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  • Head of Fed Baffled

    06/25/2011 8:38:05 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 41 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 25 June 2011 | John Semmens
    Ben Bernanke, Chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank (Fed) pronounced himself “baffled” by the state of the economy. “The federal government is spending like there’s no tomorrow, we’ve added trillions to the national debt over the last three years, we’re cranking out more new money than ever before, yet the economy is lying there like a beached whale,” Bernanke mused. “I have to admit, I’m baffled by it all.” Bernanke dismissed businesses’ reluctance to invest as “irrational.” “Look, our ‘quantitative easing’ couldn’t be clearer,” Bernanke insisted. “Whatever they borrow today can be paid back later in cheaper dollars. We’re effectively...
  • President Says ATM a Symbol of What’s Wrong with this Country

    06/26/2011 10:17:17 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 19 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 25 June 2011 | John Semmens
    With unemployment remaining stubbornly high after more than two years of his Administration’s economic stimulus policies, President Obama laid into the ATM (Automatic Teller Machine) as a symbol of what’s ailing the economy. “First off, these machines displace workers, increasing unemployment,” Obama maintained. “People used to be employed as bank tellers to dispense cash and take deposits. Now, millions of these machines have eliminated millions of jobs.” “Secondly, the government’s ability to control how money is dispensed is hampered,” the President added. “These machines are open around the clock and the process is pretty much automatic. If there’s money in...
  • Palin E-Mails Unsettling

    06/18/2011 2:48:17 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 25 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 16 June 2011 | John Semmens
    The release of more than 20,000 of former Governor Sarah Palin’s e-mails has yielded content that some are calling unsettling. “We noted that on more than one occasion Governor Palin mentioned that she hoped for divine guidance to help her reach the right decision on an issue,” the Associated Press (AP) wrote in an unsigned analysis. “This is wrong on several levels. First, it is an illegal mingling of church and state. There’s supposed to be a wall between the two. Palin breached that wall.” “Second, it implies a certain degree of helplessness on Palin’s part,” the AP continued. “Were...
  • Police Seize & Destroy Witnesses’ Cell Phones

    06/13/2011 2:34:20 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 42 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 11 June 2011 | John Semmens
    Police in Miami Beach, Florida destroyed all witnesses’ cell phones after one of them used a phone to record the police fire 100 bullets at a suspect. The shooting left the suspect dead and four bystanders wounded. Police spokesman, Richard Tator explained that the phone confiscation was “standard procedure.” “Multiple recordings of enforcement activities generate unnecessary complications that could endanger the prosecution’s case,” Tator asserted. “To avoid this problem officers are instructed to expunge all unauthorized recordings.” The crushing of a half-dozen cell phones may not have accomplished the desired objective, though. One witness, Narces Benoit, managed to extract his...
  • Feds Raid Home Seeking Student Loan Repayment

    06/12/2011 3:18:23 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 20 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 11 June 2011 | John Semmens
    A federal SWAT operation kicked down the doors of Kenneth Wright’s home in a 6 A.M. raid because his wife, who no longer lives at the residence, failed to repay her student loan. Wright, who had been sleeping, was dragged out of the house in his underwear, thrown face down on the front lawn and held at gunpoint. His three children were not harmed. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan defended the harsh tactics. “Too many people are defaulting on their student loans,” Duncan pointed out. “The old system of pursuing collections through the courts may have been the only alternative...

    06/11/2011 12:14:08 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 11 June 2011 | John Semmens
    MSNBC’s Chris Matthews called criticism of Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) “culturally backward.” Weiner is currently under fire for sending nude pictures of himself to women across the nation and then lying about it. “People say they want transparency from government,” Matthews observed. “What’s more transparent than a naked picture? Isn’t it saying ‘I have nothing to hide?’” Matthews urged Weiner to resist pressures for his resignation. “He needs to stay the course,” Matthews argued. “Now is not the time to surrender to narrow-minded notions of what constitutes appropriate behavior. People shouldn’t be ashamed of their bodies. We shouldn’t hound out...
  • Former Speaker Predicts Democrats Will Take Back House

