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Keyword: satire

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  • Hillary: Have Fun Burning in Hell, Women of New Hampshire (Satire)

    02/09/2016 6:20:20 PM PST · by drewh · 81 replies
    The Nil Admirari ^ | 2/09/2016 08:52:00 PM
    Tonight, Democratic presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told the women of New Hampshire to "have fun burning in hell" after it was clear she had lost the state's Democratic primary election to U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont. Clinton's remark referenced a statement made last weekend by former U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Madeleine Albright that "there's a special place in hell for women that don't help each other." "Well, the women of New Hampshire can have fun burning in hell after supporting Bernie Sanders over me. Bernie Sanders is an old White Jewish guy,...
  • Hillary Defends Huge Speaking Fees [semi-satire]

    02/09/2016 9:25:38 AM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Feb 2016 | John Semmens
    Under a constant barrage of criticism from Democratic presidential rival Sen. Bernie Sanders for her cozy relationship with Wall Street, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton contended that she was just being polite in accepting $200,000 per hour for speeches she gave at Wall Street's request. "Look, this is what they offered me," she explained. "Was I supposed to have bargained for lower rates? If I had, would Senator Sanders now be accusing me of favoritism toward those firms? Let's not forget, in some instances I got even bigger speaking fees from universities. How could I, in good conscience, take...
  • ISIS Recruits Assert "Combat Immunity" Defense [semi-satire]

    02/08/2016 11:07:16 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Feb 2016 | John Semmens
    Five Minnesota men currently facing charges of criminal conspiracy after being caught preparing to go to Syria to fight for the Islamic State are demanding that charges be dismissed. Moosli Krahp, attorney for the five, stipulated that "the Islamic State has engaged in acts the rest of the world holds to be atrocious. However, these terror tactics are forced upon them by the superior firepower of their enemies. The West and its puppet allies can strike from the air. Civilians may be killed, but are quickly labeled 'collateral damage.' Well, the beheadings, torture, and similar actions carried out by the...
  • DC to Pay Criminals to Refrain from Crime [semi=satire]

    02/07/2016 11:16:48 AM PST · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Feb 2016 | John Semmens
    Washington, DC Councilman Kenyan McDuffie proposed and the City Council unanimously adopted a measure that will pay criminals to refrain from committing crimes. Under the plan, residents with a sufficiently impressive rap-sheet will be paid up to $9,000 in cash per year for each year they aren't convicted of a crime. "This is not some lame-brained scheme that any smart aleck can game," McDuffie boasted. "Only those who can document their criminal behavior will be eligible for the stipend. By paying the 'worst-of-the-worst' members of our community to cool it we will have a greater impact than if we put...
  • New Clinton Defense on Email Scandal: ‘Everybody Did It’ [semi-satire]

    02/06/2016 2:01:12 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Feb 2016 | John Semmens
    A recent discovery that former Secretaries of State Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice may have received a handful of classified emails on their private computers prompted Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton to claim she's been exonerated. "The vast right-wing conspiracy trying to derail my campaign has been rebutted by this new evidence," Hillary contended. "Singling me out when the use of private computers for transmitting classified government communications was standard practice reveals the baseless hypocrisy of their charges." Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif) says "Clinton's 'everybody did it' argument is a gross distortion of reality. It's akin to a notorious drunk...
  • Former President Carter Endorses Trump [semi-satire]

    02/06/2016 10:41:37 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Feb 2016 | John Semmens
    Former Democratic President Jimmy Carter says his favorite GOP candidate for president is Donald Trump. He explained the surprising endorsement by pointing out "Trump is completely malleable. I don't think he has any fixed positions. From my perspective this is more preferable than a far right wing ideologue like Ted Cruz." "Cruz would clearly be an enemy of the progressive policies Obama has implemented," Carter continued. "He'd try to undo them and would shut down the government if he felt it necessary to achieve his goals. With Trump I think we could be confident that wouldn't happen. Trump has been...
  • Obama Pitches Muslim TV Shows [semi-satire]

