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Keyword: satire

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  • Reform of Presidential Pensions Proposed [semi-satire]

    05/08/2017 11:01:29 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 May 2017 | John Semmens
    Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) and Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Iowa) are planning to introduce legislation that would take a former president's other sources of income into account in determining the size of his or her pension. "Look, the $207,800 per year currently awarded to the nation's ex-presidents is there to ensure that someone who has served can live comfortably," Chaffetz argued. "However, as things currently stand, ex-presidents are cashing in when they retire. They write books and give speeches and make millions every year. The pension is tiny in comparison. What our bill would do is reduce the pension by the...
  • Surveillance State Ballooned Under Obama [semi-satire]

    05/07/2017 12:02:38 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 May 2017 | John Semmens
    The Obama Administration sought and obtained intelligence on thousands of Americans during 2016. Though the NSA is legally forbidden from directly spying on Americans and has temporary authority to conduct warrant-less searches of foreigners, during 2016 government officials conducted 30,355 searches seeking information about Americans and distributed over 3,000 reports with unredacted names of US citizens. U.S. intelligence officials confirmed the growth in queries about Americans, but declined to offer any justification on the grounds that being pressured to provide justification "would endanger national security. All the public needs to know is that the government has its own very strict...
  • After first 100 days, Clinton's approval rating soars to 91

    05/06/2017 4:31:53 PM PDT · by MNDude · 42 replies
    WASHINGTON D.C. -- As President Hillary Rodham Clinton completes the first 100 days of her young if eventful presidency, on Wednesday, Gallup released new poll showing that 91 percent of Americans saying they "strongly approve" of her job performance so far. Other remarkable results: 92 percent of Americans agreed with the statement: "We elected the right person president, THANK GOD!" and 99 percent of respondents strongly agreed with the statement, "Clinton's election is continued proof that American democracy is thriving." "She's unbelievably popular. We've never seen numbers like this," said Gallup CEO Jim Clifton. In further evidence of Clinton's popularity,...
  • Labour wins after Diane Abbott counts the votes [UK's Maxine Waters]

    05/06/2017 4:38:31 PM PDT · by Lorianne · 16 replies
    News Thump ^ | 05 May 2017
    Labour is expected to gain more than eighty million seats after Diane Abbott was asked to count the votes this morning. Speaking in that breathy, slightly creepy way she has, Abbott declared a huge landslide for Labour across the country – with the Conservatives and SNP facing ‘complete wipeout’ based on her figures. Labour is expected to gain more than eighty million seats after Diane Abbott was asked to count the votes this morning. Speaking in that breathy, slightly creepy way she has, Abbott declared a huge landslide for Labour across the country – with the Conservatives and SNP facing...
  • Dems Oppose Concealed Carry Reciprocity [semi-satire]

    05/06/2017 3:05:59 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 May 2017 | John Semmens
    Legislation backed by Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn (R-Texas) and Rep. Richard Hudson (R-NC) known as “national concealed carry reciprocity,” would require states that issue permits allowing gun owners to carry concealed weapons to recognize such permits from other states. “The intent is to simplify the process for law-abiding gun owners when they travel to other states,” Cornyn said. “A gun permit issued by a state would be valid in other states just like a state-issued driver’s license.” Sen. Mark Warner (D-Va) announced his opposition, saying that “families have been torn apart by gun violence. Enough is enough. This tragic...
  • Pelosi Blames Pro-Lifers for Democrats' Defeat [semi-satire]

    05/06/2017 10:54:44 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 May 2017 | John Semmens
    To the list of culprits allegedly responsible for the 2016 election results—Russians, Wikileaks, Comey, misogyny—House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) added pro-lifers. "We're kind of between a rock and a hard place on the abortion issue," Pelosi complained. "On the one hand, do we stand by progressive values and support a woman's inalienable right to terminate a pregnancy? Or do we take the politically expedient course of waffling on it? Many Democrats, including me, have successfully straddled the issue by proclaiming our personal opposition to abortion while still supporting it as a matter of public policy. I mean, I've never...
  • GOP Health Care Bill Called "Death Sentence for Millions" [semi-satire]

