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Keyword: satire

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  • Planned Parenthood Calls Legislation Racist [semi-satire]

    04/17/2018 11:52:28 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 April 2018 | John Semmens
    Planned Parenthood complained that two new laws enacted in Tennessee to deny tax payer funding for abortions "hurt women of color." Sarah Wallet, the medical director for Planned Parenthood of Greater Memphis, asserted "this legislation is racist. Women of color are especially dependent on government funding for their abortions. To deny them access to public monies for this purpose does them irreparable harm." Though the legislation does not block abortions financed by organizations or individuals using non-government sources of funding, Wallet was still adamant in her objections. "The original mission of Planned Parenthood as envisioned by founder Margaret Sanger was...
  • Economy Continues to Be Battered by Tax Cut Law [semi-satire]

    04/16/2018 11:03:37 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 April 2018 | John Semmens
    News that US corporations expect the recently completed first quarter of 2018 to be the “best ever” has reignited Democrat promises to repeal the tax cut enacted late last year. Vermont Socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders called the news “supremely depressing. To think that a democratically elected legislature could take such a heartless action to endorse the heightened expropriation of the surplus value of labor that Marx demonstrated is owed to the working class is shameful. It is essential that voters elect a socialist majority this Fall so Congress can repeal this abomination.” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) pledged “to...
  • Comey’s ‘Tell All’ Book Published [semi-satire]

    04/15/2018 6:02:13 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 April 2018 | John Semmens
    The “tell all” book written by James Comey, the FBI Director fired by Trump on the advice of FBI Deputy Director Rod Rosenstein in May of 2017, was released to reviewers this week and will be released to the general public next week. In sum, the book tries to make the case that Trump is “unfit to govern.” “What most people don’t realize is that Trump is much shorter than me,” the Ex-FBI Director wrote. “I’m 6′ 8” and he is only 6′ 3”. That’s a whole five inches shorter. And that’s not his only five-inch shortage. I peeked in...
  • FaceBook CEO Testifies, Apologizes to Congress [semi-satire]

    04/14/2018 10:06:48 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 April 2018 | John Semmens
    FaceBook CEO Mark Zuckerberg underwent two days of interrogation before members of the House and Senate looking into his firm's invasion of privacy and political misuse of personal information. The tech wiz apologized for "allowing this information to fall into the wrong hands" and vowed to "introduce procedures to prevent any recurrence of the tragic event that befell the nation on November 8th 2016." In an effort to persuade members of Congress that "we are on the case," Zuckerberg cited a couple of recent measures he said "will hopefully purge dangerous content from using FaceBook to promote antisocial attitudes and...
  • ACLU Praises Breach of "Attorney Client Privilege" [semi-satire]

    04/14/2018 12:29:59 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 April 2018 | John Semmens
    This week in an unprecedented move, Special Counsel Robert Mueller engineered a raid on President Trump's long-time lawyer Michael Cohen that seized all of his files and documents. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) lauded this piercing of the President's and Cohen Fourth and Fifth Amendment rights against unreasonable searches and denial of due process, calling them "warranted exceptions." As ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty explained "the Bill of Rights is intended to protect innocent people from tyrannical abuses. In this case, everyone agrees that Trump and his associates are 'bad hombres' and as such, not entitled to any rights that...
  • Zuckerberg Loses Contact Lens During Senate Hearing Revealing Horrifying Lizard Eye

    04/12/2018 2:29:07 AM PDT · by vannrox · 17 replies
    babylonbee ^ | April 10, 2018 | Mark Zuckerberg
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—During his much-publicized appearance before a bipartisan Senate committee Tuesday, the false, humanlike contact lens Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg had placed over his left eye accidentally fell out, revealing the horrifying yellow lizard eye lying underneath. “Senator, I don’t have that information with me right now,” the tech billionaire said for the seven hundredth time just before the incident. As he moved to take a drink of water to appear like a real human who thirsts, the faux human-eye lens fell out of his eye socket and the awful, piercing alien eyeball underneath quickly focused on the Senator questioning...
  • Zuckerberg Loses Contact Lens During Senate Hearing Revealing Horrifying Lizard Eye