    02/05/2016 10:25:39 PM PST · by John Semmens · 26 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 Feb 2016 | John Semmens
    Appalled by the over-representation of Muslims as terrorists in national security themed TV shows, President Obama called for broadcasters to air a more varied array of programs featuring Muslim characters. "One idea I came up with is a family comedy," the President said. "There's this daughter who refuses to marry the nephew her father has chosen for her. So, the father and nephew shoot her and dump the body in a river. But she comes back as a ghost or zombie and haunts them with a series of weekly pranks. In one episode the daughter disguises herself as salesperson in...
  • ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD***

    02/05/2016 4:47:45 AM PST · by Lucky9teen · 66 replies
    Lately, I feel more and more like we are.... Trump: "No more Muslims, no more Spics, no more Jews with their dirty tricks!"The crowd cheered last night at the Raleigh Convention Center when Donald Trump strode on stage with his arms held high and shouted, "No more Muslims, no more Spics, no more Jews with their dirty tricks!" The crowd went wild cheering and clapping.Trump: "Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are Jews." He hesitated, "but you know, enough is enough!"Crowd: "Enough is enough!"Trump: "And as far as the Indians go, you know, the ones with the...
  • Women, know your limits! (Drinking, Contrceptives, Pregnancy)

    02/04/2016 11:16:34 AM PST · by Mrs. Don-o · 12 replies
    CNA ^ | February | Jenny Uebbing
    I'm just so thankful to be an American with a uterus today, because federal agencies have really got all the bases covered for me. (Which is a relief because who has got time to use reason? Also, science is hard. Let's go shopping.) The CDC issued a nuanced, thoughtful report this morning with the brilliant recommendation that card-carrying members of the x-chromosome club ought to either be using contraception throughout the entirety of their childbearing years, or teetotaling. Thankfully, being a simple suburban housewife with little capacity to make reasonable, well-researched choices for my own health and wellbeing and that...
  • Judge Abortion Facilities Don't Need to Meet Health Requirements [semi-satire]

    02/02/2016 9:25:42 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Baton Rouge District Judge John deGravelles blocked a Louisiana law requiring that abortion facilities comply with state standards for health and safety, calling it unconstitutional. "The right to an abortion is a constitutional right decreed by the United States Supreme Court in 1973," de Gravelles ruled. "The state is not permitted to infringe on this right by adding conditions that could limit a woman's ability to abort her child." The Judge dispensed with the argument that the state has the power to set health and safety standards for medical treatments. "The contention that the lack of such standards endangers the...
  • Obama and Hillary Try Hand at Comedy [semi-satire]

    02/01/2016 12:02:13 PM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire | 31 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Perhaps looking toward a future outside of politics, both President Obama and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton tried out some comedy bits this week. The President made the first volley calling Hillary "wicked smart" and "warm and funny." Hillary countered with "anybody who know me knows you can't buy me." The host of the HBO talk show Real Time with Bill Maher, called the efforts of the two "deliciously absurd and surreal. I wish I had thought of these jokes myself."
  • An Extremely Sad Open Letter to the "All-Woman Engineers, LLC" Investors

    01/31/2016 10:22:40 AM PST · by Kaslin · 13 replies
    Townhall.com ^ | January 31, 2016 | Michael Hausam
    Author's note: The column contains satire. It is with a heavy heart that we must return your initial capital investment. President Obama's recent executive action will make implementing our brilliant moneymaking plan almost impossible to accomplish. When we released the video announcement about creating an engineering firm staffed only with women, the response was almost overwhelmingly positive. The idea was genius: exploit the pay gap between men and women to generate obscene profits. Investors, like you, lined up by the dozen, up to the point that we had to turn interested parties away. There were thousands of them. As everyone...
  • Trump Snags First Congressional Endorsement [semi-satire]