    05/05/2017 10:14:18 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 7 May 2017 | John Semmens
    The House passage of the American Health Care Act, the GOP's alternative to Obamacare, was labeled a "death sentence for millions" by Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass), "people will die." Warren's view was bolstered by the lamentations of individuals who now fear for their lives if the AHCA becomes law. Mega-celebrity Cher expressed her dismay that the AHCA may not cover her asthma therapy. "How will I get my medicine without Obamacare?" she demanded to know. She dismissed the suggestion that as a millionaire many times over she could easily afford to pay out-of-pocket as "unfair. It is the government's obligation...
  • UN Warns Against Repeal of Obamacare [semi-satire]

    05/01/2017 8:49:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    This week the Office of the U.N. High Commissioner on Human Rights in Geneva warned the Trump Administration that repeal of the Affordable Care Act would violate international law. The warning came from Dainius Puras, Special Rapporteur on the right of everyone to the enjoyment of the highest attainable standard of physical and mental health. Puras cited Article 25 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, which he says “establishes everyone’s right to a standard of living adequate for health and well-being, including food, medical care and necessary social services.” According to Puras, “repeal of the ACA would make the...
  • Parade Canceled After "Antifascists" Threaten GOP Participants [fake satire]

    04/30/2017 5:25:47 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 11 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    A 10-year tradition of beginning Portland's annual Rose Festival with a family-friendly parade came to an end when a so-called antifascist group threatened to attack any members of the Multnomah County Republican Party who tried to participate. Ironically, bullying political opponents by threatening violence emulates the practices of the Nazi Party during Germany's Weimar Republic when the Party's brown-shirted thugs ruled the streets. Jacob Bureros, an organizer with the Direct Action Alliance, was disappointed to hear that the parade was canceled. "This was definitely our least favored outcome," Bureros complained. "Our first choice would have been for the parade to...
  • Study Finds Long Term Migrants Less Likely to Work [fake satire]

    04/30/2017 12:50:24 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    A new Norwegian study from the Ragnar Frisch Center for Economic Research found that migrants become less interested in integrating with Norwegians the longer they are in the country. Knut Røed, a senior researcher at the Frisch Center, explained the seemingly anomalous findings as "not as strange as we first thought. It seems that most of the migrants entering the country expected they would have to work in order to survive. After all, that's the way it is in the countries they came from. But as they realize that the government here will support them they quite rationally choose not...
  • Mayor Fined for Demographic Observation [fake-satire]

    04/29/2017 3:19:02 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    Robert Ménard, mayor of the town of Beziers in southern France, has been fined 2,000 euros for "hate speech." The "hate speech" consisted of his observation that in a school in the center of his town more than 90% of the students are Muslim. Judge Maurice Cador called Ménard's remarks "extraordinarily insensitive toward Muslims. His defense relied upon the assertion that he spoke the truth. Under our laws truth is not a valid defense. We concede that his statement was factually accurate. However, it is the government's policy to not call attention to the rising proportion of resident aliens in...
  • ACLU Wants to Force Hospitals to Perform Sex Change Surgery [fake-satire]

    04/29/2017 11:36:37 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    Last year, Mercy San Juan Medical Center in Carmichael, California refused to remove the uterus of Evan Michael Minton. Minton is in the process of transitioning from female to a simulated male body. This Catholic hospital declined to remove a healthy uterus and referred Minton to a nearby nonreligious hospital within the same Dignity Health network. American Civil Liberties Union spokesman Bertram Petty claimed that “the hospital violated Mr. Minton’s right to have whatever surgery he wants at whatever facility he chooses. The hospital’s assertion that the surgery goes against its sincerely held religious beliefs is irrelevant. Under Obamacare, the...
  • Obama Taking "Symbolic Reparations" [semi-satire]

    04/29/2017 2:42:58 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 13 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    Stung by critics who say that former President Barack Obama is showing inordinate greed by accepting fat payments from Wall Street for brief speeches, former Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest argued that "one of the President's greatest regrets during his time in office was his inability to establish a public program of reparations for America's historic mistreatment of racial minorities. Rather than just shrug off his disappointment he has decided to individually extract payments to compensate for those injustices." "We mustn't overlook the fact that the $400,000 per speech fees are being paid by white men to a black man,"...
  • Breaking. Federal judge from 9th circuit rules any withdrawal from NAFTA unconstitutional (Satire)

