin Press ^ | 08/31/2009 | The Vitamin Press
    Washington, D.C.- Congress men and women are working during recess to hammer out the first draft of a new, groundbreaking Constitutional amendment. Unlike the effort to draft previous amendments-to-be, current Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has enlisted the aid of dozens of linguists to cunningly craft the new amendment using a custom-designed language. Not only does this promise to be the first piece of major legislation written entirely in a language other than English, the new language being created is also unique in that only key members of the current administration will have access to references that describe and...