    01/31/2016 8:52:18 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    While a slew of GOP presidential contenders ranging from Sen. Ted Cruz (Tex) to former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush have gotten endorsements from sitting members of Congress, Donald Trump had come up empty until this week when Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) gave him the nod. "When you look over who the Republicans are considering as their nominee its a sorry bunch," Reid observed. "None of them possess the visionary leadership exhibited over the last seven years by President Obama. However, one of them stands out as a man of perspicacity and guile. That man is Donald Trump. Not...
  • Swedish Authorities Unsure of How to Deal with Refugee Violence [semi-satire]

    01/30/2016 1:19:07 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    After a contingent of ten police officers were scared off from rescuing a ten-year-old rape victim from a refugee center, authorities professed themselves to be at a loss for what to do next. "The ardor with which the Muslim mob attacked the police seeking to remove the boy from the center has caused us to reexamine our premises," National Police Commissioner Dan Eliasson admitted. "To us, the idea of grown men sexually abusing this young boy is repugnant. But are we guilty of projecting our own values onto another culture?" "I am told that keeping such boys on hand for...
  • Sanders' Tax Hike to Cost 6 Million Jobs [semi-satire]

    01/30/2016 9:13:32 AM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 31 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    An analysis undertaken by the Tax Foundation estimates that the tax increases promised by Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) will cut economic growth by more than 9% and result in 6 million fewer full-time jobs. "Sanders' plan would significantly increase marginal tax rates on capital and labor income, which would result in a substantial reduction of the size of the U.S. economy in the long run," authors Alan Cole and Scott Greenberg asserted. Sanders' campaign manager Jeff Weaver pooh-poohed the report quoting economist John Maynard Keynes' observation that "in the long run we are all dead. At 74...
  • [SATIRE] DOJ to Investigate Oscars

    01/29/2016 7:52:59 PM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    The absence of blacks, gays, and transgenders from the ranks of those nominated for this year's Academy Awards has spurred outrage among cultural elites. Hollywood power couple Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith announced they will boycott the awards ceremony. Homosexual actor Ian McKellen groused that "we mustn't let the attention given to racism completely overshadow the homophobia plaguing the film industry." US Attorney General Loretta Lynch labeled "the lack of nominations for legally protected groups is disturbing. The claim that nominees are democratically determined by secret ballot does not exempt the Academy from affirmative action laws. Racially disparate outcomes...
  • Sanders Calls for Nationalized Health Care [semi-satire]

    01/26/2016 10:14:56 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Riding on the crest of poll numbers showing a surge for his presidential bid, Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) upped the ante vs. rival former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton by calling for a nationalization of health care. "Obamacare is a confusing mess of broken promises," Sanders asserted. "We need to replace it with a fully socialized system where all medical payments and decisions are made by the federal government." Under Sanders' proposal everyone would be covered with a zero deductible and zero co-pay plan. "No one should have to skimp on medical treatment merely because they'd have to pay out...
  • Trump spokeswoman defends call for ‘pure breed’ president

    01/25/2016 1:44:47 PM PST · by BlackFemaleArmyCaptain · 67 replies
    The Washington Times ^ | 1/25/2016 | Jessica Chasmar
    Donald Trump's national campaign spokeswoman Katrina Pierson defended Sunday a tweet from 2012 in which she lamented that President Obama and Mitt Romney aren't "pure breeds." "Perfect Obama's dad born in Africa, Mitt Romney's dad born in Mexico. Any pure breeds left? #CNNDebate," Ms. Piersontweeted on Jan. 19, 2012, as the then-GOP candidates took the debate stage in South Carolina. Confronted with the tweet Sunday on CNN, Ms. Piersonargued that she's a "half-breed" and was simply using the same "silliness" that others use when attacking her. "Would you like to retract [the tweet]?" CNN's Brian Stelter asked, according to a...
  • National Review Booted from Debate for Anti-Trump Editorial [semi-satire]

    01/25/2016 10:56:57 AM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    The Republican National Committee has uninvited the editors of National Review from participating in the GOP presidential candidate debate scheduled for February 25 in Houston, citing the magazine's stance against Donald Trump as "disqualifying bias," RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said. "It is my responsibility to protect all of our candidates from the baleful effects of media bias." The Chairman attempted to distinguish NR's "bias" from that of the liberal media personalities who regularly moderate GOP debates. "While everyone knows that media moderators are biased against Republicans, the bias is not explicitly overt," Priebus pointed out. "The sneers, the loaded questions,...
  • Brady and Patriots Come In Second

