Keyword: satire

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  • Sessions Will Not Be Senate Budget Committee Chairman [satire]

    12/24/2014 9:55:20 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala) will not be the incoming chairman of the Senate Budget Committee. He has been pushed aside in favor of Sen. Mike Enzi (R-Wyo) despite having served as the top Republican on the committee for the past four years. “It came down to a simple question of who was acceptable to President Obama,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) said. “While Senator Sessions has served competently while our Party was in the minority, the President has made it clear that someone more agreeable must man this vital post going forward.” “The time for contesting the priorities of...
  • President’s Change in Cuban Policy Called “First Step” [satire]

    12/23/2014 8:28:15 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Congressman Charlie Rangel (D-NY) hailed President Obama’s move to reestablish diplomatic relations with Cuba as “inspired leadership that has made me proud to be an American.” “For too long a succession of white presidents has oppressed this small, racially diverse island nation,” Rangel contended. “It took a Black man to right this wrong.” Rangel said he hopes that “diplomatic recognition is the just the first step. We need to make reparations for the 50 years of suffering the US Government has imposed on the Cuban people.” The Congressman said he “would support legislation aimed at providing food, housing, and other...
  • University Students Sign Petition to Deport Citizens [satire]

    12/22/2014 9:30:24 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Two-thirds of the George Washington University students who were asked to sign a petition calling for Americans to be deported in order to make room for illegal immigrants to reside in the country did so. “The ones we’ve labeled as ‘illegal immigrants’ have just as much right to be here as anyone,” said political science major Adelle Pated. “I mean, as a nation of immigrants, the recent arrivals are probably more representative of what this country is all about than the people born here.” “Deporting anti-social segments of the citizenry to balance out the population flow makes ecological sense,” contended...
  • US Nuclear Disarmament 85% Accomplished [satire]

    12/21/2014 8:13:29 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    The State Department’s Under-Secretary for Arms Control and International Security, Rose Gottemoeller, proudly bragged to a Brookings Institution gathering that “our progress toward total nuclear disarmament is now 85% of the way there. If we can maintain the pace, our last nuclear device will be moth-balled before President Obama completes his term.” Gottemoeller asserted that “it is our fervent hope that our example will inspire others to follow suit” and maintained that “a nuclear-free world will be a safer world.” Whether either of these aspirations would bear out is unknown. Prior to the dawn of the nuclear age less potent...
  • Sony Gives Sharpton Say So on Future Movie Releases [satire]

    12/20/2014 1:32:01 PM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    In an effort to undo some of the damage from the release of embarrassing internal emails by hackers angry over the movie "The Interview," Sony executive Amy Pascal agreed to let race expert Al Sharpton have the final say on any future movies the firm makes. Although not a party to the hacking, per se, Sharpton castigated Sony for "it's extreme racial bias in the way this controversial film was made. Blacks were excluded from all the major roles. I don't buy the idea that a movie about a Korean dictator isn't a good fit for Black actors. If Jamie...
  • Homeland Security Advises Bigger, Stronger Fence [satire]

    12/20/2014 7:13:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Citing the “dire threat” posed by uninvited intruders, the US Department of Homeland Security is recommending a substantial investment in improved fencing for the White House. “As it stands right now, hostile elements can easily breach the meager barrier that the current fence around the White House presents,” Secretary Jeh Johnson complained. “This is as grave a threat to our nation and its government as could exist. We must take steps to seal off the ease of ingress as a matter of national security.” Administration critics juxtaposed Johnson’s alarm over the inadequacy of the White House fence with his more...
  • Judge Says President's Executive Action on Immigration Unconstitutional [satire]

    12/19/2014 3:49:54 PM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 19 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Judge Arthur Schwab of the Western District of Pennsylvania ruled that portions of President Obama's unilateral action on illegal immigrants violate the US Constitution's separation of powers. “The alleged grounds of prosecutorial discretion are inadequate to support the totality of what he has tried to do,” Schwab said. “He can decline to prosecute these lawbreakers. That is the limit of his discretion. He does not have the authority to issue them identity papers that would make them eligible for employment or government benefits that existing law prohibits.” Democratic U.S. Senators Dick Durbin (Ill) and Richard Blumenthal (Conn) contend that Schwab...
  • Venezuelan President Calls American Oil Fracking “Act of Aggression” [satire]