    04/26/2017 3:27:19 PM PDT · by epluribus_2 · 29 replies
    E e pluribus2
    Decision was apparently based not on the proposed policy change what time previous statements made on the campaign Trail and because the president is generally mean and insensitive to the needs of women and minorities. Developing.
  • Feminist Hero Refuses To Let Fireman Carry Her From Burning Building [satire]

    04/24/2017 5:32:21 PM PDT · by NRx · 51 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 04-24-2017 | Staf
    HELL’S KITCHEN, NY—A woman is being heralded as a feminist icon after refusing to let a male firefighter carry her out of a burning building. The woman burned to death several minutes later, sources confirmed. According to FDNY firefighters, the woman was spotted in the living room of her home, which had become engulfed in flames. Immediately, one of New York’s bravest charged through the the front door to rescue the helpless woman. But what happened next will go down in the history books. As the fireman reached out to pick up the woman and carry her to safety, she...
  • Trump Just one of Dozens Spied on by Obama [semi-satire]

    04/23/2017 5:18:51 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    A long list of individuals and organizations subjected to surveillance by the Obama Administration was cited by former National Security Adviser Susan Rice as "proof I did nothing wrong." The list included Former U.S. Rep. Jane Harman (D-Calif), Pro-Israel lobbyists, FBI contractor and whistleblower Shamai Leibowitz, Tea-party groups, WikiLeaks, New York Times reporter James Risen, NSA whistleblower Thomas Drake, Fox News reporter James Rosen, CBS reporter Sharyl Attkisson, former U.S. Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), Fox News reporter Mike Levine, ATF Special Agent John Dodson, former CIA Director Gen. David Petraeus, Associated Press reporters, Benghazi whistleblowers, President Obama's vice chair of...
  • Sean Spicer Replaced (Satire)

    04/23/2017 4:49:16 PM PDT · by kjam22 · 15 replies
    humor | 4-23-17 | kjam22
    (AP) Washington: The Trump White House announced today that embattled Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, has accepted a new position within the administration. Mr. Spicer will become the deputy assistant to US Ambassador to the U.N., Niki Haley. Spicer said he looks forward to the transition and is confident working with various leaders from all over the world will be much less stressful than holding the daily press conferences he has been subjected to in the first 100 days of the Trump Presidency. The White House also announced Spicer's replacement for White House Press Secretary. Bill O'Reilly has accepted the position...
  • Dean Asserts that “Hate Speech Is Not Protected by the First Amendment” [semi-satire]

    04/23/2017 11:13:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    This week, former Democratic presidential candidate and Vermont Governor Howard Dean expressed his alarm that author Ann Coulter has not been effectively silenced by the University of California at Berkeley. Initially, the University forbade Coulter from speaking on campus citing the event as “dangerous.” After Coulter took steps to go ahead without the University’s official approval Dean became irate. “Coulter is notorious for rejecting the mainstream consensus on immigration, Muslims, taxes, welfare, you name it,” Dean maintained. “Her jibes are so venomous as to generate ridicule for those who hold opposing views. Clearly, she hates liberals and the victims we...
  • Trump sells California to Mexico

    04/22/2017 1:38:01 PM PDT · by sodpoodle · 64 replies
    confidential | 4/22/2017 | self
    WASHINGTON (AP) - at 12:15pm today President Trump disclosed that he has reached an agreement with Enrique Pena Nieto, President of Mexico, which provides for the sale of substantially all of the State of California to the country of Mexico. President Trump noted that this deal, which he claims "is his largest real estate deal ever" is a win-win for everyone involved. One of the benefits he says he will highlight during a prime time address from the oval office later this evening, will include using the proceeds received by the US from Mexico to 1) pay for the Wall...
  • Study of Animal Penises Called “Crucial to Solving World’s Problems” [semi-satire]

    04/22/2017 1:08:44 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 Apr 2017 | John Semmens
    Patricia Brennan, a visiting lecturer at Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts, who spent nearly $400,000 of taxpayer dollars studying duck penises has become a spokesperson in opposition to Trump’s proposed cuts to funding studies like hers. One of the research topics likely to be cut off from tax-funding is her current project to study whale penises. She is eager to examine a recently acquired an orca penis. “It’s enormous!” she exclaimed. “It takes up an entire lab sink. The very idea that Congress might not fund a thorough investigation of this extraordinary specimen is criminal. In order for us to...