    01/24/2016 5:47:47 PM PST · by RetiredTexasVet · 78 replies
    1-24-16 | RetiredTexasVet
    Just in .... in the NFL playoff match between Manning/Broncos and Brady/Patriots .... Brady and the Patriots came in a close second. Some will attribute the team's second place finish in the game to deflated balls which Brady will deny.
  • Muslim Refugee Rampages and European Mental Confusion Continue [semi-satire]

    01/24/2016 8:48:27 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    In France, Muslim migrants burned down the refugee shelters that the French government spent 20 million euros to build for them. The humanitarian gesture of providing migrants with proper beds, showers, electricity and heating was spurned by ungrateful refugees as "far below the accommodations kafirs are obliged to provide us," according to an immigrant from Africa. "The so-called housing is dormitories. We demand private apartments with big-screen TVs, wifi, and all the normal standards enjoyed by the dhimmis." In Saxony, Germany, Muslim immigrants showed their dissatisfaction with government efforts to accommodate them by masturbating into a jacuzzi and defecating into...
  • Prof Debunks Idea that Right-Wingers a Bigger Threat [semi-satire]

    01/23/2016 3:45:52 PM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Professor Andrew Holt of Florida State College at Jacksonville has challenged the Obama Administration's contention that right-wing extremists pose a greater threat than Islamic terrorists. "If we look at all the casualties resulting from terrorist attacks over the last 15 years, the number of people killed by jihadis outnumber those killed by right-wingers by more than 60 to one," Holt said. Department of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson brushed off the professor's analysis as "a simplistic body count. Merely adding up the number killed assumes an unwarranted equivalence among those affected. All the victims of Islamic terrorists in the United States...
  • GOP Establishment Warms to Trump [semi-satire]

    01/23/2016 9:30:36 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    GOP presidential front runner Donald Trump boasted to rally attendees in Las Vegas' South Point Resort and Casino that "the Republican establishment is coming over to our side. They hate Ted Cruz so much that they're throwing their support to me." While there hasn't yet been an explicit endorsement from key establishment figures, Trump maintained that "it seems pretty clear that Sen. Dole and Sen. McConnell prefer me to Cruz. They recognize that I'm the guy who can reach across the aisle and make a deal with Pelosi (D-Calif) and Reid (D-Nev). Cruz has been the guy blocking consensus between...
  • UN to Consider Emergency Aid to Islamic State [semi-satire]

    01/22/2016 10:36:48 PM PST · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 24 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    A report that the Islamic State has been forced to cut the pay of its fighters in Iraq and Syria has sparked interest in a possible aid package for the beleaguered infant state. "It's a simple matter of fairness," UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon observed. "With both Russia and the United States taking military action against them the Islamic State is in deadly peril. Maintaining the necessary fanaticism for those it sends into battle absent adequate financial rewards may be too big of an obstacle for them to overcome. It may be appropriate for us to provide some funding to...
  • Obama Blames Economic Stagnation on Republicans Behaving Selfishly [semi-satire]

    01/18/2016 2:40:59 PM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Rather than consider the possibility that the sluggish performance of the economy during his presidency may have something to do with his policies, President Obama blamed everything on "the GOP's selfish unwillingness to accept the will of the people and support my agenda." It is difficult to grasp the President's logic, though, since Congress, both before and after the GOP had the majority, has essentially acquiesced in every one of the President's budget requests and has failed to block any of the Administration's regulatory initiatives or executive actions. "The GOP leadership in Congress may have funded the programs, but they...
  • Pelosi Justifies $150 Billion Payout to Iran [semi-satire]

