Free Republic

Obama notes things hard to find, keep: 'love and a birth certificate' By Bridget Johnson and Kevin Bogardus - 05/01/10 10:41 PM ET President Barack Obama took shots at his poll drops, birthers, death panels, and Arizona's new immigration law on Saturday night. Obama opened for comedian Jay Leno at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, noting that Leno was the "only person whose ratings fell more than mine. "I'm also glad I'm speaking first, because we've all seen what happens when someone takes the time slot after Leno," Obama said in reference to the Conan O'Brien "Tonight Show" fiasco....

The late night jokes about President Bush are part of the history of the nation that was seeking comfort and somebody to blame after Katrina. Let’s take a trip back in time and check if the same jokes can give us comic relief today when Louisiana is facing new environmental disaster. "Finally today convoys of troops and aid started to arrive along the Gulf Coast. Five days after the hurricane hit. Kind of makes you miss the innocent days when Bush only sat on his ass for seven minutes. It only took him four days to make a plan,...

I voted Democrat because…... I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my horse. I voted Democrat because… I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't. I voted Democrat because… I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would. I voted Democrat because… Freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it. I voted Democrat because… When we pull out of...

Iceland to Europe: Do you lava me like I lava you?The last wish of the Icelandic economy was to have its ashes scattered over Europe. UK is grounded and this time it is not by Obama.Hiring volcanologists! Call UBL. Eyjafjallajokull is erupting only twice a year: April through September and October through March.Gordon Brown asked for cash, but there is no C in the Icelandic alphabet. My house is covered with dust with a stench of sulfur. Do you live in Iceland? Nope… still married. Redundant aircraft was spotted miraculously flying over the North Pole. Santa? Nope… the Russian Aeroflot...

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree - and think 25 to life would be appropriate. Jay Leno America needs Obama-Care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. Jay Leno Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. Conan O'Brian Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. Jay Leno Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society....

People should post their favorite joke on a thread.

In a demonstration of Hollywood's quintessentially intolerant hatred of conservatives, film critic Roger Ebert took to the Twitterverse on Saturday to mock Rush Limbaugh and his sudden trip to a Hawaii hospital (h/t Big Hollywood headlines). Ebert was hardly alone in rejoicing Limbaugh's hospital visit--and distressed when he was given a clean bill of health.

Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes? A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes. Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment? A: It stands between him and the First. Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp? A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish. Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama? A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth. Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund...

Let 'em begin:

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one. What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards. Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par. What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

I've been receiving a lot of cute Halloween jokes and wonder if all you FReepers are getting them also.Here are a few that I like: "> "> "> ">

Obama Jokes Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes? A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes. Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment? A: It stands between him and the First. Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp? A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish. Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama? A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth. Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A:...

MONTREAL — As George W. Bush joked with a business crowd inside a historic hotel ballroom Thursday, hundreds of people outside the room cheered while he was being burned in effigy. Police in riot gear and others on horseback held back a crowd of hundreds, including several people who tossed shoes at the Queen Elizabeth hotel in a demonstration of disdain for the man speaking inside. Two protesters tried forcing their way through the line of shield-and baton-carrying police, were wrestled to the ground, and arrested. Ironically, this anti-war protest took place outside the same hotel where the ultimate anti-war...

"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." -Conan O'Brien --- Q. Why did Jay Leno vote for Barack Obama? A. Because he was running out of George Bush jokes. Q. Why did David Letterman vote for Barack Obama? A. Because he was running out of Jay Leno's George Bush jokes. --- A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The...

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the PopeMobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless liberal wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of an 8-foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of conservatives, wearing 'Palin 2012' shirts, came racing up. One quickly fired...

- Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes? A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes. - Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment? A: It stands between him and the First. - Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp? A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish. - Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama? A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth. - Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a...

SARAROGHA, Pakistan – Flanked by heavily armed fighters, the new leader of the Pakistani Taliban sat on a blue blanket, amiable and relaxed as he cracked jokes and mixed in threats of vengeance for deadly U.S. airstrikes. One day later, a suicide bomber attacked a U.N. office in Islamabad. Hakimullah Mehsud met with reporters Sunday for the first time since winning control of the militant group, quashing speculation that he had been slain in a succession struggle following the killing of his predecessor in a U.S. drone attack. He also described his group's relationship to al-Qaida as one of "love...

Alleged comedian Bill Maher followed in the footsteps of shock jock Don Imus with a "ho" joke, this one targeting Michelle Obama. It came in the context of Maher accusing DRUDGE of "subliminal racism" by posting a headline that read "Poll Hell: Obama Negs Rise." After trying to stretch "Negs" to represent the "n" word, provoking laughter from only a few among his audience, Maher showed several ficticious DRUDGE headlines. One fine one displayed Michelle Obama working with a garden tool in what may have been a ceremonial tree planting. The made-up caption read "Hoein' The Garden." That provoked groans...

When I was a young teenager, I would like to pick up Reader’s Digest and steal a joke from the digest to share with others. I imagined myself a Johnny Carson. Of course that was long time ago, and now I am excited about Jay Leno’s new show and have marked down the date so that I can record the show for a keepsake to share with others. Lately I heard that Reader’s Digest is going bankrupt. Not sure of all the details, but it this came to mind when I noticed a Reader’s Digest for sale at the check...

