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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target. Dear Mrs. UNOWHO, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed...

Robin Williams went out on a limb defending Chicago's Olympic bid, and now Rio de Janeiro wants to sue him. Williams told David Letterman during an appearance on the Late Show that he wasn't surprised Rio won the bid instead of Chicago. "Chicago sent Oprah and Michelle Obama," Williams said. "Rio sent 50 Strippers and a pound of blow. It wasn't really fair, you know?" Williams' comments have been replayed several times on news shows across Brazil on Tuesday, while city mayor Eduardo Paes says Williams is envious of Rio's achievement.

For everyone who didn't vote for Obama, "Happy Thanksgiving!" For all those who did vote for him, "Enjoy your Turkey!"

STOP THE PRESSES! After doing a search on a number of links to the controversial emails which have been leaked or hacked from the Hadley Climate Research Center, it has been discovered that they are most likely FAKE. An examination of the emails in detail shows that they used proportional fonts, which were not available at the time of George Bush's stint in the Texas Air National Guard. "He played on our FEARS!" thundered a visibly upset Al Gore, screaming from a prepared statement. "He BETRAYED THIS COUNTRY!" Mary Mapes was unavailable for comment.

The View ladies laughed uncomfortably at an awkward rape joke made by Modern Family's Sofia Vergara. It's the most uncomfortable 22 seconds of TV we've seen in a while, and this letter sums up everything they need to hear.

My job was SAVED today. I billed a client for work I DID! I hope and know that many of you Saved yours today also.

McCain standard bearer and “conservative” columnist David Brooks launched his own salvo at actual conservative Sarah Palin on ABC’s This Week, joining other bitter RINOs who have attacked the former Alaska governor in recent days. If I may channel Chandler Bing for a moment: “Can he be any more elitist?” Perhaps Brooks hasn’t seen the Amazon sales lists, the thousands attending her book signings, or, for that matter, the book sales list published by his own worthless rag. Remember, folks, this is the same guy who talked about how great John McCain was as a candidate and the very same...

So the family takes a vacation this week to Disney (no escaping it for me) and one of the highlights is the "Alladin" stage production. really pretty cool. At one point, just after Jafar (the bad guy) captures the magic lamp, Genie says: "Hey, Jafar, why are you so angry looking? Why the long face? I mean, I just made you Sultan, and you didn't even earn it!... What do you want next, a NOBEL PEACE PRIZE?"The place erupted. The crowd definitely "got it" and we were laughing so hard (this is what, 2000 people?) that they delayed the next...

Old Butch John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John's favourite rooster, old Butch,...

Washington is "concerned"

I just don't have the words for this one, other than, yea, he won all right, Nobel PIECE Prize. He's a PIECE of work. This man has got to be one of the most arrogant men I have ever seen. To think that after not even a full year of playing Senator that he was capable of running a country and a military, he has got to be a real PIECE of work. To think that after only twelve days in office he deserved the recognition of what the Nobel Peace Prize is supposed to recognize, he has got to...

The most popular headline at the Real Clear Politics Web site the other day was: "Is Obama Becoming A Joke?" With brilliant comedic timing, the very next morning the Norwegians gave him the Nobel Peace Prize. Up next: His stunning victory in this year's Miss World contest. Dec. 12, Johannesburg. You read it here first. For what, exactly, did he win the Nobel? As the president himself put it: "When you look at my record, it's very clear what I have done so far. And that is nothing. Almost one year and nothing to show for it. You don't believe...

Everyone is saying how Obama is like Hitler, I disagree, Hitler as least got the Olympics in Berlin in 1936.

Republicans have been ready with criticism for President Barack Obama's overnight journey to Copenhagen, where the president today pressed Chicago's case for the 2016 Olympic Summer Games -- playing booster, as the Republican National Committee put it this morning, for Obama's "Chicago Fat Cat Friends.'' RNC Chairman Michael Steele, Sen. Kit Bond of Missouri and then House Republican Leader John Boehner of Ohio all have questioned the president's priorities. And even as the president and First Lady Michelle Obama were leaving Copenhagen this morning following their appeal to the International Olympic Committee, the Republican National Committee was circulating an email...

Well, since 8/25 actually... (Hey, my email is on a roll)

Iran is stonewalling the U.N. nuclear watchdog on "possible military dimensions" to its suspect nuclear program, officials said Friday, urging the regime to clarify the mysterious role of a foreign explosives expert and shed light on other issues.

U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled...

<p>Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.</p>

The President: One hundred and eighty-three days ago the Democratic Party, and my personal body slaves the hack media, brought forth on this continent, a new Won-derful, conceived in Hawaii (so I am told), and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal but some are more equal than others. Now we are engaged in a great boondoggle of bills, testing whether that nation, or any nation so confused and so eviscerated, can long endure trillions of dollars in debt while the slacktard half of the population pays nothing in taxes for their government cheese.