    12/18/2014 9:28:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    With his country’s economy on the ropes due to declining oil prices, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro blamed the United States oil fracking industry. “It is an act of aggression against my country and a crime against humanity,” Maduro maintained. “Venezuela needs high oil prices to support our programs to feed our people. These frackers are destroying our ability to feed ourselves.” While most economists see falling fuel prices as beneficial for the vast majority of consumers, Maduro complained that “most of the beneficiaries are rich, white Americans. Saving them money at our cost is a direct attack on my government’s...
  • Congressman Demands Investigation of FDIC “Choke Point” Policy [satire]

    12/17/2014 9:38:51 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Rep. Blaine Luetkemeyer (R-Mo) is demanding an investigation of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation’s “Operation Choke Point” practices. Under these practices, the FDIC pressured banks to freeze or close accounts of businesses that the US Department of Justice designated as “anti-social enterprises.” Among the businesses targeted by DOJ are firearms sellers, coin dealers, and pharmaceutical sales. Martin Gruenberg, chairman of the FDIC, admitted that “while these businesses are not illegal, per se, the president has made it very clear that they are outside the boundary of the type of businesses he thinks we ought to have in our society. There...
  • Ferguson Rioters Object to Time Magazine Decision [satire]

    12/16/2014 3:46:20 PM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Time magazine’s editors’ selection of the Ebola fighters as the recipients of the publication’s annual “person of the year” designation greatly riled some of the leaders of the Ferguson, Missouri riots. “It’s just another case demonstrating that Black lives don’t matter,” complained arsonist Monte Burns. “An innocent Black man was shot down on our streets. Now a white magazine is trying to sweep that under the rug by pushing a story about some germs.” “The Ebola fighters haven’t done anything to help right the social injustices that plague America,” insisted Ferguson looter Robbie Moore. “We’re taking direct action to redistribute...
  • Illegal Immigrant Sues Border Patrol [satire]

    12/15/2014 8:46:35 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Illegal immigrant Jose Manuel Marino-Najera has filed suit against the US Border Patrol for dog bite injuries he sustained during his arrest. Marino-Najera was among a group of immigrants smuggling marijuana across the border. He is alleging that his human rights were violated. “Those border guards disobeyed their own President Obama,” Marino-Najera declared. “He says I have a right to go where I want. They should have given me food and water, not sicced their dogs on me.” Marino-Najera’s lawyer Susan Horschidt claims that “the trauma my client experienced has given him nightmares that have ruined his life. No amount...
  • [Satire] NY Governor Orders Insurers to Cover Sex Reassignment Surgery

    12/14/2014 8:22:45 AM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    New York’s Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) decreed that insurers operating in his state must cover sex reassignment surgery. Up to now insurance has typically not covered this on the grounds that it is elective rather than the result of an unforeseen illness or injury. “The whole idea behind insurance is that it allows the buyer to protect himself against events that he cannot control,” said industry spokesman Barbara Arian. “No one opts to come down with a life-threatening disease or to be maimed in an accident. We can insure against these events because we and the insured both aim to...
  • Cromnibus Puts Taxpayers on Hook for Bank Losses [satire]

    12/13/2014 9:37:16 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 13 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    The House-passed $1.1 trillion Continuing Resolution contains a clause that exposes taxpayers to a potential $300 trillion liability for bank losses in derivatives trading. The rider to the CR was the “brain child” of Citigroup. The rider is opposed by both tea party Republicans and left wing Democrats, but is strongly supported by House GOP leadership and President Obama. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), charged that “this maneuver puts the lie to the contention that the GOP is the Party of small government. This is a big government pay off to Wall Street financiers. I’m enormously disappointed that the...
  • Obama Boasts that Successor Won't Be Able to Undo Amnesty [satire]

    12/12/2014 3:19:09 PM PST · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 12 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama taunted opponents of his executive action on illegal immigrants, boasting that "it's permanent. No one will be able to unravel it. I'm not just granting them immunity from prosecution for illegally residing in the United States. I'm giving them ID documents, work permits, and Social Security numbers. They'll have the paperwork making them indistinguishable from American citizens. They'll be working and living in our neighborhoods. Their kids will be going to your kids' schools. They'll be voting in our elections. Any efforts to reverse the rights I've bestowed will be punished at the polls." "Rather than embark on...
  • Feinstein 'Torture Report' outs Charles Martel as Islamophobe

