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<p>I decided to go scout the Miami Dolphins on Monday, to see how they look this year. This is important, because the Dolphins represent South Florida's manhood, and last season we had the same community testosterone level as the audience for a Barbra Streisand concert. The Dolphins lost 15 games and won only one, which I believe was against Princeton.</p>

<p>When we think of Wisconsin, we think of it as the nation's Heartland -- a placid place where you can park your car anywhere and leave it unlocked, with the key in the ignition, knowing that no matter how long you're gone, when you return your car will be covered with cheese.</p>

Block the road all nite BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 15, 2000.) According to a recent newspaper article that I carefully clipped out and then lost but I remember the gist of, traffic gridlock in the United States is very bad. It's getting to the point where many commuters arrive at work, use the bathroom, then immediately begin commuting home. FACT: The average American commuter whose car radio is tuned to a ''Classic Rock'' station spends more time singing along to the Kiss song ''Rock And Roll All Nite'' than talking with his...

BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 2, 2002.) It's time for another installation of ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the penultimate authority on grammatorical issues; the column that puts the ''p-u'' in punctuation; the only language column that was endorsed by both Jane Austen and William Shakespeare just before they died together in a romantic car crash. Today we regret that we must begin our column with this: TERRORIST THREAT WARNING We have received some alarming information from very high sources in the federal government. Q. How high were they? A. They were wearing their...

BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 5, 2000.) Recently, I had a great idea while waiting on hold for Customer Service. That's pretty much all I do these days: wait for Customer Service. My call is important to them. They have told me this many times in a sincere recorded message. They can't wait to serve me! They will answer my call just as soon as they finish serving the entire population of mainland China. It's my own darned fault that I need to speak to Customer Service. We made a really stupid homeowner...

Get me rewrite! BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 10, 2001.) On behalf of the newspaper industry (new, cost-cutting motto: ''All the News That''), I am announcing some changes we're making to serve you better. When I say ''serve you better,'' I mean ''increase our profits.'' We newspapers are very big on profits these days. We're a business, just like any other business, except that we employ English majors. To help you better understand our current situation, let's review the history of newspaper finances: The earliest known newspaper, published in 59 B.C. in Rome,...

Dave Barry: How your taxes turn into manure Apr. 13, 2008 BY DAVE BARRY Taxpayers: It's almost April 15, and you know what that means. It means the Miami Dolphins already have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. But it's also time to file your federal tax return. Yes, this is a pesky chore, but remember that paying taxes is not a ''one-way street.'' When you send your money to the government, the government, in return, provides you with vital services, such as not putting you in prison. The government also uses your money to pay for programs that benefit...

BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 31, 2000.) Today's topic for homeowners is: how to install a tile floor. Any home decorator will tell you that there is nothing quite like a tile floor for transforming an ordinary room into an ordinary room that has tile on the floor. But if you're like most homeowners, you think that laying tile is a job for the ''pros.'' Boy, are you ever stupid! Because the truth is that anybody can do it! All it takes is a little planning, the right materials and a Fire Rescue...

Dave Barry: Put Florida primary in prime time -- and text in your vote Mar. 21, 2008 I got to thinking about the Florida primary election mess the other night when I was watching TV with my wife. Actually, she was reading a book, because she hates the way I watch TV. I follow Standard Guy Remote Control Procedure (SGRCP), which requires you go to the next channel the instant that the current channel commits one of the Deadly Channel Sins, such as showing a commercial, or people redecorating a house, or Howie Mandel. Anyway, I was whipping through the...

Dave Barry: A journey into my colon -- and yours OK. You turned 50. You know you're supposed to get a colonoscopy. But you haven't. Here are your reasons: 1. You've been busy. 2. You don't have a history of cancer in your family. 3. You haven't noticed any problems. 4. You don't want a doctor to stick a tube 17,000 feet up your butt. Let's examine these reasons one at a time. No, wait, let's not. Because you and I both know that the only real reason is No. 4. This is natural. The idea of having another human,...

This time, music failed to soothe the savage beast BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 11, 2001.) It is a chilling question that we have all asked ourselves: What would we do if, God forbid, we had to get a squirrel out of a piano? This very question confronted an animal-control officer in Fairfax County, Va., recently, according to a news report from the Washington Post sent in by roughly two million alert readers. According to this report, the officer was responding to a report of ''a squirrel running inside a residence.'' When the...