    01/18/2016 10:38:43 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) acknowledged that "Iran may do bad things with the $150 billion that will be released to them as part of the deal negotiated by the Obama Administration. "Will they fund terrorist cells?" Pelosi asked. "Undoubtedly, but these terrorists will only kill thousands. A nuclear weapon could kill millions. Under this premise, paying billions that would enable terrorists to kill thousands seems a worthwhile trade off." "Sometimes you've got to make a deal with the devil," she added. "For example, look at the deal Chamberlain made with Hitler in 1938. A small sliver of land...
  • Sanders Refuses to Explain How He will Pay for All the Free Stuff He's Promising [semi-satire]

    01/17/2016 9:28:55 AM PST · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Socialist candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination Sen. Bernie Sanders refused to answer any questions about how his Administration will pay for the plethora of taxpayer-subsidized loot he is promising to voters, saying that "it would spoil the surprise." "Does anyone demand that Santa Claus lay out a budget for all the gifts he gives?" Sanders wanted to know. "On one level, it would be rude to look a gift horse in the mouth. From a more practical standpoint, if I tip my hand ahead of time the people I'm going to ask to bear the expense may try to...
  • Planned Parenthood Sues Anti-Abortion Group [semi-satire]

    01/16/2016 3:09:07 PM PST · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Planned Parenthood (PP) has filed suit against the Center for Medical Progress (CMP) alleging that "CMP has callously and covertly exposed us to suspicion and ridicule by airing private negotiations for the illegal sale of body parts salvaged from terminated fetuses." The suit alleged irreparable harm including "loss of taxpayer funding of abortions in some states, a decline in donations from benefactors horrified by the videos' portrayal of dismembered fetuses, insensitive Planned Parenthood officials and their rampant enthusiasm for turning unwanted human waste into useful items like expensive cars and bonuses for Planned Parenthood personnel." Congresswoman Diane Black (R-Tenn) labeled...
  • Gov't Hails Gains in Able-Bodied Adults on Food Stamps [semi-satire]

    01/16/2016 1:23:34 PM PST · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Since President Obama took office the number of able-bodied-without-dependents who are receiving government food subsidies has soared by 370%. This increase in participation by persons who in another era would have been expected to fend for themselves was hailed as "great progress on the President's goal of transforming America," by Secretary of Health and Human Services Sylvia Burwell. "Relieved of the burden of feeding themselves, these individuals are free to pursue goals higher on Maslow's hierarchy of needs." One of the favorite "higher goals" of this segment of the population is smoking. Fully 50% of the subsidized beneficiaries are smokers...
  • Obama Rejects Idea that Women Should Arm Themselves [semi-satire]

    01/16/2016 9:37:25 AM PST · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    When a rape victim queried President Obama at his recent town hall meeting to promote his latest set of executive actions impeding acquisition of firearms by law-abiding citizens he rejected her notion that having a gun for her own protection was her best option. "I'm sorry you were raped," the President told Kimberly Corban, "but fortunately you weren't killed. Most rape victims are not killed. If we allow you to have a weapon, though, the risk of someone getting killed jumps up to an unacceptable level. You acknowledge that your assailant was unarmed. You both came away from the encounter...
  • Quoting Joe Namath, Jeb Bush 'Guarantees' Nomination

    01/15/2016 10:17:31 PM PST · by Rebelbase · 52 replies
    News ^ | 1/16/16 | D. Mentia
    Quoting Joe Namath, Jeb Bush ‘Guarantees’ Nomination WALTERBORO, SC (AP)—At a South Carolina fund raiser today republican Presidential candidate Jeb Bush reached back into history to quote one of football's great former quarterbacks, Joe Namath of the New York Jets. When asked by a supporter if he thinks he can win the party's nomination Bush replied ‘I guarantee it’ which is the same reply given by Namath to a reporter when asked if the Jets could beat Earl Morrells’ Baltimore Colts in the 1968 season Super Bowl III. At the time, Joe Namath was the most flamboyant quarterback in the...
  • NY Dems Demand Conservatives Leave State [semi-satire]