    12/12/2014 10:01:50 AM PST · by xzins · 45 replies
    The People's Cube ^ | 12/11/2014 | OfflineKomissar al-Blogunov
    Diane Feinstein's recently released report on controversial CIA interrogation practices indicts, not only the Bush administration, but also all previous administrations going back to the controversial leader of the Franks, Charles Martel, and his victory over the moderate Muslim community at Tours in 732 AD, which can only be described as a gross law enforcement misconduct and hate crime. Citing inside information from medieval Latin and Arabic sources, the report prepared by Feinstein's staffers details a shocking degree of intolerance and Islamophobia on the part of Charles Martel's administration and the army of Franks, who countered the peaceful expansion of...
  • Scrutiny of Planned Parenthood’s Billings to Medicaid Decried [satire]

    12/10/2014 8:58:12 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Fear is building that Wisconsin’s Department of Health Office of Inspector General (OIG) investigation of Planned Parenthood’s over billing of the state’s Medicaid program for services rendered may endanger the financial health of the organization. For example, Planned Parenthood has been billing the state twice the allowable amount for the abortifacient contraceptive Yaz. Beth Hartung, president of the Wisconsin Family Planning and Reproductive Health Association, called the financial reimbursement rules “unreasonable. The mark-ups we attach to these drugs is what helps subsidize services that the state program doesn’t cover.” One of those uncovered programs is surgical abortions. “Squeezing the profit...
  • Announcing Kwanzapalooza

    12/09/2014 1:28:35 PM PST · by MeshugeMikey · 48 replies
    MeshugeMikey | December 9, 2014 | meshugemikey
  • Jeb Bush Outlines Bizarre Strategy for Prospective 2016 Presidential Race [satire]

    12/09/2014 9:11:34 AM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush (R) is reputed to be weighing his options for a possible bid for the presidency in the 2016 election. His statements, thus far, however raise serious questions regarding his grasp of the process. At issue is his avowed plan to win the general election by losing the primaries. In Bush’s view, the GOP primaries have been co-opted by the Party’s conservative base. The problem with this is that “the conservative base preaches a message of individual liberty that is at odds with the communitarian future I envision for America and the world,” Bush said. “The...
  • Army Welcomes First Openly Transgendered Military Working Dogs (Satire)

    12/08/2014 8:21:31 AM PST · by Cry if I Wanna · 9 replies
    DuffleBlog ^ | December 8, 2014 | Bravo
    JOINT BASE LEWIS-McCHORD, Wash. — Meet Tracker, a five-year-old, sixty-pound Belgian Malinois and a graduate of the Military Working Dog School at Lackland Air Force Base, Texas. He’s also one of the Army’s first five openly transgendered military police dogs, assigned to the 42nd Military Police Brigade at Joint Base Lewis-McChord. “We took to each other pretty quickly,” said Spc. Jeffrey Grassley, a military policeman and dog handler partnered with Tracker. “I mean, it’s a little weird that they tell me to call him a ‘him,’ since he’s obviously a female dog, and there was that time last month when...
  • Missouri Guv Explains Absence of National Guard at Ferguson Riots [satire]

    12/08/2014 8:16:17 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Governor Jay Nixon (D) explained why, despite pleas from Lieutenant Governor Peter Kinder and Ferguson Mayor James Knowles, the state’s National Guard troops weren’t immediately dispatched to quell the riots. “I couldn’t risk National Guard troops shooting people like they did at Kent State in 1970,” Nixon offered. “Then the blood would be on my hands and Neil Young would write a song about me…me. It’s bad enough that I already share an unfortunate surname with former President Nixon. I didn’t want to replicate his actions.” The Governor characterized the contention that troops might have lessened the damage as “pure...
  • Opponents of Amnesty Oppose Human Rights [satire]

    12/07/2014 8:47:31 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 6 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson characterized congressional opponents of amnesty for illegal immigrants as “enemies of human rights.” “The constant questions about how the president’s deferred deportation program helps Americans exposes the selfishness and inhumanity of his critics,” Johnson asserted. “Since when is everything we do supposed to benefit Americans? After all, Americans are a tiny portion of humanity. Why should their interests be permitted to override the well-being of the other 96 percent?” “A case could be made that 4 percent of the world population consuming 20 percent of world output is unfair,” Johnson observed. “Since it is...
  • Consumers to Blame for Obamacare's Failures [satire]