Let's get the (birthday) party started right BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published April 21, 2002.) TODAY'S PARENTING TOPIC IS: Planning a birthday party for your two-year-old child. The first thing you must decide, when planning a birthday party for a two-year-old, is: Should you invite the two-year-old? Because a child that age can put a real damper on a party. And probably your child doesn't really understand that he or she is turning two. One of the best things about small children is that they have no clue how time works. My two-year-old daughter...

The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 22, 2002.) I am not a fan of ballet. Now, before you members of the Dance Community get your leotards in a bunch, let me stress that I KNOW I AM WRONG. I know that ballet is a beautiful artistic form that requires great dedication and skill. I'm just saying that I, personally, would rather watch a dog catch a Frisbee. My problem -- and it's MY problem, NOT ballet's problem -- is that, because I am culturally...

Gender gap is a true gift Dave Barry This is the time of year when a lot of women (by which I mean my wife) complain that women do WAY more holiday stuff than men do. Which is true. On any given day during the holidays, my wife wraps more presents than I have wrapped in my entire life. In terms of cubic footage of stuff wrapped (CFSW), she has basically wrapped the planet Saturn. So she is definitely carrying more than her share of the holiday load. HOWEVER, when she was complaining about we were discussing this today, I...

It was a year that strode boldly into the stall of human events and took a wide stance astride the porcelain bowl of history. It was year in which roughly 17,000 leading presidential contenders, plus of course Dennis Kucinich, held roughly 63,000 debates, during which they spewed out roughly 153 trillion words; and yet the only truly memorable phrase emitted in any political context was ``Don't tase me, Bro!'' It was a year filled with bizarre, insane, destructive behavior, an alarming amount of which involved astronauts. In short, 2007 was a year of deep gloom, pierced occasionally by rays of...

BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Feb. 6, 2000) We have some important news for those of you who've been harboring an urge to eat poinsettias. This news comes from an article in the Harrisburg, Pa., Patriot-News, sent in by alert reader Karen Durkin. The article makes this fascinating statement: ''Despite persistent rumors, poinsettias are NOT poisonous. Ohio State University testing has found that a 50-pound child could eat more than 500 poinsettia bracts with no ill effects other than possibly a sick stomach from eating that much foliage.'' The two questions that immediately come...

Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called “mainstream” media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q’s submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave’s answers. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this. Some sample questions he has answered: Q Dave, there's a museum in Kentucky that claims...

I (cough) was a teenage smoker! BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 17, 1995.) As a ranking national opinion-maker (currently in 1,539th place), I would like to do my part to get teenagers to stop smoking cigarettes. Ready? Here goes: You teenagers stop smoking right now!! There! Did that do the trick? I didn't think so. Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as ``a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.'' I can understand this. I was a young person once, shortly after the...

Great American turkeys BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 17, 1996.) Thanksgiving is a time of traditions, and there is no tradition more meaningful than the annual U.S. Department of Agriculture warning about fatal food-dwelling bacteria. This year, I'm pleased to report, the department has outdone itself: For the first time ever, the department has officially advised Americans not to stuff their turkeys. Many alert readers sent in an Associated Press item in which the manager of the U.S. Department of Agriculture's Meat and Poultry Hot Line -- whose name is (I am not...

'Einstein Gap': It's all relative BY DAVE BARRY Recently, I received a phone call from my son, Rob. It was a phone call that every parent dreads. That's right: My son told me that the universe does not exist. Or at least it does not in any way resemble my concept of it. According to Rob, I understand the universe about as well as a barnacle understands a nuclear aircraft carrier. I blame college. That's where Rob is getting these ideas, which have to do with Einstein's Theory of Relativity and something called ``quantum physics.'' Rob and his roommate, Hal,...

Mr. Language Person: Watch your language BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published 0ctober 25, 1998) At this juncture in the time parameter, we once again proudly present ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the No. 1 rated language column in the United States according to a recent J.D. Power and Associates survey of consumers with imaginary steel plates in their heads. The philosophy of this column is simple: If you do not use correct grammar, people will lose respect for you, and they will burn down your house. So let's stop beating around a dead horse and...