    01/15/2016 10:09:35 PM PST · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 17 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    While at odds over whether the State or the City should get to expropriate citizens' wealth, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) and New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) both agree that "there is no place in the state for 'conservative extremists.'" The extreme views deemed by Cuomo to be "not who New Yorkers are," include "opposition to abortion, refusal to accept gay marriage as the law of the land, and an anachronistic attachment to the notion that access to guns for self-defense can be tolerated in today's world." "These extreme views go beyond the bounds of civil...
  • Obama Bans Wealthy From Hoarding Gold

    01/15/2016 8:14:23 AM PST · by Lazamataz · 65 replies
    SkinnyReporter ^ | by Justin Thyme
    WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Barack Obama today banned private ownership of more than a quarter ounce of gold, saying the move was necessary to revive the economy. "Wealthy Americans are bailing out on the economy by taking their money out of circulation and hoarding gold," Obama said as he signed an executive order reminiscent of Depression-era President Franklin D. Roosevelt's ban on the possession of gold. "The wealthy are violating their trust and abusing their position by investing in gold," Obama said. "My order will put an immediate end to this practice, which threatens to hijack the good efforts of...
  • Sanders’ Campaigns Diverted Funds to Personal Use [semi-satire]

    01/11/2016 10:43:10 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    According to an investigation by the Washington Free Beacon, Democratic presidential candidate Sen Bernie Sanders's spouse Jane O'Meara Sanders, and stepdaughter, Carina Driscoll, both drew sizable salaries from Sanders's House campaigns between 2000 and 2004. Presidential campaign Press Secretary, Symone Sanders denied there was any scandal in how prior campaign donations have been deployed. "All of this money was freely given to him by his supporters," she pointed out. "Obviously, they could afford it." Ms. Sanders also argued that "it proves that Bernie is the 'family values' candidate. A man who takes care of his own family as well as...
  • Bill Clinton suffers minor injuries chasing MSNBC intern (Satire)

    01/11/2016 7:57:07 AM PST · by Cheerio · 21 replies
    The Peoples Cube ^ | January 9, 2016 | Chedoh
    Satire COUNCIL BLUFFS, IOWA – Witnesses are coming forward confirming that former President William J. Clinton suffered minor injuries back stage while his wife, Hillary Clinton, attended a town hall event as a part of her presidential campaign yesterday. According to a dozen witnesses, shortly after his arrival at the event center, Bill Clinton started talking to Nicole Reynolds, a 22 year old MSNBC makeup intern. 'There wasn't anything malicious at first,' said Brian Hazely, a custodian at the event center. 'We couldn't hear what they were saying, but as time went on you could see she got more and...
  • Tearful Obama Enacts More Gun Controls [semi-satire]

    01/10/2016 1:13:51 PM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Determined not to let an uncooperative Congress impede necessary gun controls, a teary President Obama announced a new round of executive legislation aimed at reducing gun violence. While his actions lack Constitutional or statutory authority, the President claimed to be "taking the moral high ground" and alleged that "90% of Americans agree with me." The gist of the President's initiative is to "gum up the works as much as possible in order to make the acquisition of a gun a lengthy, tedious, and frustrating undertaking. Even if all we accomplish is to prevent one person from obtaining a firearm that...
  • Hillary Campaign Calls Classification Rules "Dumb" [semi-satire]

    01/09/2016 3:07:41 PM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    A revelation from the latest batch of emails from former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's unsecured private server indicating that she explicitly instructed a subordinate to bypass classification regulations was brushed off as "a phony scandal" by her campaign. Campaign Manager Robbie Mook admitted that "by all appearances this would seem a violation of the rules. However, if we closely examine the circumstances we can see in this instance, following the rules would've been just dumb." "Look, the issue was the transmission of the 'talking points' for Secretary Clinton to use in promulgating the false cover story blaming the video...
  • Congress' Repeal of Obamacare and Defunding of Planned Parenthood "Un-Christian" [semi-satire]