    12/06/2014 8:39:31 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    Former Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius attempted to defend the Affordable Care Act health insurance scheme she helped establish by blaming consumers for its shortcomings. "A lot of Americans have no idea what insurance is about," Sebelius said. "It's a complicated product that few are competent to purchase. In hindsight, our biggest mistake was probably trying to incorporate a modicum of individual choice into the system." "If we had just set up a single-payer government-run health insurance regime a lot of the complaints that riled the general public could have been avoided," she continued. "All of the...
  • Obama Takes the Fifth [satire]

    12/05/2014 1:52:19 PM PST · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 Dec 2014 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration defied a court order to turn over documents the IRS illegally shared with the White House in its political vendetta against 2500 conservative organizations. Secretary of the Treasury Jacob Lew, Obama’s former White House Chief of Staff, maintains that “for us to be compelled to testify against ourselves would violate the the Constitution's Fifth Amendment. And if there's one thing that this Administration will defend to the last it is the inviolability of the Constitution.” The specific clause the Secretary is referring to is the one barring the government from compelling an individual in a criminal case...
  • Eisenhower, Zhukov: unconditional surrender off the table

    12/04/2014 10:43:49 PM PST · by wetphoenix · 7 replies
    What if the Allied war effort of World War II was directed by the current Republican leadership? Listen to the strumming harp music as we take an imaginary journey into the past... 24 November 1944 -- Emerging from a joint strategy meeting, Generals Eisenhower and Zhukov addressed a press meeting and outlined their plans for bringing about a peaceful resolution to what had snowballed into a massive world war. “My Russian counterpart and I realize the meaning of our spectacular victories at Stalingrad and Normandy," said Eisenhower. "It is that the message of the Allies must be one of willingness...
  • Pardoned White House Turkey Defects To ISIS

    12/04/2014 5:45:13 PM PST · by xzins · 23 replies
    DuffelBlog ^ | 27 Nov 14 | G-Had
    WASHINGTON, D.C. – Senior U.S. officials are literally calling “fowl” after the Thanksgiving turkey pardoned by President Obama publicly defected to the Middle Eastern terrorist group ISIS. Popcorn the Turkey, now calling himself Babakurn al-Turki, was pardoned from the dinner table only yesterday by President Obama in a public ceremony at the White House. Normally the pardoned bird is sent along with its competitor to live out its remaining days at Morven Park’s Turkey Hill in Leesburg, Virginia. However, U.S. officials have now admitted that al-Turki instead hijacked an Osprey out of Andrews Air Force Base in nearby Maryland and...
  • Dems Rebuff GOP Criticism of Illinois [satire]

    12/01/2014 9:37:42 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    The Republican Party’s efforts to cite Illinois as a dire example of what happens when Democrats run a state was strongly contested by that state’s leading Democrats. Republicans say that the fact that there are more people on welfare in the state than are working is a sign of poor government policies. Governor Pat Quinn characterized this argument as “misleading. The fact that a prosperous minority is able to support the majority is a triumph of democracy. The ‘haves’ caring for the ‘have nots’ is the implementation of a moral ideal that lies at the core of every major religion.”...
  • Schumer Says Enacting Obamacare Was a Mistake [satire]

    11/30/2014 9:28:51 AM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) stirred up an intra-Party squabble by asserting that 2010’s passage of the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare, was a mistake. “At best, the number of prospective beneficiaries was small,” Schumer pointed out. “And, as it turned out, was vastly outnumbered by those hurt by the legislation. The deceptions required to ensure the bill’s passage were easily pierced as Americans found out they could not keep their doctors or health plans they liked and that the cost of their insurance was going to be higher. There was no way the Democratic Party could escape blame.”...
  • Ferguson Riots Dwarfed by 1965’s Watts Riots [satire]

    11/29/2014 9:10:01 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    Jealous of all the media attention being given to the riots in Ferguson Missouri, Los Angeles City Councilman Bernard Parks has introduced a resolution calling for a celebration of the 50th anniversary of the Watts Riots. “From all the hoopla attached to the recent events in Ferguson you’d think that this riot is the most significant Black uprising against white oppression in recent memory, but you’d be wrong,” Parks said. “Back in 1965 the Black Community devastated Watts causing 34 deaths, 1,032 injuries, and over $40 million in property damage. Over 3,000 people were arrested. What went down in Ferguson...
  • Obama Contends He Has Shown Restraint on Immigration [satire]