Lost in space BY DAVE BARRY I think I might know where the missile launcher is. I'm referring here to the $1 million missile launcher that our armed forces apparently misplaced, according to a recent audit of the U.S. government (motto: ''We Do Have a Motto, But We Don't Know Where It Is''). You might have missed the news stories about this audit, which didn't get a whole lot of media attention. Way back in 1994, Congress decided that there should be a complete audit of the entire federal government. This seemed like a good idea, since the U.S. government...

The Trojan Twinkie caper BY DAVE BARRY I'll tell you when I start to worry. I start to worry when ''officials'' tell me not to worry. This is why I am very concerned about the following Associated Press report, which was sent to me by a number of alert readers: 'RICHLAND, WASH. -- Radioactive ants, flies and gnats have been found at the Hanford nuclear complex, bringing to mind those Cold-War-era `B' horror movies in which giant mutant insects are the awful price paid for mankind's entry into the Atomic Age. Officials at the nation's most contaminated nuclear site insist...

Feeding your worst fears By DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 29, 1998.) I have received some important information via a letter from Claire Nordstrum, 13, a student in Wisconsin (state motto: "Moo"). Claire states that her science teacher told the class that "it's a proven fact that on average a person eats six spiders in a year." Another science fact this teacher revealed, according to Claire, is that "wood ticks breathe through their butts." This sounds logical to me, since if a wood tick had its whole head burrowed into your body, it wouldn't...

The rubber band man BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Aug. 3, 1997.) If you are a regular reader of this column, you know that I make it my business to report on Stuff That Guys Do. A good example is the sport of snowplow hockey, in which guys driving trucks use their snowplow blades to knock a bowling ball past trucks driven by opposing guys. This is not to be confused with car bowling, in which guys in low-flying airplanes try to drop bowling balls onto junked cars. I've also reported on guys going...

September 19th (every year) is International Talk Like A Pirate Day Tell us how ye plan t'celebrate! [All Hope Abandon, Ye Who Enter Here]   New for Talk Like A Pirate Day 2007: A Li'l Pirate's ABSeas by Ol' Chumbucket, Cap'n Slappy and Jonathan "Pilferin' Pooter" Cooke A piratical romp through the alphabet - with all that impliesRead more, and order the book!... and visit our on-line store for new T-shirt designs for 2007! Got Pirattitude? Order your copy nowFrom the Pirate Guys and Penguin's New American Library  

Does public art make sense? BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 7, 1997.) Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It-consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art. I'm the type of person who will stand in front of a certified modern masterpiece painting that looks, to the layperson, like a big black square, and quietly think: ''Maybe the actual painting is on the other side.'' I especially have a problem with modernistic sculptures, the kind where you, the layperson, cannot be sure whether you're looking at a work of art or a...

Modern medical mysteries BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 8, 1996.) We here at the Bureau of Medical Alarm hope you had a restful, carefree, fun-filled summer. But before you get back into ''the swing of things'' for fall, we'd like to take just a moment to remind you that practically everything can kill you. At the moment, we are particularly concerned about: LATEX GLOVES OF DEATH. We have here a Health Advisory issued June 27 by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (motto: ``We Have Not Yet Determined That Our Motto Is Safe'')....

Bored games BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Jan. 26, 1997.) OK, here's a nostalgia question: What childhood game does this remind you of? ''Colonel Mustard in the library with a candlestick.'' If you answered, ''Spin the Bottle,'' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood. What I'm referring to is, of course, the classic board game ''Clue,'' in which you try to solve a murder by using a logical process of deduction to narrow down the various possibilities until your sister has to go to the bathroom, at which...

Dave's field of nightmares BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 5, 2000.) When I was a boy, playing Little League baseball, I dreamed -- as most boys did back then -- of someday getting a call from the Major Leagues. ''Son,'' I dreamed the Major Leagues would tell me, ''you stink. We're kicking you out of Little League.'' I would have been grateful. I was a terrible player. I was afraid of the ball and fell down a lot, sometimes during the singing of the national anthem. So in 1960, I hung up my...