Video: http://butasforme.com/2009/07/16/video-jimmy-kimmel-pokes-fun-at-obamas-first-pitch-at-all-star-game-man-up-mr-president/

Q. Why doesn't Obama pray? A. It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed. Q. Why won't Obama Messiah release his real birth certificate? A. It got mixed in with his Rezko mortgage records and shredded. Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate? A. He accidentally smoked it. Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself? A. Because it would be racist. Anagram: President Barack Hussein Obama = A Democrat speaks inane rubbish Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common? A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon. Q. Why doesn’t Barack drink Pepsi?...

Cop taped beating Chicago bartender gets probation By DON BABWIN Associated Press Writer CHICAGO (AP) -- An off-duty Chicago police officer convicted of pummeling a female bartender half his size was sentenced Tuesday to two years probation and anger management classes for the videotaped attack that appeared worldwide on the Internet and cable news channels.

Watch, http://www.butasforme.com/2009/06/19/joke-of-the-week-jimmy-kimmel-mocks-the-obama-fly-or-fart/

June 18, 2009 — A picture of colorfully-plumed dinosaurs graces an article on National Geographic, but were feathers found with the fossil? No; the article said, “Primitive feathers may have covered the dinosaur’s body, but there is no direct evidence for that, noted [James] Clark, whose work was funded in part by the National Geographic Society” (which also owns National Geographic News). The feathers are apparently completely imaginary. National Geographic has been caught doing this before...

10.) Never fixed that annoying gap between his teeth. 9.) Larry “Bud” Melman never really liked Dave. 8.) Dave is still bitter about not getting the “Tonight Show.” 7.) Jay Leno kicked his butt. 6.) Letterman hasn’t been cool since “Walk like an Egyptian” by the Bangles was at the top of the charts. 5.) He’s bald.

To add to Aye's post here is the video of Letterman's "apology" [video at site]Yeah, he actually meant to "joke" about the 18 year old Bristol having sex with a baseball player rather then 14 year old Willow bring raped (statutory). Makes sense right seeing as how Bristol was NOT at the game he referenced but Willow was. Give me a break. His exact words: One awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game, during the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez. Nope, no confusing that one no matter how much he lies in an...

An American, a Japanese and a Canadian were sitting naked in a sauna when suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager he said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

As we all know, the Obama administration seems to have solidified the direction of fuel economy and emissions regulations for the next decade. An automaker’s “fleet average” - i.e. the average fuel economy of all the vehicles an automaker sells adjusted by sales volume - must be 35.5 mpg by 2016 (up from 2009’s fleet requirement of 25 mpg). At first blush, this looks like a death sentence for big powerful trucks like the Tundra.

TORONTO (Reuters) – Former U.S. Presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton traded jokes about life after the Oval Office and took turns defending each other as they shared a stage in Toronto on Friday to discuss global affairs. In a sold-out event billed as their first conversation on stage since they left office, Bush and Clinton disagreed politely about a couple of issues, backed each other on others and refused to criticize anything current President Barack Obama was doing. Bush's vice president, Dick Cheney, has emerged as one of Obama's toughest critics and the staunchest defender of the Bush...

What did you think of Obama's crack about former Vice President Dick Cheney? Thumbs up Thumbs down And 2 other questions

When the new administration took over Washington and our smiling, community activist, leader took the oath of office, the chuckles began as we witnessed the most expensive inauguration in US history and the start of the transformation of America. I giggled -- initially. This idol-worshipped man with absolutely no background or experience became our new President. I laughed at how America had been taken for a ride. When the President embarrassed America with his lame gift to the British Prime Minister, it was so sad it was funny. I giggled under my breath. When the One could not convey any...

***NEWS FLASH ***Washington (AP) In a surprise move today, the Obama Administration announced newly proposed rules that prohibit food from being grown in dirt because of the danger of salmonella contamination.Although alternative technologies don’t yet exist to replace dirt, and hundreds of millions people in the United States are likely to perish from starvation in the next few years, the Obama Administration said that a few people died last year from food contaminated with salmonella and that drastic action was therefore necessary to protect the American public from unsafe food. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs added that the...

<p>When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.</p> <p>I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying, “Hello”. I politely said, “This is Fred Hanifin. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?” Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.</p>

A deckhand on a charter boat full of school children choked to death on a bait fish he had put in his mouth as a joke.