    11/28/2014 4:41:37 PM PST · by John Semmens · 18 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 28 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama characterized GOP critics of his Executive Order granting new rights to illegal immigrants as "excessively whiny. I've been really quite restrained compared to what I could have done." To help illustrate his self-imposed mercy, the President reminded his critics that "President Lincoln was far harsher with his critics than I have been. Hundreds of men were summarily arrested and their property confiscated for their criticism of his actions to suppress the secessionist movement. I have, as yet, done nothing of a similar nature, though my advisers tell me I'd be within my rights to do so." "Neither have...
  • ‘Ferguson Protester Accidentally Burns Down Own House’ Just Satire; No Tyler Jackson Case

    11/27/2014 4:43:59 PM PST · by Jack Hydrazine · 37 replies
    theepochtimes.com ^ | NOV 26, 2014 | Staff Writer
    A protester in Ferguson, Missouri accidentally burned down his own house last night after mistaking the building for a convenience store. According to a report in the Ferguson Post-Gazette, 32-year-old Tyler Jackson threw a Molotov cocktail into a window not realizing he was setting ablaze his own residence. The home, which was empty at the time, subsequently burned to the ground. “It was dark. I got all turned around. I thought it was a 7-11 or something,” he told the newspaper. Witnesses describe Jackson shouting expletives after he realized what he had done. He then tried to put out the...
  • Why Is Teaching Anal Sex in the Chicago Public School Curriculum? [satire]

    11/26/2014 7:16:06 AM PST · by John Semmens · 27 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    Parents of students attending Chicago’s Andrew Jackson Language Academy were shocked to discover that 5th graders are slated to study “the pleasures of anal sex.” Chicago Public Schools spokesman Bill McCaffrey characterized the parents’ reactions as “excessively dramatic” and “not well thought out. It’s our job to help prepare our students for life in the real world. Teaching them the skills needed for safe sex is at least as critical a part of our job as teaching them how to read.” “Sex is a topic of universal interest to students,” McCaffrey asserted. “What we teach them about this topic will...
  • DOE Says AP Classes Must Be Racially Balanced [satire]

    11/25/2014 9:46:02 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    The South Orange-Maplewood School District in New Jersey was told by the US Department of Education that the racial imbalance in its Advance Placement (AP) courses was discriminatory because minorities are under represented among the students enrolled in these classes. AP courses are intended for college-bound graduates and typically entail heavier workloads and more difficult assignments. US Secretary of Education Arne Duncan brushed aside arguments relying on student interest and ability as “insufficient to overcome the goal of racial equality. For the school to say that minorities are over represented on the school’s athletic teams and that somehow counterbalances their...
  • North Dakota Names Landfill After Obama

    11/24/2014 7:41:27 AM PST · by KeyLargo · 49 replies
    The Daily Currant ^ | Nov 17, 2014
    The Daily Currant Politics North Dakota Names Landfill After Obama Nov 17, 2014 Climate Change And Global Pollution To Be Discussed At Copenhagen SummitThe state of North Dakota has named a new publicly-owned landfill after President Barack Obama. In an overwhelming 35-10 vote, the state Senate advanced a bill naming a 650-acre site currently under construction after the nation’s 44th president. Governor Jack Dalrymple is expected to sign the measure into law Tuesday. When completed, the Barack Obama Memorial Landfill will be the largest waste disposal site in North Dakota, and the 17th largest in the United States. It will...
  • Sharpton Disputes Tax Bill [satire]

    11/24/2014 8:42:51 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    The IRS claim that Rev. Al Sharpton owes more than $4 million in back taxes was challenged by the Reverend. “My share of the reparations the US Government owes for slavery has not been taken into account,” Sharpton argued. “The humiliation, the suffering, the oppression, and murder of African-Americans that has disgraced this country for over 400 years is a debt that can never be fully repaid.” “Instead of harassing me, the government should be making a good-faith effort to try to make payments on this unpayable debt,” Sharpton suggested. “Then, after 400 years we can reassess to see how...
  • North Dakota Names Landfill After Obama