Lewis and Clark stepped here! BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 14, 1997.) We went West for our summer vacation. Our idea was to follow in the footsteps of the hardy explorers Lewis and Clark, who traveled 8,000 miles through hostile, uncharted wilderness, a feat that was possible only because of their great courage and the fact that they left their children at home. Otherwise, they would have quit after maybe 200 yards. On our trip, we encountered numerous families that, after many hours together in the minivan, had reached Critical Hostility Mass. At...

The ultimate water gun BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 5, 1996.) Just when you're starting to lose hope that the younger generation will ever amount to anything; just when you're asking yourself: ''Where are the leaders of tomorrow? Where is the next John Kennedy, the next John Wayne, the next John Denver, the next John LeMasters, who attended Pleasantville High School with me and was very good at math?''; just when you're starting to think that the most significant contributions that today's young people will make to society will be in the field...

Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 6, 1994.) Recently, I got a very nice computer-generated letter from an outfit called The National Library of Poetry. ''Dear Dave,'' the letter begins. ''Over the past year or so, we have been reviewing the thousands of poems submitted to us, as well as examining the poetic accomplishments of people whose poetry has been featured in various anthologies released by other poetry publishers. After an exhaustive examination of this poetic artistry, The National Library of Poetry has decided to publish a...

Standing up for snakes BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published April 21, 1996.) A question that more and more Americans are asking, as they become increasingly fed up with crime, is: What, exactly, are the legal rights of accused snakes? Consider the case of a snake that recently ran afoul of the law in Virginia. According to a story in the Fredericksburg, Va., Free Lance-Star, written by Keith Epps and sent in by alert reader Venetia Sims, this particular snake, a four-foot Burmese python identified only as ''a Spotsylvania County snake,'' was apprehended by an...

Great moments in science BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 16, 1997.) Settle back, because today I'm going to tell you the dramatic true story of what happened when some Japanese researchers decided to re-create the historic discovery of the law of gravity: As you recall, this discovery occurred in an English orchard in 1666, when, according to legend, Isaac Newton, the brilliant mathematician, fell out of a tree and landed on an apple. No, hold it. Upon reviewing the videotape, I see that in fact the apple fell out of the tree and...

One giant leap for frogkind BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 8, 1997.) Get ready to dance naked in the streets, because scientists have finally done something that humanity has long dreamed about, but most of us thought would never happen within our lifetimes. That's right: They have levitated a frog. I swear I am not making this up. According to an Associated Press article sent in by a number of alert readers, British and Dutch scientists ''have succeeded in floating a frog in air.'' They did this by using magnetism, which, as you...

June 15, 2007 Banning Dave Barry It's funny how things change. Well, not always, but in this case, the story involves one of America's best humor writers -- Dave Barry. There was a time when American universities were known as havens of free speech, places where controversial ideas could be expressed and discussed. Unfortunately, political correctness has crept into the halls of academia. Then it chained the doors and started duct taping the mouths of anybody who voiced unapproved opinions. One of the strangest examples comes from Marquette University in Wisconsin -- where a Dave Barry quip was banned. Last...

The perfect storm BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 9, 2000.) If you're one of the millions of people planning to travel by air this summer, here's some important information from the Association of Commercial Airlines: (Silence.) UH-oh! Apparently the airlines are unable to give us any information at this time! Probably they are experiencing thunderstorms. No institution experiences as many thunderstorms as an airline. Huge, violent clouds surround airline employees at all times. They cannot hold company picnics, because the death toll from lightning strikes would be in the hundreds. If we want...

Shooting carps in Wisconsin BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 25, 2000.) A fundamental belief held by Americans is that if you are on land, you cannot be killed by a fish. This belief has been reinforced by the Steven Spielberg movies ''Jaws,'' ''Jaws II,'' ''Jaws Goes to Porky's'' and ''Saving Private Ryan From Jaws,'' in which the only characters to die were the ones stupid enough to venture into the Atlantic Ocean, where even ankle-deep water often conceals predators the size of Winnebagos. So most Americans remain on land, believing they're safe. Unfortunately,...

Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 31, 1994.) Today's topic for married people is: coping with anger. Even so-called ''perfect couples'' experience conflict. Take Canada geese. They mate for life, so people just assume they get along well; when people see a goose couple flying overhead, honking, they say, ''Oh, that's SO romantic.'' What these people don't realize is that honking is how geese argue. (''Are you SURE we're heading north?'' ''YES, dammit.'' ''Well, I think we should ask somebody.'' ) The only reason they...