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams 2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain 3. Suppose you were an idiot.. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain 4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and...

Ed Klein, former editor for Newsweek and New York Times Magazine, was a close personal friend of Ted Kennedy and decided to share some memories of the late Senator on The Diane Rehm Show. KLEIN: I don't know if you know this or not, but one of his favorite topics of humor was indeed Chappaquiddick itself. And he would ask people, "Have you heard any new jokes about Chappaquiddick?" That is just the most amazing thing. It's not that he didn't feel remorse about the death of Mary Jo Kopechne, but that he still always saw the other side of...

This isn't an accusation from Ted Kennedy's political opponents, but a nostalgic remembrance by one of his friends. Ed Klein, former Newsweek editor, tells the Diane Rehm Show: "I dont know if you know this or not, but one of his favorite topics of humor was indeed Chappaquiddick itself. And he would ask people, have you heard any new jokes about Chappaquiddick? That is just the most amazing thing. Its not that he didnt feel remorse about the death of Mary Jo Kopechne, but that he still always saw the other side of everything and the ridiculous side of things,...

One of Sen. Ted Kennedy's favorite topics of humor was the incident at Chappaquiddick Island, Mass., in 1969 in which he drove off a bridge and left behind a 28-year-old woman who drowned, according to a biographer who reminisced about the iconic Democrat on a Washington, D.C., talk show this morning. Edward Klein, speaking to WAMU guest host Katty Kay, said one of Kennedy's "favorite topics of humor was, indeed, Chappaquiddick." "He would ask people, 'Have you heard any new jokes about Chappaquiddick?'" said Klein, a former Newsweek foreign editor and former editor in chief of the New York Times...

On the day of Senator Kennedy's death, this site published an article about the Democrats exploiting the Senator's death to push Obamacare. The title of the article, "Lets Kill Grandma for Teddy Kennedy," was met with some derision as some readers felt that it did not pay proper respect for the dead. The gallows humor sometimes displayed on this site is nothing compared to what the Senator used himself. Apparently one of his favorite humor subjects was Chappaquiddick, the incident 40 years ago where the Senator drove off a bridge, saved himself and allowed a young woman to die in...

Kennedy Friend Recalls How Much He Loved to Joke About Chappaquiddick http://www.breitbart.tv/kennedy-friend-recalls-how-much-he-loved-to-joke-about-chappaquiddick/

Sorry....Ted Kennedy is a monster, no other way to describe him. Here is one of his close friends, former editor of Newsweek and New York Times Magazine Ed Klein describing one of the favorite kind of jokes Mr. Kennedy enjoyed: [VIDEO AT SITE] I don’t know if you know this or not, but one of his favorite topics of humor was indeed Chappaquiddick itself. And he would ask people, “have you heard any new jokes about Chappaquiddick?” That is just the most amazing thing. It’s not that he didn’t feel remorse about the death of Mary Jo Kopechne, but that...

From Kennedy’s close friend Ed Klein: I don’t know if you know this or not, but one of his favorite topics of humor was indeed Chappaquiddick itself. And he would ask people, “have you heard any new jokes about Chappaquiddick?” That is just the most amazing thing. It’s not that he didn’t feel remorse about the death of Mary Jo Kopechne, but that he still always saw the other side of everything and the ridiculous side of things, too. Hear audio here

Comedian sued over mother-in-law jokes Tuesday, August 25, 2009 1:50 PM By John Rogers ASSOCIATED PRESS LOS ANGELES -- "Take my mother-in-law -- please," isn't a joke you're likely to hear often these days from Sunda Croonquist. The veteran comic is being sued by her mother-in-law after making her the punchline of too many jokes.

I started a site dedicated to making fun of liberals, but I need help finding jokes about liberals, Obama specifically, politically related jokes, etc. I'll start things out with a couple: Q: What’s the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo? A: Bo has papers. Q. Why doesn’t Barack drink Pepsi? A. He thinks that things go better with coke. The Department of Defense briefed the president this morning. They told President Obama that two Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. Visibly shaken, he put his head in his hands and rocked from side to side for a moment. Finally,...

U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled...

This is from an e-mail I recieved: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians; it creates a hostile work environment. This joke is from notoriouslyconservative.com, but I also have a jokes site, dedicated to making fun of Obama and liberals, http://makingfunofliberals.blogspot.com/

There are no really good Obama jokes out there, they are just too hard to find. I would like to have some funny ones to post on my site (notoriouslyconservative.com), so please share your best jokes. No racist ones though, we don't want the thread shut down.

Q. Why doesn't Obama pray? A. It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed. Q. Why won't Obama Messiah release his real birth certificate? A. It got mixed in with his Rezko mortgage records and shredded. Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate? A. He accidentally smoked it. Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself? A. Because it would be racist. Anagram: President Barack Hussein Obama = A Democrat speaks inane rubbish Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common? A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon. Q. Why doesn’t Barack drink Pepsi?...