    11/22/2014 10:36:20 AM PST · by fantail 1952 · 52 replies
    The Daily Currant ^ | 11/17/2014 | Unknown
    The state of North Dakota has named a new publicly-owned landfill after President Barack Obama. In an overwhelming 35-10 vote, the state Senate advanced a bill naming a 650-acre site currently under construction after the nation’s 44th president. Governor Jack Dalrymple is expected to sign the measure into law Tuesday. When completed, the Barack Obama Memorial Landfill will be the largest waste disposal site in North Dakota, and the 17th largest in the United States. It will be especially rich in toxic waste from the local petroleum and medical industries. “We wanted to do something to honor the president,” says...
  • President Cites “Higher Authority” for Immigration Executive Order [satire]

    11/22/2014 8:11:29 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 21 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    In the face of nearly two dozen videos of him saying he lacked legal authority to unilaterally enact immigration reform, President Obama went ahead and did so, citing a “higher authority.” “As President of the United States, I felt myself hemmed in by the limitations placed on the office by the US Constitution,” Obama admitted. “As a human being, though, I could not bear the continuing injustice inflicted on the people who have entered this country illegally.” “My dilemma was how to reconcile the guidelines of an aging framework for a nation's government and the call of my conscience,” Obama...
  • President's Usurpation of Legislative Authority Hailed by Democrats [satire]

    11/21/2014 3:20:48 PM PST · by John Semmens · 18 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama's decision to enact immigration reform legislation that Congress has refused to enact inspired some lavish praise from fellow Democrats. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called it "a courageous first step. President Obama's determination to take a politically unpopular position so soon after voters elected a Republican dominated Congress stakes out new ground in the battle for control over the government and policy." "It's important that we build upon the President's innovation and transform our nation from the archaic plan of trying to extract policy from a fragmented legislative body, where no one has a mandate for governing,...
  • Congress eliminates child tax credit and EITC from tax code (Hoax)

    11/18/2014 8:53:03 PM PST · by 2ndDivisionVet · 60 replies
    The Richmond Voice ^ | November 18, 2014
    Congress has voted to remove the child tax credit, the earned income tax credit and the mortgage interest deduction from the tax code starting with the 2014 fiscal year. The move is almost assured to solidify the perception of the 113rd Congress of the United States as deeply disconnected from the struggles and desires of the populace it is supposed to serve. The move, long championed by entitlement reform advocates like congressman Paul Ryan R-Wisconsin and Ted Cruz R-Texas, will cut entitlement payouts by a staggering 177 billion dollars. 54.33 billion dollars in savings will be realized from discontinuing the...
  • Obama Says FCC Needs to Control Internet [satire]

    11/18/2014 9:37:48 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    President Obama is urging the Federal Communications Commission to exert more control over the Internet. “As it stands now, the whole web environment is chaotic and anarchic,” Obama observed. “Anyone can pretty much do whatever he wants. There is no perceived obligation to serve society’s broader needs.” For the time being, Obama disavowed his authority “to command this independent agency to extend its power over this medium. I am patiently waiting for them to do what they should. However, my patience is not infinite. I will act unilaterally if it becomes necessary that I do so to implement the change...
  • Existence of U. of Oregon Student Senator Miles Sisk Confirms Failure Of American Experiment

    11/17/2014 4:39:01 AM PST · by servo1969 · 8 replies
    Popehat.com ^ | 11-5-2014 | Ken White
    <p>"Pack it in, we're done here," snapped University of California Professor Emeritus James Clyden, who helped announce the scientists' findings at a grim press conference. "It's all on Canada's shoulders now," added Clyden, shuddering.</p> <p>"What is happening on these blogs is cyber-bullying and I believe that this is a crime. The people running these blogs are criminals,” Sisk said. “Frankly, I’m done with it.”</p>
  • [satire] Pelosi Claims Voters Distracted by Irrelevancies

    11/16/2014 8:35:30 AM PST · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) adamantly denied that the trouncing her Democratic Party took at the polls last week constitutes a mandate for a different direction for government. “The problem is that our Party’s underlying message was drowned out by incessant GOP hammering on irrelevant crises and scandals,” she contended. “All the stories about ISIS beheadings, Ebola outbreaks, the flood of immigrants, IRS abuses, NSA spying, government waste and corruption masked the critical point that the Democratic Party is the Party of free stuff. Voters inundated by fears that their lives might be in danger, that their government might...
  • Gruber Apologizes for “Indelicate Phrasing” [satire]