Percentage of frogs in food jumps BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 17, 1995.) It's getting worse. When I say ''it,'' I am referring to the worldwide epidemic of frogs showing up in food, which I documented recently, describing two worldwide incidents, one involving a frog baked onto a pretzel, and the other involving a frog in a frozen Chicken Cantonese dinner. When I say ''is getting worse,'' I'm referring to a shocking new development that occurred recently in Orange, Calif., according to a superb story in the Orange County Register, written by Lori...

Welcome to "Ask Mister Language Person," written by the foremost leading world authority on the proper grammatorical usagality of English, both orally and in the form of words. In this award-winning column, which appears nocturnally, we answer the grammar and vocabulary questions that are on the minds of many Americans just before they pass out. Today, as is our wont, we begin with our first question: Q. You have a wont? A. Yes, but we comb our hair such that you cannot see it. Q. With regards to the old spiritual song, "Gwine Jump Down, Turn Around, Pick a Bale...

Mind your P's and Q's and teas BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Feb. 15, 1998.) Recently, I took part in a High Tea, which is a ritualistic British type of light meal involving a large quantity of etiquette. Generally, I do not get involved with any level of tea, even Low Tea. Generally, when I am in the market for an afternoon beverage ritual, the one I select is Cold Beer. But in this case I had High Tea, because I was invited by famous etiquette expert Marjabelle Young Stewart, who is on a...

HOW TO ARGUE EFFECTIVELY I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules: DRINK LIQUOR Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance,...

Loose lips sink sequels BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 31, 1998.) I finally finished the script for the sequel to the movie ''Titanic.'' I am calling it -- and let the legal record show that I thought of this first -- ``Titanic II: The Sequel.'' I am darned proud of this script. I have been working on it, without sleeping or eating, except for two grilled cheese sandwiches, for the better part of the last 35 minutes. I realize that sounds like a lot of work, but bear in mind that writer/director James...

Today's topic is: The Art of Cooking BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Jan. 11, 1998.) Cooking was invented in prehistoric times, when a primitive tribe had a lucky accident. The tribe had killed an animal and was going to eat it raw, when a tribe member named Woog tripped and dropped it into the fire. At first, the other tribe members were angry at Woog, but then, as the aroma of burning meat filled the air, they had an idea. So they ate Woog raw. Yes, cooking can be hazardous. I learned this lesson...

The right to bear cubs DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 24, 1998.) Every now and then somebody thinks up a new idea that is so totally revolutionary that it just totally revolutionizes everything. For example, in 1905 Albert Einstein stunned the scientific community when he announced that ''e'' is equal to ''mc squared.'' Until that point, scientists had no idea what ''e'' was equal to. Oh, sure, they had known since the days of the ancient Egyptians that ''e'' came after ''i,'' except when both letters were preceded by a ''c.'' But nobody had...

Science: It's just not fair BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 22, 1998.) TODAY'S TOPIC FOR YOUNG PEOPLE IS: How To Do A School Science Fair Project. So your school is having a science fair! Great! The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you. Ha-ha! No, seriously, although a science fair can seem like a big ''pain,'' it can help you understand important scientific principles, such as Newton's First Law of Inertia, which states: 'A body at rest...

If you go to the game, you'll miss the show By DAVE BARRY It's Super Bowl Sunday at last. Finally -- after all the hype, all the parties, all the talk -- we will get to see what the Super Bowl is really, in the end, all about: the TV commercials. There will be a lot of them, because the total Super Bowl broadcast package runs longer than the administration of the late Gerald Ford, having begun two weeks ago with the pre -pre -pre -pre-pre-pre-pre-pregame show (Peyton Manning: The Early Bowel Movements). You will not want to miss a...

Welcome to Miami, Super Bowl visitors! You are going to have a wonderful time, from the moment you arrive in our magical city, until the moment you discover that your wallet is missing. I'm kidding! You'll be fine, probably! Because the truth is that Miami is a terrific place, despite the criticisms you may have heard from ignorant yokel blowhards who shall remain nameless, such as U.S. Rep. Tom Tancredo.