    01/09/2016 9:04:13 AM PST · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2015 | John Semmens
    Rep. Steve Cohen (D-Tenn) denounced the passage of a bill that would repeal the Affordable Care Act and defund Planned Parenthood as "profoundly un-Christian." "The objection that the President's health care legislation is too costly and too coercive rejects the message Jesus tried to impart to his followers," Cohen maintained. "First of all, money is issued by the government. As such, aren't Christians instructed to render this money to the government if called upon to do so? Jesus didn't say it would be okay to resist taxes because they might be excessive or involuntary." "Second, even if we were to...
  • German Government Flummoxed by Muslim New Year's Eve Assaults [semi-satire]

    01/08/2016 10:16:31 PM PST · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 10 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    On New Year's Eve, gangs of Muslims immigrants accosted, groped, assaulted, robbed, and raped women in Berlin, Cologne, Hamburg, Stuttgart, and Dusseldorf, Germany. Local police were unwilling or unable to come to the aid of victims, complaining that "there were too many offenders for us to contend with. They were throwing rocks and bottles at us. It was just too dangerous for us to get involved." Cologne Mayor Henriette Reker saw her city's police's inability to intervene as "a blessing in disguise. What we really have here is a clash of cultures. In the Muslim community only prostitutes and immoral...
  • Dems Craft Bill Criminalizing Anti-Muslim Speech [semi-satire]

    01/05/2016 10:05:06 AM PST · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Rep. Donald Beyer (D-VA), along with 82 co-sponsors from the Democratic Party, introduced House Resolution 569. This legislation makes hateful rhetoric towards Muslims a crime in the United States. Beyer contends that "this legislation is needed to head-off the abuse of this beleaguered minority before it becomes entrenched." Religion-based hate crimes against Jews in the United States are five times as common as hate crimes against Muslims. Still, Beyer defended singling out crimes against Muslims for greater attention contending that "it's too late for us to try to undo centuries of anti-Semitism, especially if doing so would further inflame Muslims...
  • Obama Administration Sets New Record for Executive Action [semi-satire]

    01/04/2016 12:54:35 PM PST · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    As 2015 drew to a close, the Obama Administration reached new highs in the number of regulations issued by the Executive branch. For the year, over 81,000 pages of new rules made their way into the Federal Register. This marked the third time in seven years—also a record—that the Administration added more than 80,000 pages of new regs. While those concerned with the Constitution's separation of powers voiced some discomfort with this tide of legislation through executive fiat, Congress, for the most part did little to try to thwart it. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell excused his chamber's inaction saying...
  • NYC Adopts Draconian Penalty for Offending Transgenders [semi-satire]

    01/04/2016 8:48:13 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    In an effort to discipline its inhabitants into respecting transgender preferences, the New York City Commission on Human Rights updated the City's discrimination rules to incorporate a $250,000 fine for failure to use an individual's desired gender-based pronoun when addressing that person either orally or in writing. The new rule is more complex than simply using cues from the way a person is dressed to guess whether to refer to that person as "he" or "she." A whole panoply of possible pronouns is covered by the ordinance. These include he/him/his, she/her/hers, as well as others such as they/them/theirs and ze/hir....
  • Lunatic Fringe Group Seizes Control of Federal Building

    01/03/2016 6:42:12 PM PST · by huckfillary · 23 replies
    Artful Dilettante ^ | January 4, 2016 | Artful Dilettante
    A hard-line, lunatic socialist fringe group, estimated at 535 members, today seized control of and occupied the U.S. Capitol. The group, largely consisting of lifelong, documented larcenists and moochers, claimed to be the legitimate, constitutionally empowered representatives of the American people. The group occupied and seized control of the Capitol largely unnoticed and without a struggle. The group added emphatically that its claim to power “was permanent and absolute, and that any attempts to resist the takeover would be futile and met with blunt force.” They stated that as far they could tell, however, “Nobody seemed to much care or...
  • Turkey's President Sees Nazi Germany as Model for His Country [semi-satire]