Video: http://butasforme.com/2009/07/16/video-jimmy-kimmel-pokes-fun-at-obamas-first-pitch-at-all-star-game-man-up-mr-president/

Letterman's defense of his rape jokes are about as sincere as Barack Hussein Obama's Christian claims. He's only playing the usual liberal "CYA" routine because he now realized that these jokes belonged in the humor section of Teen Rape Monthly Along with the realization that that he and the world know damn well he would never get away with telling such sick jokes about any liberal petri dish created children, and even in apologizing he still mocks the Palin family and middle America. 2 Video's contained in original Letterman Apology.Zeigler Brewer interview

Wednesday, June 10, 2009 NY Times Airbrushes Letterman's Willow Palin Sex Jokes From Their Website Shocker! The New York Times and CBS airbrushed David Letterman's Willow Palin sex jokes from their website: Here's what The New York Times wrote: ‘The Newest Nominee’ Monologue | Aired Monday night on CBS: You know who was in town this weekend, went to a Yankee game? Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska. And she was up there with Rudy Giuliani. They were sitting together. And their seats were, well, let me tell you where their seats were. They were way, way in far right field....

Actor Alec Baldwin's joke about getting a Filipino mail-order bride provoked a sharp response in the Philippines, with one senator saying Monday that the "30 Rock" star faces violence if he ever visits. Baldwin, 51, who is divorced with a teenage daughter, said in a May 12 interview on "The Late Show" with David Letterman that he would love to have more children. The Emmy-winning actor quipped that he was "thinking about getting a Filipino mail-order bride at this point ... or a Russian one."

In a time of economic crisis, and in the absence of effective political opposition, there is derision — of those in power, especially the king. That is not to say that revolution is around the corner, but simply that humor punctures power and helps to cure a sense of powerlessness. This elected king, the French president, Nicolas Sarkozy, with his aggressive personality, is a seemingly endless fount of material for the satirists, whose increasing boldness is a sign of deeper unhappiness with the government as it struggles with rising unemployment and worker anger. “We comedians are lucky to have someone...

It was once said that an African-American would become president "when pigs fly." Well, 100 days into the Obama presidency... Swine Flu! Tip o'the hat to Susanna, Borat, Allen, Teresa and Jill A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above...

I know some jokes, but I don't know any good political jokes!! Could everyone post some good jokes here? Thanks, A_cool_guy

How about a thread to list the various April Fools jokes we've found/will find today?

Scientists have explained why the best jokes are the hardest to remember, while the worst are easily called to mind. The greatest jokes work by subverting usual thought patterns, making them less memorable but funnier, according to new research. A final twist and surprise in the joke makes us remember the punchline, but forget the run-up to the gag. In contrast, the structure and punchlines of cliched gags are so predictable it makes them easy to recall. Robert Provine, professor of psychology at Maryland University, who is writing a book on laughter, said: "What makes a joke successful is also...

Do you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated? This was written on a hand held sign at the Tea Party in Columbia MO. Nancy and Barack, sittin' in a tree, P-O-R-K-I-N-G. Even though Obama is letting all the terrorists go free, he plans to keep the Guantánamo Bay Detention Camp active by filling it with AIG executives. Barack Hussein Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, where did you get that?" The parrot says, "Kenya." The new Obama...

How To Tell If You're An Extreme Redneck..... It's time to lighten up a bit and take a break from the stress of reality for a bit and laugh. 1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night. 5. You wonder how service stations keep...

Clint Eastwood thinks political correctness has ruined society’s sense of humor. And he was just warming up. He also accused younger generations of wasting their time trying to avoid being offensive. He told the Daily Express that he should be able to tell harmless racial or ethnic jokes without being branded “a racist”...

Its hard to get an automobile in the soviet union. They are owned mainly by elite bureaucrats. It takes an average of 10 years to get a car. 1 out of 7 families owned automobiles. You have to go through a major process and put the money out in advance. so this man did this and the dealer said "okay in 10 years come get your car." "Morning or afternoon?" The man replied. "well what difference does it make?" Said the dealer. "The plumber is coming in the morning." [snip] In another car incident, Gorbachev was late from getting to...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----- My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----- When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so,...

Writers for the Daily Show, Colbert and Letterman concur: Obama presidency will lead to the end of comedy

Writers for late-night television shows, including The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, have lamented recently that they would love to bust President-elect Barack Obama's chops more. But fear of a politically correct backlash and a lack of major stumbles to date on Obama's part make him a tough topic. Stand-up comedians, though, say Obama is fair game. ''Those TV writers have to worry about ratings. They don't like boos or groans from the audience. We thrive off of it,'' said Lisa Lampanelli, a comic famous for her no-topic-is-off-limits policy, and her obsession with...

Q: How many Obama voters does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Hoping that it would change is quite enough. Q: How many autoworkers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 17 at GM, Ford and Chrysler; 1 at Honda, Hyundai and Toyota. Q: How many Chicago pols does it take to change a lightbulb? A: F--- you, what am I gettin' outta this? Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It's burnt out on the Republican side, so we're not changing it. Q: How many MSM journalists does it take to...