    06/06/2011 10:31:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 27 replies
    Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) predicted that the Democrats will win a majority in the 2012 elections because “voters will have tired of Republican efforts to cut spending and resist tax increases.” “The whole ‘Tea Party’ notion that voters oppose taxes is out-of-date by more than 200 years,” Pelosi averred. “The money isn’t going to the King of England. It’s buying Medicare, Social Security, welfare, corporate bailouts, you name it. Voters love these programs. Bigger government is the only way they can be sure that they continue. Republican demands for ‘fiscal sobriety’ require a self-discipline among voters that just...
  • California Dems Kill Bills that Would Scrutinize Their Behavior

    06/06/2011 6:52:27 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Legislation that would increase oversight of legislators’ behavior has been pushed aside by the Democratic majority in the California Assembly. Among the bills torpedoed by the Democratic leadership were one aimed at requiring public officials to disclose their sources of compensation, another would’ve banned receiving of “freebies” from lobbyists, a third would’ve docked legislators’ per diem pay for absences. Robin Swanson, spokeswoman for Assembly Speaker John A. Pérez (D-Los Angeles), defended the deferrals of this reform legislation. “With the economy on the rocks and the state budget in shambles now is not the time to penalize hardworking legislators,” Swanson said....
  • Palin Vacation “Dangerous” Says CBS

    06/05/2011 11:19:24 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 41 replies
    Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin’s family vacation tour of historic sites has attracted hordes of media attention—a situation that CBS News Producer Ryan Corsaro characterizes as “dangerous.” “We’ve been provided with no schedule or itinerary,” Corsaro complained. “We’re forced to stalk her if we want to find out where she’s going and what she’s doing. It’s very aggravating, not to mention dangerous. Every network wants to be first in line to get the best picture, to be close enough to overhear every conversation. Media vehicles are racing with each other, tailgating, weaving in and out of traffic trying to beat...
  • Feds Threaten Indiana over Defunding of Planned Parenthood

    06/05/2011 1:09:08 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) is threatening to withhold federal Medicaid funding to the State after its legislature enacted a law barring Planned Parenthood from receiving state money because some of it would be used to fund abortions. Medicaid Administrator Donald Berwick said, “Indiana’s attempt to block funding for a recognized provider of family planning services conflicts with Administration policy. What is and isn’t covered is determined by the federal government. No state has the authority to deviate from the guidelines mandated by federal policy.” Under federal Medicaid rules, states may bar service providers engaged in criminal...
  • Dems Say No Budget Necessary

    05/30/2011 1:20:45 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) rejected the idea that the federal government should have a budget. “Budgets set limits and create expectations,” Reid pointed out. “They can only serve to hamstring policy and expose the Party to political disadvantage. We’d be fools to fall into that trap.” Senate Budget Committee Chairman Kent Conrad (D-N. Dak) concurred in Reid’s assessment. “The only reason Republicans are clamoring for a budget is so they can cut spending,” Conrad maintained. “We got along without a budget last year. With no budget we can carry on with the spending levels already in place and...
  • Memphis May Turn to Speed Cameras for More Revenue

    05/29/2011 10:57:23 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 20 replies
    Memphis City Council Chairman Myron Lowery is proposing to bridge the city’s budget deficit by boosting yields from traffic fines on speeding. The plan is to add radar guns to existing red-light automated enforcement zones and capture photos of drivers exceeding the posted speed limits. “Look, the overwhelming majority of drivers are speeders,” Lowery observed. “That’s a pretty big potential source of revenue that we could get our hands on.” The National Motorists Association contends that “the majority of drivers speed because the posted limits are set below what they should be. They generate millions of pointless traffic tickets and...