    01/03/2016 7:58:20 AM PST · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Turkey's President Recep Tayyip Erdogan says he hopes to revamp his country's constitution to establish a presidential unitary state like the one used in Germany from 1933 to 1945—the period when Adolf Hitler ruled and led the country into a disastrous attempt to conquer Europe. Erdogan blamed the ill-advised decisions of Hitler for World War II, not the constitutional framework constructed by the Nazis. "Placing all power in the hands of a single man avoids the inherent inefficiencies of parliamentary government," Erdogan argued. "The clashing personalities of a multi-membered governing body like parliament impede expeditious action. Indecisive and lengthy debates...
  • 2015's greatest hits: Nation's first bicycle HOT lanes planned for Mt. Vernon Trail

    01/02/2016 5:17:39 PM PST · by Tolerance Sucks Rocks · 26 replies
    Greater Greater Washington ^ | April 1, 2015 (originally) and December 31, 2015 | Seymour Rhodes
    The National Park Service and the Virginia Department of Transportation (VDOT) have announced a new partnership to construct the nation's first bicycle High Occupancy/Toll Express Lanes on the Mount Vernon Trail between Rosslyn and Mount Vernon.
  • Jackson, Mississippi Councilman Urges Constituents to Attack Police [semi-satire]

    01/02/2016 11:16:21 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Kenneth Stokes, a councilman in the City of Jackson, Mississippi's Third Ward, urged residents to "violently oppose police intrusion into our neighborhood." Stokes was especially concerned with police pursuit of suspects fleeing from crime scenes in nearby white neighborhoods. "Brothers who have successfully fled to Black neighborhoods should be protected against police brutality by the righteous defense of our turf," Stokes asserted. "We need to take heed of how Muslim communities in cities in Europe have defended their turf from the intrusion of infidel police. We need to end the knee-jerk submission to white standards and values and uphold our...
  • Hillary Doubles Down on Benghazi Lies [semi-satire]

    01/02/2016 8:04:53 AM PST · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    Despite substantial evidence to the contrary, former Secretary of State and current contender for the Democratic Party's presidential nomination Hillary Clinton insists that she is the one telling the truth about the terrorist attack that killed four Americans in Benghazi in 2012. In an interview with the editorial board of New Hampshire's Conway Daily Sun this week she rebuffed the evidence and blandly maintained that "I am the one telling the truth. Those who find the mutually corroborated stories being told by the grieving relatives of those killed in the attack persuasive are letting their hearts overrule their heads. These...
  • European Governments Perplexed on How to Deal with Refugee Crime Wave [semi-satire]

    01/01/2016 8:44:49 PM PST · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 3 Jan 2016 | John Semmens
    A surge in crimes committed by Muslim refugees in Germany and elsewhere has European governments perplexed over how to cope. Thanks to Muslim immigration, Sweden is now the western world's leader in rape. Similar surges in sexual assault, beatings and thefts by recent immigrants in other countries have sparked widespread fear among indigenous inhabitants. German Minister of Information Hansel Verbrecher described his government's dilemma as "a clash of cultural values. As Muslims see it, an uncovered woman is a sinner, at best. If she is also an unbeliever, the Quran says it is just for a Muslim to rape or...
  • Juniata College: Urinals Gone; Men Must Sit Down To Pee

    12/27/2015 2:27:50 PM PST · by huckfillary · 117 replies
    http://www.artfuldilettante.com ^ | December 27, 2015 | Artful Dilettante
    Juniata College, a small liberal arts college nestled in the hills of south-central Pennsylvania, has become the first college in the United States to order the removal of every urinal from campus. The vote by the college Board of Trustees was unanimous. The change was in response to an intense years-long campaign by a little-known, militant feminist group called Chicks Against Dicks (CAD). The group employed numerous tactics including petitions, lawsuits, and the occasional smashing of functioning campus urinals. Juniata President James A. Troha, androgynous but not transgender, was giddy over the vote. In remarks delivered breathelessly, Troha said, “Urinals...
  • Christmas Thought of the Day (Satire Fake Pajama Boy Xmas Greetings)

    12/25/2015 5:08:53 AM PST · by C19fan · 9 replies
    Instapundit - Twitter ^ | December 25, 2015 | Male Feminist
    I'm okay with Christians worshiping on Christmas, but it should be quietly and out of the public eye.