For months, this newspaper has opposed President Obama's bold, forward-thinking agenda. What a colossal mistake. We realize now that we were merely clinging to the discredited ideas of the past. Holding on to disposable relics like tradition, religion and the Constitution only delays the glorious new world that awaits us all. President Obama has shown America a bright, glimmering future full of widely shared prosperity and national nice-to-each-otherness. Only by universally embracing the President's vision can this nation succeed and prosper. Resistance will bring nothing but social distortion, widespread panic and madness. President Obama has shown us all that to...

What does it mean to be a liberal in America or, for that matter, anywhere else around the Western world? I have often asked myself the question. But have yet to get together a list of what “values” actually encapsulate the term. Well, here is my shot at it.

Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm said she won't apologize to Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin for her crack at last weekend's Gridiron Dinner that the former Republican vice presidential candidate "really set back the cause of hot governors."

(2009-03-22) — With the debate over AIG executive bonuses nearly bringing official Washington to a standstill in the past three weeks, the Obama administration today expanded its plan to control Wall Street executive pay, adding provisions to limit compensation for star performers in the National Football League (NFL), National Basketball Association (NBA) and Major League Baseball (MLB).“Some of these sports stars, like AIG execs, have negotiated sweetheart deals paying them millions of dollars, and yet they lose games,” said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs. “The president shares the outrage of the American people at these obscene salaries and bonuses. There’s...

PRESIDENT OBAMA'S January was filled with historic heal ing, euphoria and jubilation. February was all bright hope amid grim realities. March? This is Obama's March of Madness. The economy lies in ruin. A sea of debt is rising around us. And our hard-earned money is going by the millions into the pockets of the very people whose shortsighted greed got us into this fix in the first place. In swift response, Obama is busy spending billions, packing on even more debt, raising taxes and crying helplessly about all the wealth that's being redistributed from our little paychecks into fat bonuses...

P>Jimmy Fallon, who was voted by his elementary school class as "Most Likely to Replace David Letterman," debuted last night in the spot vacated by the man who actually did take over, Conan O'Brien. It was pretty predictable stuff, right down to laughing at his own jokes before he even finishes them, but I enjoyed his interviews and hijinx with Bob DeNiro and Justin TImberlake. I wish him well.(See clips and such at these links: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/29469658/ and http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/ )But I have to give him kudos for doing something during his monologue that others seem incapable of -- telling a joke that actually cuts at...

..The United States government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the governments political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed....

Barack Obama wants to cut the federal deficit in half by the end of his first term, mostly by scaling back Iraq war spending, raising taxes on the wealthiest and streamlining government, an administration official said Saturday as the president worked to finalize his first budget request.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----- My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----- When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so,...

Some 250 teenage boys will pile onto the carpet of the Islamic Center of Passaic County on Sunday to catch the Super Bowl on a big screen. But when the much-buzzed-about commercials come on, they won't be watching. A youth leader manning the projector slaps a piece of paper over the lens, blocking out images the center considers inappropriate, such as beers and bikinis. "The purpose is to keep them away from bad influences," said Emad Hamdeh, the youth committee director. "The beer commercials show people happy while drinking; that's not reality." During the self-imposed blackouts, the boy fans don't...

Obama's first week The POTUS tells a hilarious joke. A video, most of us Freepers already know this, but you should email it out to those who don't!

If anyone needed more proof that Democrats are children who truly don’t understand how the world works, the selection of lifelong party hack Leon Panetta as the new Director of the Central Intelligence Agency should blow away all doubt. Barack Obama indicated he picked Panetta because he is thought of as a good manager who understands government bureaucracy. The unspoken “attributes” Panetta brings are his naïve objections to the methods of modern spying and counter intelligence operations. His pronouncement that America “must not use torture under any circumstances” elevates his selection from stupid to dangerous. To a Democrat lawyer who...

Former California congressman and Clinton aide has little experience with spy agencies. Sen. Dianne Feinstein, incoming chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee, indicates she might oppose the pick. Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.), who this week begins her tenure as the first female chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee, said today that she was not consulted on the choice and indicated she might oppose it. "I was not informed about the selection of Leon Panetta to be the CIA director," Feinstein said. "My position has consistently been that I believe the agency is best served by having an intelligence professional in...

MINNEAPOLIS -- The state Canvassing Board was poised to certify the results of the recount in Minnesota's grueling Senate election in Al Franken's favor -- but that doesn't mean the race is definitely over. The board was to meet Monday and was expected to declare which candidate received the most overall votes from nearly 3 million ballots cast. The latest numbers showed Franken, a Democrat, with a 225-vote lead over Republican Sen. Norm Coleman. But after the announcement, there will be a seven-day waiting period before an election certificate is completed. If any lawsuits are filed during that waiting period,...

CHICAGO - The ongoing corruption probe into Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich took a dramatic turn this evening, as federal agents working for US Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald announced that they had seized the governor's eBay account. It is as yet unknown how the latest seizure will effect the outcome of the case.