    04/11/2018 7:34:22 AM PDT · by savedbygrace · 26 replies
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—During his much-publicized appearance before a bipartisan Senate committee Tuesday, the false, humanlike contact lens Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg had placed over his left eye accidentally fell out, revealing the horrifying yellow lizard eye lying underneath. “Senator, I don’t have that information with me right now,” the tech billionaire said for the seven hundredth time just before the incident. As he moved to take a drink of water to appear like a real human who thirsts, the faux human-eye lens fell out of his eye socket and the awful, piercing alien eyeball underneath quickly focused on the Senator questioning...
  • Facebook Staffers Coach Mark Zuckerberg On Humanlike Behavior Ahead Of Congressional Testimony

    04/10/2018 9:52:56 AM PDT · by fishtank · 20 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 4-9-18 | B. Bee
    Facebook Staffers Coach Mark Zuckerberg On Humanlike Behavior Ahead Of Congressional Testimony April 9, 2018 MENLO PARK, CA—According to sources from within Facebook headquarters, interns and staffers at the social network were training Mark Zuckerberg on how to act human ahead of his expected congressional testimony this week.
  • [satire] Toddler Brandishing Play-Doh Pocketknife Apprehended By UK Police

    04/09/2018 8:16:21 PM PDT · by Ciaphas Cain · 28 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | April 9, 2018
    LONDON—A “potentially dangerous situation” was defused by London police Monday morning, as a toddler cutting Play-Doh with a toy plastic pocketknife was tackled to the ground and apprehended by a Specialist Firearms Command unit, sources confirmed at the scene. The toddler was happily cutting a lump of green-ish Play-Doh with his official Play-Doh pocketknife in his mum’s London flat when a Metro Police unit kicked his door down and charged in, bellowing for everyone to get down on the ground. Several other operatives dove through windows and rappelled from skylights, tossing tear gas and breaching doors throughout the home...
  • In Response To Growing Number Of Fistfights, London Mayor Bans Hands

    04/09/2018 1:46:13 PM PDT · by Ciaphas Cain · 27 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | April 9, 2018
    LONDON—In response to a recent outbreak in fistfights, London mayor Sadiq Khan announced Monday a sweeping ban of hands in the city, effective immediately. “No excuses: there is never a reason to have hands in a modern, civil society. Anyone who does will be caught, and they will feel the full force of the law,” Khan said at a press conference announcing the new policy during which he revealed that he has had his own hands surgically removed as a good-faith move to jump-start the new regulations.
  • Putin Complains about Demonization of Stalin [semi-satire]

    04/09/2018 10:40:15 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 April 2018 | John Semmens
    Russian President Vladimir Putin denounced what he labeled “the excessive demonization of former Soviet dictator Josef Stalin. His methods may have been harsh by Western standards, but few can quibble with the results.” These “results” included the deaths of 15 million to 30 million Soviet citizens through executions, labor camps, avoidable famines and making the treaty with Germany that unleashed WW II. “Few critics take into account the poverty and backwardness of the country Stalin inherited,” Putin contended. “Bringing the Soviet Union into the modern era required sacrifices. The millions who died in the Gulag would have died eventually, regardless....
  • Hillary Claims Credit for #MeToo Movement [semi-satire]

    04/08/2018 11:25:45 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 9 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 April 2018 | John Semmens
    This week, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton claimed credit for accelerating the #MeToo Movement. “If I hadn’t lost the election none of this awakening to the the widespread sexual harassment that has plagued women in this country would have come to light,” she asserted. “Harvey Weinstein—case zero—in the exposure of the sexual harassment epidemic was a great supporter of me and donor to the Democratic Party,” Clinton pointed out. “As president, in order to repay his loyalty and generosity to the Party, I would have protected him from the assault on his character launched by the former victims of his...
  • Mexico Threatens to End Cooperation Against Violent Gangs [semi-satire]

    04/07/2018 10:47:07 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 April 2018 | John Semmens
    Irked at the prospect that President Trump may send US troops to guard the border against illegal immigration, the Mexican Senate unanimously passed a resolution that would end the bilateral cooperation between US and Mexican law enforcement agencies against the violent drug cartels that have run rampant along the border. President of the Senate, Pablo Escudero Mora defended the seemingly irrational move as “totally justified given the long history of US aggression toward our country. First they seized Texas. Then they invaded Mexico and forced us to cede California, and what are now Arizona and New Mexico to them. Now,...
  • FaceBook Admits "Invasion of Privacy" [semi-satire]