    05/28/2011 10:38:15 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    With Senate passage of the Preventing Real Online Threats to Economic Creativity and Theft of Intellectual Property Act (PROTECT IP), the US government has moved a step closer to total control over the Internet. Under the Act, the government will be authorized to seize domains, block websites and censor search engines. Senator Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont) emphasized that “the bill is merely an extension of existing authority. It is not new censorship.” The extension was deemed necessary because “rogue websites can escape government control by locating outside the United States. This new law will counter this by allowing the government to...
  • Treasury Secretary Says Default May Be Preferred Option If Debt Ceiling Not Raised

    05/14/2011 1:47:42 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner assailed Republican “attempts to hold spending hostage to the debt ceiling issue.” “They’re saying that default isn’t automatic, that we can cut other spending to prevent default,” Geithner said. “We could, but this would force us to prioritize the revenues we have available in ways that we don’t want to. The President’s initiatives on high-speed rail and the ‘green economy,’ for example, may seem expendable to his enemies in Congress. However, the decision on whether to forego paying for such crucial programs or to stop making payments on old debt is at our discretion. We...
  • Attorney General Defends Arming Mexican Drug Cartels

    05/07/2011 5:53:39 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 43 replies
    US Attorney General Eric Holder denied critics’ contention that his Department’s Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (BATFE) scheme of selling military ordinance to Mexican drug cartels was “a stupid idea.” Under the Department’s so-called “Gunwalker” program, surplus military weapons like M-16 and M-4 assault rifles, grenades, and AK-47s captured from foreigners were sold to the cartels by BATFE agents. “These types of criminals are going to get weapons by hook or by crook,” Holder declared. “If they buy them from us two key objectives are attained. First, the Department earns revenue that can be used for other law...
  • President Says Tornadoes May Be a ‘Blessing in Disguise’

    04/30/2011 11:17:46 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 72 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 30 April 2011 | John Semmens
    While commiserating with those who lost loved ones in the recent tornadoes that ravaged much ofAlabama, President Obama urged that “we not overlook the positives of this tragic event. Every structure that was damaged needs repairs—that means jobs. Every piece of personal property that was destroyed will need replacing—that means jobs. Every injury that needs tending, every body that needs burying—means jobs. So, in a way, these storms may be a blessing in disguise for the region’s economy.” “On top of this, there will be ripple effects that will be felt throughout the nation as the spending on repairs and...
  • Birth Certificate “the Last Document” the President Will Be Sharing with the Public

    04/30/2011 1:32:36 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 27 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 30 April 2011 | John Semmens
    Senior White House adviser Valerie Jarrett said that President Obama’s recently unveiled birth certificate “is the last document he will be sharing with the public. It’s bad enough that the ruler of the free world has been mercilessly harassed and humiliated into revealing the most private details of his birth. Demands that he open up other records relating to his academic career will not be honored.” Claiming victory from his efforts to induce President Obama to disclose his birth certificate, real estate tycoon and potential GOP presidential candidate, Donald Trump has turned his attention to Obama’s college records. “I’ve heard...
  • Former Speaker Torn over Importance of Elections

    04/17/2011 5:12:50 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 16 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 16 April 2011 | John Semmens
    Former Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) admitted to mixed feelings over the role elections will play in the future of America. “I know that as a Democrat I’m expected to support democracy,” Pelosi said. “But is democracy an end in itself or merely a means to an end? I mean, it was important that we elected President Obama to rule this country. Now that he is President, though, what further gains could there be from the electoral process? Might not future elections even serve to undermine the changes he’s already implemented?” Pelosi proclaimed herself extremely distressed...
  • Obama Says Failure to Raise Debt Ceiling Will Wreck Global Economy

    04/16/2011 2:18:13 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 16 April 2011 | John Semmens
    President Obama issued a dire prediction of global economic catastrophe should Congress fail to raise the federal government’s debt ceiling. “This is no time for fooling around or playing politics on this critical issue,” Obama declared. “USGovernment spending is the driving force of global prosperity. Without it businesses and individuals would be forced to make their own decisions on what to produce, how to produce it, and where to sell it. We need government to ensure that resources are used wisely and distributed equitably to avert the chaos of unfettered capitalism.” A few examples of capitalistic chaos were cited by...
  • Councilman Argues for Hiring More Ex-Cons

    04/16/2011 8:40:05 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    A Semi-News/Semi-Satire from AzConservative ^ | 16 April 2011 | John Semmens
    Pittsburgh City Councilman Ricky Burgess introduced legislation that would make it easier for persons with a criminal record to be hired by the city. “Most of those with a criminal record are Democrats,” Burgess observed. “Should we really be penalizing our own constituency by excluding them from working for the city?” read more...