    11/15/2014 9:47:50 AM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire | 14 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    MIT professor Jonathan Gruber, the boastful architect of Obamacare, apologized for what he termed “my indelicate phrasing in defense of the Affordable Care Act. I should never have publicly called American voters ‘stupid.’ I sincerely regret that I have been caught on tape using this kind of language.” “However, this does not mean that the underlying concept behind this legislation was incorrect,” Gruber insisted. “The fact of the matter is that the average American isn’t fit to decide whether he needs health insurance or to choose a plan that is adequate for the collective well-being of society. Individuals left to...
  • This..Just In...from Ferguson [Satirical Parody]

    11/14/2014 5:01:47 PM PST · by MeshugeMikey · 116 replies
    MeshugeMikey ^ | November 14, 2014 | MeshugeMikey
  • Democrats Disagree over Executive Order for Amnesty [satire]

    11/14/2014 3:42:12 PM PST · by John Semmens · 23 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 Nov 2014 | John Semmens
    Outgoing Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) is crosswise with President Obama over the proper sequence of events regarding amnesty for illegal immigrants. “I have implored the President to forestall taking any executive action to legalize these undocumented residents until after we get Republican cooperation on next year's budget,” Reid said. “My advice has been to get the money first. Then he can do whatever he wants on amnesty. There'd be no way the GOP could stop him.” Reid complained that “all my sensible arguments seem to be falling on deaf ears. The President says he doesn't need Congress to...
  • [satire] Obama Welcomes America’s First Transgender Baby to White House

    11/14/2014 1:26:02 PM PST · by GrandJediMasterYoda · 16 replies
    thedailyrash.com ^ | 11/14/14 | By Mark Donahue
    Obama Welcomes America’s First Transgender Baby to White House By Mark Donahue WASHINGTON – This afternoon top administration officials and celebrities joined President and Mrs. Obama in welcoming America’s first transgender baby to the White House. Eleven-month-old Hillary Rodham Carter is the youngest transgender to meet officially with a U.S. president. The president hosted a gender-neutral luncheon for the adorable transgender tot and its parents with an array of celebrity guests that included rapper Pitbull, 97-year-old actor Kirk Douglas, Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski and Barbra Streisand. Until a few weeks ago, Hillary Carter was William Jefferson “Billy” Carter, a...
  • Obamacare: Brought to you by Forrest Gruber (6 images)

    11/14/2014 10:31:07 AM PST · by The Looking Spoon · 11 replies
    CRASHR ^ | 11-14-14 | The Looking Spoon
    Big thanks to fellow Freeper killermosquito for the idea
  • Ten Hours of Princess Leia Walking in NYC [satire of Shoshana Roberts video]

    11/11/2014 5:29:19 PM PST · by grundle · 18 replies
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DCDYSJwwE4
  • Missouri police respond to Ferguson Protest Leadership’s ground rules

    11/10/2014 7:08:07 PM PST · by Beave Meister · 37 replies
    Call the Cops.net ^ | 11/10/2014
    Protest leaders from Ferguson have created a 19 point set of ground rules they expect police to follow. These rules are for when they re-start the riots after the Grand Jury makes a decision about charging officer Wilson in the death of Michael Brown. In response Missouri police have released 9 point set of rules for protestors 1. The first priority will be for protestors to remember “don’t break the law” 2. Protest leaders will communicate to all protesters the need for non-violence. Leaders will accept responsibility for any acts of violence any protesters engage in. 3. Protesters shall give...
  • The cause of the virus that 'makes humans more stupid' discovered...

    11/10/2014 4:56:59 PM PST · by The Looking Spoon · 21 replies
    CRASHR ^ | 11-10-14 | The Looking Spoon
    From The Independent A virus that infects human brains and makes us more stupid has been discovered, according to scientists in the US. Here's the virus at 10000x magnificationAnd here is the astounding result of it being grown in a Petri dish... :-D
  • IRS Admits It Didn’t Really Look for Lois Lerner’s “Lost” Emails [satire]

    11/10/2014 9:05:39 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 Oct 2014 | John Semmens
    IRS Commissioner John Koskinen admitted that it didn’t exercise much effort to track down emails cited in an investigation of IRS abuses involving harassment of conservative political organizations. “Look, we were between a rock and a hard place,” Koskinen contended. “On the one hand, we have Congress and the Courts demanding we produce these documents. On the other hand, some very powerful and dangerous people were very determined that these documents never be found.” “If we defy Congress and the Courts the worst case scenario is we get held in contempt,” Koskinen pointed out. “It’s embarrassing. We look like crooks...