    04/07/2018 6:50:46 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 April 2018 | John Semmens
    Facebook's chief operating officer, Sheryl Sandberg, publicly admitted that "our company's invasion of our clients' privacy probably rates a score of 10 out of 10 for being as complete a betrayal as possible." Despite this colossal failure, Sandberg insisted that CEO Mark "Zuckerberg's public apology ought to be penance enough. Look, we're with the good guys. We allowed President Obama to use our massive data to get reelected in 2012. Obviously, in hindsight, the Cambridge Analytica deal was a mistake." "In our defense, the amount of data we sold to Cambridge Analytica was tiny compared to what we freely gave...
  • Dems Split on Tax Cut Repeal [semi-satire]

    04/06/2018 5:13:25 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 8 April 2018 | John Semmens
    Democrat Party leadership is not united in its plans for the recently passed tax cut. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) pledged to repeal the cuts, saying that "the crumbs that Trump and the GOP selfishly tried to withhold from the government will be taken back and amalgamated into a large pool of resources to fund vitally needed government programs." Among the programs mentioned by Pelosi were "an expansion of regulations to more effectively monitor behavior so government can guide private individuals toward a more socially conscious lifestyle" and "a long overdue increase in salaries for government employees, who are...
  • I just heard that there might be "Russian Collusion" between Trump and the Russians

    04/05/2018 4:16:29 PM PDT · by SamAdams76 · 53 replies
    I think Trump has done a splendid job so far as president of the United States. However, I heard just today that there is a possibility that there might be some collusion (col-u-son) between Trump and the Russians. Apparently the Russians wanted Donald Trump to be president just as much as we did and so they did some collusion type things to make sure that Trump won the election. I'm not quite sure what kind of things they were but it could be that Russians were sent over here during the election to dance outside of Trump tower and hold...
  • KJV-Only Church Requires Clear Bible Covers To Verify No One Concealing NIV

    04/04/2018 9:48:03 AM PDT · by fishtank · 92 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | April 3, 2018 | B. Bee
    KJV-Only Church Requires Clear Bible Covers To Verify No One Concealing NIV April 3, 2018 MOORE, OK—In a new security measure designed to increase congregational safety, Ye Olde Baptist Church AV 1611 has begun requiring congregants to utilize clear Bible covers while attending services in order to verify no one is concealing a different translation like the “extremely dangerous” NIV.
  • DNC Deputy Touts Minimum Income Idea [semi-satire]

    04/04/2018 10:14:22 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 10 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 April 2018 | John Semmens
    Rep. Keith Ellison (D-Minn), deputy chairman of the Democratic National Committee, endorsed the concept of government paying a minimum income to all citizens regardless of whether they work or not. “A lot of things that people do don’t have a market value,” Ellison argued. “For example, as a Muslim, I am obligated to pray five times a day, go on a pilgrimage to Mecca, and wage jihad to spread the faith. As a member of Congress I have a generous salary and a small commitment of time I have to put in to earn this salary. Others aren’t so fortunate.”...
  • Congresswoman Blames Lack of Training for Harassment [semi-satire]

    04/03/2018 1:30:11 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 April 2018 | John Semmens
    Rep. Elizabeth Esty (D-Conn) apologized for failing to protect female staff members from harassment by her former chief of staff Tony Baker and blamed “lack of proper training” for the abuses, which included allegations of “punching” and “death threats.” “Much to my dismay, I discovered that punching and threatening staff members is not explicitly addressed in any legislation,” Esty said. “I will attempt to correct this, but can’t promise anything since Republicans control both houses of congress. Meanwhile, of my own accord I will be requiring all my employees to complete training in harassment. Hopefully, this will move punching and...
  • Retired Judge Calls for Repeal of 2nd Amendment [semi-satire]

    04/03/2018 10:59:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 April 2018 | John Semmens
    Former Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens penned an op ed for the New York Times in which he argued that the Constitutional Amendment protecting a citizen’s right to bear firearms should be repealed. “When we examine the circumstances under which the 2nd Amendment was adopted it seems clear to me that it was unnecessary on the day it was adopted,” Stevens wrote. “At the time, the United States was less than a decade removed from a desperate battle for independence from a government that oppressed those living in what were then British colonies. One of the tactics the British...